Fast and Loose

Fast and Loose is a British improvised sketch show aired by the BBC in 2011. It is currently in its first season.

Season 1

14 January 2011 [1.01]

Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh the most fascinating fact they know about one of their co-performers

Justin Edwards: Well, I'm 6 foot 5, Humphrey is 6 foot 6, and Greg is a pervert.

Marek Larwood: Greg's name is spelt exactly the same forwards as it is backwards.

DVD

In which participants have to tell Hugh the DVD they would hate to receive as a gift

Humphrey Ker: Well Hugh, I love music so the DVD I would hate to receive is Jamie Oliver lisps the hits of Fleetwood Mac.

Greg Davies: I actually made a terrible mistake last Christmas and accidentally bought my mum a porn remake of a classic. She didn't like "Forest Gimp". "Life is like a box of butt-plugs. It hurts"...That's not going to get in.

Hugh Dennis: Depends how sharp the butt-plug is.

Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of

Justin Edwards: Hey, haven't I seen you before somewhere? Oh no, that was a different ugly woman.

Laura Solon: Oh my God! I used to have that exact same t-shirt when I was a man!

Pippa Evans: Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Because I can make it happen!

Greg Davies: Yeah, I really like bald girls.

Humphrey Ker: Hey baby, I'm strong and sensitive. [Cries] And you're not even listening to me!

Marek Larwood: Urm...I have just swallowed an abacus. Because it's what's on the inside that counts.

Right Way, Wrong Way

In which Greg and Pippa demonstrate the right way to propose, while Laura and Justin show the wrong way.

Hugh Dennis: Right, will Justin and Laura shows us the wrong way to arrive at the location.

Justin Edwards: I'll have two cheeseburgers, two onion rings, and two onion rings. [Turns to Laura] Do you want anything?

Hugh Dennis: Right, now can you both show us the wrong way to do the actual proposal.

[Justin stands up, rubs his crotch, scratches his bottom and then smells his hand]

Laura Solon: Sorry, I was very drunk when we slept together and I can't remember your name.

Hugh Dennis: And now Justin and Laura are going to show us how not to set the seal on an already disastrous evening.

Justin Edwards: What do you mean: "no"? How many offers are you going to get?

Laura Solon: Well firstly it's going to be awkward because I've slept with both of your parents.

Justin Edwards: [Shrugs] So have I.

21 January 2011 [1.02]

Hugh Dennis Facts

Participants have to say the most interesting facts they know about Hugh.

Humphrey Ker: Hugh Dennis was abandoned in Windsor Great Park as a child, and raised by swans!

Wayne Brady: When the dark times comes and hall humanity is forced to flee to the stars, we will all gather in Hugh Dennis and take off for Mars.

Hugh Dennis: I've certainly got a very powerful arse.

Jess Ransom: Hugh never turns down an opportunity to tap dance.

Hugh Dennis: I'm afraid you got that one from wikipedia.

What Tattoo

Participants tell where they would get a tattoo, and what it would say.

Wayne Brady: I would get a tattoo on my left thigh saying "Welcome to London Zoo", and on my right thigh a sign with an arrow saying "Snake Exhibit.

Hugh Dennis: I see where you're coming from...

Pretentious Party

In which Hugh plays some music, and when the music stops the participants have to say the most pretentious line they can think of.

Justin Edwards: Yeah, in my spare time I like to translate Will Self's work into Sanskrit.

Laura Solon: Bono: Singer, saint, but is he also art?

Jonathan Mangum: My package is so big you never have to ship it overnight because it's already there.

Wayne Brady: I'm so pretentious Kayne West called me and said "Wayne, stop being so pretentious".

Humphrey Ker: For me parmezan, isn't a hard cheese, it's a way of life.

Jess Ransom: Rayon de Soleil. Oh sorry, did I say that in French?

4 February 2011 [1.04]

Show Reels

Participants have to say the most disastrous thing that could be sent out on television.

Jonathan Mangum: [Forest Gump accent] Mom always said life was like a box of chocolates: sometimes you get nuts in your mouth.

Justin Edwards: Bang, and my wife was gone.

Pippa Evans: And next on Blue Peter, I'll be showing you how you can use this cling-film to make a sure-fire contraceptive.

Jonathan Mangum: And welcome back to the organ shopping network, next up: livers! [giggles]

Waybe Brady: Next up, Stephen Hawking on "Dancing With The Stars".

Jonathan Mangum: And welcome back to Dave's Pizza and Funeral Parlour. Just because your grandma's stiff doesn't mean your crust has to be.

Rumours

In which participants have to say the most amazing rumour they've heard about Hugh Dennis

David Reed: I've heard that an anagram of your name can tell you how you're going to die. It's true. Hugh Dennis is an anagram of..."Hung In Shed".

Hugh Dennis: That's actually how my father died.

Justin Edwards: Well I've heard that Hugh Dennis isn't really your last name, and it's actually "Giddiot".

Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh the most fascinating fact they know

Ruth Bratt: There are nine million bisexuals in Beijing.

Wayne Brady: Cats do not like being placed in microwave ovens.

Justin Edwards: It's a little known fact that if you remove Chris Moyle's lower intestine, I will buy you a car.

Early TV

In which participants revisit "The Jerry Springer Show" as it would have been.

Hugh Dennis: [As "Gerald Springer"] How old is your son?

Pippa Evans: [As mother] He's nineteen ye-

Justin Edwards: [As father] Don't talk!

Justin Edwards: I'm a simple man: I write a penny farthing, I have syphilis and I beat my wife.

Hugh Dennis: [As "Gerald Springer"] Lets introduce the girl. Welcome! So, did Joey chose you himself?

Ruth Bratt: [As girl] Of course not.

Pippa Evans: [As mother] We won her in a Tombola.

Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of

David Reed: I like my women like I like my starbucks, weak with an unwieldy cup-size.

Jonathan Mangum: Hey, does this rag smell of chloroform to you?

Ruth Bratt: [shouting] I just want babies!

Wayne Brady: Hey girl, you must be an angel, did you fall out of heaven? Is my dad up there?

Pippa Evans: Is that a ladder in your tights or a varicose vein?

Justin Edwards: Mmmmm, you're as pretty as a picture. Unfortunately, it's a picture of some shit.

11 February 2011 [1.05]

Favourite Words

Justin Edwards: My favourite world is "aquittal."

Greg Davies: Well, Hugh, I come from a wealthy family so my favourite word is "bereavement."

Pick-Up Lines

Justin Edwards: I'm actually a body-builder. I built this one out of Turkish Delight and chips.

Humphrey Ker: I'm looking for someone who loves dogs. And I mean really loves dogs.

Greg Davies: I didn't really want to come out tonight, to be honest, but Tony said it was a good idea. [Looks down to his crotch] Didn't you Tony?

Laura Solon: I'm just looking for a real man; because I find sex with wooden ones gives me splinters.

Pippa Evans: Describe myself in three words? Okay. Violent, insecure and barren.

Marek Larwood: Well I'm looking for a mermaid, or someone who can cope with a consistent bed-wetter.

Justin Edwards: With me, what you see is what you get. You can read me like a book; and that book is "Mein Kampf".

Humphrey Ker: What animal would I say I was? Well, probably an elephant: thick skinned, has a good memory, and giant, grey, testicles.

Greg Davies: Yes, the ladies call me the donkey. Not that it does many good these days, you have to hit it with nettles to get anything out of it.

Laura Solon: I want a husband, but I don't want kids, right, because childbirth is pretty much impossible. I did some experiments at my house this morning, and basically, anything bigger than a My Little Pony gets jammed.

Greg Davies: I'm very romantic. I once bought a lady a rose. I say "bought", I stole it... I say "rose", it was a dead swan.

Marek Larwood: Uh. Uh. [Hugh buzzes] Uh. [Hugh buzzes] Uh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uuuh! [Hugh buzzes] Uh!

Bad Names for a Restaurant

Justin Edwards: Fat Dick at Bray.

Humphrey Ker: Sloppy Seconds.

Pippa Evans: You kill it, I cook it.

Marek Larwood: Burget Twat.

Birthday Wishes

Greg Davies: It's the same wish every year, Hugh, and it's a simple one. I wish all the fighting would stop, and if there's time I wish I had a penis like a farmboy's arm holding a pumpkin.

Hugh Dennis: Would that not rot after a while?

Pretentious Party

In which Hugh plays some music, and when the music stops the participants have to say the most pretentious line they can think of.

Humphrey Ker: There's something really cathartically nihilistic about Bargain Hunt.

Laura Solon: What most people fail to realise is that Guantanamo Bay is actually a very interesting piece of site-specific installation of theatre.

Greg Davies: When I'm inside you, I am you.

Pippa Evans: For my son's nativity, I wrapped the baby in Parma Ham.

Justin Edwards: And then we made our own pesto from the after-birth.

18 February 2011 [1.06]

Audition Tapes

Most disastrous clip that could be sent out to get on television.

Justin Edwards: Welcome to topless darts. I'm Keith, lets get started.

Ruth Bratt: [In an increasingly irate voice] Good morning children. Or is a good morning? No. Will it ever be a good morning again? No. And you know why? Because men are essentially disappointing.

Humphrey Ker: [Posh accent] Hello, I'm Humphrey Ker and I'm auditioning for the role of Philip Mitchell. Do what, you slag? Come round my pub, I'll do you one real good.

Justin Edwards: My idea for a show is a bit "Loose Women", it's a bit "Cash in the Attic", it's a bit like "Hairy Bikers". I call it "Hairy Woman in my Attic".

Humphrey Ker: I'll be reading for the part of "Cheeky Hitler". [Camp German accent] You guys! Don't tell me you're having a bunker part without cheeky Hitler.

Justin Edwards: Had an accident at work? So have I, and that's why I wear adult nappies.

Facts

In which participants have to tell Hugh something he doesn't know

Justin Edwards: My PIN number is 4-7-3-nooooo!

Pippa Evans: I once drowned a man...

Humphrey Ker: Here's something you don't know, Hugh. You don't know how much it hurts when you ignore me when your wife is around!

David Reed: The drink will never stop the pain, Hugh.

Sexy Voice

Participants have to say the least-alluring thing they can in a sexy voice

Ruth Bratt: You've dropped bin juice, all down the stairs.

Pippa Evans: I've just had a dirty burger. With loads of chilli sauce, garlic sauce, and raw onion [breathes out in a sensual way].

Granny Used To Say

Participants have to share some wisdom that granny used to say

Ruth Bratt: My granny used to always say: "We didn't call it sex in those days, but I imagine that's what it was."

Justin Edwards: My grandmother used to say: "Turn on the oxygen you little sod".

Pippa Evans: My granny did actually once say to me: "Barbie and Ken are not allowed in the caravan until they are married."

Tom Parry: Why are you wearing my clothes?

Unsuccessful Chat-Up Lines

In which participants dance to music, and when the music stops say the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of.

Ruth Bratt: I've decided to settle. You will do.

Justin Edwards: Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like you've landed in some shit.

Pippa Evans: You look like Sophie Dahl, before she lost the weight.

Tom Parry: You know they say a lobster mates for life. Well, I've got crabs.

Humphrey Ker: Hey baby, was your father an angel? Because I want to have sex with you.

David Reed: Put your coat on love, because your dress is shit.

Granny Used To Say

Participants come up with a bad name for a pub.

Tom Parry: The Horse and Prince Charles

David Reed: The Baby's Arms

25 February 2011 [1.07]

Pick-Up Lines

Jusin Edwards: Hi, I'm quite sweet-natured and I'm really quite outgoing, by which I mean I've got diabetes and I'm homeless.

Greg Davies: I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly well, but if we do have children, you'll have to raise them as I'm not allowed to spend time with them.

Laura Solon: People that know tell me that, apparently, from the waist down, I look exactly like Princess Anne.

Jusin Edwards: I'm quite a sophisticated eater. (burps) You see, there's sea bass on that.

Laura Solon: My name is Katerina, but people that know me call me "that racist hooker with the STDs".

Greg Davies: Yes, don't be put off by the carrier bag. I always have that with me. Better that than you see the naked horror of the prolapse.

Laura Solon: I have only got one egg left, so don't fuck this up!

All About Me

In which participants have to describe Hugh in one line

Jusin Edwards: Brother of Les.

Greg Davies: Judging from your behaviour in my dressing room earlier, someone who doesn't understand the phrase "no means no"!

Pippa Evans: (loudly) Very, very depressing!

Marek Larwood: Um... I'd say you were nice in the lounge, but really nasty in the bedroom.

Autobiography

In which participants have to choose a title for their life story

Greg Davies: "Oh, there he is, look! It's Gregory. He's massive, isn't he? Are you having a nice time at school?" "No, I'm not at school any more, Uncle Dan. I'm 42!"

Marek Larwood: That Pig Does Not Go In There.