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Back to School

1986 film by Alan Metter

Back to School is a 1986 comedy film about a wealthy but uneducated father who goes to college to show solidarity with his troubled son.

Registration starts Friday, June 13, at theaters everywhere.

Thornton Melon

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  • I don't know. I can't figure women out. Today, they're... independent. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa - she used to scream out her own name!
  • Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.
  • Don't mind Lou - he's only the second generation in his family to stand up straight.
  • Please, try to understand. I don't have the background for this. I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!
  • With the shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction.

Dialogue

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Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home.
Lou: I liked the old house better.
Thornton Melon: So did I.
Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!
Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday! [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.
Dean Martin: [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.
Dean Martin: Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: [glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!
Thornton Melon: [chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon. [turns on heel and heads to his car]
Dr. Turner: [Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way] Who is that?
Dr. Phillip Barbay: That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
Dr. Turner: Oh, I think he was just having fun.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.
Dr. Turner: Oh, Phillip.
Thornton Melon: When's our first class?
Jason Melon: Uh, we got Economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.
Thornton Melon: 11 o'clock? No good. I got a massage 11 o'clock. Tell 'em to make it 2 o'clock.
Jason Melon: No, dad. Uh, you don't get it. They're not gonna re-schedule the classes around your massage.
Thornton Melon: All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that Dean. I mean, these classes could be a REAL inconvenience.
Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!
Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]
Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?
Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.
Lou: Well, now you do.
[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
Thornton Melon: What's your favorite subject?
Bubbles: Poetry.
Thornton Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
Security Guard: [after Thornton Melon's run-in with a showering sorority girl] Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a a bad day...
Thornton Melon: But a great view! You're all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids. [hands officer cash]
Security Guard: I don't have any kids.
Thornton Melon: No kids? Well, get yourself some. Take it all. [hands officer more cash] And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!
Professor Terguson: Welcome to Contemporary American History. I'm Professor Turgeson. I know a lot of people think history is just facts, just information about the past - but not me. I hold history very sacred, sacred. The way a farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred, the way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred, the way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last twenty years of American history? Now, can someone tell me why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
Student: The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes.
Professor Terguson: Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. And a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there! I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it. [starting to shout] I was up to my knees in rice paddies, WITH GUNS THAT DIDN'T WORK, GOING UP AGAINST CHARLIE, SLUGGING IT OUT WITH HIM, WHILE PUSSIES LIKE YOU WERE BACK HERE PARTYING, PUTTING HEADBANDS ON, DOING DRUGS, LISTENING TO THE GODDAMN BEATLE ALBUMS! OHHHH! OHHHH! OH...!
Thornton Melon: Hey Professor, take it easy, will you? I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time! And me... I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover!
Professor Terguson: [chuckles] Well! I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mr. Helper! But since you wanna help, maybe you can help me, okay? You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago called the Korean conflict? Yeah, and how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China, [rips a desk apart] THEN TAKE IT APART BRICK BY BRICK, AND NUKE THEM BACK INTO THE FUCKING STONE AGE FOREVER?! HOW COME?! TELL ME WHY! SAY IT! SAY IT!
Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!
Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what, I have no idea.
Dr. Turner: Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.
Thornton Melon: Oh. How 'bout tomorrow night?
Dr. Turner: I have class then, too.
Thornton Melon: I'll tell you what, then. Why don't you call me some time when you have no class?
Dr. Turner: [laughs] Alright. Maybe I will.
Jason Melon: Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.
Thornton Melon: I tried...
[knock on door]
Thornton Melon: I don't understand a word of it.
Jason Melon: So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there]
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: [removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

Cast

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