Ally McBeal/Season 5

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Ally McBeal was an American television legal comedy-drama starring Calista Flockhart, created by David E. Kelley. The show ran on the FOX network from 1997 to 2002.

Friends and Lovers [5.01]

Judge Ling [5.02]

Neutral Corners [5.03]

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Well, that's the trouble, I suppose, in coming at people with honesty. They sometimes counter with it.

Claire Otoms: I've always found, the funny thing about love is it's the one game you lose by refusing to play.

Fear of Flirting [5.04]

Jenny Shaw: You're a woman, for god's sake. Be a man!

I Want Love [5.05]

Ally McBeal: Jenny, the wrong ones can't hurt you. But the right ones, they're the killers.

Ling Woo: Oh God they got a new singer here? I can't keep up.

Nelle Porter: You don't know who that is?

Ling Woo: Why, should I?

Nelle Porter: That's Elton John!

Ling Woo: What is he doing here?

Nelle Porter: He's getting ready to tour or something. He's trying out material.

Ling Woo: Well can we get him to turn it down?

Raymond Millbury: Tell me something, what do you think of me and Jenny?

Richard Fish: It's hard to tell... really it could be because I don't care.

Tim Boyle: You know that's another thing I don't like about younger women, they tend to run scared.

Lost and Found [5.06]

John Cage: I can't believe it! You're lip-synching your response!

Richard Fish: I had a lot to say. I wanted to make sure I...

John Cage: And you can't give it to me LIVE?

Richard Fish: Nobody does their best work LIVE.

Elaine Vassal: [After hearing that Ally broke up with Glenn] Oh, Ally, I just want you to know that I am here for you.

Ally McBeal: Yes, and what am I gonna do about that?

Judge Seymore Walsh: Nobody has rights. People have privileges and those privileges are lost when they violate the law.

Nine One One [5.07]

Playing with Matches [5.08]

Blowin' in the Wind [5.09]

Richard Fish: You know, Ally, no matter how low I set the bar of common sense, you amaze me in your ability to slither under it.

Fish: Women shouldn't enjoy sex. Period. If God wanted that, he'd have given them penises.

Michael Walker: Had we met, I'm sure it would have been a great honor.

Jenny Shaw: I will see what furniture I want! When I want!

Glenn Foy: I so much as see you with an ottoman we're done, as simple as that!

One Hundred Tears [5.10]

Elaine Vassal: Sorry I'm late.

Harriet Pumple: Oh, Elaine, you can go first - since some of us seem to be resistant. Now, specifically what do you look for in a man?

John Cage: A pulse and a penis. Not necessarily in that order.

A Kick in the Head [5.11]

The New Day [5.12]

Ally McBeal: Prejudice comes in smooth reads, by the way, because bigots cannot spell.

Woman [5.13]

Homecoming [5.14]

Claire Otoms: Pain doesn't decompose when you bury it,

Ally McBeal: How do you care about someone within minutes of meeting them?

Heart and Soul [5.15]

Beth Herman: I don't owe you an explanation Ms. Otoms.

Claire Otoms: No. [Stands hovering, waiting] I find that if I hang around long enough I often get one.

Love Is All Around: Part 1 [5.16]

Liza Bump: [To Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or I have to pull a string?

Liza Bump: [Facetiously] Please don't make me try this case. I'm not prepared!

John Cage: [Regarding Liza Bump] All right. Your Honor, let the record reflect she just grazed my johnson.

Nell Porter: [After Liza Bump leaves] John? We have to get that little bitch.

John Cage: Have no fear, Nelle. She is a bagel.

Nell Porter: A bagel?

John Cage: I meant to say toast. No fear.

Liza Bump: Sorry I'm late. Pedestrians. I brake for them. New Year's Rezzy.

Richard Fish: Look, Liza. We're lawyers. It's our job to make people hate each other. You can't hold us liable...

Todd Merrick: You're going to need to learn to ignore whatever I say last.

Todd Merrick: I asked you out.

Ally McBeal: Why?

Todd Merrick: Because I like to fight. I love neurosis and I see you as someone I could live miserably ever after with. [Ally gives him a look] I mean that in a good way. You push my buttons.

Liza Bump: [Letting go of John's cheek] Pinch a cheek, let go. Duh! Common sense, I'm young, I'll learn.

Love Is All Around: Part 2 [5.17]

Ally McBeal: You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate.

John Cage: [To Liza Bump] Look, you little VIXEN.

John Cage: [Referring to Liza Bump] Oh, I am going to GET her.

Liza Bump: I am through fooling around with you people. The longer this trial goes, the worse it gets for you. If you let it keep going, YOUR client will end up having to pay us. [To John Cage] I'm sure you used to be good. Today? You try cases like a mariachi singer. [To Nelle Porter] And you? Love your hair.

Tom Dooley [5.18]

John Cage: The law is the law, Liza. And she *broke* it.

Liza Bump: John, in some states, oral sex is against the law. You don't see people getting thrown in jail for that.

John Cage: Bigamy is a little more serious.

Liza Bump: [Coyly] You don't take oral sex seriously?

John Cage: [Flustered] We're both on the same side here. Would you please STOP trying to RATTLE me?

Liza Bump: Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

Judge Seymour Walsh: Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you to proceed without the nonsense.

John Cage: [Reading notes] Okay, uh... Mmm, no, I'm sorry. All I had left was nonsense. [Sits back down]

A.D.A. Tisbury: How many more men do you plan to marry, Mrs. - is it Carrens or Lewiston?

Nicole Naples: It's Naples. It... sounds like you disapprove.

A.D.A. Tisbury: Well, bigamy is not my choice for a lifestyle.

Nicole Naples: So you agree it's a choice?

A.D.A. Tisbury: No, I don't.

Nicole Naples: So it's not a choice?

A.D.A. Tisbury: I'm asking the questions here.

Nicole Naples: So you agree it's a question?

A.D.A. Tisbury: No. It's not even a question.

Nicole Naples: Then what do you have to ask me?

A.D.A. Tisbury: Your Honor...

Judge Seymour Walsh: Ms. Naples?

Liza Bump: [Squeezing John Cage's face] Isn't HE like a cute little stuffy? And such a good little lawyer. Yes, you are.

John Cage: All right.

Liza Bump: Yes, you are!

Judge Seymour Walsh: Mr. Cage, one more outburst, I will tape your mouth SHUT. Do not think I'm kidding. Now sit.

Nicole Naples: It's always tough on the husbands, isn't it?

Another One Bites the Dust [5.19]

Ally McBeal: Okay, the- the- buttock, the- the CONTRACT called for no minimum.

Ally McBeal: How many couples do you know go to the Caribbean to have polite sex?

Ally McBeal and Victor Morrison: It's not like we were having so much fun talking. You barely said a poop. Victor quickly intervenes, Peep.

Claire Otoms: [Referring to Liza Bump] Little sweaty Betty.

Barry Dekumbis: I want you to know, because I don't hand out compliments freely... you are the scummiest, most disgusting attorneys I have ever encountered.

Wilson Jade: Thank you.

Barry Dekumbis: They set the bar so low. And you just slithered under it.

Wilson Jade: We try.

What I'll Never Do for Love Again [5.20]

Claire Otoms: Well, if it can't be me, I hope it's you.

Charlie Fish: Love without sex is an empty experience. Sr. Fishism.

Richard Fish: From now on, first rule of management, hire ugly assistants.

All of Me [5.21]

Liza Bump: [To John Cage] Earth to Square Pants!

Liza Bump: I just want you to see me as a lawyer... and a sexual object. Could you do that please?

Richard Fish: Love is about being both soft and hard, it's like a penis. Fishism.

John Cage: What are you thinking?

Ally McBeal: Hmm... just replaying all the things ever said to me. [Smiling at him] The best ones always come from you.

Bygones [5.22]

Richard: All right. Everybody, uh, here? Uh, seats, please. I...I have an announcement.

Nelle: Oh, don't tell me. You're changing the name to Fish, McBeal and Bump.[Looks at Liza.]

Ally McBeal: [As she walks backwards] Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I must be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying?

External links

Ally McBeal/Season 5 quotes at the Internet Movie Database