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Misfits (TV series)/Season 4

Season 1 2 3 4 5 Main

Misfits is a British black comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4 and the finale aired on 11 December 2013, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.

Episode 1

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Jess: [Sitting on bench with Finn] Don't.
Finn: What?
Jess: Make small talk. I hate small talk.
Finn: Me, too. Hate the small talkers. Like me mum. What a twat. That was probably a bit harsh. She can't help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn't had a stroke. She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! [Mimics rasping voice] "They took me womanhood..." I was like, "Mum! Spare me the graphic biological details." [Chuckles] Did they tell you nine o'clock? 'Cause they said nine to me. [Jess walks away]
Online porn woman: [Rudy is in office fondling to online porn] Oh, yes! Fuck me harder! Oh, yes, I like it when you do that! [Finn and Jess enter office and Rudy sits up]
Rudy: Who are you?
Finn: We're here for our community service.
Jess: Who are you?
Rudy: I am your probation worker.
Online porn woman: Fuck this tight little asshole! [Rudy attempts to turn it off unsuccessfully]
Rudy: That's not... That is just wrong. That is not how... That's not how God intended it. Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.
Online porn woman: Oh, yes!
Rudy: Wow.
Online porn woman: Oh, it's so hard!
Rudy: This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...
Online porn woman: Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!
Rudy: [Turns off monitor] Somebody's daughter! [Holds out a bag] Want a nacho?
Seth: This isn't going to end well for ya. You've already lost a hand. There's only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase... and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.
Michael: Fuck you.
Seth: [Answers phone] What?
Rudy: [Watching Finn and Jess] I think we might have a problem.
Seth: [Talking about Finn and Jess] They show up here the day after we get the briefcase. They're not on Community Service. It's bullshit.
Rudy One: I'm all over it. Those poor, deluded fools are under the misguided belief that I am their probation worker. It turns out that I'm quite the actor.
Jess: [Watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?
Rudy One: I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.
Jess: Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?
Rudy One: It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.
Jess: Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.
Rudy One: They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker. [Walks away] Shit! [Walks in other direction] Just put that back on there. Safety is very important. [Places fire extinguisher in corner and it falls over] That's...poor craftsmanship, that is.
Rudy: [Spied on by Jess at a coffin freezer who has x-ray vision] Shut up! Stop making me out to be the bad guy! This is a situation entirely of your own making! Your bollocks are going to freeze into little hairy ice cubes unless you tell me where that case is.! I'm taking that as well! A Cornetto! No Cornetto for you, mate!
Jess: You know how you said this was a weird setup? So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
Finn: Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
Jess: Okay. You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation for locking someone in a freezer.
Finn: Do we need to get involved? What if we pretend you didn't see it? How's that sitting with you? Cos...that feels good to me.
Finn: I was just getting a Bounty.
Rudy: Whereas I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.
Jess: We need to get that guy out of the freezer.
Finn: [Sees chainsaw on office table] That's a definite ball-tightening moment. [Jess grabs key ring]
Seth: [Rudy opens door to office to Seth torturing Michael] What's going on?
Rudy: Well, either there's a fire, or someone's attempting to fuck with us! Stay with him!
Seth: The question is, how much is a bollock worth to you?
Michael: Fuck you.
Seth: Michael!
Finn: What was that? That didn't sound good.
Rudy: Shit!
Finn: [Jess unlocks and opens freezer door to discover Curtis unresponsive] Okay, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer. It's certainly unusual.
Jess: Is he dead?
Finn: He looks dead. If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown. [Jess leans to touch his neck and Curtis wakes up, hits Finn in the face, leaps out of freezer and grabs Jess]
Curtis: Who are you?!
Jess: What?!
Curtis: He sent you, didn't he?! Where's the briefcase? Where's the case?!
Jess: I don't know! I don't know anything about any case!
Finn: [Holding nose] You're welcome! This is why you should never get involved. Not so much as a thank you! [Tilts head back]
Rudy: You've let him out! Jesus! You shouldn't have done that!
Jess: What the fuck is going on?
Rudy: [Hand motions in front] Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit, [Hand motions to his right] and over here we have a great big fan. [Hand motions to his left] Shit, and then [Hand motions to his right] you've got the fan... [Hand motions in front] thbbt!
Rudy: [Hands Finn and Jess drinks] I'm going to level with you. Hmm? So prepare to be shocked, huh? Surprised... and more than a little bit amazed. For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfft!
Jess: Really? No shit? You should think about becoming an actor.
Rudy: I know! I know. I know. Just check this out. The truth is, like you. I am also on community service. It all started yesterday. [Hallway scene with voiceover] There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day.
Seth: Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell. so we end up traveling to Uganda. And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he's dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.
Curtis: Kelly? She defused a mine?
Rudy: The villagers love her out there, man. They're all singing and dancing... Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet and savoury, it's man's eternal dilemma. So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff. Kelly's fucking off her community service. We're going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She's not coming back.
Rudy: Who?
Seth: Kelly.
Rudy: What?! She's not coming...? When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset. [Michael bursts in front doors bleeding and limping holding briefcase]
Rudy: Dude? You all right, mate?
Michael: They're all after it. It's my money...
Seth: So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase.
Curtis: It's got a combination lock.
Rudy: Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and a chisel, bust it open?
Curtis: If you open it without the combination, it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It's unusable.
Rudy: Since when did you become such a bloody expert?
Curtis: I watch a lot of heist movies.
Rudy: I can't get into them. There's too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western. There must be a key for those handcuffs. [They all frantically search man for key and man groans]
Curtis: Shut up. [They do not find a key]
Rudy: I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't you two go home, hmm? Kick back, just chill out. I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna take care of our injured friend. Just call me Nurse Rudy. [Chuckles]
Curtis: He's a big guy. If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us to take him to the toilet. Why don't I stay here and give you a hand?
Rudy: Really? It's cool. I'll just let him shit his pants.
Seth: I was trained by St. John's fuckin' Ambulance so, if anyone's staying, I should stay.
Rudy: Well, that settles it, then. It's a sleepover, isn't it?
[Rudy, Seth and Curtis are all lying in cots in the recreation centre atrium]
Rudy: [Seth is unsettled] Excalibur... stop making me do things... that I don't want to do. Ohh! Goodness me.
Seth: [Shines flashlight at Rudy] Are you knocking one out?
Rudy: No. It's just a quick cheeky one, get me to sleep. I have to feed the monster, man. Tell him.
Curtis: It's a sedative, innit? Just hurry up and finish, man.
Rudy: Fucking...Barbara!
Jess: You are going to go blind.
Rudy: That's what me old headmaster, Mr Gibbons, used to say to me, until some nasty little shit threw sulphuric acid into his face. Who's laughing, [points to face with both hands] and seeing, now? 'Cause it's not him.
Jess: Just get on with it, you silly little prick!
Rudy: Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love. I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture for me audience here.
Curtis: [Walks into store room and finds Michael's body with his left hand dismemebered] Where's the briefcase? Which one of you fuckers took the case?!
Seth: I don't know anything about it. How do we know you didn't take the case?
Curtis: 'Cause I know what I did and didn't do, and I know I didn't take the case. [Spots Rudy pointing at him and grabs him by shirt] It was you, wasn't it?!
Rudy: So, you think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?
Curtis: I think that's exactly what you did.
Rudy: Do you? All right, then, genius. If I took the case, then why am I still here? [Turns head to Curtis] Sorry, what?! What was that?! [Taps Curtis forehead] Not as clever as you think, are you? Smackdown!
Curtis: You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it!
Rudy: All right, yeah, that's a good point.
Seth: So, whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness.
Rudy: Also true.
Curtis: We need to search the community centre.
Rudy: Oh, you beat me to it. I was just about to say that.
Curtis: It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?
Rudy: Why do you say that?
Curtis: I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.
Rudy: Did he... Did he say that?
Curtis: Mm-hm.
Rudy: What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?
Curtis: I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]
Finn: [Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?
Jess: You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.
Rudy: All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.
Rudy: So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?
Seth: Why do you say that?
Rudy: I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?
Seth: He said that about Kelly?
Rudy: Huh...
Seth: Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?
Rudy: I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?
Finn: You lost me at "cahoots".
Jess: Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]
Finn: When was this?
Rudy: Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]
[Finn and Jess wake up in coffin freezer]
Jess: What the fuck?!
Finn: Who is that? Is that you?
Jess: Of course it's me! Who else would it be?
Finn: Oh, my God. What's that? There's something moving in me hand.
Jess: That's my tit!
Finn: Oh, sorry.
Jess: Just stop touching my tits!
Finn: I was trying to find me phone.
Jess: It's not in my bra! [Shines phone] There's no signal. You?
Finn: Never when you really need it.
Jess: [Shouts] Help! Help!
Finn: Shh. Hey. Relax. He's just messing with us. This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know, like in those posh private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other's shit?
Jess: You are so naive. You're a pedophile's wet dream. "Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?" What?
Finn: Wasn't in the bushes. It was at me uncle's house. He had this... big, old house in the country. It was surrounded by cornfields. It was beautiful. I used to stay there in the summer when I was a kid. Every night, me uncle came to my room. I can still feel him on top of me... the smell of whisky and cigarettes on his breath... After he raped me... I'd feel his tears falling on me face... like salty rain. I'm joking.
Jess: You prick! I thought you were being serious. [Hits him] You dick!
Finn: Ow! Jesus!
Jess: Why would you do that?
Finn: I was trying to lighten the mood.
Jess: You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
Finn: I'm just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don't seem quite so bad.
Jess: [Shouts] Help! Help!
Seth: I've done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
Rudy: What did he say?
Seth: He said "ouch" and "fuck you".
Rudy: So, what do we do with him?
Seth: Put him on ice until he's ready to talk.
Finn: Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
Jess: I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.
Finn: I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?
Jess: Who's Sadie?
Finn: Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?
Jess: I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.
Finn: Don't mind me, if you want to...
Jess: I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.
Finn: What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?
Jess: Oh, this can't be happening.
Finn: Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?
Jess: I'll be pissing in my pants.
Finn: Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...
Jess: Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?
Finn: I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]
Jess: What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!
Finn: We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!
Jess: We're going to die in here.
Seth: What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?
Rudy: I believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?
[Community servers are burying Michael's body]
Rudy: Hey, how about that, then? That's quite a tale, that is. Took twists and turns, didn't it? New powers [Pointing at Finn]. A hint of sexual possibilities [Looking at Jess]. Tears, laughter, horribly graphic violence. Oh, mate, mutilated testicles! [Immorally laughs] Yes. Something for all the family.
Curtis: [Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?
Greg: I'm your new probation worker.
Jess: How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?
Greg: Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?
Finn: Cor, I have no idea.
Greg: [Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.
Finn: Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.
Greg: [Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?
Rudy: No.
Greg: And his probation worker...
Rudy: Go on.
Greg: [His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.
Rudy: Huh. Whatever.
Jess: Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Curtis: That's definitely new.
Finn: Why did he single me out? Why me?
Rudy: Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.
Finn: [Greets his bound and gagged wife on bed in apartment] Sadie? I'm home. You're not going to believe the day I've had. It was totally insane. I mean, off the scale. How was your day? Tell you what, why don't I make us a sandwich, and I'll, er, tell you all about it?

Episode 2

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Rudy: So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.
Jess: So where did you sleep?
Rudy: Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?
Curtis: No.
Rudy: It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?
Curtis: No. [Rudy turns to Jess]
Jess: I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?
Rudy: That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?
Finn: I- I had to take me dog to the vet.
Rudy: Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]
Jess: What's that on your neck?
Finn: Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.
Jess: What have you been doing?
Finn: Nothing.
Curtis: Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
Finn: Why would I try and hang myself?
Rudy: Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.
Greg: This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
Rudy: [To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
Greg: That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Rudy: Denied.
Jess: Gutted.
Greg: They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
Ally: [To Curtis after fighting with Rudy for Ally's model seat] Hi. Is everything all right?
Curtis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. So, um, you're gonna be sculpting me? If that's all right with you?
Ally: I'm Ally.
Curtis: Curtis. I'll... I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.
Ally: It's my first time doing anything like this. I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
Curtis: Oh! Go for it.
Ally: You've got lovely skin.
Rudy: You are bang out of order, mate!
Curtis: Yeah? And how's that?
Rudy: Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
Curtis: There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
Rudy: There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
Curtis: No.
Rudy: It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
Curtis: And how's that?
Rudy: A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
Finn: Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
Rudy: N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
Jess: Can you please stop saying "vagina"?
Rudy: Yes.
Finn: What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
Curtis: All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
Rudy and Curtis: One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
Rudy: [Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
Jess: [Alex walks in] Who's he?
Curtis: Alex. He just started working here. Come on.
Rudy and Curtis: One, two...
Jess: He is fucking gorgeous.
Rudy: Whoa! Please! It's just, I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive. Yeah, and secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a "will they, won't they, yeah, they probably will sort of thing going on. I'm just...
Jess: Are... Are you actually mentally ill?
Rudy: I could be, if... Is that your thing?
Jess: You need help. I need a piss.
Finn: I've just remembered, I need to go home, to let the dog out. [Runs away]
Rudy: [Spews his drink] Fuck, man! Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one! Let your dog out! Let it off the leash, let it off, grr! See you tomorrow.
Rudy: Dirty bastard, off home for... [does hand motions with putting up v-sign] to be continued.
Curtis: Whatever.
Rudy: [Finn opens front door] Evening. Ha!
Finn: What are you doing here?
Rudy: In the neighbourhood.
Finn: How d'you know where I live?
Rudy: Instinct.
Finn: Instinct... That was a lie, that.
Rudy: Here's the thing, I followed you home. I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep, you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so... psychology, it's clever.
Finn: You can't stay here.
Rudy: You don't mean that.
Finn: I do, you can't stay.
Rudy: I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear it. Invite me in, you little prick. [Forcing his way in a fight]
Finn: You're not invited!
Rudy: I'm inviting me!
Finn: I'm uninviting you!
Rudy: I'm reinviting me!
Finn: Get off! Get off me! You're on me!
Rudy: [In hall] Thank you. Invitation accepted. [Notices door with multiple locks] Is that mine there, with all the bolts and padlocks on it?
Finn: No. That's, er... It's that one down there.
Rudy: Put the kettle on, then.
Sadie/electronic vocalizer: You can't keep me tied up for ever.
Finn: I'll let you go as soon as we get it sorted.
Sadie/electronic vocalizer: When will that be?
Finn: Soon. Really soon, I promise.
Rudy: [In hall drinking a mug meeting Finn holding a bucket] Morning.
Finn: I thought you were asleep.
Rudy: Yeah, well... the early bird catches the worm. [Notices bucket Finn is holding]
Finn: I like to shit in a bucket.
Rudy: Well, that's... strange.
Finn: It's my flat. I can shit where I like. I should probably flush it. It's a bit of a stinky one.
[Rudy, Curtis and Jess are at blind people's clay modeling in the recreation centre atrium]
Curtis: He shits in a bucket?
Rudy: Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?
Jess: Whose shit was it?
Rudy: Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...
Greg: [Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.
Curtis: What? Why does she want a different model?
Greg: Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.
Rudy: [Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
Curtis: Hi. It's Curtis. From yesterday. Why did you ask to change models?
Ally: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Curtis: Did I do something to offend you? Look, it's obvious you've got some kind of problem with me, so why don't you just tell me what it is?
Ally: I think that people like you and people like me should stick to our own kind.
Curtis: [Scoffs] You're racist?
Ally: That's your word. You can call it that if you want. I call it that because that's what it is.
Curtis: She's a racist.
Rudy: [Softly] Jess?
Curtis: What? No! Ally. No.
Rudy: Lovely blind Ally with her shiny hair, she smells of roses. No.
Curtis: She asked to change models cause I'm black. She's a racist.
Rudy: She's blind. I think it... That cancels it out, does it not cancel...?
Curtis: There ain't no canceling out. What about Stevie Wonder?
Curtis: What's your point?
Rudy: Blind and black, you idiot. [Points at Curtis] Ebony and [points to self] ivory. Why can't we all just sit together? In perfect harmony! With... [sings] Paul McCartney... [normal voice] who was a vegan. [Laughs] He weren't a racist.
Curtis: I've no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Rudy: Stevie Wonder. Old...wobbly head, that's me way in.
Curtis: To what?
Rudy: To curing her of her terrible racism. [Curtis stares in stunned silence]
Finn: Is it all right if I go home to let my dog out?
Greg: What's it worth?
Finn: [Chuckles] What, you want me to pay you?
Greg: Well, you're asking me to risk my job, my pension, my reputation, so... what's it worth, dipshit?
Finn: About £2.86? [Puts change in Greg's hand]
Greg: Fuck off.
Finn: Does that mean I can go and feed me dog?
Greg: No.
Rudy Two: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Rudy: I believe I am, yeah. He is keeping a talking dog prisoner.
Finn: [Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
Seth: I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Finn: Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
Seth: It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Finn: Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
Seth: Are you coming on to me?
Finn: No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
Curtis: What's going on?
Seth: I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Finn: Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
Rudy: [Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
Finn: What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Rudy: Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
Finn: I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Jess: Why didn't you just leave her?!
Finn: Because I love her!
Jess: You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
Finn: I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
Jess: You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Finn: Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
Rudy: You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
Rudy Two: You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog! Dude, it was his girlfriend. He's had her tied up. You've had her pooing in a bucket!
Rudy: Yes, and with very good reason. She has been abusing him, she's been pussy-whipping the hell out of him, man.
Rudy Two: What?
Finn: Where is she?
Rudy Two: She was having trouble walking. Her legs weren't working properly. They've gone all wobbly,you've had her tied down for so long. I rang her a taxi and, er... well, she's gone, man.
Rudy: I'll go and stick the kettle on.
Finn: It's over. She's never coming back. I've lost her. I was so fucking stupid... and now she's gone. I dunno what to do.
Rudy: Hmm? Oh, come on! Look on the bright side. Cos in the not-too-distant future, I'm pretty sure I am gonna be having sex with a beautiful blind girl. [Laughs]
Finn: We've been together since we were 16. She was 15.
Jess: Technically, that makes it statutory rape, so that's nice.
Finn: She's the only girl I've ever been with. I don't know how to be with other girls. I only know how to be with her. You know the worst thing? I really miss her.
Jess: Why d'you wanna be with someone who wants to change you? If the only way that you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket then you're probably not meant for each other.
Finn: That's not true. We're just going through a rough patch.
Jess: She is going to feed you your balls.
Finn: Oh, Jesus. [Sighs] I can't go home.
Rudy: [Eating an egg sandwich in kitchen and sees Sadie appear in doorway] Oh, hello! [The eggs fall from sandwich onto floor] Me yolks! That's a tragedy!
Sadie: Where's Finn?!
Rudy: [Points and shouts] You stay away from him! D'you hear me? Uncle Rudy knows all about you! If I had it my way, I'd have just left you tied to that bed, shitting in a bucket. One sec. [Scoops up egg yolks from floor with spatula] Up you come, my beauties. Good as new. [Reinserts egg yolks into sandwich, blows on it and resumes eating]
Sadie: What are you doing in my flat?!
Rudy: I am staying here, for an indefinite period, rent free!
Finn: Have a guess where I spent last night?
Rudy: Oh! Did you get a photo of her little furry friend while she was sleeping?
Finn: What? No! Nothing happened. Well, I say nothing. I did get a little cheeky flash of nipple when she was wearing her pyjamas. Which got me thinking about other girls, moving on. A little flash of nipple. Maybe that's all it takes. Which is actually really pathetic.
Rudy: Nipples. [Sighs] Little pink devils.
Finn: What's goin' on?
Rudy: Your girlfriend's kicked me out the flat. She's got quite the temper on her, hasn't she? [Laughs]
Finn: Sadie? She's at the flat?
Rudy: Yep. She is not an happy bunny.
Curtis: So where are you gonna live?
Rudy: Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.
Jess: You mean you're moving into the community centre.
Rudy: [Points at her] There's no flies on you, is there? Clever. [Puts arms around Finn and shakes him] We're gonna be flatmates. Hmm? Hmm? No? Come on. And you two should move in with us. Imagine all of us living under same roof like one big, happy family... like The Waltons.
Curtis: I see that happening, you fucking prick.
Rudy: Well, that's a shame, and that's why you're never gonna be in The Waltons. I fucking love The Waltons, man. It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment. I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.
Curtis: Who are you?
Lola: I'm here for Weight Watchers.
Curtis: Seriously?
Lola: No. I'm Lola.
Curtis: Curtis. So if you're not here for Weight Watchers, why are you here?
Lola: I'm a trainee probation worker.
Curtis: [Scoffs] You? You're a trainee probation worker?
Lola: Is that going to be a problem for you?
Curtis: I'll manage.
Lola: Good. It's nice to meet you... Curtis.
Rudy: [Watching cheerleaders practice] Oh, mate, that's excellent. Look at fresh meat. Look at the size of them.
Jess: Every woman you see, they're just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.
Rudy: Three! There's three bloody holes in which I could potentially insert me penis.
Jess: How do we even belong to the same species?
Rudy: As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women... love a penis.
Jess: It's "from Venus".
Rudy: Cha...! [Whispers] Spot the lesbian.

Episode 3

edit
Finn: We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
Jess: And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
Finn: It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
Jess: And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
Finn: Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
Dark Rudy: How do they expect us to survive on single benefits when there's two of us?
Rudy: I'm not sure the benefit system was designed for situations like ours. Go and see Mum and Dad. See if you can't guilt-trip them into giving you some money. Steal if you have to. Dad usually keeps a couple of quid under that... crappy polar bear paperweight thing. Look, I'm not your slave. Go and get some crisps. Cheese and onion.
Dark Rudy No, fuck it, let's go exotic, prawn cocktail. Do you want to be Rudy One, or do you want to be Rudy Two? I'll be... Rudy Too, spelled T, double O, because I am.
Rudy: I get it. Will you... what's wrong with me toothbrush?
Dark Rudy You don't have a toothbrush.
Rudy: I'm sharing with Finn.
Dark Rudy Does he know that?
Rudy: Does he need to know that?
Dark Rudy: Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.
Rudy: You really are a petty, selfish little man. There's no crisps for you. Just fuck off.
Dark Rudy: [Mutters] Yeah.
Rudy: Fuck it.
Dark Rudy: I'll be Rudy Too - T, double O, because I am." You fucking...
Rudy: What, did you forget something? Is that a ukulele? What the bloody hell are you doing with that?
Dark Rudy: You know them things remind me of him. Yeah, well, when you're locked in a prison cell 23 hours a day, there's not much else to do than masturbate and play ukulele.
Rudy: What? No hug? What are you doing here?
Dark Rudy: I came to see you. I feel the least you owe me is an apology for getting me sent down.
Rudy: I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
Dark Rudy: You two sent me out to get us some Curly Wurlys. The police just so happened to know exactly where I'd be.
Rudy: You're a fucking psychopath. You're a liability, mate. You nearly battered that guy half to death.
Dark Rudy: I taught him a valuable lesson.
Rudy: You bit his frigging ear off.
Dark Rudy: Well, he should've listened to me. What's the point in having ears if you're not gonna use 'em?
Rudy: Yeah, what about his nose?
Dark Rudy: His nose was just for the comedy. I've got a present for you.
Rudy: Have you?
Dark Rudy: I believe this is yours. [Holds out three chocolate bars]
Rudy: Ah, you're all right. I've gone off them. They're...they're very sugary. You know...
Dark Rudy: Take it. Take it!
Rudy: I don't want to.
Dark Rudy: [Screams with excess spit spraying] TAKE THE FUCKING CANDY BAR! Take it! Take it, take it!
Rudy: Fuck it. [Takes the candy bars]
Dark Rudy: What do you say?
Rudy: Thank you.
Dark Rudy: That wasn't so bad, was it?!
Rudy: Please, please...
Dark Rudy: Bye-bye.

Episode 4

edit
Curtis: Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker?
Finn: Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything. I'm outside the loop.
Rudy: Shh. Listen, if she's cute... Dude, I saw her first, so legally that is first dibs.
Curtis: You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Episode 5

edit
Rudy: Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,
Jess: D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.
Rudy: He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.
Finn: And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.
Rudy: Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.
Finn: Why would he be disappointed?
Rudy: Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.
Greg: Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]
Rudy: Oh, fuck!
Greg: My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.
Greg: So why do you think he did it? Why did Curtis... blow his brains out in a disused factory?
Rudy: I honestly couldn't tell you, mate.
Greg: Let's get... one thing straight, right? I am not and I never will be... your mate.
Rudy: Oh, come on, that's a bit of a tragedy, innit?! For you! Because I think if you... Only kidding. That's not... [Mutters] Cor, you're very intense.
Greg: Oh, you want intense?
Rudy: No.
Greg: [Clears throat] I'll give you intense. I'll give you the intense sensation of me skull-fucking your living brain.
Rudy: No. Come on.
Greg: Come on. Since Curtis's death, have you suffered from overwhelming feelings of loss and despair?
Rudy: No? [seriously after Greg gives him a look] No, I haven't.
Greg: Are you fucking sure about that?
Rudy: Yes? [Clears throat] Yes.
Alex: [Walks up to her] Hi.
Jess: [Pulls out walkman earbuds] Hi. Is that it? [Walks past him]
Alex: I- I'm sorry. [She turns around] I screwed up. It was nothing you did. I shouldn't have lied to you. I am a prick.
Jess: Mmm.
Alex: So what are you thinking?
Jess: I'm thinking I wanna hit you in the face.
Alex: Well, I think if that's gonna make you feel better, go ahead.
Jess: Fuck you.
Alex: I'm serious. If that's what it's gonna take for you to get over it... then hit me. I'll come down to your level. I'll make it easy for you. [Kneels to her and Jess strikes him] Oh! What the fuck?!
Jess: You told me to hit you!
Alex: Jesus! Oh!
Jess: Are you cr...? Are you crying?
Alex: No. My eyes are watering. Why did you go for the nose?
Jess: Oh, you...
Alex: What? ...Oh, shit! Sorry.
Jess: Yeah, well, so you fucking should be.
Alex: It's not funny! [She laughs] Do you wanna go out tomorrow night?
Rudy: [About Finn's dad] Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
Finn: I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. I mean, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Rudy: Well. What's your sister like?!
Finn: You are clearly not one of those people.
Rudy: Yes, that's brilliant. Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!
Finn: I'm not- I wasn't using his tumors.
Rudy: Absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right? And I've been nurturing, I've just been feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, like that. And you've gone and grown up. Now you're flying away, aren't you? Off into the distance.
Curtis: [Referring to bar employee Alex, to a smitten Jess] Don't take it personally. [Whispers] I think he might be gay.
Curtis: [On rooftop] I'm really sorry it's come down to this. None of us chose this shit. It's zombie noir, innit? [Aims gun under jaw and discharges it, dying instantly]
Finn: [Pointing to photograph] This is you... and this is me mum. Mary. M-Mary Samson.
Roger: This is so weird. Your mum's Mary Samson? She had a nickname. What was it? Everyone used to call her... Mary, something Mary... Oh, what was it? Ma... Oh.
Finn: Anyway... me mum worked out a timeline on her pregnancy, when I must have been conceived. It was at this party. She says one of the guys in the photograph must be me dad. Me real dad. Only, she had a few drinks that night and can't for the life of her remember who she had sex with, which I find deeply disturbing on so many levels. So I guess... me question to you... and trust me, never in me worst nightmares did I ever think I'd be going around repeatedly asking this, but... me question is... did you shag me mum?
Roger: Are you saying that I'm your...?
Finn: Looks that way. Take your time.
Roger: Um... I've got a son! Look at you. Y- You're all grown up. I- I- I've missed so much. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. [Clicks fingers] Anal Mary! Your mum's nickname. Everyone used to call her Anal Mary. You know, I'm pretty sure I'm not your dad.
Finn: You said you had sex with her.
Roger: Ahh... There's no easy way to say this, but, um... I fucked your mum up the arse. It's her thing, you know. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Oh! Anal Mary. How is your mum? She, er, single?
Finn: So I guess me question to you is... at the party, did you... [clears throat] did you have sex with me mum?
Dan: Yeah.
Finn: About the sex... Was it normal?
Dan: Hmm, it was on a washing machine.
Finn: By normal, I mean... [whispers] was it... [makes a gesture]
Dan: What?
Finn: Vaginal?
Dan: Ohh, God! You've obviously heard about the whole Anal Mary thing, right?
Finn: I've heard.
Dan: I always hated people calling her that. So she liked it up the sh... I just don't think... people should have judged her. And to answer your question... Yes, it was normal sex.
Finn: I think that probably makes you my dad.
Dan: You're my son?
Finn: Yeah. Wow. I, um... d'you have any fatherly advice for me?
Dan: Um... don't get cancer. [Finn chuckles] No, seriously. Do not get cancer.
Finn: I'll try not to. Hadn't planned on it. [Laughs and starts coughing up blood] Cancer, eh? Bummer. Total bummer.
Finn: Is he? Is he gonna? Will he get better?
Grace: No, it's terminal.
Finn: Oh. Where's your mum?
Grace: She died a few years ago. She was in a car accident.
Finn: Jesus. Well, have you got any brothers or sisters?
Grace: No, just me. Guess this isn't exactly what you were expecting.
Finn: No. I'm glad I found him. I wanna help. What can I do?
Grace: Well, you could change his colostomy bag, if you like? I'm joking.
Finn: Oh! Bye.
Grace: [Enters Dan's room] Dad? [Takes his pulse and realizes he has passed so she then uses her powers to revive him]
Dan: You can't keep me alive for ever.
Rudy: [In locker room] Right, so your new dad... craps in a bag? People are strange, mate.
Finn: You should see him. He's all, like...
Rudy: Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking... you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
Finn: I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. You know, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Rudy: Oh. What's your sister like?
Finn: You are clearly not one of those people.
Rudy: I meant as a person! I'm just thinking your sister needs a little bit of something to take her mind of things. By something, I mean... I know what you...! I know what you mean.
Finn: Oh.
Greg: [Appears] Who's dying?
Finn: Me new dad. He's not new, as in... [Greg does a facial tick and Rudy walks away] new to me.
Greg: [Sighs and walks up to Finn] D'you know how I felt when my dad died?
Finn: No.
Greg: Take a guess.
Finn: Sad?
Greg: I was fucking ecstatic. Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick. Danced a happy little jig on his grave. [Dances a jig and leans into Finn] You think about that... when you're out there scrubbing off graffiti and scraping up dog shit.
Finn: Okay. Will do.
[Finn, Rudy and Jess are washing off graffiti]
Finn: You should see the stuff that comes out of him.
Jess: Your poor sister. That must be so hard for her, having to deal with all that on her own.
Finn: Right. So hard. Of course, she... She's not on her own any more, is she? 'Cause she's got me.
Jess: That's really sweet, you know?
Finn: I try.
Rudy: Yes, that's brilliant! Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!
Finn: Nah, I... I wasn't using his tumors.
Rudy: You're absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right, and I've been nurturing and feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, and you've gone and grown up, and now you're flying away, aren't you, off into the distance. [Pretends graffiti washer nozzle is a shotgun and shoots an imaginary bird in the sky] Got the fucker. Not a problem.
Finn: Okay. I'm gonna go round later.
Jess: Yeah?
Finn: Feels good, doin', you know, something for other people. We could go for a drink after.
Jess: Sorry, I can't. I'm meeting Alex.
Finn: Who's Alex?
Jess: You know Alex, from the bar.
Finn: I thought you were pissed off with him.
Jess: I was, but then I punched him in the face and he asked me out and I said yes.
Finn: Why don't you just kick me in the balls?
Jess: Why would I want to kick you in the balls?
Finn: Does it get me a date?
Jess: Have fun with your sister. [Walks away]
Dan: Shit. Must be, er... kinda hard for you turning up and finding me like this.
Finn: No, I just... just wish I'd met you sooner.
Dan: Yeah, me too. I'm glad you came back. There's something I need to talk to you about... before Grace gets back. Um... Do you know... about the storm... and these weird powers?
Finn: I did hear something about...
Dan: I know we've only just met each other. There's no-one else I can talk to. Grace... has a power. And she's been using it to keep me alive.
Finn: Are you saying she's curing you?
Dan: No, no, no, she's not. She's... [groans] I'm not getting any better. And I'm in so much pain. I've been letting her do it... [groans] because she... didn't have anybody else. And you show up. She's got a brother now. I don't wanna live like this, Finn. I need you to make her see that she has to let me go.
Finn: Don't think there's anyone else?
Dan: She has no-one else. [Coughs] You're her brother.
Finn: Half-brother.
Dan: I need you to persuade her... to let me die. Please.
Dan: Finn. She has to let me go. I want to die.
Finn: I'm a fun guy. So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Grace: No.
Finn: You?
Grace: You already asked me that.
Finn: Right. Er... Have you got any pets?
Grace: No. You?
Finn: I did once pretend to have a dog. It was really me girlfriend. We don't need to go there.
Finn: Did that just look a little bit gay to you? Did it?
Grace: Okay, if you say so. D'you wanna tell me what we're doing here?
Finn: This guy, Alex, "from the bar", he's got a date with a friend of mine and we're finding out if he's gay.
Grace: Why?
Finn: So I can completely destroy his relationship with Jess before it's even started.
Grace: You like this girl Jess?
Finn: I might. That's not the point! Just keep your eyes... Now, where did they go? I think he's paying him for sex.
Finn: Oh, shit. They're here. He doesn't waste any time, does he? Quick polish of his cock and then he's ready to roll.
Jess: Finn.
Grace: What do we do?
Finn: Play... Play it cool, play it cool. Hey! Hey, good to see you. Hi, Jess. Jess, this is me sister... [Grace and Jess shake hands] well, half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Jess. It's Alex, right? Yeah, I'm Finn. This is me sister... half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Alex. "From the bar".
Jess: What's with the speech marks?
Finn: No idea! [Chuckles sheepishly] So, how are you? How's it hanging, dawg? [Taps her one shoulder with her responding coldly]
Jess: Why are you being so weird?
Finn: What? Who's being weird? [Laughs sheepishly] Oh! She's always like this. You should see her when we're on community service. We have such a laugh. Don't we have a laugh?
Grace: Are you on community service? You told me you were studying engineering.
Finn: [Laughs awkwardly] Did I?
Jess: Well, this is awkward, so I'm going to the toilet.
Finn: You know what? Oh, I need a piss, too. Synchronized bladders.
Finn: Jess.
Jess: What are you doin'?
Finn: It's about Alex.
Jess: What about him?
Finn: He's gay. And I'm pretty sure he's paying men for sex.
Jess: Finn. I'm here. Fuck off!
Finn: [Holds phone under washroom stall] Watch the video. Watch it... and tell me if you still think Alex, "from the bar", isn't gay. Well?
Jess: You... are really pathetic. D'you know that?
Finn: Am I?
Jess: Mmm.
Finn: At least I'm not gay. Absolutely nothin' wrong with it. Unless... Unless you're pretending you're not gay so you can trick girls into having sex with you.
Jess: Why would anyone do that?
Finn: Where's me phone?
Jess: It's down the toilet. But don't worry, I didn't flush.
Finn: He's gay and you know it.
Jess: Nothing wrong with it.
Finn: Shit.
Jess: Fuck off. [Walks away]
Grace: I hate to say it, but I think she's probably gonna take him back to his flat... and fuck his brains out. You really like her, don't you?
Finn: I always have done. Ever since me first day on community service. She acts all tough and she's not. And I know I can make her happy. You don't wanna listen to this.
Grace: To be honest, it's nice to think about something other than Dad. I don't get out much.
Finn: There's something I need to talk to you about.
Grace: What's that?
Rudy: [Drops in] Oh, hello! I'm Rudy! It's nice to meet you! 'Ey, I bet he's been telling you all sorts about me, hasn't he? What's he been saying? What've you told her, you, you shit?
Grace: He hasn't said anything.
Rudy: Has he not? That's interesting. That's very interesting indeed.
Rudy: Nice one. She's lovely. Very nice and generous. [Softly] She's very cute, mate. Very cute. She smells of strawberries and cream.
Finn: I forbid you to even talk to her.
Rudy: I have popped in to say hello, all right, and to tell you how sorry I am about your dad. No-one's more upset about this than me.
Finn: Please don't fuck me sister.
Rudy: I'd love to help you, but unfortunately, I am... I'm genetically programmed to fuck people's sisters. It's the way the Lord made me. Can't be helped, dude. [Notices Grace flirting with a muscular man at bar] Who the fuck is that clown?
Alex: D'you want something to eat? 'Cause I could make you something.
Jess: You cook?
Alex: It's been known.
Jess: Then great.
Rudy: Eh?
Finn: What? What?!
Rudy: Are you just gonna sit there and let some friggin' Neanderthal treat your sister like a piece of meat?! Worse... It's worse than a piece of meat! He's treating her like a piece of fish!
Finn: She looks like she's enjoying herself.
Rudy: Will she still be enjoying herself, I wonder, when you're taking her down the AIDS clinic?
Finn: Jesus, what did you have to say that for?
Rudy: Ugh.
Finn: You really think I should go over there?
Rudy: Mmm.
Finn: Is? Is that what brothers do?
Rudy: Well, yes, it is. It's what they do when they don't want their sisters to get AIDS.
Finn: All right, back me up.
Rudy: All right, I will do. Right behind you, bro.
Grace's interest: Can I help you with something?
Finn: I just wanna check... What are your intentions towards my sister?
Grace: What are you doing?
Finn: I'm sorry, but I... I don't want you to get AIDS, OK?
Grace's interest: Are you saying I've got AIDS?
Finn: No, not at all. No, I was say... I was saying... [Grace's interest punches Finn in face sending him flying into table and to floor]
Grace: Piss off, you little shit! Hey, that's my brother, you fucking prick!
Jess: [In locker room] Just so you know, Alex, [does air quotes] "from the bar", is so not gay.
Finn: Great. I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband. Or, should I say, "civil partner".
Jess: [Does air quotes] "Twat"! The thing in the underground car park, he was buying some gear.
Finn: So he's a drug addict. He... he is quite a catch.
Jess: D'you know what? I really don't give a fuck what he was doing. What's going on?
Finn: Me dad died.
Jess: Oh. God, I'm sorry, yeah?
Rudy: [Lunges at Finn and slams him against locker and starts drawing on Finn's upper lip] You little bastard! Draw on my face, will you? You little shit!
Jess: Rudy, don't!
Rudy: Fuck off! Little comedy Hitler mustache there.
Jess: Get off him! Rudy!
Rudy: It's fucking payback.
Jess: His fucking dad died!
Rudy: Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. Shit.
Alex: [Follows a teen boy, grabs him, drags him into an abandoned market stall and slams teen boy against wall] Listen to me. I'm not gonna hurt you! I promise I'm not gonna hurt you! Show me your cock and I'll let you go! Show me your cock!

Episode 6

edit
Rudy One: [Laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
Finn: What are?
Rudy One: Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
Finn: What's wrong with these?
Rudy One: [In a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Finn: Will there be a buffet?
Rudy One: Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Finn: Well, they aren't chinos so...
Rudy One: They are chinos.
Finn: [Sees Jess] Hiya. You all right?
Rudy One: All right? Are you ready for the carnage?
Jess: What you on about?
Rudy One: Oh, you'll see. You'll see what I'm on about. [Chuckles with a raised index finger]
Jess: Are we going to this party, or what?
Rudy One: Yeah. [They walk away]
Rudy One: [Entering elevator] Trust me, you will never forget your first Richard Saunders house party! Guaranteed! Honestly, Colonel Saunders is a fucking legend! Aw... it's gonna be buzzing! [Mouths to Finn to say something to Jess who turns around]
Finn: I like your top. It's nice. What do you call that kind of top?
Jess: It's just a top.
Finn: It's not like a halterneck.
Jess: I know.
Finn: No, it's nice, whatever it is. It's a nice top.
Jess: Yeah. Thanks. [Rudy brings hand to jaw with Jess turning head around, then front and elevator door opens to Alex] Oh, you made it!
Alex: I can't find this party.
Rudy One: [Leaves elevator] I know where it is, mate. It's down here somewhere. Follow me.
Alex: I like your top. Good colour on you.
Jess: Thanks.
Finn: [Softly] Fuck's sake.
Jess: Oh, yes!
Rudy One: Right. Now, then, wait... Whoo! [Jess reaches for door handle] What you doing? Listen, brace yourself. All right? This thing is gonna hit you like a train. So you do some deep breaths. In through the nose... [deep breath with Finn complying] out through the mouth. [Finn exhales] It's good stuff. I'll see you on the other side. [Enters apartment to discover it is a formal funeral wake] N- N- N- No! This... this is bubbling under nicely. We just need to get ourselves a drink, we need to get settled, cos there is a hurricane a-coming! It's on its way!
Alex: It's a weird party.
Jess: Yeah, it's pretty weird.
Rudy One: Hey! Seen this? Saunders, the mad bastard, eh? Everyone's drinking sherry! Honestly! It's going to go fucking mental in here, I'm telling you!
Jess: Really?
Rudy One: Hmm.
Jess: This is a wake.
Rudy One: What are you on about?
Jess: It's a funeral.
Rudy One: Ohh... [Starts sobbing] No, it's not. Don't fucking... Saunders, no! [Bangs bookcase]He's the 'nest... He's me best friend! Why do only the good die young?!
Jess: [Holds up card] It's some old woman called Glenda.
Rudy One: It's the wrong flat. Get... get your shit. It's the wrong flat.
Jess: So, um, this is a great night.
Finn: Scotch eggs if you're hungry.
Jess: Oh, my God! You stole from a funeral! I'm impressed.
Finn: If you think that's good...
Jess: [Takes a toothpicked item from wrapping] Ohhh! Ah, cheesy pineapple!
Rudy One: It's definitely on this floor.
Alex: Why don't you just ring him?
Rudy One: I might just ring him.
Alex: Just ring him up.
Rudy One: Probably won't answer. Probably lost his phone again. Fuckin' maniac.
Finn: I didn't know you were coming.
Alex: Yeah. Jess asked me. Is that all right with you?
Finn: Absolutely fine.
Rudy One: [On phone] Hey, here he is! How you doing, you cunt?! You all right, Saunders?! Yeah, listen. Bit... bit of a problem. I forgot where you live. Nice one. See you there. We're on the wrong floor. Get back in the lift. Shit. [Leaves elevator with others to arguing couple in hallway]
Craig: If you ain't got anything to hide, then just say.
Katie: [Number eleven is on her forehead] I don't see why it matters.
Craig: It matters to me. So just tell me, how many people have you slept with?
Katie: Fine. It's four. Before you, I slept with four guys.
Craig: Fucking liar.
Rudy One: [Walks past couple and opens apartment door to thronging dance party] Yeah, this is it. Welcome to the jungle [Laughs] I'm going to get us a drink. I'm going to check in with the Colonel.
Finn: Why have you got a 2 on your head?
Jess: Why have you got a 1?
Finn: [They look in mirror] What? I didn't do that!
Jess: [Licking fingers and rubbing forehead] It's not coming off!
Finn: How the fuck did it get on there?!
Rudy One: Oi! Shit, mate. Oi, check this out. Turns out I've been going round with a bloody big 99 on me head, which, strangely enough, is the exact amount of girls I've slept with, dude![Laughs] I keep a list. I've got to keep a record. I just want to keep tabs on where he's been. It's like service history!
Finn: Can I just say, long-term relationship, so no shame in that.
Rudy One: There's deep shame in that.
Alex: Okay. Any idea why I've got the number 46 on my head?
Rudy One: Yes, because you are a fucking Viking. Respect to the dark horse.
Finn: It's how many "girls" you've slept with.
Alex: Hmm. Is this some kind of power thing?
Rudy One: How do you know about powers?
Alex: I just do.
Rudy One: What about you, then? Are the goods still intact, or?
Jess: Unlike yours, which must be fucking disgusting, like an old banana that's been left out in the sun.
Rudy One: How come someone as fit as you only has shagged two people? 'Cause it's not like you don't get offers, is it? Are you just not that bothered about cock, or what? It doesn't make you a lesbian, or anything like that. 'Cause honestly... Honestly, lads, I'm just like this with Twixes. I can take 'em or I can leave 'em.
Jess: Just fuck off.
Rudy One: Very angry- Maybe if she put it about a bit more, she wouldn't be so angry. I'm just saying.
Finn: [Walks into washroom] Are you all right?
Jess: Yeah, I'm fine.
Finn: Alex? 46! How many of them do you reckon were blokes?
Jess: Can you just go?
Rudy One: Start working on your friggin' digits, mate.
Finn: That is a mark of honor. It shows I'm a good person.
Rudy One: Do you know... all right, here we go. All right, here's a graph, [makes hand motions referring to an x/y graph] all right? And down the bottom, it says "niceness", and down the side, it says "number of times I've ejaculated inside a real human woman," right? [Points at Finn] And your friggin' graph, dude, is doing this. Are you watching? Boom! All right? Do you understand what I'm saying?
Finn: I don't care about numbers. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.
Rudy One: Yeah, right. See her, there? She is never gonna respect you while you got that on your head, you moron!
Finn: You're wrong. Because she respects people with morals. People who actually stand up for something. And I reckon... tonight's the night.
Rudy One: Do you? All right. So while you're just... [makes hand motions] jerking off... into a wet flannel, like a stinky little Hobbit bitch, I'm gonna be joining the Hundreds Club, all right? [Picks up a cup at a bar to a woman] Here we go, here we go. Hello, I'm Rudy, how you doing? I'll be your waiter for the evening. I'll get you a white wine spritzer, that's for you.
Carrie: Why've you got 99 on your head?
Rudy One: Mm, very interesting story about that. If you'd like to come to the bedroom with me, I'll just explain it all. It's very interesting.
Carrie: All right. [She walks away with Rudy]
Finn: Fuck off!
Carrie: [On top of Rudy kissing him passionately] Hmm... Purr!
Rudy One: No... stop it...! Knock it off! [Pushes Carrie off him] Sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just not really feeling it!
Carrie': What?
Rudy One: Well, it's just if it's going to be me centenary fuck, it's gotta be summat special, hasn't it? You know what I mean? Something a bit magical. It's got to be something I can tell me grand kids when they run around me ankles, you know what I mean?
Carrie: You're a prick.
Rudy One: Shit, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but you know what, love, it doesn't change the fact... what was that? There's something in that cupboard. All right. It's all right, um... [picks up a mug and practices using it as a weapon] Imagine that! [opens cupboard to discover Richard]
Richard: The white rabbit!
Rudy One: It's him, it's Saunders, he's here! What you doing in there?
Richard: He's coming for us, he's out there! The white rabbit's coming!
Rudy One: [Mimics Richard] Oh, this is classic Saunders, this is, trippin' his friggin' balls off! What have you taken?! It won't mean anything to you, this, right, but I'm tellin' you, this is bloody vintage... vintage Saunders!
Richard: The white rabbit! R -R- Rabbit! White rabbit!
Alex: There's no food. I think we should raid the funeral.
Jess: Can we just talk about the numbers?
Alex: I guess we should.
Jess: 46? Must have been one hell of a weekend. You could fill a coach with all those. A fuck bus.
Alex: It would be an awkward journey.
Jess: Mine... we could all fit inside a small car, something like a Vauxhall Corsa. We'd have a seat left over.
Alex: I know what you must think...
Jess: No, it's fine! You don't have to justify yourself to me!
Alex: I'm not that person any more.
Jess: We should keep drinking.
Alex: We definitely should.
Jess: Okay. My round.
Finn: So... it turns out we've got something in common. Neither of us are slags.
Jess: Aha.
Finn: Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics. Find out if two can go into one.
Jess: If I'm two and I'm going into one, that would mean that I'm penetrating you.
Finn: It was a joke. God... Forget it.
Jess: I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mister HIV over there. [Nods head to Alex]
Finn: I know that, but...
Jess: Finn, can we not do this tonight? [Walks away]
Finn: Oh, no. No, thank you. Are you all right?
Rudy One: [Attempting to decide on a woman in party] No! Hello! Would you? Fucking unbelievable! No!
Woman: Oh! Who is that fuckin' guy?
Rudy One: No! Sorry! It's not happening! Shit! [Gets woman's attention] Ooh, hey! You're all right. What's your name?
Holly: Holly.
Rudy One: Yeah?
Holly: Why've you got a 99 on your head?
Rudy One: That's how aroused I am out of 100. I'm gonna let you know if you get down to final three, yeah? [Finn joins him] Just conducting a little field study, eh? Trying to make a short list for the Miss 100, aren't I?
Finn: Right.
Rudy One: [Observes Jess talking to Alex] You're sulking cos you've been blown out the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?
Finn: He's not sexy!
Rudy One: He's quite sexy!
Finn: Okay, he's quite sexy! He's got the whole... face thing going on. But... so what?
Rudy One: D'you know, I think the best thing you can do right now, let's just find someone else and make her jealous.
Finn: Maybe you're right.
Rudy One: Course I'm right. Uncle Rudy were born right, mate, 99. Let's do this. Come on, little man.
Katie: Richie! I just want to go home!
Richard: You can't! The white rabbit's out there. He's coming for us!
Katie: Don't be a prick!
Richard: [Katie goes past him and out door] You can't go out there! [Looks around party in horror] White rabbit...
Rudy One: [Motions to a deeply inebriated woman] Right, there we go! Right, that's a freebie! Pudding is served!
Finn: I can't. She... She's wasted.
Rudy: Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It's a bloody loophole is what it is. [Makes gesture] Right, this is your loophole here. You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole. Do you understand me?
Finn: Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking drunk girls.
Rudy: [Chuckles] Really, Finlay? Really?
Finn: Yes.
Rudy One: Shit. Right... Right, well, in that case, drink up. Come on.
Finn: Where are we going?
Rudy One: You're not gonna get laid here, man. You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are, frankly.
Finn: Are we going back to the funeral?
Rudy One: Yeah, we're going back to the funeral, come on. [Steps out in hallway over Abbey passed out with Finn fixated on her] Yeah, mate. Eh, I think she's the one for you, ain't she?
Finn: Do you think she's all right?
Rudy One: Yeah, man, I think she looks really nice.
Finn: I think we should move her.
Rudy One: No, leave her, she's peaceful.
Finn: Let's put her inside. Grab her legs.
Rudy One: Fuck's sake! One, two, three... [carrying Abbey into party's apartment] everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through! We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic! Excuse me... can you open that door?
Party man: [Opens bathroom door] Cheers, dude, nice one. [Rudy and Finn carry Abbey into bathroom]
Rudy One: Good God, man! You all right there? All right, mate? Yeah. Up we go! Now. [Puts Abbey in bathtub and Finn places a rolled up towel under Abbey's head] Christ! Come on... What are you doing?!
Finn: Just making her comfortable!
Rudy One: Fuckin' idiot!
Jess: I'm glad you came.
Alex: Me too. So... you look nice.
Jess: Do I? I was starting to get a bit self-conscious. It's been, um... 15 minutes since you paid me a compliment?
Alex: No. No, you look great. I like your top.
Jess: Really?
Alex: Yeah.
Jess: How about the colour?
Alex: Looks good on you.
Alex: [Jess attempts to seduce him in a secluded room] I... I don't think we should do this right now.
Alex: What?
Jess: Just... don't.
Alex: What is wrong with you?
Jess: You lead me on, then fuck me about!
Alex: No, it's... It's not like that.
Jess: Then what is it like?
Alex: It's complicated.
Jess: Ohh... That's it?! That's all I'm getting, "it's complicated"? Or, maybe it's me. I take it there wasn't a problem with the other 46? Do you know what? I've had enough of you and your bullshit head games. [Walks away]
Alex: Jess, wait.
Rudy One: [Back at funeral wake observing women] Some of these are very vulnerable, mate, right? You know, they're weak, bit delicate. It's time for some sweet, sweet bereavement pussy. Hmm! Ooooh!
Finn: I dunno about this.
Rudy One: 'Course you don't. That's why you're still on that, innit?
Finn: Please stop flicking me.
Rudy One: Get your game face on. Hmm? Come on. Step up to the plate.
Finn: Hi, I'm Finn.
Woman: You've got something in your teeth.
Finn: [Reaches in mouth] Oh. [She walks away]
Rudy One: [Walks up to Nadine] It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.
Nadine: Mmm.
Finn: Tell you what, puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it?
Nadine: Yeah
Finn: Mmm. Actually, no. It doesn't. I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.
Rudy One: Ohh... Er... can I interest you in a dry sherry? [Nadine breaks out sobbing] What's the matter with you? Oi! Why are you getting upset?
Nadine: She was a good person. I'm gonna miss her.
Rudy One: Let me sort you out. Um... [grabs a napking] an I just take that, mate? Cheers. Sorry, dude. [Hands her napkin] There you are. Thank you. It's all right. You're probably gonna feel like this for a really long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realize that when you think about her, it's... it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of... just instead of it being so sad. I just think that's when you know you're all right. [Chuckles] You're right. It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral. Yes, I suppose it'd be... So... bit disrespectful if we were all... downing shots of vodka and getting nude. [Nadine laughs]
Nadine: Thank you.
Rudy One: That's all right.
Nadine: You've... You've cheered me up.
Rudy One: No worries.
Nadine: Can I ask... why have you got a number on your head?
Rudy One: Oh. It's a long story, really, that one. Very long.
Nadine: Nadine.
Rudy One: Oh, I'm Rudy. Sorry.
Nadine: How? How come I didn't see you at the funeral?
Rudy One: Er, I was, er, working.
Nadine: Where do you work?
Rudy One: At the community centre. Yeah, I'm a caretaker there. I like to give a bit back to to community, to kids...
Nadine: That's nice.
Rudy One: Mmm. Can I get you a drink, then?
Nadine: Yeah... okay.
Rudy One: Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine. Two dry sherries coming right this way.
Nadine: [Glances at clock] Is that the right time?
Rudy One: Eh?
Nadine: I have to go.
Rudy One: No, don't go. Please don't. I wasn't hitting on you. I wasn't, if that's what you thi... But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos... you're beautiful. It's... The numbers, though, they don't mean anything. And... And the 100 thing, I- I don't give a shit about, so... just stay and have a drink.
Nadine: It's been really nice meeting you.
Rudy One: Don't go. [Nadine leaves party] What? What the fuck was that?
Rudy One: You all right? How's it going?
Finn: It isn't.
Rudy One: I just met this girl who's really nice... and... different.
Finn: Great. I'm... I'm made up for you. You've finally found Miss 100. Maybe we should throw a little ceremony when you shag her, you know, bit of... bit of confetti...
Rudy One: Mmm.
Finn: Nice little trophy, ye-eah!
Rudy One: No. Wasn't like that. Wasn't like that. It was... it was something else, wasn't it? I've not... I never got her number. [Walks away]
Finn: [To self] Are we okay to mix sweet and savoury? It's just, I'm never sure.
Stephi: I think you'll be okay. [Finn turns to her] You have nice eyes. [Bites into pickle]
Rudy One: [Being chased by Killer White Rabbit Man in hallway and eludes it narrowly in elevator pushing out its weapon golf club] Piss off, rabbit bastard!
Stephi: Fuck me harder.
Finn: Really?
Stephi: Yeah.
Finn: 'Cause I'm already fucking you pretty hard, to be honest with you. I'm reluctant to fuck you any harder.
Stephi: Oh, yeah, that's it, come on!
Finn: That's about as hard as I can fuck.
Stephi: Oh, shut up.
Finn: Yep... Shut up.
Finn: Are you okay? I didn't... I didn't wanna do any damage down there.
Stephi: That's good.
Finn: Yeah?
Stephi: It's fine.
Rudy One: [Unveils himself from bedsides bed] Finlay!
Finn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!
Rudy One: We've got major problems, mate.
Finn: Well, can't it wait?
Rudy One: No, it can't bleedin' wait! I've had to wait for you to ejaculate.
Finn: What more d'you want?
Rudy One: You get your shit together, right? Finlay!
Finn: [Walking out in hallway] What kind of rabbit?
Rudy One: I don't know what kind of fucking rabbit. They're all the same.
Finn: Well, actually they're not. Well, you've got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora...
Rudy One: Shut up, be quiet. It is a psycho rabbit and it is wearing a suit and it's got a golf club. That's all I know.
Finn: Right. Did it have a silky coat?
Rudy One: Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit. That's all I know.
Finn: Right, okay. Did it have a silky coat?
Rudy One: [Slapping Finn's shoulders] Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit! Seriously, man, be quiet! Fuck! We've gotta find the others!
Finn: Sorry.
Rudy One: All right. No... No, I'm gonna have to tool up. [slips keys off key ring as a weapon] Gonna have to... [chuckles] just gonna put 'em like that. See? Another one through there. Pshhew!
Finn: Ah!
Rudy One: [Strokes Finn's face with keys] Let's do it. [Walks away]
Finn: Hang on, I want one!
Rudy One: [Walks back] Attempts to slip off a key] Come... Come on, mate. Honest to God, do not have time for this sort of shenanigary, do we? If I could just get my finger under there, it wouldn't be so bad, but... I can't get it off, mate. [Walks away, repeatedly] You'll be all right... [Finn follows']
Finn: Fuck!
Will: Sorry, but I need to ask... Why have you got a "2" on your head?
Jess: What, you've never seen a girl with a number drawn on her head? It's a fashion thing, you should try it.
Will: You think so?
Jess: You could definitely carry off a number, something like... a... 7'? Maybe a 9.
Alex: Jess, can I talk to you?
Jess: Not now.
Alex: There's something I need to tell you.
Jess: Fine, go ahead.
Alex: Can we go somewhere a bit more quiet?
Jess: Why? So you can just fuck me about and drop me when you feel like it?
Will: Um... See you later.
Jess: Mmm. Great. Thanks. So, let me guess. You don't want me but no-one else can have me either? I had you so wrong. I thought you were this lovely, genuine guy. You're just like all the others.
Finn: Hey. You're okay!
Nadine: Why wouldn't I be?
Finn: You were kind of out of it. We... We found you out in the hallway.
Nadine: Right. You the one that put me in the toilet?
Finn: Yeah, I- I... I felt bad just leaving you there like that.
Nadine: Didn't touch me up or anything while you were moving me? Bit of the old side boob?
Finn: No. God, no. No.
Nadine: Then why are my knickers on inside out?
Rudy One: [Slaps Finn's head] You...!
Finn: I- I- I didn't do anything. I didn't.
Nadine: Tell that to the judge.
Rudy One: Oh, Finlay!
Finn: Oh, my God. I never... [splutters]
Rudy One: I'm joking. [She and Rudy One laugh] Hey!
Nadine: No. No, th... Thanks a lot.
Finn: Anyway, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Rudy One: Yeah. [Grabs Finn and pulls him away]
Nadine: Have a good night.
Rudy One: Nice one. [To Alex] Hey, come on, drink up. We're goin'.
Alex: Why?
Rudy One: Because there's a giant white rabbit out there who's wearing a suit, he's got a golf club, and he's... goin' round killing people.
Alex: What rabbit?
Rudy One: What is wrong with you both? It's just a fucking rabbit! I told you!
Rudy One: Fuck me!
Richard: I told you he was out there.
Rudy One: Told me what?
Richard: The white rabbit. I said he was coming for us.
Rudy One: Richard, did you do this? Is this your rabbit, mate?
Richard: I haven't done any in a while. I didn't think it was gonna happen again.
Finn: Done what?
Richard: The storm. I dropped some acid and it got bad. It got really fucking bad.
Rudy One: [Leans into Richard] Mate, did you shit yourself? Dude, did you shit yourself? This hallucination... shat himself.
Richard: The white rabbit, it's become real!
Rudy One: Hang on a minute, so you've taken acid, there's now a giant white rabbit with a golf club and no-one's shat themselves, that's good.
Alex: We need to find Jess.
Finn: I thought she was with you.
Alex: She stormed off.
Finn: She... Well, we need to find her.
Rudy One: Oh, fuck!
[Jess is in hallway]
Finn: She's not in the bathroom.
Rudy One: Listen, she's bloody gone home. She'll be on the couch, all curled up, Maltesers, watching a film about boys.
Alex: Look, we need to find her.
Finn: You need to find her. This is your fault.
Alex: How's this my fault?
Finn: She was with you, then we come back and she's gone, so what happened?
Alex: Nothing happened.
Rudy One: Look, just stop. Me and Finn are gonna go and have a look at the funeral. Just ask around, man.
Finn: Fine, but if we're going out there, I want me own keys.
Rudy One: Really?! Fuck!
Nadine: [Leans into inebriated woman] There's a rabbit out there, a fucking big one, and he's got this girl... [turns off music player and party stops dancing and turns to her]
Woman 1: Oi!
Man: Who did that?!
Woman 2: What you fuckin' doing, man?
Nadine: Okay... um... Sorry to break up this whole party thing, but I think I have something quite important to say. There's a white rabbit out there and he's fucking weird and... he's got this girl and she's unconscious, and I feel like maybe we should be doing something.
Alex: What does she look like?
Nadine: You saw it too? Where did he take her?
Alex: He dragged her into the lift. She was bleeding. It looked pretty scary.
Alex: [Pushes elevator button] What the fuck's wrong with this thing?
Finn: Calm down, I'm sure she's okay.
Nadine: I dunno, mate. She looked in a pretty bad way.
Rudy One: [All go in elevator] Hang... Hang on! Whoa, whoa. Just stop, hang on. Hang on. We don't even know where he's taken her, do we? [Nadine wipes off blood of basement floor button] Eh? Oh, she's in the fucking basement. Brilliant.
Rudy One: [Leaving elevator, to Nadine] Where you? Hey, whoa... You stay here, little lady. This is absolutely no place... man's work. It's dangerous. Right. Right, listen, right? Listen. [To Alex] You're gonna have to go down that way, we'll go down this way.
Alex: Why do I have to go on my own?
Finn: Because you're bigger than us.
Rudy One: [Whispers] Yes, he is bigger.
Abbey: [Fatally stabs Killer White Rabbit Man with screwdriver after fighting with Rudy, Finn and Alex] I'm Abbey, by the way. So, are we all gonna go on somewhere for a drink? Cos this rabbit-slaying's thirsty work.
Rudy One: [Comes across Richard curled up on stairs] So, here he is. Richard Saunders, honestly, what a complete cock-sucker. I fuckin' hate people who can't handle their drugs. [Kicks Richard waking him]
Finn: Shit party, by the way.
Alex: Really shit.
Jess: And next time, buy some fucking nibbles. Mmm!
Rudy One: [Lounging on rooftop] I can't stop thinking about her. I'm never gonna see her again.
Nadine: If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Rudy One: [Yeah, you're right. No. Ac... No, sorry, no. That's just... I think that's bullshit. I think that's just something people say when they can't think of anything else.
Finn: I shouldn't have done it. I was only trying to make her jealous and she didn't even notice.
Rudy One: Huh!
Finn: [Rubs forehead] When d'you think it'll come off?
Rudy One: Soon. [Chuckles] Soon... probably. [Rudy, Finn and Nadine all drink their beer cans simultaneously]
Jess: What's going on with us?
Alex: Hmm?
Jess: We need to talk, because I'm really confused. [Alex starts taking off pants] What are you doing?
Alex: [Shows her penis-absent crotch] I wanted to tell you. But I didn't think you'd understand.
Jess: What happened? Is that? Were... Were you born like that?
Alex: I was in a club. Someone stole it from me.
Jess: They... They stole it?
Alex: Yeah, it was a girl. A bloke. A transgender bloke. She wanted to be a man. She had a power. So she... took it from me. We... We swapped.
Jess: Holy shit!
Alex: My cock is out there somewhere. It's mine. And I'm gonna get it back. So now you know... why we can't be together. [They kiss passionately]

Episode 7

edit
Alex: [On phone] I want you to get back out there. I'll double your money, whatever it takes. Just find my cock!
Rudy One: [Watching pregnancy exercise class in atrium of community centre from upper floor] No. Dude, no, I'm not feeling it. It's like I'm fucking numb. It's like I'm paralyzed from me cock down over here...
Man: Ssh!
Rudy One: Listen, oi, you know me, usually I'd be all over that. This used to be me favourite bit. Look at 'em all, stretching out their fannies, all nice and wide with their big, swollen milky tits. You know, their vaginas, they have an expiry date, mate. You've got to get one last taste of that fruit before it goes off. Do you understand what I'm telling you? There's nothing worse than a mouldy piece of fruit. Especially peaches. But now, I'm not even interested, to be honest with you. I'll tell you why. Do you know why?
Finn: No.
Rudy One: Well, the girl from last night, Nadine, I can't get her out of me mind. What's it all about, really?
Finn: I think it means you really like her.
Rudy One: Fuck off!
Finn: We should get started.
Rudy One: Mm.
Rudy One: Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.
Finn: Balls on face?
Rudy One: Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.
Greg: [Walks in] Who the fuck are you?
Abbey: Abbey.
Greg: [To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?
Finn: No.
Greg: [Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.
Finn: I didn't touch her.
Greg: Better not have. What's she doing?
Finn: She's on community service.
Greg: Well, n- no- one told me.
Abbey: Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.
Greg: [Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.
Finn: How is that fair?
Greg: You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.
Abbey: What's all that about?
Rudy One: That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.
Abbey: Well, good look with it all.
Finn: What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.
Abbey: That's your problem.
Finn: Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.
Abbey: Where do I get a jumpsuit?
Rudy One: Ah, yes.
Finn: [Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.
Rudy One: Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?
Jess: Fuck off.
Finn: So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Jess: Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?
Abbey: No. Just pretending.
Rudy One: I just... I don't understand whether I'm... whether I'm just, I'm thinking about her because, you know, I know I'm never going to see her again.
Finn: What, like, when you go to a vending machine and there's no prawn cocktail crisps? And then alls you want is a packet of prawn-
Rudy One: Prawn cocktail crisps. Exactly, exactly that, man. Exactly that! [Pause] Fuck, and now all I can think about is prawn cocktail crisps, knobhead. [Long pause] Yeah, no, I'm still on prawn cocktail. Fuck it, I'm going to have to go and get some prawn cocktail crisps.
Rudy One: [Snatches phone from Jess] Whoa! Post-op transgender genitalia, what! God, man, I always knew there was summat dodgy going on behind that sweet little face of yours. Not this shit, though, dude. Not chicks with dicks.
Jess: Give it to me.
Rudy One: Eh?
Jess: Give it back.
Rudy One: To be honest with you, you've gone up in my estimation somehow.
Jess: I'm not looking at them to get turned on.
Rudy One: Shit, what are you going to do? Are you going to get a dick put on?
Jess: Yeah. That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to get a dick put on.
Rudy One: Se- Se... for serious?
Jess: Well, I've always wanted a dick so I just thought, "What am I waiting for, "let's get a dick."
Rudy One: Fuckin' hell! Ohh... that's amazing. So what do they do? I mean, do you buy a dick or does someone donate you one?
Jess: You have to order them. You just tell them what colour you want, how long you want it and you go for a couple of fittings and they just stitch it on.
Rudy One: That's amazing. Isn't it?
Jess: Hmm-mm.
Rudy One: I'm going to be honest with you, though, the thought of you with your big floppy cock has kind of put me off my prawn cocktail crisps a bit!
Jess: [Takes bag from him] I'll have them. Bastard.
Finn: Anyone fancy a drink?
Rudy One: I'm in. Let's drink to forget, drown me bloody sorrows.
Abbey: Just need a shit. I'll meet you down there.
Abbey: [Opens washroom stall to Tara] Sorry, are you using that?
Tara: I can't handle this. I can't even go to an antenatal class. How am I supposed to have a baby? I thought I could do it, but I can't.
Abbey: [Kneels down] Oh, it's a design fault. Why don't they give us bigger vaginas? I mean, how are you supposed to get something so big out of something so small? Apparently, they suck the life out of your tits, so, er, you can kiss them goodbye.
Tara: I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't...
Abbey: [Falls backwards and realizes she's instantly pregnant] What the fuck have you done to me?
Tara: I don't know. Um... I don't know. [Runs away]
Abbey: Wait!
Alex: Didn't think you'd come.
Jess: Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?
Alex: Well, it must have been weird for you.
Jess: It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.
Alex: Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.
Jess: So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]
Rudy One: I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.
Abbey: So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.
Rudy One: [Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]
Abbey: All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.
Finn: Well, what are you gonna do?
Abbey: Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.
Rudy One: [Sits at bar besides Jess] Hey, listen. If you ev... [slips and comes up] If you ever need any advice on dicks, or dick maintenance... shit, you know where I am.
Jess: Great, I will definitely take you up on that.
Rudy One: Not a problem. For example, I have a pretty brutal grooming regime. Moisturize my balls twice a day, keeps the wrinkles at bay. Constant battle, though. [Chuckles]
Jess: Wow. Please, talk to me more about your balls.
Rudy One: You're being sarcastic, aren't you? Fuckin'... I'm pretty... Are you being sarcastic? I'm pretty... pretty sure you're being sarcastic. What does the sexy barman think about all this?
Jess: Eh? About what?
Rudy One: About the old switcheroo. Fuckin' sex change.
Jess: He... He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know.
Rudy One: What do you... What do you mean? You're just gonna bloody surp... [looks over shoulder and back at her, in softer tone] you're just gonna surprise him? "Oh, fuckin' happy birthday. I've got a friggin' cock"? That is... That's horrible That's disgraceful. I've never heard anything like it in my life. I'm gonna tell him.
Jess: Don't you fucking dare!
Rudy One: Quickly tell him. Dude?
Jess: He's got... He's got a fanny.
Rudy One: What? [Scoffs and stammers] He's got a what?
Jess: A vagina.
Rudy One: What the fuck!
Jess: Someone stole it from him. [Rudy snorts] They did a swap.
Rudy One: Can't believe it. Alex the barman.
Jess: He's got a mangina. If you tell anyone, I will fuck you up. Do you understand me?
Abbey: [Walks up to pregnancy class director on laptop in community centre atrium] Quick thing. You know the girl who was here yesterday, the young one who was here on her own?
Pregnancy class director: Tara?
Abbey: Yeah. I need her address.
Pregnancy class director: Tara? Oh, I can't give out personal details.
Abbey: It's kind of important. I've got something that belongs to her.
Pregnancy class director: Well, you can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.
Abbey: Doesn't really work like that. Plus, I'd really like to give it to her myself.
Pregnancy class director: Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.
Abbey: [Sitting back next to Finn] Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives. Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car. Have you got a car?
Finn: Jess has got a car. A hatchback.
Abbey: I don't think she'd fit.
Finn: Well, what about the laptop?
Abbey: Yes. Good. Steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction.
Finn: I'll take care of this. [Holds out hand straining]
Abbey: Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? 'Cause I'm not sure that's gonna work. [Tips over pregnancy class director's coffee cup spilling on her who runs out] Oh, my... that's your power? You can spill cups of tea?
Finn: No, it... It's telekinesis. It's not exclusive to tea.
Abbey: [Picks up pregnancy class director's laptop] Let's go. [Walks to door just as Greg walks in]
Greg: [Walks up to Abbey] Where the fuck did that come from?
Abbey: What?
Greg: Did you... Did you have that before?
Abbey: Oh, that. No. That's new. Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me.
Greg: [Laughs] You think this is... funny? You see me laughing?
Finn: [Whispers] No.
Greg: [Leans into Finn] Is this yours? Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?
Finn: No. My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her.
Abbey: It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.
Rudy One: Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.
Abbey: [Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.
Jess: How'd you know it's a him?
Abbey: I don't know, just feels like a him.
Rudy One: I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.
Finn: No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?
Rudy One: What do you mean?
Finn: It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.
Rudy One: Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?
Finn: Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!
Jess: [Following Jess] What are you doing?
Abbey: I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.
Abbey: You can't keep somebody else's baby.
Abbey: What, you don't think I can look after it?
Finn: No, to be honest with you, not really.
Jess: Why would you even want another woman's baby?
Abbey: [Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.
Jess: What, are you like an orphan?
Abbey: No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.
Rudy One: D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.
Abbey: Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat
Alex: [Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]
Rudy One: [To Alex and Jess] You all right?
Finn: Look at 'em. The happy couple.
Abbey: Just forget about her.
Finn: I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.
Rudy One: [To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?
Finn: What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?
Abbey: He's got both, like a worm?
Rudy One: Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.
Finn: Are you sure about this?
Rudy One: Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.
Finn: [Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?
Finn: Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?
Rudy One: Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.
Abbey: So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.
Finn: Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]
Rudy One: Come on, mate. Eh?
Rudy One: [Walks into washroom to Finn at urinal] Mate, listen. I just... I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now. You know, the whole Jess thing?
Finn: Maybe I should just tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit.
Rudy One: Yeah, you're right. Of course I'm right. Oi. Check this out. Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses. [Pulls down jumpsuit with genitals tucked in legs] Who am I? [Imitates Alex] Ho-way! Y'all right? Oh, look at the state of that. I've got a lovely soft fanny. It's all soft and furry. Look at me little furry Virginia. Oh, it's like a little squirrels gone in there, give it a stroke. I want it to become my friend. I don't... Here he is! Big man. How you doing? You all ri... Oh. That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?
Alex: [Walks past Jess on bench] I can't believe you fucking told them!
Jess: Told them what? Alex!
Rudy One: [Standing in washroom with pants still pulled down and genitals tucked away] Ohh. I don't think he noticed. Think we got away with it. anyway- [Jess enters washroom and walks up to Rudy] oh, I'm sorry. I'm s... I'm s-s-sorry! I'm sorry! [Jess walks up to Rudy and punches him in abdomen] Uh! Oh! [Groans] Oh, this is a definite low point, man I can't...
Greg: You. I need your full name.
Abbey: What for?
Greg: You're not on the system. And if you're not on the system, then you don't exist.
Abbey: Fine. I'm Abbey. Abbey Smith.
Greg: I will not allow anarchy and chaos to overtake my community centre.
Alex: [Opens door to Mark] This better be good.
Mark: I know where it is. I know who's got your cock. [Alex looking over photograph in apartment] Apparently, she just turned up one night with a cock. No surgery, nothing.
Alex: What's her name?
Mark: She calls herself James. She hangs around in the karaoke bar on the estate.
Alex: [Hands over bundle of cash] There's half. You get the rest when I get it back.
Mark: [Alex picks up a gun] What are you doing? You never said anything about hurting anyone! [Shoves Alex]
Alex: Don't try and stop me! [Strikes Mark on head with gun knocking him out]
Abbey: Probation worker's looking me up on the system.
Finn: But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?
Abbey: I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.
Rudy One: All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!
Rudy One: So, what... Seriously, have you found me?
Nadine: You told me where you worked.
Rudy One: Yes, I did tell you where I... because it's the community centre, is where I am. Fucking caretaker of the community... Centre of the community. It's a thankless job, really. It's pre... It's pretty... It's pretty humble. I think it has its own... sort of quiet dignity to it, though.
Nadine: Anyway, do you feel okay?
Rudy One: Yeah, I'm all right. [Strainedly, does a-okay sign] I'm absolutely tiptop. Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos... Fuck! Uh! [Runs away]
Rudy Two: What are you playing at, man? You're messing this up.
Rudy One: What, no, I'm not, dude. I'm trying... I'm trying.
Rudy Two: You're not, you're being weird. What's all this? [Mockingly displays a-okay sign]
Rudy One: You know, honestly, I like this one. She's amazing.
Rudy Two: Whoa, hey, whoa. What do you mean? What do you... What you on about, you fancy her or summat?
Rudy One: Yeah, think I do, yeah. Right, well, she's mine, so back off. You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal. Why don't you get it? This is the one girl we can both agree on. We could both be happy here.
Rudy Two: This is why you can't afford to fuck this up.
Rudy One: Shit, man, help me out. I'm getting all nervous around her and...
Rudy Two: Be straight with her, yeah? And no bullshit. You know, just for once in your life, you need to talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat.
Rudy One: [Nadine runs away from Rudy] Please don't go. Don't. Don't. Nadine. Fucking... Nadine!
Finn: How did it go?
Rudy One: It was amazing and then she's... she ran away... again. She left her bag. Shit!
Rudy One: Why does she keep running off, then?
Finn: Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.
Rudy One: Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!
Abbey: Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!
Rudy One: [See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.
Finn: [Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...
Jess: I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.
Finn: To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.
Jess: Why are you being such a prick?
Finn: Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.
Rudy One: Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?
Abbey: It's the werewolf thing, I told you.
Finn: Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.
Rudy One: [Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
Abbey: Ah. Yep. Looks like it.
Finn: I'm just gonna call her back.
Rudy One: What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?
Finn: [Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.
Jess: Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
Rudy One: Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?
Jess: Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?
Abbey: He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.
Jess: We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.
Rudy One: Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.
Alex: Where is she? Where has she gone?
Greg: [Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.
Abbey: Is that the probation worker?
Alex: [Pointing gun at James abdomen] Get it out! I want to see it!
James: I don't know what you're talking about!
Alex: Get your dick out right now! [James whips out Alex's penis] That's mine! You stole it from me, you piece of shit!
James: Look, I had to, there was no other way.
Alex: I swear to God, it better be okay. If I find out you've been putting it anywhere that you shouldn't have been...
James: It's not about that, it's not about sex.
Jess: Alex. Look at me. Let's just calm down, yet? I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up everything you've already got.
James: [Holds shattered bottle to Alex's penis] Right, drop the gun or I'll do it. I'll fucking cut it.
Alex: Don't you fucking dare!
James: I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. You've got five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One... [Alex points gun at head]
Jess: What are you doing?!
Alex: I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. You're all laughing at me. I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything. And I can't live without my cock. I don't wanna live like this any more.
James: [Drops bottle on ground] Oh, don't. Just... Look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just did what I had to do. 'Cause all my life, it's all I've wanted. I don't want it. Not like this. [James inserts hand into Alex's pants and returns his penis]
Abbey: That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.
Greg: What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?
Finn: I like... I like karaoke, too.
Abbey: See you tomorrow, then.
Rudy One: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]
Abbey: [Walks into community centre] Oh, yeah? So, what have you come to give me this time? Twins?
Tara: Look, I know what you might think of me. That I'm a shit mum, but... I got scared. I've really missed him.
Abbey: Too late. You didn't want him.
Tara: Jake. That's what I was gonna call him. I thought I couldn't do it, and I probably can't, but I've got to try. And since he's been gone, he's all I can think about. He is the only thing I've got.
Abbey: You'd better fucking look after him. If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker, I will kick your arse.
Finn: What happened to the baby?
Abbey: I gave him back.
Jess: Are you okay?
Abbey: Fine.
Rudy One: Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
Abbey: So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
Finn: Where you going?
Abbey: That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
Greg: [Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
Rudy One: [To Abbey scooping up dog shit] So, this is ironic, innit?
Abbey: Maybe it's meant to be. I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It's all part of some big cosmic plan.
Jess: [To Abbey] You just stepped in some dog shit!

Episode 8

edit
Nun: [To Nadine at altar in congregation room] There's a young man here to see you. He says he has your bag.
Nadine: You can send him in.
Nun: Be careful, Nadine.
Nadine: [Under breath] Shit.
Rudy One: Sound Of Music.go
Nun: What about it?
Rudy One: It had a nun in it. And it was a great film, weren't it? [Clears throat] Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F... Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it. I'm getting... I'm an idiot.
Nun: Nadine will see you now.
Rudy One: Penguins. Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures. So... all right. [Does dance by Bert from Mary Poppins] Brrr! [Quacks] Happy Feet, innit? [Laughs]
Nun: It's not funny.
Rudy One: It's just an 'abit. Habit! 'Cause you... no? Ohh. [Nun closes door to congregational room and Rudy sees Nadine, exhales] So. As it turns out, you're a nun. [Laughs] A... A nun. I'd have never seen that comin'. [Laughs]
Nadine: I wanted to tell you. I didn't know what to do.
Rudy One: Yeah, you and this nun thing... what does that mean... for me and you, and... us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing, or...
Nadine: I've given myself to Jesus.
Rudy One: Y- Yeah. But... you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, 'cause... I'd settle for being your booty call!
Nadine: I can't see you again. I'm sorry.
Rudy One: It's... It's all right. So... I understand that's a good decision. I never meant for this to happen. It's all right. It's fine. It's Jesus. [Laughs] He's the Son of God. I'm just a dickhead. With a big mouth. And a bag, which is yours. You left it. I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh? [Hangs bag from a hand of outstretched arms of Jesus] She's all yours. Just be nice. She's special, this one.
Nadine: Rudy. [Stifles tears]
Rudy One: They should call it Sad Feet. [Walks away]
Nun: [To Nadine watching Rudy walk away] You must never see him again. It's too dangerous.
Alex: I think it's bigger. Like maybe the whole... swapping thing... stretched it.
Jess: Well, I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. You probably have a lot to talk about.
Alex: It's definitely longer.
Rudy One: [Praying at apartment window] The Lord... giveth... and your boy takes awayeth. Sometimes the... taking away feels a little bit... more than the giving, but...
Finn: [Enters] What you doing?
Rudy One: I am praying, dude. I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can... express my physical love for her in a... beautiful... union of our two genitals. [Does hand motions] Amen.
Finn: What, and God, he's taking these kind of requests, is he?
Rudy One: If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean?
Finn: I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun, it's not really something...
Rudy One: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.
Finn: What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.
Rudy One: Yeah, well, don't say anything.
Finn: I'm not.
Rudy One: Well, that's good. 'Cause in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, but judge what he could have done if he was a different bloke altogether. "For art thou a leper... and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn."
Finn: I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
Rudy One: That's the same difference.
Finn: No, it isn't.
Rudy One: It... It is. Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, 'cause I am gonna go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything... ever. What a sweet deal. Innit?
Finn: So when are you doing this, then, this... confessin'?
Rudy One: Lunchtime.
Greg: [To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?
Abbey: Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Jess: Fuck you!
Abbey: He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.
Finn: Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?
Abbey: And him... He's in love with a nun.
Rudy One: I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Abbey: Which is always going to end up badly.
Rudy One: Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?
Greg: [Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?
Abbey: I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
Greg: You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.
Jess: Why are you looking at him like that?
Finn: It's like a weight's been lifted. Or reattached. I'm talkin' about his cock.
Jess: Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?
Finn: I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
Jess: If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? 'Cause he's working. And there's probably... a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks. Well, there should be.
Jess: [Referring to Abbey flirting with Alex] Look at her. This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's just an excuse to be an enormous slut.
Finn: I like her.
Jess: Do you fancy her?
Finn: Why do you care?
Jess: I don't.
Finn: All right, well, that's... all worked out very nicely, hmm? Um... I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Sarah: [Talking to Alex] Okay... I'll see you later. [Walks away]
Finn: She seems nice.
Alex: She's a friend.
Finn: Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.
Alex: Do yourself a favour. Mind your own fuckin' business. [Walks up porch steps]
Finn: Maybe I'll make it my business. Maybe... I should go into the business of making your business... my business, and... and then we'll see whose b... business it is. [Alex jerks head forward startling Finn, then Alex chuckles and walks away]
Alex: Pfff.
Nun: Nadine? It's Nadine. She's gone.
Rudy One: [At urinal, repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace. [To Rudy Two] Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these, you. Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Rudy Two: Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins?
Rudy One: Because, dude, you're a twat! You're a miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Rudy Two: Do you know, honestly... do you honestly believe that God's gonna let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
Rudy One: The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
Rudy Two: He said you were gonna burn in hell.
Rudy One: Yeah, and I chose to ignore that. I'll tell you something right now, fella. Would it kill you to have a little bit of friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I I- I cannot get her out of me mind. It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
Rudy Two: Nadine!
Rudy One: All right!
Rudy Two: Nadine!
Rudy One: That's enough! Fuck, it's torture! Come on, let's just do it. Let's get it out the way. Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Rudy Two: Oh, ridiculous. [Repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace.
Nadine: Rudy. Rudy?
Rudy Two: Hail Marying worked. There is a friggin' God. See it up top there. [Holds up hand for high five with Rudy Two ignores]
Rudy One: Just... whatever. How's me hair? Is it all right? [Rudy Two reaches out which Rudy One swipes down] Just get off... No, get off, it's fine. Get in here, come on. She doesn't need to see this freak show. Come on.
Rudy Two: No, I thought you were gonna be honest with her.
Rudy One: Define "honest".
Rudy Two: Telling the truth.
Rudy One: Ohh... D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't. I do not, not at all. Get in! [They morph singularly]
Nadine: Do you wanna hear a joke?
Rudy One: Yeah.
Nadine: What's black and white and red all over? [Pause] Nun in a blender. [They laugh]
Rudy One: Erm, all right. All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red?
Nadine: Nun killing a penguin.
Rudy One: Hey! Respect, mate! You know your nun jokes!
Nadine: All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cunt! Ahh. Shit.
Nadine: What?
Rudy One: Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing. I'm... It's... nothing's... nothing's musty.
Nadine: Why would it be musty?
Rudy One: Urn... Probably... underuse... or just a lack of air circulation... resulting in... general mustiness.Forgive me, Father, I have... Love, I have sinned.
Nadine: I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
Rudy One: No, you... you don't understand. I... I've-I've... I've done terrible, horrible, vile things. I have had sexual relations with women up the... what do your nuns called the arse?
Nadine: The a... up the anus! Rudy.
Rudy One: I have had a... a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
Nadine: I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
Rudy One: No, you don't understand. I have... I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
Nadine: Don't.
Rudy One: I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner. I have violated myself with a fucking king-size... [Nadine grabs him in passionate kissing] Mars bar. I don't care. I don't care what you've done in your past. You've got a good heart. I promised myself to God. I was prepared to dedicate my life to him. I see things. Violence and cruelty and suffering. Sometimes I question his existence. Then I met you. I've never felt like this.
Nadine: Doubted my faith even more.
Rudy One: I'm not... I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything. I'll share you with God. He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
Nadine: He does like his Sundays.
Rudy One: Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of week. How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella?
Nadine: I think he's cool with it.
Rudy One: That's settled, then. Forgive me, I'm gonna have to nip to the... What do... nuns call the toilet?
Nadine: They call it the toilet.
Rudy One: Brilliant.
Nadine: You can talk how you normally talk.
Rudy One: Well... in that case, I'm gonna go for an enormous fucking shit.
Nadine: Let's stick to "toilet".
Rudy One: All right, no, fair enough. I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now, you know.
Nadine: Oh!
Rudy One: [Doing prayer in front of washroom mirror] It's... It's me, Rudy, Lord. I... I just want you to know that I'm gonna take good care of her and... God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her. For I am a sheep. And you're a shepherd. And... a sheep... always keeps his promises. So, amen. Oh, and if you could do anything about me bowels an' all, please, that would be very much appreciated, as I am shitting elephants. Amen. Fuck.
Rudy One: [Finn enters room after Nadine been kidnapped by her convent sister nuns] Have you seen my nun?
Finn: No.
Rudy One: Is she here?
Finn: Please tell me you didn't?
Rudy One: You did, didn't you?
Finn: No...
Rudy One: No, no, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take. Honestly... [Points and looks up] Have you done this?! You've... You've done this! You've... You've built up my dreams and y- y- you've crushed 'em! You're not a shepherd! You're a friggin' penis, sir!
Finn: You can't call God a penis!
Rudy One: Oh. Shit, fucking! [Smashes TV set with a baseball bat]
Finn: That's my fucking TV!
Rudy One: Well, we're just gonna have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay! Shit! God, what a bell-end!
Rudy One: [In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
Finn: You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
Rudy One: Yeah. Point being...
Jess: So, there is a point?
Rudy One: Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Finn: Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Rudy One: Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
Abbey: You've gotta fight for her.
Jess: [Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
Abbey: I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Finn: Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Jess: You are such a bitch.
Abbey: Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
Rudy One: No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Greg: Where the fuck do you think you're going?
Rudy One: I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
Greg: What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
Rudy One: No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
Greg: [Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
Rudy One: Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
Rudy One: [At door of Nadine's convent] Um... Please, let me see her. I just wanna talk to her.
Nun: She doesn't want to see you.
Rudy One: I wanna talk to her. I just wanna see her, that's all.
Nun: You have to go. Go. [Attempts to close door with Rudy's foot obstructing]
Rudy One: Nadine! That is my foot! You're being a really mean nun. You are a very mean nun. You... are a dick! Fucking nasty bastards! Shit! Oh, fuck. [Sees Nadine in a glass sunroom and runs to her] Nadine! [Two nuns manhandle her away] No, no...! Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her?! Fucking nuns are full of shit! Nadine, I'm coming for you. Nadine! You can't stop us being together, you know. I'm gonna c... Fuck.
Rudy One: [On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?
Jess: Are you sure that's her motivation?
Rudy One: It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
Abbey: That what you were just doing in the toilets?
Finn: No.
Rudy One: Fuck.
Finn: I mean, what are we talking about?
Rudy One: Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.
Finn: That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Rudy One: Did I?
Finn: Yeah.
Rudy One: Yeah, and why did I do that?
Finn: Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.
Rudy One: That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]
Finn: So, what the plan?
Rudy One: Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.
Jess: Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
Finn: I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Rudy One: Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
Jess: So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.
Abbey: You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.
Finn: You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]
Rudy One: Piece of cake.
Abbey: You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Rudy One: [Headbutts a nun in hallway] Oh, no. That's really bad. Mmm!
Jess: You just head-butted a nun.
Rudy One: Hail Mary, full of grace...
Abbey: It's fine. She's... She's an evil bitch nun! [Gut kicks the nun]
Finn: I don't care how evil and bitchy she is. I'm not... I'm not kicking a nun. That's seven years' bad luck.
Nadine: Rudy?
Rudy: Nadine!
Nadine: I'm in here.
Rudy: [Busts open door] I'm here to rescue you from the clutches of the evil bitch nuns. Get back! Come on, we've gotta go. [Takes her hand and they run away]
Alex: [Opens door to Jess holding a beer bottle] I- I- I thought you were on your community service.
Jess: We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun. Some other evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner. [Referring to beer] You got another one of those?
Sarah: [From bedroom] Alex. [Jess walks past Alex]
Alex: Jess.
Jess: You fucking prick.
Sarah: Who's she?
Jess: I thought I was his girlfriend.
Alex: I'm... I'm sorry. [Reaches for her hand]
Jess: Don't fucking touch me! [Shoves, walks past and slaps Alex]
Alex: Jess.
Sarah: You've got a girlfriend?! Yeah, you're so full of shit!
Abbey: [Sitting on couch in Finn's community centre room] You need a new TV.
Finn: Yeah, I'm aware of that. [Abbey grabs his crotch and he coughs on his beer]
Abbey: That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Finn: Do I wanna fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that's a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well, two answers.
Abbey: Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess?
Finn: Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's... There's no feelings. Not on her part. It's your call.
Abbey: Let me know when you make your decision.
Finn: Are you saying you like me?
Abbey: Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It's a process of elimination. And they said romance is dead. If you don't want to, that's cool.
Finn: That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty... you, let's just... weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry. Okay. Yeah, let's fuck.
Finn: Mmm?
Abbey: Hmm-mm. You can start by rubbing my tit.
Finn: Any particular one?
Abbey: You choose. [Finn rubs her left breast] Mmm.
Finn: [After a session] So, am I the one?
Abbey: Technically it really wasn't too bad. It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Finn: Really?
Abbey: Yeah. It's always like that. But look on the bright side. At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Finn: Mmm. So, is that it?
Abbey: Looks that way. [She grabs his hand and they shake hands]
Finn: Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Abbey: Why would there be any paperwork?
Finn: Forget it.
Abbey: For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
Jess: [Finn opens door to her] What's going on?
Abbey: It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Finn: Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
Jess: That doesn't even mean anything.
Finn: Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
Abbey: No. Didn't do anything for me either.
Jess: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Abbey: I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
Jess: You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
Abbey: I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
Finn: You like me?
Alex: [Comes in front door] Jess.
Jess: Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
Alex: I'm sorry.
Finn: What did you do to her?
Alex: You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Jess: Just fuck off!
Finn: You heard her! Go!
Alex: Seriously, get out my face.
Finn: [Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
Abbey: I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Jess: Why don't you just fuck off?
Alex: Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Jess: Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
Alex: Jess. Stop. Jess.
Abbey: You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Jess: Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
Rudy One: [Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
Nadine: No.
Rudy One: What's that?
Nadine: It's them.
Jess: Who?
Nadine: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Finn: Seriously?
Nadine: When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
Abbey: So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
Rudy One: I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
Rudy One: [Spots the four harbringer on BMX bikes on a hill] Shit!
Nadine: They're coming for us.
Jess: But they haven't even got horses!
Finn: Who has a horse around here? I suppose the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse doesn't quite have the same ring to it. [The four harbringers chase the community servers]
Finn: [In community centre] Shit! He's cut me! I'm dying!
Alex: It's just a graze, man!
Finn: Oh' What' so YOU'RE a doctor now?!
Rudy One: Shut up!
Finn: Abbey, are you okay?
Abbey: I was so scared. Shit-my-knickers terrified. As he was about to kill me, I've never felt so alive.
Alex: [Hiding in locker room] I'm sorry.
Jess: You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.
Nadine: This is why we can never be together. It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
Rudy One: No, listen, sweetheart, listen, stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Don't say those things. We are gonna sort this out, we're gonna deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're gonna fix your power, then we are going on holiday, 'cause I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
Finn: [Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
Jess: My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
Finn: I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
Abbey: I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
Jess: There is one way to make them disappear.
Rudy One: Right, well, that sounds good. How?
Jess: If she dies, they die. It's her power.
Nadine: They're right.
Rudy One: No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
Nadine: It's my fault. I brought them here.
Rudy One: No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Finn: Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
Jess: We go out there and we face them together.
Finn: Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
Rudy One: One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
Nadine: You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Finn: Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
Rudy One: I'm gonna go and get the straws.
Nadine: I'm really glad I met you.
Rudy One: What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
Rudy One: I really loved her, you know?
Finn: I know. I know you did.
Rudy One: This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
Abbey: At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
Rudy One: No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Jess: Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
Finn: [Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Rudy One: Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
Jess: Why's that?
Rudy One: Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
Jess: I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
Rudy One: What's the chance of it happening again, really?
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