MA*SH (season 4)

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M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.

Welcome to Korea

Frank: Pierce, you need to sign in upon returning to the camp.

Hawkeye: Hello, honey, I'm home.

Hawkeye: There's no Jeep here, Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.

[In Rosie's Bar, where a fight goes throughout the scene]

Hawkeye: Any diversion is welcome, except the diversions become routine. Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think I feel closer to the people in this hospital than I've ever been to anybody else in my life, or ever expect to. [To bartender] Keep 'em coming, Kim.

Kim: On Hawkeye's tab?

Hawkeye: Right. I'm entertaining a client.

Radar: My teeth will turn purple.

Hawkeye: Women love that.

BJ: You know, I really can't wait to see the place.

Hawkeye: You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. [The fight breaks through the window behind, with only BJ noticing] So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die. Drink up, you're behind.

BJ: In other words, do your job as best you can, and shove...

Hawkeye: You got it. [Radar casually moves to the bar just as the fight crashes into their table] Please, I'm with friends.

Radar: [returning] They're all out of maraschino cherries.

Hawkeye: Kim, some more sake.

BJ: [drunkenly greeting Frank for the first time] What say you, Ferret Face?

Change of Command

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.

Potter: Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!

Radar: (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!

[Scene changes to Hawkeye, BJ, Houlihan, and Father Mulcahy at Potter's desk as he looks over each file]

Potter: Father Mulcahy. [Mulcahy shows the cross around his neck] Yes, of course. [Reads over his file] You're clean.

Mulcahy: Thank God, sir.

Potter: Catholic?

Mulcahy: Yes, sir.

Potter: Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?

Mulcahy: I handle all denominations, Colonel.

Potter: Any other Methodists in the outfit?

Mulcahy: Two or three.

Potter: Good, I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.

Houlihan: Sir!

Potter: Chief nurse.

Houlihan: Yes, sir.

Potter: [Looks over her file]Ten years, spotless record.

Houlihan: Thank you sir.

Potter: [Goes to the next file] Major Frank Burns.

Houlihan: Just friends, sir. [Potter gives her a curious look] I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed. [Potter nods and goes to the next file]

Potter: Captain Pierce.

Hawkeye: Yo!

Potter: Keep your yo's to yourself. [Pauses as he looks over Hawkeye's file, then goes to the next one] Captain Hunnicutt.

BJ: Yes, sir.

Potter: You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.

Hawkeye: That was an accident.

BJ: We were having a weenie roast.

Potter: In the latrine?

BJ: We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.

Potter: Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.

Hawkeye: That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.

Potter: And a year ago, the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.

Hawkeye: I couldn't get a cab.

Potter: I gather you drink.

Hawkeye: Only to excess.

Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!

Klinger: I'm not that easy.

It Happened One Night

Radar: [On the phone] I'm trying to get the shelling stopped, it's outgoing.

[A loud artillery explosion is heard, a patient in the ward is heard screaming]

Hawkeye: That's OUR stuff?

Radar: Well, we can't let them have all the fun. [Another artillery explosion briefly dims the lights; Radar turns to the phone] Yeah, 386? Yeah, this is MASH 4077th, can you cut the heavy overhead stuff? We're a hospital here, we've got patien-! [Hears from the other end of the phone]

Hawkeye: What?

Radar: He's got a suggestion, but I think it's physically impossible.

Hawkeye: Give me that phone. [Takes the phone] Who is this?

Radar: Lt. Gage.

Hawkeye: Lt. Gage? Capt. Pierce, here. Listen, those shells of yours are bouncing our guys right out of their beds, give us a break, huh? We're on the same team! [Listens to Gage's response] Uh huh...[Hands the phone back to Radar]

Radar: What did he say?

Hawkeye: You're right, Radar. He's got a lot to learn about anatomy.

Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.

Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.

Hawkeye: All right, go back to your tent.

Klinger: My bed in Toledo.

Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?

Radar: It's the Colonel.

Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.

Potter: Don't you want to know the password?

Jenkins: I already know it, sir.

The Late Captain Pierce

Hawkeye: They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home, they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.

Captain Pratt: Well, you are, doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell referred to in 1984 as an "un-person." [chuckles]

Hawkeye: An "un-person"? Now I'm an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing I'm undead, is at this moment mourning his "un-son."

Captain Pratt: Well, I don't know any other way out of it.

Hawkeye: Oh, you don't, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks I've shaken off this khaki coil!

Hey, Doc

Father Mulcahy: Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?

Klinger: Pay no attention, Father. Just rumors.

Radar: Just a rumor.

Mulcahy: Huh. [Two gunshots hit the shower room they are in. Mulcahy hurries into the same stall that Radar is in] That "rumor" almost came through the door!

Hawkeye and Mulcahy dive for cover after being shot at by snipers.

Griswald: Civilians!

(Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)

Hawkeye: (from outside) Frank, are you in there?

Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.

Margaret: We're not DOING anything.

Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

The Bus

Frank: (into walkie-talkie) Attention all Allied personnel: There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise: I am directly under the brightest one.

Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.

BJ: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

Hawkeye: Will you stick that gun in your holster?

Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.

Potter: (sees Frank holding a machine gun) Burns, didn't I see your face in the post office? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

Hawkeye: He does.

BJ: He will.

Frank: I do.

Potter: All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

Radar: (waking up North Korean thinking he's Potter): Sir? Sir. Sir. Holy socks! (Bumps into Maj. Burns) Sir I didn't mean to wake you.

Frank: Wake me? You thought I was asleep? No I was just trying to see what our prisoner would do. I flushed him out of the woods.

Radar: Let me help you with your chocolate.

Frank: That's not chocolate!

Radar: Right it's not chocolate.

Dear Mildred

Hawkeye: We have four rifles here and one of them is a reading lamp.

Radar: (about Frank) I'm probably responsible for his leaving.

BJ: You should come here more often.

[Hawkeye and BJ walk in to the movie]

Hawkeye: 3-to-1, I'll take the Indians.

BJ: It's a bet, five bucks. What's the name of this picture?

Hawkeye: Custer's Last Stand.

The Kids

Klinger: (feeding a little girl) I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.

Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet, let me do it.

Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?

Flagg: (to Potter) When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now! The last CO they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.

Potter: I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's Army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.

Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.

Hawkeye: I told you.

Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.

BJ: He's on to you, Sid.

Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!

Potter: A little loco weed must have gotten mixed in with his feed!

Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?

Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.

Dear Peggy

(BJ intervenes to save a patient Frank gave up on)

Frank: You're going over my head, Hunnicutt!

Hawkeye: Everything's over your head, Frank!

(Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)

Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.

South Koreans: (with limited English) I will get the nurse.

Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.

South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.

(at show end)

Mulcahy: (talking about a patient) Is he going to make it?

BJ: Probably.

Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again.

Frank: Twerp.

(Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)

South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.

Of Moose and Men

Colonel Spiker: (about Hawkeye) No respect for the uniform.

Potter: Well, he's never in it anyway.

BJ: Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I keep trying.

Soldier of the Month

Frank: (dictating his will) To Major Margaret Houlihan... my friend... my comrade... my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.

Sergeant Zale: I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!

Hawkeye: Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.

Klinger: I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!

Hawkeye: "Tugarraf?!"

BJ: That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.

Hawkeye: Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.

Klinger: That ain't part of the test!

Hawkeye: Yes, but how did you know?

Radar: He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!

Klinger: I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!

Hawkeye: No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.

The Gun

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.

Radar: I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.

Mail Call Again

[Frank is desperately trying to call his wife, but Radar is busy connecting another call in Ohio]

Frank: Don't give me any of your snottiness, I am not that old dimwit you work for!

(Colonel Potter turns around glaring at Burns)

Potter: The Ohio call is mine, Major.

Frank: [Nervously chuckles] I am just having a little joke with Radar.

Potter: (sternly) And watch that dimwit talk, Burns! Your bulb's been out since I met you!

Frank: Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.

Radar: (whispering to Frank) Frank Burns.

Frank: (To Louise) Frank Burns. Can you hold on a minute, Sugar?

(he glares at Radar and Klinger)

Frank: (yelling) GO PEDDLE YOUR FISH!!!!

(later on, Frank is talking to Louise in Colonel Potter's office)

Frank: Houlihan? Yes, we have a Major Houlihan, but that's laughable! I mean, Major Houlihan is an old war horse!

(Margaret overhears this insult, and she is furious!)

Frank: I don't care what your mother said. Attractive? Houlihan? She's like an army mule with bosoms!

(Once again, Margaret burns with rage at the insult!)

(A smug and cackling Frank, having lied to his wife, comes out of Potter's office, only to have a chair thrown at him! The chair breaks on impact!)

Margaret: (she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!

Frank: Margaret!

Margaret: Stuff it!!!

(She storms out of the office, and Frank follows her!)

Frank: I had to say what I did, try to understand!

Margaret: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!

Frank: Margaret, please!

Margaret: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!

Frank: Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!

(Margaret slams the door of her tent in his face)

Frank: Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!

Margaret: (throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!

Frank: [Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!

BJ: Sold.

Hawkeye: Are alterations included?

Frank: (annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!

Radar: (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie) "I love you, Walter."

BJ: Gee Dad, talkies.

Mulcahy: Who's Walter?

Radar: Oh, that's my given name.

Hawkeye: Give it back.

[Potter has found out that he's a grandfather. He starts to cry]

BJ: (to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?

Hawkeye: (tearfully) I lost the baby pool.

Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul. I won.

BJ: A little inside information, Father?

Mulcahy: No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!

(Several members of the 4077th are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)

Hawkeye: Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.

Potter: (slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!

Everyone: Hear Hear!

Klinger: (wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!

BJ: Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?

Klinger: I found it in the garbage.

Hawkeye: War is such a waste!

Potter: Klinger, it's you!

(Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")

The Price of Tomato Juice

Frank: Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.

Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.

Dear Ma

Margaret: Make sure no one goes into my tent.

Radar: I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.

Margaret: SOMEBODY does.

Radar: Maybe it's rats.

Margaret: You think RATS have been trying on my undies?

Radar: Some of them rats are weird.

Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.

Radar: Did she tell anybody?

Klinger: Nah! She didn't get it 'til December 9th.

Radar: Sir, there was just a Korean in here.

Frank: This country is crawling with Koreans. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean.

Potter: (talking to his wife on the phone) I'm perfectly fine mother. Yes it's just as Radar said, I'm at the Officers Club.

Radar: I'll have another beer.

Hawkeye: May I have the next tango Major?

Potter: Take it easy, the woman's not a nitwit. What's that Mother? Oh I do respect your premonitions. Yes, it was you who said my sister'd go bald. Happily, you're wrong this time.

Der Tag

Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.

Hawkeye

Hawkeye: (speaking to a pregnant Korean woman) By the way, I'm a doctor and I can tell you for certain that you're pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.

Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (hears the dog barking) This is fantastic!

Some 38th Parallels

BJ: These guys from your unit?

Col. Coner: I'm Colonel Coner

BJ: Oh, yeah. The famous advance man from Forest Lawn.

Frank: Oh, pay no attention, sir. Their sense of patriotism is stunted.

Hawkeye: Comes from smoking too many flags.

(Colonel Coner, a retrieval officer who brags about the body count of soldiers, is being confronted by Hawkeye and BJ)

Col. Coner: Our losses were insignificant.

Hawkeye: How many kids in an "insignificant"?

(After Coner had a bagful of garbage, that Hawkeye bought, dropped on top of him and his jeep)

BJ: BEAUTIFUL! Beautiful! A Tintoretto in barf! (he kisses his fingertips in appreciation)

Frank: I had dreams like this all through puberty!

Potter: I didn't see any of it, but I loved it!

Klinger: (to Hawkeye) You're a pistol, sir!

The Novocaine Mutiny

BJ: Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--

Hawkeye: In dresses.

Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a Section 8?

Potter: The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.

Hawkeye: Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

Colonel Carmichael: I have weighed the evidence, not just the evidence but the records of the two individuals. I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster and thoroughly non-military, but the records prove him to be a top-flight surgeon. I wouldn't want to lead a company of Pierces into battle, but I sure as hell would want him around after that battle was over!

Frank: What does the record say about MY surgical skills.

Colonel Carmichael: If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you would have been assigned as a pastry chef!

Smilin' Jack

Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.

BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.

BJ: (about Hawk's chicken leg) Where'd you get that?

Hawkeye: The Petrified Forest.

BJ: ...They still open?

The More I See You

BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.

Hawkeye: You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.

Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.

Deluge

Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.

Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!

Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!

The Interview

Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

Klinger: If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.

Father Mulcahy: When the doctors cut into a patient and it's cold, the way it is now...steam rises from the body...and the doctor will---will warm his hands over the open wound. (takes a deep breath) How could anyone look on that and not feel changed?

M*A*S*H (season 4)