My Wife and Kids

American television sitcom

My Wife and Kids was a sitcom that aired on ABC, 2001–2005. It starred Damon Wayans and Tisha Campbell-Martin.


Jay (after Tiara compliments Junior's shoes): Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.
Tiara: Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.

Junior (who's about to eat raw chicken): Have you ever heard of sushi?
Michael: Have you ever heard of salmonella?
Junior: No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?

Kady:I made you some chicken noodle soup.
Michael: Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?
Kady: No, silly!
(Michael starts to eat the soup)
Kady: ...the fish tank!
(Michael then spits out the soup)
Michael: Mmm, mmm, guppy!

Michael: No asking your grandfather for money.
Junior: I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?
Michael: Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.

Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?
Michael: Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.

Jay: What does that look like to you?
Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.
Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.
Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.

Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.
Jay: I did.
Michael: When did Sony start making towels?

Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).
Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?

Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.
Claire: Really? How long will that take?

Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.
Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.

Michael: Put him [a customer] down!
Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?
Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.

Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?
Michael: Like a virgin.

Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?
Jay: Go check on the kids.

Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.

Michael: I found a gray hair.
Jay: Where? In your goatee?
Michael: Lower.
Jay: Your chest?
Michael: Warmer.
Jay: You're nuts!
Michael: Exactly. The right one.

Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.
Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?

Junior: These hands were made for love.
Michael: I know one of them is.

Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.
Tony: Yes, you are.
Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."
Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?

Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.
Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.

Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.
Jay: Which one?
Junior: The band.

Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?
Junior: It.
Claire: It?
Jay: It?
Michael: It?
Claire: That's disgusting!
Jay: That's disgusting!
Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.

Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?
Michael: Unplanned pregnancies?
(Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!
You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!
Jay: Go point your view back at the television.

Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)
Jay: That wasn't even necessary!
Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.
Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?

Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.
Jay: Thanks...I think.

Michael: (to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?
Man: Until midnight.

Hippie: (to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!
Michael: And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!

Franklin: [to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.

Jay: It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!
Michael: I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.

Jay: Junior's SAT scores just came in.
Michael: Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.

Jay: Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?
Claire: Shopping.

Michael: Son, how do you feel about sheep?
Junior: Hey, who don't like saving money?

Jay: (to Michael) If you keep this up, you're going to get to know your fingers really well.

Michael: This beef stroganoff is really saying something.
Jay: Yeah, it's saying 'I'm meatloaf!'

Claire: Junior, get your butt out of my face!
Junior: Get your face out of my butt!
Claire: I'm the one in the line of fire!
A short time later:
Michael: Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.

Kady: Which one of the Powerpuff Girls is my favorite?
Franklin: Barney?

Vanessa: Which yogurt flavor is my favorite?
Junior: Seven!

Jay: What is my dress size?
Michael: The answer to your question is, your dress size is a six...
Jay: *giggling*
Michael: ...teen!

Michael: Why does everyone think I'm the big green ogre?
Junior: Because you are.

Jay: What, you have a big-screen TV in your back pocket?
Wanda: No, but thanks for suggesting one can fit back there.

Junior: I can't concentrate on my homework.
Michael: So you have to concentrate to bring home two D's and an F.

Jay: I'm cleaning out the closet.
Michael: With what, a bomb?

Jay: Tell me that's not Brian McKnight.
Junior: That's not Brian McKnight.
Jay: Yes, it is, Junior.
Junior: Then why'd you tell me to tell you--
Jay: Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar!

Calvin: [after tasting some pudding meant to symbolize feces in a baby's soiled diaper] Mmm, it's chocolate pudding.
Instructor: Lucky for you, that's right.
  • (referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent."
  • (to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!"
  • (to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat."
  • "The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."
  • (to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat."


  • "Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"
  • "Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"
  • "I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"
  • "And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"
  • "You know I can't work a VCR."


  • "How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"
  • "This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."
  • "Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."
  • "Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"
  • "Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."
  • (to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!"
  • "'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."


  • "I don't care about no chocolate, anyway. It gives me the runs."


  • "Let's drink some of that colored water, saturated with high-fructose corn syrup, get a huge sugar rush going, and then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials sing and dance their way through a jungle festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals that will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12 and leave me twitching in a diabetic coma."

Other people

  • Grandma Kyle: "I'm going to outlive you if it kills me!"
  • Nurse: "Did something die in here?"
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