- What the heck is on my head right now?
- [Skeeter sings to the staff] Barry had a Nottingham. Nottingham. Nottingham. Barry had a Nottingham whose beard was white as snow. [Skeeter stops singing] C'mon, give it up for the big man.
- Lucky my wallet only had three dollars, and my Derek Jeter baseball card!
- I'll have me win in the story, so I'll win for real. Do ya dig?
- [Barry Nottingham doesn't want to hug Skeeter because of germs] Let's get past that. OK. Oh, see? Look, your enjoying it. We're hugging, and nothing's happening.
- The Big Hotel Idea Story!
- Gotta babysit my niece and nephew tonight. Oh God. Got any advice for me?
- [talking on the phone from the next room] EMERGENCY! [enters the room] They don't have a TV.
- There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you guys learn that, the better.
- [looking at Bugsy's (guinea pig) eyes] Those would look big on a cow.
- It's not that big, sir. It can fit into one spot.
- Excuse me Mr. Nottingham. My name is Jill Hastings. I'm a teacher at Webster Elementary.
- That's my Prius.
- [to Skeeter after he finds out that the new hotel is replacing Webster Elementary School] Don't destroy the sliver of respect I still have for you by making lame excuses. Just go away and stay away.
- [Skeeter mistakes him for Bobbi] I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.
- Girls are bisgrusting, except for Trisha Sparks.
- [looks at the stars] Oh look. A pyramid.
- You have to read us a bedtime story.
- [is asked how hamburgers taste like] Lifechanging.
- Patrick's never kissed a girl.
- [looking at Skeeter's gifts] Shampoo, and a soap?
- Barry Nottingham Yes. Now, sign the bloody papers.
- Mickey [translating Skeeter's gibberish] Jumping up and down on the alligator.
- Barry Nottingham Germs!
- Mickey Oh, so positive visualisation. I read a book on that once...I read the back cover...I can't read. [Bugsy starts laughing] Shut up, Bugsy! I've got opposable thumbs. What do you think about that? [Bugsy stops laughing]
- Skeeter Am I really getting a cherry-red ferrari?
- Robber I don't see why not.
- Skeeter For freeeee?
- Robber Sounds good to meeeee.
- Violet Nottingham Skeeter? Skeeter Bronson?
- Skeeter Yes, ma'am.
- Skeeter Raining gumballs?
- Patrick It's a bedtime story. Anything can happen.
- Skeeter Yeah, well I guess, in the story. I just wish it was like that in real life. I really do. [imaginary wind chimes sound]
- Bobbi You go into a magical cave.
- Skeeter Caves are nice.
- Bobbi And Abe Lincoln's there.
- Skeeter Abe Lincoln?! What, is this a joke to you?! What the heck's the matter with you?!
- Skeeter So you need me, this is good. I´ll do it. But you will have to say "Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd".
- Wendy Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd
- Skeeter Yeah, you are