Rusty: [the Family Truckster drives up] Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Car Salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?
Car Salesman: Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!
Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed.
Car Salesman: Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?
Davenport: I don't know sir.
Car Salesman: I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark: Ed, I'm not your average everyday fool. Now I want my blue sports wagon and if you can't get it I'm gonna take my business elsewhere! Where's my old car?
Car Salesman: I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car back and bring it back here! Now I can get you the wagon, there's not problem there. The problem is that it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster... You think you hate it now, wait 'til you drive it.
Clark: I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back. I'm not falling for this. Let's go, Russ.
[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and Clark tries to squat and open the door]
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen: Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Ellen: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Ellen: Gee Cath look's like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Clark: [looking at raw tomato paste]Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best! I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie. [to Ellen] There's no meat in this?
Ellen: You get plenty of meat at home.
Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: [pulling some 20s out of his wallet] Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
[Clark quickly begins putting the money back in his wallet]
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey: So, everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
[Audrey looks incredulously at Vicki]
Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Ellen: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus Christ, it's only the biggest goddamn hole in the world!!!
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Motel Clerk: I'm sorry sir. I can't accept this credit card. [hands Clark back his credit card]
Clark: Why not?
Motel Clerk: The computer says it's been reported lost.
Clark: Oh no. You see my wife lost her's back in Colorado, I had to report it, and the computer is probably saying I lost mine, which obviously I haven't.
Motel Clerk: Well you're going to have to straighten that out with your bank.
Clark: [takes out checkbook] Do you take personal checks?
Motel Clerk: For how much?
Clark: 300 dollars.
Motel Clerk: I can't do that sir.
Clark: Look I've lost all my cash and we're on our way to California...
Motel Clerk: [unamused] Walley World?
Clark: Yeah. Walley World. And I am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate it.
Motel Clerk: [sternly] Not without a major credit card.
Clark: I have $6.13 to my name, so I see we're going to have to work something out here.
Motel Clerk: [becoming more annoyed] Look I already told you, I can't accept a check without a major credit card.
Clark: I'm making this out for 1000 dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash, keep the other 700... all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
Motel Clerk: [glares at Clark angrily] The only thing I can do is let you stay here until the check clears; 10 working days! [a phone rings in the background, and the clerk walks off-screen to answer it. Clark bangs his fist on the desk in frustration, causing the cash register to open. After a pause, he grabs a load of money from the register, puts the check in the register, puts on a cowboy hat, and runs off]
[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]
Clark: We passed a gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ASS off! This is no way to run a desert! HA!!!!
Cowboy: What an asshole.
Clark: Okay. What do I owe you?
Assistant Mechanic: Never heard of no one so shit-all stupid as you drivin' off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. What's the bill?
[Mechanic and assistant snicker to each other]
Clark: Come on, come on, come on. How much?
Mechanic: How much you got?
Clark: No, no, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic: [threateningly] And I'm asking you how much you got.
Clark: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, okay? So how much is it?
Mechanic: [picks up a heavy wrench] All of it, boy.
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic and assistant laugh; mechanic flashes a sheriff's badge]
Clark: [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna] O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Ellen: Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best okay?
Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen: SHUT UP! Lord, we loved this woman with all our hearts. But my husband wants to go to Wally World. May God have mercy on his soul. Amen.
Clark: AMEN LET'S GO!
Ellen: Ugh! I hope at least you kids have learned something from this.
Audrey: Yeah! Don't die unless someone's home!
Clark: Y'know what I think??? I think you're all fucked in the head! We're ten hours from the fuckin' fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation...it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!! HAHAHA!!! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!!!
Rusty: [touching Clark's shoulder] Dad you want an aspirin or something?
Clark: Don't TOUCH!
Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue, it begins talking incoherently]
Ellen: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
Ellen: Clark, you're scaring me!
Lasky: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Clark: Yeah I could. It could lodge in the skin and cause a very bad infection.
Lasky: That's an old wive's tale Clark. I'm telling you. [Gets out of the rollercoaster car; Clark fires the pistol; Lasky groans in pain and sits back in the seat]
Clark: See I told you. I warned you.
Lasky: You wrecked these pants and you're paying for them!
Clark: Yeah I will pay for them. [The rollercoaster ride begins]