Mind of Mencia

Mind of Mencia was a sketch-comedy series that stars Carlos Mencia, running from 2005 to 2008.

Quotes

• Dee Dee Dee!
• If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!
• (on Easter) By the way, what do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ?
• (pulling on the fat on his chin) That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!!!
• (from Carlosaurus Rex) Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew...you're probably an asshole too.
• When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
• If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.
• 'Achmed' - Why don't you check the women?
  • Carlos - Because, Achmed, women in this country have been treated like crap for about 150 years when they couldn't vote. So, unless you want to not vote for that long and possibly give me head, I suggest you get your ass over there!
• 'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?
  • Carlos - And how many gold medals have you won for us lately?
• 'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?
  • Carlos - Because they gave me the job!
• 'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?
  • Carlos - No, it's because Hispanics don't blow sh*t up, they clean it up and build it up after you blow it up!
• I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!
• Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)
• I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
• Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!
• When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
• When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.
• Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f***ing Aquaman?
• (from "The Stereotype Song") Jews love bagels and they love money/I am Mexican, I'm so funny.
• Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga.
• (Through megaphone)Attention people sleeping in that apartment block! Get the f*ck up and get a job!

From Mariachi Mencia

• Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. (sings) "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"
• Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.
• Barkeep: "And if that doesn't work, here's some Vaseline and tissues on the house!"
• (sings) Three dollar tip? ACHMED, KISS MY ASS! You charge more for a Gallon of GAS!

From Store Clerk Carlos

(To a redneck.)

• Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

(To a Mexican woman.)

• Woman: Fifty lottery tickets, please.
  

Punji: Aren't you the woman with 12 kids?
Woman: Yes.
Punji: What do you feed them, the losing lottery tickets?
Woman: Callate la boca mamon, just give me the lottery tickets.
Punji: Lord Krishna, Please forgive me for I know what I am about to say. You are never going to win the lottery, you have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest, And you have enough kids. Why don't you take your $50 and buy a vagina cork. I hope I am reincarnated as a condom so that I'll never see you again, now take your lottery tickets, and get the park out of my store!
Woman: Desrigado!
Mencia: I know Spanish too, puta!

(To a smoker who has a hole in his throat)

• Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!

(To a fat black woman)

• Oh Vishnu, I am about to go against all of your teachings. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know there is a skinny person inside every fat one, but it looks like you have the whole cast of America's Next Top Model inside of there. I hope I am reincarnated as your feet, so that you'll never see me again! ...I apologize, I must apologize! I should not have insulted you, because in my religion, cows are sacred! So take my cheese and your magazine and get the park out of my store!

(To a would-be robber) Robber: Give me the money. Open the register, move!
Punji: You better think twice about robbing me, because you are on camera my friend.
Robber: No, I sprayed it.
Punji: No dumbass. Men don't wear dee dots. This is a camera my friend (pointing to his forehead). You are on DOT CAM.
(takes out a gun with a laser sight and points it at the robber's forehead) Oh. Now you have a dot just like me. Let us play a game. We are going quail hunting. I am the Vice-President, and you are my best friend. NOW GET THE PARK OUT OF MY STORE, DO IT, DO IT NOW!

• Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

From Judge Carlos

• Mencia: A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. (The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals.) Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?
  

Johnny Cochran: If you swim with the fishes, you dead sons of bitches.
Mencia: Judge Carlos rules in favor of SeaWorld and orders the records to be sealed. Because I don't even want to think about what he was doing in Shamu's pen. The whale probably killed him in self-defense.
HEY! (With a finger over his lips sounding Aquatic) NO MEANS NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Confucius Carlos

Young Woman: Confucius Carlos as a vegetarian I believe that all of god's creatures are sacred, what can we do to stop people from eating poor defenseless animals?

Carlos: (sounding like mix of Elmer Fudd, Bruce Lee and Asian wiseman) Ahh yes, meat! Meat has protein, protein makes testosterone, testosterone makes guys want to bang you! So do you really want guys to stop eating meat? Unless you are 'softball player', I suggest you go home and make your man a big fat steak for dinner so he'll have some of your pie for dessert. Confucius Carlos Has spoken.

Asian Weakling: Woman is only vegetarian, because she has never tasted any of my meat. Do you have question for Confucius Carlos?

White Mountain Climber: Nope, I'm on my way up to the top of Mount Everest.

Carlos: Well I have question for you, why do white guys do crazy shit like climb a mountain? You will go to the top of the mountain, you will go to the moon, you will go to the North Pole to meet a polar bear, but you will not go to Compton for a barbeque for fear of the "Black People"? Confucius Carlos Has spoken.

Asian Weakling: He who has time to climb world's tallest mountain must also be world's biggest virgin!

Football Fan: I've traveled over 5000 miles to you this very important question. Who should I pick for my Fantasy Football team?

Carlos: The only fantasy here is the one where you are not a big fat loser. What you don't know is that while you are on your on the internet playing fantasy football, your girlfriend was living out her fantasy getting boned by a real football player, and let's put it this way: he is not white. Why don't you use the internet for what it was created for, looking at asian pornography? Confucius Carlos has spoken.

Asian Weakling: About fantasy sports, here is a fact. It's the only sport that whites can play better than blacks.

Teenager holding a joint: Confucius Carlos, all these big corporations are raping and murdering the earth, is there any way to stop them?

Carlos: You reefer-smoking retards all claim to hate big business, but the first thing you do when you get so stoned you don't even know what day of the year it is, is rent movies from Blockbuster, order pizza from Domino's, drink Budweiser and play the Playstation from SONY. If you really want to help the earth, you must kill yourselves 'Doobie Hauser M.Dee-Dee-Dee'. Confucius Carlos has spoken.

Asian Weakling: Confucius Carlos has excellent point, but I'll give you five bucks for a puff of that joint.

Carlos: Silence, I must meditate, ohmmmm, ohmmmmmmm, ohmmMMY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE HUGE TITS!

Woman with Large Breasts: That's exactly the reason I came here Confucius Carlos, everyone seems to be more interested in my breasts, I just want to be taken seriously.

Carlos: *breaking character* Look, bitch, the only reason you got them implants was to get attention from men, so congratulations, you got a return on your investment. If you want me to look into your eyes when you speak, you better say something that's waaaay more interesting than those two Midgets on your chest.

Carlos: *returning to character* Confucius Carlos has spoken.

Asian Weakling: *staring at woman leaving* Don't be a hater. I'm just staring now so I can masturbate later.

Carlos: *This guy is about as soft as Star Jones' husband's penis.

"The Dee Dee Dee Song"

"Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you."

You dropped out of school cause you’re smarter than everybody
I got three words for you dumbass,
“Ding, fries ready”
You try to outrun a bull,
but nobody’s that fast
That’s how you end up,
with a horn stuck up your ass
Roethlisberger needs no helmet cause he’s a star
But the year the bus left, he got hit by a car
You wanna go huntin’ for quail someplace
Don’t go with Cheney,
he’ll put a fuckin shot in your face
If you bungee jump so you can fly through the air
I ain’t sad you ended up in that wheelchair
You ignore all the warnings,
yet you light up a smoke
Now you have to talk with a machine in your throat

[Chorus]
How many idiots can there be?
Some say that it’s 1 out of 3
If you don’t know then take it from me
You’re the dee dee dee

you you you
dee dee dee

And if you are a Dee
Please don’t marry a Dee
Cause then your kids will be
(what? what?)
Dee dee dee

dee dee dee

[Verse 2]
You cry about the price of gas and war in Iraq
But you voted Bush in twice what were you smokin, crack?
Didn’t get a prenup, though you knew she was a skank
Now you’ve got herpes and she’s got half your bank
You were on top of the world with “Hit Me Baby One More Time”
Only a stupid bitch would marry Kevin Federline
You drink and drive and you think it’s okay
Now you’re cell mate’s weavin in and out the “hershey highway”
When you put tigers on your show and they can’t be free
They’ll bite your neck off and then you’ll say
(chokingly) “dee dee dee” (cough)

[Chorus]
How many idiots can there be?
Some say that it’s 1 out of 3
If you don’t know then take it from me
You’re the dee dee dee

you you you
dee dee dee

And if you are a Dee
Please don’t marry a Dee
It’s genetics don’t you see?
Your kids will be dee dee dee

That’s what they’re gonna be: DEE DEE DEE!!!

[Verse 3]
Parents are to blame for all these dee dee dee’s
Letting their kids drop out and not get GED’s
You keep your kids inside cause there’s freaks on the loose
But yet you let them drink from Michael Jackson’s “Jesus Juice”?
You don’t care when your kids come home with D’s from class
What you need to do is get some balls and beat that ass
He isn’t stupid, you say he’s got A.D.D.
It’s that his mom and his dad are both dee dee dee!

[Bridge]
This test is too hard!
(So we lower the standards)
I’m not good at sports!
(So we give them all trophies)
My dad used to spank me
(So we lower the standards)
I’m too fat for this seat
(So we widen the standards)
They say no cause I’m black
(So we lower the standards)
They say no cause I’m white
(So we lower the standards)
They say no cause I’m Asian
(So we lower the standards)
No habla inglés
(So we all become Spaniards)

And you wake up one day and you don’t have the skills
To get a better job so you’re stuck on the grill
You’re wondering why Julio took your job
But you forget to see, you’re as dumb as a knob
Your ass is too fat to get out of the house
While you’re eating more food trying to figure it out
So they outsource your job to some guy named Habib
Cause he works harder than you and he’s got 5 degrees
And you’re asking yourself how could this happen to me
I’ll tell you why, homie! Cause you’re….
Dee dee dee
Dee dee dee
Dee dee dee

The Rich Sheik

1
2
3 into the 4
You rappers think you're rich but you're really dirt poor

You go broke paying for rims on your Hummer
I'll never go broke unlike MC Hammer

I use Hundred dollar bills to wipe my ass
I hose my bitches down with unleaded gas

Rappers have cars with TVs in the back
I can't fit one in my ride cuz its a fuckin' jetpack

huhlahumalahhumahumalumanah
huhlahumalahhumahumalumanah

Sometimes I kill people just to make my day
Like that time back in Dallas I shot JFK
That was me hiding in the grassy knoll
I own a time machine it's made of solid gold

And I wasn't gonna tell you this but screw it
Hurricane Katrina didn't do it
It was me cuz thats how I blow
(Blow)

And I even call men bitches cuz your all my hoes
I shot my friend cuz he looked at me funny
and the cops will beat him when I show him my money

Girls: Hoes in the back
Gas in the crack
Snaps his fingers and we're on our backs

Girls: Hoes in the back
Gas in the crack
He paid Bush to attack Iraq.

This one goes out to all you rappers out there
They call you 50 Cent call me Gazillionaire

Eminem's Grit has turned to Vanilla
I own Europe, Syria, and parts of Manila

Nelly's always talking about the gold in his grill
I make all this money off the oil that I drill

Ludacris you say you necklace feels like a midget
well my necklace really is a midget

haaamelahmalalmaahaamelahamalalamalamala
haaamelahmalalmaahaamelahamalalamalamala

P. Diddy has Bad Boy and Sean John
I have that plus I bought a black man's shlong

I got my face on my money and my money on my face
on the weekends I ride my shuttle into space

You know a great way of getting alot of coon?
Fly bitches to your moon

East coast, west coast I don't care
When you do a drive by I collect the gas fare

Oh goddammit I have so much money
It's not even funny

Ok, it's actually pretty funny
Cause when I'm hungry I put a bald eagle in my tummy

"Oh there it goes, the American bird it is so delicious"

And I wash that down with a polar bear rib
Why don't you check out my crib

No not this one this is as small as a mouse
I own the Taj Mahal, the pyramids, the fucking White House

So to all you rappers who think your rich
You ain't shit till you make Donald Trump your bitch

"That's Him my friends
And who's wiping my ass eh?"

(To Trump)"Hey, You're Fired."
"You're Fired!"
(Sarcastically) "You're Fired!"

haaamahamalahaaamahamalahaaamahamalahaaamahamalalalala

On Hurricane Katrina

• "I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"
• "Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?"
• "Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!"
• "It's got so bad, Mexico sent us help!"
• "I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim."
• "Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullsh*t number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!"