Judge John Hodgman
American comedic court show podcast hosted by John Hodgman
- Judge John Hodgman: Finally my friend came with the shoes that were too big for me. I wear a 9 and these were like an 11, and I shuffled in ridiculously. They asked me to whisper the password to the owl that opens the secret door that lets you go into the Magic Castle. And you know what I whispered? "Are you happy now, you stupid owl? I don't look like a magician. I look like a well-dressed clown."
- Judge John Hodgman: I feel like I'm watching the videotape in The Ring. It's this completely weird array of disconnected stimuli that just serves to make me sicker and sicker and more confused and scared. What's going on?
- Jesse Thorn: We have video of a grown man building ziplines for action figures in what appeared to be some kind of shantytown.
- Judge John Hodgman: He probably read a lot about literary theory, probably [saw] some weird arthouse movies, maybe started wearing a toupee, and also stopped saying 'excuse me' upon flatulence.
- Judge John Hodgman: What you put in your Top 25 doesn't matter to me. You are an authority only in your own personal weird basement full of moths. We can have a conversation about which movie is better than the other. But you're stipulating to, 'Well, it's still in my Top 100'… look, I don't care. No offense. I don't care. But if you're sitting here, via Skype, telling me that 30 Days Of Night [is better than The Exorcist]—look, I like Danny Huston a lot, but it just doesn't track for me, sir. It just doesn't track.
- Judge John Hodgman: When I record this podcast, I am using a Coleco Adam computer add-on that I have forged onto an Intellivision console using Odyssey controllers. And then I am using tin foil attached to a Timex Sinclair as a kind of antenna to wirelessly broadcast this to you throughout the country.
- Jesse Thorn: You can just order butter from the milkman like everybody else does.
- Judge John Hodgman: Paul, your wife has said that the complementary dog to your manhood is a skinny, sedate, easily pushed-over, constantly scared dog that is used to chasing mechanical rabbits until it is no longer good enough, and then put down.
- Adam: It's not uncommon [for bats to live in chimneys of old houses]. It's just uncommon to keep them there.
- Judge John Hodgman: Now, now, now. This is getting dangerously close to compromise before I've even had a chance to tell one of you that you're wrong.
- Judge John Hodgman: You have just hit upon one one of the court's greatest pet peeves: people who say "When I go to the movies, I'm just looking for a fun ride." You know why I hate that, Raj? There are things in life called fun rides. They exist at amusement parks. You go on them, and they're fun. You don't need to go to a movie to have a fun ride, you go on a fun ride to have a fun ride. A movie can, of course, provide a fun ride, but I think it has an obligation to provide more, because it can't add what a fun ride can add, which is animatronic birds singing songs, and loop-de-loops, and other people screaming and pouring soda on you.
- Judge John Hodgman: I don’t want to compare Judaism to pornography, but I know it when I see it.
- Judge John Hodgman: Do you have a tattoo of Olive Oyl's brother Castor Oyl? Do you have a tattoo of Charles Nelson Reilly before he hit it big—with "big" in quotation marks? … Do you have a full-face tattoo of John Cazale’s face on your face?
- Jesse Thorn: How many times through an hour-long seven season series- how many times watching the full run do you go from enthusiast to insane person?
- Judge John Hodgman: I can't answer that because there are only four seasons of Battlestar Galactica.
- Judge John Hodgman: People pee into jugs all around the world; don't think that Portland has the artisanal grip on that particular trend.
- Jeremy: Wearing a Phillies hat to a Dodgers/Reds game- it's like crashing a Civil War battle reenactment wearing like a Power Rangers costume or like a samurai costume or something.
- Judge John Hodgman: What you just described was AWESOME.
- Judge John Hodgman: [Snakes On A Plane] is the old-school Sharknado.
- Judge John Hodgman: Do you know using the word "ostentatious" is itself ostentatious?
- Judge John Hodgman: You can't just BitTorrent everything, including the popcorn you want.
- Jesse Thorn: Eugene, it was so nice to meet you. Will you autograph this digital copy of Bob's Burgers? Which is how young people watch videos.
- Eugene Mirman: Yes, I would love to sign your phone.
- Judge John Hodgman: People like what they like. They're gonna do what they're gonna do.
- "The Right to Remain Silent", November 14, 2013
- Jesse Thorn: Did the two of you guys have a discussion before you came on the show about wanting to seem like the worst people in the world, or does that just come naturally to you?
- Judge John Hodgman: If you have a certain kind of diseased mind, there is a pleasure that you can take from grammar... Grammar functions both as a set of rules and also as a kind of folklore… Something that is as fun and beautiful and interesting and intricate as grammar becomes mere hipsterism.
- Judge John Hodgman: The whole point of family names is, rightly or wrongly, to bind us—sometimes unwillingly—to our families.
- Judge John Hodgman: You do what you want; worrying about what's cool is for children.
- Jesse Thorn: Corey is writing us, as so many do, to share a couple of bits of pedantry.
- Carrie: Why did I just cry about a toaster?
- Judge John Hodgman: Easy does it, buddy! Some day, you’re going to get punched.
- Judge John Hodgman: Why would you rob yourself of that great screaming-at-idiots time?
- Judge John Hodgman: You are using your "frugality" to make a point to the world and to punish other people, whereas to be frugal means "I only have a certain amount of money I can spend, so I'm going to be careful about what I order and how I spend my money."