Cheech: Hey, it's about time, man. [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside] Hey, what do you got? Hey, give me some.
Cheech: Give a drink, man. Come on, man, you drink it.
Chong: What, this?
Chong: Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself. [hands him the jar]
Cheech: Wait a minute... [sniffs the inside] Hey, man, that's pee!
Chong: No kidding.
Cheech: What are you doing with pee?
Chong: That's for my probation officer, man.
Cheech: What, does he drink pee?
Chong: No, man. Last week, I was supposed to bring some in, you know.
Chong: But I forgot to wash out the jar first, so he sees that mayonnaise floatin' around, and he'll think I'm on some kind of weird drug again, and I'm really gonna fuck with his mind this time, man.
Cheech: Yeah, what did you do?
Chong: Have my SISTER pee in it.
Cheech: [laughs it out] Your sister?
Chong: Yeah, she's pregnant!
Cheech: Hey, did she get the weed?
Chong: No, she's out of it, man. We're just waiting on some from Columbia.
Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
Gloria's Mom: [while driving] Watch the road.
Cheech: Okay, where's it gonna go?
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech] Hey, fella, you need a pass.
Cheech: [covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, fella, your pass?
Cheech: Pass? Oh, thanks a lot, man.
[After shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]
Chong: You got a light, man?
Cheech: Huh? Oh yeah, here. [hands him a lighter] Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: Oh man. '[flicks the lighter]
Cheech: I don't know. [the inside of the car explodes]
Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Cheech: When you see a friend, you say "Hey, how's it going, Pendejo?"
Chong: "Hey, how's it going, Pendecko?"
Cheech: ...Yeah, that's close enough.
Chong: What does that mean, man?
Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong: "How's it going, Pend... Pen..." How was that, again?
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horseshit! How are you? Goddamn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong: Good, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong: I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: What?
Chong: I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
Desk Clerk: [on phone with police] Look, this is the real thing this time! There are two crazies running around tearing the place up! I already told you our location! ERRRGH! Well, what are they doing, walking over here? Look, I think they're Iranians!... okay, thanks very much.