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Austin Powers in Goldmember

2002 American spy comedy film directed by Jay Roach
For other films in this series, see Austin Powers (film series).

Austin Powers in Goldmember is a 2002 film in which Austin Powers, upon learning that his father has been kidnapped, must travel to 1975 and defeat the aptly-named villain Goldmember - who is working with Dr. Evil. The film was released in theaters July 26, 2002 in United States.

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.
He's still evil...He's still deadly...and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots! taglines

Dialogue

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[First lines; From Austinpussy, a movie within a movie]
Austin (Tom Cruise): [takes off his glasses] Yeah Baby!
["Tom Cruise as Austin Powers" appears. Then sees the motorcyclist, who turns out to be a woman, and puts his glasses back on]
Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow): [walks up to him] Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. ["Gwyneth Paltrow as Dixie Normous" appears] I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.
Austin (Cruise): Well, Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?
Dixie (Paltrow): Oh, Austin, Behave!
[They kiss, until...]
Dr. Evil (Kevin Spacey): Hey, Powers! [they look at him] You better watch your friggin' self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. ["Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil" appears] Right, mini-me?
Mini-me (Danny Devito): [flipping the bird while smoking a cigar] Hey, assholes! ["Danny DeVito as Mini-Me" appears] I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me! [fires an automatic assault rifle in the air]
[The word "Austinpussy" appears, before it was revealed to be the movie studio]
Steven Spielberg: So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema is making a mooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah! [laughs] Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Steven Spielberg: Really? [holds up an Oscar] My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie... [holds up the word 'mojo'] ...but you've gotta have mojo baby. Yeah! [blows the word into colorful dust] Hit it!
[The theme song plays]
Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call...Preparation H. [Scott snickers] What?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good. [Scott resumes snickering] What is it now?
Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.
Dr. Evil: Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja. Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is...no one can stop me. Not even...Austin Powers. [laughs evilly]
[They all laugh maliciously, except Scott]
Austin Powers: [arrives with a gun] Not so fast. [the police aim their guns at Dr. Evil and Mini-Me] You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil: [defeated once again] Shit.
[Basil brings in three sailors]
Basil: Austin, these men were assigned to guard your father. [to the sailors] Okay, chaps. Chins up, trousers down. [to Austin] I think we may have found a clue.
[The sailors pull down their pants, and Austin is shocked to see what they have exposed]
Austin: Cor blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold! How bizarre! Imagine, gilded tally-whackers, golden wedding tackle, 14-karat trouser snakes.
Basil: That's enough.
Austin: Okay. Basil, there's only one person in the world who truly understands the psychology of a madman.
Austin and Basil: [look at the camera] Dr. Evil.
Young Dr. Evil: [checking the class rankings] Hey everybody, I'm #1!
Young Number 2: Hello. I'm Number 2.
Young Dr. Evil: Pleased to meet you, Number 2. But now, I'm finally going to be this year’s international man of mystery! [laughs evilly]
[Young Number 2 laughs along with Young Dr. Evil]
Boy: [off screen] Shut your gob! [throws a cupcake at Dr. Evil]
Young Dr. Evil: Ow! [the students laugh] Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.
Austin: How can I find this Goldmember?
Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin: Yes. Squid pro row.
Dr. Evil: I give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison, so that I can be with my beloved Mini-Me.
Austin: What's wrong with your neck?
Nigel: I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Austin and Nigel: Ah, thank you!
Austin: Listen, dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.
Nigel: [looks back at the girls] All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. [Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.]
Austin: Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? [Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
Nigel: What, billy no mates? [What, alone?]
Austin: Too right, youth. [Indeed.]
Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? [Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! [The insane one?]
Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! [She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.]
Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... [A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck] [inaudiably] [????????...]
Austin and Nigel: -St. Regis tea kettle!
Nigel: And then, and then-
Austin and Nigel: She shat on a turtle! [laugh] Good times, good times.
[The wall then turns around to reveal...]
Goldmember: Welcome to noonteen sheventy five, Austin Powers and Fahza!
Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
Austin: ...What?
Goldmember: A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? [Austin shakes head] Shigar und a waffle? No? [Austin shakes head again] Pipe und a crepe? No? [again] Bong und a blintz?
Austin and Nigel: No.
Goldmember: Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
Austin: [quietly] That's not right.
Austin: You're insane, Goldmember.
Goldmember: And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. [mutters] KC and the Sunshine Band.
[Foxxy rolls her eyes in annoyance]
Nigel: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
Goldmember: [insulted] What? Take the fahza away! [the girls grab Nigel] Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears. [mutters] Walter Matthau.
Foxxy: Basil, what's happenin', baby?
Basil: A lot is happening, Foxxy. Dr. Evil has escaped! The good news is that one of our agents has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.
Austin: Excellent, Basil. We've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair; we now have that mole.
Basil:: Yes! Ah, and here he is.
[Number Three enters]
Austin: So you're the... [zooms up on the mole's mole] mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...
Foxxy: Mo-ost, most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.
Austin: Yes, most...excellent...agent...we've...ever seen.
Foxxy: Mm-hmmm.
Austin: [quietly to Foxxy] Thank you.
Number Three: Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo, Japan. [awkward pause] By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.
Austin: Where? [laughs nervously] What? Where's that mole? I...didn't see one.
Number Three: I also realize the irony that I am myself...a mole.
Austin: [nervously] No one would make that connection. [he and Foxxy look at each other]
Basil: [to Number Three] Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.
Austin: Yes, nice to mole you - meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Don't say "mole".
Foxxy: Stop it.
Austin: I said "mole".
Foxxy: Stop!
Number Three: Bye.
Austin: Mole. [Basil and Number Three approach the elevator] Mo-ole... [Basil holds up his finger] Mole!
Basil: [irritated] OH, SHUT UP! [leaves]
Austin: [tries to hold it in, but cannot] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
[An annoyed Number Three leaves also]
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen! [nobody laughs] Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...
Goldmember: [picking a piece of skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.
Dr. Evil: Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you? [Goldmember eats a piece of skin; disgusted] You did. Okay, that's just gross.
[Mini-Me cringes and shakes head]
Goldmember: Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.
Dr. Evil: Lower the globe!
Frau Farbassina: LOWER THE GLOBE!!!!
[Goldmember flinches, the globe falls onto Dr. Evil's head]
Dr. Evil: Ow! Ow!
Goldmember: Scheiße!
Dr. Evil: [now stuck] Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack-in-the-Box! Get it off, get it off! It's dark, it's dark! [Number 2 pulls the globe off his head] Okay, I'm okay. [Goldmember chuckles] Release the meteor!
Frau Frabassina: RELEASE THE METEOR!!!!
[Goldmember flinches again; Mini-me swings a gold meteor model into Dr. Evil's genitals]
Dr. Evil: [falls over] Ohh! Oh! Ohh, no way!
Goldmember: Right in the kinicke.
Dr. Evil: God damn it! Oh! Guys! [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards] Way to go, a-hole! Alright, hold on while I try and find my balls, for God's sakes. [whispers] 1, 2, and 3. [normally] Okay, I'm okay. [sits back down in his moving chair]
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we have the ultimate inshurance polishy. May I preshent to you, the very shexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!
Dr. Evil: His what?
Number 2: His fazha, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: His farjer? [Number 2 nods] What's a farjer?
Goldmember: His fazha, ya know the fazha.
Dr. Evil: Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv-boy?
Goldmember: Fazha, his dad. Dad is fazha.
Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. [realizes] Oh! His father.
Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that weird?
Dr. Evil: Father, Father. Ah, Nigel Powers.
Nigel: [enters with the guards] Hello, hello. [slaps Frau on her rear] Ha-ha-ha.
Dr. Evil: Bring him to me.
Nigel: Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is-is this the first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes, you attack me, one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go. [the two guards listen] Judo chop! [karate chops on 2 guards]
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Nigel: [to third guard] Do you know who I am? [the third guard nods] Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? [the third guard nods again] And look at you, you haven't even got a name tag. You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son. [the third guard complies] All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you still got a chance. [handgun chambers behind Nigel] Okay, okay, you got me.
Dr. Evil: Nigel Powers, I'd like you to meet Mini-me.
Nigel: Oh, blimey! [looks down at Mini-me] I thought I smelled cabbage.
Dr. Evil: Take him away!
[While Mini-Me leads Nigel out of the room]
Goldmember: Uh-uh, Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, ya know?
Dr. Evil: [piloting his chair over to Goldmember, and swivels it to look at him] How 'bout NO, you crazy Dutch bastard?!
[Goldmember gives an annoyance look]
Nigel: [to Mini-Me] So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion? [Mini-Me nods unsure] You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies...Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look. [Mini-Me unzips his pants] My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
[Mini-Me nods, smiling]
Austin: [gets off the basket, feeling disgusted with dirty sumo diapers, accidentally reveals himself] You really are a Fat Bastard!
Fat Bastard: You know, that hurts my feelings. I tried going on a diet. "The Zone", you know, "carbs are the enemy, and... [mumbles; notices Foxxy] Hey, who's your friend? Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly. Do you find me sexy? [rubs his breasts erotically] Oh look at my titties! [moans]
Foxxy: [snarky] Shut yo mouth!
[Fat Bastard spins and poses grossly]
Fat Bastard: Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know. But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewed. [beat; farts]
Austin: Did you just soil yourself?!
Fat Bastard: Maybe. It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Alright, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Ooh, even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
[After Scott gives Dr. Evil a couple of laser-beamed sharks as a present, they finally hug as father and son]
Dr. Evil: Alright, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out, come on! [Scott moves to get up] Not you, Scottie. [Number Two moves to get up] Not you, Number Two. [Frau moves to get up] Not you, Frau. [Goldmember moves to get up] Not you, Goldmember. [camera cuts to various henchmen around the sub] Not you guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something. [awkward silence, as everyone turns to look as Mini-Me] Oooh, this is uncomfortable.
Goldmember: Haha, the tiny one can't take a hint! He doesn't understand he is shmall, haha.
[Mini-Me became sad and feels dejected. He slowly rolls out of the room in his wheel chair, but not before flipping the bird at Dr. Evil, who is shocked in rage]
[Japanese translations]
Mr. Roboto: Watashi wa Roboto Industries no shachōdesu. Watashinonamaeha Mr. Robotodesu. [I am president of Roboto Industries. My name is Mr. Roboto.]
Austin: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. [Thank you, Mr. Roboto] [in English; to the audience] I thank you.
Foxxy: Kyūna go renraku nimokakawarazu go raiten itadaki arigatōgozaimashita.[Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.]
Austin: [surprised] You speak Japanese?
Foxxy: A little.
Austin: Well, you might be a cunning linguist. but I'm a master debater. [both laugh, then he turns to Mr. Roboto] I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.
Mr. Roboto: [holds out a mushroom to Austin] Shītake o tabete kudasai. [Please eat some shit.]
Austin: "Please eat" what?!
Foxxy: Wait. [removes the white cups revealing rest of subtitle] He said: "Please eat some shiitake mushrooms".
Austin: Tell me, what do you know about my father's where...about...s?
Mr. Roboto: Hmm... [walks up to his bookcase] Anata no ninmu wa fukōna monodesu. [Your ass is happy.]
Austin: "Your ass is happy"?
Foxxy: No. [pulls down a bookcase cover, revealing the rest of the subtitle] He said: "Your assignment is an unhappy one".
Austin: Oh!
Mr. Roboto: [to a Japanese woman in white] Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [I have a huge rod.]
[The woman gasps]
Austin: Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!
Mr. Roboto: Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [moves away from woman, revealing I have a huge rodent problem.]
Austin: Oh.
Mr. Roboto: Sukoshi hanashi ga soremasuga, zan'nen'na kotodesu. [A little off the topic but unfortunate nonetheless.]
Austin: Yes. Quite off-topic, thank you very much.
Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just-a speak in English?
Austin: That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it look like you're saying things that are dirty. [long pause, looks at the camera and winks]
Mr. Roboto: I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I can't help you. Please excuse me, I have another appointment.
[Austin and Foxxy politely stand and walk to the door]
Austin: [standing in the doorway] By the way, Kyodaina roddo o mottemasu...hoshīdesu.[I have a huge rod...I wish.] [closes the door, whispers quietly to Foxxy] Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy: [sarcastically] Tell me somethin' I don't know.
Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy: Say what?
Austin: That's something you don't know.
[A small replica of Godzilla runs amok in Tokyo. It’s revealed that Nigel’s Mini has run into the replica and is caught on it]
Japanese Man 1: Run! It's Godzilla!
Japanese Man 2: It only looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright Laws, it's not.
Man 1: Still, we should run like it is Godzilla!
Man 2: [looking at the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Though it isn't.
[Both men scream and flee]
Goldmember: Breaker-breaker one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over.
Dr. Evil: Ten-four there, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your ten-twenty? Over.
Goldmember: I've got Preparation H in my rear and Shmokey the Bear on my back pocket. We got us a convoy. Over.
Dr. Evil: Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts.
Number Three: Mini-Me has...switched sides.
Austin: [realizes] Oh! Oh! [looks at Mini-Me] Sorry about that, old chap. [waves] Welcome aboard. [Mini-Me shrugs; looks back at Number Three] My mole-stake. [covers his mouth]
Number Three: What? [Austin shakes head; sighs] Look, just get it out of your system.
Austin: No, I'm fine.
Number Three: I insist. We can work better if you just-
Austin: [losing it] MOLE! Bloody mole! We're not supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off, cut it up, and make some guaca-moley! [calming down]
Number Three: Better?
Austin: Yeah. [takes plant branch and pokes Number Three's mole with it]
[Mini-Me writes a note and gives it to Foxxy]
Foxxy: [reads] "Are you a clone of an angel?" Ohhh how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not. [Mini-Me hands her another note] "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yes, I'm sure. [Mini-Me hands het the last note] "Would you like to?"
[Both Austin and Mini-Me laugh it off]
Austin: [but stops and sees Foxxy's reaction] That is so not funny.
Dr. Evil: Get me the World Organization!
Colonel: [sounding fed up] What is it, Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, in a matter of hours a meteor will crash into Earth causing a global flood. That is of course unless you pay me...One billion, gajillion, fifillion, shabadoodloo, lemillron, shoing, koishilly, million...Yen.

Johnson: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
Colonel: Which one?
Johnson: It's the one that looks like a pair of-
[Cut to the fruit stand]
Woman: Melons! Big juicy melons! [holds two melons in front of her]
Man: Are they nice and firm?
Woman: Well, what do you think?
Man: [points to the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant-
[Cut to a football game; 4 men are cheering with the letters "T","I","T", and "S" painted on their chests]
2nd "T" Man: Hey! A and N, you're late!
[Two more men with the letters "A" and "N" arrive, forming "TITANS"]
"A" Man: How we doin’, man?!
All 6 men: Yeah! GO, TITANS!! Yeah!
"A" Man: Check it out! Those remind me of-
[Film pauses; cut to the Osbournes]
Ozzy: Boobs!
Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?
Ozzy: These filmmakers are just [bleep]ing boobs!
Kelly: What do you mean, Dad?
Ozzy: Well, they're usin' the same [bleep]ing joke they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
Sharon: What [bleep]ing joke?
Jack: You know, the [bleep]ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's-
[Cut back to the World Organization]
Colonel: Johnson?
Johnson: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Any sign of that satellite?
Johnson: No, sir. It's gone.
Goldmember: Not so fast, shmarty-pants! Dr. Evil, you might not want to destroy the world, but I doooo! Preparation H goes ahead as planned. I'm going to flood the Earth! [laughs]
Foxxy: Think again, Goldmember! [points her gun at Goldmember]
Goldmember: Ahh! Foxxy Cleopatra! It's a shame I had to kill your partner. Too bad for you-hoo!
Foxxy: Too bad for me? How 'bout too bad for you? [holds the key in her hand]
Goldmember: [in terror] Oh, no! (Foxxy drops the key into the shark tank)
Goldmember: [panics] No-ho-ho! No-ho-ho-ho! (composes himself) Luckily, I keep a shpare. [turns around and removes his genitals, turns around, and reveals another key] Look, every-vone! My vinky was a key!
Nigel: [in contempt] Only a bloody Dutchman.
[Austin falls and accidentally pulls Dr. Evil's pants, which reveals his butt with the tattoo on it]
Austin: You know, Dr. Evil, most people think you were crazy.
Dr. Evil: I know.
Austin: Now I can see you're nuts. [to the camera] I thank you. [smiles]
[Everyone surrounds the defeated Goldmember]
Foxxy: Goldmember. [he stands up] You're under arrest, sugar.
[Goldmember turns around, and it was John Travolta in the movie Austinpussy]
Goldmember (John Travolta): Hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what? [bites off the skin; the camera pulls out to reveal a movie theater. Austin, Foxxy, Dr. Evil, and Mini-Me were in the audience while enjoying their film] I am from Holland! Isn't that weird?! [showing off some groovy dance moves]
Fat Bastard: [now skinny] Hey Powers!
Austin: Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.
Fat Bastard: I went on the Subway diet. Y'know, just like Jared. I've lost 180 pounds.
Austin: Congratulations, baby.
Fat Bastard: Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, you know. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.
[Last lines]
Scott: I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly, now bald like Dr. Evil, then doing the disco dance]

Taglines

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  • He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots!
  • What do you call a swinger old enough to be your father? Daddy!
  • A New Breed of Evil.
  • This summer's biggest movie has a secret, baby!

Cast

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  Encyclopedic article on Austin Powers in Goldmember on Wikipedia

 
  Films     International Man of Mystery  (1997) · The Spy Who Shagged Me  (1999) · Goldmember  (2002)  
  Other     Ming Tea (musical group) · Space Jam: A New Legacy  (2021)  
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