MA*SH (season 3)

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M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.

The General Flipped at Dawn

General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.

General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.

General Steele: (inspecting Father Mulcahy) There are no atheists in foxholes!

Father Mulcahy: I've heard that.

General Steele: I'd like to see a shine on that cross, Father.

General Steele: (inspecting Radar O'Reilly) The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! (relenting and patting Radar's shoulders) Noncoms . . . the backbone of the service! Where are you from, son?

Radar: Iowa, sir—

General Steele: NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!

General Steele: (to Klinger) Not now, Marjorie. I'm inspecting the troops.

Steele, Blake, and Burns are out scouting for a new hospital site. Steele insists Blake salute him despite the fact that it may draw enemy fire. When they come under fire, Blake and Burns cower in the jeep; Steele draws his pistol:

General Steele: Men, we have a choice: we can fight or have LUNCH.

Blake/Burns: LUNCH!

General Steele: Okay, let's go.

Rainbow Bridge

Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.

Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?

Radar: [To Hawkeye and Trapper] Sleep well, Supermen.

Officer of the Day

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

Burns: At least carry the holster, Captain Fraidy Cat. (Hawkeye puts on the empty holster)

Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Margaret: Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

(silence)

Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

Iron Guts Kelly

Trapper: [looking at the dead General Kelly] He died with his boots on.

Hawkeye: And his socks off.

Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?

Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.

Hawkeye: Look, we both studied dead. This man is dead.

Colonel Wortman: What did he die of?

Trapper: Myocardial infarction.

Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?

Hawkeye: It means his pearl-handled pistols are up for grabs.

O.R.

Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.

Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.

Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.

Sidney: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.

Trapper: It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank. You're a D.U.L.

Frank: I'm from a very strict family. We weren't allowed to talk at meals, we couldn't even hum. Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.

Trapper: That's terrible.

Frank: I think that's why I became a snitch, so I could talk to somebody.

Trapper: You were a snitch, Frank?

Frank: I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him, and later I snitched on myself for not snitching.

Springtime

Hawkeye: (to disheveled Radar at show-end) Radar, what happened?

Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.

Klinger: Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!

Col. Blake: Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.

Margaret: (to Klinger at beginning of wedding) You have your nerve wearing white.

Klinger: Jealous?

Check Up

Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.

Hawkeye: [To Klinger, who's still wearing some women's clothes for his check-up] What's a pretty girl like you doing in a war like this?

Henry: (about Radar's tattoo) Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.

Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.

Life With Father

Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.

Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?

Trapper: My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

Alcoholics Unanimous

Frank: Lemmings must be directed to the sea.

Hawkeye: (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent) Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?

Trapper: Pardon my build.

Hawkeye: The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.

There Is Nothing Like a Nurse

Hawkeye: (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake) Watch the cake die of malpractice.

Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!

Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!

Henry: I'm not finking, Major.

Adam's Ribs

PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

Klinger: (On guard duty at night) Halt! What's the password.

Hawkeye: (in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or I'll split your head open.

Klinger: ...Close enough!

Hawkeye: (After Klinger says "liver.") Don't say Liver! You say that word again, I'll set your teeth on fire!

Hawkeye: (After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (while chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).

Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!

Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.

Trapper: (on the phone with old girlfriend) What're the ribs for?

Hawkeye: (whispers) Anatomy Practice!

Trapper: Anatomy Practice. Yeah, they don't let us use real people. The sauce? Well, uh.. they don't let us use fake blood either. ...You understand!?

Master Sgt. Tarola: What's in the package?

Hawkeye: Ribs and sauce from Chicago.

Master Sgt. Tarola: Adam's Ribs?

Hawkeye: You know it?

Master Sgt. Tarola: Are you kidding? I'm from Joliet. I'd walk to Chicago on my knees in the snow for a takeout order.

Trapper: He's one of you.

Master Sgt. Tarola: How many you got?

Hawkeye: 40 pounds.

Master Sgt. Tarola: I'll take twenty, and a quart of sauce.

Hawkeye: Ten, and a pint of sauce.

Master Sgt. Tarola: Twelve, and a pint and a half. And coleslaw.

Hawkeye: We didn't order any cole slaw.

Master Sgt. Tarola: You sent all the way to Chicago, and no cole slaw?

Hawkeye: Forgive us, we're draftees.

Trapper: (at show end as ribs are being served) Should we say grace?

Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.

Spoiler: Hawkeye never gets his ribs as he is called away to fix patients!

A Full Rich Day

Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!

Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!

Hawkeye [into a tape recorder for a recording he's sending home]: Say "hello," Trapper.

Trapper: Hello, Trapper.

Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.

Mad Dogs and Servicemen

Radar: (about the dog) Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.

Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.

Private Charles Lamb

Henry: (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb) Do I know… do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.

Trapper: Henry's not here.

Hawkeye: Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.

Bombed

Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.

(Henry knocks twice)

Klinger: Oh lord, he's dead.

Bulletin Board

Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?

Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.

Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Frank: Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

The Consultant

Henry: Bring me back something.

Hawkeye: No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!

Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.

House Arrest

Hawkeye: (referring to his prisoner of war package) Father, why?

Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.

Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.

Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.

Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.

Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.

Hawkeye: (watching a movie) What; what'd I miss?

Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.

Hawkeye: On the teeth?

Trapper: Right smack on.

Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Aid Station

Hawkeye: (about breakfast) This looks familiar.

Trapper: I once cut that up in med school.

Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?

Trapper: Last night's dinner.

Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.

[Hawkeye and Trapper prepare one last toast]

Hawkeye: Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?

Trapper: I don't know, they both mean so much to me.

Hawkeye: No kidding, let's drink to something important.

Hawkeye and Trapper: To the Ritz Brothers!

Hawkeye: Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

[Hawkeye, Margaret, and Klinger arrive at the remains of the aid station]

Margaret: You'd never know this is an aid station.

Capt. Dever: Our red cross got blown off with the roof.

Hawkeye: I finally make a house call and the house is gone.

Klinger: Damn Stalin, Truman, whoever!

Love and Marriage

(talking to Dr. Pak)

Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?

Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?

Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

Hawkeye: You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.

Pak: How so?

Hawkeye: As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.

Big Mac

Frank: As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret: How splendid, Major.

Henry: Very good, Frank.

Trapper: Lovely.

Hawkeye: Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

Hawkeye: Her father was a horse. Did you know that?

Trapper: Our engagement is off.

Payday

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.

Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.

Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.

Henry: You always say that, Radar, but you never do.

White Gold

Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!

Hawkeye: Good luck.

Klinger: (on guard duty) Halt! Who goes there?

Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.

Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.

Henry: Bullfeathers!

Klinger: That was LAST week's password.

Abyssinia, Henry

Henry: How'd you know my size?

Radar: [proudly] I traced you while you were asleep!

Trapper John: Henry, that suit is really you.

Hawkeye: If you're Adolphe Menjou.

[Radar has just walked into the surgeons' tent]

Trapper John: Radar, put your mask on! [This was Trapper's last line of the show. He goes home and is replaced by BJ in the next season]

Hawkeye: If that is my discharge, give it to me straight, I can take it!

Radar: I have a message: Lt. Col Henry Blake's plane...was shot down...over the Sea of Japan. It spun in...there were no survivors. [leaves in tears. Everybody is silent, until a dropped surgical tool gets their attention and they resume working]

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M*A*S*H (season 3)