It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 14)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 | Main

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.

Paddy's Has a Jumper [14.8]

Charlie: He's not gonna die falling from that height.

Dennis: Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.

Charlie: Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-

Mac: Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.

Charlie: What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?

Mac: I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-

Charlie: I am also an American, okay, though?!

Mac: -based on the argument I'm trying to make!

Charlie: That is not an argument!

Mac: You are not a true American, Charlie!

Charlie: I am more American that you will ever be!

Dennis: Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.

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Dennis: We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket: Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee: You don't have business.

Charlie: Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis: "The Jump Shot".

Dee: "Lemon Drop".

Charlie: There ya go.

Mac: "Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie: Oh, very good!

Dennis: We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac: That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee: You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket: Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee: You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis: Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac: Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis: No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.