Cheers (season 4)

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Cheers (1982–1993) was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town.

Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]

Sam: Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

Woody: Hi ma'am.

Carla: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?

Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.

Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?

Norm: Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]

Frasier: Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.

Carla: It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

Frasier: I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.

Carla: For you, that's three flights up.

Sam: Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

[Woody is shy when a woman tries to pick him up]

Sam: Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.

Cliff: Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.

Carla: You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]

Cliff: Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.

Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.

Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.

Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.

Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?

Diane: Yes.

Sam: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.

Diane: Not entirely.

Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?

Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.

The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]

Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.

Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.

Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.

Carla: That's better.

Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.

Anthony: No, no, I love her.

Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.

Diane's Nightmare [4.5]

Carla: Diane, I heard screams.

Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.

Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Diane: No.

Carla: Was I helping in any way?

[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]

Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.

Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?

Sam: I think you heard me.

Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.

Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]

Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.

Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Cliff: Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.

Diane: Eight, I was premature.

Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]

Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.

Carla: What?

Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.

Carla: Let me see. Come on.

Sam: What's the magic word?

Carla: Gelding!

Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]

[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]

Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?

Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.

[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]

Sam, Diane, others: Carla!

Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]

Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?

Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla: You're weird... I like that.

Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]

[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]

Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.

Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.

Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.

Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.

Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.

Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.

Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?

From Beer to Eternity [4.9]

Sam: Bowling?

Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.

Sam: Carla...

Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.

Norm: All right. We're number one.

[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]

Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.

Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.

Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.

Carla: They seem to have given you courage.

The Bar Stoolie [4.10]

Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?

Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.

Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]

Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?

Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)

Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.

Cliff: What other possibility?

Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.

Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.

Carla: That's right.

Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.

Carla: Have it your way.

Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.

Woody: It's not?

Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]

[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]

Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?

Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?

Diane: That's you.

Sam: You're not gonna use my name?

Diane: Of course not.

Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?

Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.

Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?

Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.

Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?

Diane: Yes. How old were you?

Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?

Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?

Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.

[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]

Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?

Barry: Barry.

Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.

Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.

Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?

Fools and Their Money [4.12]

[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]

Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.

Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.

[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]

Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.

Diane: What's her name and how many months?

Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]

[Diane enters]

Diane: Hello, everyone.

[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]

Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?

Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.

Diane: Yeah. Thanks.

[Diane reenters]

Diane: Hello, everyone.

Everyone: Norm!

Diane: [pauses] That's better.

Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?

Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Suspicion [4.14]

[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]

Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?

Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.

Diane: Ah, the big bottle.

[The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]

Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?

Cliff: Ah, could be.

Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?

Diane: You're an idiot!

Sam: That would be four, then.

The Triangle [4.15]

Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.

Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.

Sam: Oh good, what?

Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do, give me his name.

Diane: Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.

Sam: How about sex?

Diane: Or sex.

Frasier: Oh, great. And I just bought three Italian suits.

Diane: Oh, shut up, Frasier!

Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]

Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...

Sam: Yourself.

Second Time Around [4.17]

Frasier: Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.

Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

Candi: What's your name?

Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.

Candi: I'm Candi.

Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".

Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.

Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

The Peterson Principle [4.18]

Norm: Mr. Reinhardt. Hi, sir. What a coincidence that you caught me in here. I was just using the washroom.

Mr. Reinhardt: At ease, Peterson. We know you spend a lot of time here. This is where we send your checks.

Norm: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Dark Imaginings [4.19]

Diane: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.

Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?

Carla: Not in your case, Woody.

Carla: Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.

Sam: And pregnant.

Carla: Yeah, probably.

Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]

Nick: Hello sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?

Diane: Only during flea and tick season.

Nick: Well in my neighborhood, that's all year round.

Diane: I'm sure it is.

Carla: [on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.

Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]

Diane: [about Jack Dalton] There's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.

Woody: Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?

Diane: After.

Frasier: How long after?

Diane: Days.

Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.

Jack: Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.

Cliff: So does Normy.

Norm: What?

Cliff: He wishes he had one.

Diane Chambers Day [4.22]

Diane: Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer. He does a wonderful Punch & Judy.

Carla: He better have a wonderful punch, if he's going to dress like Judy.

Relief Bartender [4.23]

[Business isn't doing well at Cheers now that Sam is the host]

Sam: I'll think of something.

Cliff: Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.

Sam: That's not bad.

Carla: Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.

Sam: You've got a lovely body.

Carla: [pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.

Sam: I'll think of something.

Diane: Well I don't know what.

Sam: You don't have my brain.

Diane: Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Sam: The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.

Diane: Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.

Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]

Cliff: [to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.

Carla: Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.

Diane: [about Sam] I think he might be hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.

Carla: Yeah you're right. He's havin' a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman. The man is a glutton for punishment.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?

Norm: Okay Woody, but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.

Janet: Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.

Sam: She's gotta work someplace.

Janet: She owe you money that's she trying to work off?

Sam: No.

Janet: Would you lose customers if she leave?

Sam: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]

Woody: Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.

Norm: Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.

Cliff: Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.

Norm: Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.

Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: Pour.

Woody: I'm so sorry to hear that.

Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.