Announcer: Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.
Announcer: And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]
Narrator: The year was 1489. The Black Plague ravaged the continent, it was the hour of the infamous, Auto de fé where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers would be tortured in a carnival like atmosphere; and it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgment over good and evil. The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.
Chief Monk: All pay heed, now enters his holiness, Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.
Chief Monk: Torquemada, do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada, do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada, do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada (talk him outta) anything!
Torquemada: Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept the true church, convert now, or forever burn in hell! For now begins the Inquisition!
Jew: I was sitting in a temple,/ I was minding my own business,/ I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass./ Then these Papist persons plunge in/ and they throw me in a dungeon/ and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass!/ Is that considerate?/ Is that polite?/ And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
Jew 2: I was sittin' flickin' chickens/ An' I was lookin' through the pickin's/ When suddenly these goys break down my walls/ I didn't even know them/ But they grab me by the scrotum/ And they started playin' Ping Pong with my balls/ Oy, the agony/ Ooh, the shame/ To have my privates be made public for a game!
Monk: Who knows, Torque- you might win a buck!
Monks: Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
Torquemada: I just got back from the Auto de fé!
Monks: Auto de fé? What's an Auto de fé?
Torquemada: It's what you oughtn't to do, but you do anyway.
Torquemada: It's better to loose your skullcap than your skull.
Jewish Prisoners: Oy! Oy! Gavolt!
Torquemada: How we doin', any converts today?
Guards: Not a one, nay nay nay.
Torquemada: We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!
Everybody: [singing] The Inquisition, what a show!/ The Inquisition, here we go!/ We know you're wishin', that we go away!/ So come on you Muslims and you Jews,/ We've got big news for all of youse!/ You better change your point of view today!/ 'Cause the Inquisition is here/ and here...to... stay!