Cats & Dogs

Cats & Dogs is a 2001 film directed by Lawrence Guterman about the ancient relationship between cats and dogs. It has a 2010 sequel Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

Dialogue

Butch: How could this have happened?!

Control: It was an accident. He slipped through.

Butch: You promised me a professional! And what do I get?! A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats, for crying out loud!

Control: There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.

---

Lou: I was just thinking - if I'm gonna to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation".

Peek: Nah, he's a pro-wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.

Lou: All right, then. "Doom Machine" it is.

Butch: Hey! You can call yourself "Squicky the Space-Dog" for all I care. [Sam and Peak snicker] But that don't make your behind a rocket pack! You are not an agent, but you are gonna help us.

---

Ninja Cat Leader: On my mark! 3! 2! 1!

Ninja Cat Team and Leader: BANZAI!

[The Ninjas drop from the planes and deploy their parachutes after several seconds of freefall]

---

Mr. Tinkles: [after Sophie leaves; angrily] Evil does not wear a BONNET!!

Calico: [emerging from trash bin] Comin' out, is she gone?

Mr. Tinkles: [shakes his head] Urgh! Did Genghis Khan ever wear a bonnet? No. Attila the Hun? I don't think so. But he did wear a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet? Uh, yes? Huh? No? Okay. Ahem. [lifts top of serving plate] The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! [drops top of serving plate] If they ever show their faces again, [examines a roll] you know what to do.

Calico: Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding. Hello? Joke?

Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] This can't be happening. [angrily] I want them ELIMINATED! [slams his fist on the end table]

Calico: Bu-but they, they did manage to bug the phone. You know, maybe we can look at the glass as half-full. [Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico] Ow! Th-that's what I like to do.

Mr. Tinkles: Huh, putting a happy face on things, I see. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget that WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?! [thunder claps loudly] The clock is ticking, and our margin for error is slight! Tomorrow, you will send in...the Russian.

---

Lou: [After Mrs. Brody brings home a Russian Blue kitten] I'm onto you kitty, and you're in big trouble.

Russian Blue: [Deep, male Russian voice] I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble.

[Lou barks. The Russian Blue then hacks up a large metal fur ball.]

Lou: Ugh, yuck!

[The Russian Blue opens the ball, dropping a pile of dog feces.]

Russian Blue: From Russia with love...

Lou: Uh-oh...

Russian Blue: ...stealth poop.

[Mrs. Brody walks in and gasps at the sight. Cut to the outside of the backyard, where she drops him off.]

Mrs. Brody: I don't have time for this. Bad dog!

---

Mr. Brody: [on tape] Hi. Uh, doctor, the cure for dog allergies? Success, done!

Doctor: [sneezes] Fantastic. Send it to me tomorrow, and I'll have our guys verify it.

Mr. Brody: I will. I'll send it, [Doctor sneezes] first thing in the morning. God bless you.

Mr. Tinkles: [stops the tape] This is unacceptable! If we do not act immediately, that work will be out of my reach forever! You know what that means?

Calico: [confused] Huh? What? Oh. Who, me?

Mr. Tinkles: [annoyed] Were you not paying attention?

Calico: Not really. Are you mad?

Mr. Tinkles: YES! I AM MAD!

Calico: [ducks from Mr. Tinkles' paw] Whoa!

Mr. Tinkles You little bug of an imbecile!

---

Mr. Tinkles: As for you, Brody herd, I have a very, very, special...[Reaches into a box on the desk, and pulls out cork gun] gift! [angrily] WHAT?!

Scott: Whoa!

Mr. Tinkles: I thought I told you to buy a real gun!

Calico: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Mr. Tinkles: Ohh! What possible use could I have for this?! [Throws the cork gun, firing the cork, breaking things and setting the room on fire] Hey. I'm so clever. [Starts to leave] You know this is? Yeah, this is just plain fun, yeah. [to Calico] I want you to stay here.

Calico: Why?

Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you. [Closes the door, leaving Calico locked inside]

Calico: [Begins pawing desperately at the door] No! NO! NOOO! HELP! NO! LET ME OUT!

---

Sam: Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!

Butch: Granted.

---

Lou: Hey, you stupid cat!

Peek: That'll get his attention.

---

Peek: The book says cut the red wire.

Butch: We're dogs. We're color blind!

---

Scotty: Loser.

Lou: Cat person.

---

Butch: Hold on a second, kid.

Lou: No!

Butch: Hold it!

Lou: Hey, they can't do this! You should've fought for me! For my family!

Butch: Why? What good would it do?

Lou: What about "Man's Best Friend"? History 101, remember?

Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them. We work for them. We tolerate their stupid "boochy-boochy" baby-talk crap. AND FOR WHAT?! So when they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]

Lou: Is that what happened to you? [Butch stops] You gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?

Butch: [looks at Lou, shocked; walks to the fence-door] Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down. [fence-door closes]

---

Ivy: Hey, Butch, I heard what happened. How's Lou?

Butch: I told him not to get attached to the boy.

Ivy: Sure. An agent keeps his mind on the mission and nothing else. That's why my family didn't love me, Butch.

Butch: We all have our sob stories. Now, he has his.

---

[Sophie is taking Mr. Tinkles home after his failed attempt to take over the world.]

Sophie: That's right, Mr. Tinkles, you have been a very bad kitty. I'm just going to have to teach you how to behave. Now, you'll just have to live with me... [Entering the house...] ...and my sisters!

[All of Sophie's sisters, who are also all maids, excitedly scream and run to the door to see Mr. Tinkles. The movie ends with them dressing him up in ridiculous little outfits, much to his humiliation.]

Mr. Tinkles: [Closing line] This can't be happening.

Cast

• Jeff Goldblum - Professor Brody
• Elizabeth Perkins - Mrs. Brody
• Alexander Pollock - Scotty Brody

Voices

• Tobey Maguire - Lou
• Alec Baldwin - Butch
• Joe Pantoliano - Peek
• Michael Clarke Duncan - Sam
• Susan Sarandon - Ivy
• Sean Hayes - Mr. Tinkles
• Jon Lovitz - Calico
• Billy West