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Jack and Jill (2011 film)

2011 film by Dennis Dugan

Jack and Jill is a 2011 American comedy film about a family man whose ugly, annoying twin sister comes for a visit and soon becomes reluctant to leave.

His sister is coming for a visit...and it ain't pretty.

Jack Sadelstein

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  • [to Jill] Don't forget your sweat shadow.
  • [apologizing to Jill] I'm sorry that you make everyone uncomfortable. I really am.

Jill Sadelstein

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  • [to Jack] Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates.

Dialogue

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Jill: Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this.
[slaps herself]
Jack: I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder.
[slaps harder]
Jack: Little harder.
[slaps a little more harder]
Erin: No, Jill, stop it. He's kidding
Jill: What?
[Gary punches her, knocks her out of the chair]
Otto: Donkey fight!
Erin: Jill, are you okay?.
Jill: Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% percent connect.
Gary: Feel that, Daddy?
Jack: I... I actually did feel something, there. Pride in my son.
Jack: I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You gotta call him!
Jill: Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting the whole Funbucket fiasco.
Jack: No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you!
Jill: Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.
Al Pacino: Amongst this princely heap, if any here, by false intelligence... Hold me a foe if I unwittingly... or in my rage, committed aught that is hardly borne by any in this princely presence, I do reconcile myself to his friendly peace. 'Tis death to me to be at enmity, and desire all good men's love. Where were you, Popcorn?
Jack: What do you mean? It's 5:30.
Al Pacino:No, no, it's 9: 30 my time. I was waiting for you at 5:30.
Jack: Oh, it's four hours the other way. I just... I got confused. I...
Al Pacino: Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. What's going on? How's she doing'?
Jack: We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along. That's how we're doing.
Al Pacino: Coming along? What does that mean, "coming along"? What does that mean?
Crowd #1: Come on, wrap it up!
Jack: It means we're getting there. We just need a little more time.
Al Pacino: Put her on the phone. I want to hear her voice.
Jack: Ah, she's not here right now.
Jill: This reminds me of that boat movie with Leonardo.
Erin: Titanic?
Jill: No, the one with the iceberg.
Al Pacino: Who is that?
Jack: That was, uh, Poopsie.
Al Pacino: Why won't you let me talk... Hey, can you... You got to be quiet. I can't hear him! All right? Please. Please! Yeah, listen, you get me this girl, or you don't get that Dunkaccino commercial, you understand? Don't you know me? Don't you know I would use all my power, all the power I have, to keep a commercial like that from happening'? Don't you know that?
Crowd #1: Is he seriously breaking out The Godfather?
Crowd #2: I swear to God, I'm going to cry.
Al Pacino: Put her on! Put her on!
Crowd #3: Pacino!
Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Hang on for a second. I'll put her on. Hello'?
Al Pacino: Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice. What are they doing? Why are they trying to keep us apart?
Jack: Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody. I'm my own person. You remember that.
Al Pacino: Oh, I know you're your own person. Nobody's like you.
Stunt Guy: Uh... Would you like a little privacy? I could finish up for you.
Al Pacino: No, no, it's okay. It's okay. Nobody wants to see you. But thanks, anyway. Jill. can you meet me when you dock in Spain'?
Jack: But what about your Shakespeare show'? Don't you have that to do?
Al Pacino: You kidding? This is L.A. They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers.
Jack: Yeah, I don't think so.
Al Pacino: Darling, put your brother on.
Jack: Okay. Here he is. Hello. Jack's back.
Al Pacino: Popcorn, we did it! We did it! I'm coming, I'm coming to get her!
Jack: You're coming to get her? She just said, "I don't think so," I thought.
Al Pacino: I can smell horny across an ocean. Here's how it's going to go down. 9PM tomorrow top deck, portside. I'll be there. Audience, could you tell me where I was?
Crowd #4: But he, poor soul.
Al Pacino: But he, poor soul, by your first order died.

Cast

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