Back to School
1986 film by Alan Metter
Back to School is a 1986 comedy film about a wealthy but uneducated father who goes to college to show solidarity with his troubled son.
- [About Professor Turgeson] Good teacher, he really seems to care....about what I have no idea.
- Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.
- Don't mind Lou - he's only the second generation in his family to stand up straight.
- The best thing about kids is making them.
- I never get physical. I just get upset. Then he gets physical. [Lou crushes a napkin holder in one hand]
- All right, I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a PUSSY WIMP to let MacArthur go in there and BLOW OUT THOSE COMMIE BASTARDS!
- Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there, and a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could but I was there! I wasn't up here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it, I was up to my knees in rice paddies! With guns that didn't work, going up against Charlie, sluggin it out with him, while PUSSIES LIKE YOU were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, LISTENING TO THE GODDAMN BEATLE ALBUMS! Ahhhhhhh AHhhhhhh AHHHHHHHHH!!!
- You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago, called the Korean conflict? Yeah, and how we failed to achieve victory. How come we didn't cross the 38th Parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China, then take the fucking wall apart BRICK BY BRICK and NUKE THEM BACK INTO THE FUCKING STONE AGE FOREVER! Tell me why, how come, SAY IT! SAY IT!
- Thornton Melon: When I used to dream about going to college, this is how I pictured it.
- Jason Melon: When did you dream about going to college?
- Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.
- Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?
- Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges. [the football player picks up Derek by his shirt] Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!
- Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.
- Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?
- Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!
- Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
- Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?
- Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...
- Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.
- [Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]
- Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?
- Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.
- Lou: Well, now you do.
- [Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]
- Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home.
- Lou: I liked the old house better.
- Thornton Melon: So did I.
- Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!
- Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday!
- Thornton Melon: [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
- Professor Terguson: You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean conflict? And how we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China?
- Professor Terguson: [rips a desk apart] Then take the fucking wall apart [shouts] brick by brick and nuke them back into the fucking stone age forever?! Tell me why! How come? Say it! Say it!
- Thornton Melon: [incensed] All right. I'll say it. 'Cause Truman was too much of a *pussy wimp* to let MacArthur go in there [shouts] and blow out those Commie bastards!
- Professor Terguson: Good answer. Good answer. I like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you.
- Thornton Melon: [chuckling to his classmates] Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what I have no idea.