Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Never Mind the Buzzcocks is a BBC comedy quiz show based on the music industry. The show was hosted by Mark Lamarr, but he was replaced by Simon Amstell, then by a series of guest hosts, and now by Rhod Gilbert. Phill Jupitus and Noel Fielding are regular panelists, Fielding having taken over from Bill Bailey, himself the replacement for Sean Hughes.

Series 1

1x01

Mark: ABBA comprised of Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid and took their name from their initials. Four English singers tried repeat ABBA's success, but unfortunately William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - yes I said William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - couldn't think of a name. Agnetha eventually left ABBA, they replaced her with Ursula, and formed Abbu, who went on a spree of terror and destruction throughout the Middle East.

Mark: Shaun [Ryder] is an ex-Post Office worker who sang with the Happy Mondays and in 1993 formed Black Grape. So Shaun if you're watching, that's what you've been up to.

1x07

(during Phill's Intros round)

Clare Grogan: Okay, Whis... (collapses in hysterical laughter after accidentally almost reading out a song on the card!)

Mark: When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!

Clare: Did you hear that?

Peter Hook: No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".

Mark: I want the full intro on this one.

Peter: Go for the vocal line, kids!

Phill: You ready?

Clare: No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?

Phill: I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)

Clare: I've had a complete mind block with that one!

Phill: It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!

Clare: Because I've been so helpful so far...

Phill: You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!

Clare: Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!

Phill: Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!

Series 2

2x02

Phill's Team: Gary Barlow & Tony Wright (Terrorvision)

Sean's Team: Edwyn Collins & Jeff Green

(In Indecipherable Lyrics, Phill's team are given "Open the Gate" by Dutch heavy metal band Vortex)

Mark: That was Vortex with "Open the Gate", although it did look scarily like Boy George pre-Culture Club, didn't it? What do you think the scary bloke was singing there?

Phill: There's nothing quite like a fat goth, is there, Mark?

Gary: By the way, the make-up artist never worked again after that.

Phill: She never worked before! (audience laugther) The dubbing was top, wasn't it?

Gary: Very good, it was like one of those Chinese films: (moves his lips differently to the words he says) "I'm gonna kick your head in!"

Mark: You could tell he was miming 'cos the bone wasn't plugged in! (in the video, vocalist Jurjen 'Thundervox' Tichelaar sings into a bone)

Phill: It's not the first badly dubbed Dutch video I've seen with a bone in someone's hand, Mark! (Mark and audience laughter and applause. Phill turns to Tony) You liked it, didn't you?

Tony: I did, yeah...

Phill: You just whispered into my ear "I've got this album", didn't you? "These are great!" (to Gary) You think there's a food connection, don't you?

Gary: Yeah, I got "Against the wall of a savoury low-fat cake."

Tony: I got "Bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits...

Mark: It's much nicer than "Bright arse, burning like fire", isn't it?

Phill: We've got a line about, "We've got some tights, a bag, a beautiful pair; sometimes a donkey you will see." All together boys...

Phill's Team: "We've reached the land of Hull..." (audience laughter)

Phill: "...Bring mangoes off the boat; And then talk Vortex student braille." You see, behind all the make-up and everything they've got a social conscience.

Gary: I've gone a bit further on - "You know the smell of chili from that night..."

Tony: The last line is "A lemon slice and a savoury whale", quite popular in Dutchland.

Phill: They're hungry, they're socially conscious, they're angry, they're Dutch, they look like pandas.

Mark: Would you like to sing that along with the band?

Phill: Would we ever? (The music video starts up)

Phill's Team: (singing)

Against the wall of a savoury low-fat cake

We are the bag-ladies of the sea

Bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits

Sometimes a donkey you will see!

We've reached the land of Hull, bring your mangoes off the boats!

And then talk Vortex student braille

You know and feel the smell of chili from that night

A lemon slice and savoury whale!

(audience laughter and applause)

Mark: I'm sorry to bring you this news, but that wasn't the real words! The real words were:

"We crossed the water, we are sailing through the night

We are the beggars of the sea

We've got a task, a plan, a duty to fulfill

Something to conquer, you will see." Quite cleverly rhyming "sea" with "see", there(!)

"We've reached the land and all brave men get off the boats

It is our voyage to Den Brille", which is a place in Holland, not in Dutchland!

"We know no fear, or something silly of that kind

All men inside, and stay we will!

Open the gate!"

Mark: I'm gonna give you a point from charity's sake. The band Vortex were formed after the breakup of Werewolf and Thunderfox. We don't know a lot about Werewolf and Thunderfox, although with names like that, they probably have shagged Ulrika Jonsson.

2x04

Phill's Team: Midge Ure & Graham Norton

Sean's Team: Shelly Poole (Alisha's Attic) & Math Priest (Dodgy)

(After failing to guess "Fame" by Irene Cara correctly in the Intros round)

Graham: Can I just say, this is so scary, I'm gonna have my gay card taken away for not knowing that! I'm gonna be disqualified! Gay bars will go "No, you got that wrong on Never Mind the Buzzcocks! Get out of town!"

Mark: How many points have you got on it on the moment? "Three more and you're out."

Graham: I know, exactly.

Mark: You'll have to shag girls! What's the exam like when you get your card?

Graham: It's very tough.

Mark: Is it an oral?

Series 3

3x03

(After Toyah Wilcox & Phill Jupitus did Let's Stick Together by Bryan Ferry for the intros round)

Mark: To be fair to you, while they were doing that I could hear the bloke who sang this turn in his grave, and he's not even dead!

Series 4

4x02

Mark: (Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!

(later on, during Intros, Mark puts on an apron and serves tea and Ferrero Rochers to the teams)

Phill: Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!

Mark: (shakes his fist) Moyles!

Phill: (as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!

Mark: Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!

4x03

Phill's Team:

Emmy-Kate Montrose (Kenickie) & Tom Robinson

Sean's Team:

Neil Hannon & Keith Chegwin

Mark: (introducing Keith Chegwin) Cheggers says the worst advice he's ever been given was "Go on, have a drink." The second worst was "Go on... television."

(during Word Up, Phil's team have to define the phrase "Bootie Call" from an All Saints song.)

Phil: Sunday afternoon, lot of cars in a field selling gear out the back.

Emmy-Kate: Incorrect. That's a car boot sale. What a booty call is, is we're all very aware about pregnancy in pop recently, and here we have an example, not this lady (points to the screen), but the other one, Mel. She's pregnant.

Mark: Yes.

Emmy-Kate: She has needs, other needs. She has to make these needs known. She has to phone Mothercare and order baby clothes, little booties...

Mark: I got where you're coming from. No.

Tom: It's actually something that pirates do, like "Jim, lad, we've found the treasure!"

Mark: Tom Robinson and his "pieces of eight" material, ladies and gentlemen.

Phil: It's an 0898 number for pirates. (as a pirate) "Arr, looking to call a pirate? Want to talk to other pirates? Call 0898..."

(later, Sean's team have "Sussudio" from the Phil Collins song of the same name.)

Sean: Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

. . .

Keith: I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

Mark: What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Keith: Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean: You do that when you're wanking?

Keith: Sometimes.

Sean: (imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Mark: Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

Phil: No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

Keith: You couldn't get me off.

Phill: "Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean: You call it "walloping"?

Phill: I call it "walloping", yeah!

Tom: Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean: Yes...

Tom: Walloping.

Sean: Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

Neil: I bashed him furiously!

(In Phill's Intros round, Tom is stumped on the first song.)

Tom: Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?

Phill: Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?

Tom: Radio 4.

Phill: You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)

Tom: Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.

Phill: It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...

Mark: When did they play that?

Phill: In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?

Mark: "Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."

. . .

Tom: "These Boots Are Made For Walking".

Phill: No.

Mark: Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.

Sean: (as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'

Mark: (as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)

. . .

Tom: It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.

Mark: Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.

. . .

(As Phill and Emmy-Kate start the next intro)

Emmy-Kate: This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)

Tom: "If The Kids Are United"...

Phill: (angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")

Tom: Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".

Mark: It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)

Phill: (angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!

(In Sean's Intros round, Sean makes a hissing noise.)

Phill: Is it my mum's radio?

Keith: Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill: Cheggers Plays Tough!

Mark: I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

Keith: I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill: There's no prizes, Keith!

Keith: I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill: On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

Keith: And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean: Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

Mark: I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean: Sure, no problem.

Mark: I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill: It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

Mark: It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

(the intro to "Cigarettes & Alcohol" is played in. A tambourine comes in during the intro.)

Mark: You were being a tambourine?

Sean: Yeah!

Phill: A tambourine!?

Mark: Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean: 'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

Mark: What?

Sean: (makes the hissing sound)

Phill: The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

Mark: At one gig Noel Gallagher spotted Chris Evans in the audience and said rather cleverly "Alright, Ginger Bollocks! Oi, Twatty Face! Shut it, you Ginger Bastard!" Quick as a flash, Chris said "Get me Danny Baker on the phone, I need a witty reply."

4x04

Mark: In July 1974 Mama Cass died while staying in a London flat after choking on a pork pie. Strangely, Keith Moon of The Who died in the same flat a few years later. He tripped over her body and banged his head on the sink. (Mark almost cracks up a few seconds later!) Mama Cass' vocal range increased dramatically after she was hit over the head with a lead pipe in 1965. I feel it's our duty to see if the same technique will work with Aqua. In fact, it's my personal mission. And if, by any chance, they're on tour with Celine Dion, the more the merrier. I'll find you, Aqua! I'll find you if I have to knock on every door in Stockholm fresh from the plumber's merchants, (stands up and points at the camera) and if it doesn't work first time I'll try and try again! I'll make of you singers yet, you Euro-pop ponces if it takes a Joe Pesci-size beating! And Celine Dion, your heart won't go on but there'll be plenty of beating believe me, you maple leaf hag! YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE!

Series 5

5x02

Phill's Team: Glen Matlock (Sex Pistols) & Sara Cox

Sean's Team: Faye Tozer (Steps) & Junior Simpson

(In Identity Parade, Sean's team are asked to pick out Edwin Starr. Number three is a black bald man with glasses, by the name of Athelston Williams, who stares straight ahead without flinching.)

Mark: So Sean's team, can you detect which is the real Edwin, and which are the Droods? Is it number one, Six Day War? Number two, Hundred Years' War? Number three, Evelyn War? Number four, what is it good for? Or number five, HUH, absolutely nothin'?

Junior: Okay, before I go any further, I'm not gonna take the mick too much because I could be related to any one of these guys, so erm...

Mark: You mean because you're black as well?

Junior: No, I'm sure my dad used to cut some of their hair.

Mark: Number three probably wasn't a regular, was he?

Sean: I'm a little worried about number three, he's just looking at a light, transfixed.

Junior: (in an elderly man's voice) This is the first time I've come out in a long time! Is this a studio, yes? This is lovely!

Sean: Are you okay, number three? He just doesn't know! Well four of them are obviously English and Edwin's flown over from America, so who looks jetlagged? Three! (audience laughter) He had a near crash, he's traumatised!

Junior: Nah, any Americans here? Because normally they go, any Americans would go "WHOOO!" Erm, I reckon it's number four.

Sean: Without any doubt, but I think we should let Faye choose.

Faye: Well I like number four too because he's got that...

Sean: Not who you like! (audience laughter)

Mark: We try and make it a fun show, but we've gotta have rules!

Faye: It's definitely number four, he's got that star quality...

Mark: You're actually in the lead, so you can just pick a favourite if you want.

Sean: Well, my favourite's number three, obviously! (number three - Athelston - still doesn't flinch! Audience laughter)

Mark: He doesn't seem so fond of you!

Sean: (to Mark) I know! (to the lineup) Three, I love you, you're coming home with me, we're living together...

Mark: Isn't number three a very passionate man? (Beat. Audience laughs even more)

Sean: I'm worried about the fella!

Mark: When they all walk off, and he's still there! (imitates Athelston's stare at the lights)

Sean: I know! He's the most professional, I bet they say to him "Now don't move, just stare straight ahead", and he goes "I gotcha!" (imitates Athelston's stare) He's the best! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest have been fidgeting, moving about, all sudden movements... HE'S A MANNEQUIN!

Mark: The question being, which one do you think might be Edwin Starr?

Junior: Number...

Faye: Four.

Mark: Let's find out. Will the real Edwin Starr please step forward? (the real Edwin Starr - number four - steps forward. Audience cheers and applause) And, er, just to set my mind at ease, would number three please step forward? (audience and Edwin laugh, Athelston almost cracks, Sean and Junior start beckoning him to step forward, and finally he does so, to the absolute joy of Mark, the panel, the line-up and the studio audience. Edwin embraces Athelston) It's like the parable of the bald man that could walk!

5x03

Phill's Team: Leeroy Thornhill & Frank Skinner

Sean's Team: Rick Wakeman & Paul Godfrey (Morcheeba)

(In the Connections round, Sean's team are asked for the link between Annie Lennox and Jarvis Cocker. Stills from Love is a Stranger by Eurythmics and Party Hard by Pulp appear on the screen behind Mark.)

Rick: Actually Mark, the connection is Bilko. Sergeant Bilko, because he's saluting like the Americans did, like that Private Doberman did, and she looks like she's got a Doberman in her privates.

Sean: You've got a twelve-year-old son, haven't you?

Rick: Yeah.

Sean: They're gonna be so proud watching this tonight, aren't they?

Rick: They love the programme...

Sean: "Dad's done the fucking Doberman joke! School's gonna be a blast tomorrow, I'm already wearing the capes!"

(Later in the Connections round, Phill's team are asked for the link between Cyndi Lauper and Jimmy Savile. Stills of Cyndi Lauper and the Jim'll Fix It title sequence appear on the screen behind Mark.)

Frank: I bet he's a goer though, he's very fit, isn't he, Jimmy. I bet he could go for hours! I bet if you have sex with Jimmy Savile, afterwards you get a Mars bar and a Bacofoil cloak! (huge laughter from the audience, Mark and the teams)

Leeroy: I think there's some porn going on there, 'cos all that jewellery, that's gotta come to a fair bit. Both of them are caked in gold. There's gotta be a bit of porn involved, 'cos it's far too expensive to have all that on.

Mark: So you think the richest people in the world are those that star in porn films?

Phill: You couldn't have Jimmy Savile in a porn film, you'd never be able to concentrate! (as Savile) "Now, you're a lovely lady, and I'm a plum-ber, and I've come to fix yer... How's about me repairing your plum-bing?"

Mark: Now then, now then, now then, what's that then?

Phill: And then when he's actually having sex... (as Savile) Eh-uh-uh... (goes into Savile's yodel)

Frank: The orgasm!

Mark: I'm guessing there might be other areas we could explore.

Frank: If it was Gloria Estefan, we could've done a "Clunk Click, Every Trip" joke. (audience groans) Oh, come on! Apparently her last two had sold so well her spine went platinum. Is it true that his hairdresser was so famous they wrote an opera about him? (turns to camera) And that's this week's viewer's question, so what would that opera be called? (Mark laughs) Jimmy Savile's hairdresser, they wrote an opera about him. Call, and the prize is my dressing room key here at the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. (picks up and shows his key) Any offers?

Mark: No entrance.

Male audience member: The Barber of Savile!

Frank: The Barber of Savile! Well done!

Mark: (laughing and pointing at the audience member) He was pleased with himself!

(During Sean's team's Intros round, Rick has to grab his crotch to reach high notes)

Sean: You've got a twelve-year-old kid! The only reason to do that is if you're playing football and someone's taking a free kick!

. . .

Frank: Is Danny Kaye about to come in and go "Me, a swan?" (Mark laughs and claps. Some audience members also clap.)

Mark: No, don't clap just 'cos I did! Make your own minds up! That's what I'm trying to say, be individual!

Frank: Yeah, but you're a leader of men!

Mark: ...Of one bloke, there. (points to an audience member)

Frank: Well Hitler probably started with one bloke. Hitler was probably in a pub and said "we should invade Poland" and one bloke went... (Claps) ...And ten years later...

Mark: So, I've got a cult and it's just me and him? (Frank nods to the audience member) I'm gonna... I'm gonna top meself in a minute!

Frank: See? That Hitler thing's started already! He killed the Alsatian first, I think is the normal the way round...

Mark: What, Eva?

Frank: Ohhh!

Mark: What? I'm slagging off Eva Braun, and you're going "That's unfair! Don't slag off Eva, she was a lovely woman, apart from shagging, like, maybe the most evil man the world's ever seen, apart from that she was alright..."

Sean: She shagged Chris Evans!?

(After Phill's team's Intros round)

Mark: Smokey Robinson started a trend amongst pop stars when he named his daughter Tamla after his record company. Courtney Love's father calls her Rough Trade, while George Michael's dad now calls him Strange Fruit.

...

Mark: Attractions bass player Bruce Thomas cut himself while demonstrating the safest way to smash a bottle in a fight. Kurt Cobain suffered a similar mishap while demonstrating the safest way to blow your head off with a gun.

...

Frank: Was Kurt Cobain's dad on Stiff Records? (long period of laughter from the audience and Mark. A female audience member laughs hysterically.) That's a seagull trapped in the skylight!

Mark: Turn the extractor fan off, let it out will you? (the audience member laughs even harder.) She's having a lovely time.

Frank: I don't know, she might be having a bloody heart attack and we're ignoring it, or an asthma attack...

Mark: I guess she's having a stroke every now and again.

Series 9

9x07

Phill's Team: Rebecca Hunter (allSTARS*) & Ricky Tomlinson

Sean's Team: David Van Day (Guys 'n' Dolls & Dollar) & Jenni Falconer

Mark: (introducing David) Since leaving Dollar, David's career has gone on the up. He now runs a number of stalls in Brighton selling burgers and flowers. So if you fancy some carnations stinking of beef and Calor gas, there's your man.

Mark: Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!

David: They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!

Mark: You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!

David: I might not be here without those.

Sean: Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.

Mark: So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?

David: Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!

Mark: Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.

David: Not outside here!

Mark: They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!

David: Mine are special.

Mark: You've got special sausages?

David: Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.

Mark: You sell pudding as well?

(During Sean's team's Freeze Frame, involving a clip of "Love's Great Adventure" by Ultravox)

Sean: Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")

Sean: Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Mark: Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean: They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

David: W...

Sean: No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

David: No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Mark: Ooh, your van's here!

David: I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

Mark: I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean: I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky: Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Mark: Special magic sausages!

Sean: Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

Jenni: I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean: It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Mark: Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean: Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Mark: Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

Jenni: I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Mark: Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)

Mark: Midge Ure's ex-wife Annabel Giles recently referred to herself as a B-list celebrity. Good news, Britain, that means we're all A-list celebrities! Including the pigeons!

(As Sean and David prepare to start their intros round)

David: Can you do it in my ear?

Sean: Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...

Mark: It's the only language he understands!

Sean: Mushy peas and a bit of curry!

(David spins around while doing their first intro)

Sean: Come back! You must be shit in that van! "What do you want love?" (spins around) "Oh there you are! What was it?"

(For the second intro, David starts whistling)

David: (laughing) Can we have some reverb?

Mark: Can we have some off?

David: (starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)

Sean: Are you calling for a dog?

Mark: It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!

Jenni: Is it recent or is it quite old?

Sean: No it's old.

David: It's oooollld.

Mark: Have you ever had electric shock treatment?

David: I burnt myself on a cooker once!

(During the third intro)

Sean: Okay I'm ready. I'm having a bit of a breakdown! In two years time I'm gonna be working with him in Brighton - "Burger?" (Sean stares into space, hands the burger over and whistles)

David: (Provides a decent backing for Sean)

Sean: A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!

(David collapses in hysterics)

(Sean's team try to identify Ewald Pflager of Opus)

David: They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.

Mark: But you're working in a burger van!

David: I do the odd date.

Mark: In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?

David: Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...

Mark: Alright, Pink Floyd?

David: Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.

Mark: Really? What, and not play for a long time?

(Next Lines)

Mark: Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."

Sean: Hence David's on the show!

Mark: "Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...

Sean: Salt and vinegar?

David: "You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.

Mark: Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."

Sean: Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.

Mark: It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."

David: "Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."

Mark: That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."

David: Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...

Sean: Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)

Mark: It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!

(Closing lines)

Mark: This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Lamarr... (The chimes play one more time) (to David) I think you've got to go back to the mothership!

9x09

Phill's Team:

Kiki Dee & Mike Wilmot

Sean's Team:

Richard Fairbrass & Phil Alexander (editor-in-chief of Kerrang!)

(During the Connections round, Phill's team have to find the connection between Usher and Billy Bragg. A replay of a segment of U Remind Me by Usher is shown)

Phill: There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

Mike: She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean: "Poink"?

Mark: "Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Fairbrass: Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill: Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

Fairbrass: I do not speak like that!

Phill: You just did!

Fairbrass: (laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill: Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

Kiki: You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean: Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

Fairbrass: I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean: That you got banned from!

(Again in Connections, Sean's team have to find the connection between Victoria Beckham and Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit. Stills of Not Such an Innocent Girl by Victoria Beckham and My Way by Limp Bizkit appear on the screen behind Mark)

Sean: (referring to Durst) He's just really eager hitching isn't he? "My way or highway!"

Mark: Well it's very very hard to get to Uality these days.

Fairbrass: I think he looks a bit like David Beckham in a funny fairground mirror at the end. David Beckham went up to one of those mirrors that's what he would look like.

Sean: And that's the connection?

Mark: Quite importantly can I just say looking at Victoria Beckham...

Fairbrass: Is it gonna be funny what you're gonna say?

Mark: I'd imagine so, or I wouldn't be saying it...

Fairbrass: Press on then.

Sean: (as Fairbrass) Oooh, press on, Mark! Press on!

Mark: Looking at the Victoria Beckham thing, it's very important this time of year, a timely reminder to kids, never ever return to the lit firework once it's been...

Sean: Let's press on...

Phil: It must be something to do with the fact that actually, she only eats a biscuit for lunch or something like that... (we see a flash of bright lights and hear a clap of thunder)

Mark: (in a deeply electronically processed voice) The voice of rock!

Phil: I see I'm the fall guy in this equation, but okay. (Phill laughs) (to Fairbrass) Do you think he's stereotyping us at all? Richard, shall we swap roles? Maybe I'll do the camp bits and...

Mark: Oh yeah, you're gonna be editor of Kerrang! for a long time if you're doing the camp bits!

Phil: What are you saying?

Mark: At least it might mean that some of your readers can have sex! (thunder and lightning) It's worked for you, Fairbrass!

Fairbrass: It is true to say I that have been a player of the pink oboe. And I can raise a real tune on it occasionally...

Mark: Really?

Fairbrass: ...but not for some time.

Phill: (laughs) It's the idea of him in bed with someone and, just the duvet, and underneath the duvet... (hums PEnnsylvania 6-5000)

Fairbrass: If you know the holes to put your finger on you can play a tune! (to Mark) You're always like this when I'm on the show!

Mark: I know...

Fairbrass: We should just go out, kiss and get it over with.

Mark: Let's kiss now. Let's do the gay Buzzcocks kiss. (a female audience member shouts "Ugh!". Fairbrass laughs and points at the audience member, while Mark and the audience laugh.) I think they meant "Ooh, he's gonna to kiss Mark!"

Fairbrass: I like flushing your mouth.

Mark: That's the last thing you'll get, a kiss maybe. You're not flushing me out I'll tell you that! You can see why it's been six series before we've had him back!

Fairbrass: I've moved house, you lost my address or something.

(During Phill's Intros round, Mike is stuck on a song)

Mike: You can do it again if you want, but I have no fucking clue, you could do it backwards.

Mark: I think we might have to do it again without you going "I have no fucking clue" in the middle.

Mike: I haven't a fricking clue.

Mark: Well, you can say "fricking".

Mike: I have no fricking clue, cunt!

(During Sean's Intros round)

Mark: Can I just... Have we got Fairbrass because another pop quiz in another country's had like an exchange student affair? Is that why you went... (Fairbrass thrusts his pelvis) ...don't ever! Not on my watch, soldier!

Fairbrass: I did it to a Hamburger once.

Mark: You shagged a hamburger? 'Cos it said you can have it with or without a gherkin?

Sean: Did you sing to it before hand? "Hello...

Sean & Fairbrass: Is it me you're looking for?"

Fairbrass: (thrusts his pelvis) Bosh!

(Sean mimes having sex with a burger)

Mark: (pointing at Sean) It's Hamburglar!

Series 10

10x07

(introducing Sean's guest Tony Wilson)

Mark: In 1978, Tony's first TV series was cancelled when Iggy Pop appeared live with a horse's tail sticking out of his arse. According to Iggy's biographer, it all started when he swallowed a fly that afternoon and things got out of hand.

Series 12

12x03

Mark: According to his publicity you can recognise Omar by his trademark hair which tails above his head. To be honest I'm not sure I'd recognise Omar even if he had a badge which said "I'm Omar", and a passport, a full set of dental records, a breakdown of DNA and both parents pointing at him saying "That's our son, Omar, the pop singer!" Until I see a Blockbuster card I trust no-one!

12x11

(Bill's guest for Identity Parade - Omar)

Mark: A few weeks ago on this show I made this joke about him... (replay of the Omar joke from 12x03) ... so, er, God bless him for coming on and... let's see if you can recognise him. (camera shot changes to the lineup - Omar is clearly number 3!) I know you know him anyway, Pete, but it's obviously number three! Pete, do you know Omar?

Pete Tong: No!

Mark: Is number one Omar? Or is it number two, Mullah Omar? Or is it number three, Omar, he's making eyes at me? Or is it number four, Omar mia, here I go again? Or is it number five, Omar boomerang won't come back? I feel really guilty now making the joke I wouldn't recognise him. I haven't seen him for ten years, he's the most recognisable person in the world!

Dave Johns: I think number three looks like he's one of those guards outside Buckingham Palace and it's been a really windy day and his bearskin... it's rained on his bearskin and it's just blown off. I don't know...

Mark: You do know, it's number three, I've told you four times! Even if you've never seen Omar in your life you'd go "well it can't be one, two, four or five, because that's not Omar! Omar looks like number three!"

Dave: Well who's number one?

Mark: He's not Omar, that doesn't matter! Let's find out, would Omar please make himself known? (Omar - number 3 - steps forward and pulls out a Blockbuster card from his pocket!) It is him! Currently working on his sixth album and recording with various artists including Stevie Wonder - which really does piss on my strawberries, doesn't it? - a big round of applause for, and thank you very much for coming on, Omar, ladies and gentlemen!

Series 13

13x07

Mark: Among the many things Morrissey has said on record he actually hates are:

Elton John
George Michael
Madonna
Vic Reeves
Bob Geldof
Tony Wilson
Meat-eaters
DJs
Journalists
Sundays
Sunbathers
B.A. Baracus
Jokes about Wagon Wheels
The MCC
Blu-Tack
Fred Wedlock
Branston Pickle
Loft lagging
Igneous rock
Bulldog terriers
Glade Plug-ins
Chip forks
The phrase "Mr. Morrissey, you require three snookers!"
Frisps
The M25
Friday afternoons
Tortoises
Crayons
Pasta as a starter
Philippa Forrester
Sarah's next door neighbour
Skin on rice pudding
Guatemalans
Tadpoles
Orange peels
The Honey Monster
Polyester
Boobies
The smell of parmesan
Disposable razors
Penis
Magnifying mirrors
Gits
Millipedes
Olive oil
Koi carp and most of all,
Pointless lists without punchlines. "Well that told me, Mr. Morrissey."

(Later on during Intros...)

The direction North-North-West
The phrase "Mid-morning"
Hibernating animals
Francis Chichester
When people say "i.e." when they mean "e.g."

(Later on after Identity Parade...)

Buffalo girls who go on the inside
Sonia
Decimal currency

(During the show closing...)

The Beaulieu Motor Museum
Weekend at Bernie's III
Avocados
People who go "Slammers!"
Tango adverts
YMCA (fade into credits)

13x08

[Telling a story about the S Club Juniors]

Simon: So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.

Mark: And you filmed it!

Simon: No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.

Mark: Nice to see you taking notes there, Bill

Bill: I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.

Mark: No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".

Bill: Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.

Romeo: I thought you was down with Westwood, man.

Mark: I'm not down with Westwood!

Romeo: No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]

Mark: Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.

Bill: I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"

Series 15

15x04

Mark: When Carlos Santana first met his future wife Deborah, he said "She smelled like something I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life". It's beautiful, isn't it? Finding a woman who smells like a bacon sandwich and a can of Irn Bru? [Pretending to cry] You're a lucky man, Carlos!

Mark: "Anything you can do, I can do better...?"

Larry Hibbitt: I can do anything better than you.

Mark: No you can't.

Larry Hibbitt: ...all right...

Mark: See?

Series 16

16x05

Mark: "She may be the beauty or the beast..."? Bill, I think you'll know this one.

Isaac Hanson: Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!

Mark: You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.

Bill: Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.

16x09

Kenzie: Am I being awkward?

Mark Lamarr: No, you're not being awkward... I think it's pronounced "retarded".

16x11

Bradley Walsh: I've got no idea, give us a clue, for God's sake.

Mark: Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, what more clue can I give you without giving it away?

Bradley Walsh: You're talking too quickly!! How can I understand that?!

Mark: Well, I'm sorry if I was of no help...

Series 17

17x08

[Talking about Elton John's lookalike]

David Grant: Is he about the same height as Elton John?

Mark Lamarr: No, he's 87 times the size. They have to film him from miles away!

17x09

Mark Lamarr: Wet Wet Wet eventually got so sick of "Love Is All Around" that they wrote to their record company, demanding the song be taken off the market. And since I found that fact out, I've spent six months trying to forge James Blunt's signature: "Dear James Blunt's record company. It's me, James Blunt. My records are rubbish. Please stop putting them out. Thanks. Bluntie. PS: You can stab me in the eye as well if you want."

[Talking about Sharon Osbourne having liposuction]

Mark: She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and I think that's cruel.

Series 18

18x02

Guest Host - Simon Amstell

With regulars Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Nick Knowles, Kenzie, Russell Howard and Aaron Gilbert.

Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Simon Amstell. And if you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet tonight's guests!

[Being asked how he made Britney Spears cry]

Simon: I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently...and she took that personally...

[Bill's team is coming up with nonsense answers to the question]

Simon: I can see now why Mark gets angry all the time.

Simon: I quite like you, Nick. My mum actually says she quite fancies you.

Nick: Is that right?

Simon: She says '"He's got a lovely big face".

Simon: Britney Spears' CD's are used by German farmers to keep wild boars from eating their crops. Meanwhile, Tina Turner's Greatest Hits are used at Gloucestershire airport to scare birds from the runway. They originally tried Ronan Keating's album, but the birds kept hurling themselves into jet engines.

[In Connected, Phill's team have to work out the connection between Ian Brown and Wet Wet Wet]

Kenzie: This is the same Wet Wet Wet as "Love Is All Around" Wet Wet Wet?

Phill: Yeah. Seventeen weeks at number one, a third of the year.

Kenzie: Well, fucking hell! (Audience laughter)

Phill: Ah, the wisdom of youth(!)

Simon: (to Kenzie) How young are you?

Kenzie: I've just turned twenty.

Simon: Okay. Kenzie is sweet, isn't he? Isn't Kenzie sweet? (Some audience members say "yes") Why don't you tell the nice BBC viewers what your song "Flip Reverse It" was all about?

Kenzie: Um...women...

Russell: Women?! It was about anal in a truck! (Audience laughter) Offended by seventeen weeks! But the idea of bumming a lady in a Mazda? Fine.

Kenzie: I've got a girl friend at the moment, whats she going to think about this?

Phill: I dunno...can she sit?

Kenzie: We're going by our human names to be taken more seriously.

Simon: Your human names?! Well, I think that's worked, Kenzie.

[About Blazin' Squad]

Kenzie: Four are starting Blazin' Squad up again, one's going solo...and two have gone out and got jobs.

[In the Intros round, after hearing an intro]

Nick: Ah, I see it now.

Simon: You see it now? Shall I give you a point for seeing it now?

Nick: Would help. 'Cause they just got a point. So we could equalize by my recognizing it afterwards. [To Bill] This could work very well for us.

Simon: Hang on, hang on. I've lost control of the whole thing. I feel like I'm the supply teacher and you're...you're just not respecting me as you should.

Nick: Play the track and I'll see if I can guess which one of them is going to take the lead and which one's going to do the-

Simon: How about you be quiet, and stop throwing chalk, Knowles! Hmmm? It's your own time you're wasting!

Nick: I just thought I might get one of these. You know what I mean? You sit at home and watch the program and think, "I could do that". And you sort of shout at the screen. And...now I feel like a tit.

Nick: Forget I spoke.

Simon: Okay. Always do.

[Being teased by Simon]

Nick: Er.. bovvered? Face?

Bill: Wide.

Russell: I imagine when Kenzie started singing then, the ears of the other members of the Squad just pricked up. Like funky meercats..."Kenzie's in trouble, put that mouse down!"

Kenzie: [After refusing to sing his song "Flip reverse it"] I can't sing... I rap.

Simon: You rap?

Kenzie: Uh, no...

Russell: When did you meet Meatloaf?

Kenzie: We were doing Party in the Park in 2002 with the Squad and he, um...walked past us.

Simon: Wow. I would have saved that story for Parky, personally.

Simon: We also heard 'Straight Up' by Paula Abdul. During the last series of American Idol, there were...there were...

Kenzie: "Scurrilous".

Simon: "Scurrilous", thank you very much.

Kenzie: Just trying to help.

Simon: Ooh, I can read!

Phill: One of 'em had to.

Simon: This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Simon Amstell. And before I go back to youth television..."Bollocks"!

18x03

Guest Host Ricky Wilson

With regulars Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Colin Murray, Bez, Ryan Jarman, and Jeff Green

Ricky Wilson: And tonight I am contractually obliged to say "I predict a laugh riot!"…I feel so dirty!

Ryan Jarman: If there's any legal implications involved in this, then, like, I invented Live 8, you see. This is not actually a lie. We were in the recording studio recording our album. I found Bob Geldof's mobile phone number while we were in the recording studio so I sent him a text message just saying "Three words, mate - Live Aid 2". Lo and behold six months later Live 8 comes out. It's just nice to know that you've made a little bit of difference, that's all. It really is.

Bill Bailey: [to Ricky] Last time I saw you was at Heathrow Airport, wasn't it? And you were shitfaced. You came up to me and said "[slurring]" I'm Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs!

Ricky Wilson: [drunkenly] I love you!

Bill Bailey: [drunkenly] Love you, Bill!

Ricky Wilson: I thought you were Hulk Hogan.

Ricky Wilson: Sorry Stevie [Wonder], if you're watching... (Ricky grimaces as he realises what he's just said)

18x06

Guest Host Huey Morgan

With regulars Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Reginald D Hunter, Sheila Ferguson Andy Rourke, and Natalie Cassidy

[During the Identity Parade, when all the guests were dressed in bird outfits]

Bill: BIRD FLU! [Everyone but Andy runs out of their seat and off the set. Andy covers his face with his arms]

[Later]

Bill: [On the subject of bird number 4] It doesn't look like any bird ... I don't understand ... it's a hybrid. It looks like some kind of -

Natalie: It looks like Phill! Look at the belly of it! Go and stand next to it! [Phill stands next to the bird] Look!

Bill: [Into his microphone] If we are very quiet we can hear the mating calls - [Phill makes a noise while Bill continues] - of the Essex bird.

Series 19

19x01

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Alesha Dixon, Phil Nichol, Ricky Ross, and Anthea Turner

Simon: Hello there and welcome to the exciting new series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. New set, new titles, new host. I guess what I'm trying to say is...welcome to the last series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Simon: Lorraine from Deacon Blue has a recurring nightmare where the band are playing to a baying crowd without the correct instruments. I have a recurring nightmare that I'm stuck in the middle of a baying crowd watching Deacon Blue.

[Ricky Ross from Deacon Blue smiles]

Simon: Only joking, I've never heard of you.

[To Anthea]

Simon: With this new show, "Perfect Housewife", did they say to you, "Look, we'd love you to have your own show, you just need a skill". And you went away for five years and you said "I'm really good at tidying! I can fold! Towels! I can put a toothbrush in a cup!".

[To Ricky Ross]

Simon: Ricky, has anything like that ever happened to you in your career like that? Have you ever...thrown a lollipop at a famous star?

Simon: Waxed, buffed, full leather interior, slight smell of sick, some rear end damage. It's Girls Aloud!

Simon: [About Ricky Ross] Are you sure he's been in a band?

Phill: How would you know, you're twelve!

Simon: I don't really know anything pre McFly.

Phill: Who's your favourite McFly?

Simon: What day is today?

Phill: It's a Thursday.

Simon: Thursday's a Danny day!

Simon: I think Patrick Kielty-

Anthea: Is fantastic.

Simon: I think more of a cunt.

Anthea: What! Excuse me...you can't say that word.

Bill: What? Kielty?

Anthea: Because you don't have one.

Simon: So I can't say it?

Anthea: No.

Simon: But I haven't got an umbrella...

Phill: Let's all say things we haven't got. Personal hygiene!

Bill: A grip on reality!

Phil Nichol: A career!

Anthea: Okay! A penis!

[Laughter]

Simon: You've got a penis.

[Later on, Simon says cunt again]

Simon: You can't say the word in front of Anthea 'cause I haven't got an umbrella.

[Trying to guess the name of a song with Phill miming at him]

Phil Nichol: ...Love doesn't pull, love doesn't tuggle, love doesn't hold, love doesn't feel, love's got big boobs, love has a moustache, love's, love, love speaks sign language, love's got...holding, tightening, ah, ah, nosing, holding, nose, pointing, pointing at nose, oh...praying! Love is the Pope, love is the Pope, love is the nosy Pope, the Pope's got a lovely nose! I don't know...

Alesha: Do you know what I think, I thinks number two 'cause he's dropping the style nice.

Simon: What are you...what's with all this speak?

Alesha: [Laughs hysterically] I don't know!

Simon: Dropping the...You don't speak like this! You get nervous and start going all a-bibbidy-bobbidy...!

Phill: Number two hasn't blinked in the last twenty minutes...

Phil Nichol: He's not real, he's papier maché.

Simon: [To Ricky Ross] Paul Young, he's on the show next week. I've heard of him.

19x02

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Vanessa Feltz, Matt Willis, Paul Young, Will Smith

[Watching a Westlife video]

Simon: Still going after seven years due to the unfortunate lack of murder, it's Westlife!

[After watching the Westlife video]

Simon: Erg, awful people.

Vanessa: I'm too old or too young for it. One or the other...

Simon: ...Old...

[Simon has been making fun of Vanessa]

Simon: After the show, we're gonna make love.

Simon: Nowadays in show business, you haven't really made it unless you've been slagged off by Lily Allen- [A man delivers a letter] "Dear Simon...."....oh...apparently I'm a twat!...Nothing about you, Vanessa.

Will Smith: I think it is by that early boy band that all looked like car thieves that shagged on bins...E17.

[About E17]

Will Smith: They just had two guys in the background who did nothing.

Simon: Matt used to be one of those.

Will Smith: No, he played the bass.

Simon: He did play bass...[In a high pitched voice] or at least pretended to.

Phill: Tonight on Phill - when team members bicker!

Simon: Phill, Phill, can I say something?

Phill: Yeah?

[Simon stands up]

Simon: Right...I think, I think you don't know what you're talking about...you, you shouldn't even go there...and, talk to the face, 'cause my arse ain't listening...

[About Tina Cousins]

Simon: Still very much in the business...oh no, that's not right...err...

[Tina gives Simon the finger]

Simon: What's that?...

[Vanessa nodding: "Yeah, you give him the finger"]

Simon: ...what's this? People who used to be on telly ganging up on me?!

Vanessa: What's the difference between a dildo and a strap on?

Simon: A strap on is like a hands free phone...so it's legal if you're driving...

19x03

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Stewart Lee, Tony Mortimer, Bill Oddie, Jason Pebworth

Bill Oddie: She's been cleaned up very quickly, as they do with the guillemots, and the cormorants and all that sort of thing-

Simon: Bill, Bill, I had a feeling you would rather talk about birds this evening, so I prepared your own game. Here you go, are you ready? What's this?

[He plays the sound of a bird]

Bill Oddie: It's a robin eating a Crunchie bar.

Simon: That's not what I've got on the card.

Simon: You're right, we pixelated some onions...not a kitten...being chopped to death by Shakira...

[Bill Oddie is talking nonsense]

Stewart Lee: You're in charge of this....

Simon: I am in charge of this! Stewart's right! Shoosh, Oddie!!

[Bill Oddie is still talking nonsense]

Phill: [Talking sternly to the audience] Who...gave him...Ribena?!

[Bill Oddie is trying unsuccessfully to guess the name of a song]

Simon: Bill, I don't like to see you struggle. What's this? [Holds up a picture of a bird]

Bill Oddie: That's an eyebrowed thrush.

Simon: Correct. Do you know the latin name for it?

Bill Oddie: No! Turdus something or other. Ooh, that's funny, turdus. I know where you're going, I know where you're going.

Simon: He's caught us out. They're all slightly rude. It was the turdus obscurus.

Bill Oddie: Yeah, I know, it's funny. Means the invisible shit!

Simon: I thought you knew about birds!

Bill Oddie: Well, it's a foreign one.

Simon: Do you just pretend for the telly?

Bill Oddie: It's, it's a foreign one!

Simon: Oh...racist.

[Simon holds up another picture of a bird]

Bill Oddie: Oh for God's sake...it's a...a dangly bollocked penis bird!

Bill Oddie: We don't mention Lily Allen.

Simon: We don't mention her? What did she do to you?

Bill Bailey: She put super-glue on your bird table.

Simon: What's your final answer?

Tony: Medication.

Phill: Stand up a minute...

Simon: Why, what's wrong with me?

Phill: Nah, just stand up...You look like you've been drawn by children!

[Laughter]

Phill: "Here is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so here's his hair!"

Simon: That's what I was going for...

Bill Oddie: "Hair or Blair?"

Simon: What's that?

Bill Oddie: "Hair or Blair?" I'm trying to think up new rounds!

Simon: Very good, "Hair or Blair?". What about [simultaneously with other panellists] "Bill or Kill?"?

Stewart Lee: Well, three has a dance music face...if there can be such a thing. Four has a guest dance vocal musicalist hair. If you put that hair and that face together, it would definitely be that one...but unfortunately they exist in separate bodies. Perhaps something could be done about that...

Simon: There he is, blaspheming again. Against God's work.

[Thunder is heard]

Simon: God is not happy with you, Stewart Lee.

[After trying to guess one of Phil and Jason's intros, and Simon is wearing a hat]

Stewart Lee: You know what it's like, you're trying to guess a song, and you end up looking at a hat.

Simon: You would say that...because you hate the baby Jesus.

[Studio audience and panelists laugh]

Simon: How dare you come on here with that Pagan-Marxist agenda, this is God's Pop Quiz.

Bill Oddie: Stay friends with the editor, that's my advice.

Simon: Stay friends with the doctor, that's my advice.

19x04

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Amy Winehouse, Penny Smith, Alex Pennie, Andrew Maxwell

Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. [Reading from a paper] "Officially the funniest show on TV right now. Simon Amstell is a competent and witty host, taking the viewer on a whirlwind journey of hilarious pop based comedy. Five stars"....No one's written that...

Simon: Amy's likes include Kelly Osbourne and the smell of petrol. I quite like matches, let's do lunch.

[Watching a Paris Hilton video]

Simon: Overpriced, arrogant, covered in dog poo, and since that tunnel opened, any old tosser with fifty quid can get in. It's Paris!

Penny: Do we know what Cliff Richard's biography is called?

Simon: Cliff Richard's biography is called - Cliff Richard: The Biography.

Alex: Oh, Christ.

Penny: Amy, is that hair yours, and is anything living in it?

Simon: That's not the GMTV way!

Penny: It would be if I had my way, I'd say that hair is fantastic!

Amy: Oh, yeah it's all mine...'cause I bought it.

Simon: Did you see Pennie smash up the instruments on GMTV?

Penny: I did, and I was in the studio when he did it...

Simon: You must have wanted to smash up the GMTV set though, a couple of times... or at least Fiona Phillips' patronizing witch-face.

[After being badgered by Simon to talk about her love life]

Penny: Okay, I might do silent humming like I do when something really awful is happening.

Simon: Okay... You also went out with, um-

[Penny lets out a high pitched hum]

Maxwell: This is a weird show, man...I've only ever seen it on T.V, and it's just not like this. It's not usually hectoring of day-time T.V presenters. She's humming to herself! Look, she's been around the block, she's knocked off a few dudes in her time!!

Simon: But we want to know, we want to know about Penny's love life, don't we?

Penny: No, I don't think we want to know...

Simon: Tell us about going out Paul McKenna, that's exciting.

Maxwell: Whoa! Did you go out with Paul McKenna!?!

Simon: [About Amy meeting with Pete Doherty] Don't go near him! Do something with Katie Melua. There you are.

Amy: I'd rather have cat-AIDS, thank you.

Simon: [To Amy] It's lovely to have you here. Part of the BBC's new remit: More Jews, less carbon emissions.

Simon: What about John Stapleton, what about him? He's a bit creepy though, isn't he?

Penny: Oh, will you stop it with your nonsense.

Simon: Has he ever tried anything on? "The time is seven o'clock. The place is: my lap."

Simon: You and Stapleton! "The time is nine pm...The place: my Travelodge. Come with me, Penny. Ride me! For I am Stapleton."

Phill: I bet Stapleton, after shagging all night, not a hair out of place.

Maxwell: I bet he does it with a shower cap on.

Simon: What's the "push push"?

Amy: I don't know, it's my new thing.

Simon: Is it? I thought it was crack.

Amy: Do I look like Russell Brand?

Simon: Uh, yes.

Amy: [In unison with Simon] Yes.

Maxwell: This feels like a really dysfunctional Christmas day.

[About Ben Elton]

Amy: I don't think there's such thing as integrity or being a sell out, I just think he's a wanker.

Simon: Didn't you used to do a fashion column for the Daily Mail?

Penny: Funnily enough, I did. I've done many strange things in my time.

Simon: What does one wear to a lynching?

[Amy complains to Simon about what he said about the participants in the identity line-up]

Simon: Oh, they get paid and they know what's going to happen.

Maxwell: Oh god, you sound like a pimp! (In East End Voice) They gets paid their money, they know whats gonna happen. As you close the container lorry and set sail for western Europe.

Simon: This is not a football match. You come here, full of...crack...spitting all over things.

Amy: Let it die, please. Let it die.

Simon: The addiction I'd like to die...this isn't even a pop quiz anymore, it's an intervention, Amy.

Penny: Spitting...that would never happen on GMTV.

Simon: Nothing happens on GMTV.

Simon: [Reading an intro] "They tried to make me go to rehab..."?

Amy: "I said no, no, no".

Simon: Is correct. In hindsight...I think maybe "yes", maybe...

Simon: [Reading an intro] "They told him don't you ever come around here..."?

Bill: Uh...because you're a registered sex offender.

Simon: [Reading an intro] "I've got something to put in you..."?

Amy: Thanks darling!

19x05

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests John Barrowman, Robin Ince, Daniel Bedingfield, Kelli Young

[About Sugababes]

Bill: Ungodly? Is there anything specific about that?

Simon: I think it was just a lot of wiggling of vaginas...that sort of thing.

Barrowman: Hold on, hold on...does a vagina wiggle?! Not that I've ever seen one but; so please inform me.

Simon: Well, I'm not an expert...

Phill: There's nothing quite like the riveting T.V stylings of two homosexuals discussing fannies, is there?

Simon: [About Liberty X 'X'] People won't remember this, as people barely remember Liberty X...

Simon: You look like you haven't aged in 15 years.

Barrowman: That's what the TARDIS does to you.

Simon: ...You sure it isn't the botox?

[Discussing strategies to stay young]

Bill: The marrowbone from goats, that's good as well, isn't it.

Simon: Have you...

Barrowman: Have I sucked marrowbone from a goat? No.

Phill: But I bet you could.

Simon: Poverty should have been history by now, lazy Cotton!

[Kelli feels Barrowman's arse]

Phill: You realize the Daily Mail's going to be in uproar about that bit of the show. "Black lady touches homosexual on television!"

Barrowman: "With white man in the middle!"

Simon: You cheated there, Bill Bailey!

Barrowman: I didn't cheat!

Simon: Not you, Barrowman!

Barrowman: Right.

Simon: Always about you, isn't it? "I'll be on Maria! I'll be in Torchwood, I'll be on any bloody show that'll have me! Even Buzzcocks". I saw you on Loose Women.

Barrowman: Yeah.

Simon: They're awful, aren't they?

Simon: You cheated!

Bill: Yeah, I cheated. And what of it? You ain't the boss of me. I ain't never gonna be your bitch!

Barrowman: Talk to the hand 'cause the wrist is pissed.

Simon: You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!

Barrowman: [Exaggerated accent] Let's have a gay-off! Ready? Lips pursed, hands on the table, and go!

Simon: ...I haven't even told my mum yet.

Simon: Kurt Cobain is now the top earning dead celebrity. So not Bruce Forsyth. If you're watching that on a repeat...and he is dead...that is inaccurate.

[Trying to guess an answer with John Barrowman raising his hand]

Robin: I don't even think you are gay, Barrowman! I think. I've seen all this pretending that "Oh, don't worry girls, I'm just gay, now I'm going to kiss you and fondle my stuff," it's disgusting! The oldest trick in the book! What would Barrowman know? Oh, Lulu! It's Lulu then!

Simon: Robin, John will not be able to help you with this one because tonight he's playing the part of a stereotype.

Simon: We've had a gay man guessing Kylie, a black lady guessing Bob Marley. We are doing nothing to subvert expectations!

Simon: [About a gorilla coat] I should say that that coat is not made out of gorilla.

Bill: Is it not?

Simon: It's made out of Desert Orchid.

Simon: Were you ever in the Sugababes?

Kelli: I wasn't in the Sugababes, no.

Simon: My sister's going to be in the Sugababes for her gap year.

Simon: Gays...come here...take our men...

Barrowman: [Singing] Oh, high on a hill with a great big dildo! [Yodelling]

19x06

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Lily Allen, Jamelia, Steve Strange, Mark Watson

[Introducing Lily Allen]

Simon: Lily was expelled from five schools. At 14, she ran away to go to Glastonbury and she pushed pills in Ibiza. Well, I stole my brother's Care Bear, but I don't go on about it. And he's still looking for it. You square!

[After Steve Strange has been rambling on]

Simon: I should explain... Steve is a recovering heroin addict.

[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]

Lily: The future's bright; her husband's orange.

[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]

Simon: So, what have we pixelated?

Lily: I think it's her morals.

[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]

Steve: I think it's a mirror image of a disco ball.

Simon: You know...we pixelated it?

Simon: So we're starting a war with the So-Solid crew.

Phill: Simon, we can't take on da Crew!

Simon: Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!

Bill: I have the ears of death!

Simon: And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?

Phill: I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!

Simon: Javine was one of the most boring people I've ever interviewed. And I've interviewed Ronan Keating.

Simon: Do it again, Jamelia, do the sexy moves.

Bill: And I'll provide the eye candy.

Jamelia: I love Lily, I think she's wicked, but I did ask for an edited version of Lily's album for my daughter, and Lily said she hopes she's not paying for it.

Lily: No, I just said... [laughter] Not being funny, Jamelia, but I didn't make my album for your child.

[All go 'Ooohhhh...']

Mark: Call her a slag, call her a slag!

[All go 'Yeahhh...']

[Talking about the line up]

Bill: Number five is the proprietor of a remote guest house. "Yeeaass? There's room in the east wing. Eehaha! Would you like me to run you a bath? Breakfast is served between 7:00 and 7:03...ON MY BACK Eeeeahahahahaha!!"

Simon: [Reading in intro] "Love is like a butterfly..."?

Bill: You...put a pin through it's back.

[During the timed round "Next Lines']

Lily: Can we just move on to the ones I know, come on, please!

Simon: [Pauses] You know what you need?

Lily: No, Simon! Just move on, no!

Simon: Come with me...[He pulls her up] You need a hug. Yeah, yeah. I know - I know that - [She starts to pull away but he pulls her back] stay in it - I know you feel you have issues with intimacy. You feel that you're not loved. You have a hundred thousand friends on MySpace but are they really friends that you can touch, no, I'm touching you now. Okay? Everyone loves you here, you don't need points, you can just be you.

Lily: Okay.

[They sit. The time runs out]

Simon: Time up, I'm afraid.

Lily: No!!

Simon: Do you want another hug?

Lily: I would rather eat shit.

19x07

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Danny Jones, David Gest, Dan Gillespie Sells, Jenni Falconer

[About surnames]

Phill: Danny, did they say "We're looking for celebrity Joneses"?

Danny: No.

Simon: Danny's surname is "from McFly".

[About David Gest's friend Michael Jackson]

David: Be nice to him.

Bill: Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.

[Laughter]

Simon: He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!

Simon:David, you must have met Grace Jones. Or married her?

David: So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.

Simon: That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?

David: No.

Simon: Call yourself a starfucker?

Simon: I'm a big fan of Michael Jackson.

David: Not any more.

Simon: Why not?

David: 'Cause you put him down.

Simon: No I didn't, it was that man over there.

[Bill waves]

Simon: I love Michael Jackson...and I hate babies, so...

[Talking about David's love life]

David: I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.

Simon: What do you mean?

David: She's a business woman.

Simon: Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.

[About a naked picture of Danny]

Simon: I'm not happy about it, Danny. When did the music of McFly become about cupping your testicles in front of whooping homosexuals?

[Later]

Danny: Haven't you got another picture of me?

[After playing medieval instruments]

Danny: I've never played things like that before.

Simon: Instruments.

Simon: So I was in the cinema two weeks ago. Chris Martin from Coldplay walks past me and says, "Hey, you're a cool guy". I said, [In a high pitched voice] "You're cool!"... I felt like he was going to turn around and say, "I've misjudged you...".

Simon: I forgot to say, as it's a Christmas special, for every song you don't get right, an orphan gets beaten. Merry Christmas!

Simon: [lighting a Menorah] I'm just lighting candles for the baby Jesus.

Phill: [mocking] Your people killed him.

[Laughter]

Phill: I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.

Simon: I have no regrets, he deserved it.

Bill Bailey: Merry Christmas everybody!

David: I have no clue what you've been playing.

Phill: Drum.

Simon Amstell: I forgot to tell you we've had a letter in the Daily Express! I'm very proud of this: "Why are so many BBC comedies unwatchable? Catherine Tate is full of swearing, and Never Mind The Buzzcocks contains gay filth!"

[Audience cheers]

[Bill and Phill shake Simon's hand]

Phill: Well, done. Congratulations.

Bill: Congratulations on the gay filth!

Simon: Come on people, it's fucking Christmas!

[About Jamelia]

Simon: There seemed to be slight disbelief when I said she went to hospital for laughing to much. People were thinking, "On this show?!" Yes, on this show! I'll give you all hernias!

Simon: You've heard what the other Jew...you've heard what the other Jew...You've heard what the Jew said! Ah, dear. You've heard what the other two judges said...

Simon: From all of us here, whichever religion you are, remember, only one can be right, so...let's have a war! Happy Christmas!

[On Surnames]

Bill: Are you an actually an actual Falconer?

Jenni: Yes.

Bill: Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuulll! FalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalco! Faaaaaaaaauuuulll! Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Falcons, Hawks and Falcons, Eagles, Eagles, Hawks and Falcons...Owls!

Series 20

20x01

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Matt Baker, Alan Davies, Nerina Pallot, Chris Peck (Boy Kill Boy)

[About Pink]

Alan: She's in a basque that's unconnected.

Phill: She's wearing underwear as outerwear.

Chris: I still think she looks like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.

Simon: What are you saying Davies, the questions are too easy!?

Alan: Yes.

Simon: This show isn't so highbrow, but we like to say "Ohh, Robbie Williams is a tit!" That's what people like!

Alan: He's not a tit, he's quite nice.

Simon: Robbie Williams?

Alan: Yeah.

Simon: Oh, oh, you lose a point!

Simon: Was there ever any lewd behavior on Blue Peter?

Bill: Yeah, did it ever get blue?

Matt: Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...

Simon: I watched Blue Peter once when I was a kid, I think it was about morris dancing and making some...nonsense...

Matt: Oh yeah?

Simon: Turned me onto glue.

Bill: [To Nerina] You can slag off anyone you like, with impunity. I'll start us off. Right: D'you hear this, right, the other day, Chris de Burgh on Loose Ends, he slagged me off. Ned goes "Blah blah blah, heard about that Bill Bailey?" in his way, and he goes "Yes. I've heard he's very ugly. And he hasn't got much hair."

Phill: Is that all that the troll had to work with?

Bill: That is all the-

Phill: Mono-brow freak monster.

Bill: Yeah. Mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss-monger!!...Who has inflicted...his sentimental mewlings on a reluctant nation!!...[To Nerina] There you go, on you go.

Simon: I should explain to home viewers...this show was recorded in November and we've been assured that Nerina, by now, is famous.

[During the Intros round]

Nerina: It was groovy but it was a bit fast.

Bill: It was a bit fast, oh okay. Let's take it down. Let's lay it down. Let's take some juice out of the old mango.

[About the line up]

Alan: I don't think it's number one. I don't think it's number two or number three...I also don't think it's number four or number five.

[After choosing number 4]

Phill: Can I just say, I saw a flash in the eye of number two...so let's watch what happens.

Simon: Do you just want to pick number two?

Phill: No. We picked number four...but I'm watching number two.

Nerina: You'd appreciate this, number two's quite cute, isn't he?

Simon: Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.

Nerina: No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?

Bill: What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.

20x02

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Philip Olivier, Donny Tourette, Alfie Jackson, Noel Fielding

Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Well, the world is still at war with itself. There seems to be no end to poverty and hunger. No cure for cancer or AIDS. And that's not to mention the ecological apocalypse we're facing. I don't know about you...but I'm in the mood for a bloody good pop quiz!

Simon: I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!

Donny: Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.

Bill: Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.

Donny: It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.

Bill: Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!

Donny: D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.

Bill: No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!

Simon: Down with Thatcher!

Simon: [To Donny] I'm sensing you're going to be a peculiar nuisance this evening...

[About The Kooks]

Noel: They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-

Alfie: How long were you there for?

Noel: Oh...four minutes.

[Talking about spooning]

Simon: There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..

Alfie: There is...who's the last one on at night?

Phill: Westwood.

Alfie: Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!

Bill Bailey: Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!

Noel: He's no spoon, is he?

Bill: No.

Noel: He's a shovel!

Simon: Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!

Donny: D'you want a go?

[Simon puts the glasses on]

Donny: And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]

Simon: : [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...

Donny: You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets

Bill: Yeah...

Donny: Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.

Bill: Oooh!

Simon: [To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!

[Donny tells a bad joke and the audience groans]

Donny: Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?

Simon: Yeah, it was definitely their fault.

[After watching a video of Donny shouting]

Phillip: I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...

Simon: I don't understand. Did he suggest that you couldn't dick on the Sex Pistols? I think, I think you can dick on them.

Donny: Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...

Simon: He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.

Simon: [to Philip] By the way, I watched that Hollyoaks: In the City last night, and it was incredible! Imagine Hollyoaks... but EVEN WORSE! You were the best actor in it though...

Philip: Thank you.

Simon: ...which is almost a compliment.

Philip: Thank you again!

Simon: I watched it last night, and I thought "no problem, you're on the show" I'll watch it, half an hour, fine... LASTS AN HOUR! I'm sat there, I'll never get that time back again!

Simon: Have you got an answer?

Phill: You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!

Donny: I can't even remember the question.

Phill: Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!

Donny: ....Because his helmet turned blue?

Phill: Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.

Simon: His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.

Donny: The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!

Simon: It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.

Donny Tourette: [gripping his groin] This is what I think of you!

Simon: Really? You think me...a small penis? Well I never!

[Simon is showing Philip's calendar full of risqué shots]

Simon: Are you at all upset, you know, when you saw the calendar...it was just pictures and none of your teachings?

Simon: Donny just called me 'Anstis'. You know I'm not Toby Anstis, don't you?

Donny: I thought your name was Anstis?

Simon: Amstell... but you know it doesn't matter, I'll go with-

Donny: Amstell's a beer!

Simon: Yes!

Donny: I like beer.

Simon: And I like you...

[Talking about a member of the identity parade]

Noel: Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.

Bill: The international symbol of inbreeding.

Simon: How dare you!

Donny: My shades!

Simon: When he goes, you can have them back. Is that all right, do you want them back now? Are you gonna 'cause some sort of riot?!

Noel: I like the authentic punk dance. That is like a child dizzy on lemonade.

[Reading Next Lines]

Simon: "I am an Antichrist, I am an anarchist..."?

Phill: "I is -"

Donny: I am the walrus?

Simon: "I is I am the walrus," yes.

Simon: Hang on a minute... Donny is smoking now!?!?! What is he going to do next!?!?! A cigarette! That you can legally buy in shops! I'll try to carry on but I am shocked and appalled!!

Simon: Donny is unhappy...

Donny: No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.

Simon: Punks love points...

Bill: Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!

20x03

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Preston, Fyfe Dangerfield, Ed Byrne, Anne Charleston,

Special guest Ed Seymour

Ed: I love that you called him "Snoop Doggy Dogg"... It's Snoop Dogg.

Simon: Getting advice from the middle aged man in a hoodie...

Ed: The only person who'd call him Snoop Doggy Dogg is his mother and then only when he's in trouble..."Snoop Doggy Dogg! Clean these hoes out of your bedroom!"

Simon: So what connects the two?

Phill: What connects the two? What doesn't? Prosperous, black, rappers, drugs, firearms...

Simon: You're quite right, there are a lot of things that connects them. Really, the game should be called "What is written on my piece of paper?"

Simon: I've been listening to your album, it's very impressive.

Preston: Good, thank you.

Simon: All tracks written by Preston...except 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8-

Preston: I wrote them with my guitarist!

Simon: Sure, sure you did...9, 10, 11, 13 and 15! Sorry, I like it though.

Simon: We're gonna have fun tonight, Preston!

Preston: Oh, really? Let me know when it starts.

Ed If I can't sleep at night, phone me up and tell me that story!

Simon: I will phone you...on my Mowbli.

[Ed is a spokesman for Carphone Warehouse, which uses Mowbli as a mascot]

Simon: I feel reluctant to say anything about Britney because this show doesn't go out for a couple of weeks and her story in the tabloids changes so often...maybe we should cover ourselves. I can't believe that picture of her with that cake up her bottom!

Bill: Blimey, maybe we should do something about Britney and that rare...bird...egg...

Simon: Unbelievably, she's the new voice of Carphone Warehouse! She's got her life back together and is now recording a new album?! Just in case...

Simon: So, Fyfe, your band is famous for using odd inst-...I say famous...are known...

[Speaking about Fyfe's band mate]

Simon: I read in your bumph that she found the perfect bass note to give a lady an orgasm.

Fyfe: Well, she says...but she won't tell us what it is! Which is selfish, I think. I think it's an F sharp, though! [Laughs hysterically]

Simon: I never thought I'd be on T.V trying to give Madge an orgasm.

[Ed correctly guesses the song in the Intros round]

Preston: Correct!!...Am I allowed to say that?

Simon: I suppose you just did! Let's hear how it should have sounded. [Plays the song] In the future, I would like to break the news...

[Quoting from Chantelle Houghton's book]

Simon: "The Paris Hilton work was a low point for me. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing, and on top of that it caused me some real problems with my hair". [Puts book down. Audience laughs, but Preston looks angry] What? It's a good... Haven't you read it? I don't want to spoil the ending for you! [Audience laughs and applauds. Simon opens the book again] "The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and upmarket..."

Preston: [Getting up] Oh, you've done it now. See you later, I'm off. Sorry.

Simon: Oh no, Preston come on

Preson: No, seriously, I'm going home.

Simon: Preston, we're having fun!

Preston: I ain't.

[He storms off stage]

Simon: Come on, Preston! Oh no, we can't lose Preston...

Bill: I guess he thought he's been voted out!

Simon: I mean, I only read his girlfriend's book.

[An audience member yells out "It's his wife!"]

Simon: I only read his wife's book...

Bill: What's wrong with that?

Simon: I can't believe that upset him...I mean...I don't know if he's read it. I've read the whole thing, it upset me.

[After getting an audience member to replace Preston]

Simon: What is your name?

Ed Seymore: Ed.

Simon: Hello, Preston.

Simon: What do you do in your real life?

Ed Seymore: Um, a well driller.

Simon: A well driller.

Ed Seymore: Drill bore holes.

Ed: Water wells or oil wells?

Ed Seymore: Neither.

Ed: Ah! What other kind of wells are there? Is it a lemonade well?

Simon: Fyfe, Fyfe, do you find it difficult to perform without office equipment?

Fyfe: Yes.

Simon: Do you want a hole punch?

Fyfe: Yes.

[He begins squeezing it]

Simon: Hang on, sorry I didn't think that through...sorry, a silent hole punch. How about a desk tidy?

Fyfe: Nah, nah.

Simon: PostIt notes?

Fyfe: Right... [He storms off the set]

Simon: Oh, no.

[Laughter. Fyfe comes back]

Simon: Lucky I didn't get to the lever arch file!

[After failing to guess a song]

Simon: Anne, what about this one?

[He plays the Neighbours theme song]

Anne: Right, that's it!

'[She moves to stand up]

Simon: No, no, no, no!

[After a particularly bad joke]

Simon: If you'd like to write jokes for the show, all you need is a crayon.

Ed Byrne: Can we get the Paris Hilton look-alike something to suck on so she looks more convincing?

Simon: I've never met anyone from the public before!

Simon: So yeah, so who, uh...not who...how many...not, not that either...uh...

Phill: You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.

Simon: [Reading an intro] "Call me, call me anytime..."?

Phill: Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.

[Simon gives Fyfe the lever arch file]

Fyfe: It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?

Simon: Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.

Bill: It's still here...

[Simon hugs Preston's fill-in]

Simon: Thank God for you!!

20x04

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard

[Opening the show, with a reference to Preston walking out in the previous show and some of the comments Preston made to the press about his treatment on the show]

Simon: Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!

Simon: Oooohhh, Vienna! And being Scottish it really does mean nothing to me! Phil's first guest is legendary Band Aid co-creator and former Ultravox frontman Midge Ure. Midge is also known for being the best mate of Sir Bob Geldof... and for his cheeky catchphrase "Where's my sodding knighthood?"

[Following from last show where Preston walked out]

Simon: I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.

[About a Billy Idol video]

Bill: There's a fantastic shot of a toaster that seems, uh...it's actually, it's the very rare, the genie of the toaster. It's uh, rub it three times: "I am the genie of the toaster! You have three wishes...providing they are of a...toast...based...nature..."...

Bill: Can I just ask...They get a serious question about politics, we get "Who pissed themselves?". "Who wee'd?", "Who weed, Bill. You simpleton from the woods. With your simple friends that you collected in a glade out in the woods"...They get, "Oh, who lobbied the government blah blah", a serious question for the proper people who've done charity and are all proper, but the monkey boys over here get "Who weed!". You snotty nosed, public school boy...

Simon: All right, what do you think we should do about nuclear waste?

Bill: I dunno, I don't care.

Simon: When I was younger, we didn't have to have drugs..

Russell: You had Ferrero Rocher didn't you?

[About Simon]

Russell: [In a posh voice] Hey lads, take your snuff, let's stay up till nine. You should ride to the studio on a swan next week.

Simon: I bloody would if the asylum seekers hadn't eaten them all.

Simon: Bob Geldof, I understand, has lobbied the government about nuclear waste, Midge.

Midge: Has he? Sir Bob Geldof?

Simon: Sir Bib Geldof, yes. What do you think we should do about the environment, Midge?

Midge: Give me a bloody knighthood and I'll tell you!

Simon: I don't think it works that way round, Midge! The Magic Numbers [Points to Romeo] were not on Live 8, Band 20... What was it called?

Midge: Oh, the record?

Simon: Why was this?

Midge: I've got no idea!

Simon: You were there! Didn't you produce the song?

Midge: No I was the executive producer which meant that I let someone else do all the work and I took all the credit!

Simon: Didn't Bob take all the credit?

Midge: Bob is...Bob is like a death eater from Harry Potter. "It's mine!"

Simon: That's what tonight is all about...having a wonderful time.

Bill: Yeah, let's not be negative.

Simon: I like everything...Do...D'you know everything? Well, I like it...You know all books? I like them all!

[About Bill and Romeo]

Russell: That was lovely. That was like two really jolly farmers singing at me ... Like you've just grown some excellent marrows and you're like, [He puts on a Cornish accent] "Let's turn up 'round Howard's house and sing him a little ditty...". [He pretends to open a door] You all right, lads?

Bill: Hello there!

Russell: [Holding pretend vegetables] Look at the size of them buggers!

[Following Preston storming off last episode]

[Talking about Sade]

Simon: In 1995, Sade performed at Live Aid, and said that afterward, she didn't get to meet any of the stars...she just sat in the green room with Midge Ure.

[Midge looks pissed off]

Simon: Stay where you are, Midge!

Midge: Wanker.

Simon: Yeah...good point.

[Trying to help Nick guess a band]

Midge: It's a youthful combo.

Nick: Youthful Combo..?

Simon: From Liverpool.

[Nick looks blank]

Midge: With a saxophone.

[Silence]

Phill: Called The Zutons.

Simon: How old are you, Nick?

Nick: Seventeen.

Simon: Seventeen, wow. You're really ruining my "I'm the young guy" thing here. Normally I get away with being the young person, being under thirty-five and able to name the Sugababes. Tonight I feel that Phill has seen what a real young person is and is going to stop loving me...I feel like Rudy from the Cosby show when she got old and grew a mustache.

[Following Preston storming off last episode]

Simon: I do not want you to worry about this, Nicholas Hoult. This does not affect anything in your life. We are just having fun.

Nick: I just want to go home...

Simon: Don't you move!

[Reminiscing about being a child]

Russell: Doing that and writing "boobless" on your calculator...great days

Bill: Yeah, saving your scabs in a little matchbox...ah, posting them to your pen pal...

Russell: Ha! Pasting them to your pen pal..."Dear, dear Gunther...I thought you'd enjoy these!"

Bill: "Ici, mon scabs!"

Russell: [Putting on a drawling accent] "Dear Bill, thank you for your scabs...next time a pube or two...Yours, Renoir...mmmmmmmmmmmm."

Bill: "Chèr Renoir, I am terminating this correspondence...it's gone a bit weird."

[Talking about the line-ups costume]

Phill: Why's it like sunglasses, skiing, sunglasses, sunglasses, the MOON!

Phill: You see, this is the seat that Preston left, this is the seat that Lemmy left the show, admittedly at the re-takes... we should just call it the 'Ejector seat'

Simon: [Thoughtfully] We should maybe get some sort of seatbelt...

[Talking about Midge's daughter's band, after getting at Midge because Bob Geldof got all the credit]

Simon: The Faders were a female Busted. Very good, I interviewed them, I enjoyed them very much. Didn't do too well, shame.

Midge: There's something about you and interviewing.

Simon: Meanwhile, Peaches Geldof...pretty big news...

Simon: Thank you all for staying to the end...and as a reward, everyone gets a lolly!

20x05

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus

With guests Jonas Armstrong, Nick Hodgson, Sinitta, Dom Joly

[Discussing Five]

Simon: I think E17 were a bit like car thieves...I think Five could have killed.

Jonas: They only way you could injure yourself with peanut butter is if you were wanking with it.

Phill: Yeah, but only if you use crunchy....

Jonas: I've tried both and believe me, it happens with both.

Simon: What are you talking about, Robin Hood?

Phill: I actually like it with jam...peanut butter, not wanking.

Jonas: Out in the forest we didn't have peanut butter so we used, like, rabbit skin...

Phill: Is this a more adult Robin Hood?

Bill: Robin of Hollyoaks...after dark.

Simon: "Where's Friar Tuck?", "He's screwing a tree."

[Guessing a song]

Jonas: Is it Northern?

Phill: ooh?

Jonas: It is...Stone Roses, "Sally Cinnamon"

Nick: Ahh...

Jonas: "Shes a Waterfall"!! Waterfall, Waterfall!

Simon: Jonas, I would have given you a point...but you were a bit smug about it.

Jonas: I wasn't smug!

Simon: "I know it. It's Northern, The Stone Roses, with blah blah WRONG!"

[Guessing another song]

Nick: [Singing] I wonder why...

Jonas: I wonder why!

Simon: I will not stand for cheating!

Jonas: That's it, isn't it?

Simon: I can not give you this point, Jonas.

Joans: Why not?!

Simon: Because you stole it!

Jonas: You said I could have another go, so I did!

Simon: You had another go and then he, [points to Nick] he spoke with his mouth!

Jonas: I swear to God, I didn't even look at him...

Simon: You are a liar and a thief.

Dom: Easy, Robin, leave it. Leave it...

Bill: Not so merry now, are you!?

Sinitta: I love Kate, but I'd love her job.

Simon: Hmmm.

Sinitta: Why don't you like her?

Simon: She doesn't appear to be human.

Phill: I sit here, Simon, week after week, being your quiz whore...

Simon: Yes.

[After Rik Waller from the line up swaps places with Phill]

Nick: There's no answer anymore...

Simon: To be honest-

Nick: What shall I do? What shall I do?

Simon: I'm very confused. There is no doubt about it that that [He looks at Rik sitting in Phill's place] is Rik Waller... Yet we have a line up of people...

Phill: When you say will he step forward, he can't 'cause he's not here. It's a conundrum, Simon.

Simon: Why didn't I spend more time at presenting school?! What are we going to do...quick, Sinitta, stand on a ball!!

Simon: How does you theme go?

Jonas: It hasn't got lyrics...

Phill: "He's the bitch of Sherwood forest! He's gonna bust an arrow in yo' ass!"

Simon: Correct. Bryan Adams from the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves film...

Jonas: Yeah, yeah...

Simon: ...with the irreplaceable Kevin Costner.

Simon: [Reading an intro] "Lights going out, a kick in the balls..."?

Dom: "That's entertainment".

Simon: Correct. That's Entertainment by The Jam. That's not entertainment...standing on a ball, that's entertainment.

20x06

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Bonnie Tyler, Mel C, Adam Buxton, Krishnan Guru-Murthy

[After watching a video]

Simon: That was Babyshambles with "Fuck Forever". I find that suggestion obscene and impractical.

[About Pete Doherty]

Mel C: Have you seen his fingernails? Would you ever let those fingernails anywhere near you? They're dirty.

Simon: But you could clean his fingernails and then use them...

[About his experience with drugs]

Adam: Mushrooms, jesus, yeah, I did some mushrooms, can I just tell you? 'Cause, uh, no one told me what kind of dose you're supposed to take. You know, because I fell into the bad crowd at university. Don't go to university, kids. It's a disaster. And uh, they said, like, "Let's do some mushies!". I said, "I don't want to do too many, because drugs frighten me. I don't want to get off my head completely, I just want to get a bit giggly". They said "All right, just want to get a bit giggly...take a hundred". So I had a hundred fucking mushrooms...and so, went to Mars, you know. And that was the night that my scrotum shriveled up to the size of a pea. I had to spend the rest of the week just, like, looking at photographs of myself, my friends and family to try and remember who I fucking was. Nightmare. Don't ever, ever do it!

Simon: Good message there from the BBC.

Bonnie: How many Nellies does it take to change a nightbulb?

Bill: A nightbulb?

Bonnie: A lightbulb. I'd like you know, Simon! How many Nellies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Bill: I don't know! I don't know, Bonnie. How many Nellies-

Bonnie: How many Manchester United players does it take...to change a lightbulb?

Bill: I don't know... How many Manchester United players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Bonnie: Two. One from the team, the one from the...uh...the guy who goes to fetch the other one in red...

[Bill looks bewildered]

Simon: Should we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.

Bill: [To Krishnan] How do you stand with all the channel four, the whole business, you know, the terrible, you know-

Simon: Bill, it's six weeks ago.

Bill: What?

Simon: The racism.

Bill: Six weeks ago?!

Simon: This is going out in six weeks.

Bill: Don't, don't say that!

Simon: What?

Bill: Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, man. You're fucking up with my head! It's now in my head!

Simon: I just don't want you to waste-

Bill: Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?

Bonnie: Nobody's asked me to launch one...

Bill: They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!

Simon: Do you put condoms on a man when you have intercourse?

Mel C: Do you?

[audience laughs]

Simon: ...we just cuddle.

Simon: Khrishnan, what do you think we should do about hunger?

Khrishnan: Feed people.

Simon: [Reading off the auto-cue]...She's not the only one promoting...I'll start again. There was a cough there, a cough!! How can I do this when there's coughing!?! [To Krishnan] Do you ever have coughing in the Channel 4 studio?

Krishnan: We don't have an audience.

Simon: Don't have an audience? That's a bloody good idea.

Simon: I don't want to upset Bonnie...

Mel C: But you don't mind upsetting me?

Simon: Ah, no, because you're not a drunk...anything could happen.

Bonnie: My big sister will come here and tell you off.

Simon: What does she drink?

Simon: Now with the weather, here's Bonnie.

Bonnie: What?

[Laughter]

Bonnie: Over here, [She points at Bill's chest] it's going to be very warm...and down here, [She points to Bill's groin] it's going to be ice cold. Up here, [She points to Bill's head] there's been a lot of wind...

Simon: [Reading an intro] "Turn around..."?

Bonnie: Bright eyes.

Simon: Not what I've got here.

Bonnie: Oh. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when I dream of something wild.

Simon: No.

Bonnie: Every now and then I fall apart.

Simon: No.

Bonnie: Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.

Simon: ...Correct. Okay, next one..."Turn around..."?

Series 21

21x01

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Joel Pott, Kimberly Stewart, Jessica Hynes, Lethal Bizzle

Simon: I don't really think that Girls Aloud are boring. Or The Kooks aren't that good. Or that Westlife are a tired and vile disease who prey on mentally ill Woolworths shoppers, who found it acceptable to cover a Michael Buble song from two years ago, and should be subjected to a marathon punching and gouging session before being stabbed in the legs, burnt alive, and then stuffed and hung in the British Museum under a sign that reads "Dead Old Shit". It's just a fun pop quiz!

Simon: Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?

Joel: She must be.

Phill: Let's poke her and find out.

Bill: She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.

Phill: She's been on Bizzle?

Lethal: Who's that?

Bill: Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?

Lethal: Yeah I'm on Myface.

Bill: My... Myface?

Lethal: Myspace

Phill: Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?

Bill: I hate that, people who... like, nick your herbs out of your trolley. You're planning a really nice casserole, you got all the herbs, and somebody nicks the herbs out of your trolley. It's not theft, technically, cause you haven't paid for it.

Phill: Bill's next song... ooh, took my chives, took my chives, took my chives! Ooh took my chives!

Simon: Nash said that one of her one hundred and nine thousand friends on Myspace said he wanted to put a bomb up my cunt.

[Laughter]

Simon: You may laugh, but the metropolitan police had to evacuate the area... and it was six hours before normal service was resumed.

Simon: Is your marriage in trouble?

Jessica: Oh, Simon.

Simon: Is it alright? Is it okay?

Jessica: Would you be interested if I said it was?

Simon: Yeah, let's talk about it.

Jessica: I've got a lot of feelings for you... basically. I kinda wanna wrestle you and kiss you at the same time.

Simon: We could do that.

Jessica: Do many people say that to you? I bet they do.

Simon: There's a nice area in front of the desk...

Jessica: Do you want to wrestle?

Simon: Have a bit of a wrestle.

Jessica: Okay, come on.

[They begin to hesitantly wrestle. Simon grabs Jessica's waist and tries to lift her over his shoulder, Jessica pushes him on the floor and grabs his foot before pinning him down. They return to their seats]

Simon: What that was good for was like a 'best of' package.

[Jessica guesses an intro correctly]

Simon: She's so smug isn't she Kimberly? Very smug. What a bitch. What a bitch that Jessica Hynes is... comes here, with her career.

Simon: George Bush claims that he has 'My Sharona' on his iPod, but mainly to drown out the screams of thousands of dead Iraqi children.

[Simon put up a picture of a field of flowers with kittens as a way of claiming that the show is only a quiz and shouldn't be taken seriously]

Phill: You're gonna need a bigger kitten.

Simon: All there silly jokes that we doing about, oh, you should get a job, I mean... why should you have a job! It's ridiculous!

Kimberly: Oh, stupid me, getting a job!

Simon: I mean, what do they want you to do?

Kimberly: I don't know!

Simon: Achieve something?!? Bastards!

Kimberly: It's just so stupid!

Simon: Not everyone can do what you do. You have a, eh, individual talent... when did you first realize that you had what it took to be Rod Stewart's daughter?

[About the line up]

Jessica: [not taking her eyes off him] Number four... uh, I'm concerned for... because he has a haunted look that... is chilling me to the bone...

Simon: And after all that... oh, it's a tie, rendering this whole thing completely pointless!

21x02

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guest captain Noel Fielding and guests Katy Brand, Jermaine Jackson, David Cross, and Ryan Jarman

Simon: By the way, David Cross is a big American star. (to David) We were worried you wouldn't know what the hell anyone is talking about, I've written out some pop facts for you (hands David some cards) just so you can use them and if you need them at any point, then they're there.

David: Okay... (reading from a card) "Mis-Teeq's Sabrina has the middle name Frederica!" (to the audience) It's true! It's really true!

David: You know what? This is kind of weird... (reading from a card) "Kavarna thinks that Italy is the most romantic country in the world, and he would love to live there one day!" People are weird.

Simon: (whispers to David) Kavana.

David: Kavana is what... (audience laughter and applause) Kavana is what he refers to himself... in public... but those who truly know him, like myself...

(After Noel's team's Intros round, where Ryan has failed to get either Intro correct)

Simon: Don't worry, Ryan, it's alright. You look a bit upset. Don't worry about it.

David: Here, read that to yourself. (hands Ryan one of his cards)

Ryan: (reading from the card) "Sinéad from B*Witched says the most nervewracking thing she's ever done is sit a piano exam."

Simon: Do you feel better now?

Ryan: ...I do actually.

(During Phill's team's Intros round)

Katy: I'm just bracing myself.

Phill: You comfy?

Katy: Yep.

Phill: Strap in.

Katy: I'm strapped in. Take me to musical heaven, Phill Jupitus! (audience laughter) Oh my God, I can't believe I've just said that!

Phill: Musical heaven I can't do, but I do know a Travelodge on the A127...

Simon: [sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.

21x04

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guest captain Noel Fielding and guests Bobby Davro, Roy Stride, Richard Fleeshman, Kristen Schaal

Simon: The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)

Noel: Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.

Kristen: And I'm gonna watch!

Noel: I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...

Simon: Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!

Noel: Cream soda this time.

Simon: And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!

Noel: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!

Simon: With a pair of scissors made of glitter?

Noel: (matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

Simon: "I think I'd better leave right now..."

Richard: "...before I fall any deeper."

Simon: Correct, Will Young. I prefer the, uh, Fleeshman version.

Richard: If you must know, I did Evergreen. Do your research! Lamarr would've done it. (audience laughter, applause and cheering. Simon laughs. The time-up sting plays.)

Simon: Lamarr wouldn't have done any more research than I did!

Simon: Right! (to Noel's team) You've got sixteen points. (to Phill's team) You've got five points, you need eleven to win.

Phil: How many cards are there? Count them now.

Simon: (counts cards) ...nine.

Phil: Right...

21x06

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Vic Reeves, Mark Ronson, Matt Bowman, Myleene Klass

Simon: Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.

Mark: I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.

Bill: Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!

Simon: If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?

Mark: I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...

Simon: Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?

Mark: "Here's your album, call me next year." No.

Simon: I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!

Phill: (to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!

Bill: (to camera) Come back to us, Amy!

Phill: (to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)

Bill: (to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!

Bill: (to Matt) Have you ever made any unreasonable demands?

Matt: We used to have a massive rider, it was huge, and then we got a bill for it. So yeah, uh, subsequent riders were kinda like... just...

Bill: Tone it down a bit?

Myleene: Tap water...

Matt: Yeah, like non-branded lagers, four only... and, like... fruit...

Bill: (laughs) "Fruit"? That's not a rider, that's not very rock-and-roll! A rider's supposed to be like, you're supposed to go mental, have a swan carved out of ice, with baked beans on it and a Nissan Micra and a lifetime subscription to the Times Literary Supplement, not fruit!

(following a clip of the "comedy wall" on Hear'Say It's Saturday)

Phill: I haven't felt this angry about a wall since Berlin!

Bill: What I love actually, I love this, I found out about The Spice Girls, they offered the fans via their website the chance they would play in any city in the world, and there was a massive internet campaign saying "Baghdad"! And in the end, they went, they just ignored it and went "Oh, you meant Toronto? Yes we'll go there!"

Myleene: (reading from cue card) I hear that Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

Simon: (looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday comedy wall) So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!

(Simon closes the window, only to reopen it)

Simon: Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.

Simon: (reading from cue card) He's not sure what he should... he's not what... what is it? He's not sure what he should do...

Matt: It's English, Simon, just read it!

21x07

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Matthew Horne, Kate Nash, Antony Costa, Martin Freeman

(In "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", Bill's team are asked what injured Paul McCartney. A still from Ever Present Past is on the screen behind Simon)

Bill: A-dee-di-dee-di-dee... That's just, what the hell is he doing? It's like a Variety Club choreographer... What the hell? ...Dohhhhh!

Martin: Don't you like it?

Bill: Yeah it's alright. (audience laughter)

Martin: I don't see the problem. Not only do I think it's the best record he's made, I think it's the best record that's ever been made! You're not gonna get me to knock McCartney, mate!

Bill: How many records have you heard in your life?

Martin: Eight! And this is the best of eight.

Simon: Antony, it is lovely to have you here.

Antony: Thanks, Si.

Simon: I'm a big fan of Blue.

Antony: No, you're not. (audience laughter)

Simon: I tried my best, I had a good go there!

Antony: We was scared of you when we was in the band.

Simon: Really?

Antony: Yeah, you used to take the mick proper.

Simon: I didn't try to take the piss out of Blue, you just came on and said very stupid things... (audience laughter) ...I was mainly reacting. You of course, like Paul McCartney, were part of a supergroup... What would you say were the main differences between The Beatles and Blue?

Antony: They could sing! They were talented, we weren't!

Simon: Of course, The Beatles played and wrote their own music, but Blue didn't bother with such gimmicks.

Antony: No, we wrote our own stuff!

Simon: Go on, which bits did you write?

Antony: "And". (audience laughter) "The".

Bill: All the little words.

Antony: Nah, we wrote our own stuff, if you look at our albums, we did.

Simon: Yeah, but that's, come on... (audience laughter) Come on.

Matthew: Simon, this is awful, you're evil!

Simon: I'm not evil!

Matthew: This is supposed to be the new positive approach!

Bill: (to Antony) If you were Sting he wouldn't do that...

Simon: We couldn't get Sting...

Bill: That's what I mean!

Simon: We couldn't even get Lee! (audience laughter) I think tonight it would be good to sort of set the record straight on Antony's part in the band, because it was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talents, Duncan was quite good looking, and Antony had a PlayStation... You're my favourite.

Antony: No I'm not!

Simon: No, I don't think I liked any of you!

21x11

With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus

With guests Chris O'Dowd, Joe Goddard, Dev Hynes, James Nesbitt

[After watching 50cent's video clip]

Phill: Why do they always have to sit on their cars?

Chris: I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.

[After teasing Chris O'Dowd about proposing his girlfriend live on tv show]

Chris: Have you met my girlfriend?

Simon: Is she nice?

Chris: You would remember her.

Simon: Oh really? Is she quite a looker?

Bill: She's..18-foot..high..

Chris: She's got these crazy eyes.

Phill: 9 of 'em.

Chris: Oh this is the right time to ask.

[About Billy Bragg]

Bill: Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?

Simon: Guitars for people in jail.

Bill: Musical instruments..-

Phill: Banjos for paedos.

Bill: Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!

[About James Nesbitt Murphy's Law scene where he cuts a child's hair badly & had to look for a hairdresser in the Yellow Pages]

Simon: Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]

[Laughter]

Simon: Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.

James: They're still very very good to me.

Simon: I still use one, I've got one.

James: You still use the Yellow Pages?

Chris: Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.

[About Billy Bragg & The Manic Street Preachers]

Simon: They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?

James: Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....

Simon: James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.

James: Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]

Simon: [pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.

Series 22

22x01

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Mark Ronson (Guest captain), Adele, Tim Minchin, Jamie Reynolds, Ralf Little.

[Simon talking to Jamie Reynolds]

Simon: I'm a big fan of The Klaxons,of course.

Jamie: Thank you very much.

Simon: There's you, you're Jamie from The Klaxons.

Jamie: I'm Jamie, yes.

Simon: There's also James from The Klaxons.

Jamie: Yes. He's better-looking than me isn't he?

Simon: Quite hot, hot.

Jamie: I know. [whispers] That's why I got him in. [laughs]

[Laughter]

Simon: Do you um.. do people ever get confused & booked you, for a tv show, thinking it's him?

[Louder laughter & applause from the audience]

Jamie: Now.. [waits for audience to stop] I don't mean to be funny but I think it happens for us whether or not I'm sitting quite close to this man here [points at Phil]

Phil: No, I wanted the big,lumpy one. [points at Jamie]

[About Kylie Minogue's dramatic delay at her Brighton gig in 2007 question]

Mark: And then what was this.. what was C?

Simon: C is uh.. organizers couldn't find a good spoon for her soup.

Mark: ..spoon for her soup.. and then what was the question?

[About Kylie Minogue]

Tim: Does anyone know her? Has anyone met her? [looks at Mark Ronson] You're a rockstar.. Or whatever.

22x02

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Stephen Fry (Guest captain), Dominic Cooper, Frankie Sandford, Josie Long and Matt Shultz.

[Simon talks about Dominic Cooper during the Singing Intros round]

Simon: He's got sex in his eyes but has he got song titles in his mouth?

Frankie: I feel like I'm at school today, I've learned a lot of knowledge.

Simon: Well then, it's about time.

(During the Next Lines round)

Simon: (After Frankie incorrectly answered her own lyrics) "You think I'm crazy, I'm not I'm your baby", dance dance dance, money money money! [Puts down the card] Mamma Mia.

Dominic: Here I go again.

Simon: No, I was looking for "Does it show again?". Mamma Mia.

Phill: Does it show again?

Simon: No, it was "Now I really know." Mamma Mia.

Phill: Here I go again?

Simon: No, it was "Even if I say". Mamma Mia.

Phill: Here I go again?

Simon: No, it was "Does it show again?" again.

22x03

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Bob Mortimer (Guest captain), Kelly Rowland, Jack Osbourne, Nick Grimshaw and David O'Doherty.

[After watching Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body' Video with pixilation around Mariah's body]

Phill: [to Kelly] What do you think it is then?

Nick: I'm hoping it's horrific burns.

[Simon talks to Kelly]

Simon: My favourite member of the Destiny's Child, of course.

Kelly: Well thank you very much.

Simon: No problem. I thought you'd maybe defend the others but you're just sort of..

Kelly: No, I like to be the favourite! Why not?

Simon: Yeah, I don't want to put down the other two.

Kelly: No, I love them to death.

Simon: I love Michelle and the other one.. I love 'em.

[Phill & Kelly stands up for the Singing Intros round]

Simon: My goodness, you're looking very.. very nipply, Kelly.

[Laughter]

Simon: Nothing wrong with nipples! Stop judging the nipples!

[Phill & Kelly sings the next song]

Simon: [exhales] Oh god, this is boring.

Kelly: IT IS A SONG, NO ONE KNOWS. [about Nick] He doesn't know it! [To Phill] Did you know it?

Phill: [prentends to be a black woman] Naw I din't! I'm with herr! You come on here with yo jive-ass ssongs.. Woo!

[Kelly & audience laughs]

[During the What Person Goes With What Thing? round]

Simon: Your stars are; Meatloaf. Who's uh.. wig didn't come today.

[When Kelly finds it odd that one of the 'stars' collect bears]

Kelly: Get outta here! Bears??

Simon: People collect bears. Why are you saying Bears? rather than Legs??

22x04

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Johnny Vegas (Guest captain), Harry Judd, Kate Jackson, Danny Dyer and Rhys Darby.

Simon: There is bad news. The ratings are not as high as we would like them to be, it's pretty serious, the team and I have had a long chat about it, and you know what? We're not going to pull any contrived, attention-grabbing stunts to boost the ratings tonight. No! We are sticking to the same award-winning quiz format that we all know and love. Right people? [Audience replies, "Yeah!"] OK. By the way, Phill, did you move that leaking gas canister away from the naked flame under your desk?

Phill: No, but I'm sure it'll be alright Simon.

Simon: Good, OK, I'm sure it won't go off, not when the cameras are rolling.

[During the intros round]

Simon: By the way, Phill, want happened to the Eastern European Loansharks you were having trouble with? Are they still on your back?

Phill: Oh no, they're all sorted out Simon, they shouldn't be any trouble at all.

Simon: Oh good good. I'm sure they won't bother you any time soon, certainly not during a televised show record.

Phill: I imagine not.

[During "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"]

Simon: I just thought Phill. Did anyone ... um ... sort out that massive anvil hanging above your head?

Phill: Actually they didn't, no, which seems a bit foolish because it is now hanging by one thread...

Simon: Oh. But it's been up there for all these years, it's not going to fall down now, not in the middle of this show.

Phill: It wouldn't fall down, no.

Simon: This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks and do join us -

[Simon is interupted with an "Oi! Phill! Where's our money!" Two men carrying bats walk across the studio. The anvil falls down and the gas explodes.]

Simon: Oh no! [Runs across to Phill, who is lying on the floor unconcious] Phill! Phill! Don't leave Phill! [Looks up to the ceiling] WHY?

[End credits roll]

Simon: [voiceover] Well, after the triple drama of the Eastern Europian Loansharks, gas explosion and falling anvil, will Phill survive? Tune in to Never Mind the Buzzcocks next week at 9pm on BBC2 to find out. Oh, go on. Please!

22x06

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests James Corden (Guest captain), Germaine Greer, Glenn Wool, Gabriella Climi and James Allen.

Simon: Thanks, hi! Hello, and welcome to the show! Well, look. We're almost halfway through the run, and the data has just come back from our market and research team. The word is this series is only slightly worse than the last one! What about that, people! [applause] Only slightly worse! Good news! But to avoid further decline, because there could be further decline, we've had Britain's finest minds working through the night to come up with a solid rescue plan, and here it is.

[The screen behind Simon flashes the message: "LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS - SLIGHTLY." The people laugh at that.]

Simon: That should do it, right?

[during Identity Parade]

James: 2 looks like he's going to kill me! I haven't even said anything! What's wrong?

Simon: I think he thinks you dissed public transport!

[during Identity Parade]

Gabriella: It could be number 7, I don't know.

Phill: What? You think it might be number 7?!

Simon: Why did you leave Australia, Germaine?

22x07

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Jack Dee (Guest captain), Alexei Sayle, Lisa Maffia,Stine Bramwell and Anna Richardson

[About The Ting Tings album]

Lisa: If it was anything like So Solid, we've got banned for abs- for absolutely.. OK, yeah we did do bad themes but..y'know-

Phill: When you said 'we', which one of the nine hundred..and twenty members of So Solid Crew?

Lisa: No, we was banned from playing certain shows..in certain places..

Phill: You said So Solid was banned from this very building earlier. How did you get in..-

Lisa: Oh yeahh! On Top of The Pops days 'cos they were smoking the good stuff.

Simon: Or as we call here at the BBC; the illegal stuff.

Simon: We're all just gonna have a nice pop quiz tonight. There's a question... what's the answer?

[About Lisa Maffia being the winner of CelebAir]

Phill: Was it like, 'Would you like some nuts, madam?' 'No thanks', (making his right hand as a gun) 'I SAID D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!? D'YOU SOME NUTS!? BITCH! D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!?'

Lisa: No, it was more like, it was more like (loud and high pitched) "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?"

Phil: So you've been on Ryanair...

Alexei: You can't intimidate a heckler in a bunny suit. Try it; You're shit! Get off!

Simon: [high-pitched voice] I'm a rabbit!

Alexei: I don't care! You're still shit, and you're a shit rabbit!

Simon: [high-pitched voice] Stop saying shit!

Alexei: See? you can't intimidate me, can you?

Simon: [high-pitched voice] No...

Simon: Now that song that you've got, 'Boyfriend', it was inspired by a film about two lesbians?

Stine: That's true,yeah.

Simon: I assume that the film was about them feeling ashamed of what they've done and that they'll never do it again?

Stine: [giggles] Obviously,yes,yes.

Simon: Good,good. And you're not a lesbian yourself, are you?

Stine: Umm no. Did you think so?

Simon: Phew. Well I was concerned.

Stine: Concerned?

Simon: We can't have lesbians on the show.

Stine: Really? [laughs]

Simon: Oh good. You're not a uh.. [to audience] Are there any lesbians in the audience?

Female audience member: Yes!

Simon: Oh then you better leave! [points to the exit] Not tonight. We need a lesbian-free show. I don't even want a small one.. [laughs/snorts] Ah Jack Dee?

Jack: I'm not a lesbian,no.

[About Anna Richardson's Sex Education show]

Simon: Tell us about that, what was in it, what did you find out, what did you discover?

Anna: I think the most shocking revelation was that most teenagers have absolutely no idea basically about STIs.

Jack: When I was a teenager, I had no idea about STIs. ..My god, I do now.

[Still on about Anna Richardson's Sex Education show]

Simon: Does this.. sort of thing need to be in our living rooms? Does it? Really..?

Anna: Can you tell me what the #1 STI is, Simon?

Simon: Umm..

Anna: Have you been checked?

Simon: Have I been checked?

Anna: Yeah.

Simon: As an employee of the BBC... (laughter) There is no need for me to be checked because I've never..had sex.

Anna: To be honest, in that outfit, I can see why. (Simon is wearing a bunny suit)

Simon: If this doesn't get me laid then I don't know what will. I'm adorable!

[About Lisa Maffia being the winner of CelebAir]

Simon: Do you feel closer now to the So Solid Crew or the cabin crew?

[During the Singing Intros round]

Stine: I honestly have no clue how to do that one.

Jack: It's great having you on the team.

Simon: Stine, I'm so warm.

Stine: Are you? [laughs] Well get out of your..weird bunny suit then.

Simon: Why don't you get out of your weird bunny suit?

Stine: But I'm not wearing a bunny suit.

Simon: Your mum's a bunny suit.

Simon: Would you do other shows than this.. what about CelebArmy?

Lisa: Only if I could kick arse.

Simon: That would be nice, wouldn't it? You'd go to Afghanistan with Chico.

Lisa: Yeap yeah!

Simon: What time is it? It's War Time.

[About Jack Dee's team line-up (Kylie Minogue,Dave Grohl, John Lennon and Sting]

Anna: Kylie's looking quite hot for me. What do you think, Jack?

Stine: Yeah definitely.

Simon: NOO! Not lesbianism!

Jack: Doesn't have to be lesbianism.

[Awkward silence from everyone then laughter]

Jack: [rolls his eyes]

Simon: People just didn't like the idea of you having sex there. Now why's that?

Jack: Um..-

Simon: Are you a grumpy lover?

Jack: Yeah must be. OK then. Well, [grumpily] 'I hope you liked it'.

Jack: [trying to solve the line-up question then looks at Anna]

Anna: Don't blame it on me if it's wrong.

Simon: Don't pick up anything from Anna.

22x08

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Davina McCall (Guest captain), Kelly Jones, Mitch Hewer and Alesha Dixon.

[During Next Lines round]

Simon: Does he wash up?

Alesha: Never wash up.

Simon: Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he clean up?

Alesha: No, he never cleans up.

Simon: Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he brush up?

Alesha: Never brushed up.

Simon: Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing".

22x10

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Dermot O'Leary (Guest captain), Dappy, Robert Webb, Arlene Phillips and Keith Murray.

Simon: Before we start, I'd like to address something. Like all of you, I am deeply upset and probably traumatized by the bad language infecting television today. And I can't sit here any longer and let this potty mouth culture contaminate the nation. There was a time when we didn't rely on disgusting and offensive language. For example...[pulls out his kitten, Toby, to the amusement of the audience]...take this innocent...[pauses to let the crowd laugh]...yeah. Take this innocent, and naive kitten. He's called Toby. He's only 10 weeks old, and he likes being tickled on the tummy. [tickles kitten] Just like that. And if any of our guests swear tonight, I am going to have murder Toby! [lets crowd laugh while he places Toby under the desk while Phill makes a face] It's for the best. And firmly biting his tongue for the good of the nation tonight, it's our guest captain, ITV filth monger, Dermot O'Leary! [applause]

Simon: Those are the teams, by Jove I've just defecated in my trousers.

[After having just watched a clip of Arlene judging on Strictly Come Dancing]

Simon: What are you talking about? Do you do it all in that funny voice just to wind up the contestants?

Arlene: I've got a minute and a half to think of what I'm going to say, and then it all just comes burbling out.

Simon: It's wonderful.

Arlene: Just.. anything that I read in the newspaper that morning that might have--

Simon: It's nice that you keep it topical. "Your dancing was like terrorism."

Simon: You were famously very mean to that John Sergeant fellow recently.

Arlene: No, not as mean as I was made out to be.

Simon: You called him... a dancing pig?

Arlene: No, I didn't!

Simon: You called him a steaming turdface.

Arlene: No! Not that either.

Simon: You said "We should cut his arms and legs off and put him in a box."

Simon: Keith, what do you prefer, Strictly Come Dancing or the X Factor? Do you prefer the one where the mentally ill people get to sing, or the one where the mentally ill people get to judge?

Keith: I haven't the foggiest idea what any of you are talking about.

Dermot: You don't know about the X-Factor? That's the show I do!

Keith: Demort, I assure you...big fan!

[Dermot raises his arm triumphantly]

Simon: [to Arlene] You look like you could run a good whorehouse.

Simon: The new Guns 'N' Roses album is so much more exciting because we had to wait sixteen suspense-filled years for its eventual release. And it's for that reason that I'm not going to listen to the new N-Dubz album until 3012.

Dappy: You know, everything you say to me, it seems like it's very sarcastic.

Simon: What? What do you..? No!

Dappy: Am I right, D, am I right? Tell me the truth.

Dermot: He has... elements of sarcasm about him, but I believe, when he's congratulating you about the MoBo and the gold disc, he actually means it.

Simon: I mean it. Yeah.

Dappy: Thank you, Simon. Thank you.

Simon: One day I'll get good at that sincerity, and then I'll get the big money.

Simon: You had an interview in the Times recently, an interview in the Times. You mentioned your time on Buzzcocks.

Dappy: Yeah, see? See?

Simon: Dappy said.. this is very exciting, Dappy said, "If I was to see Simon by himself, I would spank him on the bottom." [produces a paddle from under the desk] I've got this paddle, if you want to...

[Having shown a clip from the music video for the N-Dubz song "Ouch"]

Simon: What does she mean by "My name is Shaniqua and what"?

Dappy: "My name is Shaniqua and what"... basically...

Simon: "My name is Shaniqua, and do you have any other questions?".

Dappy: Basically, yeah. "And what.. what are you going to do about it?"

Dermot: Is she the one who's been sleeping with that dude there? Who's the other one?

Dappy: His girlfriend's the one who's walking up the stairs.

Robert: Are any of these people married!?

Simon: Next up is the recently-knighted Sir Intros Round OBE.

[After an intro has been guessed]

Simon: This old heart of mine. And this old heart of mine would like to say to you: I enjoyed you guessing the intro, and in the words of Tom Jones, it's not unusual for me to continue saying words when the sentence has surely finished.

Arlene: Basically, my daughter said to me, "You're not going to guess one of them, Mum, so don't go on the show." I think she might have been right.

Keith: But you lived up to your child's expectations, and that's always a good thing.

Simon: Morrissy recently quashed unfounded accusations of bigotry, when he donated twenty-eight thousand pounds to Love Music Hate Racism. Although he did ask that most of it go towards the "loving music" bit.

[During the Identity Parade]

Robert: I want to say One, because he has a kind face.

Dermot: I think they all have kind faces.

Robert: I think One's the kindest. He's my favourite of the kindness.

Simon: Robert Webb, are you having a fun time on the show?

Robert: Yes, I speak when I'm spoken to.

[after Arlene has sworn and Simon has done his "kill the cat" routine]

Simon: How could you, Arlene?

[after much bickering about whether Strictly Come Dancing or The X-Factor is the better show of the two]

Simon: We must remember that neither one of them are doing anything good for the world.

22x11

With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus

With guests Omid Djalili (Guest captain), Josh Groban, Martin Freeman, Heston Blumenthal and Grant Nicholas.

Simon: Those are the teams, now clap your disappointment away.

Simon: Katy Perry also recorded the song: 'You're so gay'. It sounds homophobic, but of course, she's using the other, fashionable, version of the word, meaning "anything generally bad". And anyone who thinks that sounds offensive should just Jew off and just stop being so bloody black about it.

Phill: Heston, do you listen to much contemporary pop music?

Simon: Or do you eat it?

Series 23

23x01

With guest host James Corden and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

With guests Janeane Garofalo, Tom Clarke, Paloma Faith, and Ben Miller

James: Hello, and welcome to a brand new series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm James Corden, I'm your host this week, and we welcome back our new permanent team captain, Mr. Noel Fielding! [applause] Now I know what you're all thinking. This is the show where you come on and you get mocked by a cruel host. Well, look; not anymore. Okay? Not on my watch. I mean, you can be short, or fat, or old, or weird, or American, or...[looks at Paloma]...uh, don't know what that is!

James: Those are our teams. Let's clap and make a pop quiz!

[after Paloma has sang an excerpt of her song Stone Cold Sober upon James' request]

Noel: I'm slighty in love with Paloma!

Phill: Noel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!

Noel: I'm thinking that for the first sort of gift on a date it'd have to be a rainbow. I'd have to give your section of a rainbow.

[Paloma gasps dreamily]

James: Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!

Paloma: But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!

James: They don't believe in what?

Noel: We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!

Paloma: It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...

James: I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!

[Everybody laughs and applauds again]

James: Janeane, I imagine you're a big fan of Blue?

Janeane: I like their early stuff.

[during a game of Next Lines]

James: One for the money and the free rides...

Phill: ...two for the go-karts and the windmills!

[during a game of Next Lines]

James: Last year, I'm so 3008...

Noel: ...come in and shut the garden gate!

[during a game of Next Lines]

James: They call me her. They call me Jane...

Phill: ...they call me Trixie! They call me Penny! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!

James: At the end of that, Noel's team have 8. Phill's team, you've got 3.

[Paloma starts making a "come here" gesture]

James: You've also got Paloma.

Paloma: I'll enjoy this, no matter what happens.

James: You bet you are!

Noel: Paloma, I love your outfit. It's one ot the best I've ever seen.

Paloma: Thank you very much.

Noel: You look like a children's bullfighter!

[Everybody laughed while James laughed even more hysterically]

James: So here we are. I've got my fact sheet on Paloma. Paloma is a prolific do-gooder. She once put a pair of Kylie Minogue tickets in her local records shop in the hope that they would find a good home. [the audience awws and applauds as Paloma blows a kiss] They were used tickets! Old tickets!

Paloma: That's not true!

Ben: And then she told everybody about it!

Paloma: I didn't! I told one journalist!

[Everybody cracks up while James laughs even more hysterically]

23x02

With guest host Rhod Gilbert and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

With guests Greg Davies, Martin Kemp, Jeremy Reynolds (Hockey), and Gabby Logan

Rhod: Hello, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks! I am Rhod Gilbert, Wales' answer to the question "Oi, Wales, who's that comedian of yours - no, not Rob Brydon - the other one who keeps trying to convince us to visit your shitty country?"

(During Woop Woop, That's The Sound Of Da Police, Noel's team's question is how a bald head got Marilyn Manson into trouble)

Greg: Last time I went home to visit my mum, for some strange reason we ended up watching a Marilyn Manson video together, and at the end of it after hed been screaming with his wonky eye and stuff and it sort of faded out, there was just this awkward silence, and she turned to me and went... (tuts) "what a wally!"

Rhod: Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!

Gabby: (laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.

Rhod: Is that where you met your husband?

Gabby: No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?

Noel: Pretty much.

Rhod: I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!

Gabby: Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.

Rhod: When did you break the news to him?

Gabby: Within minutes.

Rhod: Of...? (audience laughter and applause)

Jeremy: I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...

Rhod: Stuck his what?

Jeremy: Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...

Phill: Yeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!

(During Woop Woop, That's The Sound Of Da Police, Phill's team's question is how a wallaroo and a goat got Vanilla Ice into trouble)

Phill: Excuse me?

Rhod: A wallaroo and a goat...

Phill: Is that some mythical Welsh creature?

Rhod: I've got no idea, I'm guessing.

Phill: WHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?

Rhod: I don't know, it doesn't say...

Martin: How did it get him in trouble then?

Rhod: Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!

Martin: Well, that's no good, is it?

Greg: I feel sorry for poor old Vanilla, he always pops up for people to take the mickey out of...

Martin: Because he was rubbish!

Greg: He's not, he's the only popular artist in history whose head is exactly the same width as his neck.

Rhod: It looks like somebody gave a Pez machine a haircut, doesn't he!

Greg: I thought he was great.

Rhod: Really?

Greg: No! And also, you know he did some brilliant threats, Vanilla Ice, like lots of modern day rappers actually threaten to cut you and stuff, he just sort of threatened to cook for you, didn't he. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin', cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

Rhod: Vanilla Ice appeared on the reality show The Farm in 2003. When asked why he agreed to do the show he said "well, I looked at my diary and saw there was a gap between June 1992 and my passing unnoticed into a crematorium oven." Vanilla Ice found fame difficult. We can relate to that - one minute you're a star on one of Britain's best loved soaps, the next you're sitting on a panel show with a teammate who looks like the bloated corpse of Rik Mayall!

(During Phill's team's Intros round, Greg is stuck on a song)

Rhod: A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.

Greg: I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?

Rhod: No, close...

Greg: Ears...

Rhod: Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?

Greg: What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.

Rhod: Yes there is!

Greg: Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)

Gabby: Elbow joints, elbow joints...

Greg: I can do, look, hands, arms...

Rhod: Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.

Phill: This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?

Greg: Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)

Rhod: Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?

Greg: This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!

Rhod: Okay, I'm handing it over...

Gabby: I think it's Elbow.

Rhod: It is Elbow...

Greg: (incredulously) What!?

Noel: And you thought Gabby was retarded!

Phill: Title of the track?

Rhod: Just name an Elbow song.

Noel: We don't know an Elbow song!

Rhod: It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...

(The intro to "One Day Like This" by Elbow plays in. Phill slowly raises his arms with his glasses in his hands above his head.)

23x09

With guest host David Walliams and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

David: Noel, is there anything you banned from the Boosh tour? Jokes?

Noel: Catchphrases.

23x10

With guest host Dermot O'Leary and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

With guests Russell Tovey, Michael Ball, Aston Merrygold (JLS) and David O'Doherty

With special guest voiceover Peter Dickson

Dermot: David, can we talk about your panda book, which contains 100 completely made-up facts about pandas. Were they all made up?

David: Well you be the judge. If a panda gets struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white, and they're known as negative pandas, but if it gets struck by lightning a second time it reverts back to its original colours and is called a double-negative panda, or just a panda.

Noel: That's true!

Dermot: Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...

Phill: Was a panda!

Dermot: Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)

Aston: What, me?

Dermot: No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...

Aston: Noo...

Dermot: Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!

Aston: No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...

Dermot: And lots and lots of girls...

Noel: And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.

Dermot: Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman around Central Park in New York.

Russell: Yeah, when I lived up in Upper West Side, he lived in this building called the San Reno, which is kinda rock-and-roll. I came out, and he was coming out of the San Reno building, and I kinda went over and I just said "Hey I saw the show last night". He said "What show's that?" I said "The History Boys", he said "Oh yeah, you had a funny line in it, you were the funniest guy in it", I said "Thank you very much!" And then we kind of went, like, running for a bit...

Dermot: Hang on a minute, how did that happen?

Russell: He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park...

Dermot: Did you run after him? You were stalking him, and he went "oh, erm, look..."

Russell: Yeah, just hung outside!

Phill: Did you dress up as a dentist and just follow him, going "is it safe? Is it safe?" (makes a noise like a dentists drill)

Dermot: Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...

Michael: Phill is doing it!

Phill: Yep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)

Noel: I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!

Phill: I make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!

(at the start of Phill's Intros round)

Dermot: Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?

Michael: Smoulder?

Dermot: Yep. In three, two, one...

Peter: PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!

(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)

Dermot: Now you can begin.

Noel: You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!

(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)

Phill: (bad Irish accent) Which one am I?

Michael: (bad Irish accent) The other one!

David: (to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!

23x12

With guest host David Tennant and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

With guests Bernard Cribbins, Catherine Tate, Jamie Cullum and Jo Whiley

With special guest voiceover Peter Dickson

(during the Next Lines round)

David: Knock Knock

Bernard: Who's there?

David: Doctor

Bernard: Doctor Who?

David: Correct!

Series 24

24x04

With guest host Terry Wogan and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus

With guests James Blunt, Rufus Hound, Imelda May and Edith Bowman

Terry: Hello, and welcome, to what they call a show. Now, I know you're wondering why I'm here. I could've been on Strictly Come Dancing. I could've been on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, but I wanted to put myself through the most debasing and degenerating show of them all. [Laughter.] Let's play Never Mind the Buzzcocks! [Laughter and applause.]

Terry: In 2008, Snoop's tour bus was raided and police found strippers, marijuana, and booze. Reminds me of the old Radio 2 Roadshow down... (audience laughter) to Cirencester. Let's just say that nobody was in bed before 9 o'clock.

(Phill and James do their first intro - "Fools Gold")

Rufus: You know something, I know who it is, I clearly know the song and I don't know the name of this Stone Roses classic, and everyone in Manchester is like (in a Mancunian accent with appropriate hand gestures) "What a fuckin' wanker! That's why we should 'ave 'im on the telly up 'ere, so then it makes EastEnders look like fuckin' Shameless!" (in his normal voice, rolling his eyes, sneering at the camera) Well that would be good for a week. Er... Oh, "Fools Gold", no? "Fools Gold"!

Terry: Do you know? You're absolutely right! (audience applause) Here is how it should have sounded. (Fools Gold plays in)

Noel: You got that right, but you can never gig up north again!

Rufus: (makes a mocking crying gesture to camera) There's a group of people looking at me going (in a Mancunian accent) "But 'e's not talkin' about things at the end of my road!" (in his normal voice) If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay, he's brilliant at remembering!

(During the Intros round, James had to ride Phill to get Rufus to successfully guess "Baba O'Riley")

Terry: Well this, this is the only program that combines pop music and the "Horse of the Year" show.

Terry: Pete Townshend suffers from tinnitus, an annoying montonous buzzing, sounds as if it's coming from the base of your skull. You want to know what that sounds like, tune in to Chris Evans on Radio 2. (wild laughter and applause)

Terry: Last year, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown was wounded by an on-stage attack. Louis Walsh had told him (as Louis Walsh) "The song choice was all wrong and you just didn't own it!"

...

Noel: Don't think I'm ever going to get that image of you doing Louis Walsh out of my head.

(Noel and Imelda prepare for their Intros round.)

Noel: You don't have to ride me like a greyhound, it's fine.

Imelda: I'll sing your bit, then we stop it. We go (does a few notes)...

Noel: That's like when you give a really small child a simple task. "You can't cook dinner with me, but if you hold this wooden spoon..." (imitates a child holding it, mouth wide open) "...then we can say we cooked it together." (imitates the child again)

[after Edith has failed to guess the song "Young Turks"

Terry: Oh, Edith, Edith. Dave Lee Travis would have known the answer.

Edith: Yes, but he's a hundred and five!

(Noel and Imelda are doing "Ziggy Stardust" in the Intros round.)

Imelda: Oh, you know this.

Edith: I know, I know, I know, I know, I just can't say the words!

(Noel and Imelda repeat the intro over and over. By the second time, Phill, James and Rufus have joined in, by the third, Terry joined in, and at the fourth, Rufus leads the audience in.)

Rufus: I tell you something, Terry, they didn't use to get audience participation when Amstell was the chair. He hated people.

Terry: After this show, I'm not that keen on them myself!

...

Terry: Well, that was David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust. After a difficult interview I came close to slapping David Bowie. I can't tell you exactly what I thought of him but I almost blanked him in the blankety-blank the totally blankety-blanker!

(In Identity Parade, Noel's team have to identify Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz. The lineup are all wearing joke glasses with fake noses and moustaches)

Terry: That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up;, so Noel's team, which of our lineup is the singer Cheryl Baker? Is it number one, Making Your Mind Up? Or number two, I've Made Me Mind Up? Number three, I Definitely Know Who It Is? Number four, I'm Having Second Thoughts? Or number five, Oh No It's Number Two? (Number two - the real Cheryl Baker - laughs)

Edith: Did you see? Two's laughing, it's number two, she's laughing.

Rufus: What do you mean "it's number two, she's laughing"? You mean the one who looks like exactly like Cheryl Baker!?

Noel: Look, you can't see what we can see, it's like transsexual Frank Zappas, it's terrifying!

Phill: People that haven't got HDTV look at the whole lineup and think The Nolans are back together.

Terry: They are! (Phill laughs)

Imelda: I think it's number two...

Rufus: (shouting) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER TWO!? IT'S NUMBER TWO! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL BAKER, THAT IN HIS INTRODUCTION TERRY SAID IT WAS!

Terry: Okay let's find out...

Noel: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec Terry! Easy!

Terry: For God's sake...

Edith: You know, we wanna make sure...

Noel: I've got the authority of a seven year old girl! This is ridiculous! Edith's useless, (to Imelda) you're dressed as a ladybird, (to Terry) it's number two!

Terry: Number two... Will the real Cheryl Baker please step forward? (Cheryl Baker - number two - steps forward and takes off her fake glasses to cheers and applause) It's number two! Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl.

(during a playing of Next Lines)

Terry: "Ziggy play guitar..."

Edith: Oh not again! (laughter)

Phill: (as David Bowie) It's "jamming good with Weird and Gilly".

Terry: You got it right, Edith! My goodness. Fantastic. It was "jamming good with Weird and Gilly", from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust... the loveable... chap that he is...

Phill: Was it really that bad an interview, Terry? Come on, tell us.

Terry: Yeah.

Phill: What did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you. (laughter)

Terry: (to Phill) Sometimes you want to know a little bit too much. (Phill laughs) "He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."

Phil: (as Bowie) I don't know this one! (laughter)

Imelda: "...'cause he's my big, bad, handsome man."

Terry: Yeah, of course. That's one of yours, Imelda.

...

Terry: "You're answering questions that have not yet been asked..."

Noel: (as Bowie) ...it was a shit interview, Terry! (laughter) Afterwards, you called me a prick! (laughter and applause as the end-of-round jingle plays)

Terry: This has been "Never Mind The Boo Radleys". I used to be Terry Wogan. Good night.

External links

Encyclopedic article on Never Mind the Buzzcocks on Wikipedia
Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes at the Internet Movie Database