Hey Duggee: Curses

(Opening shot: the city skyline during the day.)

Narrator: The city of Townsville! Where there’s always something cooking.

(Quick pan to the kitchen of the Squirrels’ house. Dirty pots and pans are stacked everywhere, and we can hear other dishes being shuffled o.c. A small TV sits in the foreground, next to the sink with its screen turned away from the camera, and a female voice is heard—the host of a cooking show, sounding a bit like Julia Child.)

Host: All right, it’s almost time to put that turkey in the oven.

(Duggee hustles across the screen—he is the source of the clatter and mess, and he has put on an apron and rolled up his sleeves. A large turkey rests on a platter in his hands. The next several lines overlap.)

Duggee: Turkey in the oven.

Host: Next we’ll tackle the vegetable stuffing. Now take your veggies and—

Duggee: (hustling across) Right, veggies…Hold on! (More rattling of utensils.)

Host: —julienne them like so. Not very difficult. Now mix them in with the tomato coulis we prepared earlier.

(On the end of this, he crosses the kitchen again, this time with an armload of vegetables in tow. The distinct sound of creaking metal from the oven’s general direction combines with his next words to obscure the start of the host’s next sentence.)

Duggee: (now o.c.) We prepared that earlier? (He backs into view.)

Host: —and stuff it into the turkey.

Duggee: (puzzled) The turkey? But it’s in the oven already.

Host: See how easy it goes in? Everything should be running just smooth as silk.

(Of course, it is not. There is an o.c. explosion—the oven just gave up the ghost—that obscures her next few words.)

Duggee: Oh, dear!

Host: Make sure you don’t set that temperature too high, or you’ll be putting out a three-alarm fire. All right, now sit yourself down and enjoy a nice cold beverage—

(During the previous line, Duggee runs o.c. away from the oven, then back toward it with a fire extinguisher. White clouds of carbon dioxide vapor drift back into view as he uses the thing. Cut to outside the kitchen door; smoke billows into the hallway as his panicked shriek rings out. Pan/tilt up to the door of the Squirrels’ bedroom, then cut to inside. Betty and Roly float up into view, with a building block in hand aimed for the top of a tower.)

Betty: Hey, somebody go down and see if dinner’s ready. I’m hungry. (She places the block; cut to Norrie, on the bed reading.)

Norrie: I’m busy. You go.

Roly: No, you go!

Norrie: No, you!

Betty, Roly: You!

Norrie: You!

Betty, Roly: You!

Norrie: You!

Betty: Fine. (adding another block) Tag, Happy, you go.

(Tag and Happy are lying on the floor and working intently on a coloring book.)

Happy: We can’t.

Tag: I’m in the zone!

Betty: Okay, then. (tossing another block away) Let’s rock-scissor-paper for it.

(Close-up of a point between the Squirrels. Each reaches one hand into view and shakes it during the count of the next line, as you might do when playing this game.)

Squirrels: (from o.c.) Ready? 1, 2, 3!

Norrie: (from o.c.) Scissors beats paper!

Betty, Roly: (from o.c.) Ha-ha. You lose, boys. (Shift to frame all five.) Now go see what’s for dinner.

Happy: We always lose at this game!

(Back to the kitchen. A pot of something is boiling on the stove. During the next line, Duggee runs across with another armload of vegetables.)

Host: All right, let’s turn up the heat, shall we?

Duggee: (from o.c.) No, please! (A great commotion; the veggies fly back into view, and he returns to the stove.)

Host: It’s time to check that sauce.

Duggee: Sauce. Right.

(He shoots out one hand and grabs the pot’s handle. The sizzle of flesh on metal does not immediately register in his brain—but after a second his eyes bug out and he sinks his teeth into his lower lip to stifle a scream. Everything he ever learned about heat transfer has just come back to him in one agonizing instant. Finally he pulls free and regards his steaming appendage.)

Duggee: Mother of all FUCKERS !

(Cut to the boiling kettle on the stove. Pull back to frame the unfortunate man, sucking frantically at his scalded fingers—and Tag and Happy, floating unnoticed behind him with Vip Easy Touch phones in their hands. Their faces betray their complete shock at what they have just overheard.)

(Back to the bedroom. As Norrie continues reading and Betty and Roly wait impatiently with another block in hand, Tag and Happy float along the balcony to the doorway. Their expressions have not changed.)

Betty: Hey, guys. What’s for dinner?

Norrie: Hey, guys...guys?

(They float across the room, paying no heed, and stops near Betty and Roly and the tower of blocks.)

Roly: Hel-lo? Earth to you two! Dinner?

(Cut to the coloring book on the floor. Vip Easy Touch phones hang into view from above, still held by Tag and Happy.)

Betty: (from o.c.) Guys? Guys! (Vip Easy Touch phones are dropped.) Oh, we give up.

(Tag and Happy descend into view and pick up a crayon to start in on their coloring again. They seem rather distracted, however, and the crayons break in their hands. Cut to Norrie, Betty, Roly; Tag and Happy rise from the ground.)

Tag: (suddenly angry) Stupid FUCKING crayons!

(This outburst has drawn the attention of the other three in a hurry.)

Happy: That was our favorite colors!

(Now they settle happily down to their work as other three approach during the next line.)

Tag: Well, I guess my unicorn will have to be pink.

Betty: What was that you said?

Norrie: Where did you learn that word?

Happy: Duggee. I think it’s pretty.

Roly: Yeah. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds cool.

Norrie: It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s gotta be an adjective. That’s used to lend emphasis to words. Like “great” or “fantastic.” (Cut to the Squirrels; she continues o.c.) I’m guessing it can be used for good and bad things.

(Tag, Happy, Betty and Roly smile at each other; back to Norrie.)

Norrie: Like, you can say “great,” “super-great,” or ”FUCKING great.” (More yowling from outside, mixed with a dog barking.)

Happy: Kitty?

Betty, Roly: FUCKIN' Cool!

Tag, Happy, Betty, Roly: HELL, that makes sense.

Norrie: HELL, trust me. I know what I’m FUCKIN' talking about.

Tag, Happy: We FUCKING love it!

Betty, Roly: We wanna FUCKING try it! Hey, we FUCKING did it!

(In an instant, they are circling the ceiling light fixture.)

Squirrels: We love FUCK ! It’s such a great word! We love SHIT ! It’s such a great word! (jumping on bed) We love ASS ! We love BITCH !

(They collapse on the mattress in a giggling heap. Fade to black.)

(Fade in to the exterior of OŠ Eugen Kvaternik during the day.)

Mato Matijević: (from inside) Okay, children. Before you go to recess, I want to hand back those quizzes you took yesterday.

(Inside, he passes the Squirrels’ desk and lays a paper in front of each as he goes. L to R: Norrie, Tag, Happy, Betty, Roly. Cut to just behind Norrie’s head and pan left to show all 5 papers. She has an A+, Tag, Happy and Betty a B, Roly an F.)

Mato Matijević: (from o.c.) I was pleased with the results—for the most part. (Close-up of each in turn.)

Norrie: (happily) Oh—

Tag, Happy, Betty: (ditto) Oh—

Roly: (disgustedly) Aw—

Squirrels: —SHIT !

(Everyone else is caught flat-footed by these words; Kaja Gračanin Štern is first to speak up.)

Kaja Gračanin Štern: (laughing) They said SHIT !

(Mato Matijević gasps and faints. Snap to black.)

Norrie: (voice over) Mato Matijević?

(A horizontal crack splits the blank field and widens as if an eye were being opened—this is the teacher’s perspective as he regains consciousness. The view, of the worried Squirrels, starts out a bit fuzzy but soon comes into focus.)

Norrie: Mato Matijević, are you okay?

(Cut to just behind them, the camera pointing straight at Mato Matijević’s face. It takes her a moment to get himself entirely composed, and his first action is to point angrily o.c.)

Mato Matijević: Corner! (Pull back; he sits up, and the Squirrels float slowly that way.)

Norrie: What did we do?

Mato Matijević: You know very well what you did. (smiling) The rest of you can go to recess.

(Cheering kids rush past him. The Squirrels, meanwhile, are in the aforementioned corner.)

Tag: But, Mato Matijević, what did we do?

Mato Matijević: Zip it! (They do so and turn their faces to the wall. Pause.)

Happy: (to the Squirrels) So this is what a time-out is like.

Roly: Ah, you get used to it.

Norrie: (suddenly worried) I wonder if this will go on my permanent record! (The hotline starts to buzz.) It’s the hotline!

Happy: But we’re in time-out, and Mato Matijević says we have to stay here and think about what we’ve done. I don’t know what that is, but—

Betty: (flying o.c.) Oh, I’ll get it. (Cut to her at the phone; she answers.) Hello, Leo Vain?…An emergency?…We’ll be right there. (hanging up) It’s go time, Squirrels!

(The exterior of the building; they take off through the roof.)

Tag: What about time-out? (Just inside the closed door of the Leo Vain’s office; they open it.)

Norrie: What’s up, Leo Vain? (They approach him at his desk.) What’s the crisis? Another monster on the loose? Vesna Vrandecic? Robert Funcic?

Leo Vain: Squirrels, it’s a crisis of epic proportions. (Cut to them; he continues o.c.) It’s lunchtime and I can’t open my pickle jar!

(He holds it up on the end of this line, then starts to shake it back and forth. The Squirrels are irked.)

Leo Vain: (from o.c.) Can you open it for me, please? (Cut to him; a sandwich on a plate and a glass of milk are set before him.) I mean, what’s a PB-and-J without a pickle, I tell you?

Betty: (grabbing jar) The pickle jar, Leo? The pickle jar? I can’t believe you called us here for this! I can’t FUCKIN' believe this!

Roly: (grabbing Leo's phone) You're such a FUCKING IDIOT !

Norrie: (grabbing milk) You’re such a FUCKING baby!

Tag: (grabbing Leo's laptop) You're atill a FUCKING BITCH !

Happy: (grabbing sandwich, plate) You’re not FUCKING nice, MOTHERFUCKER !

(Cut to behind the Squirrels. The remains of Leo Vain’s lunch are splattered across his desk.)

Norrie: What do you have to FUCKIN' say for yourself, BITCH ?

Leo Vain: (from under desk) Oh, my. (He reaches up and turns on the intercom.) MOTHERFUCKERS, could you step in here a moment, please?

(Wipe to the Squirrels in flight, with healthy dollops of foam around their mouths—the trusty assistant washed them out with soap. After a moment, they wipe the residue away.)

Norrie: Blech!

Happy: That was yucky!

Roly: Yeah, what’s with all the SHITTY soap in the mouth?

(An alarm brings them up short, and they zip down toward it. Cut to the source of the clangor: a bank that is being robbed by 2 men. One is fat, the other thin, and both are masked and armed. The thin one has his gun on a teller and is holding a sack. A customer stands behind him.)

Thin robber: Fork it over, cupcake—or else! (A crash marks the Squirrels’ arrival; the teller and customer smile.)

Norrie: (from o.c.) Or else what?

(Cut to them, near the front entrance. A security guard sleeps in a nearby chair.)

Norrie: It’s not FUCKING nice to pick on the FUCKING citizens of Townsville!

Fat robber: (stunned, to thin one) Dude! Did she say what I think she said?

Norrie: (to thin one) You’re a FUCKING man!

(Cut to a group of 3 other customers, man, woman, and boy, who are looking on. The 2 adults are flabbergasted, but the boy is smiling at the proceedings; however, the man promptly leans over and sticks his fingers in the youth’s ears. The latter is not happy about this. Tag, Happy, Betty and Roly start belting the fat robber back and forth.)

Betty: That’ll teach you, FUCKING meanie!

Roly: Eat my ASS !

Tag, Happy: Yeah, you BITCH !

(Close-up of the teller, who now looks as if she wants to remove her ears and soak them in straight Lysol overnight.)

Norrie: (from o.c.) Leave these FUCKING nice people alone!

(A small sign marked OPEN sits in front of her window, but she turns it around to say CLOSED and ducks out of sight. She has just gone off duty. Cut to another group, all horrified: a woman with her hands over her baby’s ears, and an elderly man.)

Betty, Roly: (from o.c.) You want another FUCKING one?

(Cut to the Squirrels, who are looking up at the source of a growing shadow on the floor. The robbers drop into view and crash senseless to the floor.)

Norrie: That’ll teach you!

(Cut to outside the bank entrance. 2 cops stand by their cruiser, with cups of coffee in hand, and the Squirrels address them. One is thin, the other fat. A construction worker is poised over his jackhammer in the fore.)

Norrie: Hello, FUCKIN' officers. The FUCKING crooks are inside. (as the Squirrels take off) Have a SHITTY nice day.

Jax Jones: (tipping his hat) You have a SHITTY nice day too.

(Cut to an old woman at a busy intersection. She begins to cross the street against a “don’t walk” signal and steps into the path of an oncoming truck. As the driver leans on his horn, the Squirrels whisk her away and set her down safely on the sidewalk.)

Norrie: There you go, ma’am.

Betty: Boy, you need to look out. That SHITTY truck almost ran you over.

(The old woman shudders at what she has just heard and swings her purse into Betty’s face.)

Roly: Hey! (The woman chases the Squirrels, waving her cane.)

Old woman: Why, you fresh little whippersnappers!

(Cut to Tag and Happy, up near a tree’s topmost branches. They have rescued a cat from its acrophobic perch and is carrying it down to ground level. Tilt down to follow her; we are in South Park kids’ backyard, and they are waiting eagerly for their pet they hand the animal over.)

Happy: Now remember, when you take your kitty outside, be sure to keep him on a FUCKING leash.

(The South Park kids start crying at the end of this bit of advice; Tag and Happy join the other Squirrels in midair.)

Roly: What was everybody so mad about?

Norrie: I don’t know. Everybody is acting so weird. (Loud, incoherent cursing from o.c.)

Happy: Do you hear that?

(Building level. Extreme close-up of the source of this yelling as it stalks across the screen and panicked screams rise from below. It is a gigantic toilet, with eyes near the flush handle and its seat cover partially open for a mouth. Sharp teeth ring the seat and cover. Back to the Squirrels.)

Tag: Holy FUCKING SHIT !

Happy: Somebody’s using our new word!

(Back to the rampaging monster, the camera pulled back a distance. Now we see that the toilet is only its head; the body is reptilian and colored in light shades of blue.)

Narrator: Looks like the Squirrels aren’t the only ones in town using colorful language. (On the end of this, pull back to frame them.)

Norrie: Let’s go, Squirrels! (They charge.)

Monster: (stopping) Huh?

Norrie: Hey, you! Mr. Monster! (Grumbling response.) Where did you learn that word?

(The creature goes into an extended explanation, in like manner to its previous profanities. It seems to make sense to the Squirrels, though.)

Norrie: Interesting. I, uh, don’t know what some of those other words mean.

Betty: But they make you sound FUCKING tough!

(Cut to a street corner. As the monster curses a blue streak in the background and people run everywhere, a nun stands in the foreground and prays. From this vantage point, the monster’s tail is visible—a roll of toilet paper attached to the hindquarters, with a long streamer of the stuff dangling free. Pan from the nun to 2 female hoodlums.)

Olivia Nervo: Hey! That’s some rough language! (Back to the Squirrels.)

Tag: Connect FUCK to KING word and it becomes FUCKING .

(Alisa Ueno, an tattoo parless, where a fellow is having some ink done. The unintelligible swearing is clearly audible even from in here, so much so that the artist stops his work and both men take notice.)

Alisa Ueno: That sure is naughty. (The Squirrels again.)

Norrie: It can also be used as a verb.

Betty: Yeah, like FUCKO .

(Down in the street, Sophie Hawley-Weld and Tucker Halpern, the 2 bikers, are ready to put it in gear.)

Sophie Hawley-Weld: What are you waiting for? Come on!

Tucker Halpern: Let’s roll. I can’t take it no more. (They peel out. Back to the Squirrels.)

Norrie: (addressing herself o.c.) No. She wasn’t telling you to FUCK !

(The monster disagrees vociferously—this is an argument with him. In a basketball court, an Benjamin Ruttner and James Patterson, Jr. III clutch the bars.)

Benjamin Ruttner, James Patterson, Jr. III: Make it stop! Our delicate ears can’t take it no more! (The Squirrels.)

Roly: And what if I did FUCKING mean it?

Happy: Now you’re just being FUCKING rude! (The monster shouts at them, shaking a fist.)

Betty: Well, we’re gonna BITCH !

Roly: CRAP !

Norrie: FUCK !

Tag: SHIT !

Happy: BULLSHIT !

(Cut to a slow pan across a group of totally speechless observers—all they can do is gasp in horror as the inaudible cursing continues—then to the Squirrels and the monster. Pull back on this shot to frame more of the street, which is clogged with cars that are the source of the honking. Duggee is stuck in the traffic jam.)

Duggee: Oh, what the heck is the holdup? I’m never gonna make my 3:00 manicure. (sighing, leaning forward) What’s going on?

(He smiles at the sight of the Squirrels confronting the monster.)

Duggee: Oh! It’s the Squirrels! (getting out) Always doing good deeds and being model citizens. Oh, I’m so proud. I am so proud! (Punches start to land o.c.)

Norrie: (from o.c.) Take that, you FUCKING monster!

Betty, Roly: (from o.c.) Eat our FUCKING fists!

Tag, Happy: (from o.c.) We're gonna teach you a SHITTY lesson!

Norrie: (from o.c.) You FUCKO want another FUCKING taste of FUCKING me, BITCH ?

(Throughout the previous 4 lines, Duggee’s quiet pride in his Squirrels gives way to shock and utter mortification. Cut to the Squirrels and the monster; it shouts a few more unprintable things at them. Duggee, meanwhile, has got himself back under control, and he is not happy.)

Duggee: NORRIE!! BETTY!! ROLY!! TAG!! HAPPY!! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!

(Back to the Squirrels on the end of this line. They are spoiling for more action, but this summons snaps them out of it.)

Squirrels: Duggee?

Norrie: Could you excuse us for just a second, Mr. Monster, sir?

(A grumbled reply, and they zip down. The creature stomps off to raise more of a ruckus.)

Norrie: What’s going on, Duggee?

Roly: We’re a little busy.

Duggee: I am very angry with all five of you. (A crowd starts to gather behind him.)

Squirrels: What for?

Duggee: That word you’re using is not a good word. It’s naughty. (The Squirrels get confused.)

Norrie: What word?

Happy: We used a lot of words today. (Duggee starts to believe that the Squirrels are playing dumb.)

Duggee: You know—that one you keep using over and over. (tapping his head) Think real hard.

Betty, Roly: “The”?

Tag, Happy: “You”?

Norrie: We used both of those a lot.

Duggee: No, not those. Those are great. It’s that other one.

Norrie: “Bad”? That’s not good. Is that it?

Duggee: (clapping hands to head) No, that new one.

Happy: Ohhh! You mean FUCKERS ! I learned that from you, Duggee. (Cut to the now-angry crowd; she continues o.c.) You’re always teaching us new stuff. (Back to the family.)

Duggee: (chuckling nervously, glancing toward crowd) Oh, well, that can’t be right. (hustling Squirrels o.c.) Uh, let’s go over here and figure out where you really learned that word. Must be cable. (poking head into view) We just got cable.

(He approaches the Squirrels, who are now gathered by a stopped car, and forces a cheery tone into his voice—even though he knows exactly what started all the sailor talk.)

Duggee: (over shoulder) We’ll get to the bottom of this. (kneeling, sotto voce) Now, Squirrels, I need to explain something to you. I should never have used that word. It’s very bad, and I’m very sorry. It’s not the kind of language you Squirrels should ever use. (loudly, over shoulder) Uh, I don’t know where you heard it, but it’s a naughty, naughty word!

(The crowd is nonplussed; he lowers his voice and turns back to the Squirrels.)

Duggee: What that word really means is…

(As he starts to whisper, cupping a hand to his mouth, they float in closer to hear more clearly. After a moment, their eyes go so wide that they look as if they might pop from the sockets.)

Squirrels: (totally horrified) No! (Duggee stands.)

Tag: Oh, no! I’m a potty-mouth! (The monster starts to curse and rampage o.c. again.)

Betty: We have some unfinished business, Squirrels! (It is sitting on a building, grumbling and holding out one hand as if to say, “Bring it on, jerks.”)

Norrie: We need to teach that potty-mouth a lesson!

(The Squirrels charge. Parked on the street is a big rig bearing the logo of the Super Sudsy Soap Co. This is hoisted away by Tag, Happy, Betty and Roly. Norrie rushes in and lands a blow to the monster’s midsection, causing it to let off a fresh string of foul language. The Squirrels stuff the truck into the open mouth, after which it swirls down the spout as the toilet is flushed. Pink suds start to bubble over the sides of the bowl, and the creature—now looking rather ill—lets off a belch.)

Norrie: That should be a lesson to you, Mr. Monster, that certain words are inappropriate.

Happy: Especially for nice Squirrels like us.

Norrie: (pointing o.c.) Now, you get a time-out to think about what you’ve done.

(Cut to an unoccupied patch of land at an intersection. Two of its edges face the sidewalks, while the other four are formed by very tall buildings that stand nearby. The monster clumps into view, its back partially turned to the camera, and stands facing this “corner.”)

Norrie: (from o.c.) When you realize your mistake, you can come back and we’ll discuss a proper punishment. (It grumbles halfheartedly over its shoulder. Back to the Squirrels.) Less talking, more FUCKING thinking!