Rodney Dangerfield

American actor and comedian (1921-2004)

Rodney Dangerfield (November 22, 1921October 5, 2004), born Jacob Cohen, was one of the greatest modern day American comedians and actors.

Rodney Dangerfield


  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
    • Quoted in Bob Fenster, Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros (2005), p. 37
  • There goes the neighborhood.
    • Epitaph, quoted in Patricia Brooks, Laid to Rest in California (2006), p. 20
  • If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half.
    • His last words quoted in Rosemarie Jarski, ed., Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 (2010). p. 501

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)Edit

  • I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
    • p. 4
  • In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
    • p. 6
  • What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
    • p. 7
  • I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
    • p. 8
  • When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
    • p. 9
  • When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
    • p. 10
  • I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
    • p. 12
  • My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
    • p. 13
  • I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
    • p. 14
  • A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
    • p. 15
  • I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.
    • p. 16
  • I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.
    • p. 17
  • I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
    • p. 18
  • What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
    • p. 19
  • I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
    • p. 21
  • I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
    • p. 59
  • When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
    • p. 126.
  • Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!
    • p. 127



Because Dangerfield's signature style is to be self-demeaning, many jokes of this type by other comedians are wrongly attributed to Dangerfield.

  • I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!

External linksEdit

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  1. Youngman H. 101 of My Funniest Jokes. New York: Henny Youngman, 1976. Brochure. Cited in: Essays of an Information Scientist, Vol:4, p.515-518, 1979-80, Current Comments #26, p. 516, June 30, 1980 PDF