King of the Hill (season 5)
The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season King of the Hill.
The Perils of Polling [5.2]Edit
- Dale: "That makes a whole lot of sense... A whole lot of nonsense!"
I Don't Want to Wait for Our Lives to Be Over... [5.3]Edit
- Kahn: [Answering a knock at the door] Use doorbell, you idiot. [Kahn opens the door and sees Joseph standing there] Connie, it's for you!
- Connie: If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face!
- Kahn: Oh, I wish it was, so I could!
- Minh: Boy, that little hillbilly pack quite a wallop. You want some neproxin?
- Joesph: No, I'm okay.
- Minh: How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?
- Joesph: [sighs and stares at Minh and kisses her]
- Connie: Joseph? [Minh is laughing] What's going on?
- Minh: Oh, you so cute. Kahn gonna get a big kick out of this.
- Connie: Joseph? How could you? [throws a towel at him and runs away]
- Joesph: Sorry, I just... I thought you liked me.
- Minh: Oh yeah. You rock my world [laughs]
When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6]Edit
- Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.
T'was the Nut Before Christmas [5.8]Edit
- [Hank and Peggy are looking at all the children at the Santa's Village at Bill's house.]
- Peggy: Rented snow machines, all these lights-- it's like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
- Hank: It's Christmas and Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels-- great.
- [The Hills are trying to drive through the congested traffic on their street, when Dale knocks on Hank's window.]
- Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.
- Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.
- Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. [yells to Octavio, off-screen]
Octavio! La bomba le automobilo. No scratcho. Comprende?
- [Wally is looking into Luanne's yard over Bill's fence.]
- Wally: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?
- Luanne: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my t-shirt.
- [Hank approaches Wally.]
- Wally: You lose something over here?
- Hank: I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.
- Wally: I don't think so.
- Hank: Believe me, I've done it before.
- [Wally holds up Bill's house key.]
- Hank: Well, how did you get Bill's key chain? Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.
- Wally: He gave it to me. Now, get off our property, or I'll citizen arrest you.
- Hank: Damn it, when Bill comes home...
- Wally: [mockingly] "Weh Beh guh hum..."
- Hank: What the hell are you doing?
- Wally: "Whu de huh ur da doon?"
- [Hank storms off as Wally's friends laugh.]
- [Bobby, Connie, and Joseph walk up to Wally.]
- Wally: I believe you guys are first-time callers, so I'm only going to charge you a buck.
- Bobby: For what?
- Wally: Beer.
- Connie: We'd better go.
- Bobby: Why? Because beer's not TV-14? Set me up, my man.
- [Wally hands Bobby a 40 ounce bottle of Alamo beer. Bobby is hesitant to take it.]:
- Wally: What's the matter? 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.
- Bobby: Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers, but hey, it's the weekend.
- [Moments later, The kids are in the bounce house, groaning drunkenly.]
- Bobby: [huddling up against Connie] Come here. Just think, Connie girl, when we're all grown-ups and marrieds, we'll get to do this every night.
- Connie: Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows.
- Joseph: [staring at the ceiling] Look at the stars. There's... so many of them.
- Bobby: Yeah.
- Connie: Cool.
- Wally: You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system.
- [The kids try to stand up, but are too drunk to do so. They start laughing as Hank finds them.]
- Hank: Bobby?
- Bobby: Hey, Dad! I like beer! [immediately turns around and vomits.]
Hank and the Great Glass Elevator' [5.11]Edit
- Bill: "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"
- Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!
- Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?
Now Who's the Dummy?' [5.12]Edit
- [Dale has hired Octavio to destroy a puppet that frightens him. Octavio spies on Hank and Bobby while Dale spies on Octavio.]:
- Octavio: (Into a tape recorder) 11:15 A.M.: The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.
- Dale: (Into a tape recorder) 11:16: Octavio speaks into tape recorder, thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of!
- [Dale opens his glove-box and moves a pistol aside. Then he takes out a notepad and begins to write.]
- Dale: Dear Octavio, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write...
- Dale: (After inhaling chloroform) You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaaa.... (passes out)
- Computer: Perimeter Breach!
- Dale: Perimeter breach? [Clicks through his different security cameras and sees the Bobby puppet looking at him through one of the cameras. Dale screams and inhales chloroform] You'll never catch Dale Griiiiib..... [Passes out. Scene cuts to the outside, showing Bobby holding the puppet to the camera with Hank looking on.
- Hank Hill: Heh, you were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun.
Ho Yeah [5.13]Edit
- Hank Hill: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.
- [Trying to act like a pimp while confronting one.]
- Hank Hill: Alright, man, get outta that Jalopy and let's talk some bui'ness!
- Hank Hill: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County, I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell outta my 'hood!
- Hank Hill: You get out... your hooker stuff... of my house!
- [Realizing the pimp realated stuff going on]
- Hank Hill: Son of a... BWAAH!!
The Exterminator [5.14]Edit
- Dale: Up yours, Joseph!
- Nancy: Dale!
- Dale: I'm sorry son, that's the coffee talking. And the florescent lighting. And the excruciating headache.
- Nancy: Make some time for the roaches, shug.
- Dale: We'd all love to make time for roaches, but in the real world, people have to spend all night reconciling invoices or [raising his voice] Ms. Pippman WON'T LET THEM WEAR JEANS OR A KNIT SHIRT NEXT FRIDAY!
- Dale: "Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several)
Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15]Edit
A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.
- Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?
- Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.
- Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your whatnots.
- [Hank learns that Peggy had sex with another man before she got married.]
- Hank: Bwaaah!!!
- Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel better.
- Hank: BWAAAAAAAAAH!!!
- Peggy: Of course it doesn't.
It's Not Easy Being Green [5.17]Edit
- Boomhauer: (To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)
- Hank: Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?
- Bill: 'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.
Hank's Back Story [5.19]Edit
- Dr. Tate : Mr. Hill, you have no ass.
- Hank: You want me to wear a fake hiney?
- Dr. Tate: Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?
- Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. Yer wearin' butt boobies!
- Diminished Glutes Support Group: [Chanting at race]: We're here! No rear! Get used to it!
Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story [5.20]Edit
- Dale: (When Dale's Porta Potti collapses while Hanks's in it) "He's a squatter!"
- Senior#1: (Enters the boys' bathroom with his friends while Bobby is washing his hands) "Ha. Hey, Fresh meat, This is the seniors bathroom. I'm gonna shove your head in the toilet".