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Austin Powers in Goldmember

2002 American spy comedy film directed by Jay Roach
For other films in this series, see Austin Powers (film series).

Austin Powers in Goldmember is a 2002 film in which Austin Powers, upon learning that his father has been kidnapped, must travel to 1975 and defeat the aptly-named villain Goldmember - who is working with Dr. Evil. The film was released in theaters July 26, 2002 in United States.

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.
He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots! taglines

Dialogue

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[First lines; From Austinpussy, a movie within a movie]
Austin (Tom Cruise): [takes off his glasses] Yeah Baby!
["Tom Cruise as Austin Powers" appears. Then sees the motorcyclist, who turns out to be a woman, and puts his glasses back on]
Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow): [walks up to him] Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. ["Gwyneth Paltrow as Dixie Normous" appears] I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.
Austin (Cruise): Well Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?
Dixie (Paltrow): Oh Austin, Behave!
[They kiss, until...]
Dr. Evil (Kevin Spacey): Hey, Powers! [they look at him] You better watch your friggin' self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. ["Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil" appears] Right, mini-me?
Mini-me (Danny Devito): [flipping the bird while smoking a cigar] Hey, assholes! ["Danny DeVito as Mini-Me" appears] I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me! [fires an automatic assault rifle in the air]
[The word "Austinpussy" appears, before it was revealed to be the movie studio]
Spielberg: So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of cinema is making a mooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby. Yeah! (laughs) Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Spielberg: Really? [holds up an Oscar] My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie... [holds up the word 'mojo'] ...but you've gotta have mojo baby. Yeah! [blows the word into colorful dust] Hit it!
[The theme song plays]
Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call...Preparation H. [Scott snickers] What?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good. [Scott resumes snickering] What is it now?
Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.
Dr. Evil: Well, I’m glad we're sprechen Sie the same lingitty, ja. Ladies and gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is...no one can stop me. Not even...Austin Powers. [laughs evilly]
[They all laugh maliciously, except Scott]
Austin Powers: [arrives with a gun] Not so fast. [the police aim their guns at Dr. Evil and Mini-Me] You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil: [defeated once again] Shit.
[Basil brings in three sailors]
Basil: Austin, these men were assigned to guard your father. [to the sailors] Okay, chaps. Chins up, trousers down. [to Austin] I think we may have found a clue.
[The sailors pull down their pants, and Austin is shocked to see what they have exposed]
Austin: Cor blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold! How bizarre! Imagine, gilded tally-whackers, golden wedding tackle, 14-karat trouser snakes.
Basil: That's enough.
Austin: Okay. Basil, there's only one person in the world who truly understands the psychology of a madman.
Austin and Basil: Dr. Evil.
Young Dr. Evil: [checking the class rankings] Hey everybody, I'm #1!
Young Number 2: Hello. I'm Number 2.
Young Dr. Evil: Pleased to meet you, Number 2. But now, I'm finally going to be this year’s international man of mystery! [laughs evilly]
[Young Number 2 laughs along with Young Dr. Evil]
Boy: [off screen] Shut your gob! [throws a cupcake at Dr. Evil]
Young Dr. Evil: Ow! [the students laugh] Who throws a cupcake? Honestly.
Austin: How can I find this Goldmember?
Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin: Yes. Squid pro row.
Dr. Evil: I give you Goldmember, you give me a transfer to a regular prison, so that I can be with my beloved Mini-Me.
Austin: Listen, dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.
Nigel: [looks back at the girls] All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. [Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.]
Austin: Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? [Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
Nigel: What, billy no mates? [What, alone?]
Austin: Too right, youth. [Indeed.]
Nigel: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? [Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
Austin: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! [The insane one?]
Nigel: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! [She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.]
Austin: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... [A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck] [inaudiably] [????????...]
Austin and Nigel: -St. Regis tea kettle!
Nigel: And then, and then-
Austin and Nigel: She shat on a turtle!
Austin and Nigel: Good times, good times. [The wall then turns around to reveal...]
Goldmember: Welcome to noonteen sheventy five Austin Powers and Fahza!
Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
Austin: ...What?
Goldmember: A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? [Austin shakes head] Shigar und a waffle? No? [Austin shakes head again] Pipe und a crepe? No? [again] Bong und a blintz?
Austin and Nigel: No.
Goldmember: Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
Austin: [quietly] That's not right.
Foxxy: Basil, what's happenin', baby?
Basil: A lot is happening, Foxxy. Dr. Evil has escaped! The good news is that one of our agents has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.
Austin: Excellent, Basil. We've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair; we now have that mole.
Basil:: Yes! Ah, and here he is.
[Number Three enters]
Austin: So you're the... [zooms up on the mole's mole] mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...
Foxxy: Mo-ost, most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.
Austin: Yes, most...excellent...agent...we've...ever seen.
Foxxy: Mm-hmmm.
Austin: [quietly to Foxxy] Thank you.
Number Three: Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo, Japan. [awkward pause] By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.
Austin: Where? [laughs nervously] What? Where's that mole? I...didn't see one.
Number Three: I also realize the irony that I am myself...a mole.
Austin: [nervously] No one would make that connection. [he and Foxxy look at each other]
Basil: [to Number Three] Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.
Austin: Yes, nice to mole you - meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Don't say "mole".
Foxxy: Stop it.
Austin: I said "mole".
Foxxy: Stop!
Number Three: Bye.
Austin: Mole. [Basil and Number Three approach the elevator] Mo-ole... [Basil holds up his finger] Mole!
Basil: [irritated] OH, SHUT UP! [leaves]
Austin: [tries to hold it in, but cannot] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
[An annoyed Number Three leaves also]
[Deleted scene in Infinifilm edition]
Dr. Evil: Goldmember, I have an anagram for you: "I fit iron dick."
Goldmember: Yes. "I fit iron dick." Yes, it's an anagram, so it's a jumble word. Okay, jumbling, jumbling...Carry the 7...Divided by...Yes...
Dr. Evil: Yeah, can't get it? "I fit iron dick," "frickin' idiot." (spells it to the tune to 'Old McDonald Had a Farm') F-r-i-c-k-i-n' i-d-i-o-t. With a frick-frick here and a frick-frick there; here a frick, there a frick, everywhere a frick-frick. Dr. Evil had a suuu-ubbb...filled with...frick-in idiots.
Dr. Evil: Lower the globe!
Frau Farbassina: LOWER THE GLOBE!!!!
[Goldmember flinches, the globe falls onto Dr. Evil's head]
Dr. Evil: Ow! Ow!
Goldmember: Scheiße!
Dr. Evil: [now stuck] Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack-in-the-Box! Get it off, get it off! It's dark, it's dark! [Number 2 pulls the globe off his head] Okay, I'm okay. [Goldmember chuckles] Release the meteor!
Frau Frabassina: RELEASE THE METEOR!!!!
[Goldmember flinches again; Mini-me swings a gold meteor model into Dr. Evil's genitals]
Dr. Evil: [falls over] Ohh! Oh! Ohh, no way!
Goldmember: Right in the kinicke.
Dr. Evil: God damn it! Oh! Guys! [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards] Way to go, a-hole! Alright, hold on while I try and find my balls, for God's sakes. [whispers] 1, 2, and 3. [normally] Okay, I'm okay. [sits back down in his moving chair]
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we have the ultimate inshurance polishy. May I preshent to you, the very shexual, the very toit, Austin Power's fahza!
Dr. Evil: His what?
Number 2: His fazha, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: His farjer? [Number 2 nods] What's a farjer?
Goldmember: His fazha, ya know the fazha.
Dr. Evil: Yeah, Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv-boy?
Goldmember: Fazha, his dad. Dad is fazha.
Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. [realizes] Oh! His father.
Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that weird?
Dr. Evil: Father, Father. Ah, Nigel Powers.
Nigel: [enters with the guards] Hello, hello. [slaps Frau on her rear] Ha-ha-ha.
Dr. Evil: Bring him to me.
Nigel: Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is-is this the first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes, you attack me, one at a time, and I knock you out with a single punch. Okay? Go. [the two guards listen] Judo chop! [karate chops on 2 guards]
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Nigel: [to third guard] Do you know who I am? [the third guard nods] Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years? [the third guard nods again] And look at you, you haven't even got a name tag. You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son. [the third guard complies] All right, Dr. Evil, give yourself up while you still got a chance. [handgun chambers behind Nigel] Okay, okay, you got me.
Dr. Evil: Nigel Powers, I'd like you to meet Mini-me.
Nigel: Oh, blimey! [looks down at Mini-me] I thought I smelled cabbage.
Dr. Evil: Take him away!
[While Mini-Me leads Nigel out of the room]
Goldmember: Uh-uh, Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, ya know?
Dr. Evil: [piloting his chair over to Goldmember, and swivels it to look at him] How 'bout NO, you crazy Dutch bastard!?
[{}=Japanese translations]
Mr. Roboto: Watashi wa Roboto Industries no shachōdesu. Watashinonamaeha Mr. Robotodesu. [I am president of Roboto Industries. My name is Mr. Roboto.]
Austin: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. [Thank you, Mr. Roboto] [in English; to the audience] I thank you.
Foxxy: Kyūna go renraku nimokakawarazu go raiten itadaki arigatōgozaimashita.[Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.]
Austin: [surprised] You speak Japanese?
Foxxy: A little.
Austin: Well, you might be a cunning linguist. but I'm a master debater. [both laugh, then he turns to Mr. Roboto] I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.
Mr. Roboto: [holds out a mushroom to Austin] Shītake o tabete kudasai. [Please eat some shit.]
Austin: "Please eat" what?!
Foxxy: Wait. [removes the white cups revealing rest of subtitle] He said: "Please eat some shiitake mushrooms".
Austin: Tell me, what do you know about my father's where...about...s?
Mr. Roboto: Hmm... [walks up to his bookcase] Anata no ninmu wa fukōna monodesu. [Your ass is happy.]
Austin: "Your ass is happy"?
Foxxy: No. [pulls down a bookcase cover, revealing the rest of the subtitle] He said: "Your assignment is an unhappy one".
Austin: Oh!
Mr. Roboto: [to a Japanese woman in white] Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [I have a huge rod.]
[The woman gasps]
Austin: Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!
Mr. Roboto: Nezumi no mondai ga shinkokudesu. [moves away from woman, revealing I have a huge rodent problem.]
Austin: Oh.
Mr. Roboto: Sukoshi hanashi ga soremasuga, zan'nen'na kotodesu. [A little off the topic but unfortunate nonetheless.]
Austin: Yes. Quite off-topic, thank you very much.
Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just-a speak in English?
Austin: That would be a good idea, now, wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it look like you're saying things that are dirty.
Mr. Roboto: [lies] I'm sorry to hear about your father, but I can't help you. Please excuse me, I have another appointment.
[Austin and Foxxy politely stand and walk to the door]
Austin: [standing in the doorway] By the way, Kyodaina roddo o mottemasu...hoshīdesu.[I have a huge rod...I wish.] [closes the door, whispers quietly to Foxxy] Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy: [sarcastically] Tell me somethin' I don't know.
Austin: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy: Say what?
Austin: That's something you don't know.
[A small replica of Godzilla runs amok in Tokyo. It’s revealed that Nigel’s Mini has run into the replica and is caught on it]
Japanese Man 1: Run! It's Godzilla!
Japanese Man 2: It only looks like Godzilla, but due to International Copyright Laws, it's not.
Man 1: Still, we should run like it is Godzilla!
Man 2: [looking at the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Though it isn't.
[Both men scream and flee]
Goldmember: Breaker-breaker one-niner, this is Goldie Wang. Over.
Dr. Evil: Ten-four there, Goldie Wang. This is Rubber Duckie. What's your ten-twenty? Over.
Goldmember: I've got Preparation H in my rear and Shmokey the Bear on my back pocket. We got us a convoy. Over.
Dr. Evil: Yee-haw! Copy that, you son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts.
Number Three: Mini-Me has... switched sides.
Austin: [realizes] Oh! Oh! [looks at Mini-Me] Sorry about that, old chap. [waves] Welcome aboard. [Mini-Me shrugs; looks back at Number Three] My mole-stake. [covers his mouth]
Number Three: What? [Austin shakes head; sighs] Look, just get it out of your system.
Austin: No, I'm fine.
Number Three: I insist. We can work better if you just-
Austin: [losing it] MOLE! Bloody mole! We're not supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I'm gonna chop it off, cut it up, and make some guaca-moley! [calming down]
Number Three: Better?
Austin: Yeah. [takes plant branch and pokes Number Three's mole with it]
Johnson: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
World Leader: Which one?
Johnson: It's the one that looks like a pair of-
[Cut to the fruit stand]
Woman: Melons! Big juicy melons! [holds two melons in front of her]
Man: Are they nice and firm?
Woman: Well, what do you think?
Man: [points to the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant-
[Cut to a football game; 4 men are cheering with the letters "T","I","T", and "S" painted on their chests]
2nd "T" Man: Hey! A and N, you're late!
[Two more men with the letters "A" and "N" arrive, forming "TITANS"]
"A" Man: How we doin’, man?!
All 6 men: Yeah! GO, TITANS!! Yeah!
"A" Man: Check it out! Those remind me of-
[Film pauses; cut to the Osbournes]
Ozzy: Boobs!
Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?
Ozzy: These filmmakers are just [bleep]'ing' boobs!
Kelly: What do you mean, Dad?
Ozzy: Well, they're usin' the same [bleep]ing joke they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
Sharon: What [bleep]ing joke?
Jack: You know, the [bleep]ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's-
[Cut back to the World Organization]
Leader: Johnson?
Johnson: Yes, sir?
Leader: Any sign of that satellite?
Johnson: No, sir. It's gone.
Goldmember: Not so fast, shmarty-pants! Dr. Evil, you might not want to destroy the world, but I doooo! Preparation H goes ahead as planned. I'm going to flood the Earth! [laughs]
Foxxy: Think again, Goldmember! [points her gun at Goldmember]
Goldmember: Ahh! Foxxy Cleopatra! It's a shame I had to kill your partner. Too bad for you-hoo!
Foxxy: Too bad for me? How 'bout too bad for you? [holds the key in her hand]
Goldmember: [in terror] Oh, no! (Foxxy drops the key into the shark tank)
Goldmember: [panics] No-ho-ho! No-ho-ho-ho! (composes himself) Luckily, I keep a shpare. [turns around and removes his genitals, turns around, and reveals another key] Look, every-vone! My vinky was a key!
Nigel: [in contempt] Only a bloody Dutchman.
[Goldmember turns around, and it was John Travolta in the movie Austinpussy]
Goldmember (John Travolta): Hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last shmoke and a pancake or what? [bites off the skin] I am from Holland! Isn't that weird?! [showing off some groovy dance moves]
Fat Bastard: Hey Powers!
Austin: Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.
Fat Bastard: I went on the Subway diet. Y'know, just like Jared. I've lost 180 pounds.
Austin: Congratulations, baby.
Fat Bastard: Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, you know. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.
[Last lines]
Scott: I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers! [laughs evilly, like Dr. Evil, then doing the disco dance]

Taglines

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  • He's still evil... He's still deadly... and he's still surrounded by frickin' idiots!
  • What do you call a swinger old enough to be your father? Daddy!
  • A New Breed of Evil.
  • This summer's biggest movie has a secret, baby!

Cast

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  Encyclopedic article on Austin Powers in Goldmember on Wikipedia

 
  Films     International Man of Mystery  (1997) · The Spy Who Shagged Me  (1999) · Goldmember  (2002)  
  Other     Ming Tea (musical group)  
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