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Meet the Spartans

2008 film directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer

Meet the Spartans is a 2008 comedy film, spoofing 300, to be precise, wherein inept King Leonidas takes his hilariously inefficient army of 13 Spartans against the "feared" god-king Xerxes and improper CGI.

Leonidas

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  • [as penguin farts and shits into his face and mouth] Aw it smells!
  • That is how "men" greet each other in Sparta: high-fives for the women and open-mouthed tongue kisses for the men.
  • The Oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake! But I beg to differ!
  • Yo Mama's so hairy, the only language she speaks is Wookie!
  • Who is that (about Sonio) Well, he's got a huge package (indicating a wooden box)
  • THIS IS SPARTA!!!


  • this is from the movie and is not historically accurate...

Xerxes

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  • I tell you, kid, you got balls! I come here with this huge army, we're gonna shish kebab your ass!
  • Ooh! Transformer Cube!
  • Leave Britney alone!
  • Enough of this superflous videogame violence!

Traitoro

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  • My lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them, so whatever you do, don't be throwing him into the Pit of Death. (Leonidas does the exact opposite) Stop throwing people into the Pit of Death! Really!

Queen Margo

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  • [with a mini-vac] How do you like me now, Sandman?

Random Person

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  • Traitoro was a Traitor?
  • Well, tickle my nipples with a feather

Paris Hilton

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  • I'm a Hilton; I don't bow... but I do bend over.

Spartacus

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  • I thought the kick was utterly dreadful. In fact, I've seen better kicks from a geriatric donkey and I am not talking about you Paula.

Leonidas

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  • I'm assembling an army to go to war with Persia. I'm going to take them in the rear... and then I'm gonna reach around, and I'm gonna take them again from the front!

Narrator

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  • Xerxes, he looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.

Mumble

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  • [putting his testicles on Leonidas' face and mouth while fighting him] Lick my snowballs! [Leonidas groans as his tongue touches the testicles]
  • [turns around and bends over, putting his butt above Leonidas' face] Now eat my penguin asshole! [Penguin farts repeatedly, then slaps his butt] Ooh, that taco bell ain't sitting right [white diarrhea sprays into Leonidas' face and mouth] Ha!, caught you with your mouth open!
  • Say "what's up" to Anna Nicole for me!

Dialogue

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Narrator: In the land of Sparta, when babies were born, the elders would inspect them for defects. If any imperfections were found, the baby was rejected, and if the baby was Vietnamese, Brangelina would get first dibs.
Rambo: Have you seen the new Rambo movie?
Paris Hilton: Have you seen a shower?
Messenger: [Leonidas has kissed the Persian's messenger on the mouth] What the hell was was that?!
Leonidas: What?
Messenger: You just kissed me!
Leonidas: That is how men of Sparta greet one another: high-fives for the women and open-mouthed tongue kisses for the men.
Leonidas: [picks up subway sandwich] No mayo? This is bullshit!
Leonidas: I had always wanted to do a fat chick.
Leonidas: The Oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake! But I beg to differ! [cut to Dilio, where he is seen with a paint artist painting abdominal muscles on his heavyset belly. Dilio starts to laugh.]
Urban Girl: Yo mama's so fat, her pant size is, um... um... Bitch, lose some weight!
Leonidas: Yo mama's so hairy, the only language she speaks is Wookiee!
Captain: I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass!
Leonidas: Who is that? (looking at a hunk coming)
Captain: That's my son. Sonio.
Leonidas: Well, he's got a huge package.
(Cut to Sonio, who is carrying a huge package (Which is a large cardboard box) with him)
Narrator: Buttmeister Presents: Real men of genius!
Male singer: Real men of genius!
Narrator: Today, we salute you, Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual. [Leonidas and his men balked at the comment]
Male singer: Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual!
Narrator: Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape, you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder.
Male singer: Sprayed-on tan! *Leonidas sprays himself*
Narrator: Sure, there's danger: charging rhinos, stampeding elephants, and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad.
Male singer: Ooh!
Narrator: You only went out on one date, but you'll remember it forever... forever... *Leonidas' army spits out their beer*
Male singer: Take your daily Valtrex! *Leonidas chugs a whole pill bottle of Valtrex
Narrator: Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice, and chop every man you see. But enough about your career as a hairstylist. Let's talk war.
Male singer: Ow! The curling iron is hot!
Narrator: So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas! Because when the going gets tough, the tough go antiqueing. *Leonidas spits out his beer*
Male singer: Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual! Oooooohhhh, yeah.
Le Chiffre: Tell me Mr. Bond, what is the account number?
Leonidas: (tied to a chair) Who the hell is Mr. Bond? I'm Leonidas!
Le Chiffre: You're testing my patience, Double-o.
Leonidas: I told you, I am not double[gets harassed in the rear]-oooo! Ooooo! Little Miss Sunshine!
Le Chiffre: Here's a nice one [scoops a spoonful of Pedigree] oooohhhh! Say hello to Captain Adorable!
Leonidas: We may have won the battle, but they will win the war!
Other 12 Spartans: Aaah... What?
Leonidas: Adjust your sword, boy, it's digging into my back.
Sonio: But I’m not wearing my sword.
Leonidas: [pause] Carry on then.
Sanjaya Malakar: [singing, after Leonidas kicks him into the pit of death] I'm not gay!
Ogre Baby: Are you my mama? 'Cause I'm ready to suck on a teat.
Leonidas: We'll funnel the Persians in where their numbers won't count for shit!
Ryan Seacrest: I'm sorry, king, but your journey ends here.
Prophet: Battle formation he calls it. It looks like backstage of an Elton John concert!
Chris Crocker: [on the Xerxestron] Chris Crocker (Internet celebrity)#Leave Britney Alone!|Leave Britney alone! Please!

Leonidas: Oh, go fuck yourselves! [shoves Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell into the pit of death]

Leonidas: Man, you got happy feet!
Penguin: I'm about to shove my "happy foot" up your ass! Cracker, where you goin', pussy?
Penguin: Arhh! My ass hurt! Why're you gonna do me like that? C'mon! I'd hook you up! I was just joking! [gets stabbed by Leonidas' "penguin emergency" spear]
Donald Trump: Spidey, you're fired! [cuts the webbing Queen Margo, who's dressed as Bad Spider-Man, is hanging from; she shoots webbing, which removes Trump's wig and causes him to freak out]
Leonidas: I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.
Paris Hilton: Ah! Ah! No-o! It's not fair! Mom! You'll be sorry! You're making a terrible mistake! [throws her armor in the air] I'm not as stupid as I look!
Britney Spears: [while falling into the Pit of Death] K-Fed! Come back to me! Please! I'll let ya! I'll let ya under my skirt!
Paris Hilton: [talking on the phone] Hello? Oh, hey Nicole. Nothing, just some guys with swords... not their actual swords. Ugh, you're gross. Yeah, I'm hungry. Did you eat? Oh, you ate an almond? Yeah, you are done eating for the day. Okay, then let's go to Pinkberry. Bye, sexy.
Leonidas' Grandmother: Come on, you little shit! Come on! You can't beat me! You're never gonna be a Spartan! Never!
Young Leonidas: Take this, Granny! [punches his grandmother in the face, causing her dentures to fall out]
Brittney Spears: (singing and shaving head) Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Uh-Huh. Yeah. (talking) I don't know why y'all have to always get on my back for everything. I'm a responsible adult. Look at me-I'm booby-feeding my baby. Sometimes I like to give him fried milk. I call 'em milk poppers. It's just like breast milk, but it's fried. And you just pop 'em in your mouth. He loves 'em. Don't you, baby! (singing) Goo-goo. Gah-gah. Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. (raspy panting in baby's face) (talking) I'm a smart shopper. I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman. (singing) Bargain...Shopping...Yeah. (talking) Why do y'all think I'm messed up? Shit! Do I look crazy to you? (sighs and spreads legs)
Margo: There's only one woman who's words you should listen to.
Leonidas: (Nods) Oprah.
Margo:: Your wife.
Prophet: Douchebag says what.
Leonidas: What?
Prophet: Chest waxer says what.
Leonidas: What?

Cast

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