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Men in Black: The Series

American animated television series
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Men In Black: The Series (informally MIB: The Series) (1997-2001) is an animated television series that aired on the Kids WB. The show featured the characters from 1997's science fiction film Men in Black Agents K and J. The show also featured Agent L who was formerly known as Dr. Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner.

Season One

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The Long So Long Syndrome

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K: List the distinguishing characteristics of a Rainissian Skeezaloid.
J: No sweat. Cheese-headed dude with over seventeen digestive systems.
K: Wrong. That's a Naborian Skeezaloid. Different moon.
J: Trick question.
K: You didn't do your reading, did you.
J: Maybe.
K: You're not in the NYPD anymore. If you're gonna tangle with a Skeezaloid, you'll have to know how to cuff him.
J: By the wrists?
K: Skeezaloids don't even have arms.
J: Noisy Cricket! Ha!
J: (about the Skraaldian) It... lobbed on me.
K: Never use a Noisy Cricket on a Skraaldian!
J: Why not?
K: Blows them up.
J: And that's a bad thing? Dude was gonna mess up your haircut.
K: No. The "dude" was only going to sting me. I would have swelled up and turned the color of rotten eggplant, but only for a week.
J: My mistake.
K: One you'll never make again.
J: What?! You're gonna fire me for saving your–?!
K: You're marked, J.
J: (about the blob on his suit) MIB dry cleaning should handle it.
K: You don't understand. Permanently marked. "This is the last suit you'll ever wear" marked. "You're a dead man" marked.
J: Even if I am marked, who knows when the Skraal-guys will strike? Could be today, could be forty years from now.
K: Probably today.
J: Heads up everyone!
[J has donned a robot suit of some kind]
J: J is in the house!
[J trips and accidentally blasts an iced Skraaldian]
K: Why'd you have to go and do that?
J: What's it matter? They coming to off me either way.
K: Yeah but now they'll probably put you in... the soup.
J: Can I at least drive?
K: Not today.
J: But I may not see tomorrow!
K: Maybe later.
Arquillian: This experience has made me realize how delicate life is. We are all so vulnerable. One moment we're eating seafood, the next, we're eating dirt. I owe you my life, K.
J: Can we pu–leez change the subject?!
Arquillian: What's with him?
K: Blew up a Skraaldian.
Arquillian: Blew up a Skraaldian?! Why didn't he jump off the Empire State Building?
[Jay slams the Arquillian's face shut]
Arquillian: Ow! Watch the face.

The Buzzard Syndrome

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[After J and K get in trouble with Zed, due to J screwing up a mission]
J: Whew. Thought Zed was gonna come onto us like a ton of bricks.
K: Yeah. We got lucky today, Sparky.
J: "Sparky"? What happened to "Slick"?
K: You have to work your way back up to "Slick".
[Due to having the same model weapon, K and Buzzard are in a standoff, endlessly aiming at each other]
K: Arm tired?
[No response from Buzzard]
K: Mine neither. I suppose we could just fire. Scramble our molecules, experience mind-numbing pain... black out. And if we're lucky enough to wake up at the same time, we could start this game all over again.

The Irritable Bow-wow Syndrome

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K: We're looking at a major crash landing, but no bogey in sight.
J: Maybe the UFO sprouted mechanical legs and walked away. Like in War of the Worlds. You've seen that? Martians invade Earth. Your favorite movie, right?
Jeebs: K...
K: What happened here, Jeebs?
Jeebs: Nothin'. Just, business as usual.
J: Then, whataya doin' on the floor?
Jeebs: Just... looking for something.
K: [holding Jeebs's hand] This? [holding Jeebs's leg] Or maybe this?
J: Size 9 Triple-E? Not mine.
Jeebs: [in several pieces all over his shop] Come on, guys, you can't leave me like this!
K: Don't worry. You'll pull yourself together. In an hour or two.
J: What did you swallow, anyway?
Frank: Nothing. Must be a hairball. Get me some water, will you?
J: There's a white porcelain bowl in the other room. All you can drink.
Frank: You drink of the toilet, mac. I'll take pictures.
J: Then I guess you're not thirsty.
Frank: Just because I look like a dog doesn't mean I am one. In fact, it takes seven dog years to equal just one of mine.
Frank: Goodbye, cruel world. Hello, guts.
Frank: What's wrong with ya?! You scared the living daylights outta me!
J: (referring to the Void Density core) That's not all I scared out of you.

The Alpha Syndrome

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K: (sees Jeebs) Jeebs... (to the agent next to him) Who let him in here?!
MIB agent next to K: He's not a guest?
K: He runs a pawnshop. He's a scavenger.
Jeebs: Hey! I don't speak ill of your career.
K: You have three seconds to get out, Jeebs.
Jeebs: It's a free...
[K blows his head off with a blaster. Jeebs' head grows back. Two MIB agents drag him out of the hotel]
Jeebs: You were supposed to count, K!
K: (puts gun away) Got no time to count.
K: You've really gone off the deep end, Alpha.
Alpha: Deep space. I've spent twenty years travelling the cosmos, handpicking alien anatomy, surgically enhancing myself, becoming more powerful than any one alien, or human!
K: I bet not one of those body parts came willingly.
Alien head on Alpha: Hey, I got a human attached to me! Get me some wart-remover!
Alpha: [smacks him] Shut up.
J: Is this thing safe?
L: It's intended for the originator of the memories. It'll either work, or your head will explode.
[J stares at L, shocked]
L: You asked.
Alpha: Join me, K. Be like me.
K: A circus freak?
Alpha: The cosmic intergrator opened my mind! My body had to follow. If only you knew what was in here.
K: I used to think I did... until you left me for dead.
Alpha: Well, stuff happens. But I'm offering you immortality, K. I'll get you another heart. It won't hurt a bit.
K: You wouldn't go all the way to Sentillia for that heart, would you?
Alpha: Why should I? Plenty of Sentillians right here on Earth.
K: I had the twins do a little research. Did you know that Sentillians can breath a gas that would make a human's lungs dissolve? Bet you did. So, I got to wondering... (takes out a can of Sentillian atmosphere gas) just how inhuman are you?
Alpha: You wouldn't! It'll destroy us both!
K: I'm willing to live with that. The Sentillian, of course, walks. Come on, Alpha. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride.
[J and L burst in the room]
Alpha: They riding, too?
(Silence)
Alpha: I didn't think so.
Alpha: Your attention, please. Mr. Saben has left the building. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. And Zed, ease off the bunt cake.
K: Minor grapefruit sizzling without the bric a brac sauce, radial tires go beep bop beep bop... [melts]
J: You're ignoring Zed's orders? Who's the hot dog here? [Sees that the LTD is gone] Our wheels. We've been carjacked!
K: Sorry, kid. I can't take you on this one.
J: What? Why?
K: I've already left. Besides, the underwear wrench can't tighten the laughing lumbago... [melts]
Hotel maid: Can I clean in here yet?
J: Not yet, ma'am. [Shows her his ID] Hotel inspectors, Division 6.
Hotel maid: Thought you might be MIB. Place is crawling with them.
[She walks away. J notices she has a lizard's feet and tail.]
J: (about himself) Forgot what hotel we were in.
K: Alpha. You got the Verrutians.
Alpha: That's not all I've got. A cosmic intergrator, K. Locked and loaded. I'll let you touch it...
K: But... MIB won't allow an intergrator to be used on Earth for another thousand years. You said so yourself.
Alpha: Forget what I said. The MIB doesn't even know it's here. Come on, K. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride!
K: And reject everything you ever taught me? No.
Alpha: [Takes out a gun] Fine. Then perish!
J: Can you believe those guys? Their muffled plastic fiestas are burning the eggplant shopping mart... [melts]
Jeebs: Virtual Selective Memory Projector? Sorry, guys. Wouldn't know anything about that.
J: Why is it that whenever yous say, "Wouldn't know anything about that", I get the feeling that you know everything about that?
Jeebs: You... have no trust in your fellow man?
L: Jeebs...
Jeebs: [gasps]
L: [points a giant laser canon at Jeebs] Our fellow man doesn't splatter green goo. Show us the goods now.
Jeebs: [pushes a button on his desk and a secret drawer opens]
J: Bingo!
Jeebs: How did that get there?

The Undercover Syndrome

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K: (points at a blackboard) See this word? It's Tarkan for "hello". Repeat after me. "Kanfamutekatafuutermet".
J: "Kamfamutekatafuuutermet"
The worms giggle
K: That's Tarkan for "hello, sailor".
K: In one mouth, out the other. But, betwixt, the twian shall meet.
J: Got it, Shakesphere.

The Neuralizer Syndrome

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J: Tell me about your family.
K: Zed, the twins, the worms, same family as you.
J: Come on! You have parents! You were born, weren't you? Tell me about your dad. What's he like?
K: Dead.
J: Always up for "chicken", huh!?
L: You made me bail out at the last second!

The Symbiote Syndrome

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Troy: They've got babes, swimming pools, movie stars (you like movies, don't ya?) and we can get our hands printed right in front of that movie theater. Huh? What do ya say? And it's right nearby that amusement park where you can get a hat with the rodent ears! I want one of those. So, what do you say? Huh?
J: Um, Hollywood's the opposite way.
J: You two Edgars are UGG – LEE! Where did you get your human suits? The 99 cent rack?

The Inanimate Syndrome

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U: Haven't you read the MIB manual?
J: Waiting for the movie, Upton.
U: Wah... Codenames are classified! How did you know...
J: Your letter is "U". But you don't look like an "Ursula".

The L of My Dreams Syndrome

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L: Jay, there's no time for another job! There's something important you have to do now!
[Dream version of L walks in]
Dream L: I agree.
L: (gasps)
(J saves L from a Vermax)
J: Consider it a favor.
(L saves J from two Vermaxes)
L: Favor returned. With interest.

The I Married An Alien Syndrome

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The Take No Prisoners Syndrome

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Worm 1: What kept you, K?
Worm 2: We got a situation here!
Worm 3: Big problem!
Worm 4: Yeah! Yeah! Big!
K: (Deactivates alarm) Being out of coffee is not a Code Blue.

Season Two

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The Little Big Man Syndrome

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K: Arquillians are peaceful by nature, Slick. They may have powerful technology, but they would never use it for violence. Some of history's most prominent peaceful figures were Arquillians: Martin Luther King, Jr., John Lennon...
J: Whoah! John Lennon was an alien?!
K: Yep.
J: So, what was Ringo?
K: A drummer.
[Agent J clumsily struggles to pilot an Arquillian mech suit and ends up crashing around.]
K: And he wonders why I don't let him drive the LTD.

The Quick Clone Syndrome

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K: Oversaturation. Explosion imminent.
J: What do we do about that, K?
K: Jump.
[The two jump off the building to escape the explosion]
J: There's more to the plan, right?
K: Anti-gravity shoes!
J: Funny, I don't remember being issued a pair of those!
K: Zed must like me better than you!
Alpha: [trying to upload memories from Zed's brain] You were somewhat devastated when your dog contracted rabies and you had to... shoot him.
Zed: That's the end of Old Yeller, you mooncap!
Alpha: ... So it is. But a memory, nonetheless.
J: These thirty-seven-hour Centaurian days are frying my brain, L.
L: You're not the only one working long hours.
J: How do you do it, then?
L: I... have my methods. The festive duck stomp is one way to put your carp together and matriculate.
J: I must be loosing consciousness. Could have sworn you just said--
L: The garden gnome prances when my long johns are filled with cheese... (melts)
L: You've been there for quite a while. Maybe you should give #2 a shot.
J clone 1: No. No. I can hang. I still feel real.
L: You all do, number 1. Until the babbling starts. And you find yourself melting faster than a waterlogged wicked witch.
Quick Clone of J: That's close enough, Alfalfa. Now you just move your fashion plate butt away from K. (Alpha backs off) That's right. Don't want all the king's men putting eggshell in my little red tugboat. When flapjacks fly, yo yo gotta clip the toenails to sweet... sweet... (melts)
L: If you're so rested, shouldn't you be heading back?
J: With two more clones in the closet? All work and no play makes J grow up to be just like K.
J Quick Clone 1: You okay?
J Quick Clone 2: Feeling fine. My noodles are magnificent with [melts]
J Quick Clone 3: When it's your time, it's your time.

[Agent J gets knocked flat on his back by the evil version of him that Alpha created. A long, sharp blade grows from Alpha J's arm.]

J: You sure you wanna do that? I mean, I'm kinda like a father to you, brother. [The Alpha J clone prepares to stab the real J but gets interrupted.]
J Quick Clone 1: You heard the man. That's no way to treat family.
J Quick Clone 2: Word.
J Quick Clone 3: We got his back, brother.

[The Agent J quick clones shoot the Alpha-created clone of J, killing it.]]

The Dog Eat Dog Syndrome

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Frank: Drekk? Uh... Never heard of him. You're barking up the wrong tree.
J: Funny. Thought you guys were tight.
K: Cell mates? Zartakla prison?
Frank: Look. All I know is what everybody knows. Guy's a certified psycho. The whole time we shared a cell together, all he could talk about was getting even with everyone who ever crossed him since the first grade.
(scene cuts to a flashback of Drekk and Frank sharing a jail cell)
Drekk: And the judge who put me away. Know what I'm gonna do when I get my hands on him?
Frank: (reading a magazine) Surprise me.
Drekk: I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. And the guy who cut in front of me in the mess hall. Know what I'm gonna do to him?
Frank: Give him a wedgie?
Drekk: No. I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. (Grabs Frank by the throat, knocking the magazine out of his paws) Just like I would boil you, Frank! If you EVER CROSS ME!!
(flashback ends and we cut back to modern day)
Frank: Uh... I don't know nothin' about Drekk.
K: Nothing?
Frank: Well, maybe one thing. He picks.
K: Locks?
J: Pockets?
Frank: His feet. It's disgusting! All day, all night. Talk about revenge, pick his feet. Pick his feet, talk about revenge. Drove me nuts!
J: You're so chic? You scratch yourself in public!
Frank: Hello!? I'm in a dog suit! It's part of the act! I'm a real sophisticate under this mangy skin, you know.

The Big Bad Bug Syndrome

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Edwin the Bug: So you're the "Man" in Black who 86'ed my brother?
L: You must mean Edgar. I see a resemblance.
Edwin: I'm much better looking.
Worm 1: So, what we after?
Worm 2: What we after?
J: A Bug.
[Silence]
J: A big, bad one.
Worm 3: Bugs eat Worms!
Worm 4: When they're not eating sugar!
Worm 1: Maybe we'll just...
Worm 2: ... head down to the cafés for a cup of Joe.
K: Not in your birthday suits, you won't.
[The Worms giggle sheepishly]
L: So, why am I still alive, er... Adam?
Dung the Bug: Dung.
L: [repulsed] Pretty name.
Dung: Queenie wants you alive. Wants to flay you herself.
L: Aren't you going to eat before the long trip?
Dung: I just said she wants you alive!
L: I mean sugar.
Dung: No. I got 10,000lbs of Queenie's Royal Jelly waiting for me back home. That's the bounty on your head.
Edwin the Bug: [after capturing L, J and K] This is the way we triple our pay, triple our pay, triple our pay!
Frank: You ought to get a doggie door, Zeddie.
Zed: No, I ought to get a sign: "No mutts allowed!"

The Jack O'Lantern Syndrome

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Creepy old woman: Jack O'Lantern steals away children on all-hallows eve. And sucks out their bones to make their parents grieve.
U: That's what makes you you, sir.
K: You're U. I'm K.
Worm 3: I'm Agent K. MIB's finest.
Worm 4: Agent J. I'm with him.
J: That so? How am I supposed to tell you two apart?
[Worm 3 pulls out a toy resembling a standard MIB blaster and Worm 4 pulls out one resembling the Noisy Cricket]
J: (Grunts)
Worm Cuppa Joe: What did Zed say? Is he sending backup?
Worm Percolator: What are we gonna do?
Worm Cuppa Joe: Jack's gonna suck out J's bones!
J: Nobody's suckin' out my bones!
Worm Cuppa Joe: Not you J, worm J!
Worm Percolator: He's always getting into scrapes!
Worm Cuppa Joe: He's the rookie.
Frank: K! Boy, am I glad to see you!
K: You're never glad to see me, Frank. What's got your tail in a tangle?
Frank: I got bit! By a werewolf!
K: What did he look like?
Frank: Terrier. Jack Russel. Mean.
K: What makes you think that this terrier was a lycanthrope?
Frank: Hello!? It bit me! On Halloween night! Under a full moon! You're a bright guy. Do the math.
K: Don' know why you called me, Frank. Supernatural is outside of MIB jurisdiction.
Frank: Who you gonna call?
K: Recommend a rabies shot. You don't know where that terrier's been.
Frank: If I sprout hair at midnight and start howling at the moon, it's gonna be on your head, K!
[The worms all walk around in a circle]
Worm Cuppa Joe: Now, we're dealing with the supernatural.
Worm Percolator: Very scary!
Worm K: Which means we can't rely on our usual methods.
[The worms stop walking and look at each other]
Worms: (in unison) The spell!
J: Why didn't I think of that?
Worm Cuppa Joe: The old crone told us about a spell...
Worm Percolator: That will send Mr. O'Lantern...
Worm K: Back to the pumpkin patch!
Worm Cuppa Joe: Wishing he'd never been hatched! We'll need a big brown onion...
Worm Percolator: You sure it wasn't a red onion?
Worm K: And the fat of a hog!
Worm Percolator: That would be lard?
J: Is this a spell or a recipe?
Worm Cuppa Joe: And a bell!
Worm Percolator: You sure it wasn't a bellpepper?

The Sonic Boom Syndrome

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Edi: I'm not interested in doing this alone, J. I just... don't wanna make you look bad anymore.
J: Well... don't you worry about that. It's hard for me to look anything but good.
Edi: [looks at J weird]
J: When I'm not wearing one of these.

The Bad Seed Syndrome

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L: Hmm. I shouldn't.
J: Get your grub on, girl. How often do we get to enjoy a spread like this?
U: First Friday of every month. Morale boosting gatherings like these are why Zed's the top man.
J: Appretiate the inside scoop, U. Mmm. Can't wait to suck up this chow.
U: I heard that.
K: Slick?
J: Something's going down. I got a big ugly shrub in L's lab.
L: (to Frank) You went into my lab!?
Frank: Thought the sign said "Lavatory". I was gonna bust!

The Fmall Fmall World Syndrome

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Emperor Fmerv: Beings of Earth! We are the Fmecks! Formerly of Planet Fmoo. Formerly because Fmoo was annihilated by a death ray. Which we had intended for the Arquillians. That's right. Though small by your standards, we are wholly capable of mass destruction! Ugh. I'm not sure about this copy.
Director: Cut! What's the problem, your highness?
Emperor Fmerv: Our own death ray backfired on us! Is that really something we want to advertise?
Director: I think the message we are trying to get across is that we are so ruthless that we'll even destroy the thing we love the most.
Emperor Fmerv: Whatever. The planet will be ours by the time this broadcasts anyway.
Director: Okay. Once more. From the top as written. And rolling!
Emperor Fmerv: Beings of Earth! We are the Fmecks! Formerly of Planet Fmo! (looks at paper) Fmo... Can I do that again?
Fmitch: Anybody see the professor?
Fmartin: Uh-uh.
Fmatthew: No, Fmitch.
Fmario: Un-un.
Fmelvin: How are we supposed to kidnap the guy if we don't even know what he looks like?
[the others all gasp]
Fmitch: !!... Don't question your squad leader, Fmelvin! Keep looking!

The Black Christmas Syndrome

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J: Frank! Wassup?
Frank: I'm freezing my tukus off here!
J: Merry Christmas. (leaves a present for Frank)
Frank: I'm Jewish.
Drekk: And to all a good night!
J: Ye Merry Gentlemen in Black! That's what I'm talkin' about!
Zed: Santa Claus is back in town. That's what I'm talking about.
J: Wow. Keys. He he... The LTD?
K: Executive washroom. Linen towels, cologne dispenser...
J: I'm touched...
J: (on his communication device) Need a clean-up. Something big, red, and fat went down a chimney. And it wasn't Santa.

The Supermen in Black Syndrome

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K: The one that got away? Make sure it doesn't.
J: Mud pie. Can't wait to check out the filling.
J: Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm leapin' around like some... leapin' guy.
K: I noticed.
J: And you look even more chisiled than usual.
Psilo: "Space Invaders take Mudbath". Phone home to mother. We're celebrities. (Volitia turns the page in the Hotsheets) What's this? An item of even greater interest.
Volitia: An advertisement?
Psilo: An invitation. (it turns out to be an ad for the Tamosotronic Amplifier)
Volitia: It slices, it dices...
Psilo: It made us what we are today.
Volitia: Allow four to six weeks for delivery.
Psilo: Why? When we could have it now?
L: Sorry. I thought my head was gonna go scanner.
J: Uncle Sam wants you to put the President to bed and make sure the first kitty's litterbox is clean.
Jeebs: [holding a comic book] Can you believe humans actually read this junk!?
Frank: Sugarcoats the plight of aliens living on Earth, let me tell ya.
Jeebs: Tch! Funny books! They're a tissue of lies!
Frank: Yeah, you don't see me wearing a cape like... er... what's his name?
Jeebs: Oh, yeah. I know the guy. Leaps tall, and he's stronger than something or other, and, he's faster than something...
Frank: That's him. He lands on Earth and what does he get? Loving parents, good looks, a career in journalism, and babes.
Jeebs: And he does it all in a leotard!
Frank: Oh... Mui macho!
Jeebs: Why are we talking like he's real?
Frank: He's not?
J: Raiders got con-ed, and F-15, and a neutron bomb!
L: We got brains, brawn, and... Jack-be-nimble.
J: See Jack go.
L: Go, Jack. Go.
J: You trying to sauté us?
L: Gee, I don't see you cartwheeling us back to shore.

The Star System Syndrome

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J: Space Demon went too far.
K: Pieces still don't fit, slick.
J: What!? The Space Demon practically confessed! He rubbed out Prey and Predeterminator because he's envious of his imitators. He did Etalffap because he couldn't take being roasted on national TV. And an hour after he told us how much he hated Astrotots, one of them got whacked!

The Blackguard Syndrome

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[Agent L hears knocking on the Blackguard's bay doors]
L: Doesn't that door lead to... airless space?
Dak: Sensors reactivated. Look sharp, everyone. Sugar daddy's coming aboard.
L: "Sugar daddy"?
[Alpha appears]
Dak: Alpha, baby!
[Alpha stares at him]
Dak: Uh, sir!
J: You know, I've always wanted to be an astronaut.
K: You don't have the training, slick.
J: Neither did L. Till MIB gave it to her!
K: Don't get your head stuck in the clouds, ace. You're of more use to earth on earth.
J: (draws a frowny face) Don't get to drive, don't get to go into outer space...
Dak: Big difference between me and my bro: I like the sting!

Season Three

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The Cold Sweat Syndrome

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Alpha: You must have nine lives, K. Let's see if you have any left. [fires repeatedly on the ice below]
J: Good thing the guy's a lousy shot!
K: He's not aiming at us. Those plasma orbs will melt the ice cap.
J: And?
K: Flood half the planet.
Alpha: Always so negative, K. Don't you think Nebraska deserves a beachfront?

(Jack Jeebs and Dak Jeebs emerge from the snow, now fused together)

Dak: It was bad enough sharing a bathroom with you!
Jeebs: Yeah, well would it kill you to brush your teeth once in a while!?

The Puppy Love Syndrome

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L: What are you doing here, Frank? Cafeteria's closed.
Frank: Ah, the just love to razz me. We're like family. Agent L, this is Veronica. My date.
L: Really? (shakes Veronica's hand) You know we do give free eye exams.
Frank: (growls at Agent L) (to Veronica) Uh, better keep moving.
L: Psychological counseling too.
J: Technology from nine different galaxies and MIB still can't make an alien suit that doesn't itch.
K: Steady, sport. If we don't convince this gang we're the new Pazzims on the block, an itch will be the least of your worries.

The Lost Continent Syndrome

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J: You know, I was thinking we could chill out a while, have a clam-bake, but no! Zed calls and there went my hula lesson.
C: I'm free! I'm free! No more MIB! Keep paddling!
C's alien companion: Why don't you try paddling, bigmouth?
C: Y... you can talk? TWO YEARS YOU HAVEN'T SAID A SINGLE WORD, AND YOU CAN TALK!?
C's alien companion: Couldn't get a word in inchwise.
C: [breaks down sobbing]
Alien: What? So now it is illegal to suntan?
K: It is when you're wanted in three galaxies.
J: Join MIB. See the world. Become Mr. Limpet. They don't mention that part.

The Way Out West Syndrome

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K: (reading the stone tablet on the statue) Tamed the Wild Wild West and rescued Baxter from ruin. (speaking to J) You give the sheriff any advice?
J: No.
K: (reading the stone tablet on the statue) Sheriff V.T. "Slick" Clemens!?
J: Okay, maybe a few small pointers.
L: If saving the world was easy, anyone could do it.
K: We're on the job, pilgrim. Get in, get out, remain as inconspicuous as possible.
J: Not easy. We're gonna stick out like sore thumbs.
K: Speak for yourself, tenderfoot. (gives his tie a slight pull and his entire suit transforms into a cowboy outfit)
J: (pulls his tie and nothing happens) Hey! Where are my duds!?
K: Gotta plan ahead.

The Mine, Mine, Mine Syndrome

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[As silverfish swarm around her]
Queen Bug: Ah, well-wishers. Who says New Yorkers aren't friendly?
[The Emperor Worm uses a tape to try to learn English]
Emperor Worm's tape: The ants in France dance mainly without pants.
Emperor Worm: "The ants in France..." "The France in pants..." [Presses the fast-forward button]
Emperor Worm's tape: I am large and in charge.
Emperor Worm: I am large and in charge!
Emperor Worm: I demand you trick-or-treat me with respect! I am large and in charge!
Queen Bug: Guess what, chubbo? I'm larger! (bursts out of her schoolgirl disguise)
[J and the Emperor Worm have been captured by the Bugs]
Emperor Worm: You can take away our livestock, but you can't take away our forest fires!
[The Bugs stare at him in utter confusion]
Worm 1: We need a suite.
Worm 2: The bigger, the butter. Uh... better.
Worm 1: Fit for a king, actually.
Hotel Clerk: I see. King bed. Double occupancy?
Worm 2: It's not for us.
Worm 1: (gestures in Emperor Worm's direction) It's for him.
Emperor Worm: (in his human disguise) Good aftershave from my big big bottom.
Hotel Clerk: (looks awkwardly at the two worms)
Worm 1 & 2: He's from Minnesota/He's from Barcelona. (both look at each other) He's from Barcelona/He's from Minnesota. (both look at each other) He's from Jersey!
Jeebs: [Wakes up from his nap after hearing the bell ring]] K! J! What brings you here?
K: Pair of insects.
J: We think they've been power shopping.
Jeebs: You check Bloomie's? They have a much larger selection. [K blows Jeebs' head off, then it grows back] When will I learn?

The Lights Out Syndrome

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Worm 1: We're taking a moonwalk?
Worm 2: We got the moves.
Worm 3: Check it out!
Worm 4: (Moonwalks) Michael Jackson, eat your heart out!
J: Maybe I earned a little quality time with the LTD?
K: Exactly. Why don't you start with a little wash and wax.

The Out To Pasture Syndrome

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Worm: Things are getting better around here already. [another worm whispers into his ear.] Oh. Sorry, J. You must feel bad about losing your partner, huh.
J: Hey, you get lemons, you make lemonade.
Worms: [in unison] EEEWWWW!!!
J: Since when is [Agent L] a field agent!?
K: Since 7:00 this morning.
J: But I thought...
K: N-nn. Still too green to be paired with a recruit.
J: Green!? Kermit the Frog is green! I'm...
L: Easy, partner. That's the chief you're mouthing off to.
Alpha: You really outdid yourself this time, Zed. The retirement charade, sending Agent J to feed me false information... But did you really think you could outwit me? You see, Zed, I possess the intellect of four superior races... and the brute force of one stupid one. You're out of your league, old boy.
[Alpha's alien body is destroyed, leaving him a deteriorated human]
Alpha: Go on, Zed... destroy me. Do it!
Zed: No. You're a mere mortal now. You'll be punished like one.

The I Want My Mummy Syndrome

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Zed: East Village. Our Crypt Van Winkle just up-ended a cab.
J: Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus this morning. Ha ha ha. (Zed, K, L, and Frank give him weird looks. Then Zed takes a sip of his coffee) You guys gotta lighten up.
J: So, how is it that you're an expert on Egyptian history?
Frank: I happen to be a cultured, well-read alien about town.
J: Who roots through garbage cans.
Frank: Y'know, the ancient Egyptians were way ahead of their time. Engineering, astronomy, architecture, and the worship of dogs.
J: Thought the dudes answered to cats.
Frank: Cats got all the press but dogs ran the show.
K: Read us a story.
J: And keep it down to a low growl.
Frank: Hieroglyphics from the old kingdom. 3500 BC. "To release the demon within is to doom the world".
K: Any mention of Socclarian?
Frank: That's the ancient name of the magical scepter that the mummy will use to bring death, destruction, and pestilence. If you believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo.
Disguised Alien: Get me off this planet! Now!
Jeebs: No advanced reservation, height of the season, gonna be a surcharge.
Disguised Alien: Fine. Whatever. Just make it quick.
Jeebs: Something giving you the heebie-jeebies?
Disguised Alien: A Hyperian in mummy's clothing.
Jeebs: A Hyperian? Here? You sure?
Disguised Alien: Ugh. Positive. I saw those animals wipe out an entire city on my home planet. (takes off his disguise) Still gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.
Jeebs: Didn't happen to notice if mummy dearest had the Scepter of Socclarian on him, did you?
(K presses a button on his watch electrocuting the Hyperian binding both him and J)
J: Why do you always get the cool stuff?
Frank: Way to go, mush mouth. I was this close to being high and mighty forever.
Jeebs: Heh! You!? That scepter hand my name written all over it!
Frank: Funny. I don't remember seeing the word "idiot" written on it!
Museum Guard: [The mummy] spoke. Something like "social" or "soccal" or...
Frank: Socclarian?
Museum Guard: Hey! The dog! It talked!
K: You've been working too many nights. (neuralizes the guard)

The Bad Doggie Syndrome

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Tunston King: You will learn respect for our king!!
J: The only "king" with my respect is Martin Luther.

Season Four

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The Spectacle Syndrome

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Worm 1: Where are we?
Worm 2: Somewhere over the... cappachino?
Worm 3: And you were there, and you, and you.
Worm 4: No more double espressos for me.

The Back to School Syndrome

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K: Congratulations, Slick. So who are you taking to the prom?
Zeeltor: Ah, Agent J. I fashioned an array of school supplies that should prove quite handy on your new assignment. For example... [picks up a backpack]
J: What is that?
Zeeltor: Why, it's a backpack.
J: I know that, but what freaky thing does it do?
Zeeltor: Do? Agent J. You put books in it.
J: Uh-huh. [takes the backpack] Uh-huh. What about this here? [picks up a nearby calculator] Looks like a... calculator.
Zeeltor: Yes! It performs calculations!
J: Yo, doc! I thought you were gonna hook me up with some super fly gear. I could by this stuff at the drugstore.
Zeeltor: Can you, really? Hm.. I must pay a visit.

The Opening Gambit Syndrome

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Dr Zan'dozz Zeeltor: Oh yes, Alpha, the original head of MIB! Whatever became of him?
K: Went nuts. Tried to take over the universe.
Dr. Zan'dozz Zeeltor: [still happy] Oh!
Alpha: We had a deal, Vangus. I hope you intend to uphold your end.
Vangus: That was thirty Earth years past. Things have changed.
Alpha: One thing hasn't: your mission will fail again. It's only with my help that you Ixions will be able to defeat MIB and commence full-scale invasion. You get the oil, I get to rule the people. [showing his new metal claw] With an iron fist, of course.
J: Okay, Alpha. You've got me in check, now throw me a pawn. How come the Ixions didn't invade thirty years ago?
Alpha: Timing, dear boy. Your boss Zed nearly stumbled onto our little gambit. I convinced the Ixions to try again later.
K: But they got a little tired of waiting, didn't they, Alpha?

The Hots For Jay Syndrome

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J: Atoms releasing energy, huh? So I'm kinda like a walking, talking, nuclear reactor!
Dr. Zan'dozz Zeeltor: Precisely! Like Three-Mile Island!
J: That... blew up...
Dr. Zan'dozz Zeeltor: Blew up. Melted down. I say "to-mah-to", you say "to-may-to".

The Endgame Syndrome (1)

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Madame President: So you're telling me there's been a secret organization called the Men in Black for the last forty sum odd years? So secret that no president even knew about it?
Zed: Yes. Well, except for Nixon of course. Say what you will about the man, he could keep a secret.

The Endgame Syndrome (2)

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Alpha: [observing the destroyed MIB headquarters] Ah, the old clubhouse. Such a shame, so many fond memories... But as we say on Earth, one can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Vangus: Omelette... Eggs... Good one!
Vangus: Destroying MIB did not deliver instant victory as you promised.
Alpha: Patience, Vangus. When one slips it slowly, the nectar of victory is that much sweeter.
Vangus: These air strikes are wasteful! It is time for a new strategy: destroy the planet, then its oil reserves ooze out.
K: Kind of puts a crimp in your plans, doesn't it, Alpha?
Vangus: Quiet!
Alpha: Agent K makes a cogent point. An annihilated Earth would leave no populace, no one for me to rule.
Vangus: Can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Cast

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