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Misfits (TV series)/Season 2

Season 1 2 3 4 5 Main

Misfits is a British black comedy-drama series about a group of young offenders forced to work in a community service programme, where they attain preternatural powers after a strange electrical storm. The first series started broadcasting on 12 November 2009 on E4 and the finale aired on 11 December 2013, and was produced by Clerkenwell Films.

Episode 1

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Curtis: It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?
Kelly: Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.
Simon: I... I don't think you should slap them.
Curtis: To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]
Kelly: Are you trying to say something, yeah?
Curtis: No.
Alisha: [Shaun appears from door] Who are you?
Shaun: I'm your new probation worker.
Alisha: What happened to the other one?
Shaun: Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]
Curtis: That's different.
Curtis: [In main area of recreation centre filled with art enthusiasts] Who are they?
Shaun: It's an art therapy class.
Alisha: Er, you mean they're mentals?
Shaun: D'you want to say that a bit louder? I don't think the weird-looking one at the back heard you. Look, just try and treat them with some sensitivity and respect.
[They've brought up Nathan's coffin and take off lid to see a unresponsive Nathan]
Curtis: He's dead.
Kelly: I heard him. I think he was knocking one out.
Simon: That does sound like him.
Alisha: Maybe you just wanted to hear him. He's gone.
Nathan: [Kelly leans down to poke Nathan's chin and he leaps up in the coffin with all Misfits around him reacting startled] AH...!
Curtis: What the fuck!?
Nathan: Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey, guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I told you I had a power. Oh! Looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality. That's off the A list.
Kelly: You stupid wanker!
Nathan: Ow! Stop hitting me!
Kelly: I thought you were dead!
Nathan: [Voice of thought] I thought I'd never see her again.
Kelly: So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.
Alisha: Were you having a wank in there?
Nathan: So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors. And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof of the community centre?
Simon: I was trying to save you.
Nathan: Well, you failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?
Simon: D'you want some chewing gum?
Nathan: Tutti frutti?
Simon: I like it.
Nathan: Man, that was a bad scene in there. I thought I was going to starve to death.
Curtis: You're immortal, you can't starve to death.
Nathan: You're an expert, are you?
Kelly: So, what are you going to do now?
Nathan: I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal. Catch you later? [Walks away]
Nathan: [In recreation centre locker room] So, my mum opens the door and she's like, "Argh!" I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted. Faceplants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she all right?
Nathan: Yeah, she's fine. She's fine. Apart from the whole face. Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.
Kelly: How did you explain it to your dad?
Nathan: I told him I faked my own death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.
Shaun: [Walks in] Who are you?
Nathan: I could ask you the same thing.
Shaun: I'm the probation worker.
Nathan: Oh. [Offers handshake] Nathan. Nathan Young.
Shaun: They told me you were dead.
Nathan: Really? [Takes pulse on neck] Apparently not. Could a dead man do this? [Starts dancing and bumps into locker door] Oh! Jesus!
Shaun: Well, I'll put you back in the system.
Nathan: Hold on. What? Are you saying I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up here, no-one would've come looking for me?
Shaun: We thought you were dead. [Walks away]
Curtis: You prick.
Kelly: [To Curtis attacking Nathan] You hit him again, I'll kick your balls back into your stomach, mate.
Kelly: [Lifts open bag to discover Sally's body] Is that the probation worker?
Curtis: You killed her?
Simon: She was after us. She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker. She found out about us killing him.
Alisha: What, so you kill her? That's brilliant! Problem solved!
Simon: She was going to the police. I didn't mean to kill her. It was an accident.
Nathan: You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it. [Walks away]
Kelly: Don't walk away! This is on all of us!
Curtis: I thought we were through with this shit! [All community servers turn to washroom door at sound of toilet flushing]
Nathan: [Comes out of washroom] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
Simon: That wasn't Nathan?
Curtis: Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Nathan: Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
Alisha: Who was that just now?
Simon: I think it's a shape shifter. They can take on other people's appearance. I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
Curtis: You should probably watch more science fiction, might actually figure out what's going on round here.
Nathan: So that wasn't you who said those very hurtful things about the size of my cock?
Kelly: What? No!
Nathan: Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a... huge fanny. There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
Simon: We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
Nathan: "Monkey slut".
Alisha: We're not having "monkey slut" as a password!
Nathan: What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?
Kelly: Just go with it. "Monkey slut". [Nathan raises a fist in agreement]
Curtis: We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.
Alisha: It's the new probation worker. It's always the probation worker.
Nathan: That dead chick was the other probation worker's fiancée. What if this new one's his brother?
Simon: He's white. Tony was black.
Nathan: Er, adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.
[Lucy appears unexpecting to see the community servers]
Simon: Lucy?
Alisha: Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]
Nathan: Hey!
Shaun: [Appears] I will see you tomorrow.
Nathan: [Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.
Shaun: What?
Nathan: Kelly!
Kelly: [Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]
Nathan: Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]
Shaun: Bastards!
Nathan: She's got me! Get her off me!
Simon: Let go!
Shaun: [Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!
Kelly: Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]
Simon: [Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.
Kelly: Oh, fuck.
Curtis: We've killed him!
Nathan: Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!
Curtis: You're immortal!
Simon: I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.
Nathan: There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?
Alisha: I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]
Nathan: Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!
Curtis: Wait!
Shaun: Right. I will see you tomorrow.
Nathan: Good one! Very convincing!
Curtis: [Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!
Shaun: What? What's going on?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]
Curtis: [After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?
Simon: [Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!
Nathan: Get some cheese!
Kelly: Are you fuckin' serious?
Simon: You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treated me? All the names you've called me?
Nathan: What names?
Simon: Weird kid. Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat. Pervert. Paedophile. Melon fucker. ...I just want to be your friend.
Nathan: Sure, man.
Alisha: You just know Curtis is going to get all freaked out over the whole... [refers to fellatio with wrench] it wasn't even me!
Kelly: Yeah. One of my exes was watching a porno, yeah?
Alisha: Hmm.
Kelly: He saw a girl who looked like me getting shagged by a load of dwarfs.
Alisha: Hmm.
Kelly: Did his head in. And that was it. Over.
Alisha: Huh.
Nathan: So, basically, he's had a blow job off your girlfriend and you haven't?
Curtis: Shut up, man. It wasn't her.
Nathan: It looked like her.
Curtis: It wasn't her!
Nathan: It had her mouth.
Curtis: It wasn't her brain!
Nathan: Who cares about her brain when your balls are resting on her chin?
Curtis: [Points hurling stick in Nathan's face] Say another word! I dare you! Do it!
Nathan: I didn't do anything! [Refers to Simon] Be angry with him!
Simon: I didn't know what was happening. She just... Then she... before I knew it, she was-
Nathan: Sucking your cock!
Curtis: You didn't know it wasn't Alisha! You should've stopped her!
Nathan: C'mon, man! Be serious! That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless! That's how girls trick you into marrying them!
Alisha: [Commenting on Nathan's impalement on a pipe] Does that hurt?
Nathan: Only when I breathe [pause] ergh...
Nathan: The bad news is, the mental girl, she knows the password. “Monkey slut” is blown.
Simon: [Affected by Alisha's power] I wanna rub my cock in your hairy armpit!
Alisha: Happy now?
Nathan: Cock. Armpit. It wasn't pretty.
Nathan: [Simon gets hit] BARRY...!
Nathan: Don't worry about me. I'll just die... again.
Lucy: Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you?
Simon: [Nods] For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never been this happy.
Lucy: You should have visited me.
Simon: I couldn't go back to the unit. I can't go back.
Lucy: It's where you belong.
Simon: I'm not that person any more. I like who I am now. Don't take that away from me.
Nathan: That stuff I said about your... huge vagina. I didn't mean it. I'm sure it's a beauty.
Kelly: It's stuff you say all the time. It's just who you are.
Nathan: [Simon lifts freezer to show Sally dead] Hmm... So sad.... Oh, hey, man, Cornettos!
Nathan: I'm gonna join the circus. They can throw knives at me - people pay good money to see that shit. And then I'm making serious cash. And where the cash goes, the pussy follows. No offence, ladies.

Episode 2

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Nathan: I haven't got a brother. I'm a classic example of an only child.
Nathan: I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.
Alisha: What?!
Simon: I don't think you should do that.
Nathan: We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.
Curtis: And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?
Nathan: They did it in The Godfather.
Simon: They put a horse's head in the bed.
Nathan: Well, have you got a horse's head?
Mike: Why did you hit me?
Nathan: Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!
Jamie: Tell him.
Nathan: Okay, look. I know it's too late for me and you. I get that. I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!
Mike: What paedophile?!
Nathan: My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?
Mike: I don't remember that!
Nathan: How very convenient.
Mike: It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!
Nathan: No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs!
Nathan: This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off. That's fine! Whatever...
Mike : Nathan...
Nathan: And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear!
Mike: Jamie's dead!
Nathan: [Scoffs] He's standing right there!
Mike: What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I've just had to go and identify his body. [telephone rings] Look, this is his mother. I've gotta talk to her.
Nathan: You're dead?
Jamie: Yeah.
Nathan: So how come I can see you?
Jamie: I guess it's 'cause you're immortal?
Nathan: No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no, I can fix this! How do I fix this?
Jamie: You can't.
Nathan: I don't want you to die, mate!
Jamie: It wasn't down to you. So don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!
Nathan: So, if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly?
Jamie: I wanted you to sort things out with dad.
Nathan: Look, no offence, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!

Episode 3

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Shaun: Right. Put all this shit in that skip.
Curtis: Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?
Shaun: Put all this shit in that skip, please.
Nathan: Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.
Shaun: I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]
Kelly: Er, where are you going?
Shaun: For a coffee and a Danish.
Nathan: Smug bastard.
Curtis: [Nikki leaves her flat] I just want to talk to you.
Nikki: Really?! "Cause I thought you might want to break into my flat and shit in my bed.
Curtis: That wasn't me. We got the wrong flat.
Nikki: You tell your little friend he owes me a new mattress. He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.
Curtis: Yeah, that's the kind of thing he does. He's not right in the head.
Nikki: What?
Curtis: I know this gonna sound weird and crap, but... I feel like I know you.
Nikki: You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard. We can help yourself. [Lifts her skirt up] Just pull my knickers up when you're done. I'll order a pizza.
Curtis: Are you always such a bitch?
Nikki: Are you always such a weird twat? Are we done?
Curtis: Yeah. I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Nikki: Like what?
Curtis: Anything.
Nathan: [Affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.
Simon: Like what?
Nathan: Anything.
Simon: I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.
Nathan: Tell me about your first sexual experience. Do you want to hear about mine? It was a family camping holiday. One of my mum's friends came with us, and one night, I felt her hand sliding into my sleeping bag, like a warm, friendly snake. Hmm! Then she grabs my cock and starts wanking me off. She had lovely little hands. Like a midget's.
Simon: Your hand's on my leg.
Nathan: Shh.
Simon: What are you doing?!
Nathan: You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that. Feel my heart. It's racing. It's okay, it's okay. I'll be gentle. Why don't we slip your trousers off? It's okay, we don't have to fight any longer. I want to see it!
Simon: Argh! [Gets up and walks away]
Nathan: Simon. Simon, don't go. We don't have to go all the way - we can just cuddle. And when you're ready, we can do some dry humping. Call me!
Alisha: I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.
Simon: Why are you being so nice to me?
Alisha: I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.
Simon: I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.
Alisha: Were you sniffing my knickers?
Future Simon: You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers?
Future Simon: It's gonna be alright. I should know. I'm from the future.
Curtis: I need to find Alisha. We had a big fight.
Nathan: Hey, man. Love hurts, okay. It chews you up and spits you out... [looks at Simon] like a big ball of mucus.
Simon: [To Vince] Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.
Curtis: He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts?
Simon: Nuts are his kryptonite... like in Superman!
Alisha: Do we become famous?
Future Simon: Do you want to be famous?
Alisha: It's got to be better than picking up litter.
Future Simon: Sometimes I think that was the best time of my life.
Future Simon: Are you jealous?
Alisha: [Embarrassed] Shut up.
Future Simon: I like it that you're jealous.
Kelly: I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you?
Nathan: Well, you know I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.
Kelly: It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.
Kelly: If you want to spunk all over a girl's tattoos, just ask them, yeah?
Alisha: Hi. I've got to go do my Community Service. I guess you know that, cos I'm going to see you there. So... are we seeing each other now?
Simon: Yes.
Alisha: I can't lie to Curtis. I can't do that to him.
Simon: You have to.
Alisha: What, you want me to keep on seeing him?
Simon: The present me isn't ready for what has to happen. You have to give me time.
Alisha: [Sighs] Will you stop being so fucking mysterious?
Simon: It goes with the territory.
Alisha: Yeah, well, it's annoying!
Simon: You have to trust me. Just let it play out.
Nathan: I just realized I haven't died this week.
Simon: It's only Thursday. There's still time.
Nathan: Now why would you say something like that? Twat!
Simon: So you don't love me any more?
Nathan: OK. So I loved you. Big deal.
Simon: I think we should talk about it.
Curtis: I so wanna hear this.
Nathan: [To Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.
Kelly: Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?
Nathan: Not really, no.

Episode 4

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Ollie: [Appears in locker room] Hey.
Curtis: Who's the new guy?
Shaun: What's your name again?
Ollie: It's Ollie.
Shaun: Right. These are some other young offenders. He's going to be doing this Community Service thing with you lot.
Nathan: Are you saying he's like a new member of the gang?
Shaun: Whatever. Look, piss off and pick up some litter.
Curtis: Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
Kelly: What do we do if he does find out?
Simon: We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.
Nathan: [Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.
Alisha: [Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.
Ollie: All right?
Kelly: What did you get done for?
Ollie: I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]
Ollie: Have any of you got one of these weird powers?
Curtis: What?
Simon: What powers?
Ollie: I was only asking because I've got one.
Nathan: Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
Simon: What can you do?
Ollie: I can teleport. (LAUGHS)
Kelly: Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]
Nathan: Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!
Kelly: That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.
Ollie: Sometimes I go further than that.
Alisha: That's really impressive.
Nathan: I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.
Jimmy Cisco: [Pulls up in vehicle and gets out] Where's Conti?
Nathan: [Uses trash picker upper to gesture to Simon] Oh, it's him. He's a right Conti.
Jimmy Cisco: Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.
Nathan: Give the man his money.
Simon: I haven't got your money.
Jimmy Cisco: [Focuses on Kelly seeing her as a video game character Roxy] Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.
Kelly: Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.
Ollie: You're clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness.
Jimmy Cisco: I want my money.
Ollie: Let me talk to him.
Alisha: Don't. Look, just leave it.
Ollie: It's okay. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
Nathan: This should be entertaining.
Ollie: What's your name? It's okay. I'm not going to hurt... [walks forward and Jimmy shoots Ollie in the head with all community servers fleeing]
Nathan: Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!
Curtis: I don't see him.
Nathan: Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.
[All community servers are lying on rooftop]
Alisha: He shot him! He shot the new guy!
Kelly: We should go back for him.
Curtis: He was hit in the head! He's fucked!
Nathan: [Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!
Curtis: I don't see him.
Nathan: Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.
Kelly: This is messed up.
Nathan: [Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]
Nathan: [Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture!
Curtis: I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!
Nathan: You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.
Curtis: [Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.
Nathan: Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.
Curtis: There's something wrong wi' you.
Nathan: Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
Simon: You're immortal.
Nathan: ...Better him than one of you.
Nathan: It's a cruel senseless waste. [Shaun sighs] A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. [Shaun sighs] So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend... [pauses to try to remember Ollie's name]
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.
[later on]
Nathan: Heartless bastard.
Nathan: I think I speak for all of us when I say we're lazy and incompetent. We're practically handicapped!
Nikki: Er... You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me, and now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that? Well, fuck you very much!
Curtis: How do you wanna leave it?
Nikki: Very least you could do is ask me out for a drink.
Simon: He thinks I'm Conti.
Nathan: Why does he think that?
Simon: Because you told him I was!
Nathan: Did I? Sorry man.
Simon: You want me to buy you a drink?
Nathan: I have never paid for a drink from this machine before, and I don't intend to start now.
Nathan: Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he's going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody, calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm.
Curtis: [Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.
Simon: He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.
Nathan: Why does he think that?
Simon: Because you told him I was.
Nathan: Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]
Simon: You want me to buy you a drink?
Nathan: I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.
Alisha: The guy with the red car and the gun...
Nathan: We were just talking about him.
Alisha: He's got Kelly!
Nathan: Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!
Game man 1: Conti!
Curtis: He's here! [Game woman screams]
Nathan: Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]
Game man 1: Where's Conti?
Game man 2: He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]
Curtis: He's living the game. Where did all this come from?
Alisha: He was the guy in the mask.
Jimmy Cisco: [Leading Kelly at gunpoint] Give me my hundred grand.
Kelly: I haven't got your money, Jimmy. [Jimmy slaps her]
Jimmy Cisco: That's far enough.
Kelly: Let me go, you dick.
Jimmy Cisco: [Hands her refuse bag of contents] Put it on.
Kelly: [She looks in bag] You can shove that up your arse. [Throws bag at him]
Jimmy Cisco: Put it on.
Simon: [Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Nathan: Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!
Simon: We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
Alisha: So, now all we need is a hundred grand.
Simon: We could a rob a bank.
Curtis: We'll need a car.
Nathan: Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.
Shaun: [Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?
Simon: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
Nathan: No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
Shaun: Go and clean my car.
Nathan: I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!
Shaun: Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.
Curtis: The man wants his car washed.
Nathan: [Mouths] What?
Alisha: He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
Curtis: For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]
Nathan: [Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!
Nathan: A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!
Nathan: We're already criminals. I'm talking about becoming successful criminals. You know, the ones who make money, and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.
Kelly: Nice one. Brilliant fuckin' rescue!
Curtis: We've split up, all right?
Nathan: [To Alisha] So you're available?
Alisha: Not to you.
Nikki: You!
Nathan: Hi. Sorry about, uh, you know.
Nikki: Shitting in my bed?
Nathan: Yeah. Wrong flat.
Future Simon: It has to be like this.
Alisha: Why?
Future Simon: So we can be together.
Alisha: No, I won't let you die.
Future Simon: You have to, or I'll never be this person.
Alisha: You can't die. I love you.
Future Simon: I'll still be here.
Alisha: No, I don't love him. I love you!
Future Simon: It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me. It's all coming together.
Kelly: That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.
Simon: ...Right.

Episode 5

edit
Nathan: ...Oh, come on, if that was me bent over wearing a lovely pair of knickers, you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?
Jessica: Piss off, you pervert!
Nathan: Okay... but you know you would...
Nathan: You don't want to me mess with me, man. I do that cage fightin' shit. I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands! Oh, yeah. Who's scared now, huh?
Alisha: [Calls out to Simon walking by and realizes he can't hear 'cause of walkman earbuds in and she walks in front of him, he takes earbuds out] Hi. I called out. You didn't hear 'cause of the music.
Simon: Right.
Alisha: Do you want to walk in together? You don't have to, if you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
Simon: I'd never be embarrassed to be seen with you.
Alisha: Good. [Gestures to continue walking] Ready?
Alisha: What are you listening to?
Simon: Echo & the Bunnymen.
Alisha: Never heard of them. [Simon gives her an earbud] Thanks... [she puts it on] This is really depressing.
Kelly: [Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?
Nathan: Some bastard killed me last night.
Kelly: Are you winding us up?
Nathan: No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
Curtis: Who was it?
Nathan: I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.
Simon: Have you got any enemies?
Nathan: No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
Curtis: I can think of a few reasons.
Alisha: Definitely.
Kelly: Shitloads.
Simon: ...You annoy people.
Nathan: See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!
Alisha: Don't speak to him like that.
Nathan: Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?
Alisha: Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]
Nathan: I wish I could. I can never reach it.
Kelly: Oh, that is too wrong.
Nathan: Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?
Curtis: I'm not even having this conversation.
Nathan: 'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
Kelly: This is why people kill you.
Nathan: [Observing Jessica while standing on chair in recreation centre main area with volunteers abuzz with Shaun walking by] Hey, you! Probation worker guy!
Shaun: Are you talking to me?
Nathan: No. I'm talking to the thousands of other probation workers. Look, who's she?
Shaun: [Walks up] She's organizing this charity run.
Nathan: Oh, is she?
Shaun: Oh, don't even think about it. She's not gonna be interested in a little prick like you.
Nathan: How do you know?
Shaun: 'Cause I know women. I know what they like.
Nathan: Is that because you used to be one? [Shaun shoves Nathan to floor, smirks and walks away]
Shaun: Hey, you're not allowed to do that!
Nathan: It's her.
Curtis: Who?
Nathan: The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
Alisha: You said you didn't know who it was.
Nathan: No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
Curtis: [Derisively] Oh, nice.
Nathan: No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
Jessica: [Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
Simon: I was never very good at running.
Jessica: Is that why you got caught?
Nathan: Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Jessica: Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Simon: Why are you nervous?
Jessica: Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
Simon: Don't.
Jessica: [Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
Simon: No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
Nathan: [Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
Simon: Is everything okay?
Jessica: It's fine.
Kelly: [Picks up box with two water bottles on it that fall off] Grab those bottles for us, yeah? The bottles.
Bruno: [Aloud] What? [Voice of thought] She's so beautiful. [Aloud] What's your name?
Kelly: Why do you want to know my name?
Bruno: Because I'm really attracted to you.
Kelly: Are you taking the piss?
Bruno: No. I think you're beautiful. [Hears front door open and hides behind boxes with police officer coming in holding out badge]
Police officer: You!
Kelly: Are you talking to me, mate?
Police officer: You see a guy in a grey hoodie come through here?
Kelly: Your height, kind of funny-looking?
Police officer: Where is he?
Kelly: He went out the back door. You better start running if you want to catch him.
Police officer: Are you dicking with me?
Kelly: No. I love the police. [Sarcastically forces a smile]
Police officer: [Disapprovingly shakes head and into walkie talkie] He's gone out the back door of the Community Centre! [Gives her a shoulder bump of you-should-know-better with her looking offended face and he runs out back door]
Bruno: Thanks. [Runs out front door]
Simon: What do you mean, she killed you?
Nathan: I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
Simon: She wouldn't do that.
Alisha: How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Nathan: Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths.
Nathan: Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
Simon: That means absolutely nothing.
Nathan: Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
Simon: So?
Nathan: So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Curtis: Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Kelly: Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
Nathan: And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
Simon: So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
Alisha: That's not what we're saying!
Nathan: Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
Jessica: My mum died of cancer. And I wanted to do something so I set up this charity run.
Simon: I'm sorry about your mum.
Jessica: So, what's with the community service? What did you do? You didn't murder anyone, did you?
Simon: No.
Jessica: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
Simon: I want you to know.
Kelly: [Bruno appears holding a pack of beer cans] What you doing?
Bruno: I'm waiting for you. I wanted to say thank you.
Kelly: Why are the coppers after you?
Bruno: I got into a fight. I didn't mean to. Would you like to come for a beer in the park with me?
Kelly: No, you're all right.
Bruno: Come for a beer with me.
Kelly: If you don't get out of my face, you're gonna get a slap.
Bruno: Sorry. You're the first person that's ever done anything kind for me. People are mean. You were nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you. :Kelly: One beer. Come on, then. So, what's your name?
Bruno: Bruno.
Kelly: What kind of a shit name is that? I hit this girl.
Bruno: She deserve it?
Kelly: I thought she did at the time. Sometimes it's like I lose it. I've battered someone before I even know that I've done it.
Bruno: Did you mean what you said to that policeman?
Kelly: What's that?
Bruno: That I was kind of funny-looking.
Kelly: It's your face. You want to get that sorted.
Bruno: Really?
Kelly: No, I'm dicking with you.
Bruno: Shall I invite her back to mine? [Voice of thought] Don't scare her off. Does she even like me?
Kelly: You got any beers back at your place? I ain't gonna shag you.
Bruno: [Snorts] I wasn't expecting you to.
Kelly: Good. Come on.
Nathan: So, who'd have thunk [voice of thought] it, eh? You know, you and me teaming up on something like this.
Alisha: This is about the least weird thing that's happened to me recently.
Nathan: So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
Alisha: What, and you are? Why are you here?
Nathan: Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.
Alisha: Yeah, well, maybe I do to.
Nathan: The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?
Nathan: [Spying on Jessica with Simon in a car park] She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web, they shag ya, then they kill ya, and then they eat their own faeces.
Alisha: What?
Nikki: If I had your power, I'd wait until I was cumming, and I'd rewind a couple of seconds, and just... hover in the moment.
Nathan: You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...
Simon: Jessica.
Nathan: Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
Simon: You'll find your own girlfriend.
Nathan: Already got one, mate.
Simon: Who is she?
Nathan: Mo... nique... ca. [Clears throat] She's French.
Nathan: It's a fancy-dress party. It's dark. You'll all be wearing masks. It's the perfect opportunity to commit murder. And incest!
Nathan: [At the costume dance party] Does anyone else feel like a total cunt?
Jessica: [To Simon dressed as a Lucha libre] You look like a proper superhero. [Takes him away glancing at the community servers]
Nathan: [Referring to Jessica] Nice costume.
Alisha: Er, she looks like a slut.
Nathan: Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.
Nikki: [Finds Curtis on a rooftop, starts taking off dress and walking towards him] Hey, I've just been thinking about you.
Curtis: What're you doing?
Nikki: I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.
Bruno: Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.
Nathan: Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
Kelly: I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.
Nathan: Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.
Alisha: It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.
Simon: Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer. She's a virgin.
Nathan: I knew there was something wrong with her!
Simon: There isn't any more.
Nathan: I'm proud of you, man! [chuckles] Oh! Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.
Simon: Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.
Nathan: I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.

Episode 6

edit
Reporter 1: How would you describe your ability?
Brian: I call it lactokinesis.
Reporter 2: What's it like being called the world's first superhero?
Kelly: [Watching on TV] That has to be the shittiest power ever.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Curtis: Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
Nathan: You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
Curtis: Fuck off!
Simon: I don't think going public's a good idea.
Nathan: Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
Curtis: I sound retarded.
Nathan: [Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Simon: Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
Nathan: 'Cause you just are, man.
Alisha: [Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
Simon: What?
Alisha: What's going on with you and Jessica?
Simon: After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
Alisha: You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
Curtis: What was that?
Simon: They know about us.
Nathan: Who?
Simon: Everyone.
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Simon: There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Curtis: Bullshit.
Kelly: No way.
Alisha: Are you serious?
Nathan: Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Simon: Don't open the door.
Nathan: That is really quite a lot of reporters.
Kelly: How did they find out about us?
Nathan: What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
Shaun: Yeah.
Curtis: You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Shaun: Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
Kelly: You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
Shaun: I'm sure you'll be fine.
Alisha: Like you give a shit.
Shaun: That's a good point. See you.
Curtis: Where you going?
Shaun: Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
Kelly: Wanker!
Nathan: I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
Alisha: What are they going to do to us?
Simon: They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Nathan: Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
Kelly: What are we gonna do?
Simon: We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
Curtis: I'm not loving the sound of that.
Nathan: Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
Laura: There is an alternative.
Alisha: Who are you?
Laura: I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
Nathan: What are we thinking?
Simon: This isn't why we got our powers.
Nathan: No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
Curtis: None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Kelly: Yeah, what about the people we killed?
Alisha: I guess we should ask her about that.
Nathan: Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
Laura: I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Nathan: Good answer.
Curtis: Sign us up.
Laura: Good.
Simon: We're making a mistake.
Alisha: We should all stick together.
Kelly: Just do it with us.
Simon: This will change everything.
Nathan: Oh.
Laura: [Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
Alisha: [In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
Laura: [Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
Curtis: I haven't even got an ASBO.
Laura: No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
Nathan: [In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
Laura (their manager): Right. Is there anything I need to know?
Nathan: I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
Laura: I'm not familiar with that term.
Nathan: You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Kelly: Fuck's sake!
Nathan: Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Curtis: No!
Nathan: Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
Alisha: I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Laura: Anyone else?
Kelly: I shagged a monkey.
Nathan: Technically, it was a gorilla.
Kelly: What are we doing here?
Laura: I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Brian: Laura.
Curtis: Close your mouth!
Nathan: Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
Brian: [To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Curtis: Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
Brian: It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
Nathan: You're here to make the coffees, then?
Brian: I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
Alisha: So, what's the point in having your power?
Nathan: Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
Brian: No.
Nathan: We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
Brian: I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
Nathan: I'm milking you!
Brian: Get off!
Nathan: This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
Brian: Fuck off!
Nathan: That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
Laura: [Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Nathan: Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
Alisha: [Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Nikki: Hi.
Alisha: Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
Nathan: ...Just me and a gun...
Nikki: I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Laura: Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Nathan: Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
Kelly: Who's she?
Laura: That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
Alisha: What can she do?
Laura: She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
Brian: Hi, honey. Where are you going?
Brian's girlfriend: There's somewhere I need to be.
Brian: I thought you liked me.
Brian's girlfriend: Well...
Brian: So now there are other people with powers, you're not interested in me?
Brian's girlfriend: There's a guy downstairs who can rewind time. You can do stuff with milk.
Brian: I'll show you what I can do. [Brian's girlfriend starts choking on yogurt]
Brian's girlfriend: What are you doing? What is that?
Brian: That's the Greek yogurt you ate earlier. It's moving up into your trachea. [Leans down to her body on floor] You think I'm a nobody. You're nothing.
Nathan: [To Simon] Oh, Jesus, no! There's puss seeping out of my cock! One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club, one of them had poor personal hygiene! This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions! No girl in her right mind's going to have sex with that.
Simon: You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Nathan: Right. She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
Daisy: It's Nathan, right?
Nathan: Yeah, I just wanted to swing by, you know, say hi, as one superhero to another.
Daisy: That's really sweet of you.
Nathan: So, how mad is all this?
Daisy: Totally mad.
Nathan: And look at you, with your wonderful, amazing power. I saw what you did with that guy in the wheelchair. That's like curing two normal people. Double points. And so... I was wondering... if you could maybe help me out with a small, personal affliction of my own.
Daisy: Of course. What is it?
Nathan: Well... I appear to have contracted a sexually transmitted disease of some kind. I honestly don't know how I got it.
Daisy: I'm sorry. I don't do sexually transmitted diseases.
Nathan: No?
Daisy: Because of the rubbing. Go to the doctors. They'll give you some antibiotics.
Nathan: How long will that take to work? See, out there, there are a load of drunken girls just staggering around, waiting to be shagged. Do you really want to disappoint them?
Daisy: I'm sorry. I'm just not prepared to spend my life rubbing other people's genitalia.
Nathan: Oh, come on. Just give it a quick rub. It's lovely and clean. It's pine-forest fresh.
Daisy: I'm not going to rub your cock!
Nathan: Where's your humanity?
Daisy: It's not going to happen. Okay?
Nathan: That's fair enough. I suppose I only have myself and that dirty bitch I had sex with to blame. [Referring to trophy] What's that?
Daisy: That's my Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. It's for the charity work I did in India.
Nathan: Good for you, and good for Mumma Teresa. God rest her beautiful soul. I think I'm going to win that next year myself.
Nathan: [Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
Laura: The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
Nathan: [Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
Kelly: This could only happen to you.
Curtis: She was going to cure the world.
Nathan: There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
Curtis: You know it doesn't work like that!
Nathan: I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
Curtis: [Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
Laura: You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
Nathan: I'll try not to.
Nathan: [To Simon] I'll tell you something, though. It's all cleared up. You know... down there. As clean as a new pin. [Hears knock on door, gets up] If you're still in hiding, you should probably do your invisible thing.
Alisha: [To Simon] You think you're surprised? Imagine being me! You're still you, but you're different.
Alisha: You said if you didn't come back and die, you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.
Simon: It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time so that he can be his father.
Nathan: How do I look?
Curtis: Like a prick in a suit.
Nathan: [Points to Curtis] That's sexual jealousy, because of my prowess as a lover.
Nikki: Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
Nathan: That only happened once. And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.
Nikki: Do you want that (pizza)? Just lost my appetite...
Curtis: No, I'm lactose intolerant.
Nathan: Does that mean you're afraid of cows?
Nathan: [Looks behind him] So that boys and girls is how you shoot yourself in the head. I don't recommend you try this at home.
Simon: I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.
Nathan: Y'know, apart from all the killing and the dying and stuff, this community service really wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Episode 7

edit
Nathan: [Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Alisha: Are you going to pay for them?
Nathan: No.
Kelly: Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
Nathan: That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
Kelly: I think it's dead romantic, I do.
Nathan: I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
Curtis: [Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Nathan: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
Curtis: No.
Nathan: Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
Nikki: [Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
Curtis: Are you okay?
Nikki: [To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
Nathan: I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
Nathan: [Walking in recreation centre hallway with pregnant Marnie fiddling with a cigarette] I really wouldn't do that if I were you. That's how babies get turned into dwarfs.
Marnie: I like dwarfs.
Nathan: Me too. Who are you?
Marnie: I'm Marnie.
Nathan: And this baby of yours, who's the dad?
Marnie: I'll know when it comes out. Depends if it's white or black or Chinese or...French.
Nathan: Those brown babies are very cute. And I like a Chinese baby as much as the next man.
Marnie: Me too. Whoever the dad is, he's not around.
Nathan: So you're all alone in the world, apart from the living organism growing inside you?
Marnie: Looks that way.
Nathan: We should probably go for a drink. Swap some funny stories. See if we have similar tastes and interests.
Marnie: Overcome some emotional hurdles.
Nathan: And have a few huge rows.
Marnie: "What did you do, you stupid prick?!"
Nathan: "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know we were exclusive and she had massive tits! It'll never happen again!"
Marnie: We'll make up and before you know what's happened, I've trapped you in a serious relationship.
Nathan: That would be the conventional way to do it.
Marnie: There's just one problem; I can't drink.
Nathan: So... I guess we should skip all that other stuff and get straight down to the shagging. [They vigorously make love]
Nathan: [To Simon] I think I liked you better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
Nathan: Well maybe I'm a multimillionaire who just chooses to live in a community centre.
Woman: How are you doing that?
Elliot: I'm Jesus Christ... and I have been reborn.
Simon: [To Nathan upon meeting Marnie] Who's she? [Sitting in recreation centre atrium] He took her power.
Nathan: So, how much did she get for it?
Simon: Nothing. She wanted to get rid of it. She can touch people. I can touch her. We had sex.
Nathan: Ah! So you finally get to sample the goods, and they're... not as advertised? Is she one of those girls with really long pubes, down to her knees?
Simon: No!
Nathan: Has she got an extroverted vagina? 'Cause they can fix that in an operation, man!
Simon: I was shit.
Nathan: Oh! So, you're after some sex tips from a far more experienced lover! Two words. Fisherman's Friend.
Simon: Isn't that a cough sweet?
Nathan: You pop one of those bad boys in your mouth and then you head due south and you pleasure her, orally... and it's the menthol. [Mimics cunnilingus] She's gonna feel like her pussy's on fire.
Simon: Huh?
Nathan: Ah. I always keep some on me, just in case I'm required to perform. [Slaps it in Simon's hand] Go on. That's for you. I think that young lady is going to have a very merry Christmas! I'll tell you something else, man, if the girl's pregnant, it makes the baby kick like a nutter! [Pats Simon on back] See you, man. [Walks away]
Seth: [Nathan walks into office] Hi. So, what have you got?
Nathan: Immortality.
Seth: So, that's off the A list. How much d'you want for it?
Nathan: I will not settle for a penny less... than £1 million.
Marnie: [Nathan plops a bundle of cash on her] What's this?
Nathan: That's two grand, for you and the baby. Yeah, it should've been more, but I got really beaten down on the price.
Marnie: How did you get it? Did you suck off some fat German tourist?
Nathan: No! No, I sold my immortality.
Marnie: What?
Nathan: It's a long and totally ridiculous story. [Pulls her shirt and kisses her shoulder]
Elliot: [Preaching to housing estate residents] I am here to help you change your life today, right now, this moment! I know what it's like living on this estate! I know what it's like to feel disappointment, to feel pain to feel angry...
Nathan: [Bumps a woman's shoulder] What's all this?
Woman 1: Our Lord, Jesus Christ, has risen again!
Nathan: Right. Good for him. [Walks away]
Marnie: It's nice he's come back in time for Christmas.
Nathan: Yeah.
Elliot: ...and I promise you, I will change your lives forever, this day, this moment!
Mugger: [Pokes gun into woman's torso demanding her donation bucket] Give us the money. Do it!
Elliot: I know what it's like to... [notices mugger] did no one ever tell you that stealing is a sin?
Mugger: Who are you?
Elliot: I'm Jesus Christ.
Mugger: Yeah? Well, I need to score, [points gun at Elliot] so you're getting robbed.
Elliot: I don't think so. [Uses power to levitate gun out of man's hand and crowd applauds]
Woman 2: It's another miracle!
Elliot: [Points at mugger] You need to do some serious repenting. If you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you must give generously, so that we can spread the word of our Lord. Spread. [Crowd puts money in donation bucket]
Curtis: [Feeling Alisha's hand] It's so weird that I can do this.
Kelly: How does it feel?
Alisha: It's so nice not to have to think about it any more.
Nikki: Maybe we'd all be better off without them.
Curtis: What're you saying?
Nikki: I'm saying this random teleporting all over the place, it's a pain in the arse. I mean, what has any of us actually achieved with our powers?
Curtis: Apart from saving all our lives?
Alisha: We wouldn't need saving if it wasn't for the powers. We don't need to be caught up in all this bullshit.
Kelly: D'you think it's all right to just flog our powers like that?
Nikki: I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly living the dream.
Kelly: You always hated hearing what people thought about you.
Nikki: That's because most people are two-faced dickheads. I think we should go and see this guy.See how much he offers us. Look, it's worth having a conversation.
Curtis: All right.
Kelly: Twenty fuckin' grand!
Simon: You sold your powers?
Kelly: Yeah mate.
Simon: You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!
Nikki: And what reason's that?
Curtis: I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!
Simon: It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.
Kelly: And?
Simon: General Zod took over the world!
Curtis: That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.
Nathan: I met this little fella at a party on the estate.
Alisha: What. And you went with him?
Nathan: Well let's just say I didn't not go with him. Hey, I was very drunk, and he had his cock and balls taped into his arse crack. So from where I was kneeling it looked like a bald little pussy.
Luke: Jesus. I... I shot someone
Elliot: You did what!?
Luke: She was just a girl. I killed her!
Elliot: Are you sorry? ... Then God forgives you.
Luke: Seriously? Just like that?
Elliot: Just like that. Everything bad you've ever done. All the stealing, drugs and masturbating. Don't worry about it. You're forgiven.
Curtis: I need my power back.
Seth: That's not going to be possible.
Curtis: What're you talking about?
Seth: I don't have it.
Curtis: What d'yah mean, you don't have it?
Seth: I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.
Kelly: You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.
Nathan: Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.
Kelly: He couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag mate.
Nathan: Look at him. He's got the body of a small malnourished prepubescent child.
Alisha: Where are you going?
Simon: I'm going to kill Jesus.
Alisha: And I'm coming with you.
Kelly: You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?
Marnie: You haven't even got a beard!
Elliot: Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.
Nathan: I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.
Curtis: One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
Simon: You're exploiting the vulnerable.
Kelly: You're taking money of people.
Alisha: Intentionally assaulting girls.
Elliot: Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.
Nathan: Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.
Nathan: We may have done sod all with our powers, but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone!
Curtis: [Referring to Alisha] She raped me, and we killed loads of people.
Nathan: ...Okay, but we're the good guys!
Elliot: If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...
Nathan: Now he's starting on the Muslims!
Neophyte: Our Lord has sacrificed Himself, again.
Kelly: He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead with a few super powers.
Neophyte: Super powers? Do you really expect me to believe that?
[After community servers finish singing Little Donkey]
Curtis: You've seriously lost your cool.
Alisha: Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.
Nathan: [Swiping a plastic baby doll from the manger] Sorry, Jesus.
Marnie: I think I'm having another! I think I'm having twins!
Nathan: What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Marnie: What is it?
Nathan: You're giving birth to an alien!
Marnie: Get it out, get it out!
Nathan: [Pulls out placenta stomping on it and spraying everyone with blood] Die!
Kelly: It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!
Nathan: Anyway, so... happy Christmas, one and all.
Curtis: That is a fucking horrible jumper.
Nathan: Shut up. It was a Christmas present from Marnie. That's very rude.
Kelly: Is there any reason why have to have the same powers as we had before?
Alisha: Mine died with that Jesus guy.
Simon: [Waiting to see Seth] He said if we've got the money, we can take our pick.
Seth: [All community servers silently standing before Seth] Okay. So who's first? [All community servers are unresponsive]
Kelly: [Walks forward] You're all such pussies! I'll do it. [Sits in front of Seth letting him take her hand and connects with him]
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