King of the Hill (season 5)

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King of the Hill (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

The Perils of Polling [5.2]

Dale: "That makes a whole lot of sense... A whole lot of nonsense!"

I Don't Want to Wait [5.3]

Kahn: [Answering a knock at the door] Use doorbell, you idiot. [Kahn opens the door and sees Joseph standing there] Connie, it's for you!

Connie: If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face!

Kahn: Oh, I wish it was, so I could!

[Bobby was holding a piece of cake on a plate.]

Bobby: [about Connie] Connie, I rehearsed an apology but I'm gonna throw it away because nothing says "I'm sorry" like "I'm sorry." Connie, I rehearsed an apology but... [drops the piece of cake and sees her kissing Joseph out the window]

Minh: Boy, that little hillbilly pack quite a wallop. You want some neproxin?

Joseph: No, I'm okay.

Minh: How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?

Joseph: [sighs and stares at Minh’s cleavage and kisses her]

Connie: Joseph? [Minh is laughing] What's going on?

Minh: Oh, you so cute. Kahn gonna get a big kick out of this.

Connie: Joseph? How could you? [throws a towel at him and runs away]

Joseph: Sorry, I just... I thought you liked me.

Minh: Oh yeah. You rock my world [laughs]

When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6]

Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.

T'was the Nut Before Christmas [5.8]

[Hank and Peggy are looking at all the children at the Santa's Village at Bill's house.]

Peggy: Rented snow machines, all these lights-- it's like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.

Hank: It's Christmas and Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels-- great.

[The Hills are trying to drive through the congested traffic on their street, when Dale knocks on Hank's window.]

Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.

Hank: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.

Dale: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. [yells to Octavio, off-screen]

Octavio! La bomba le automobilo. No scratcho. Comprende?

[Wally is looking into Luanne's yard over Bill's fence.]

Wally: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?

Luanne: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my t-shirt.

[Hank approaches Wally.]

Wally: You lose something over here?

Hank: I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.

Wally: I don't think so.

Hank: Believe me, I've done it before.

[Wally holds up Bill's house key.]

Hank: Well, how did you get Bill's key chain? Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.

Wally: He gave it to me. Now, get off our property, or I'll citizen arrest you.

Hank: Damn it, when Bill comes home...

Wally: [mockingly] "Weh Beh guh hum..."

Hank: What the hell are you doing?

Wally: "Whu de huh ur da doon?"

[Hank storms off as Wally's friends laugh.]

[Bobby, Connie, and Joseph walk up to Wally.]

Wally: I believe you guys are first-time callers, so I'm only going to charge you a buck.

Bobby: For what?

Wally: Beer.

Connie: We'd better go.

Bobby: Why? Because beer's not TV-14? Set me up, my man.

[Wally hands Bobby a 40 ounce bottle of Alamo beer. Bobby is hesitant to take it.]:

Wally: What's the matter? 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.

Bobby: Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers, but hey, it's the weekend.

[Moments later, The kids are in the bounce house, groaning drunkenly.]

Bobby: [huddling up against Connie] Come here. Jus' think, Connie girl, when we're grown-ups and marrieds, we'll get to do this every night.

Connie: Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows.

Joseph: [staring at the ceiling] Look at the stars. There's... so many of them.

Bobby: Yeah.

Connie: Cool.

Wally: You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system.

[The kids try to stand up, but are too drunk to do so. They start laughing as Hank finds them.]

Hank: Bobby?

Bobby: Hey, Dad! I like beer! [immediately turns around and vomits.]

Hank: You, you, and you go home now! [drags Wiley] You get the hell out of here. [Wiley blows a puff of smoke at his face, and drops it to the ground.] That does it. I've had about enough of this Christmas crap Bill. [to Bill] Dang it, Bill! Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood. Good kids. The kind that don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.

Bill: Wally would never kill me. He told me so! That kind of communication is very important in a father-son style relationship.

Hank: What? Is that my belt Sander?

Bill: No. It's mine. Wally bought it and gave it to me as a present.

Hank: Yeah? Then why does it have the same serial number as my warranty card?

Bobby: I Did Ten Sit Ups And I Try To Do A Push Up Can I Go Back To Sleep Now

Hank: You Had A Chance To Sleep Last Night Mister But You Decided To Go Parting Instead Now Get A Rag And Start Washing Windows

Hank: Wally Was Not Your Family My God I've Thrown Out Propane Tanks It Would Make You Better Son Than Wally

Yankee Hankee [5.10]

Hank Hill: (Looking at his birth certificate on the computer) Place of birth: New York, NY!? BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Cotton Hill: Well, I suppose-- SUCKER PUNCH!

Interior scene, the Alamo. Hank comes across an array of various state and national flags. He reads the plaque next to them.

Hank Hill: (reading) "These thirty-two flags honor the birthplaces of the Alamo defenders. Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, New York..." New York?

Hank notices and lifts the state flag of New York to see.

Hank Hill: (continuing) "...they were born across America, but they died Texas heroes."^[1]

Hank and the Great Glass Elevator' [5.11]

Bill: "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"

Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?

Hank: (outraged) You brought charcoal into our house!

Peggy: I didn't know what it was! Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!

Hank: There's soot under my boy's nails. You don't get that from a clean-burning fuel.

Bobby: Then you don't get the rich, smoky flavor either.

Hank: Shut your mouth! Now, we're going to sit here and pray.

Now Who's the Dummy?' [5.12]

[Dale has hired Octavio to destroy a puppet that frightens him. Octavio spies on Hank and Bobby while Dale spies on Octavio.]:

Octavio: (Into a tape recorder) 11:15 A.M.: The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.

Dale: (Into a tape recorder) 11:16: Octavio speaks into tape recorder, thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of!

[Dale opens his glove-box to reveal a pistol...which he moves aside. Then he takes out a notepad and begins to write.]

Dale: (monotone) Dear Octavio, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write...

[After dale puts Chip through a wood-chipper]

Hank Hill: Dale, are you nuts!?

Dale: You'll never put that creep back together! I mixed him in with two chairs and a toboggan! Ha ha ha!

Hank Hill: You're next! I'm kicking your ass through that thing!!

Dale: [inhales chloroform] You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaaa.... [passes out]

Computer: Perimeter Breach!

Dale: Perimeter breach? [Clicks through his different security cameras and sees the Bobby puppet looking at him through one of the cameras. Dale screams and inhales chloroform] You'll never catch Dale Griiiiib..... [Passes out. Scene cuts to the outside, showing Bobby holding the puppet to the camera with Hank looking on.

Hank Hill: Heh, you were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun.

Ho Yeah [5.13]

Hank Hill: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.

[Trying to act like a pimp while confronting one.]

Hank Hill: Alright, man, get outta that Jalopy and let's talk some bui'ness!

Hank Hill: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County, I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell outta my 'hood!

Hank Hill: You get out... your hooker stuff... of my house!

[Realizing the pimp realated stuff going on]

Hank Hill: Son of a... BWAAH!!

The Exterminator [5.14]

Dale: Up yours, Joseph!

Nancy: Dale!

Dale: I'm sorry son, that's the coffee talking. And the florescent lighting. And the excruciating headache.

Nancy: Make some time for the roaches, shug.

Dale: We'd all love to make time for roaches, but in the real world, people have to spend all night reconciling invoices or [raising his voice] Ms. Pippman WON'T LET THEM WEAR CHINOS OR A KNIT SHIRT NEXT FRIDAY!

Dale: "Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several)

Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15]

A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.

Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?

Luanne Platter: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.

Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your whatnots.

[Hank learns that Peggy had sex with another man before she got married.]

Hank: Bwaaah!!!

Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel better.

Hank: BWAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Peggy: Of course it doesn't.

It's Not Easy Being Green [5.17]

Hank: So help me God. Hey, this isn't the Bible, it's a Harry Potter book.

Girl: We're not allowed to bring the Bible to school.

Boomhauer: (To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)

Hank: Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?

Bill: 'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.

Hank's Back Story [5.19]

Dr. Tate : Mr. Hill, you have no ass.

Hank: You want me to wear a fake hiney?

Dr. Tate: Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?

Cotton Hill: Good God, Hank. Yer wearin' butt boobies!

Diminished Glutes Support Group: [Chanting at race]: We're here! No rear! Get used to it!

Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story [5.20]

Dale: (When Dale's Porta Potti collapses while Hanks's in it) "He's a squatter!"

Senior #1: (Enters the boys' bathroom with his friends while Bobby is washing his hands) "Ha. Hey, Fresh meat, This is the seniors bathroom. I'm gonna shove your head in the toilet".

Notes

1.^ Six New Yorkers gave their lives at the Alamo:

Pvt. Robert Cunningham
Pvt. Lewis Dewall
Pvt. Samuel B. Evans
Capt. John Hubbard Forsyth
1st. Lt. John Jones
Pvt. James Tylee

External links

Wikipedia

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King of the Hill

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