Little Miss Jocelyn

television series

Little Miss Jocelyn (2006-2008) is a sketch comedy series written by Jocelyn Jee Essien.


  • This will take a loooooong time!
  • Never in the life of myself have I seen a such a vehicle (pronounced ve-hee-cle) of junkification.
  • I can do whatever the damnation I feel exclaimation mark!
  • The Queen, (pronounced 'quain') her majesty's rose (bows head)


  • No! No! No! Noooooahh!
  • Don't want it anymore


  • I don't got time!
  • use your pulley puller!
  • Do not believe people when they say you are safer travelling by air than you are on the roads because I have crashed my car into a plane before!
  • Just don't crash and you'll be fine.

Florence, the Juju nurse with the NHS

  • This is your last appointment, Save yourself!
  • Now take off your hair/coat and stand on the scales
  • Ooooh! Would you like to lick cake off my eyeballs? I keep them in a bowl!
  • Ooh, you are heavy!
  • The government doesn't want you to be this size/fat/heavy.
  • Mm-hmm!
  • Dream of this.


  • Cor blimey geezer mate!
  • You can't come on to my bus, flapping your map about, slap my face with a four-fingered glove!
  • (To passenger with a baby in a pram) Take your spaceship off my bus!
  • I am going to Kennington! Cheers, mate!
  • (Singing) Ing tha naame of Jesus! Ing tha naame of Jesus!
  • (To woman with poodle) Eh, take your sheep off my bus! What does this look like, Noah's ark?
  • Do I look like A to Z?
  • Do you do that at home?
  • Lots of my friends are fat and they would eat you!
  • Hey! Sodom and Gomorrah!

Toilet Attendant

  • Do you want a lollipop, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan??
  • (Coughing and spluttering noises) Hmmmmm! I don't need to ask what you did in there man. That was definitely a gallon of number 3!
  • And I'll give you some antibiotics, 'cos that water is contam-u-nated maan!
  • Voulez-vous le lollipop, mademoiselle, maaaaaaaaan!?
  • People go into my toilettes weighing 10 stone. They come out, weighing 9 stone 4 pounds.
  • What was that? A number 1,2,3 or 4?!
  • One pound!



(This is a scene in a clothes shop)

  • Salesman: Hey...(No answer) Hi... Hello...
  • Shop Assistant: ...Hiii...(bored tone)
  • Salesman: Err... I'm from a company called Simon-N-Tell...
  • Shop Assistant: Simon N Tell yeah...
  • Salesman: We err specialize in women's clothes...
  • Shop Assistant: Women's clothes (pronounced "clofes")
  • Salesman: Every piece is a one-off
  • Shop assistant: Piece one-off.
  • Salesman: So I was wondering if you would-
  • Shop Assistant: trying out some samples, yeah?
  • Salesman: Or shall I be speaking to the manager?
  • Shop Assistant: Should you be speaking to the manager?
  • Salesman: You don't have to buy 'em now.
  • Shop Assistant: Oh you don't wanna buy 'em now?
  • Salesman: I don't wanna buy 'em.
  • Shop Assistant: Have you seen anything else that you like?
  • Salesman: Sorry, It's been a long day-
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah It has been a long day.
  • Salesman: Oh it's only ten in the morning.
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah it's 10 o'cloooock!
  • Salesman: Yeah It hasn't been a long day for you.
  • Shop Assistant: So it hasn't been a long day for you.
  • Salesman: Yeah, it has been a long day for me, I've been travelling from Birmingham since five.
  • Shop Assistant: ... been travelling from Birmingham since five, yeah.
  • Salesman: Yeah. So what time did you start?
  • Shop Assistant: What time did you start?
  • Salesman: I just told I've been travelling from Birmingham since five.
  • Shop Assistant: ...travelling from Birmingham since five.
  • Salesman: Yeah so...
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah so... Okay

(Shop Assistant's friend enters)

  • Salesman: Ah sorry, are you... please tell me your the manager.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Okay... I'm the manager! (grins)
  • Salesman: I was trying to talk to your colleague..
  • Shop Assistant: He talking to your colleague...
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Colleague? What colleague?
  • Shop Assistant: Colleague? What colleague?
  • Salesman: You.
  • Shop Assistant: You.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Me.
  • Shop Assistant: Me
  • Salesman: Yes, you.
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah you
  • Shop Assistant's friend: But I've never spoken to you.
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah, she never even spoken to ya.
  • Salesman: You know I've had a really stressful day.
  • Shop Assistant: Oh it's been a stressful day.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Oh it's been such a stressful day but let's try and sort this out. Show us what you bought?
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah, show us what you bought.
  • Salesman: I didn't buy 'em
  • Shop Assistant: He didn't buy 'em.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: He didn't buy 'em then they're not yours to return.
  • Shop Assistant: They're not yours to return.
  • Salesman: They are mine but I didn't buy 'em here.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: You didn't buy 'em from here. Where did you buy 'em?
  • Shop Assistant Yeah, where'd you buy'em?
  • Salesman: I didn't buy 'em
  • Shop Assistant: He didn't buy 'em.
  • Shop Assistant's friend:(snatches clothing) You stolen them!
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah, have you stolen them?!
  • Salesman: (pause) I haven't stole anything.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Well then, let her fold otherwise people will think you stolen them!
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah... People will think you stolen 'em!
  • Salesman: What people? It's just the two of you and me.
  • Shop Assistant: Yeah, it's just the two of and me.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Yeah, it's just the two of and me.
  • Salesman: Listen, I al-
  • Shop Assistant: Listen.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Listen.
  • Salesman: No, please don't do that.
  • Shop Assistant: Don't do that.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Don't do what?
  • Shop Assistant: (pause) Don't do what?
  • Salesman: Just... just stop, alright-
  • Shop Assistant: Stop.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Stop.
  • Salesman: Could you stop? (fed up) I need to sit down.
  • Shop Assistant's friend: I tell you what, why don't you sit down-
  • Salesman: (snaps)Just be quiet for one minute, please!
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Okay. (To her friend) Be quiet.
  • Shop Assistant: Quiet-(Shop Assistant's friend shushs and her friends follows suit. They start shushing each other for quite a while)
  • Salesman: Could you just stop it-(They both shush him. He angrily gets up and picks his stuff up and leaves)
  • Shop Assistant's friend: Did he pay for those?
  • Shop Assistant: DID he pay for those?

  • Ignatius: Now, Babatunde Shola Abakunde Olubula Jeelufuwotee J.r
  • Son': (Cockney accent) Dad, why won't you just call me tony?
  • Ignatius: Hey! What have I told you about your accent? If you'r serious about becoming a mini-cab driver, and you want people to understand you, then you must speak in the appropriate manner.
  • Son: (Nigerian accent) Sorry daddy, I sometimes forget.
  • Ignatius: Umm hmm, So today, even though I'm your instructor remember, I'm also your father, your passenger and your licence issuer and that driving is about. Multitasking. Make sure you're doing at least three things at the same time.
  • Son: So can I drive, make a phone call, and cook sheep's head while I'm driving.
  • Ignatius: Of course, now why are we not moving, the suspence is killing so let's go fast fast I don't got tiiiimme!
  • Son': But Daddy, I have to put my keys in first.
  • Ignatius': Huh? What is key? You mean 'clanky clanker'? You're language is getting very bad. You have been in this country for too long.
  • Son: But daddy you too have been here for a long time
  • Ignatius: Yes but nobody knows cuz I don't got visa to prove it
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