Birds of a Feather
British television series
Birds of a Feather (1989-98, 2014-20) is a British sitcom, that aired on BBC One, about two sisters who are left to fend for themselves after their husbands are arrested for armed robbery.
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Series One
editNicked [1.1]
edit- Sharon: Oh see you've tidied up then.
- Chris: I've been waiting for my trousers, took your bloody time didn't ya?
- Sharon: Oh I could hardly drag meself away, it was so romantic watching your jeans wrapping themselves around my knickers, it took me right back to when a quick tumble meant more than 20p's worth of hot air.
- Chris: Hot air? you can talk about hot air...next time Richard Branson feels like crossing the Atlantic in that giant Virgin jolly of his...he can come round here, you can talk him up...right do you want a lift to your sister's or are you going to stay here nagging the wallpaper off the walls.
- Sharon: Hang on hang on I'll just do me face.
- Chris: I can't wait that long...my tax disk expires at Christmas.
- Sharon: There was 30 quid in here when I went up the launderette.
- Chris: No some thieving Turk must have had that away whilst you were adding the fabric conditioner.
- Sharon: I didn't take my purse up to the launderette you lying merchant...look that's my shopping money I worked bloody hard for that you thieving ponce...do you know how many customers I had to short change to scrape that 30 quid together...gunna put it on one of your 3 legged horses was ya?
- Chris: What I do with my money is down to me.
- Sharon: Your money? You parasite...you're supposed to be the bread winner here...instead you're nicking the crumbs off my plate...what sort of husband are you?
- Chris: Don't start all that least I didn't marry you under false pretenses.
- Sharon: Meaning what?
- Chris: You know.
- Sharon: Say it.
- Chris: What's the point?
- Sharon: GO ON SAY IT!
- Chris: Alright...if i knew you couldn't have kids...
- Sharon: Oooh you bastard [elbows him in the stomach]
- Chris: [holds his stomach] You told me ta say it....you're bloody mental. [leaves the room]
- Sharon: HANG ON WHAT ABOUT ME LIFT!
Just Visiting [1.2]
edit- Dorien: Look, I know I've got a mouth on me.
- Tracey: Like a whale.
- Sharon: Sperm whale.
- Dorien: I've got a heart of gold, ask anyone.
- Tracey: She got a heart of gold, Shal?
- Sharon: That's the buzz on the street, Trace.
- [Dorien cuts through the stems]
- Dorien: And honestly, I just want to be friends.
- [Dorien puts the flowers in the vase, only the flowers are visible at the top of the vase.]
Shift [1.3]
editWomen's Troubles [1.4]
editCheat! [1.5]
editSubstitute [1.6]
editSailing [1.7]
editSeries Two
editGetting a Grip [2.1]
editSweet Smell of Success [2.2]
editYoung Guns [2.3]
editMuesli [2.4]
editKeep Off the Grass [2.5]
editMice [2.6]
editBrief Encounter [2.7]
editYou Pays Yer Money [2.8]
editTrust [2.9]
editThirty Something [2.10]
editLove on the Run [2.11]
editOld Friends [2.12]
editParting [2.13]
editJobs for the Girls [2.14]
editSomeone Else's Baby [2.15]
editFalling in Love Again [2.16]
editSeries Three
editKeeping Up Appearances [3.1]
editTinker, Tailor [3.2]
editBaby Come Back [3.3]
editJust Family [3.4]
editConfidence [3.5]
editThe Lost Weekend [3.6]
editHistory [3.7]
editPoetic Justice [3.8]
editFavour of the Month [3.9]
editCuckoo [3.10]
editSchooling [3.11]
editBusiness [3.12]
editWe'll Always Have Majorca [3.13]
editSeries Four
editBreadwinner [4.1]
editFood for Thought [4.2]
editCommitments [4.3]
editWipe That Smile off Your Tape [4.4]
editCaring [4.5]
editNine and a Half Days [4.6]
editBelongings [4.7]
editHungry for Love [4.8]
edit- Dorien [dressed in a leotard]: Coo-ee!!
- Sharon: It's an OAP from Fame.
- Dorien: He doesn't seem interested. I don't understand it!
- Sharon: Perhaps you're being too subtle.
- Dorien: I hardly think so. When he came round this morning, I opened the door in my underwear.
- Sharon: I didn't know you had a door in your underwear! What is it - a tradesmen's entrance?
- Dorien: It isn't funny.
- Sharon: It is.
- Dorien: There I was, standing in front of him, half naked.
- Sharon: What happened?
- Dorien: Nothing, he took one look at my body and said he'd come back when I've finished the ironing.
- Dorien: He just doesn't know what he's missing, a woman of my experience can show him things he'd never seen before.
- Sharon: Yeah, but perhaps he's not turned on by liver spots and stretch marks.
- Dorien: Well, I'm not beaten yet, I'll have that Bret Warner's amazing technicolor jockstrap hanging off the end of my four poster if I have to prise it off with a crowbar.
Time and Tides [4.9]
editSisters Are Doing It [4.10]
editThe Front [4.11]
editOkey-Cokey-Karaoke [4.12]
editLoyalty [4.13]
editThe Chigwell Connection [4.14]
editSeries Five
editHigh Fidelity [5.1]
editBang [5.2]
editNon-Starter [5.3]
editAbsent Friends [5.4]
editSuspicious Minds [5.5]
editDead Loss [5.6]
editA Brush with the Law [5.7]
editMind Over Matter [5.8]
editEast Side Story [5.9]
edit- Tracey: Calm down, we ain't in San Antonio now.
- Sharon: Brilliant night, though, weren't it?
- Tracey: Yeah! Here, where are the kids?
- Dorien: The sun's coming back up, Rosa's obviously has gone back to her coffin. I'd better go, we really must do this again sometime.
- Sharon: Great! When?
- Dorien: How about when hell freezes over? Ciao!
- [Knocking]
- Sharon: What was that?
- Tracey: It was out the back by the pool.
- Dorien: Oh my god, burglars, call the police.
- Sharon: We can't.
- Dorien: Why not?
- Sharon: The filter unit was on police five last week.
- Tracey: Let's go and have a look. Give me that bottle.
- [Sharon, Tracey and Dorien creep towards the door and find Garth and Rosa in the Jacuzzi]
- Tracey: GARTH!
- Garth: [stands up] Mum!
- [Rosa laughs]
- Dorien: Heavens, hasn't it grown?
Find the Lady [5.10]
editAn Inspector Stays [5.11]
editAll Gone Pear Shaped [5.12]
editThe Beautiful Game [5.13]
edit- [Sharon, Tracey and Dorien are playing Monopoly]
- Sharon: Your go, Trace.
- [Tracey rolls the dice]
- Tracey: Four.
- Sharon: Which means you've landed on... Dorien's Boobs!
- [Dorien and Tracey look perplexed]
- Sharon: Otherwise known as the Community Chest.
- Dorien: Yes, thank you Sharon, at least I don't have to buy my bras from High & Mighty.
- Tracey: Go to jail?
- Sharon: Well, that's handy, if you see Chris give him a kick up the cobbler for me, will you?
- [Sharon rolls the dice]
- Sharon: Nine. Which means I'm on...
- Dorien: Park Lane, which happens to be owned by moi, and look, I've got a hotel on it.
- Sharon: Knocking shop, more like.
It Happened in Hollywood [5.14]
editSeries Six
editNot in My Backyard [6.1]
editMrs Robinson [6.2]
editFirst Time Caller [6.3]
editCompulsion [6.4]
editAll Day and All of the Night [6.5]
editAppreciation Society [6.6]
editMoving [6.7]
editOut [6.8]
editIn At the Deep End [6.9]
editBusiness Is Business [6.10]
editPuppy Love [6.11]
editStill Waters Run Deep [6.12]
editOn the Glass [6.13]
editChristmas in Dreamland [6.14]
editThe Chigwell Years [6.15]
editSeries Seven
editStand By Your Man [7.1]
editNearest and Dearest [7.2]
editCheers [7.3]
editRelative Strangers [7.4]
editPorridge [7.5]
editRising Damp [7.6]
editThree Up, Two Down [7.7]
editAre You Being Served? [7.8]
editNever the Twain [7.9]
editThree's Company [7.10]
editSeries Eight
editReservoir Birds [8.1]
editTrouble and Strife [8.2]
editThe Essex Patient [8.3]
editMaids of Ongar [8.4]
editBaggage [8.5]
editCan't Judge a Book [8.6]
editMoney [8.7]
editSeries Nine
editGhost [9.1]
editMummies And Daddies [9.2]
editSunday [9.3]
editModel [9.4]
editNuptials [9.5]
editHoly Ground [9.6]
editCast
edit- Pauline Quirke - Sharon Theodopolopodos
- Linda Robson - Tracey Stubbs
- Lesley Joseph - Dorien Green
- David Cardy - Chris Theodopolopodos
- Peter Polycarpou - Chris Theodopolopodos
- Alun Lewis - Darryl Stubbs
- Doug McFerran - Darryl Stubbs
- Simon Nash - Garth Stubbs
- Matthew Savage - Garth Stubbs
- Stephen Greif - Marcus Green
- Nickolas Grace - Marcus Green