Law & Order: Criminal Intent/Season 2

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Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2001- 2011) is a criminal drama television series, part of the popular Law & Order franchise created by Dick Wolf. The show focuses on the Major Case Squad, an elite group of detectives specializing in cases of political sensitivity or public attention.

Dead [2.01]

[The ritualistic murder of a mortuary worker leads Goren and Eames to a gruesome body dump and an organized hit man who has planned ahead.]

[Goren squeezes the sores on a corpse and produces pus. Eames winces.]

Eames: You must have been so much fun in biology class.

[Goren rolls the pus between his fingers and sniffs it.]

Goren: Actually my biology teacher, Mr. Dixon, didn't think I was much fun at all.

[Eames nods and fails to look surprised.]

[On the subject of drugs]

Teen: I don't know about that, man.

Eames: You don't know about fry sticks, clickums, wet daddies?

Teen: [impressed.] Damn.

[Deakins watches a pothead witness leave the conference room.]

Capt. Deakins: So that's what a brain looks like on embalming fluid.

Goren: I need to use my most important investigative tool. My library card.

[Two suspects discussing the dead mortician.]

Russell: Harry, he got killed over the weekend. Right in the funeral home.

Harry: God has a very peculiar sense of humor.

Eames: The fake boils, the crucifixion pose, it was all just to throw us off.

Goren: It's impressive.

Capt. Deakins: It's demented.

Goren: It worked.

Goren: Pacemakers have to be removed before cremation. Otherwise, the lithium batteries explode. Gives off a toxic fume and could damage the cremation chamber.

Capt. Deakins: Yeah, I heard silicon implants had to be removed. My buddy Martinelli in the 3-7 married a stripper.

Carver: Did the autopsy on Mr. Ferguson prove he'd been frozen, then thawed?

Capt. Deakins: The autopsy proved when it comes to medical science, you're better off asking The Magic 8-ball.

Goren: [to Harry] The same careful planning went into these crimes. [shows photos] Timing. Lack of forensic evidence. Except, of course, for... what the perpetrator chose to leave behind. And this is where I step back in awe. The planting of the DNA and the harvesting from human remains, you know, as a preemptive measure. It's a stroke of genius. [Harry says nothing.] Watching the police fumbling around must have been tremendous fun for the perpetrator, don't you think?

Bright Boy [2.02]

[A social worker and a deputy mayor are killed, bringing the Major Case squad in to investigate a school for young geniuses.]

[Goren uses tweezers to pick a piece of lint off the dead driver's suit.]

Goren: Looks like Webster had a passenger, sat close to him. Wore a purple cashmere sweater.

Eames: Tight-fitting size 2 with a plunging neckline.

[Goren inspects the lint with interest.]

Goren: Mm. That I can't tell from this.

Eames: I can tell from the bull he was feeding his wife.

[Deakins watches Goren and Eames enter the observation room after questioning a witness.]

Capt. Deakins: I smell square one up ahead.

[Goren pauses to look into a classroom where small children are working on a complicated math problem on the chalkboard.]

Dr. Leonard: Please. You're going to disturb the children.

Goren: Are they working on that problem on the board?

Dr. Leonard: Yes. This is a special math tutorial.

Goren: Really? These little kids are gonna solve that?

Dr. Leonard: These are profoundly gifted children.

Eames: You'll have to forgive my partner, Dr. Leonard. He's feeling very humble right now.

[Regarding a test that tests social adjustment.]

Eames: I remember this. We had to take it the last year of high school.

Goren: So did we.

Eames: How did you do?

Goren: I had to go to my counselor's office and have a talk with the school shrink.

[Eames chuckles.]

Goren: How about you?

Eames: Me? I was so well adjusted, they elected me prom queen.

Anti-Thesis [2.03]

[When a university professor is killed, the detectives encounter a convoluted plot masterminded by an Australian woman who isn't who she seems. Marks the first appearance of Nicole Wallace.]

Dr. Fellowes: You know why the battles in academia are so vicious. It's because the stakes are so low.

Wallace: Everyone knows academics are all talk and no action.

[Teaching a university class.]

Wallace: In American literature, the descent into madness is usually preceded by obsession. A consuming obsession. Example, anyone?

[The class is unresponsive.]

Wallace: Alright, I'll get you started. Moby Dick. What characterizes Ahab's obsession?

[Goren raises his hand in the back of the room.]

Wallace: Yes. In the back.

[Wallace realizes that it is Goren.]

Goren: The dogged, unrelenting pursuit of evil.

Wallace: Interesting. Evil. I always fancied it was man's unrelenting pursuit of his own potency.

Goren: Sometimes a whale is just a whale.

[Discussing a grad student's poor quality thesis.]

Wallace: It wouldn't butter your parsnips.

[Discussing Nicole Wallace.]

Goren: This woman is very, very good.

Wallace: How old were you when you first realized your mommy wasn't like all the other mommies?

[Goren slams out of his chair and stands. He walks around the table and sits down next to Wallace. He loosens his collar.]

Goren: Seven.

Wallace: Were you ashamed?

Goren: And frightened. It's my turn. How old were you when your father first molested you? [Wallace grows quiet] It's the only explanation for your intense hatred of men. The murders in Thailand were an attempt to correct the tragedy of your childhood. To punish your abuser. Absolving yourself of guilt by using a man to kill other men. Not that you think much of women either. Your mother, she was - what? Too scared, too drunk, too self-absorbed to protect you?

Wallace: [shaky] No. No. None of those things ever happened. None of those things are true.

Goren: That's why you can't form connections. That's why you use sex - it's an exercise in self-hatred. It's why when you came back from Thailand, you supported yourself with prostitution, didn't you, Nicole?

Wallace: [voice breaking] I am Elizabeth Hitchens, I am a professor in literature...

Goren: [pounding his fist in the table] No! No. When I met you, you wanted me to know who you truly were; how smart, how funny, how charming you are. You wanted me to know you, Nicole Wallace, a sparkling, little girl who survived horrible abuse with her wits intact.

[Goren and Eames arrive too late to arrest Wallace and find she has already abandoned her apartment.]

Eames: What did you think, she'd have scones and a glass of sherry for us?

Best Defense [2.04]

[Attempts on an ADA friend of Carver's result in a shooting done in self-defense, and all evidence points to the ADA's wife as the attempted murderer.]

Goren: You're really good at keeping secrets. Me, I just run off at the mouth.

Martinez: Gary Burke is dead.

Eames: How do you know that?

Martinez: PNN. Prison News Network.

Goren: That's the same place we get our news from.

Goren: That's a nice, uh, what you're wearing. I mean, where'd you get that from? From Peru? What do they call that? A serap-- s ... serape. No it's a s... s... s--

Martinez: ...Sweater.

Capt. Deakins: The guy's a prosecutor. He knows losing a case is part of the game.

Eames: There's losing, and then there's losing to your wife.

Goren: And then there's getting your balls handed to you on a platter.

Chinoiserie [2.05]

[The murder of a Chinese woman in Chinatown put detectives on the trail of a soldier from the Tiananmen square massacre, and the illegal smuggling of Chinese antiques.]

[Goren calls Eames over to inspect the contents of an oven found in a warehouse.]

Eames: Aha. Illegal baking.

[Goren explains the calligraphy found on scraps of paper to an increasingly bewildered Deakins.]

Goren: This type of calligraphy, the elongated character, the sharp brush strokes, is in the Imperial style of early Qing dynasty, 18th century. It evolved from the thin gold calligraphy developed by the Emperor Huizong.

Eames: [to Deakins] He got that off his box of Wheaties this morning.

Eames: You look familiar.

Weems: My last gig. I was the plump and happy raisin in a snack food commercial. Am I in trouble?

Eames: You tell us. You checked into a hotel under an assumed name, forged papers were delivered to your room, an associate of yours is suspected of murdering a woman.

Goren: You don't look so plump and happy now, George.

Goren: It never occurred to you that something illegal was afoot?

Weems: I'm an actor. I'm constantly broke. It was a couple of nights at the St. Francis. It sounded like fun.

Goren: Fantastic.

Goren: This has to be some kind of situation you have on your hands.

Gaston: Why do you say that?

Goren: Well, you've loosened your tie, you got a drink on your desk, you got three phone lines blinking, and you're chewing the inside of your cheeks like some kind of frantic chipmunk.

[Goren pauses briefly and Gaston gets increasingly nervous.]

Goren: Are you under a lot of stress?

Goren: We are discreet with innocent victims. If they behave like innocent victims.

Eames: Why do you have these forged documents?

Lucille Mobray: I thought it would be fun to have them.

Eames: Well, we think it would be fun for these guys to take you down to our interrogation room.

Eames: The Chinese should be happy to get that back. It's the only one of its kind.

Goren: Annie Ming Littleton (the murder victim) was one of a kind.

Malignant [2.06]

[The hijacking of a drug delivery van accidentally leads detectives to a case of cancer drug tampering.]

[Goren climbs on top of a pharmacy counter.]

Pharmacist: Excuse me, but...

Eames: Don't worry. He does this all the time.

Rodgers: Of those, I identified 14 cancer patients who statistically should be alive if they received the right dosage of chemotherapy. 9 families gave me permission to exhume the bodies.

Goren: Only 9. You must have some bedside manner.

Rodgers: There's a reason I work with dead people.

Mills: I can't help noticing, Detective, the way you pull together all these different elements. Good stuff.

[Goren chuckles and looks at Eames.]

Goren: It's good stuff.

Mills: Detective, shame is a very underrated emotion. In the big city, it's very easy to go unnoticed by others, so your conscience becomes your only witness. And for most of us, that's not enough.

Eames: I can't imagine what he went through, waiting for her to die.

Goren: That must've been the worst hour of his life.

Eames: Hour? He said two days.

Goren: Well, I'm pretty sure I heard him say an hour.

Eames: (understanding) Maybe I need a prescription for my hearing.

Tomorrow [2.07]

[The brutal murder of a rich man's children and their friend is a mystery until detectives start to focus on the strange fantasy life of the family's nanny.]

Capt. Deakins: The evil stepmother had the kids whacked. By who? The big bad wolf?

[When Goren and Eames try to get Carver to get a juvenile file unsealed based on the fact they found peas lined up in a row next to the body and one of the nannies lines corn kernels up in a row.]:

Carver: All you have is peas and corn kernels. You're a few lima beans short of succotash, Detectives.

Goren: Uh, Succotash?

Carver: Your evidence is anecdotal. I line up my shoes at night.

Eames: Why am I not surprised?

Goren: Who's the worst pro bono lawyer you know?

Carver: The worst? That's easy. Stan Shatenstein.

Goren: Um, You know, hypothetically, how would we get Stan Shatenstein assigned to two defendents. What would we do?

Carver: What would you do? Hypothetically?

Carver: Well, our little ploy worked. She gave up her sister.

Goren: "Gave up". Yes. And no.

[From the deleted scenes]

Carver: Your professional opinion is the best evidence we have so far.

Dr. Skoda: That wasn't an opinion. That was me playing air guitar.

The Pilgrim [2.08]

[Goren and Eames try to stop an American terrorist]

Edwards: I was sent by God.

Eames: So were we.

Eames: The more I know, the less I sleep.

Goren: What I wanna know, Ethan, is when you went searching for God, how did you end up looking for targets?

Shandeh [2.09]

[The investigation of a trophy wife's murder involves the victim's domineering mother-in-law and a powerful family business]

Eames: Murderer, arsonist. Jack of all trades.

Goren: Yeah, and master of none.

Goren: We're pretty good at connecting the dots.

Eames: She broke the laws of her faith, so what does she do about it?

Goren: You commit one sin, the next ones come a little easier.

Con-Text [2.10]

[The investigation of an apparent murder-suicide involves an underachiever and a charismatic self-help guru]

Goren: They use the same psychological coercion as cults.

Eames: So did the guy who sold me my car.

Goren: And that's when you overcame your biggest fear. You changed your way of being.

Morgan: Yes!

Goren: You killed your dad and transformed your life.

Morgan: [nods, smiling] Yes, I did.

Eames: And you killed your brother for the same reason.

Goren: The brother who had loved you, who watched over you.

Morgan: It's wasn't real love. The context wasn't authentic. He watched out for me out of guilt. It's old stuff.

Goren: It's in the past. You killed your dad and you... let it go.

Morgan: Yes!

Goren: Well, so then you became everything that Grace Note promised you. I mean, like it says here in the brochure, look! You became creator of your own destiny! Wow, look at you! You're a success story!

Baggage [2.11]

[Goren and Eames investigate the murder of an airport baggage handler, and find a suspect trying to live out his fantasy life]

Goren: I almost forgot, I once busted a stripper who did a thing with a glow stick, do they do that there?

Pens: Yeah, they do that.

Eames: [to Goren] I can't believe you touched that thing.

Carver: That's the problem with most men: they want what they can't get and don't want what they have.

Eames: No, the problem with men is they talk too much.

Suite Sorrow [2.12]

[The owner of a luxury hotel is murdered, and suspicion falls on her long-suffering daughter]

Goren: Botox works by paralyzing the--the nerves around the facial muscles, doesn't it?

Eames: Does it look like I'd know?

Goren: What's 1 check, when you can marry the checkbook?

Reyfield: It wasn't an accident. Is that what you're inferring?

Goren: You mean "implying", the listeners "infer".

Eames: And detectives "speculate", since we don't know the cause of death yet.

See Me [2.13]

[Goren and Eames investigate the murder of a psychiatrist and suspect an opthamologist]

Garcia: It's a wonderful painting. So full of hope.

Goren: Well, it certainly is, umm… full of something.

Eames: They drove around for half an hour and then went back to Garcia House.

Goren: They let one of them out. He had to go to the bathroom, so they let him take a pee off the pier.

Capt. Deakins: Off the pier? That's compassion.

Carver: I won't go near a grand jury if your only evidence is the ramblings of a lone deranged individual.

Goren: How 'bout the ramblings of ten deranged individuals?

Goren: [about the Van Gogh paintings in Dysart's waiting room] Now, are you a fan, or are these up here to convince your patients they have eye problems?

Dysart: I put them up to invite ridiculous questions.

Probability [2.14]

[A psychiatrist's murder leads to the investigation of a corrupt charity and a killer whose M.O. fascinates Goren]

Eames: [to Goren, about Stevens] I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.

Goren: We arrested his girlfriend.

Stevens: She probably has the money. Women like money.

Goren: So do men.

Stevens: That's because women like men with money.

Monster [2.15]

[A notorious murderer's parole leads to the reopening of a high-profile rape case]

Eames: Marston is sitting pretty high in the saddle.

Goren: Let's put a burr under that saddle.

Dietrich: One thing I learned in prison, Mom, is not to kill the girls I have sex with.

Goren: [to Chantal] Mark, he told us that there's 3 varieties of murder groupies: victims, psychos, and shrinks.

Eames: He said with you he's got "3 mints in 1."

Cuba Libre [2.16]

[Goren and Eames investigate a paranoid millionaire's ties to a gangster and a brutal murder]

Goren: He shoots wild....probably one-handed, cocked to one side.

Eames: [sarcastically] Like in the gangsta flicks.

Milton Winters: It's these cops! They're trying to kill me! They're after me!

Goren: For once, you're right -- we are after you. Milton Winters, you're under arrest!

Powers: You're a devil.

Eames: You should see me in a blue dress.

Cold Comfort [2.17]

[Goren and Eames investigate the murder of a billionaire philanthropist and his daughter]

Eames: This wasn't a robbery gone bad.

Goren: It's murder gone good.

Goren: [to Spencer Durning] Shame on you.... Humanitarian... to everything and everyone, except your son... your son's tragedy. Because, Spence, however much you may like humanity, it's people that you can't stand.

Legion [2.18]

[The murder of a man and his son leads Goren and Eames to a confrontation with an aggressive Neighborhood Watch]

Eames: In this neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch watches the cops.

Capt. Deakins: Well, it's nice to see kids reading the classics.

Eames: And learning all the wrong lessons.

Cherry Red [2.19]

[Goren and Eames investigate an elderly woman's murder and delve into the world of collector cars to find the killer]

Coffman: [to Goren] You know, you're awfully snoopy.

Eames: A lot of people point that out.

Carver: What was it Clarence Darrow said? "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."

Goren: Only if you let them.

[Eames walks in on Goren and Carver admiring very well-made model cars.]

Eames: You two having a play date?

Blink [2.20]

[The murder of a young collegian leads to the world of gambling and a man without fear]

Goren: He's entered the lion's den. Bold?

Eames: He's out of his mind.

Goren: It's worse. He doesn't know fear.

Eames: Well, will wonders never cease? He blinked.

Carver: He may be human after all.

Goren: Optimist.

Granshaa [2.21]

[The brutal murder of a probation officer, run over by a car three times, leads Detectives Goren and Eames to a clannish family]

Goren: Let's just say we're not not suspecting him.

Goren: Maybe one of these criminals isn't so petty.

Zoonotic [2.22]

[The murder of a crooked cop puts Goren and Eames on the trail of an obsessively clean doctor whose previous girlfriends all seem to be afflicted with a virus found only in animals]

Eames: Typhoid Roger. You dump him, you get sick.

Goren: Blackmail him, you get killed.

Rodgers: They're obscure, potentially lethal zoonotic viruses, meaning they're found in animals.

Capt. Deakins: Anything I could catch from my local vet?

Rodgers: Not unless he's been in the Southern Hemisphere playing fetch with flying bats.

Dr. Borman: Well, the directors think I'm a good ambassador for the zoo. [spits]

Eames: [disgusted] Because you have so much in common with your animals?

Megan: [about Stern] I started crying, and he got this... this... little smile. He saw me crying and he smiled.

Goren: Most killers get satisfaction from witnessing their handiwork. Not these two. when they inject these women, it's "Fire and forget".

Carver: A voyeur and an exhibitionist. It's a wonder they found each other.

Eames: As far as finding other victims, now we have two hundred and sixty-seven pathogens Stern might have used.

Carver: This just doesn't stop.

A Person of Interest [2.23]

[A series of poisonings leads to another battle of wits between Goren and his archnemesis, Nicole Wallace]

Wallace: Hello, Bobby. I would call you Detective Goren, but given your press coverage lately, you'd probably want a low profile. Keep your hands on deck. We don't want you playing with your pistol under the table.

Goren: [about Wallace framing Croydon] She picked a man who I already didn't trust, who I already didn't respect. That's how she blindsided me. She, uh... she picked a man like my father. She got me. She got me good.

Eames: Then let's get her back.

[Goren tries to test Nicole Wallace for anthrax as part of a ruse to arrest her]

Goren: Give me your hand.

Wallace: If you just wanted to hold my hand, Bobby, you really didn't have to go through such measures. Is it everything you imagined?

Goren: Don't flatter yourself. I see in you what your other conquests don't.

Wallace: Ah, yes, the famous Goren vision. A little short-sighted lately, though, with one glaring blind spot.

Goren: We all have our off days.

Goren: You've become the abuser of that sparkling little girl. You pimp her out, you make her sleep with men and women she doesn't want to, what, to serve your pathological needs and theirs?

Wallace: Well, this will come as news to Gavin. We've fooled ourselves into thinking we're in love. Thank God Detective Goren is here to save us.

Goren: No, you just listen to me! You just listen to me now!

Wallace: My, how you hate being contradicted!

Goren: I believe there is a part of you that loves Gavin - the decent part of Nicole that's hidden inside that bunker you call a heart. You know, the last time you sat here, you confronted the truth. It hurt. So you had to shoot the messenger. Hmm? If I could be wrong about Dan Croydon, how could I be right about you? Well, you blew it, Nicole, your one chance for happiness, with Gavin. One chance, and you had to come back to me? You couldn't leave well enough alone. That's the price of denial.

Wallace: Don't think for a second that this is the end of us, Bobby.