[after Reuben has just caught Lisa having an affair with the scuba diving instructor]
Claude: It's like zee story of zee heeppo.
Reuben Feffer: I'm not familiar with that story.
Claude: Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, "Cool beans. I am a heeppo." No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, "Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it." As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo. You understand zis, Luban?
Reuben Feffer: [long pause] I'm gonna kill you!
Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes, please?
Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.
Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
Reuben Feffer: You're on the non-plan plan!
Polly Prince: I am NOT on the non-plan plan!
Polly Prince: I'm not going to marry you Reuben.
Reuben Feffer: I don't want to get married. I just want to take you to dinner...sometime this week.
Polly Prince: Can I pick the place?
Irving Feffer: It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christ's sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if you are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what... when you least expect, something great might come along. Something better than you even planned for.
Stan Indursky: Good things.
Reuben Feffer: So whose party is this again?
Sandy Lyle: It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost. His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot. [pause]
Sandy Lyle: Oh, man, I'm so friggin' horny.
Reuben Feffer: (yelps) Rat! Rat in the house!
Polly Prince : Oh, no, no. This is Rodolfo. He's a ferret.
Reuben Feffer: No, Lisa. I never should've asked you to come down here. I'm not going back together with you.
Lisa Kramer: What are you talking about? Why?
Reuben Feffer: "Why?" You screwed a scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon. I mean, what kind of cold heartless bitch would do that to someone they love. I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that. Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay. They serve no purpose, their purely decorative.
Claude: Oh my stars and strips, Leuben! I cannot believe it is you!