NewsRadio (season 4)

Jumper [4.1]

Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for?

Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs.

Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel.

Mike: So are scissors!!

Planbee [4.2]

[on making the station more productive]

Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B.

Andrea: Hi, everyone.

Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name...

Andrea: Call me Andrea.

Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.

The Public Domain [4.3]

Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?

Bill: I'm working on an act.

Dave: I thought your whole life was an act.

Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?

Joe: That's a secret.

Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4]

Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa: I broke into a library.

Beth: To vandalize it?

Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.

Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.

Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part.

Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

French Diplomacy [4.5]

Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?

Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.

Pure Evil [4.6]

Dave: [about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.

Catherine: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.

Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together?

Lisa: That was a dream.

Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Lisa: All right then. How was it?

Matthew: Not that good, actually.

Lisa: I'm sorry.

Catherine Moves On [4.7]

Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans.

Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.

Lisa: Does it work?

Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8]

Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice.

Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes!

Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?

Lisa: If I have to, sir.

Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?

Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.

Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

The Secret of Management [4.9]

Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?

Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?

Cadbury: The master is correct.

Dave: You hired a butler?

Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.

Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that.

Mr. James: No...

Lisa: Yes, I can, try me.

Mr. James: You think?

Lisa: Yes.

[pause]

Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

Look Who's Talking [4.10]

Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!

Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

Bill: Why not?

Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason.

Chock [4.11]

Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost."

Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?

Bill: Automotive sales.

Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12]

Dave: When did you get the piano in here?

Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.

Dave: Or Steve Allen.

Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program.

Mr. James: How much do they have now?

Joe: None.

Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some.

Joe: Yeah.

Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses?

Joe: Sure.

Mr. James: Nice doing business with you.

Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13]

Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten.

[Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants]

Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.

Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Security Door [4.14]

Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.

Dave: No, we don't.

Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.

Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.

Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry?

Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony... you're all out to get me.

Big Brother [4.15]

Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.

Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still.

Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave: He changes it every week.

Bill: Why do you do that?

Mr. James: Security.

Joe: Big Brother?

Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually.

Beep, Beep [4.16]

Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.

Joe: You want me to kill him?

Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch.

Dave: Did you?

Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.

Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?

Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.

Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.

Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.

Dave: Lisa is not "my woman".

Bill: And how!

Balloon [4.17]

Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed?

Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on."

Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may?

Mr. James: Go ahead.

Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.

Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.

Copy Machine [4.18]

Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.

Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking!

Monster Rancher [4.19]

Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?

Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?

Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.

Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?

Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.

Dave: [groans]

Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.

Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!

Lisa: Bill, that's a lie.

Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

4:20 [4.20]

Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?

Bill: Yes.

Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?

Dave: Oh, that was different.

Lisa: Why?

Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.

Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it?

Dave: Oh, lord, yes.

Jackass Junior High [4.21]

Lisa: I'm a woman, right?

Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so...

Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.

Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?

Sinking Ship [4.22]

Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.

Matthew: Aw, gee whiz!

Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.

Matthew: Darn.

Dave: Matthew!

Matthew: Shucks!

Dave: Well, I never!

Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!

Jimmy: Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it?