Funny People

2009 film by Judd Apatow

Funny People is a 2009 American black comedy film in which when seasoned comedian George Simmons learns of his terminal, inoperable health condition, his desire to form a genuine friendship causes him to take a relatively green performer under his wing as his opening act.

Directed and written by Judd Apatow.
George Simmons was prepared to die, but then a funny thing happened.

George Simmons

  • Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?
  • Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?

Leo Koenig

  • You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?


  • James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!


Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a scary accent?
Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George: And I enjoy all of your movies.
Pieter Vanhecke: Matthias is een platte gast.
Dr. Lars: [surprised] Which movies?
George: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.

George: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judasim.
Ira: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

Mark: When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?
Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Clarke: So, you're going to kill Cameron Diaz, eh? That girl is a menace to society, isn't she? Fuck her!
[laughs, then looks at Laura]
Clarke: What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?
Laura: George.
Clarke: [points at George] This George?
George: Look out.
Laura: Yeah.
Clarke: Oh, well. Then I just want Cameron dead. Over her dead body.

Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner!
Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.

Laura: No cussing in your standup.
George: That takes out half of my act.

Leo: If you put "cue kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're going to get 1,000,000 hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.
Ira: Why don't you call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.


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