Henry Beard

Henry Nichols Beard (born June 7, 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.

Quotes

• Perennial: Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
  • Gardening: A Gardener's Dictionary (1982)

Latin for All Occasions (1990)

Latin for All Occasions, 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.

• Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
  If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

• Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades.
  If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.

• Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

• Anates tuas in acie instrue.
  Get your ducks in a row.

• Lege atque lacrima.
  Read-em and weep.

• Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
  I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

• Canis meus id comedit.
  My dog ate it.

• Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum.
  I can't get no satisfaction.

• Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
  May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

• Quantum illae stolae pependisti?
  You paid how much for that dress?

• Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
  • An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.

Hidden Latin Insults

• Podex perfectus es.
  Claim it means: You did a terrific job.
  What it really means: You are a total asshole.

• Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
  Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought.
  What it really means: You have shit for brains.

• Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.
  Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you.
  What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Phony ailments

• Taedium pellucidorum.
  An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.

See also

• Harvard Lampoon
• Latin proverbs#Mock Latin