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I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (BBC Radio 4, 11 April 1972- ) is a British radio comedy programme which describes itself as "the antidote to panel games".

Originally hosted by Humphrey Lyttelton and played by Barry Cryer, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Willie Rushton, many guests have participated as panelists since the programme began. It is known for its ridiculous rounds and games, such as Mornington Crescent and Word Disassociation played completely for laughs by the panellists who, to the untrained eye, might appear at first to be playing for points. Wordplay and innuendo are a large part of the show's humour.

After Lyttelton died in 2008, the show used regular guest panellists Stephen Fry, Jack Dee and Rob Brydon as guest presenters for the 51st series, before choosing Jack Dee as the permanent chairman the following series.

All quotes are by Humphrey Lyttelton unless otherwise stated.

Recurring Games

Historical Headlines

The Ten Commandments

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: Ten Things You Never Knew You Shouldn't Do"
Barry Cryer: "Melody Maker: Stones Make Comeback"
Graeme Garden: "Express Sport: Moses Names Ten for Sunday"
Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' drops to Number 8"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Graven Image Manufacturers Protest At New Guidelines"
Willie Rushton: "The Star: Kylie Minogue is Star Bird - 'Covet Neighbours Ass'"

Joan of Arc burns at the stake

Willie Rushton: "Le Figaro: French Government Spokesman says "Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Health""
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Mail: "English Hooligans Burnt My Daughter" says Mrs. Arc"
Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew! What a Scorcher!"
Barry Cryer: "Green News: Woodburning French Threat To Ozone Layer"
Willie Rushton: "The Cricketer: England Win Ashes"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: French Filly Flambé (translation on page 8)"

The Gunpowder Plot

Barry Cryer: "Daily Mail: Government Knives Out For Fawkes"
Willie Rushton: "Financial Times: Boom Fails To Materialise"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Fuse! What A Scorcher!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guardian: Remember, Remember, The Fourth Of November"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Star: Guy Fawkes It Up"
Willie Rushton: "The Sun: Freddie Starr Ate My Banger"
Graeme Garden: "Exchange & Mart: Will Swap 8 Barrels Of Gunpowder For 1 Asbestos Suit"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: Spiritualist's Weekly: Now There'll Be Fireworks!"

The Creation

Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Universe Manufacturer Goes Out Of Business After 6 Days"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Lancet: BMA Warn Rib Transplants Can Cause Lumps On Chest"
Barry Cryer: "Daily Star: "I'm Over The Moon", Says God"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Snake Problem At Theme Park - Last Two Visitors Forced To Leave"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Nothing Happened Yesterday"
Willie Rushton: "Irish Times: Genesis Good For You"
Graeme Garden: "News of the World: Spot The Apple and Win A Skoda"

The unfortunate demise of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Barry Cryer: "Dog Breeder's Gazette: Great Dane puts self down!"
Willie Rushton: "The Times: Blair says whittling-down of royal family a success"
Graeme Garden: "The Stage: Touring players unexpectedly available for panto"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Express: Reprint of Ophelia's Panorama interview in full, where she says a surfeit of lampreys was just a cry for help"
Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline 'Laughter at Elsinore' should have read 'Slaughter at Erinsbrough'"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun tells the Prince: Just Be!"
Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Danish Bloodbath - No Britons Hurt"

Macbeth

Barry Cryer: "Gay News: Macbeth Outed - Admits laying on MacDuff"
Willie Rushton: "The Guardian: Borehamwood seen approaching Dungeness"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Phew! What a Scotsman!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Scotsman: Och! Eye of Newt!"
Willie Rushton: "Glasgow Herald: Pioneering test-tube baby kills King"
Graeme Garden: "Woman's Own: Delia's recipe for Duncan Doughnuts"
Graeme Garden: "London Evening Standard: Tube Strike Off"

The Assassination of Julius Caesar

Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Brutus Splashed it All Over"
Willie Rushton: "Daily Mirror: Julius Caesar is Ides Victim"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sunday Sport: Brutus Ate Two Hamsters!"
Graeme Garden: "Lancashire Evening Post: Mark Antony Comes to Bury"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline should have read 'Caesar Slayed' not 'Caesar Salad'"
Willie Rushton: "Daily Telegraph: New Caesar, New Danger"
Barry Cryer: "Rome Standard: Omnia Caesar in Tres Partes Divisa Est"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Star: Yon Cassius has a Lean & Hungry Look...is it Bulimia?"
Graeme Garden: "Tailor & Cutter: Sketchleys opens new branch in Rome"

The Death of Samson

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Samson Obituary, 2 Columns, Page 8"
Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: Oh, Oh, Oh, Delilah!"
Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's feature headed 'Delias Hints on Kippers' should have read 'Delilahs Hints on Clippers'"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: In yesterday's report, Delilah's statement should have read 'I love cutting men's locks off'...not 'socks'"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Telegraph: Police chief says 'He was a accident waiting to happen'"

The Great Fire of London

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Telegraph: French Farmer's Protest Reaches London"
Stephen Fry: "The Scotsman: Tee hee hee"
Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew! What A Scorcher!"
Barry Cryer: "Yorkshire Evening Post: Leeds Man Singed"
Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: London's Burning - Police Suspect Arse"
Graeme Garden: "And on page 8 of the Guardian, yesterday's headline "Paula, to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren", should have read "St Pauls, to be reconstructed by Christ knows when""
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Financial Times: Capital Goes Up"
Graeme Garden: "The People: Phew! What A Scorcher!"
Stephen Fry: "Insurance Weekly: Oh Bugger"
Barry Cryer: "The Lancet: Plague Cure A Success"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Thames Water Chief Justifies Bonus At Last"
Barry Cryer: "The Sport: Elvis Seen In Pudding Lane"
Graeme Garden: "The News of the World: Phew! What A Scorcher!"

William Caxton invents the Printing Press

Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: Newt Technolody Spills End To Mispronts"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Caxton Shows Off New Dress"
Graeme Garden: "Ye Mirror: Monks Down Quills in Protest"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Publisher's Weekly: 'Fly Fishing' by J.R. Hartley made possible by good old middle ages"
Stephen Fry: "The Sun: Up Yours Gutenberg!"
Barry Cryer: "Software Weekly: Mouse On Press Gives Caxton New Idea"

Sir Walter Raleigh presents tobacco and potatoes at the court of Elizabeth I

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Monte Carlo Times: Rothmans to Sponsor Raleigh"
Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Goodbye Mr. Chips"
Fred MacAulay: "Financial Times: Chancellor admits he may have blundered with 'Tax on Potatoes' scheme"
Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Queen says 'Great Shag Walter'"
Barry Cryer: "OK! Magazine: Queen's Potato Goes Out - Exclusive Pictures"
Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Raleigh Helps Queen to Cross Poodle"
Graeme Garden: "Sunday Sport: Alien Spud Stole My Fags"

Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Independent: Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta"
Graeme Garden: "The Express: 'I've Stopped Seeing Her', says Oedipus"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Exclusive - Oedipus to become a Referee"
Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Oedipus Lights Potato by Mistake"

Chat-up lines

Senior Citizens

Barry Cryer: Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in?
Willie Rushton: I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop!
Graeme Garden: Hello...Who am I??
Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, that's a war wound! Fancy a Horlicks?
Graeme Garden: How's your back?
Willie Rushton: Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me?
Barry Cryer: Your place or back to the sheltered accommodation?
Graeme Garden: I could take you to a hip joint!
Barry Cryer: I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out!
Graeme Garden: I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over.

Hospital

Graeme Garden: "Cough!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nurse, I'm out of bed again!"
Barry Cryer: "Have you got any glasses? - I've found a bottle."
Stephen Fry: "Did anyone tell you you've got acute angina?"
Graeme Garden: "I hear you're looking for a fine specimen."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've got the most beautiful new eyes."
Stephen Fry: "I must say I admire your guts - Will the doctor let you keep them?"
Barry Cryer: "Did the bowels move for you?"
Stephen Fry: "Oh gallstones! - I thought that was a pistachio nut, I'm sorry!"
Barry Cryer: "I can make a patient without disturbing the bed."
Stephen Fry: "Seeing you in those stirrups, I thought you were Michael Howard."
Graeme Garden: "I want you to have my babies...vaccinated."
Stephen Fry: "Is your leg up in plaster, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Motor Mechanics

Graeme Garden: "No, I wouldn't call that a big end."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Give me your chassis number, and if you're free next week, I'll book you in for a service."
Barry Cryer: "Is this a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?"
Jeremy Hardy: "I'll just roll you up onto the pavement and then we won't be in anybody's way."
Graeme Garden: "It'll cost you..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What's a nice grill like you doing in a body like this?"
Graeme Garden: "I prefer a manual."
Barry Cryer: "Let's play petrol pumps...
Graeme Garden: "...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've just put the lead back in my petrol!"
Barry Cryer: "You've been turning this back, you little clock-teaser!"
Jeremy Hardy: "You can always expect a bit of rattling in one this age."
Barry Cryer: "Do you want to put it in first?"
Jeremy Hardy: "I'll give you a jump start and that should get you going in no time."
Jeremy Hardy: "This looks like a tow job to me."
Jeremy Hardy: "I'm going to have to get underneath."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll be ready by Friday."
Jeremy Hardy: "You realise this thing is just an extension of my car..."

Ecclesiastical

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I say - now that's a habit I wouldn't mind getting into!"
Tony Hawks: "I can think of something I'd like you to alter, boy!"
Graeme Garden: "How would you like to be one of the lay sisterhood?"
Tony Hawks: "If anyone can, the canon can."
Graeme Garden: "You'll find that I move in mysterious ways."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Please kneel... and while you're kneeling..."
Graeme Garden: "I've got a jacuzzi font!"
Tony Hawks: "When you've done pulling the bells..."
Barry Cryer: "You stay here and I'll go and change - my vests are in the pantry, and my pants are in the vestry!"
Tony Hawks: "Good Friday? I'll make it even better!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Right, get your habit, you've pulled!"

World War II

Stephen Fry: "All POWs are welcome to share my tunnel."
Barry Cryer: "Hello, I'm from the disposal squad. Does my bomb look big in this?"
Graeme Garden: "Put that light out!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's alright - I said V.E."
Stephen Fry: "Those Fokkers have given me an idea..."
Graeme Garden: "I've been trained how to handle bazookas."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I think we should both take off our gasmasks first... Oh, you already have!"
Stephen Fry: "You don't know what a dishonourable discharge is? Well, let me enlighten you."
Barry Cryer: "We could lie down on that..." "A sandbag?!"
Graeme Garden: "They say we should all pull together."
Stephen Fry: "Stop, or I'll shoot!"
Graeme Garden: "I'm going in..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is that a spike on your helmet, or are you just pleased to see me?"
Graeme Garden: "It's called a siren suit, because everyone who sees it goes oooowwwwwwwwww!"

Gardener's

Phill Jupitus: "Don't worry, it'll grow!"
Graeme Garden: "Hiya, Cynth!"
Graeme Garden: "'Allo Vera!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Do you think it's better in a bed, or up against the wall?"
Barry Cryer: "Put your wellies on, you've pulled!"
Phill Jupitus: "Could you help me find the clematis?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I suppose a fork's out of the question?"
Graeme Garden: "Come and see the potting shed, it's where I prick out then harden off."

Late Arrivals

Doctors' Ball

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Ireland, Dermot Ologist, Mike Rosurgery, Eamonn Thesicklist & Sean Parts."
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Sthetic, & their daughter, Anna Sthetic, & her aunty Septic."
Barry Cryer: "From Wales, Di Agnosis, Win Deetum & Morgan Transplant."
Willie Rushton: "From Scandinavia, it doesn't really matter where, Lars Toplast."
Graeme Garden: "And his pet hippo, Craticoath."
Barry Cryer: "Oh, there's Sue Positry - she's going up in the world!"
Graeme Garden: "Here's Reggie Strar & Des Infectant."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Dr. Watson nursing Holmes. What's the trouble Holmes? - Alimentary, my dear Watson."
Willie Rushton: "Here come the Appliances, & their son, Sir Jekyll."
Graeme Garden: "And his collie, Wobbles."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Don't leave the aspirins by the bird cage - the parrots eat 'em all!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Someone's just caught a streptomouse, in that trap you catch streptomice in. Give him mouse-to-mouse immediately."
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Umenema, & their son, Barry."
Graeme Garden: "Sir Osis-of-the-Liver, Sir Gerry Hours, & Prof. E. Lactic"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Roids, and their daughter, Emma, with their friend, farmer Giles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Zeensinthewaitingroom, & their ten-year-old, Maggie"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - with Dame Kiri Opodist, some Tunisian balancers...they're a sort of Affro dizzy act, & a canary that does impressions of a doctor...a chirpy-chirpy-GP-GP"

Vicars' Ball

Willie Rushton: "The Collar family, and their son, Doug"
Graeme Garden: "The Right Honourable Charles Ismay-Shepherd, & his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - a parade of knickerless parsons. There are so many of them in a line, they'll get a queue rate. Luckily we have a rev counter!"
Barry Cryer: "Here's Spike Milligan in his Goon persona, representing smooth slip-on Y-fronts - Eccles Easy Elastical"
Willie Rushton: "Mr & Mrs Nod, and their son, Si"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Be Christian, and try not to laugh at the entrance of J-J-J-Justin Pediment"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A strange couple from the church - a beadle & an abbot - they've formed an unholy alliance to produce Beadles Abbot"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Meek, and their saintly son, blessed Arthur Meek"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Jenny Flect, Di O'Cese, and Ann Glicanchurch"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ashun-of-the-Magi, and their son, Theodore Ashun-of-the-Magi"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Rendeth-Thelesson, and their son, Andy"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Ment, & their newt, Esther Ment"

Morticians' Ball

Barry Cryer: "A party from the Wild West - all the way from Dirge City - Hearse Cartright, Gene Mortuary, with Roy Rogers and his horse Triggermortis"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: From Wales - "Di the Death, who appears to be having a coffin fit"
Graeme Garden: From Scotland - "Lord Wreath"
Barry Cryer: "Also from Wales - that cheerful soul, Happy Taff, and his brother who's prone to laxatives, Senna Taff, with their friend Ed Stone"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - Tomb Jones singing The Last Vaults"
Barry Cryer: "Harry Secombe's gossiping in the corner - Oh! Bitch you 'Arry!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Scotland - a crazy stone carver - Mon, your mental mason! - he's just had to inter Flora"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Daddy & Mummy Fied"
Graeme Garden: "The Gee sisters, Ella and Ula - they've been laid to rest a few times"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Sweden, Lars Rights and Lars Post"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Stover, and their father, Pa Stover"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Vault, and their agricultural son, farmer Lee"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From the West Country, Eliza Body"
Graeme Garden: "An old soul known as Wi'am - he's looking rough - we call him the wreck Wi'am. He trims the grass in the cemetery - he's just crept into the crypt, cropped & crept out again!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Australia, the grave-faced Digger Pitt"
Barry Cryer: "Alec Douglas-Exhume"

Builders' Ball

Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Cottatiling, and their son, Terry Cottatiling"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Scleavage, and their daughter, Jean Scleavage"
Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Wallcarpetting, and their son, Walter Wallcarpetting"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Backtofinishthejobonthursdayhonestguv, and their daughter, Isla"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate, and their son, Gordon Bennett-thatstwicetheestimate"
Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Lottleaftoberepainted, and their son, Theo Lottleafttoberepainted"
Graeme Garden: "From Ireland, Brendan Beam and James Joist, and also Con Crete and Mick Ser..."
Barry Cryer: "And their friends Mr & Mrs O'Doors, and their son, Paddy O'Doors"
Stephen Fry: "It's high society entrance now, we welcome the noble group, it's Lady Foundationsfirst, Lord Watermess, filthy Prince Everywhere, Count Thecostlater & Baron Bankaccount"
Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time, introduced by Roy Hod - The Pointer Sisters, and a special item - Wagner's Damntheguttering"
Stephen Fry: "There's the Menders family - Rhoda Menders - she digs having her ass felt!
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kingood, and their daughter, May Kingood"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Chanceofacupoftea, and their son, Henny"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Foursugarsinminelove, and their daughter, Olive Foursugarsinminelove"

Frenchmen's Ball

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alouetta, and their son, Jonty"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Fembargo, and their cousin, British Bea Fembargo"
Andy Hamilton: "From the French farming community, Madame Leadsintothecattletrough & Monsewer Leadsintothecattletrough"
Barry Cryer: "Jacques Delores and his mother, Mère Delores... what did Ma say? She's bored, oh!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs That-Holeinthegroundcantbeatoilet, and their daughter, Shirley"
Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Theotherone, and their cynical son, Paul Theotherone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr Sayezze and his llama - that's Llama Sayezze" (La Marseillaise)
Andy Hamilton: "Monsieur et Madame Isthesoundof-Aracingcar, and their son, Pierre Isthesoundof-Aracingcar"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who is that hesitating in the doorway? It's Mr & Mrs Cordial's Aunt from France... come on T'Aunt Cordial"
Barry Cryer: "Oh no! Someone has switched round the signs on the Ladies and Gents - what a two loos low trick!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Alrightforaholidaybutyouwouldntwanttolivethere, and their son, Francis"

Scottish Ball

Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Strap, and their son, Hamish - Jock was held up"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Baxter, and their incontinent dog, the Baxters' Cocker - Leakie"
Fred MacAulay: "My friend Doris, and she's usually accompanied by someone from the medical profession, normally a large... oh no, it's just a wee Doc'n'Doris"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Verness, and their unpopular son, Iain - it seems that for some reason people loathe Iain"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Johnbrownandqueenvictoriadid, and their daughter, Bet"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Demicles, and their clarinet-playing, Hamilton 'Acker' Demicles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Dothatoryourdead, and their daughter, Donna Dothatoryourdead"
Graeme Garden: Mr & Mrs Midlothian, and their son, Arthur. Hello Arthur, Mother well?
Fred MacAulay: "Mr & Mrs O'Groats, and their daughter, Tracy"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor, and their son, Gordon Bennetthowmuchlongeristhiswomenscurlinggoingonfor"
Fred MacAulay: "Delightful to see the Housemuirs, and their son, Stan... and the Sideacademys, and their son, Kelvin"

Fishermen's Ball

Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kleinensinker, and their son, Hugh Kleinensinker"
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Otts, and their daughter, Maggie, known to us all as Mag Otts"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Forcatchingshrimps, and their daughter, Annette"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Codfingers, and their young son, Chris P. Codfingers"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bigguns-Lately, and their son, Courtney Bigguns-Lately"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofthisone, and their son Luke"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Twiteshark, and their son, Gray Twiteshark"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Noah with a big boat load of carp - he's the carp ark attendant"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Mer, and their daughter, Freda"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Triceel, and their son, Alec Triceel"
Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Tine, and their exceptionally tall son, long Gus"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab, and their son, Gordon Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab"
Barry Cryer: "All the proceeds from tonight's ball are going to a refuge for battered fish"

Old Testament Ball

Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Mandments, and their son, Tinker Mandments."
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Thebeginning, and their son, Ian."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs, will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Calf, and their overweight son, Ted. That's right, the fat Ted Calf."
Stephen Fry: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Babel, and their daughter, Tara Babel."
Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Sam Lilah, and Sam's son, Andy Lilah."
- Barry Cryer: "Oh, look - who's 'ere?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Wallscametumblingdown, and their son, Andy."
Stephen Fry: "And Mr & Mrs Tine, and their daughter, Phyllis."
Barry Cryer: "Welcome, please, Ruth from The Archers, and her husband - 'Noooo-ah!'"
Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Ismaywashpot, and their son, Moab Ismaywashpot."
Barry Cryer: "Paul McCartney carrying a hive - containing his Macca bees."
Stephen Fry: "Mr & Mrs Gravenimageshaltthouworship, and their daughter, Nora Gravenimageshaltthouworship."
Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Bennetthesonlygoneandpartedtheredsea, and their son, Gordon Bennetthesonlygoneandpartedtheredsea."
Barry Cryer: "From Germany, Herr and Frau Upthyloins, and their son, Gert."
Stephen Fry: "And from Wales, Mr & Mrs Aneye, and their son, Ifor Aneye."
- Barry Cryer: "He's funny looking - one eye's higher than the other!"
Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome please, Mr & Mrs Seekersallowance, and their son, Job."

Financiers' Ball

Barry Cryer: "All the way from China, Mr & Mrs Ming-Slang, and their son Rai Ming-Slang. He's a banker..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Esticproduct, and their chubby son Dominic, better known as the Gross Dom Esticproduct"
Phill Jupitus: "The financially irresponsible family from Ireland, the O'Verdrawns"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Millionquid, whose son hasn't come with them, because Arthur Millionquid doesn't go very far these days!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Inacardboardboxnow, and their daughter Olive Inacardboardboxnow"
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor, and their three-year-old son Tommy Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Holders, and their children Sonny and Cher Holders."
Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetttheeconomysinahellofamess, and their son Gordon Brown."

Dog Lovers' Ball

Rob Brydon: "Please welcome Mr. & Mrs. Lee, and their facially hirsute son Bearded Col."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "All the way from Australia, please welcome Jeff, his father was English, his mother was from Iran... Yes, that's right, he's a Pomeranian!" (Jack: "Awww bless, he's so proud of that one, wasn't he?")
Graeme Garden: "A warm welcome, if you please, for Mr. & Mrs. Turepoodle, and their daughter Minnie Turepoodle."
Rob Brydon: "Please welcome Mr. & Mrs. Satian, and their son Al."
Barry Cryer: "All the way from Italy to the dog lovers' ball we say 'Ciao!', and welcome Signore e Signora Forgetatheplasticbagwhenyoutakeathedogforawalk, and their lovely daughter Donna Forgetatheplasticbagwhenyoutakeathedogforawalk."
Graeme Garden: "Will you all welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Russell, and their son Bertrand."
Rob Brydon: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr. & Mrs. Lapdog, and their unpopular daughter Shit Sue."
Graeme Garden: "Closely followed by Mr. & Mrs. Pavement, and their unpleasant daughter Foul Lindy Pavement."
Rob Brydon: "Time for music now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Pointer Sisters, all great looking bitches..."
Graeme Garden: "Welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Zact, and their violent son Dangerous Doug Zact."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "They've come with their friend, the Prince of Wales. Now that is a Pedigree Chum."
Graeme Garden: "Welcome please Mr. & Mrs. Bennettcantyoustopyourdoghumpingmyleg, and their son Gordon Bennettcantyoustopyourdoghumpingmyleg."

Tourists Ball

Graeme Garden: "Will you welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Swall, and their son Adrian Swall."
Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Nottoofarifyoufancyadaytrip, and their son Francis..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will you please welcome Mr & Mrs Sburycathedral, and their son Saul Sburycathedral." (Jack: "They don't get any better, so I shouldn't start...")
Tony Hawks: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Youcantreallywanttovisitswindon and their daughter Shirley Youcantreallywanttovisitswindon."
Tony Hawks: "From Wales, yes, Mr & Mrs Fodd and their rather cold son Ice Ted Fodd."
Graeme Garden: "Welcome, please, Mr & Mrs Two and their son Theo." (Barry: "Theo Two?")
Tony Hawks: "Please welcome Mr & Mrs Mansabitweirdyoudontwanttogothere, and their daughter Isla Mansabitweirdyoudontwanttogothere."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A big welcome, please, for Mr & Mrs Ratesstadium and their daughter Emma Ratesstadium... Go the Gunners!"

Clubs

Film Clubs

Ornithologists

Barry Cryer: "The Outlaw Josey Quails"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "9½ Beaks"
Willie Rushton: "The Forbidden Gannet"
Willie Rushton: "All Quiet on the Crested Grebe"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dan Quail in Cuckoo's Talking"
Graeme Garden: "Sean Canary in Licensed to Trill"
Graeme Garden: "Back to the Vulture"
Barry Cryer: "There's a Gull in my Soup"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Tern of the Screw"
Willie Rushton: "The Maltese Ptarmigan"
Graeme Garden: "Duck Tracy"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Moby Tit"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Waders of the Lost Ark"
Graeme Garden: "The Sound of Emu Sick"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cole Porter's Anything Goose"
Willie Rushton: "The Merry Widgeon"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Pied Wagtails of the Unexpected"
Barry Cryer: "Steve McQueen in Poulet"
Graeme Garden: "Hudson Hawk - that was a real turkey!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh What a Lovely Warbler!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Last of the Red Hot Plovers"
Graeme Garden: "Nightjar on Elm Street"
Graeme Garden: "My Left Coot"
Graeme Garden: "Anything starring Joan Collins - apparently she's seen a cockatoo!"

Motor Mechanics

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Hatchback Of Notre Dame"
Barry Cryer: "Die Lada"
Willie Rushton: "Paint Your Volkswagen"
Graeme Garden: "Robin Reliant: Prince Of Thieves"
Barry Cryer: "Alfa Romeo & Juliet, Comedy Of Sierras, and Much Ado About Vauxhall starring Richard Gear"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fiddler On The Roof Rack"
Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Rover"
Graeme Garden: "One Of Our Airbags Is Nissan"
Willie Rushton: "The Touch Of Hillman Minx"
Graeme Garden: "Dipstick On Your Collar"
Graeme Garden: "Virginia Mechanic in Lead Free, with Subaru the Elephant Boy"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Head Gasket of Alfredo Garcia!"
Barry Cryer: "Cortina Turner in What's Shove Got To Do With It?"
Graeme Garden: "Alvis Presley in Love Me Fender"

Vicars'

Barry Cryer: "The High and The Mitre"
Willie Rushton: "All Quiet On The Western Font"
Graeme Garden: "A Fistful of Dog-Collars"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Seven Deadly Synods with Charlie Chaplain, James Dean, Richard Prior, Russ Abbot as Captain Kirk, and not forgetting Nicholas Parsons... on second thoughts, you can forget Nicholas Parsons"
Barry Cryer: "What's Up Flock?"
Barry Cryer: "Silence of the Banns with Hannibal Rector"
Graeme Garden: "Bill & Ted's Excellent Advent"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "An Officer and A Gentle Nun"
Barry Cryer: "Cloister Encounters"
Graeme Garden: "Pope Eye"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "April in Parish"
Graeme Garden: "Cleric the Viking"
Willie Rushton: "Bend Over the Cathedral Choir"
Graeme Garden: "The Abbess starring Liz Taylor with Hymn number 83"
Barry Cryer: "The Padre's Over"
Graeme Garden: "The First In The Pew starring Winston Church-Hall"
Willie Rushton: "Tom Courtney in The Blesser"
Graeme Garden: "Psalm Song and Delilah"

Bankers'

Barry Cryer: "The splendour of the Bank of England - The Madness of Eddie George"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "North by NatWest, starring The Loan Arranger & Tonto"
Graeme Garden: "The famous historical romp, Dow Jones, starring Albert FT"
Willie Rushton: "The Snows of Kilimangirobank"
Graeme Garden: "Bring me the Statement of Alfredo Garcia"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tessa the d'Urbervilles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Nick Leeson's tragic story - Back to the Futures"
Willie Rushton: "The Grapes of Rothschild"
Graeme Garden: "A new horror film - Croak - in which a bank is invaded by hundreds of frogs going 'Credit, Credit'"
Graeme Garden: "Withdrawal & I"
Graeme Garden: "Nightsafe on Elm Street"
Barry Cryer: "Debit Winger & Bette Midland in A Start is Overdrawn"
Graeme Garden: "Sharon Stone in Basic Interest Rate"
Willie Rushton: "They Died With Their Coutts On"

Biscuit Makers'

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Hobnobs & Breadsticks"
Barry Cryer: "McVitie Vitie Bang Bang"
Willie Rushton: "The Singing Digestive"
Graeme Garden: "The First Wives Club"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bath Oliver Twist & the Artful Jammy Dodger"
Barry Cryer: "La Dolce Ryvita"
Willie Rushton: "Glen Garibaldi, Glen Ross"
Graeme Garden: "Ghandibaldi directed by Biccy Attenborough"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cream Cracker, East of Java"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Crispbread of Alfredo Garcia"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mutant Ginger-Nut Turtles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Penguin Has Landed"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A Ryvita Runs Through It"
Graeme Garden: "Flash Bourbon"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Crumbs of Navarone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lord of the Squashed Flies starring Jack Lemon Puff"
Barry Cryer: "Paint Your Wagon Wheel"
Graeme Garden: "J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobnob"

Cheese Makers'

Graeme Garden: "Cambazola, East of Java"
Barry Cryer: "The Edambusters"
Stephen Fry: "The Rock Fort"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Guns of Mascarpone"
Barry Cryer: "Fromage to Eternity"
Graeme Garden: "King Kong v Gorgonzola"
Stephen Fry: "Three Men and A Babybel"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Cheddar Of Alfredo Garcia"
Stephen Fry: "Cheeses of Nazareth"
Barry Cryer: "Cheddar Gabler"
Graeme Garden: "The Hunt For Red Leicester"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Cheese Straw Dogs"

Bee Keepers'

Graeme Garden: "Lady Windermere's Bee"
Barry Cryer: "Stinging In The Rain with Gene Jelly"
Jeremy Hardy: "Planet Of The Apiaries"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Honey, I Stung The Kids"
Barry Cryer: "Silence Of The Bees with Hannibal Nectar"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cruel Bee"
Graeme Garden: "The Sting"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 2"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Bee"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Her Bee Rides Again"
Jeremy Hardy: "Pollen Academy 3"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Temporarily Blinded Bee - Beedazzled"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Hive Of Alfredo Garcia"
Graeme Garden: "The Bee Who Shot Liberty Valence"
Graeme Garden: "The Bee In The Iron Mask"
Graeme Garden: "Twelve Angry Bees"
Graeme Garden: "Bee Hur by Cecil Wasp DeMille"
Graeme Garden: "Citizen Bee"

Motor Mechanics'

Jeremy Hardy: "The Passion Of The Chrysler"
Barry Cryer: "Forrest Sump"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Grease"
Jo Brand: "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Combustion"
Jeremy Hardy: "Brake Pads At Tiffany's"
Jo Brand: "The Lexus Chainsaw Massacre"
Barry Cryer: "Clutch Cassidy And The Sundance Skid"
Jeremy Hardy: "In Graeme's honour, Bring Me The Head Gasket Of Alfredo Garcia"
Jo Brand: "My Fair Lada"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Four-by-Four Weddings And A Funeral"
Jo Brand: "Pride and Furry Dice"
Jeremy Hardy: "Daewoo Of The Jackal"
Jo Brand: "Mrs. Backfire"
Jeremy Hardy: "A Daewoo At The Races"
Jeremy Hardy: "The Daewoo The Earth Stood Still"
Jeremy Hardy: "A Daewoo In The Death Of Joe Egg" (Barry: Oh, shut up!)
Jeremy Hardy: "The Daewoo After Tomorrow" (Barry: Where's your gong, Jack, for God's sake!?)
Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Goes For His Annual Service"
Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Fails His M.O.T."
Jeremy Hardy: "Herbie Needs Extensive Welding Because Of Rust On The Underside"

Beer Lovers'

David Mitchell: "A Staropramen Is Born"
Graeme Garden: "Grolsch Encounters Of The Third Kind"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Piddler On The Roof..."
Barry Cryer: "...starring Tipple"
Graeme Garden: "Invasion of the Boddington Snatchers"
Barry Cryer: "Born On The Froth Of July"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Flagon"
Graeme Garden: "Stop The World, I Want To Throw Up"
Barry Cryer: "Schindler's Pissed"
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me The Creamy Head Of Alfredo Garcia"

Churchgoers'

Graeme Garden: "The Vicar Man"
Barry Cryer: "Winnie the Pew"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Know What You Did Last Supper"
David Mitchell: "Dude, Where's My Cardinal?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Nuns of Navarone"
Graeme Garden: "Chaplain"
Barry Cryer: "Confessions of a Stained Glass Window Cleaner"
David Mitchell: "Altar President's Men"
Graeme Garden: "Predator vs. Episcopalian"
Barry Cryer: "Waiting for God, Oh..."
David Mitchell: "Anointment with Death"
Graeme Garden: "Gunfight at the Bach Chorale"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "One Jehovah the Cuckoo's Nest"
Graeme Garden: "Break Me the Bread of Alfredo Garcia"

Dentists'

Barry Cryer: "The Filling of Sister George"
Miles Jupp: "Schindler's Listerine"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fatal Extraction"
Graeme Garden: "Decay of the Jackal"
Miles Jupp: "The Dark Knight Rinses"
Graeme Garden: "Enamuelle"
Barry Cryer: "Butch Cavity and the Sundance Kid"
Miles Jupp: "Being John Malkovich's Oral Hygenist"
Barry Cryer: "Jaws"
Miles Jupp: "Men in Plaque"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Flossed in Translation"
Graeme Garden: "Top Set starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Vitis"
Miles Jupp: "The Gums of Navarrone"
Barry Cryer: "A Bridge Too Far"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Root 66"
Miles Jupp: "Trading Braces"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "An Inconvenient Tooth"
Barry Cryer: "Dial 'M' For Molar"
Miles Jupp: "The Thomas Crown Repair"

Yorkshire

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dirty Harrogate"
Barry Cryer: "Some Like It Otley"
Caroline Quentin: "T'Good, T'Bad and Th'Ugly"
Tony Hawks: "Truly Madly Keighley"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Jurassic Parkin"
Caroline Quentin: "Forrest Eeh-By-Gump"
Barry Cryer: "The Full Brontë"
Caroline Quentin: "The Fred Trueman Show"
Barry Cryer: "Sheepless in Settle"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tha' Don't Know Tha' Born... Identity"
Caroline Quentin: "One Flew Over T'Pigeon Loft"
Tony Hawks: "Ey-Up, Pompeii"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Castleford Tigers, Hidden Dragon"
Caroline Quentin: "About a Boycott"
Barry Cryer: "From Hull to Eternity"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Summat Abaht Mary"
Tony Hawks: "Eee, Tea!"

Disco Lovers'

Barry Cryer: "Peter Pan's People"
John Finnemore: "Dial 'Boney M' for Murder"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "How Deep is Your Love in the Time of Cholera"
Tony Hawks: "Chariots of Earth, Wind and Fire"
Barry Cryer: "Village People of the Damned"
Tony Hawks: "Some Like It Hot, Hot, Hot"
John Finnemore: "I Know What You Did, Donna Summer"
Tony Hawks: "Jiving Miss Daisy"
John Finnemore: "Inglorious Gaynor"
Tony Hawks: "It's Raining A Few Good Men"
Barry Cryer: "The Count of Monte Disco"
Tony Hawks: "Star Trek and the Wrath of Chaka Khan"

Book Clubs

Doctors'

Willie Rushton: "Enema of the People"
Barry Cryer: "The Forcep Saga by John Gall-Bladder"
Graeme Garden: "Lady Chatterley's Liver"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Paddy Doyle Ha Ha Ha, you can put your trousers back on now"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Colon the Barbarian"
Willie Rushton: "Catheta Come Home"
Graeme Garden: "Cistitus Andronicus"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Rectum's Wife"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Popeye the Say Ah Man"
Willie Rushton: "Diarrhoea of a Nobody"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Emily Bronte's - Worrying Bites"
Graeme Garden: "Jane Austen's - Emma Roid"
Graeme Garden: "The Honorary Tonsil"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Up Stethoscope"
Barry Cryer: "The Greatest Supository Ever Sold"
Willie Rushton: "Bleak Arse"
Graeme Garden: "Hernia Shrunk The Kidneys"
Barry Cryer: "Cold Compress Farm"

Fishermen's

Tony Hawks: "Far From the Madding Trout"
Graeme Garden: "The Lord of the Flies by J.R.Hartley"
Barry Cryer: "Catch 22"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sequel to The Barchester Chronicles - The Crochester Barnacles by Anthony Scollop"
Tony Hawks: "The Sardinic Verses by Salmon Rushdie"
Barry Cryer: "Moll Flounders"
Graeme Garden: "Captain Correlli's Manta Ray"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "10 Rillington Plaice"
Tony Hawks: "Sprat is a Feminist Issue"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lady Chatterley's Lobster"
Graeme Garden: "And if you don't fancy a book, there's always top-shelf prawn!"
Barry Cryer: "Three Men and A Bloater"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Great Exaggerations"
Barry Cryer: "The Kipper and The Roes"
Graeme Garden: "The Little Book of Clam"

Smokers'

Barry Cryer: "A Tale of Two Ciggies"
Jeremy Hardy: "Nicotine Nickelby"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oliver Twist, Please"
Graeme Garden: "Bridget Jones' Pipe"
Jack Dee: "Harry Pot"
Sandi Toksvig: Joseph Heller's great anti-smoking book - "Patch 22"
Tony Hawks: "Round Ireland With A Fag"
Barry Cryer: "Great Expectorations"
Jeremy Hardy: "Asterix the Gauloise"
Andy Hamilton: "Angela's Ashtrays"
Jack Dee: "The Habit" by Tokin'
Rob Brydon: "Much Ado About Puffing"
Tony Hawks: "Filter Tipping the Velvet"
Graeme Garden: "The Pickwick Rizlas"
Andy Hamilton: The Welsh classic "How Green Was My Mucus?"
Jeremy Hardy: "Sense And Saint Semilia"
Andy Hamilton: "The Curious Incident Of The Dog End In The Night"
Sandi Toksvig: "Capstan Correlli's Mandolin"
Jack Dee: "We Need To Talk About Coughing"
Graeme Garden: "Around The World On 80-a-Day"
Rob Brydon: "Hamlet"

Presidential

(All books that might be found on the bookcase of Donald Trump)

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Gropes of Wrath"
Barry Cryer: "From Russia With Love"
Jan Ravens: "The God of Small Hands"
Graeme Garden: "Donald Coppafeel"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them"
Barry Cryer: "Gropey Dick"
Jan Ravens: "Mein Trumpf"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Book of Moron"
Jan Ravens: "The Owl and the Pussygrabber"
Graeme Garden: "The Son-in-Law Also Rises"
Jan Ravens: "A Cockwork Orange"
Graeme Garden: "20,000 Leaks Under the CIA"
Jan Ravens: "How To Become President for Dummies"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Low Expectations"
Graeme Garden: "Where's Wally?"

Spiced Up

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "David Coppafeel"
Barry Cryer: "Nineteen-Eighty-Phwoar!"
Kerry Godliman: "The Tiger That Came During Tea"
Graeme Garden: "The Secret Habit of Adrian Mole"
Kerry Godliman: "The Curious Incident of Dogging in the Night Time"
Graeme Garden: "The Old Ann Summers Curiosity Shop"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Three Men in a Goat"
Barry Cryer: "Throbbingson Crusoe"
Graeme Garden: "Wind in the Willies"
Kerry Godliman: "The MILF on the Floss"
Graeme Garden: "The Lion, The Witch and the Webcam"

Song Books

Undertakers'

Barry Cryer: "Champion, The Wonder Hearse"
Barry Cryer: "A-Wop-Bop-A-Loo-Bop, A-Wop-Embalm"
Willie Rushton: "Some embalming evening, You may stuff a stranger"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're The Cream In My Coffin"
Graeme Garden: "I'm Getting Buried In The Morning"
Willie Rushton: "Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny, Yellow Polka Dot Winding Sheet"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Top Hat & Nails"
Graeme Garden: "I Dig It My Way"
Willie Rushton: "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Cemetery"
Barry Cryer: "I Can't Get No Putrefaction by The Rolling Headstones"
Willie Rushton: "Please Deep-Freeze Me"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You're Just My Jack-in-a-Box"
Barry Cryer: "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?"

Doctors'

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Knees Up, Mother Brown"
Barry Cryer: "Unchained Melody by Urethra Franklin"
Willie Rushton: "I'm Too Sexy For My Truss"
Willie Rushton: "Lipstick On Your Colon"
Willie Rushton: "Singing In The Brain"
Graeme Garden: "Hit the Prozac, and don't you come back no more."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coldfinger"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dr., No!"
Barry Cryer: "They Can't Take That Away From Me"
Willie Rushton: "Urine The Money"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yes Sir, That's My Baby"
Graeme Garden: "Hernia Rose I Bring You"
Barry Cryer: "I Want Some Diagnosis For A Blue Lady"
Willie Rushton: "Testes Song At Twilight"

Dog Fanciers'

Barry Cryer: "If I Was a Bitch Man, Poodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oo from Fiddler on the Woof"
Willie Rushton: "Pekinese-up Mother Brown"
Graeme Garden: "Daydream Retriever by The Mongrels"
Barry Cryer: "Dog-fanciers' favourite groups include: The Pointer Sisters, Vet Vet Vet and There's A Good Boy-zone"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Making Whoopsie"
Willie Rushton: "Good Collie, Miss Molly"
Barry Cryer: "The Beagles Anthology including: Hey Chewed, Oh Mr Postman, Labrador Rigby, A Little Whelp From My Friends by Joe Cocker"
Barry Cryer: "Tom Bones singing My, My, My, Rottweiler"
Graeme Garden: "The Miniature-Schnauzer the Joint"
Graeme Garden: "Pit Bulls, People Who Need Pit Bulls"
Barry Cryer: "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down & Breed Myself a Setter"

Butchers'

Barry Cryer: "I Got Plenty of Mutton, from Porky and Bess."
Willie Rushton: "Someday My Mince Will Come"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When I-rissoles Are Smiling"
Graeme Garden: "New Pork New Pork, so good they ate it twice."
Barry Cryer: "Chop Chop, the Wonder Horse"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's a Hong Kong song, How Much Is That Doggy in the Window?"
Barry Cryer: "Joseph and his Amazingly... Technicolor... Entrecote, I wish I was dead..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "(I Can't Get No) Putrifaction"
Barry Cryer: "Wasn't Meat Loaf the Artist Formerly Known as Mince?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Anyone Who Had a Heart."
Willie Rushton: "It seems to me I've heard this song beef-"
Barry Cryer: "Chitterling Chitterling Banger Banger"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There Will Never Be Another Ewe"
Willie Rushton: "Back in the Saddle of Lamb."
Barry Cryer: "Anything from Grease."
Graeme Garden: "The Best of ABBA-toir."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's a German Second World War butchers' song - Veal Meet Again."
Graeme Garden: "The Dance of the Seven Veals from the opera Salami."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A rather worrying Fats Waller number, The Joint is Jumping..."
Willie Rushton: "Fillets."
Graeme Garden: "Sirloin, It's Been Good to Gnaw You"
Barry Cryer: "From Rasher With Love"

Pensioners'

Graeme Garden: "You Say Tomato, I Say...Eh??"
Barry Cryer: "Another One Bites the Crust"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're All Going On A Saga Holiday"
Jeremy Hardy: "Stairlift to Heaven"
Graeme Garden: "Hit Me With Your Walking Stick"
Jeremy Hardy: "Hippy Hippy Replacement"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Wide Eyed & Legless with Hot Chocolate"
Barry Cryer: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist & Gout"
Barry Cryer: "I Heard It Through The Deaf Aid"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm Putting In My Top Set..."
Barry Cryer: "Pappa's Got a Brand New Bag"
Jeremy Hardy: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling by The Arthrighteous Brothers"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A, You're Adorable...Eh??"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Baby, Will You Light The Fire"
Jeremy Hardy: "Staying Alive"

Parliamentary

Rob Brydon: "Mandy"
Barry Cryer: "There's A Hole In My Blunkett"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Throughly Modern Milliband"
Graeme Garden: "My Funny Heseltine"
Barry Cryer: "You put your Nick Clegg in, your Nick Clegg out..."
Graeme Garden: "I want to BNP, but I can't BNP until you BNP too."
Rob Brydon: "On The Street Where You Claim To Live"
Graeme Garden: "Treasury! When you lose control and you've got no soul, it's Treasury!"
Barry Cryer: "Super-Telly-Fake-Statistic-Expenses-Sod-The-Voters"
Graeme Garden: "I Just Don't Know What To Do With My Wealth"
Barry Cryer: "You say UKIP, I say bollocks."

Fishermen's

Jo Brand: "This Is Dead And Gutted To The One I Love"
Barry Cryer: "Long Trawl Sally"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist & Trout"
Jeremy Hardy: "Skate, Ruffe and Rollmop"
Barry Cryer: "Get Me To The Perch On Time"
Jo Brand: "Flash! Bang! Wallop! What A Pilchard!"
Jeremy Hardy: "And from the Sex Pilchards' album Never Mind The Pollock, Anchovy In The UK and Cod Save The Queenscalp"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whale Kipper Whelk Home In The Eel Side"
Jeremy Hardy: "Hey Hey We're The Monkfish"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bream The Impossible Bream"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Happy Dace Are Here Again"
Jo Brand: "Prawn Free"
Barry Cryer: "Roll Over Bait"
Jeremy Hardy: "Baby you can Drive My Carp... Sorry, I lost the will to live for a minute!"
Barry Cryer: "We're all going on a Summer Halibut"
Jeremy Hardy: "Remember You're A Winkle"

Hospital

David Mitchell: "Another One Bites The Dust"
Barry Cryer: "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "They Left My Heart In San Francisco!"
Graeme Garden: "Hold it, Flash! Bang! Wallop! What A Fracture!"
Barry Cryer: "I Wanna Hold Your Gland"
David Mitchell: "Careless Sister"
Graeme Garden: "See What The Boils On The Backside Will Have"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coldfinger"
Barry Cryer: "They Can't Take That Away From Me"
David Mitchell: "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Doctor, No!"
Barry Cryer: "Great Bowels Of Fire"
Graeme Garden: "I Got Flu Babe"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Knees Up Mother Brown"
Barry Cryer: "Hey you, Get Off My Commode"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Brown Girl In The Ring, show me a motion..."
David Mitchell: "Crazy Little Thing Called Morphine"
Graeme Garden: "(sings The Birdie Song, ending to sound like an electrocardiogram flat-line.)"

XXX Factor

Ross Noble: "Can't Take Your Thighs Off Of You"
Barry Cryer: "Humping Jack Flash"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Like A Virgin, Anyone?"
Graeme Garden: "The Teddy's Bare Picnic"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Papa's Got A Brand New Shag"
Graeme Garden: "The Oral Dance"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Little Brown Jugs"
Barry Cryer: "Mr. Bo-Dangles"
Ross Noble: "Tools Out for the summer"
Graeme Garden: "Touch Me Up Before You Go-Go"
Ross Noble: "It's My Panties and I'll cry if I want to"
Barry Cryer: "How Much Is That Dogging In The Window"
Ross Noble: "Can we have The Spunky Gibbon?" (Tim: In your dreams!)

Indian Restaurant

Rob Brydon: "It's not a specific song, it's just anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pilau Rice."
Barry Cryer: "A Curry With A Fringe On Top."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's My Chapati and I'll cry if I want to..."
Graeme Garden: "My Poppadom Told Me."
Rob Brydon: "Korma, korma, korma, Korma Chameleon..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ring Of Fire."
Graeme Garden: "The Wonderful Thing About Tikkas..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ain't She Sweet and Sour? ...I've gone all Chinese!" (Barry: "Moved down the road suddenly!")
Graeme Garden: "Rice Said Fred."
Rob Brydon: "One by The Beatles, Lamb Pasanda Love Her... And I Love Her was the song, what I did was put lamb pasanda in front."
Rob Brydon: "Return To Sender... That's just a song."

Church of England

David Mitchell: "Hit Me Bishop One More Time."
Barry Cryer: "I'm Forever Blowing Bibles."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Psalm Enchanted Evening."
Graeme Garden: "Bishop-a-Luma, A Bop Bam Boo."
David Mitchell: "Smells Like The Holy Spirit"
Barry Cryer: "Karma Communion."
David Mitchell: "Everything's Coming Up Moses."
Barry Cryer: "And the Chas 'n' Dave hit, Verger."
David Mitchell: "Bar-bar-bar, Bar-bar-Barabbas."
Graeme Garden: "Pulpit On A String."
Barry Cryer: "Super-Holy-Callous-Faction-Expels-All-The-Floaters."
David Mitchell: "Careless Wimple."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Leap Up And Down, Wave Your Vicars In The Air."
Graeme Garden: "A Boy Named Sue Has A Complaint About The Christening."
David Mitchell: "I Did It Thy Way."
Graeme Garden: "I Left My Heart With Some Franciscans."

Bread Lovers'

Barry Cryer: "Another One Bites The Crust."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crumpet Voluntary."
Graeme Garden: "Hold it, Flash Bang Wallop, what a pitta."
David Mitchell: "Focaccia Falling Star."
Barry Cryer: "Where Has All The Flour Gone?"
David Mitchell: "Shake Shake Shake, Shake Your Butty."
Graeme Garden: "When A Man Loves A Warburton."
Barry Cryer: "It's My Chapati and I'll fry if I want to."
David Mitchell: "Ain't No Sunblest When He's Gone."
Barry Cryer: "Stand By Your Naan."
David Mitchell: "Donut Leave Me This Way."
Graeme Garden: "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep."
David Mitchell: "Bake Me Up Before You Sourdough."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Achy Bakey Tart."
Graeme Garden: "Never Mind The Bannocks, It's The Sex Pretzels."
Barry Cryer: "There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Hovis."

Breakfast

Graeme Garden: "Thank You For The Muesli."
Barry Cryer: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Flakes."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fried Bread Of Heaven." (Jack: "They liked you at the beginning, didn't they?")
Omid Djalili: "Stand By All-Bran."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Still in the Welsh, We'll Kipper Welcome In The Hillside."
Barry Cryer: "Fry Me A Liver."
Omid Djalili: "Muffin Compares 2U."
Barry Cryer: "Stuck On The Griddle With You."
Graeme Garden: "Hey-Hey, We're Having A Pot Of Tea."
Omid Djalili: "I Sniffed A Grill and I licked it."
Barry Cryer: "Regrets, I've had a brew, but then again Typhoo to mention."
Graeme Garden: "It's My Pot Of Tea and I'll cry if I want to."
Omid Djalili: "Big Grills Don't Fry."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Crumpet Voluntary."
Graeme Garden: "A Ricicle Made For Two."
Omid Djalili: "Kedgeree And Ivory... I had to sing it! Are we allowed to sing these?" (Jack: "Absolutely, yes...")
Omid Djalili: "Granola Gay."
Omid Djalili: "Smoothie Operator."
Omid Djalili: "Hit The Toast, Rack."

Legal

Graeme Garden: "Here Comes the Bribe."
John Finnemore: "Stop in the Name of Section 16 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994."
Tony Hawks: "QC in the Sky with Diamonds."
Susan Calman: "It Started With a Writ."
Tony Hawks: "Last Night a DJ Sued My Wife."
Susan Calman: "Summ-on Eileen."
Graeme Garden: "Call Your Mother. Call your mother!"
Tony Hawks: "You Can Leave Your Wig On."
John Finnemore: "M'lud, M'lud, Glorious M'lud."
Tony Hawks: "She's got Affidavit's Eyes."
Susan Calman: "If you like it, you should have put an electronic tag on it."

Motorist's

Jeremy Hardy: "Audi You Do What You Do To Me?"
Barry Cryer: "Luck Be a Lada Tonight."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dipstick On Your Collar."
Rory Bremner: "Highway To Hull."
Barry Cryer: "Fiddler on the Roof Rack."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Can't love you 'cos Your Fiat's Too Big."
Barry Cryer: "My Old Man's a Datsun."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Don't Like Mondeos."
Barry Cryer: "Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weeny-Yellow-Polka-Dot-Lamborghini."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A, You're a Dormobile."
Rory Bremner: "Daewoo come and me wanna go home."
Barry Cryer: "Citroen on the Dock of the Bay."
Jeremy Hardy: "Up on the Roof, that's where you left the bloody shopping!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Lorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word."
Rory Bremner: "If you liked it, you should've put a wheelclamp on it."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's fun to stay at the D.V.L.A."
Jeremy Hardy: "Hyundai Will Always Love You."

Scots

Fred MacAulay: "Living Next Door To Alec."
Tony Hawks: "Can You Feel The Forth?"
Susan Calman: "Like A Sturgeon."
Barry Cryer: "Fly Me To Dunoon."
Fred MacAulay: "Hold me closer, Ya Wee Dancer."
Tony Hawks: "I Just Called To Say Isle Of Ewe."
Susan Calman: "You've Lost That Govan Feeling."
Fred MacAulay: "I've got another Elton John one, Pure Rocket, Man."
Tony Hawks: "For the one who might listen to The Stranglers, Gordon Brown."
Susan Calman: "We all live near a Trident Submarine."
Barry Cryer: "If I Had A Hammer, I'd toss it in the morning."
Susan Calman: "Sunday Bloody Herald."
Fred MacAulay: "Jambalaye-aye-aye-aye."
Susan Calman: "Shiny Happy Peebles."
Barry Cryer: "Cabers, everybody needs good cabers."
Tony Hawks: "Pishing On A Star."
Susan Calman: "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't From Paisley?"
Fred MacAulay: "I'm a Bobby Girl."
Tony Hawks: "Walk Like A Glaswegian."
Fred MacAulay: "Hit Me Baby One More Time And I'll Break Your F***ing Jaw."

Essex

Sandi Toksvig: "Don't Let the Sunbed Go Down On Me."
Miles Jupp: "I'm Still Stansted."
Richard Osman: "By the Rivers of Basildon."
Barry Cryer: "And now, Southend is near..."
Richard Osman: "Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man."
Sandi Toksvig: "Don't Look Back in Ongar."
Richard Osman: "I Want to Braintree."
Sandi Toksvig: "Nothing Like a Virgin."
Richard Osman: "Vajazzle Be the Day."
Barry Cryer: "How Much is that Dogging in the Window?"
Miles Jupp: "Is This the Way to Thurrock Services?"
Richard Osman: "It's Rainham Men, hallelujah! It's Rainham Men!"
Barry Cryer: "Amazing Grays."
Miles Jupp: "Leigh-on-Sea, when you're not strong..."

I.T.

Jan Ravens: "Don't Go Breaking My Scart."
Barry Cryer: "Shaddap Your Interface."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Porn in the USB."
Jeremy Hardy: "Uber-Cabbing-Fragile-Existence-Exploiting-All-The-Drivers."
Jan Ravens: "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother Multi-Functioning Jet Printer With Bypass Tray."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Eight Days a Geek."
Jeremy Hardy: "Love Me Tinder."
Barry Cryer: "Please Retweet Me, let me go."
Jan Ravens: "Kindle in the Wind."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I Am the Virus, coo-coo-ca-choo."
Jeremy Hardy: "When I'm Cleaning Windows."
Barry Cryer: "Turn It On and Off and On Again."
Jeremy Hardy: "HDMI Will Always Love USB."
Jan Ravens: "iTouch Myself."

Seafood

John Finnemore: "Hey Hey We're the Monkfish."
Barry Cryer: "Bohemian Anchovy."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whelk Kipper Welcome in the Eel Side."
Miles Jupp: "Like a Sturgeon."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crash Bang Scallop, what a pilchard."
Miles Jupp: "I Should Be So Guppy."
John Finnemore: "Wake Up Little Sushi."
Miles Jupp: "Tell me why I Don't Like Barramundis."
John Finnemore: "Saturday Night's Alright for Whiting."
Miles Jupp: "I'm a Shoal Man."
John Finnemore: "I See You Baby, shaking that bass."
Miles Jupp: "If you liked it, you should have put herring on it."

Sick Persons'

Graeme Garden: "Pop Go the Measles."
Barry Cryer: "Supercalifragilisticexpy-Halitosis."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Twist and Gout."
Kerry Godliman: "Itchycrotch Park."
Barry Cryer: "Talkin 'bout My Constipation."
Graeme Garden: "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap."
Kerry Godliman: "Girls on Phlegm."
Barry Cryer: "I've Got Spew Under My Chin."
Graeme Garden: "STD, all my troubles seem so far away..."
Kerry Godliman: "My Mild Shakes bring all the boys to the yard."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend had spots like me."
Kerry Godliman: "The Girl from Emphysema."
Graeme Garden: "Cystitis Doin' It for Themselves"
Barry Cryer: "I Just Called To Say I Have Herpes."
Kerry Godliman: "Rubella, Don't Take Your Love to Town."
Graeme Garden: "How Deep is Your Glove?"
Kerry Godliman: "There's a Kind of Thrush all over the world..."

Radio Times

Posh Persons'

Tony Hawks: "Ready, Steady, Where's Cook?"
Barry Cryer: "The Only Way is Sussex."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're Sorry But One Absolutely Hasn't a Clue."
Jeremy Hardy: "Last of the Châteauneuf-du-Pape."
Tony Hawks: "Upstairs."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My Big Fat Gypsy Trespasser."
Tony Hawks: "Instead of Casualty, Formal Tea."
Barry Cryer: "Who Else Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
Jeremy Hardy: "My Name is Earl."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Second Homes Under the Hammer."
Tony Hawks: "Fox News."
Barry Cryer: "Head Gardeners' Question Time."
Tony Hawks: "Never Mind the Peacocks."
Barry Cryer: "Birds of a Feather... Bang!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Meet the Osbornes."
Tony Hawks: "Only Fools on Horses."
Barry Cryer: "Toff Gear."
Tony Hawks: "Au-pair Winfrey."
Barry Cryer: "The Glyndebourne Supremacy."

Welsh

Graeme Garden: "Merthyr, She Wrote."
Barry Cryer: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clwyd."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dancing on Eisteddfod."
Rob Brydon: "News at Tenby."
Graeme Garden: "Mock the Leek."
Barry Cryer: "Strictly Cwm Dancing."
Graeme Garden: "C.S.I. Myfanwy."
Rob Brydon: "Mirhondda."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Racing from Chepstow."
Graeme Garden: "Abergavenny Questions."
Barry Cryer: "Brecon's Got Talent."
Rob Brydon: "Dai, Claudius."
Graeme Garden: "Ebbw Vale Farm."
Barry Cryer: "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoing Live."
Graeme Garden: "A Question of Splott."
Barry Cryer: "Barry Island Discs."
Graeme Garden: "Doctor Huw Vs. The Harlechs."

Nativity

Graeme Garden: "Maternity Makeover with Trinny and Hosanna."
Barry Cryer: "Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Manger Mouse."
Stephen Fry: "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Room."
Graeme Garden: "I'm a Divinity, Get Me Out of Here!"
Barry Cryer: "Midsomer Myrrh."
Graeme Garden: "Dial M for Myrrh."
Graeme Garden: "Caspar the Friendly King."
Graeme Garden: "Who Do You Think Thou Art?"
Barry Cryer: "There's Something About Mary."
Graeme Garden: "Wish You Were Herod."

Historical

Tony Hawks: "Who Wants To Be a Legionnaire?"
Barry Cryer: "Dad's Armada."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Orange is the New Black Death."
Andy Hamilton: "C.S.I. Troy."
Barry Cryer: "Who Dost Thou Think Thou Art?"
Tony Hawks: "Are You Being Severed?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Genghis Khan Cook, Won't Cook."
Tony Hawks: "Victorian Derbyshire."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Georgian Mildred."
Barry Cryer: "The Only Way is Wessex."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's some great Roman shows too, Pliny and Perky... and Scipio the Bush Kangaroo."
Andy Hamilton: "And, erm... Three Men in a Boadicea."
Barry Cryer: "Z-Carts."
Andy Hamilton: "Loose Women, burn them!"
Barry Cryer: "Top of the Popes."
Tony Hawks: "Gogglepox."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Æthelred the Unready Steady Go!"
Tony Hawks: "Wheel or No Wheel."
Andy Hamilton: "There was that special, with that great Liverpudlian songbird, Sirra." (confused audience reaction) "...Oh don't explain it to each other, we'll be here all night!"

Limericks

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a hymn..."

Barry Cryer: "I was jostled by old Francis Pym..."

Willie Rushton: "He tripped over a hassock..."

Graeme Garden: "Looked right up my cassock..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And exclaimed: "Goodness me! Hello Tim!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a psalm..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Michael Heseltine turned on the charm..."

Barry Cryer: "He shook his wild locks..."

Willie Rushton: "Removed both his socks..."

Graeme Garden: "Which set off the fire alarm."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing an anthem..."

Graeme Garden: "The archbishop lisped: "My, you're 'anthome'..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "At which Norman Lamont..."

Barry Cryer: "Toppled into the font..."

Willie Rushton: "He was pushed by that old bitch from Grantham!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the middle of singing a carol..."

Willie Rushton: "Geoffrey Howe cried: "Your turn in the barrel!..."

Graeme Garden: "That's a bit of a bummer!..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Said John Selwyn Gummer..."

Barry Cryer: "As Cecil whipped off his apparel."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Did you hear about old Van der Valk?..."

Graeme Garden: "He powders his bottom with talc...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When they asked him: "What for?"..."

Barry Cryer: "He said: "My bum's red raw...""

Willie Rushton: "You can tell by the way that I walk."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When turning on BBC2..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I thought: "They need something brand new..."

Barry Cryer: "Something witty and funny..."

Willie Rushton: "That doesn't cost money..."

Graeme Garden: "Why not Sorry I Haven't A Clue?"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The best way to eat avocado..."

Barry Cryer: "Is underneath Miss Brigitte Bardot..."

Willie Rushton: "Well, it was in the forties..."

Graeme Garden: "When I practised my naughties..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "With the help of old Doctor Barnardo."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When Santa gets bored in his grotto..."

Willie Rushton: "He doesn't play bingo or lotto..."

Graeme Garden: "He sits on a shelf..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And toys with an elf..."

Barry Cryer: ""Sod this for a lark!" is his motto."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the banks of Loch Ness..."

Graeme Garden: "I was startled to see Rudolph Hess...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He shouted: "Who's won?"..."

Barry Cryer: "The ignorant hun...""

Willie Rushton: "I said: "You did, in the end, more or less."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The thing about wearing a kilt..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is it tends to reveal how you're built..."

Barry Cryer: "But should you chance your arm..."

Willie Rushton: "It has an alarm..."

Graeme Garden: "And your sporran lights up and says: "Tilt!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "One night I was roused by the pipes..."

Barry Cryer: "Being played by a band of strange types..."

Willie Rushton: "They then tossed a caber..."

Graeme Garden: "And shouted: "Vote Labour!"..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My sporran lit up and said: "Cripes!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "There's a small breed of dog, called a Scottie..."

Willie Rushton: "Who's house-trained and sits on a potty..."

Graeme Garden: "He gives a loud yap..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That mischievious chap..."

Barry Cryer: "Then stands up and wipes his wee bottie."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That potty old monarch King Lear..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Was a martyr to chronic diarrhoea..."

Barry Cryer: "He'd sit on his throne..."

Willie Rushton: "Emit a loud groan..."

Graeme Garden: "And nobody else would go near."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That warrior Coriolanus..."

Barry Cryer: "Did several things that were heinous..."

Willie Rushton: "He tortured the cat..."

Graeme Garden: "Set fire to my hat..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And now he's been sick in my trainers."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "That jealous old soldier Othello..."

Willie Rushton: "Let out a stentorian bellow..."

Graeme Garden: "He fell on his sword..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And shouted: "Oh Gawd!"..."

Barry Cryer: ""That's the last time that I'll play the cello!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy, old Julius Caesar..."

Graeme Garden: "Met a virgin and tried hard to please her...."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She said: "My name is Mimi"..."

Barry Cryer: ""Are you pleased to see me?"..."

Willie Rushton: ""Or is that the Tower of Pisa?""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In Tesco's with Earth, Wind and Fire..."

Willie Rushton: "Mr Wind assaulted a buyer..."

Graeme Garden: "Mr Fire then hit Earth..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who promptly gave birth..."

Barry Cryer: "Tesco's, News at Ten, Barry Cryer."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "My hamster is called Otis Redding..."

Graeme Garden: "My goldfish is Joan Armatrading..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "My dogs are The Platters..."

Barry Cryer: "Not that that matters..."

Willie Rushton: "No, we're all up to here with the wedding."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The artist formerly known as Prince..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On stage he would posture and mince..."

Barry Cryer: "Then just for a giggle..."

Willie Rushton: "Changed his name to a squiggle..."

Graeme Garden: "And nobody's heard of him since."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When it snows you will find Sister Sledge..."

Barry Cryer: "Out mooning at night on the ledge..."

Willie Rushton: "One storey down..."

Graeme Garden: "Is the maestro, James Brown..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Displaying his meat and two veg."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In a restaurant with veteran Pete Murray..."

Bill Tidy: "He demolished a vindaloo curry!..."

Barry Cryer: "There came a great roar..."

Willie Rushton: "That rattled the floor..."

Graeme Garden: "And laid waste vast areas of Surrey."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "At an orgy with Sir Jimmy Savile..."

Willie Rushton: "His track suit began to unravel..."

Bill Tidy: "He said: "Don't make a fuss"..."

Graeme Garden: "And fashioned a truss..."

Barry Cryer: "Out of cement - two parts sand, three parts gravel."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While reading the Exchange and Mart..."

Graeme Garden: "A terrible noise made me start..."

Bill Tidy: "But I didn't worry..."

Barry Cryer: "It was only Pete Murray..."

Willie Rushton: "And with him it's not rude, it's an art."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "As they banged in the bed of hard nails..."

Mike Harding: ""Woohoo!" said the Princess of Wales..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She blew him a kiss..."

Barry Cryer: "Said: "We've never done this"..."

Willie Rushton: ""In top hat, and white tie, and tails!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The medicinal power of brandy..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is vouchsafed for, so keep some of it handy..."

Barry Cryer: "It's wondrous effect..."

Willie Rushton: "Kept Churchill erect..."

Paul Merton: "But at the same time did sod all for Gandhi!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a fully trained moth..."

Stephen Fry: "Who'd swim like a fish in Scotch Broth..."

Graeme Garden: "To end his routine..."

Willie Rushton: "He'd fart: 'God Save The Queen'..."

Barry Cryer: "Has anyone here got a cloth?"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once found my pet puss in Boots..."

Graeme Garden: "Buying condoms and herbal cheroots..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I said: "Naughty cat"..."

Barry Cryer: "You mustn't do that..."

Willie Rushton: ""They'll think we're a couple of fruits.""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear my new clogs..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm followed by frisky young dogs..."

Barry Cryer: "One started to beg..."

Willie Rushton: "Then cocked his leg..."

Graeme Garden: "And dampened the hem of my togs."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "You won't guess what I keep in my wellies..."

Barry Cryer: "Three tarts and a couple of jellies..."

Willie Rushton: "A Cadbury's Flake..."

Graeme Garden: "And a portion of hake..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And an old spotted dick of George Melly's."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Whenever I wear winklepickers..."

Willie Rushton: "I know the footsteps behind are the vicar's..."

Graeme Garden: "It's the backs of my shoes..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He likes to peruse..."

Barry Cryer: "Or perhaps it's the cut of my knickers."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a blind date with Cilla..."

Willie Rushton: "I took her to watch Aston Villa..."

Graeme Garden: "She sang to the crowd..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And she sang very loud..."

Barry Cryer: "And that's why they threatened to kill her."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I once had a trial with Bill Shankly..."

Graeme Garden: "At the end he just looked at me blankly..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Said: "You're no Roger Hunt"..."

Barry Cryer: "In fact, I'll be blunt..."

Willie Rushton: "You're absolute rubbish, quite frankly!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "We went to a show with Ken Dodd..."

Barry Cryer: "The usherette said: "Oh my God!"..."

Willie Rushton: "He'll go on for years..."

Graeme Garden: "And he's bound to sing Tears..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When he finishes, give us a prod!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "Out drinking with Bruce Grobelaar..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He paid with some cash from a jar..."

Barry Cryer: "He said: "See, I saved this!"..."

Willie Rushton: "So I gave him a kiss..."

Graeme Garden: "And he tipped himself over the bar!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "A porter from Gonville & Caius..."

Graeme Garden: "Grew potatoes on both of his knees..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On the end of his nose..."

Barry Cryer: "Grew a rare kind of rose..."

Willie Rushton: "But you'll never guess where he grew these!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a couple of Blues..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I didn't know which one to choose..."

Barry Cryer: "The one with the squint..."

Willie Rushton: "Or the one with the splint..."

Graeme Garden: "I had both, I've got nothing to lose."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out on the Cam in a punt..."

Barry Cryer: "I saw Reverend Spooner in front..."

Willie Rushton: "He said: "What a day gay!"..."

Graeme Garden: "And: "Anchors aweigh!"..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And: "Make way for my podding sunt!""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "If you're studying Natural Science..."

Willie Rushton: "I suggest that you wear this appliance..."

Graeme Garden: "You strap it on thus..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Then just hop on a bus..."

Barry Cryer: "And you'll find you get masses of clients."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "As I reached for my copy of Chaucer..."

Stephen Fry: "I awkwardly fell on a saucer..."

Graeme Garden: "I started to swoon..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "When I noticed the spoon..."

Barry Cryer: "At this point, the story gets coarser."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "In the pub with this old Wife of Bath..."

Graeme Garden: "She sat herself down by the hearth..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "She lifted her skirt..."

Barry Cryer: "Said: "Don't think me a flirt"..."

Stephen Fry: ""It's a terribly well-trodden path.""

Humphrey Lyttelton: "I've met this unusual monk..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Dressed up as a pineapple chunk..."

Barry Cryer: "He lifts up his habit..."

Stephen Fry: "Invites you to grab it..."

Graeme Garden: "And then the wee tease does a bunk."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While out with a Doctor of Physick..."

Barry Cryer: "He slipped me a strong analgesic..."

Stephen Fry: "I fell to the ground..."

Graeme Garden: "When I woke up I found..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I was chained to a lamp-post in Chiswick."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While playing a hand of whist..."

Barry Cryer: "My partner leaned forward and hissed..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "That's your tenth double gin..."

Willie Rushton: "You've a vacuous grin..."

Graeme Garden: "In a word ... you're getting the gist."

Humphrey Lyttelton: "While sailing with Captain James Cook..."

Barry Cryer: "He gave me an old-fashioned look..."

Willie Rushton: "He said 'Hello, sailor'..."

Graeme Garden: "'Tell me who's your tailor?'..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "'It must be that nice man - Tim Brooke-.'"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "A habit of Vasco de Gama's..."

Willie Rushton: "Was to tear off the first mate's pyjamas..."

Graeme Garden: "Then he'd wave them about..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And give a great shout..."

Barry Cryer: "'I wish you were here, Judith Chalmers!'"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes..."

Graeme Garden: "Was his fondness for natterjack toads..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He'd eat them alive..."

Barry Cryer: "Sometimes three, four or five..."

Willie Rushton: "Hence his need for enormous commodes!"

Humphrey Lyttelton: "When out sailing with Sir Francis Drake..."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We discovered Veronica Lake..."

Barry Cryer: "We climbed Peggy Mount..."

Willie Rushton: "(Jimmy Hill doesn't count)..."

Graeme Garden: "Scaling Cliff was a dreadful mistake!"

Mornington Crescent

Cockney Version

Positional play is illegal on any given diagonal, each move must be preceded by the official rhyming slang
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll start with the William and Kate - Notting Hill Gate."
- Barry Cryer: "Michael Caine - Chancery Lane."
- David Mitchell: "Portaloo - Waterloo."
  - Graeme Garden: "Ohhh... does that count as given?"
  - Jack Dee: "No, no, no, that's not given no, that was was obviously passed..."
- Graeme Garden: "Obviously... then it's not really a diagonal, that. Erm... Clickety-click - Hackney Wick."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Very good! Um... Julie Burchill - Barking."
- Barry Cryer: "On the pill - Dollis Hill.
- David Mitchell: "Lords on the pull - Barons Court."
- Graeme Garden: "On its own - Vauxhall."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "J. Arthur Rank - Bank."
- Barry Cryer: "Ohh... Shut your mouth - Clapham South."
  - Graeme Garden: "Ooh, careful!"
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is it a given, then?"
  - Jack Dee: "Yes, I can't allow Clapham South, that is a given."
- Barry Cryer: "Oh... Move yer arse - Mansion 'Arse."
- David Mitchell: "It's not really a circus - Oxford Circus."
- Graeme Garden: "Doctor's orders - Turnham Green."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'm a busy, busy, busy bee - Heathrow Terminals 1, 2 & 3."
- Barry Cryer: "Ooh me blisters - Seven Sisters.
- David Mitchell: "Useless for shopping - Wapping."
- Graeme Garden: "A short walk in the Hindu kush - Shepherd's Bush."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Quite unpleasant - Mornington Crescent!"

Morgantown Crescent

Sat-Navs have been provided for the teams.
- Graeme Garden: "Now I probably want to head off to Neath or somewhere like that to start with..."
  - Sat-Nav: "Turn left in 400 yards."
- Graeme Garden: "...Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Neath."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Okay, um..."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Hi-de-hi, campers!" (the Welsh Sat-Nav speaks with a computerised Welsh accent)
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Umm..."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Take the second exit. Not that way, that way is England!"
  - Sat-Nav: "Is she Eastern European?"
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Welsh. Shut it!"
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Hay-on-Wye."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Turn left into Cardigan, or you won't feel the benefit."
- Barry Cryer: "Cardigan."
- Rob Brydon: "(sighs)... Fishguard."
  - Graeme Garden: "Fishguard, eh?"
  - Rob Brydon: "That is diagonal."
  - Graeme Garden: "I've gotta be careful, what's the Sat-Nav..?"
  - Sat-Nav: "Turn right opposite the... wow, Wales has got a cinema!" (audience laughter)
  - Barry Cryer: "(under audience laughter) Oh dear!"
  - Jack Dee: "(under audience laughter) Unbelievable!"
- Graeme Garden: "I've got a clue in there somewhere... Pontypool."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Well, I'm not quite sure what to do..."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "You are approaching a hillside. Watch out for where we keep a welcome."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh, in that case I'll have to go to Llandudno."
  - Sat-Nav: "Are you the Tim Brooke-Taylor?"
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yes."
  - Sat-Nav: "Really?"
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yep."
  - Sat-Nav: "Never heard of you!" (audience laughter)
- Barry Cryer: "Um... Maesteg."
  - Sat-Nav: "Look: sheep!"
- Rob Brydon: "Llanelli."
  - Graeme Garden: "What?"
- Rob Brydon: "Llanelli, you heard me!"
- Graeme Garden: "Yes, I just didn't believe it. Well, I'm tempted by Milford Haven at this point..."
  - Sat-Nav: "Follow the sign to Lan-fair-p-w-u-l-gwyn-gogo-dredge-wyrn-drob-wool-lantisilo-goggogoch."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "It's actually Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!" (audience cheers)
- Graeme Garden: "I'll go with Milford Haven."
  - Jack Dee: "Milford Haven? That means you're now in knip officially, Tim."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Is that what they call it in this part of the world? Umm... Crickhowell I was gonna say."
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Systems failure warning: You have a leak in your radiator. Add some potatoes and make soup." (a leek)
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll stick with that."
  - Jack Dee: "Crickhowell, yeah?"
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Crickhowell."
- Barry Cryer: "Llangrannog."
- Rob Brydon: "Pontardawe." (audience cheers)
  - Sat-Nav: "Oh look, we are entering the village of Ildi-witch!"
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "That's not Ildi-witch, it's Ildiwch, it's a roadsign telling you to give way."
  - Sat-Nav: "Whatever it is, it appears to be missing a vowel!"
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Felly, fy helpu! Byddaf yn cicio'ch ass yma i Aberystwyth!, which translates as So help me! I'll kick your arse from here to Aberystwyth!"
  - Sat-Nav: "Jack, are you going to let her speak to me like that?"
  - Jack Dee: "Graeme..."
  - Sat-Nav: "Did last night mean nothing to you?" (audience laughter)
- Graeme Garden: "Holyhead."
  - Jack Dee: "Holyhead? So, um, we've..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Prestatyn."
  - Jack Dee: "No, I can't let you have Prestatyn."
  - Rob Brydon: "Would you accept Port Talbot?"
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The last one was Crickhowell, wasn't it?"
  - Jack Dee: "I don't think anyone would accept Port Talbot!" (audience laughter)
  - Welsh Sat-Nav: "Silly bitch!"
- Rob Brydon: "Saundersfoot."
  - Jack Dee: "Is it not Tim's go?"
  - Rob Brydon: "We're playing as a team!"
  - Jack Dee: "No, it was Tim's go."
  - Rob Brydon: "Oh, right."
  - Jack Dee: "I'm sorry, I have to be - there's, you know, no point in playing if you don't play by the rules!"
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will Brecon do?"
  - Jack Dee: "Brecon is fine, yes. You're fine there."
- Barry Cryer: "Morgantown Crescent!"

Bethlehem Rules

Christmas-related moves score double
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Angel, Islington."
- Barry Cryer: "Shepherd's Bush."
- Stephen Fry: "Three Kings Road."
- Graeme Garden: "Oooh, yes... Gold-Golders Green."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Silent Knightsbridge."
  - Stephen Fry: "Oh yes, you take that to get to Herod's."
- Barry Cryer: "Knightsbridge... Oxen Circus."
  - Jack Dee: (to Barry) "You can't have Oxen Circus..."
  - Barry Cryer: "Why not?"
  - Jack Dee: "...because Angel was Tim's advent."
  - Barry Cryer: "Okay, fair enough. Okay..."
  - Graeme Garden: "Do the diagonal."
- Barry Cryer: "Bethlehem Rules... Haymarket."
- Stephen Fry: "Oooh, er... It's a very sad place, it was where Joe Orton was murdered, but Noel Road... in Islington..."
  - Jack Dee: "And that's got us all in the mood again, thank you(!)"
- Graeme Garden: "Turnham Green."
  - Jack Dee: "That's got nothing to do with Christmas..."
  - Graeme Garden: "Well, it'd be a miracle, wouldn't it?"
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Myrrhlebone... better than gold!"
- Barry Cryer: "Goldhawk Road."
  - Jack Dee: "We've had Golders Green, so I can't have that, I'm sorry. Sorry, Barry..."
  - Barry Cryer: "No, but it's a parallel, it's not a direct clash with it..."
  - Jack Dee: "No, you're taking from Golders Green when you're already on a diagonal anyway, so..." (audience hisses) "Well, I mean, how well do you know Bethlehem Rules? No. You know, I'm the one who has to study this, and then- and yet you don't like it when I insist we do it properly!"
- Barry Cryer: "Lincoln's Inn."
- Stephen Fry: "No Bedford Square."
- Graeme Garden: "Followstar Avenue..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "...to Mornington Crescent!"

Lord Knaresborough's Yorkshire Variation

Positional play in't first progression is permitted only if aboon the diagonal and following a linking snicket ginnel or owt like it.
Players finding themselves blocked should retire to Nidd and miss three goes.
Rule 8 is void.
- Jack Dee: (in his usual deadpan voice throughout) "I shall be in Yorkshire mode reet way through't game. So, Tim, you big southern jessie, you can start."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "And proud of it. Goodge Street."
  - Barry Cryer: "What? Goodge Street?"
  - Jack Dee: "He's close to Nidd there, but..."
  - Barry Cryer: "He is in Nidd, surely?"
  - Jack Dee: "...he's okay with that."
- Barry Cryer: "Okay. Goodge Street? Well I can duplicate 'Street'... Warren Street."
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh! Surprisingly good."
- Sandi Toksvig: "Ah... but linking snicket ginnel, I'm gonna go... straight to Seven Sisters."
  - Jack Dee: "Yes..." (audience applause and whistling) "...That's a crowd-pleaser!"
- Graeme Garden: "Right, I've got to get out of that snicket, haven't I? Right, I need a... a six. M-O-R-D-E-N, Morden."
  - Barry Cryer: "Oh, good!"
  - Jack Dee: "Six, right? Morden... yes."
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Rule 8, we weren't allowing Rule 8."
  - Jack Dee: "Er, no, but because you initiated Goodge Street..."
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh, right."
  - Jack Dee: "...he's manoeuvred himself out of his..."
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Fair enough, I got you."
  - Jack Dee: "...otherwise, yes, he would have been down t'pit." (audience laughter)
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I see where this is going, really. Pimlico."
- Barry Cryer: "Victoria." (audience applause)
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Just because he's from Yorkshire doesn't mean you have to applaud." (audience laughter)
- Sandi Toksvig: "I can do a Flat Cap Fail, couldn't I, on this point?"
  - Jack Dee: "Yes, you're certainly permitted."
- Sandi Toksvig: "Yep? Um... Totteridge & Whetstone." (murmurs of approval from the panel)
  - Jack Dee: "Well done, flower." (audience laughter)
  - Sandi Toksvig: "That's not a sentence you ever expected to say to me, Jack!"
  - Jack Dee: "I'm still not sure I got away with it." (audience & Sandi laughter)
- Graeme Garden: "Being serious, she's deployed her whippet! Well, Lord Knaresborough I'm sure would approve of Knightsbridge."
  - Jack Dee: "No, no, I can't let you do Knightsbridge, I'm sorry. According to the Ilkley Moor Amendment, you're... you're baht 'at." (audience laughter)
- Graeme Garden: "Okay. Er... Elephant Baht Castle."
  - Jack Dee: "No, I'm sorry, I can't let you have Elephant Baht Castle, that doesn't work. Ya ha'p'orth." (audience laughter)
  - Graeme Garden: "You feeling alright, Jack?"
  - Jack Dee: "I've done my homework! You come up here with your fancy London ways..." (audience laughter) "...and give us Knightsbridge. Try again, Graeme."
- Graeme Garden: "Clapham."
  - Jack Dee: "Clapham, yes, that's okay."
  - Graeme Garden: "That was a command!" (audience laughter and applause)
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bank."
- Barry Cryer: "Oh... Waterloo."
  - Graeme Garden: "Careful!"
  - Barry Cryer: "No, no! It's..."
  - Jack Dee: "It's actually permissible, 'appen as like." (audience laughter)
- Sandi Toksvig: "Er, Burnt Oak. That's 'boon the diagonal."
  - Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Yeah, of course it is!"
  - Jack Dee: "Quite right."
- Graeme Garden: "Erm, I'll have to go to the foot of our stairs." (audience laughter) "Erm... Queensway."
  - Jack Dee: "Queensway, I can permit, but you get nowt points for it."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Barons Court."
- Barry Cryer: "Earl's Court."
  - Sandi Toksvig: "Seriously? You're gonna go Barons Court, Earl's Court? Are you really?"
  - Barry Cryer: "Yes."
- Sandi Toksvig: "Mornington Crescent!"

Movie Prequels

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Alice Lives Here."
Barry Cryer: "Apocalypse Soon."
Graeme Garden: "That Baby Jane's Got A Future."
Jeremy Hardy: "Gone With The Lentil And Butterbean Stew."
Graeme Garden: "Sapling Gump."
Jeremy Hardy: "The Land That Time Put In A Safe Place."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Italian Jobseeker."
Jeremy Hardy: "Cheese Eaten Too Close To Bedtime On Elm Street."
Graeme Garden: "The Empire Gets Struck."
Jeremy Hardy: "The Long Way Round, Avoiding The River Kwai."
Graeme Garden: "One Of Our Aircraft Is... Here."
Jeremy Hardy: "Good Luck With Your OFSTED Mr. Chips."
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me Someone Who Knows Alfredo Garcia."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Gulliver's Packing."
Barry Cryer: "The Chronicles of Hernia."
Phill Jupitus: "Four Engagement Parties and a Bloke Who Doesn't Feel Very Well."
Graeme Garden: "Let's Hope Nobody Comes and Snatches These Bodies."
Phill Jupitus: "The Empire Considers Its Response."
Barry Cryer: "Will Somebody Shut Those Bloody Lambs Up?"
Graeme Garden: "Begin Camping."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Will There Be Blood?"
Graeme Garden: "Begin Up The Khyber."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "We're Running a Bit Low on Mohicans."
Graeme Garden: "Bit Of An Atmosphere On The Bounty."
Phill Jupitus: "Schindler Goes To Ryman's, Buys A Biro And A Notebook."

Misleading Advice

Misleading Etiquette

Jeremy Hardy: "When a lady enters a room, always stand with the words 'Blimey, that one shot me right off me seat!'"
Sandi Toksvig: "When addressed by a member of British royalty, they prefer for you to answer in German."
Jack Dee: "At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it's traditional to tear it up and say 'What did you come here for? The bins are round the back!'"
Barry Cryer: "At a funeral, don't forget to throw an old mattress in the hole for luck."
Jeremy Hardy: "When shown baby pictures, take an interest saying things like 'I didn't know you two were cousins!' or 'You know you can do wonders with Photoshop!'"
Jack Dee: "If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means you're not going fast enough!"
Barry Cryer: "The official greeting for Duchess of Kent is 'I hear you go like a tram!'"
Jeremy Hardy: "Always compliment a woman at dinner. Try something like 'You look like a model. Let's hope you can keep that down!'"
Sandi Toksvig: "British men consider you rude if you don't share their urinal."
Jeremy Hardy: "If you don't know the words of football chants, entertain the opposing fans with songs from West Side Story."
Rob Brydon: "The correct way to greet the Bishop of Southwark is 'Get out of my car, you're pissed, Your Grace!'"

Kiss of Death

Graeme Garden: "So, when's it due?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Your mother's very attractive. Your brother's strangely attractive."
Barry Cryer: "Your hair looks so natural, particularly the left nostril."
Willie Rushton: "Oh I assure you, your mother liked it."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "No further than't stockin' tops!"
Willie Rushton: "That was a lovely evening, and with service charge included, that will cost you 250 guineas."
Barry Cryer: "I've just noticed - your eyes match the spinach in your teeth."
Willie Rushton: "Your place, or back to the sheltered accommodation?"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Let's go for a run in the Skoda."

Graeme Garden: "I hope you don't mind men who like to play rough. I've got one waiting in the bedroom..."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "No wonder you didn't send a photo!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Shall we listen to Quote, Unquote?"
Barry Cryer: "You don't sweat much for a big girl."
Jeremy Hardy: "There's something different about you. You're so...alive!"
Graeme Garden: "Let's do it right here and now, while everyone's concentrating on the sermon."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Oh dear. Sorry about this. I hope it's just nits."
Graeme Garden: "I would ask you back to my place, but I've got a chainsaw in soak."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Whoops! Well that's better out than in!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "LOOK OUT! Just my little joke!"
Jeremy Hardy: "I find myself torn between Veritas and UKIP..."
Barry Cryer: "Get your balaclava on, you've pulled!"

Trail of the Lonesome Pun

Barry Cryer: "Later on Radio 4 today, Dale Winton goes to visit the Yorkshire Dales... or does he? Dale or No Dale."
David Mitchell: "Later on ITV2, David and Victoria Beckham discuss how their marriage has survived both the good times and the bad. That's Thick and Thin: How We Got Through It."
Graeme Garden: "After the news, we join Anthony McPartlin before he puts his trousers on in the morning. That's Ant's in his Pants."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "In the programme later in the week, our celebrity would-be fish wrestling referee handles his first match tonight in Between a Rock Salmon and a Hard Plaice... I'm sorry, I'll read that again."
David Mitchell: "Later on Channel 4, leading plastic surgeon Simon Wallace discusses recent advances in breast augmentation, following successful grafting procedures involving skin taken from the lower buttock. That's Arse Over Tit."
Graeme Garden: "Tonight sees the first episode of our new drama series set in the emergency room of a busy cottage hospital in Devon. Nine o'clock, tune in to Ooh-Arr.
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Coming up on Radio 4 Long Wave, former umpire Dickie Bird starts an in-depth four-part analysis of bowling actions over the past half-century, investigating the decline of the full toss or beamer in English cricket. That's Dickie Bird in Nobody Gives a Toss later this evening.
David Mitchell: "In the last programme in our Pottery Season, we'll be showing you how to finish off the outsides of plates or bowls in A Guide to Rimming."
Graeme Garden: "Tonight's documentary tells the strange story of Sigmund Freud and his time as a market gardener: 1912 Vienna saw the father of psychiatry tending his greenhouse at the world famous cafe run, surprisingly, by a family of weasels. Nine o'clock tonight you can hear all about Freud-Grown Tomatoes at the Weasel's Top Cafe."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "This week's Archive Hour provides another chance to see gardening legend Percy Thrower reveal his extensive collection of fine bone china, much of which he's been able to identify blindfolded. That's Point Percy at the Porcelain this Monday at three."
David Mitchell: "Elderly relatives get a sexy makeover in Gran Designs."

Tim Brooke-Taylor: Later on Sky One, a programme exploring claims that a small amount of alcohol can have an even more helpful effect than Viagra, with Absinthe Makes the Part Grow Longer."
Barry Cryer: "Coming up on Channel 4, spiky-haired celebrity chef Gary Rhodes presents his definitive guide to pancake making. That's The Complete Tosser after the break."
Jo Brand: "Later on we see a group of lumberjacks try to predict how much will fly off a log when they cut it - The Chipping Forecast..." (audience groans) "Is that good to get a groan like that?" (Tim: "Yes. Very much so.") "I'm quite pleased with it, thank you! (laughs)"
Jeremy Hardy: "9pm on Channel 4, Gok Wan helps you disguise the bags under your eyes in How to Look Good Knackered."
Jo Brand: "Later on we see nurses competing to deal with pus-filled boils in Strictly Come Lancing."
Jeremy Hardy: "On Channel 4 tomorrow, a post-apocalyptic makeover programme in which Gok Wan advises on how to deal with the aftermath of an atomic bomb in How to Look Good Nuked."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Our Eskimo boating series continues with a guide to wood-burning stoves in Have Your Kayak and Heat It."
Jeremy Hardy: "Next on BBC Four, rare footage of a legendary concert at the North Pole's only prison - Cash in the Arctic."
Jo Brand: "Later on tonight, a documentary in which my husband and I star, and we talk about our longest night of love - Just a Minute." (Tim: "A minute? Blimey...")
Jeremy Hardy: "Tomorrow on BBC Two, a new cookery programme for cannibals - One Foot in the Gravy, and tomorrow morning Woman's Hour moves to television and becomes PMTV."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Later, hear how French philosophy has been banned in Scandinavia in Don't Put Descartes Before the Norse."

David Mitchell: "Now on Radio 4, an acute sufferer from OCD talks movingly about how his condition, which results in an obsessive hoarding of all bodily excretions, led to an ever greater than normal sense of violation when he returned home to discover he was being burgled, in Are You Taking the Piss?
Graeme Garden: "ITV, Saturday, seven o'clock, a team of celebrities try unsuccessfully to defuse an unexploded World War II bomb. That's A Blast from the Past."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Channel 4 at ten tonight, a documentary on how irritating members of the Royal Family refuse to leave their private jet. That is The Reigning Pain Stays Mainly on the Plane."
Barry Cryer: "Coming up on BBC Three, glamour model Katie Price pays a visit to Bakewell in Derbyshire to discover the secret of their eponymous pastry. That's Britain's Favourite Tart... paying a visit to Derbyshire."
Graeme Garden: "Tonight at nine o'clock on BBC One, Ian Hislop and Paul Merton return with Have I Ripped Off The News Quiz For You."
David Mitchell: "Now on BBC Three, Wayne Rooney presents a simple guide to double-entry bookkeeping in Double-Entry Bookkeeping: An Idiot's Guide."
Graeme Garden: "At ten o'clock, we trace the England team's track record in the soccer World Cup since 1966. That's Lost on Channel 4.

Graeme Garden: "Channel 4 presents an award-winning documentary about the late Mrs. Simpson, Duchess of Windsor, and her life-long struggle with seasickness. That's Wallis and Vomit, tonight at nine."
Barry Cryer: "Channel 4, nine tonight, a documentary about the amazing case of a man who's accused of sexually harassing elephants. That's Tickling the Ivories."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Later on this afternoon, how Scandinavians lose their hair trying to steal from a poorly protected furniture warehouse in Locking the Table Store After the Norse Has Molted."
Phill Jupitus: "And later tonight on BBC Two we continue our documentary series about life in the Middle East. We look at people whose upstairs neighbours are Palestinian militants. That's Homes Under the Hamas, shortly."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Tonight, a heartwarming documentary when the ladies of the parish get rid of all the weeds in the church cemetery, entitled Let's Get Them Out For the Vicar, on Channel 5 at seven."
Phill Jupitus: "And as part of our music season on BBC Four, there's gonna be time for our round-table music discussion show with the woman who sang "Those Were the Days", the bloke who sang "In the Summertime" and finally the man who sang "Vienna". That's Mary, Mungo and Midge, coming up soon."

Barry Cryer: "On Radio 4 tomorrow morning at nine forty-five, Brian Blessed reads from his audiobook. That's Prick Up Your Ears, nine forty-five." (Jack: "Thank you, Barry, that was lovely...")
Rob Brydon: "Well, Jamie Oliver goes to an inner city hospital to eat baked beans on toast in front of the telly. That's Casual Tea, on BBC One."
Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Channel 4, Gordon Ramsay talks about his love of cute feline-themed pyjamas in Gordon's Kitten Nightwear.
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Channel 5 this evening, a documentary on children who've had bad family experiences in Bob's Your Uncle."
Rob Brydon: "A town on the northern banks of the Mersey decides to stop talking and stop making noise while they carry out forensic pathology. That's Silent Widnes, tonight on BBC One."
Jeremy Hardy: "Later on Radio 4, Evan Davis relives the trauma of seeing his plumber bend down to look under his sink. That's The Bottom Line at half past four."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "On BBC tonight we see the working life of Jack Dee in Live at the Apollo, Big Brother, Shooting Stars, The Apprentice: You're Fired! and many more in Jack of All Trades, Master of Them All."
Rob Brydon: "A group of Boy Scouts take charge of a rural parish. That's The Vicar of Dyb-Dyb-Dybley on BBC One."
Barry Cryer: "Ten thirty tonight on BBC One, Graham Norton interviews Jerry Hall about her relationship with Rupert Murdoch. That's Jerry and the Pacemaker."
Rob Brydon: "A maverick detective investigates the mystery of how to give your back a good old scrub in the bathtub. That's Idris Elba in Loofah."
Jeremy Hardy: "And later on Channel 4, we ask whether newspapers really are tomorrow's fish and chip paper. That's A Plaice in The Sun at eight o'clock."
Rob Brydon: "Join us in the tent as Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc develop severe bronchitis in The Great British Bad Cough."

Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Three, veteran comedian and ladies' man Barry Cryer hosts a dating and makeover series specifically targeted at the over-eighties. That's Snog Barry Avoid?"
Barry Cryer: "On ITV tonight, Beyoncé shows us round the stately home she's just bought. That's Beyoncé Castle, tonight on ITV."
Richard Osman: "Next on BBC One, what happens when a leading chemist opens two branches in the same Surrey town in These Boots Are Made For Woking?"
Sandi Toksvig: "Tonight, Rick Stein travels to France to examine why the British are so squeamish about some traditional French cooking. That's Rick Stein in Horses for Courses."
Miles Jupp: "Coming up on BBC Four, we look at the intriguing case of how one of Britain's favourite comedians won planning permission to build his new house next to a cemetery. That's Let Bygraves Be By Graves, later on BBC Four."
Richard Osman: "And on Channel 4 now, a documentary entirely made up of short bits of footage of cardiac surgery in Totally Clips of the Heart."
Sandi Toksvig: "In The Life Scientific, Jim Al-Khalili talks to professor James Long about his groundbreaking work analysing personality traits from peoples' urine samples. That's Taking the Piss, this Wednesday."
Miles Jupp: "Tonight's concert on Radio 3 features a group of amateur musicians who are all serving police officers, the London Occasional Law Officers' Light Orchestra, so tonight at eight don't miss music from LOLOLO." ("'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello.")
Richard Osman: "On E4 now, the dating show where IT professionals have to win a date and then immediately get dumped in Try Turning It On and Off Again."
Sandi Toksvig: "Tune in for the new quiz with Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, and all the contestants go commando. That's Pantless, today at five."

Complete Bellocs

Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text..."
- Graeme Garden: "Which made her thumbs fall off and all her parents had to say was 'LOL'."
Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Bit through the mains, his feet were damp, they used him as a standing lamp."
Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer..."
- Barry Cryer: "With her current boyfriend Vince, they've been going round together ever since."
Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo..."
- Rob Brydon: "And when they picked up all the pieces, little Stu was lion faeces."
Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave..."
- Graeme Garden: "And now he's in Heaven, the angels sing, and on his tombstone, one word - 'Ping!'"
Jack Dee: "Young Nigel earned a stern reproof for doing cartwheels on the roof..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Until he fell off with a shout, and then The Archers kicked him out."
Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl..."
- Barry Cryer: "She cried out in extreme frustration - 'You've ruined my colonic irrigation!'"
Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines..."
- Rob Brydon: "Evening, afternoon and morn, Mike would have his fill of porn. Playboy, Penthouse, Rustler, Knave was surely no way to behave, and then one day the top shelf fell, on Mike and he went straight to Hell. A tragic end to a short life - snuffed out beneath the Reader's Wife."

Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'..."
- Barry Cryer: "It was a water bed, and with his very last breath, the poor man poached himself to death."
Jack Dee: "'Do not put', his mum told Ted, 'that plastic bag upon your head'..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "'But I'm an astronaut!', he replied, with one last breath, and then he died."
Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Sue would feed the monkeys in the zoo..."
- Jan Ravens: "A big gorilla, loosely caged, got out, and now they are engaged."
Jack Dee: "With stick in hand, naughty Denise approached a peaceful swarm of bees..."
- Jeremy Hardy: "She had in mind to throw a rock, but died of anaphylactic shock."
Jack Dee: "Daisy Pugh and husband Gus, spiced up their sex life on the bus..."
- Barry Cryer: "She cried out as they reached the stop, 'There's room for just one more on top!'"
Jack Dee: "Poor Mrs. Wilhelmina Binns was knackered giving birth to quins..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What killed her off and turned her mauve? Each one looked like Michael Gove!"
Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Mya climbed right inside the tumble dryer..."
- Jan Ravens: "It wasn't comfy in the drum - young Mya had a massive bum. But then it seemed her fate was fixed, the door was closed and cottons (mixed), selected by her careless mother, a lazy slut and like no other! It wasn't suffocation killed her, but all the lint from in the filter. So hark unto this breaking news, clean out the filter after use!" (Jack: You could've done some preparation for this, Jan, really...)
Jack Dee: "A stubborn boy whose name was Norm, flew his kite in a lightning storm..."
- Jeremy Hardy: "And now he never throws his frisbee, because his arms are rather crispy."
Jack Dee: "A wicked habit of young Bill's, was rifling through his father's pills..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "One day when Bill was with his friend, he found it was to be his end: a bottle on the bedside table - 'Viagra (always read the label)'. To eat them he was promptly goaded, and then his genitals exploded!"
Jack Dee: "Without permission, stupid Jake went skating on a frozen lake..."
- Jeremy Hardy: "He's dead now."
Jack Dee: "Young James thought it would be a lark, to ride upon a great white shark..."
- Jeremy Hardy: "It wasn't." (Jack: Maybe you and Jan can come to a compromise!)
Jack Dee: "A dreadful habit of young Mart's was lighting his and others' farts..."
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: "He lit up after sprouts and beans, they felt the blast in Milton Keynes!"

New Company Slogans

Barry Cryer: "The Milk Marketing Board - A glass of milk... in every glass."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Southern or Northern Rail - We're not happy 'til you're not happy."
Miles Jupp: "Disneyland - Because if you don't take them, they will never shut up!"
John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!"
Miles Jupp: "McDonald's - We have toilets!"
Barry Cryer: "The Noise Abatement Society - ..."
John Finnemore: "Yellow Pages - In case the internet stops existing."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Andrex - Shit happens."
John Finnemore: "Prosecco - For those special occasions that aren't that special."
Barry Cryer: "Durex - In your wallet for years."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Vodafone - Mos...ubbish...obile...hone...cept...in...country."
John Finnemore: "Fray Bentos - Don't ask, don't tell."
Miles Jupp: "The Wild Bean Café - You have literally no other option!"
John Finnemore: "Hull Trains - Oh, doesn't every city have its own trains? Oh, I'm sorry. We do."
Barry Cryer: "Tesco ready meals - Horses for courses!"

Non-recurring Games

Wuthering Hillocks

Willie Rushton: "Tadpole Dundee"
Graeme Garden: "The Chi-Hua-Hua of the Baskervilles"
Graeme Garden: "Gibbon's Decline & Fall of the Hackney Empire"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "EM Forster's 'A Passage to Islington'"
Willie Rushton: (on James Bond books) "'Casino Royale' has now become 'Bingo with Princess Michael', 'Thunderball' is 'Drizzle Pillock', 'Dr. No' is 'First aid kit in the boot, possibly', and my favourite I think is 'Octopussy' has become 'Unipart'."
Barry Cryer: "The Condom of the Opera"
Graeme Garden: "Moby Doris"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Balshazzar's Sandwich"

Nigella's Saucy Mouthfuls

Barry Cryer: "Winkles in cider."
Jack Dee: "Lean back and fillet."
Rob Brydon: "She's very good with ice-cream dishes, I'd like to see her lick the nuts off a large Neapolitan!"
Graeme Garden: "And there's Antony Worrall Thompson's crabs on ginger nuts!"
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "A nice alternative to caesar salad is caesar melons!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Coq in a vin."
Barry Cryer: "A full-bodied 69, you can keep your macon".
Andy Hamilton: "Toad in the hole. Then out of the hole, then in the hole, then out of the hole..."
Jack Dee: "Aberdeen Angus underbelly with wild salmon top, after which you could have a sorbet."

Heston Services

Marcus Brigstocke: "Chicken in a gasket."
Barry Cryer: "Mange toot-toot."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Chili con car-key."
Graeme Garden: "Spaghetti carburettor."
Marcus Brigstocke: "Carparkio of beef."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "De-icer cream."
Barry Cryer: "Coq au white van."
Marcus Brigstocke: "Roof rack of lamb."
Graeme Garden: "And for Jewish travellers, unleaded bread, and that's to celebrate the Feast of the Overpass."
Marcus Brigstocke: "Jellied wheels."
Graeme Garden: "And those who enjoy Korean cooking, there's Rover."

Missed Hits

Barry Cryer: "Shakespeare in Hove."
Graeme Garden: "Edward Fingerhands."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Joseph and His Quite Interesting Beige Pajamas."
Jeremy Hardy: "Dial "M" for Customer Services."
Graeme Garden: "The Third Sense: I See Deaf People."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "All Quiet on the Front of Western."
Barry Cryer: "The Chronicles of Hernia."
Jeremy Hardy: "Civiless in Seattle."
Graeme Garden: "The Bourne Soup Recipe."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "If I'm a Celebrity, What am I Doing Here?"
Barry Cryer: "The Sound of Mucus."
Jeremy Hardy: "Being John Craven."
Graeme Garden: "One of Our Aircraft is Missing. Oh, No; Here It Is!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Groundhog Day 2."
Barry Cryer: "The Texas Cold Sore Massacre."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Who Wants to Be a Milliner?"
Graeme Garden: "Raiders of the Lost...Oh, No; Here It Is!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Seven Dwarfs for Seven Samurai."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Tale of Mr. Tiggy's Winkle."
Graeme Garden: "The Hunt for Red...Oh, No; Here It Is!"
Jeremy Hardy: "Around IKEA in 80 Days."
Graeme Garden: "Bring Me the Head of...Oh, No; Here It Is!"

Less Scary Remakes

Barry Cryer: "Night Nurse on Elm Street."
Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Reservoir Ducks."
Graeme Garden: "It's Alright To Look Now."
Miles Jupp: "Night of the Living Happily in Surrey."
Barry Cryer: "The Knicker Man."
Miles Jupp: "Carrie On Camping."
Barry Cryer: "Thursday the 12th."
Graeme Garden: "The Blair Bush Project.... actually that was pretty scary!"

Other

Samantha

"Samantha tell us she has to nip off now to see her gentleman beautician friend now, who has a leg hair treatment for her. He lays ribbons of sticky wax paper on her thighs and then lets them dry. Then, Samantha says, she likes to watch as he rips the paper strips and wax off for her..."

"It just occurred to me that Samantha hasn't given us the scores...since 1981."

"While Samantha nips out to warm up her little Morris..."

"While Samantha nips over to Prague for a quick check-up..."

"Before I nip out with Samantha for a time honoured blow on the seafront..."

"While Samantha and I nip out with my flexible friend to make a large withdrawal..."

"As Samantha tells me it's time to let her whippet out..."

"Samantha tells me she's expecting a visit from a film producer in her dressing room after the show. With news of a part he's been holding for her. He seems sure she's gonna make it big."

"While Samantha nips out to enjoy a mouthful of Jacob's..."

"Samantha has just returned from congratulating a local builder friend who successfully bid for a contract this week. He said she was delighted to see his little firm won."

"Samantha was telling us before the show she's been visiting a nice gentleman racehorse owner in his stables recently. She doesn't know much about racing, but she's already seen something to admire in his jockeys."

"Samantha tells me she has to nip out to help an old man next door who has trouble using his stairlift. She goes in every night to put him on downstairs, and then pulls him off on the landing."

"While Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of local winkles in cider..."

"So as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..."

"So while Samantha nips out to nibble on her favourite bit of Leicester..."

"Samantha has just started keeping bees, and already has three dozen or so. She says she's got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He'll carefully take out her 38 bees... and soon have them flying round his head."

"Samantha has to nip out now, as she is off to see a Scots trawlerman friend, whose vessel needs to go in for repairs. Samantha says he's keen to lay her up in the Orkneys..."

"Samantha has to nip out now to spend time with her new gentleman friend. They're going on a driving tour of Wales. She says he's looking forward to showing her Cardiff and Cardigan Bay, before going on to Bangor in the back of his van."

"Samantha has to nip out now with her new gentleman friend. Apparently, they've been working on the restoration of an old chest of drawers. Samantha is in charge of polishing, while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she's got a new job working in the sound archive as the manager. It's her first day, so apparently she's going to give a speech in the back room and hand jobs out in the office."

"The sound effects were acquired for us from the BBC archives by the lovely Samantha. She visits the old men down there every so often to get new material for the show, but it's a trifle unorganised down there. She says that she doesn't mind if they want to dicker about three times a week."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she has a new gentleman friend. Apparently, he's a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he's managed to get her the latest model. She says she can't wait to get home and handle her new Phillips upright."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she is meeting her new zookeeper gentleman friend. She's going to meet him at the monkey house, where he's often found swinging about with his charges. She says she doesn't mind looking up and seeing him hung like a baboon."

"Samantha's popped out to visit an old gentleman friend of hers who's a notorious curmudgeon. However, she finds that if she butters him up properly she can sometimes get him to splash out." (November 2006)

"In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."

"Samantha nearly made it - she's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin quarter. An Italian gentleman friend has promised to take her out for an ice-cream, and she likes nothing better than to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan." (Humphrey Lyttleton's final joke on the show, recorded shortly before his death in April 2008)

Jack Dee: "Samantha has to nip off now as she's having a lot of work done on her house - last week there was a painter/decorator downstairs and a roofer/felter up in the loft..."

Colin Sell

"You'll be accompanied by Colin Sell on the piano. Incidentally, new listeners to the programme may be interested to know that Colin Sell was a member of several pop groups in the 60's and 70's, some of which became quite well known after he'd left them. There was Colin & Garfunkel, Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick Titch & Colin, The Electric Light Piano, & perhaps most interestingly, The Jackson Six."

"Teams, to accompany you, I'm sure you'd all like to welcome our brand new pianist...but until he's provided, we'll just have to make do with our old one... Colin Sell."

"You'll be accompanied on the piano by Colin Sell, one of the finest musicians of the day...of course, when night comes, something seems to desert him."

"This musical lament will be accompanied by Colin Sell...and music doesn't come more lamentable than that."

"Accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we've just heard some great news - I'm very pleased to announce that the BBC have arranged a special collection of Colin's entire work... they've bagged it up, & the council are sending some men round for it on Tuesday."

"I am assured that piano accompaniment is required for this round, and it appears that Colin Sell is unexpectedly available to provide it. You know that whenever musicians hear that Colin's working with us, they're always very keen for news of the old maestro... well, sadly, it's failed it's M.O.T. again, so he's had to come on his bike."

"Colin Sell is at the piano, and with exciting career news - he tells me that he's recently started to work with pop sensation Bjork, so now he's making regular trips to Iceland... or if they're shut, he goes to Bejams."

"You know, I was interested to learn recently that Colin doesn't just play the piano, in fact I have a letter here that says he's recently become very handy on the sax... and that's signed by the Haringey Council Waste Disposal Department."

"Actually, Colin was telling us that he recently started on backing material with his new singer... so if anyone needs some curtains run up..."

"Actually, listeners may be interested to hear that Colin doesn't only play the piano... oh no. He's recently become a bit of an expert with the pan pipes... so if anyone has a blocked toilet they want cleared..."

"As ever, Colin Sell will be providing backup on the piano, although that's by no means his only instrument. In fact, I have a cutting here from Jazz Monthly magazine, written by their top reviewer. It reads: "When I heard Colin Sell playing the mouth organ, I rushed in just in time to catch his set. He really should use a stronger denture fixative if he's going to blow that hard.""

"Incidentally, Colin's first TV appearance was when he played the mouth organ in Black Lace. Opportunity Knocks said it was the worst novelty drag act they'd ever had on the show."

"Actually, we're all very excited for Colin, as he's been invited to play at a U-2 gig...what great reunion dances those German submarine crews have."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me he's thinking of branching out into artist management. Apparently he has this dream of handling The Spice Girls. Mrs. Sell says it's the only thing that gets him up in the morning."

"Accompaniment here will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we were all surprised to hear that Colin has recently been standing in for Oasis. He spent 4 days holding up a dried arrangement at the Chelsea Flower Show."

"Backing will be provided, as ever, by Colin Sell at the piano. Actually, we were interested to hear that Colin has recently been enjoying himself in the brass section. The manageress at Dorothy Perkin's says if she catches him in there again, she'll call the police."

"Actually, Colin was telling us before the show that he once toured Britain with The Monkees... then Mr. Chipperfield promoted him to the elephants and gave him a bigger shovel."

"Incidentally, pianist Colin Sell was once mistaken for a member of the Partridge Family... it took him nearly three weeks to pick the lead shot out of his backside."

"Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight."

"The round is called Karaoke Cokey, and it'll be led by Colin Sell at the piano. In fact, we heard from him earlier, singing 'You put your left leg in, You put your right leg in', and then realised he was reading from the instructions that came with his trousers."

"We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well."

"Musical accompaniment at the piano will be provided by Colin Sell. These days, we only really know Colin for his work at the piano, but as a young lad he cut his teeth on the harmonica... until his teacher explained that he wasn't supposed to chew it."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool."

"Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police."

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!"

"But, I hear you ask, what possible use could there be for a dummy with two left hands? [significant pause] On the piano, Colin Sell!

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"."

Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to learn that Colin once worked with The Carpenters at the Royal Albert Hall... [audience laughter] ...I have got punchlines, please let me... And they haven't been able to shut the front door since!"

Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin was once invited to produce albums for The Smiths in Manchester, before being headhunted by the Snappy Snaps in Wigan."

Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'"

Jack Dee: "Listeners will be interested to hear that Colin recently picked up a Grammy, but she started to scream so he had to put her down again."

Letters from Mrs Trellis

"Dear Dr. Clare, So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene."

"Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales"

"Dear Ned, I'm on the train!

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis"

"Dear Mr. Rees, I understand you're looking for suggestions for your 'Quote, Unquote' programme. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis"

"Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips.

Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis. P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin."

"Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'?

"Dear Rolf, Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher."

"Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President.

Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis"

A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing.

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess. You must be kicking yourself."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter."

Jack Dee: "Dear Ms. Toksvig: Here's one of my favourite cuttings, it's four miles of double-track just north of Crewe. Yours Truly, Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. Cameron: I saw you on the telly alongside your new chum Nick. So that's what they mean by conservative with a little 'c'. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Mrs. Clinton: I bet you get a card from your husband every year! Yours, Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address."

Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Woman's Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?"

Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis."

Jack Dee: "Dear Guinness Book of World Records: I have a collection of six Guinness Book of World Records. Is this the Guinness Book of World Records record for Guinness Book of World Records? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis."

Intros

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"Leeds galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value, remnants from a bye-gone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest team in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players."

"Despite this only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular use: kilt, haggis, and Partick Thistle nil."

"The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way."

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"Lewis Carroll started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking."

Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away."

Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcelona... or Crawley... or have never left their own house."

"What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow. So listen up, rest of the world. Tomorrow, it's going to drizzle."

End Lines

"Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake."

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..."

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..."

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..."

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..."

"As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the Crunchy Fruit and Nut muesli of destiny..."

"As the rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity..."

"As the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate..."

"As the red red robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snow plough of destiny, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation..."

"As the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate..."

"As the wee-willy-winky of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity..."

"As the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate attempts to mount the bagpipes of eternity..."

"As the little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast..."

"As the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny, and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity..."

"As the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger dentifix..."

"As the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera..."

"As the hunter of time blasts the moose of destiny, and as the dairy counter worker of fate grabs the mop of destiny..."

Jack Dee: "As the Little Jack Horner of fate pulls out his plums of doom, before the school matron of destiny says 'Cough'..."

Jack Dee: "As the Toyota of time crashes through the showroom of destiny, and the car dealership of eternity spots the flaw in their faulty brake recall programme..."

Jack Dee: "As the electric drill of time bores into the plaster of destiny, and the howl of agony erupts from the patient with a broken leg..."

Jack Dee: "As the rabbit of time is chased by the Labrador of fate, and the David Blunkett of destiny is dragged screaming round Walthamstow dog track..."

Jack Dee: "As the impressionist of time is hung in the art gallery of destiny, and the visitors agree that lynching seems reasonable for anyone who does Frank Spencer impressions..."

Other lines

"Lionel Blair & Christopher Biggins recently appeared on Stars in Their Eyes, where Lionel singing Maggie May came second to his old teammate. Biggins said that Lionel's Rod was outstanding but he easily had it licked..."

"The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift."

[Lyttelton discusses the "eleven jokes in the world"; i.e., the 11 types of humour.]

"They are: farce, slapstick, wordplay, exaggeration, comic metaphor, inappropriate response, repetition, irony, mimicry, satire and black humour. Hmm... doesn't mention filth."

"Welcome to ISIHAC where fun and laughter get on like a mouse on fire."

"Well, it's time to meet the teams and I can honestly say you couldn't ask for four better comedians. So that's answered your next question."

"The city (Leeds) has connections with many famous people. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett and Barry Cryer. Wait a minute, there's a bit here I didn't read. Well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett, and Barry Cryer used to know his milkman."

"If at any point I disapprove strongly you'll hear this (*blows horn*), unless I give Samantha a go, in which case you'll hear this (*lady screams*)."

"This round is all about the ancient art of communication. In ancient Egypt, they wrote unintelligible scribbles on walls and worshipped cats. Oh no, hang on, that's Facebook."

"This week we can promise you a nail-biting contest... followed by a nose-picking contest."

"Some experts believe that it might take its title from a town in Ireland, which is generally associated with meaningless nonsense. Ballykissangel."

"Oh wait a minute, I've goofed. It says on my thing here, you all keep going until it stops being funny."

"We call the next game Word for Word; it's a word game."

(After Jeremy Hardy has sung in a round of Pick up Song) "That wasn't even the same track. That went off very well. Let's move on. Something wrong there. Oh hang on. That went off. Very well, let's move on."

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