Cheech: Hey, it's about time, man. [seeing a jar with a yellowish fluid inside] Hey, what do you got? Hey, give me some.
Cheech: Give a drink, man. Come on, man, you drink it.
Chong: What, this?
Chong: Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself. [hands him the jar]
Cheech: Wait a minute... [sniffs the inside] Hey, man, that's pee!
Chong: No kidding.
Cheech: What are you doing with pee?
Chong: That's for my probation officer, man.
Cheech: What, does he drink pee?
Chong: No, man. Last week, I was supposed to bring some in, you know.
Chong: But I forgot to wash out the jar first, so he sees that mayonnaise floatin' around, and he'll think I'm on some kind of weird drug again, and I'm really gonna f**k with his mind this time, man.
Cheech: Yeah, what did you do?
Chong: Have my SISTER pee in it.
Cheech: [laughs it out] Your sister?
Chong: Yeah, she's pregnant!
Cheech: Hey, did she get the weed?
Chong: No, she's out of it, man. We're just waiting on some from Columbia.
Chong: I dig it, man. It's good. But you know, while you were singing that, I came up with another song, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. It's like the same thing, only different.
Gloria's Mom: [while driving] Watch the road.
Cheech: Okay, where's it gonna go?
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech] Hey, fella, you need a pass.
Cheech: [covered in ashes after the car explosion] Oh, uh... I'm with the Towering Inferno, man.
Guard at the Studio Entrance: [to Cheech after leaving in a van] Hey, fella, your pass?
Cheech: Pass? Oh, thanks a lot, man.
[After shifting gasoline that has spilt on their clothes, Chong tries to light a joint]
Chong: You got a light, man?
Cheech: Huh? Oh yeah, here. [hands him a lighter] Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man.
Cheech: Ah, these gas fumes, man.
Chong: Oh man. '[flicks the lighter]
Cheech: I don't know. [the inside of the car explodes]
Cheech: Want me to teach you some Spanish, man?
Cheech: When you see a friend, you say "Hey, how's it going, Pendejo?"
Chong: "Hey, how's it going, Pendecko?"
Cheech: ...Yeah, that's close enough.
Chong: What does that mean, man?
Cheech: Oh, it means my really good friend.
Chong: "How's it going, Pend... Pen..." How was that, again?
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Cheech! Hey, you old pile of horseshit! How are you? Goddamn, you got ugly! How ya doing, man?
Chong: Good, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: I haven't seen you in ten years, man!
Chong: I'm not Cheech, man.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: What?
Chong: I'm Cheech's friend Chong.
Dwayne "Red" Mendoza: Oh, hey, Ching! Good to meet you!
Desk Clerk: [on phone with police] Look, this is the real thing this time! There are two crazies running around tearing the place up! I already told you our location! ERRRGH! Well, what are they doing, walking over here? Look, I think they're Iranians!... okay, thanks very much.