Ally McBeal/Season 4

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Ally McBeal was an American television legal comedy-drama starring Calista Flockhart, created by David E. Kelley. The show ran on the FOX network from 1997 to 2002.

Sex, Lies & Second Thoughts [4.01]

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody; Maybe not... but the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me...

Girl's Night Out [4.02]

Ally McBeal: I have a friend who refuses to get a pet because he says in the end they die and it's just too hard... maybe it's the same with relationship.

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Cindy McCauliff: How DARE you.

Richard Fish: I didn't TELL him!

Cindy McCauliff: You were ABOUT to!

Richard Fish: No, no, no. I was just ...

Cindy McCauliff: You had NO right.

Richard Fish: Mark is a FRIEND of mine!

Cindy McCauliff: I've HAD boyfriends before. Things have been JUST fine.

Richard Fish: They have? Wait, how?

Cindy McCauliff: I tell them I'm Catholic.

Richard Fish: I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought ...

Cindy McCauliff: I tell them I'm against pre-marital sex!

Richard Fish: No, I'm still confused. What other kind of sex IS there?

Two's a Crowd [4.03]

Richard Fish: It's not easy finding a person to love in this world. whoever you end up with, she won't be perfect.

Love on Holiday [4.07]

Nelle: You can sit anywhere you like. Is there a required time limit thing?

Dr. Greg Barrett: For What?

Nelle: Our date.

Dr. Greg Barrett: Is this it? A trip to your office?

Nelle: I'm busy. I can talk for five minutes to make it official.

Dr. Greg Barrett: Are you serious?

Nelle: You really expect me to date a man who bids on women at auctions?

Dr. Greg Barrett: If I'm willing to date a woman who allows herself to be bought.

Nelle: That was for charity.

Dr. Greg Barrett: Yes. And you seem like a real giver.

Nelle: [Holds up a clock] Hey! What do you know? Time's up.

Dr. Greg Barrett: Guess it flies when you're having fun.

Nelle: Let's see if you can fly, Superman. I'll open a window.

Reasons to Believe [4.09]

John "The Biscuit" Cage: It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion.

Ally McBeal: Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they?

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Such as?

Ally McBeal: Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.

The Ex-Files [4.10]

Nell Porter: Ling, uh, do you still like this guy?

Ling Woo: No! No, I- I'm with Richard now. I- I... I might... I mean, he's not Richard.

Nell Porter: Oh, come on. Richard has the depth of an ashtray. He's got nothing to offer but money and sperm, and you know it.

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Nelle Porter: You having fun with this case?

Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.

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Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name?

Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew...

Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me.

Jackson Duper: Look...

Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted?

Jackson Duper: No.

Ling Woo: Certainly not by me.

Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk

Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something.

Jackson Duper: Look...

Ling Woo: We're back to look.

Jackson Duper: Hey...

Ling Woo: We're back to hey.

Jackson Duper: Ling...

Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I gave it to you. What an odd thing to do.

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[Ally is outraged when Ling convinces a dying boy that he could sue God]

Ling Woo: Do you know how his father died?

Ally McBeal: No. Do you?

Ling Woo: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee.

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Elaine Vassal: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear.

Ally McBeal: I won't be in that pinch.

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Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?

Ally McBeal: They're mine.

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Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing?

Ally McBeal: Bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me!

Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: Get out.

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John "The Biscuit" Cage: Have no fear, Nelle, that girl is a bagel!

Nelle Porter: Bagel?

John "The Biscuit" Cage: [pauses] I meant to say 'toast.'

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Ally McBeal: I am good in bed, Renee.

[Renee laughs]

Ally McBeal: What?

Renée Radick: Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you...

[Renee imitates small whining noises]

Ally McBeal: I don't sound like that.

Renée Radick: I make more noise breaking in a new shoe.

Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive...

Renée Radick: I'm even hot.

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Greg: You kicked him?

Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend.

Greg: You only kick pretend people?

Ally McBeal: [Pause] Yes.

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Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...

Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?

Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.

Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.

Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

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John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.

Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.

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Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard.

Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction.

Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction?

Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not?

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Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex?

Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv.

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Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.

Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?

Mr. Bo [4.11]

Ally McBeal: Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?

Richard Fish: [Sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?

Ally McBeal: Not... really.

Richard Fish: Mmm-hmm. Did I interview you for the job?

Ally McBeal: No.

Richard Fish: Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?

Ally McBeal: No.

Richard Fish: So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you? [Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]

Ally McBeal: So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.

Richard Fish: What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...

Ally McBeal: [Turning to walk out] I can't believe this.

Richard Fish: Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

Reach Out and Touch [4.13]

Steven Milter: Your honor, I'm not comfortable with the response. I'm gonna go ahead and object.

Judge Seymour Walsh: Over-ruled.

The Pursuit of Unhappiness [4.17]

Jackson Duper: You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues.

Ally McBeal: My issues? What are my issues?

Jackson Duper: Look, lady.

Ally McBeal: Ally.

Larry: Jackson.

Jackson Duper: First, you're kissing me.

Ally McBeal: [Gesturing to Larry] I thought you were him.

Jackson Duper: Then you climbed into bed.

Ally McBeal: [Gesturing to Renee] I thought you were her.

Jackson Duper: Then your hands were all up on my privates.

Ally McBeal: Well, because I thought it was the remote control.

Larry: Hold on!

Jackson Duper: You found the remote, now, didn't you?

Queen Bee [4.21]

Jackson Duper: Alright, let's hold on here. There are a lot of emotions on the surface.

Ms. Parks: Oh, shut up, Pretty Boy. Nobody likes a Pretty Boy.

Home Again [4.22]

Ally McBeal: [Larry is out with another woman] Hey, Larry.

Larry Paul: Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.

Helena Fisher: Hello.

Ally McBeal: [Still glaring at Larry] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month.

Larry Paul: Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John.

John Cage: Hey-y.

Ally McBeal: Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?

Larry Paul: [Wiping whipped cream off his face] Oh, uh, well, um... nothin'.

Helena Fisher: Nothing.

Ally McBeal: Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it. [Dumps Larry's ice cream on his head] Hmm. Are you done?

Helena Fisher: [Nods] Mmm-hmm.

Ally McBeal: Good. [Dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head] Oh, this will just warm you up. [Pours hot fudge on Larry's head] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute.

Helena Fisher: Take your time.

Ally McBeal: [Sprays Larry with whipped cream] There we go. Okay. Come on, John.

John Cage: Bye now.

Helena Fisher: She seems nice.

Larry Paul: She's a sweetheart.

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John Cage: [Answers his phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?

Richard Fish: I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.

John Cage: Well, don't- don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.

Richard Fish: No, you don't. You feed ME the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.

The Wedding [4.23]

Richard Fish: I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?

John Cage: Well as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice.

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Dr. Benjamin Harris: The reason that this case is rather special is that Malcolm he's a bit of a necrophiliac

Ally McBeal: a What?

Dr. Benjamin Harris: He almost never leaves the house except to go to school.

External links

• Ally McBeal/Season 4 quotes at the Internet Movie Database