All That

Bold text All That (1994-2000, 2002-05, 2019-20) is an American sketch comedy television series created by Brian Robbins and Mike Tollin for Nickelodeon.

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First Run (seasons 1-6)

Josh Server

Himself [to Kenan, after getting amnesia due to a concussion from a falling spotlight]: "'Josh'. 'Josh'. Why does everyone keep calling me 'Josh'? My name is Lord Swainsboro of Fontcastle...you lout."

Kenan Thompson: "'Lout'? Who you callin' a 'lout'?"

Kenan (to Katrina Johnson): "Hey, what's a lout?"

Katrina: "I don't know. But he's Lord Swainsboro of Fontcastle."

Lori Beth Denberg: "Well, ever since he got hit on the head, he thinks he's an English gentleman from the 18th century."

Katrina: "Oh, c'mon; cut it out, Josh. This isn't funny."

Josh: "Gentlepeople! I must ask you to refrain from calling me by this...'Josh'. My name is Lord Swainsboro of Fontcastle."

Lori Beth: "We gotta snap him outta this before the show starts."

Katrina: "Yeah; he's in the first scene."

Josh (to Katrina): "Ah, good lady, I beg your pardon. But the only appointment on my schedule today is for afternoon tea. I'm meeting Lord Worcestershire at 4 PM this very day."

Kenan: "Oh, he's been goin' off the deep end; see, somethin' wrong. Somethin' wrong."

(Amanda Bynes walks in)

Amanda: "Hi, everybody!"

Kenan: "'Manda!"

(They fist-bump)

Lori Beth: "Hi, Amanda, hi."

Josh: "Oh; what a delightful young cherub."

(He kneels before Amanda)

Amanda: "What's with him?"

Kenan: "He got hit in the head with a light. Now he think he Lord Fruitcake of Freakspit."

(Detective Dan has just entered a classroom at Dullmont Jr. High School, thinking that it was a bank being robbed.)

Detective Dan: "I'm Detective Dan! Everybody up against the wall, and nobody move!"

Student [Amanda Bynes]: "Um...Detective Dan...how are we supposed to get up against the wall without moving?"

Detective Dan: "I'm Detective Dan."

Student [Bynes]: "That explains nothing."

(Detective Dan is investigating the theft of Mrs. Lipschitz's [Lori Beth Denberg] jewelry; he then notices Charles, the butler, who has the jewelry, but Detective Dan still doesn't suspect him)

Detective Dan: "You! You there! I'd like a couple'a words with ya!"

Charles (guest star Douglas Brush [1921-2004]): "Uh...yes?"

Detective Dan: "You wouldn't happen to know who mighta stolen Mrs. Lipschitz's jewelry, would ya?"

Charles: "No. Not really. No."

Detective Dan: "Seen anything at all...suspicious around here?"

Charles: "No. Can't say that I have."

Detective Dan: "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis."

Detective Dan: "Wait a minute! Where was I when this robbery was takin' place? Hmmmm...boys! Beat me, and then push me so I go flyin' out the window!"

(The officers [Christy Knowings and Danny Tamberelli] accompanying Detective Dan do as he says.)

Bernie: "My name is Bernie Kibbitz. AND I NEED PANTS!"

Jerry Futile [the host of You Can't Win!]: "How many shoes?....Oo-oo-oo, wrong! The answer was nine. Nine shoes."

Jerry Futile: "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!"

Emily Maroon: "Wall...wall hit face. It hurt."

Toby Braun: "I give you...The Board!"

Toby Braun: "Forget that bicycle! Forget that treadmill! Forget that thing I was tryin' to sell you last week! The Board is the only piece of fitness equipment you and your loved ones will ever need!"

Toby Braun: "Check the pulse...irregular; good!"

Toby Braun: "With The Brute, you don't need a telephone!"

(The Brute destroys the telephone.)

The Brute [guest star Ron Lester]: "I like flowers."

Toby Braun: "ME, TOO!"

Walter the Earboy: "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!"

Superdude [Thompson]: "Well, if it isn't Milk Man!"

Milk Man: "'Udderly' correct...Superdude! Hope my little visit doesn't sour your day!"

Superdude: "That's putting it mildly! Last time I saw you, you were rotting in prison!"

Milk Man: "And I have you to thank for putting me there! I hate when someone spoils my fun!"

Jimmy Bond: "Wow, that is some penny!"

Julio [Miss Piddlin's assistant]: "Miss Piddlin? Here--here's more peas. Isn't that a lovely thing, more peas? I was just gonna set 'em down very slowly..."

Tandy Spork (on the "Randy and Mandy" sketch, after Mandy [Angelique Bates] has left, and Randy is looking for a new cohost): "Chocolate? Randy, once you've tasted the magical freshness of carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, you'll find that you won't even want to eat that nasty, silly chocolate anymore!"

Mumbly Spice: "Flick in blob, a wig a wang jang blang; I mean, pop music, if it is, puh-tuh, hmmm, I mean cleeto, please, clang, you know."

Lori Beth Denberg

Herself [on Vital Information]:

•"If your face looks like a fig, and it's your birthday...then happy birthday, fig face!"

[The audience laughs]

"Thank you".

•"Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!"

•"If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor...don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom".

(Season 2, episode 1: Naughty by Nature)

•"It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to blow your nose in your sister's pants".

(Season 3, episode 2: Montell Jordan)

•"When eating pizza, it's good to yell at the top of your lungs, 'I JUST LOVE-A THE PIZZA PIE! 'I JUST LOVE-A THE PIZZA PIE!".

•"'How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood'? Ya know, I...couldn't care less".

•"If you throw up on a crowded elevator, try yelling, 'Oh, I just shouldn't have eaten the pizza pie'".

(Season 3, episode 4: Dru Hill)

•"Never take a taco, sit on it, and then run around screaming, 'HEY; LOOK AT THE TACO STAIN ON MY BUTT!".

(Season 1, episode 7: Coolio)

•"If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin'".

•"It's not safe to ride your bike with no hands. It's impossible to ride your bike with no rear end".

•"One potato, two potato, three potato, four. I rode a bike that had no seat, and now my butt is sore".

•"When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's cold".

•"If you have a friend who says, 'I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy'...then you've got one weird friend".

•"If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it".

•"It's not...'okay' to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants".

•"If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, 'Lookit, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!'".

•"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder...how in the world that song ever became so popular".

•"There's no real reason to play basketball naked".

•"If your first name is Wally, and your middle name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is...WALLY WALLY WOO!"

•"If your first name is Brucifer, and your middle name is Yapstiddy, and your last name is Magoogoo, then CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR FULL NAME IS BRUCIFER YAPSTIDDY MAGOOGOO!"

•"When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say 'Oh, I don't need any bags. I just stick the food in my pants!".

(Season 2, episode 3: "Da Brat")

•"Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming, 'Hey, look who's got your sandwich now!'".

•"When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your new friend...Robert".

•"Don't pour soup on yourself and then run around shouting, 'HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME; I'M...SOUPGIRL!'"

•"Never put glue on a cow and then taunt him by saying, 'Sticky cow, sticky cow; WHOO-OO, sticky cow!'"

(Season 1, episode 4: "Immature")

•"On Halloween, it's fun to go up to people's doors and say, 'Trick-or-treat'. On Groundhog Day, it's fun to go up to people's doors and say, 'It's Groundhog Day. Now, let me look between your toes!'".

•"Never spit on someone and then say, 'That's what spit feels like'".

•"If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice".

•"If you can't stand the heat...don't just start throwin' rocks at people".

(•"If your sister gets a phone call, and you answer it, don't say, 'My sister ain't here. She's out in the yard, floppin' in the mud!'".

Season 2, episode 17: Faith Evans)

•"Homework...'bad'. Pizza...'good'".

•"Ice cream tastes 'good'. Armpits taste 'bad'".

•"If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be...this olllld burrito!"

(•"It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face, and then run around screaming, 'LOOK AT ME; I'M PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!'".

•"When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair."

•"Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy you...PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!"

Season 2, episode 14: Deborah Cox)

•"It's nice to stop and smell the flowers. It's weird to stop and smell...this olllld burrito!"

•"If you smell smoke in your house, yell 'Fire!'. If you smell smoke in your pants, yell 'Why am I smelling my pants?!'".

•"If your Mom's friend comes over with her new baby, don't say, 'Help me, Mama; that's one lousy baby!'".

•"If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, 'Hey, thanks for the pizza...now, could you help me put it in my pants?'".

•"If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say, 'Oh, nothing. My mouth's fulla spit'".

•"The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't want the worm!"

•"Never put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my pretty new hat'".

•"It is better to sit there and look stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, 'HEY, I'M DEFINITELY STUPID!'"

•"If you like wearing a T-shirt that says, 'I'm extremely stupid'...well, then, you're extremely stupid".

•"Girls...it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish, and then people you've invented the 'double-cup aquarium'".

(Season 2, episode 17: Faith Evans)

•"Stupid is as stupid does. So, if you're stupid...then, so are the stupid things you does!"

•"If you find your little brother wearing your bra, don't say, 'Hey, little brother...WHAT IN THE NAME OF WEIRDNESS ARE YA DOIN' WEARIN' MY BRA, YA FREAK?!".

•"Having a mouse in your pants is weird. Building a tiny gymnasium in your pants for the mouse to work out in is downright peculiar".

(Season 3, episode 9: Mint Condition)

•"Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit with a melon...and I still don't care".

•"What goes up must come down. What goes up your nose...must get gooey".

•"Contrary to popular belief, Jack Sprat can eat fat. Ya just gotta hold Jack down, and shove that fat down his throat!"

•"10 million years ago, dinosaurs ruled the Earth. 10 minutes ago, I ruled the women's restroom". (It would actually be more appropriate to say something like, "10 million years ago, horses ruled the Earth", since the dinosaurs had become extinct 55 million years earlier; see The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs and Prehistoric Animals: A Visual Who's Who of Prehistoric Life, 3rd edition [©2013] by Prof. Barry Cox et al., and edited by Dr. Douglas Palmer, for details)

(•"If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you can't stand being dressed, stay out of your pants".

•"Step on a crack, and break your mother's back. Step on a rusty nail, and you'll go, 'WHOOOOOOOA!!'".

Season 3, episode 7: 702)

•"Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. Who's this guy Moe, and why is he so eenie, meenie, and miney?"

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place to exchange ideas and information!"

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for research."

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself."

Miss Fingerly: "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I myself consumed a tasty chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pie...cock-a-doodle-pie!"

(In Miss Fingerly's class, one of the students, Jenny [Bynes], has invited some friends to celebrate her birthday, even though it's not her actual birthday, and they started singing "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow")

Miss Fingerly: "As far as I'm concerned, Jenny is not a jolly nor good and...clearly she's no fellow! Now, please; stop interrupting!"

Loud Librarian: "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" (blows airhorn)

Herself: "I want a rhinoceros...carved out of pure gold!"*

Santa Claus: "So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?"

Lori Beth: "Hmmm, no."

Santa Claus: "Bye-bye!"

Lori Beth: "Seeya, Santa."

Sweaty Woman: "You two couldn't be more wrong! It's Superdude!"

Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for hiney-slappin'!"

Loud Librarian: "Noisy! I thought I told you no talking! You talk, you walk!"

Loud Librarian: "SILENCE! QUIET! STIFLE! HUSH! SHHH!"

Loud Librarian: "SILENCE! NEVER ENTER THIS LIBRARY AGAIN!"

Loud Librarian: [after closing the door and ringing the bell that she has recently put on it] "HUSH, BELL! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A RINGAMERRARIUM!"

Loud Librarian: "SILENCE! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A SNEEZE HALL!"

Loud Librarian: "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!"

Loud Librarian: "I SAID 'SHUSH'! CAN'T YOU HEAR MY WORDS?!"

Other character [Knowings]: "You are not a very good librarian."

Loud Librarian: "EVERYONE, QUIET! YOU SQUEAK...I FREAK!"

Other character [Bynes]: "I'm sorry. I thought this was the library--"

Loud Librarian: "WRONG...THIS IS THE LIBRARY, AND THAT MEANS NO NOISE! WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC ARE YOU?!"

Connie Muldoon: "I was never in my car! We Muldoons don't believe in motor vehicles!"

Herself: [singing] "I'm so proud of my new bunny; he wiggles his nose, and eats my honey; he tickles my toes, I tickle his tummy; and that's why I'm so proud. Proud, proud, proud; bunny, bunny, bunny..."

Kenan Thompson

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid."

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!"

Sweaty Woman [Denberg]: "It's true!"

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!"

Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero who's always in the right place at the right time!"

Superdude: [usually after his intro] "I also enjoy...fluffy stuffed animals, and...soft kisses, and...chatting on the phone long-distance."

Nasty Nancy: "You'd be nasty, too, iffin' you was a cowboy named...'Nancy'."

Mavis: "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show is over."

Clavis [Mitchell]: "Oh, yeah; kick it!"

Miss Piddlin: "Miss Piddlin almost let her bad temper and delicate mental conditions get the better of her..."

Miss Piddlin: "Taste the peas! C'mon, little angel! Tell Miss Piddlin whatcha think of the peas!"

Miss Piddlin: "Careful, Miss Piddlin, don't lose your pea cool."

Miss Piddlin: "JULIO!!"

Miss Piddlin: "Well, if you don't wanna eat peas, don't eat nothin' at all!"

Miss Piddlin: "Miss Piddlin is back--with her special salad. I like to call it...peas!"

Spice Cube [formerly Burt Spice]: [rapping] "Fuzzy little bunny, all cute and sweet; cuddly little rabbit, come play with me! Your ears are floppy, and your whiskers, they bend! You're so cute and fuzzy; won't you be my friend? Booooy!"

Spice Boys fan [Leon Frierson]: "Will you guys sign my Spice Boy dolls for me? I got 'em all; they're so cool!"

Spice Cube: "Oh, look how adorable your cute little dolls are! Of course we can sign your dolls...I mean, uh, they--they look real tough, ya know what I'm sayin'? Punks? Punks!"

Other character [Mark Saul]: "Yeah, my question is for Burt Spice. Um, Burt...what's with your name?"

Burt Spice: "What do--what do you mean?"

Other character [Mark Saul]: "Well, you know, uh, Hairy Spice is hairy, and Dead Spice is, well, not living."

(Dead Spice is a skeleton.)

Other character [Mark Saul]: "You're just Burt Spice; now, don't you think that's kinda lame?"

Burt Spice: "Well, uh...no; the Spice Boys, we're all about music and boy power and friction. Trust me, nobody cares about my name."

[Ishboo is a foreign exchange student from an unknown country.]

Other character [Denberg]: "Ishboo...where are you from?"

Ishboo: "Thank you for asking!"

Ishboo: [to the security guard] "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly."

(Security guard falls asleep.)

Ishboo: "Oh, well; close enough."

Ishboo: (to Dr. Prober [Mitchell]) "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door."

(Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)

Other character [Denberg]: (sneezes)

Ishboo: "WALLY-WALLY-WOO!"

(He hides behind a sofa)

Ishboo: "In my foreign land, it is only proper that when one sneezes, you shout and dive behind furniture."

(Season 1, episode 2: TLC)

Ishboo: "In my foreign land, it is only proper that the guests sleep in the bed, and that you sleep on the floor!"

Kay [Bates]: [She and Ishboo are on a date, and she has just watched him dance] "Oh, Ishboo, where did you learn to dance like that? In your foreign land?"

Ishboo: "Yes; when I was a small Ishboo, I accidentally sat on a hot stove. The excruciating butt pain taught me how to wiggle myself!"

Bill Cosby: "Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day."

(As a result of Angelique Bates's departure from All That, Mandy is no longer on the Cooking With Randy & Mandy sketch.)

Randy: "Well, we all know how much Mandy loved chocolate. Unfortunately, during a recent chocolatey-wild weekend, Mandy lost her mind and consumed 479 pounds of pure milk chocolate. Last I heard, Mandy was locked away in a chocolate rehabilitation facility. We wish her well."

Randy: [after tasting his dish, 'Burrito Surprise'--a chocolate-covered burrito] "That makes me wanna sing!" [singing to the tune of 'La Cucaracha'] "La chocolata, la chocolata...all right! Now, the next dish that I have prepared for you is called 'chocolate on top of chocolate, smothered in chocolate'."

Randy: "Ya can't beat chocolate."

Chef Farley (guest star Chris Farley [1964-1997]): "'Ya can't beat chocolate'. Randoo, I'm worried about ya. Look here, kid, you've been eatin' chocolate all your life, and all you've got to show for it is A NEW CROPPA ZITS! I'M WORRIED ABOUT YA! PRETTY SOON, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP SUNDAY MORNING, AND IF YOU'RE STEALIN' GRANDMA'S BRANDLE MINTS OUT OF HER CANDY DISH, YOU'RE GONNA END UP IN REHAB, A CHOCOHOLIC!! "

Antoine: "What it is."

Bradley the Big Ol' Baby: "Three pounds of applesauce. Bradley want three pounds of applesauce."

Tutu Querie [host of Family Vs. Family]: "Now, our categories are...movies, famous forks, trousers, and things that go 'moo'."

Jerry Futile: "Question number 5...blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo."

Antoine: "Wait, did you just say 'blippity-blippity-booty-loo, blippity-blippity-moo'?"

Jerry Futile: "That is correct; now, what is your answer?"

Antoine: "Uh...meatloaf?"

Megan [Bynes]: "74!"

Shelley [Alisa Reyes]: "Is it a...kangaroo?"

[The buzzer sounds.]

Jerry Futile: "Ooooo, WRONG! I'm sorry; the answer was 'meatloaf.'"

Antoine: "But, I said 'meatloaf'! Didn't y'all hear Antoine say 'meatloaf'?!"

Shelley: "Yup, he said 'meatloaf'."

Jerry Futile: "But, I didn't hear him. Sorry."

Coldfinger: "Look at my finger! It is so cold! Feel it! C'mon, feel how cold it is!"

Principal Pimpell: "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!"

Principal Pimpell: [singing to the tune of Dry Bones] "The finger bone's connected to the...shin bone! The shin bone's connected to the...brain bone!"

Officer Ulcer [of the U. S. S. Spaceship]: "Aw! Nobody stops my engines cold!"

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: "Ho-ho-ho-hold the fig neutrons there, mush bucket! The name is, Lester Oaks...Construction Worker!"

[appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: "I'm pretty certain I ordered a soda without no ice in it...and look here, there's ice all in m'drinkin' cup!"

Everyday French With Pierre Escargot

[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]

•There are small children in my nose.

•May I blow my nose in your sandwich?

•You look like Stephanie, but you smell like Robert.

•I'm sorry; I thought that was my pocket.

•What time is it, and why do you smell like cheese?

•Why is your butt talking?

•(After speaking a 30- to 40-syllable French phrase in which he mentions actor/singer Patrick Swayze [1952-2009]) How are you?

•Who are you, and why are you wearing my Daddy's panties?

•I'm from Minnesota, and my name is Winnifred!

•Kiss me! Squeeze me! Call me "Mrs. Beasley"!

•May I take a nap in your nose?

•I have not showered in 36 days!

•May I pop my pimple on your lasagna?

•Excuse me! I am not a drinking fountain!

•Pardon me, but this tissue has already been used.

•I told you I had gas.

•I told you I had to throw up.

•That's not an elf; that's my grandmother!

•Mmmm! This men's room smells wonderful.

•Who said you could live in my toilet?

•That's not bubblegum. Bubblegum. That's not bubblegum. That's...Porkboy, the breakfast monkey.

•Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress.

•Oo-la-la! That pumpkin sure knows how to rhumba!

•Ewww! This looks like mustard, but it tastes like you!

(Season 3, episode 12: Mona Lisa)

•Where is the library, and why is your nose filled with ointment?

•Do not clap your hands when I sneeze in your face. But please clap your hands for our musical guest...MONTECO!

•You look different. Did you brush your nose hair?

Kel Mitchell

Ed: "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?"

Ed: "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Is there anything in my nose?"

Customer [guest star Tracy Lynn Sullivan]: "I don't know."

(She leaves in disgust.)

Ed: [singing] "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!"

Ed: "Uhhh...no?"

Ed: "That'll be eight bucks."

Customer [Server]: "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch."

Ed: "Okay." [Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]

[The customer awakens a few minutes later.]

Customer: "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" [Ed knocks him out again.]

[The customer wakes up again.]

Customer: "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good Soda. That is S-O-...D-A...'soda'."

Ed: "One Good Soda."

Customer: "Right." [Ed punches him out again.]

Customer [Johnson]: "Ewwwww; you just got Good Burger bits all over my face!"

Ed: "Uh...no?"

Customer: "Yes, you did! You got them in my mouth!"

Ed: "That'll be eight bucks."

Customer: "What?! I'm not paying you for your regurgitated burger bits!"

Pizzaface: "Hey! Don't bag on Walter like that!"

Pizzaface: "I'm Pizzaface...Walter's friend."

Okrah: "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's tragic lives."

Lump Maroon: [only dialogue] "Jupiter!"

(Lump and his brother Emily and sister Chuck [Reyes] have knocked down their neighbor [Thompson], who has returned Emily's missing trousers.)

Emily Maroon: "We knocked down Grandma!"

Neighbor: "Look! I ain't your Grandma! All right?! I'm not related to you Maroons in any way!"

Lump Maroon: "Jupiter."

Neighbor: [pointing to Lump] "Especially him!"

Toby Braun: We have some testimonials...of people...who have used The Board...

Toby Braun (to his assistant, Helga [Christy Knowings]): DON'T TOUCH ME!

Harold (Amanda Bynes): I used to be an unemployed, out-of-shape, 400-pound man named Harold. And now look at me! The Board changed my life.

Antoine: I used to just sit around...and do nothin'...before I got The Board, and...now I have it. What it is.

Lump Maroon: Jupiter!

Harold: Thank you, The Board!

Lump Maroon: Jupiter!

(Mavis [Thompson] and Clavis [Mitchell] are sitting in the audience, while laughing at one of Bynes's and Server's "Squash Boy" sketches.)

Clavis: "Ya hear that, Mavis? They're callin' for somebody named 'SQUASH BOY'!"

Mavis: "Yeah...that's funny! Never heard of a boy...made entirely outta squash...before!"

Baggin' Saggin' Barry [Thompson]: "I thought I had the biggest, baggiest pants in the world...then I met Baggin' Saggin' Mary."

(Earlier, the other students at Dullmont Jr. High School had asked Baggin' Saggin' Barry and Baggin' Saggin' Mary [Reyes] to pull various objects out of their pants; one of the things was a white TV set with red polka-dots. Mary also had a remote control, but Barry didn't. Before that, one of the students [Denberg] had requested pumpkin juice, and Barry had only a pumpkin to give her. Mary, however, did have a can of pumpkin juice, and she was sure that her trousers could hold more things than his could.)

Clavis: "You've been blessed with magic trousers. Use your gift. You just gotta reach deep down in your pants...and pull out things you never knew you had. Reach down deep."

Coach Kreeton: "Oh, the life I live is sad!"

(Coach Kreeton is teaching volleyball to his class; the team consisting of Alisa, Angelique, Katrina, Lori Beth, Josh, and Kenan is not following his instructions to hit the ball back to the other side)

Coach Kreeton (to the other side): "Serve the ball to these misguided demons!"

(The other side does so, and then Lori Beth turns on a tape that plays Offenbach's Can Can)

Alisa, Angelique, Katrina, Lori Beth, Josh, and Kenan (singing to the tune of the Can Can, while standing arm-in-arm and doing the dance): "La...la-la, la-la, la-la; la-la, la-la, la-la..."

Coach Kreeton: "No, no, no, no...no...NO! Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people! This is volleyball, not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!"

Coach Kreeton: "Aww, my happiness is a memory!"

Coach Kreeton: "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goo-oo-ood..."

Coach Kreeton: "Oh, why must you upset me in ways I can't understand?!"

Coach Kreeton: "I demand to see your hall, pass, ticket, slip!"

Coach Kreeton: "All right; now, tell me what's in your book...pack...bag...sack!"

(Principal Pimpell has called a meeting with Miss Fingerly [Denberg], Tandy Spork, Mr. Treble [Zack McLemore], Coach Kreeton, and Janitor Gaseous [Tamberelli], to find someone to fill in as principal of Dullmont Jr. High School for him while he is away, having his pimple removed.)

Coach Kreeton: "Oh, yeah; celebrate! Celebrate! It's about time ya popped that pimple! Oh, every time I look at it, it makes me think of the Moon! Oh, I'm so happy! The only thing worser than that ol' crazy-lookin' pimple...is my sad...miserable life."

Butter Boy: "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?"

[Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]

[Other character]: "What was that?"

Repairman: "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairman: "Echo my butt!"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairman: "Echo schmecho!"

[Other character]: "What's with the echo?"

Repairman: "Go away!"

Repairman: [noticing that a family's lamp is flickering] "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!"

Father [Kevin Kopelow]: "Please don't repair it."

Repairman: "But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!"

Mother [Denberg]: "He's being very gentle."

[Repairman "repairs" the lamp.]

Older daughter [Reyes]: "Daddy! What is he doing?!"

Repairman: "That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!"

Father: "No. No, you didn't. You killed it."

Younger daughter [Johnson]: "You squashed our helpless lamp!"

Repairman: "It was nothing!"

Mother: "It was horrible! You're a bad repairman!"

[The rest of the family stares at her.]

Mother: "...-man-man-man-man-man!"

Commander Feeble [Server]: [of Repairman's "repairs" to the U. S. S. Inferior space shuttle] "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE REPAIRS US ALL!"

Dr. Kay: "All right, all right, it's the one, it's the only, but never lonely, Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay! Hey, if you parents out there have any questions about your kids, make my telephone dance; let's go! Say 'Hey', to Diggy-Diggy-Dr. Kay!"

Man on the phone: "Hey, uh, hey, Dr. Kay, listen, uh, I have a 9-year-old son, and, well, he keeps puttin' on his sister's clothes. What do I do?"

Dr. Kay: "Uh, puts on his sister's clothes. Uh, what's the name?"

Man on the phone: "Steven."

Dr. Kay: "Tell me, does Steven look good in a dress?"

Man on the phone: "Yes, he does."

Dr. Kay: "A 9-year-old son, wears his sister's clothes...Dr. Kay's advice; call the boy 'Stephanie'! Problem solved!"

[He rings his gong with his slingshot.]

Dr. Prober: [during Ishboo's checkup] "Let me just check your ears. That's all right."

[He checks Ishboo's left ear, and sees Ren and Stimpy, from The Ren & Stimpy Show; they are screaming while blasting off into outer space.]

Dr. Prober: "Oh! Let me check the other one."

Ishboo: "Okey-dokey."

[He checks Ishboo's right ear, and sees a polar bear.]

(A boy named Jake Feta has just used a "cheese fizz", and has thus been arrested by the Cheese Police.)

Jake Feta [Thompson]: [to Officer Jack Colby, of the Cheese Police] "But you said we were friends!"

Officer Jack Colby: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I once said I was Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz. But ya don't see Toto...do ya?"

Officer Jack Colby: "Man. If it isn't one cheese, it's another other! It's another other! I'm...on my way!"

Katrina Johnson

(Susie, from a form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)

Susie: Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!"

(Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would still cost $145.50 altogether.)

Bernie: What do you think you're doin'?

Susie: Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?

Bernie's wife: Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies.

Susie: Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?

Ross Perot: Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion.

Perot [looks hungrily at Pizzaface]: How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me?

Perot: Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi!

Roseanne Barr: I got a wicked rash!

Camille Cosby [Bates]: Who rang that bell?

Dorothy: It was I, Dorothy.

(Season 2, episode 16: Terry Ellis)

Dorothy: What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower?

Cosby [Thompson]: Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants.

(Season 2, episode 16: Terry Ellis)

Lemonade Scammer [after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]: Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what?

Lemonade Scammer: [to a customer] Thirsty?

Customer [Server]: Lemonade, please.

Lemonade Scammer: Five bucks.

Customer: Five bucks? That's a lot of money.

Lemonade Scammer: Well, you seem a lot of thirsty.

Lemonade Scammer [crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]: My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy!

Lemonade Scammer [crying]: I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade!

[someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]

Sally: Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products.

Woman: You mean like ham?

Sally: No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and...

YoGurl: Yogurt!

Sally: I've got a squeegee!

Sally: You're the best, Superdude, even if you are lactose-intolerant.

Alisa Reyes

[Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]

Fran [Denberg]: "Kiki, we've been on this island for three years..."

Kiki: [singsong] "Three years, two months, one wee-eek!"

Kiki: [singing] "Fran's here, and I'm here, and you're here, and you're gonna be heeeeeere...forrrrrever-"

Fran [Denberg]: "Stop it."

Kiki: "--and ever--"

Fran: "Stop it!"

Kiki: "--and ever--"

Fran: "STOP IT!"

Kiki: "--and ever--"

[Fran knocks herself out.]

Kiki: "--and ever...."

Angelique Bates

Mandy: "Mmmm; the chocolate does wonders for the nails."

Mandy: "Looks like it's raining chocolate syrup. And...can it be snowing chocolate sprinkles?"

Penny Lane: [to Superdude] "No, the milk will harm you! You're lactose-intolerant!"

Jaleel White [as Steve Urkel]: "Surprise! Ha-ha, did I do thaaaaaat?"

Amanda Bynes

Ashley: [starts to read a letter] "Dear Ashley..." That's me!

Springs: [sings] I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany!

[Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U. S. S. Spaceship, which is helmed by 10-year-old Captain Tantrum]

Captain Tantrum: [wails] "You hurt my spaceship! WAAAAAAAAH!"

Officer Canker [Server]: "Oh, nice goin', Thumtax! You made our little captain cry!"

Captain Tantrum: "You, you fired lasers at me, and I'm just a little girl!"

Thumtax [Denberg]: "I--I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know that your captain was a little girl? I'm sorry, lil' Cap'n. I didn't mean to harm your ship; I--what can I do to make you feel better, sweetie?"

Captain Tantrum: [sniffles] "Lower your shields."

Thumtax: "But, I--"

Captain Tantrum: [wails] "WAAAAAAAAAH!"

Thumtax: "All right. Lower shields."

One of Thumtax's minions: "Shields down."

Thumtax: [to Captain Tantrum] "All right, dear; our shields are down. Is that better?"

Captain Tantrum: "I guess so."

Captain Tantrum: [to Singo and Officer Canker] "FIRE MAIN LASERS!"

Singo [Mitchell]: [sings] "Firin' lasers!"

[He and Officer Canker fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship.]

Thumtax: [screams, in the destruction of her ship]

Singo: [singing] "Captain, that was brilliant; Captain, that was brilliant!"

Captain Tantrum: "Status report, Officer Canker."

Officer Canker: "Alien ship dee-stroyed."

Captain Tantrum: "Excellent! Take us out of here, Singo. Heading 2614, mark 2."

Officer Canker: "But, but, Captain, we're supposed to be heading to Jupiter. That mark will take us directly to some place called...Happy...Toyland..."

Captain Tantrum: "Soooo?"

Singo: "We don't have time to go to Happy Toyland...no..."

Captain Tantrum: "BUT I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND! I WANNA GO TO HAPPY TOYLAND!..."

Captain Tantrum: "Porkus II?! That planet is entirely inhabited by...Pigginoids!"

Sosumi [Reyes]: "Pigginoids?! No! I was harmed and taunted by Pigginoids when I was a little girl!"

Captain Tantrum: [singsong] "No one cares..."

Captain Tantrum: "Hey! You aliens! This is Captain Tantrum, of the U. S. S. Spaceship! ♪Whatcha doin'?♪"

(The U. S. S. Spaceship is under attack by an alien named Velcro, who is made of what his name indicates.)

Captain Tantrum: "Who are you?"

Velcro [guest star Kevin Carlson]: "I...am Velcro. And I am angry."

(He removes his neutral mouth and replaces it with his angry mouth.)

Velcro: "See?"

Captain Tantrum: "All right, VELCRO! Why have you attacked us?!"

Velcro: "I have issues!"

Captain Tantrum: "Okay. But...will you please not attack us again?"

Lt. Fondue [Knowings]: "Oh, sure! You're all polite to him..."

Ashley: "Our next letter comes from...Mary Schmidt, of Butler, Pennsylvania. Mary writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, for reason, people never pay any attention to me. No one seems to care about me, or anything that I have to say. How come everyone always ignores me?'"

[Ashley puts the letter down.]

Ashley: "Our next letter comes from...Lisa Lillian, of Queens, New York. Lisa writes...'Dear Ashley'...thaaaat's me! 'Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I just bought a new sweater. It is green. Sincerely, Lisa.'"

[long pause]

Ashley: "WHO STINKIN' CARES?! THIS IS CALLED ASK ASHLEY! NOT BORE ASHLEY TO STINKIN' DEATH!"

Ashley [mocking]: "Gee, I'm Lisa Lillian! And I just bought a new sweater! It is GREEN! I'm a moron..."

Ashley [normal voice]: "...and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH!"

(Dr. Debbie is a cheerleading doctor.)

Dr. Debbie: "Pain, pain, go away; come again...NEVER!"

Danny Tamberelli

Janitor Gaseous: "Squat and rot!"

Jack Campbell: "I'm gonna collect all this evidence...with my face!"

Jack Campbell: "I'm Jack Campbell, Fat Cop!"

Francis the Caveman: "Me Francis, and I'm a caveman."

(An alien named Crouton [Tamberelli] is attacking the U. S. S. Spaceship; he has the power to telepathically control the ship and its crew.)

Crouton: "Now, surrender your ship."

Captain Tantrum [Bynes]: "NEVER!"

Crouton: "Then I will make you do more unpleasant things!"

Singo [Mitchell]: [singing] "Things aren't good...things are bad...Singo's feeling very sad..."

Crouton [groaning]: "Stop it!"

Captain Tantrum: "Did you see that? Singo! Sing something else!"

Singo: [singing] "Okay, Captain, have no fear; just tell me what you wanna hear!"

Crouton [groaning]: "Stop the singing; it's killing me!"

Officer Canker [Server]: "Wait a minute. Whenever Singo sings...it harms Crouton!"

Hairy Spice: "Sweaty, you better be careful around all this electrical equipment; I mean, you're just dripping in sweat. And everybody knows that water and electricity...don't mix."

Christy Knowings

Jessica: "And, like, my name is Jessica; rrrr!"

Winter Wonders: "I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called What Do You Do?, where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does."

Lt. Fondue [of the U. S. S. Spaceship]: "Captain! What is we gonna do?!"

Lt. Fondue: "Captain! I'm receivin' a trans-mishy-on from the alien ship that attack-ed-ed us!"

Miss Piddlin [Thompson]: "I see you had my Julio bring in your carrots."

Miss Toodle [Miss Piddlin's lunch lady rival]: "Uh-huh, 'cause ya know, children love them some carrots, more than anything."

(It is Science Day at Dullmont Jr. High School, and none of the students except Tilly [Bynes] did a science project. Ms. Ernestine Klump, the teacher, chooses Jasper to go first.)

Jasper [Thompson]: "Um, this is a stick."

[He breaks the stick in half.]

Jasper: "Now, it's two sticks."

Ms. Klump: "Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have many uses in the computer industry!"

Ms. Klump: "Now, our next show and tell student is Throckmorton."

Throckmorton [Saul]: "Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day."

(Throckmorton places his juicing machine on Ms. Klump's desk, and takes out a bowl containing several oranges and cups.)

Ms. Klump: "Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?"

Throckmorton: "Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this."

(He puts an orange into the juicer.)

Throckmorton: "Then, you press the button."

(He does so, and the juice from the orange pours into the cup that he has placed near the spout.)

Throckmorton: "And, voilà...juice!"

(He hands the juice to one of the other students [Thompson].)

Throckmorton: "Here, try some."

Other student: [after tasting the orange juice] "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!"

Leon Frierson

Leroy: "Hey; my name's Leroy."

Fuzz [a blue puppet, voiced by Kevin Carlson]: "And my name is Fuzz!"

[He laughs.]

Fuzz: "How ya doin', Leroy?"

Leroy: "Anyway, today we're here to talk about somethin' that irritates me. I'm talkin' about vegetables."

Fuzz: "Leroy, did I just hear you say you don't like vegetables?"

Leroy: "You wanna make somethin' of it?"

Fuzz: "Well, gee; no...sorry."

Leroy: "I know. Now, like I was sayin', before I was so rudely interrupted by the big-mouthed puppet..."

[He casts a sideways glance at Fuzz.]

Leroy: "...vegetables are nasty."

Fuzz: "But, Leroy, vegetables are good for you. They're full of vitamins and happiness!"

[He laughs.]

Fuzz: "And they taste great, too!"

Leroy: "Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer."

Fuzz: "A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!"

Fuzz: [singing] "Mi-mi-mi...oh, I like to scrub in the tub, 'cause I can play in the bubbles, and wash away my troubles; oh, bath-time sure is fun!"

Fuzz: "Kids gotta have a bedtime, so they get plenty of sleep! Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep--"

Leroy: "You on some kinda medical problem?!"

Fuzz: "Yes."

Leroy: "It figures."

Leroy: "You don't have to go to the doctor to get your reflexes checked, Fuzz. I can do that right here".

Fuzz: "Really, Leroy? You know how to check reflexes?"

Leroy: "Sure".

(He hits Fuzz with a large mallet)

Leroy: "Your reflexes are a little slow, little buddy".

Fuzz: "Oh, I don't feel very good, and my head's throbbing".

Leroy: "Maybe I should check your blood pressure".

Fuzz: "Oh, I don't know, Leroy; I think it's because you hit me in the head with a giant mallet".

Billy Fuco: "I'M BILLY FUCO!"

[There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]

C.J.: "Have y'all caught the midnight train to Georgia? Now, I'm the cutest, and I got the biggest afro, so we will continue to be called...'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'"

Nick Cannon

LaTanya: "Okaaaaay!"

LaTanya: "It's time to get our freak on!"

Quik'N'Fast customer [Mark Saul]: "Can I just buy these breath mints!"

LaTanya: "Ugh! You need 'em, Mr. Garbage Mouth!"

Sweaty Spice: "Boy Power!"

Sweaty Spice: "Look, Burt; this just ain't workin'. Sorry..."

Mark Saul

Stuart [pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana]: "That picture's gonna come out just great!"

Student [Bynes]: "But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana."

Stuart: "You can't prove that!"

Stuart [to the iguana]: "She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera."

Student [Bynes]: "Look, nut! This is a camera, and that's an iguana."

Stuart: "And I'm a goat."

[He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]

Student: "A freak bag is what you are."

[Later, in the same sketch]

Yearbook photographer [Server]: "That's him! That's the little hooligan that tied me up and hid me under the desk!"

Stuart: "Fine, I'm not the real yearbook photographer. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real yearbook photographer, I'd be the best yearbook photographer IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best yearbook photographer...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence."

Hypno-Pants: "Stare into my butt!"

Murray: "Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?"

Other

[The show opening]

Announcer [Soup]: "Not quite live, but ready for primetime! Get ready...get set...it's All That!"

(Season 1, episode 2: "Da Brat")

Announcer [Soup]: "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, and watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!"

(From Season 1, episode 3: "TLC" onwards)

(Peter [Mitchell] and Flem [Server] are performing the actions as narrated]

Announcer: "Peter sharpens pencils the old-fashioned way. Flem sharpens pencils in different parts of his body."

Announcer: "Peter exercises every day. He runs over five miles. Flem runs from the police."

Announcer: "After dinner, Peter enjoys a fresh piece of fruit for dessert, like an apple. Flem eats a bag of sugar."

Announcer: "Peter makes excuses to go to the restroom. Flem's going to the restroom right now."

[Flem is not in his restroom.]

Announcer: "Peter turns off his TV set using a remote control. Flem uses a brick."

Announcer: "Peter always brushes his teeth before going to bed. Flem brushes his hobo."

Announcer: "Peter likes to grow nice plants and flowers. Flem grows things under his arms."

Announcer: "Peter likes to read. Flem can't."

Announcer: "Every day after school, Peter walks his dog, Fido. Flem walks his grandmother."

Announcer: "After doing his homework, Peter relaxes by watching public television. Flem watches underwear."

Announcer: "Peter spends his free time reading books and building model airplanes. Flem plays with raw bacon."

(Season 4, episode 13: "Xscape") ***

Announcer: "Peter knows the importance of recycling our trash. Flem eats his garbage." ***

Announcer: “Peter entertains his guests by playing cards or other fun games. Flem ties his guests up in a chair, and spins them until they cry.”

Announcer: "Peter dresses himself like a nice young man. Flem dresses himself like a diseased freak of nature.”

(Season 2, episode 12: "Diana King") ******

Announcer: "Peter enjoys many hobbies, like photography and knitting. Flem juggles raw meats."

Announcer: "Peter applauds politely when he gives a round of sound. Flem says..."

Flem: "LET'S HEAR A ROUNDA SOUND FOR 702!"

(He smashes a watermelon with his baseball bat, and then 702, the musical guest, perform their hit "Steelo")

(Season 3, episode 7: "702")

(Bynes has just joined the cast of All That, replacing Bates)

Server: Guys...guys...listen up. Has anybody met Amanda yet?

Thompson: You mean Amanda, our new cast member?

Server: I'm afraid so.

Reyes: Wait second; what's wrong with Amanda?

Server: Well, let's just say, she's way too happy and perky.

Denberg: Oh, I hate happy and perky.

(Bynes enters)

Bynes: Hi-hi, everyone, it's me, Amanda!

Thompson [offscreen]: What's, what's up?

Bynes: I just wanted to tell y'all how happy and perky I am to be joining the cast of All That. We're all gonna have such fun.

Denberg [sarcastically]: Oh, I'm sure we are.

Bynes: Okay, everybody; gather 'round.

Mitchell: Aw, c'mon, Goldilocks.

Denberg: Uh, look, Amanda; nothing personal, but...we don't like to gather.

Bynes: Oh, Lori Beth, you are so funny.

Denberg: Don't you forget it.

Bynes: C'mon, you guys; I have something for all of you. Now, for the boys, I made you all a bunch of oatmeal and raisin cookies.

Thompson [faking excitement]: Oh, cookies!

Bynes: And for the girls, stuffed animals! Lori Beth, I got you a bear, and for Alisa, a tiger. And for Katrina, a pretty pink bunny. Isn't he just too cute?

Johnson: Way...too cute.

[[w:Kevin Kopelow (producer)|Kevin Kopelow]: Five minutes! Show starts in five minutes! Oh, I see you've all met our new cast member, Amanda. Isn't she all happy and perky? I just know she's gonna fit right in. Oh, a bunny!

Johnson: Amanda gave it to me.

Reyes: I got a tiger.

Denberg: Bear.

Mitchell, Server, and Thompson [in unison]: Cookies.

Kopelow: What wonderful gifts. I enjoy gifts.

Bynes: Oh, Kevin; you didn't think I'd forget you, did you?

Kopelow: You got me a present?

Bynes: Of course.

Kopelow: Give it...

Thompson: I can't take too much more of her.

Denberg: She makes me queasy.

Mitchell: Even her cookies are too sweet.

Kopelow: You just don't like her 'cause she's all sweet and kindly. You know, we could all learn a thing or two from Amanda; that's what I say.

Bynes [brings a black armchair with a red button on the right arm]: And this is for Kevin.

Kopelow: Chair!

(He sits down in it)

Bynes: A very special chair for a very special stage manager...

(She kisses him on the forehead)

Kopelow: Oh, it's so comfy. My rear feels all happy. You know, I do need to relax now and then, you know...what's this red button right here?

Bynes: Gee, I don't know. Why don't you push it?

Kopelow: Alrighty.

(He pushes the button, and the chair launches him through the roof)

Bynes: Adios, sucker.

Johnson: You did that on purpose, didn't you?

Bynes: Uh-huh.

Thompson: Amanda? Just have one thing to say...welcome to the cast!

(Season 3, episode 1: "LL Cool J")

Kopelow: "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!"

Kopelow: "Listen up. I'm just here to tell ya, that in ten minutes, the show will be startin' in five minutes."

Dan Schneider: "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!"

Ed [Mitchell]: Whoa! We have a drive-through window!

Mr. Bailey [Schneider]: Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there.

(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)

Ed: Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there?

Mr. Bailey: It doesn't, Ed! The cars don't drive through the window; they drive past the window!

Ed: Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window?

Alan [Mitchell]: "Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan; A-L-A-N."

Allen [Server]: "And I'm Allen; A-double L-E-N."

Alan: "This morning, we're talking about...what else?"

Both [in unison]: "CEREAL!"

Alan: "The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look."

[A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown]

Allen: "I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even whimsical, if you will."

Alan: "I won't. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪Frosted Lucky Germs, they're tragically contagious♪...what's with that?"

Allen: "Heh-lo, the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you buy yourself a sense of humor?"

Alan: "No, but I'd buy some antacid. I'm still gassy."

Allen: "Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'."

Alan [makes a buzzer noise]: "The correct response is, 'spoons down'. Onto a new cereal on the show; Spoon-Size Shredded Meat. Watch the monitor”.

[A video of them eating Spoon-Size Shredded Meat is shown]

Alan: “Now, tell me; what kind of twisted person puts mangled hamburger meat in breakfast cereal? Hello-o-o-o?!”

Allen: “Earth to Alan; you eat sausage and bacon for breakfast every morning.”

Alan: “Not in a bowl, juicy fruit. When it comes to cereal, I want honey, cinnamon, fluffy surprises, even bran, but meat? Save it for the dog, kids!”

Allen: “Those are pretty strong words for a guy who gave a ‘spoons up’ to…Froot Poots!”

Alan: “I changed my review as soon as I came out the bathroom. Why must you always bring up the Froot Poots?”

Allen: “It’s kind of hard to forget, Alan. Well, this concludes this week’s…Cereal Critics. Join us next week, when we’ll be discussing three new cereals; Crusty Flakes…”

Alan: “Dreary-Os…”

Allen: “And Grape Knots. Until then, I’m Allen; A-double L-E-N.”

Alan: “And I’m Alan; A-L-A-N.”

Allen: “Freak!”

Alan: “Alfalfa-Bit eater!”

Allen: “Froot Pooter!”

Alan: “Stop with that already!”

Customer [Tricia Dickson; after scratching off her Scratch & Win ticket]: I won! I won!

Ed: Whoa, you one?

Customer: Yes!

Ed: Well...you look so much older.

Customer [confused]: Um...yeah.

Customer: Anyway, I have a winning ticket here, for one free Good Meal!

Ed: One free Good Meal! That'll be eight bucks.

Customer: No...you're not supposed to charge me money.

Ed: Well, then, give me your watch!

Customer: No! Look; you don't understand.

Ed: No, I don't understand.

Customer: Exactly; now, pay attention. See your signs? Good Burger's having a contest with Scratch & Win tickets. Now, I scratched off my ticket, and it says I get one free Good Meal...

[Later, in the same sketch]

Mr. Bailey: [looks at a customer's winning ticket, which Ed claimed was for $5,000] "Aw, for the love of decimals, Ed, this says he won 50¢! 50¢, not 5,000!"

Mýa Harrison: [Describing the perils of live television] "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy."

Complaint department lady [Lori Beth Denberg]: [to a customer] Complaint Department. Whatcha doin'?

Customer [Dickson]: [southern accent] Well, I have a complaint...

Complaint department lady: Is...that your complaint?

Customer: No.

Complaint department lady: If you have no complaint, I must ask you to go home.

Customer: Well, I certainly do have a complaint.

Complaint department lady: Well, make up your mind! Do you have a complaint?

Customer: Yes; I bought this here mini vacuum cleaner. But I wanted a blue one, like on the box...and they gave me this here red one, surely by mistake.

Complaint department lady: Well, if I were you, I'd take it right back to the store where I bought it.

Customer: That is precisely what I'm doin'. I would like to trade this here red one for a blue one.

Swinestein (Dickson; a Pigginoid alien, from the planet Porkus II): I am Swinestein, leader of the Pigginoid ship!

Dialogue

Steve Urkel #1 [Bates]: Laura, my sweet, are you out there; can you hear me, my darling?

Steve Urkel #2 [Mitchell]: Who said that?

Steve Urkel #1: Who wants to know?

Steve Urkel #2: Me, that’s who!

Steve Urkel #1: Why, you’re not me; I’m me!

Steve Urkel #2: Oh, yeah? Puh-roove it!

Steve Urkel #1: My, my; what a gorgeous vision of loveliness!

Steve Urkel #2: Did I do that?

(They continue arguing indistinctly, and end by laughing and snorting)

Sinbad (cameo): Who are those kids?

(Season 1, episode 1: Phil Moore/TLC)*****

Toy designer #1 [Server]: "Say hello to the Stinkphone!"

Ms. Lumpco [Denberg; head of Lumpco Toy Company]: "Why is it called the 'Stinkphone'? OH, it STINKS!"

Toy designer #2 [Thompson]: "Exactly; it's not just a phone...it's a phone that stinks!"

Kopelow: "Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?"

[Thompson enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill. The other cast members, especially Denberg, are delighted.]

Server: "It's the Big Ear of Corn!"

Bates: "So, what was wrong with the Corn?"

Thompson: "Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?"

[Johnson enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is still at least twice the size of a large standard ear of corn.]

[Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.]

Maggot [Server]: [British accent] My name is Maggot!

Rash [Reyes]: I'm Rash!

Spew [Thompson]: They call me SPEW!

Miss Fingerly [Denberg]: All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from?

Student [Johnson]: Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are?

Student [Bates]: Yeah!

Student [Johnson]: They're Bacteria!

Miss Fingerly: Now, let's not judge others by their appearance.

Student [Mitchell]: No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around!

Student [Johnson]: Their CD, Raw Sewage, just went Triple Platinum!

Miss Fingerly: Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band got the name "Bacteria"!

Maggot: Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found...

Miss Fingerly: All right! Let's all take our seats.

Dr. Bynes (a filthy dentist, played by Server, about to treat Lester Oaks, Construction Worker): Hi, I'm your dentist, Dr. Bynes; you must be...Mrs. Johnson!

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: No, no; I am no Mrs.. You see, the name is, Lester Oaks, Construction Worker.

(later)

Lester Oaks, Construction Worker (noticing the dirt all over Dr. Bynes's hands): What is all the dirt-mud about?

Dr. Bynes: Oh; well, I was just outside, burying some...thing...

(Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest)

Loud Librarian: Silence! This is a liberry! Just who do you fellas think you are?!

Kay Gee: We're Naughty By Nature.

Loud Librarian: Oh, well; that's obvious!

Treach: No, no, no; we're the rap group Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in--

(She blows her air horn)

Loud Librarian: Quiet! This is a liberry! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry!

(She points to the stage)

Loud Librarian: You can sing over there!

(Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage)

Loud Librarian: (blows her whistle) Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature!

(She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit "Clap Yo Hands".)

[Rash has left Bacteria, and now Maggot and Spew are holding auditions for a new bass player.]

Maggot: Excuse me; before we start, can you even play the bass?

Waw [Tamberelli]: WAAAAAAAW!

Bynes: Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!

Audience: Ooh, aah!

Bynes: That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!

(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)

Bynes: Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!

(NSYNC appears)

JC Chasez: Where are we?

Justin Timberlake: And why do we smell like grapefruit?

[Server is running on an unstoppable treadmill.]

Bynes: Help! Help! I need help!

Tamberelli: What's wrong?

Bynes: I need help.

Tamberelli: Well, I'm right here.

[long pause]

Bynes: Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!!

[Thompson and Mitchell enter]

Thompson: What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you?

Mitchell: Because we'll take care of him.

Bynes: No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop!

(At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed (Mitchell) to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)

Ed: (thinking) I'm lost in thought.

Beth: (thinking) He seems lost in thought.

Ed: She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty.

Beth: I hope he thinks I'm pretty.

Ed: I do.

Beth: He'd be the coolest boyfriend.

Ed: Some vegetables...are green.

Beth: I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date.

Ed: I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how...

[short pause]

Ed: ...to use a phone.

Beth: Ed, it's so easy, spell.

Ed: My foot's cold.

[looks down]

Ed: Hey! I'm missin' a shoe!

(Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found, and complained about, a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and angry!".)

Alex [Server; on the phone]: No kidding! You did? You found my dog? You found Snuggles? All right. All right; I'll be right over, okay?

(He hangs up)

Alex [can't remember the address]: 340 Barfield Road...314 Barfield Road? 340. No...I think...well...guess I'll just find out when I get there.

(He leaves; meanwhile, a girl named Julie is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend)

Julie's mother [Denberg]: We're so excited about meeting your new boyfriend!

Julie's father [Tim Goodwin]: I hope he's better than your last boyfriend; the one with the tattoo on his tongue.

Julie [Reyes]: Oh, Dad...

(The doorbell rings; it's Alex)

Julie: That's him! I gotta go gargle! Oh, no!

(She runs upstairs; her parents open the door)

Alex: Hi; um, I'm not sure if I have the right address...

Julie's father: Sure ya do! Come on in, young man; come on in! There ya go! Right over here.

Alex: Oh, great. So, where's my little Snuggles?

Julie's father: Oh, she's...she's right upstairs. Go ahead, take a seat; we'd like to get to know ya a little better.

Alex: Oh, uh...okay. Whatever.

(They all sit down)

Julie's father: Well, you're early. That's good. I don't like tardy boys...

Alex: Well, I was so excited. I mean, I haven't held her in days.

Julie's father: She'll be down soon enough.

Alex: Oh, I hope she wasn't too much trouble for you. She can be such a pain sometimes...uh, thanks for lettin' her sleep here and all.

Julie's father: Oh; well, it's the least we could do.

Alex: Oh, but don't get me wrong. I really love her, the smelly little mutt.

Julie's father: I beg your pardon?

Julie's mother: Did you say "smelly"?

Julie's father: Did you say "mutt"?

Alex: Oh; but she's really smart.

Julie's father: Oh, yeah; we know; in fact, we happen to think quite highly of her.

Alex: Oh, really? Me, too. Ya know, she wiggles her leg when ya tickle her tummy?

Julie's mother: No, we didn't know!

Julie's father: And I think we were happier not knowing!

Alex: Oh, and sometimes, I can lie on the floor and put a pepperoni on my nose, and she'll sneak around by me and eat it right off.

Julie's father: Is this a joke?!

Alex: No; actually, it's kind of a cool trick. Listen, where is she? 'Cause I've gotta get her home and give her a bath; last time I saw her, she was filthy!

Julie's father [gasps in horror]: You're not taking her anywhere!

Julie's mother: You're very bad!

Alex: Oh...I see what's goin' on.

Julie's father: Oh, ya do, do ya?

Alex: Sure; I should've figured it out earlier...you want some money.

Julie's father: MONEY?!

Alex: Yeah, I mean, you know; you took her home and fed her and let her sleep here. The least I can do before I take her home and play with her is...give you a little cash. How's a five-spot sound?

(He gives Julie's father $5)

Alex: I'll call her downstairs. Snuggles? Snuggles? C'mon down, ya hairy little mutt; come on. I hope she doesn't get all excited and tinkle on your carpet. I wouldn't wanna hafta spank her right here.

Julie's mother: I'm calling the police!

Julie's father [to Alex]: You're worse than the boy with the tattooed tongue!

(Julie comes downstairs, ready for her date)

Alex: Hey...where's my dog?

Julie: How would I know? Who are you?

Julie's father: What; you don't even recognize your own horrible boyfriend?! Maybe if he tickled your tummy or gave ya a bath...

Julie's mother: Or put a pepperoni on his face!

Julie's father: Yeah!

Alex: Uh...look, people, I'm just here to pick up my dog...Snuggles...

Julie: Oh, well; you're at the wrong house. The Wallaces up the street found your dog. C'mon, I'll show you the house.

Alex: Hey, uh...maybe a little later, we could, uh, catch a movie or somethin'.

Julie: Sure; I'd love to.

Julie's mother: Julie, what about your date with your boyfriend?

Julie: Oh, he's late, and...

Julie [to Alex]: What's your name?

Alex: Alex.

Julie: And Alex is on time...

Julie [whispering]: Oh, and he's cute, too.

Alex: Do you like pepperoni?

Julie: I love pepperoni!

(They head off to the Wallaces' house)

(Superdude has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude runs into the bank )

Fake Superdude [Amanda Bynes]: NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!

(A security guard runs out screaming)

Weird-Voiced Man: ...Superdude?

Fake Superdude: That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money--or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!

(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)

Superdude [Kenan Thompson]: Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?

Fake Superdude: I'm, uh...Superdude!

(Pause)

Superdude: Excuse me?

The Sweaty Woman: Quick! Grab the impostor!

(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons.)

Weird-Voiced Man: Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude!

Black-Haired Woman: I'm totally confused!

The Sweaty Woman: Talk about conflict!

Penny Lane: Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank-robbing evil twin?

Superdude: ...Y'all are kidding me, right?

Fake Superdude: I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the IMPOSTOR!

Superdude: I'm the real one!

Weird-Voiced Man: I can't tell which is which!

Penny Lane: What are we gonna DO?

Superdude: What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!

Fake Superdude: He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!

Superdude: Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight?

(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud.)

Superdude: Now do you believe me?

Blond Woman: He IS the real Superdude!

Fake Superdude: Wait, wait! Watch this!

(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half.)

Weird-Voiced Man: That one's got super strength, too!

Superdude: WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look--this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!

Penny Lane: I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!

Superdude: You ain't got to go there.

Weird-Voiced Man: Lactose intolerant...what's that?

The Sweaty Woman: Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products--such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!

Penny Lane: The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?

(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it.)

The Sweaty Woman: ...I do!

Penny Lane: Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!

Superdude: No, I don't think that that's such a good...

(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground.)

Superdude: A...E...I...O...

The Sweaty Woman: SHE'S the impostor!

Fake Superdude: The Sweaty Woman's right!

The Sweaty Woman: I'M ON A ROLL!

Fake Superdude: But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!

(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)

Weird-Voiced Man: Oh, somebody help Superdude!

The Sweaty Woman: I've got a blow dryer!

(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)

Fake Superdude: Almost forgot my free toaster!

(She takes it and goes toward the door)

Fake Superdude: Buh-bye...SUCKERS!

(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up.)

Superdude: HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere!

(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his buttocks. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude, who is still holding the toaster, is pulled back.)

Fake Superdude: What happened?

Superdude: I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya?

(Two police officers enter the bank)

Superdude: Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!

Police Officer: Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.

Police Officer: Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow--you two really look identical!

(They take Fake Superdude into custody.)

Fake Superdude: NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!

Penny Lane: I guess Evil Superdude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!

Superdude: You are correct. What can I say-you twin some, and you lose some!

(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter.)

The Sweaty Woman: I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA!

(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.

Helga: YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! (grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat) Now you must pay!

Detective Dan: Don't mind if I do!

(Two space aliens enter Good Burger)

Alien #1 [Server]: I am Pastar.

Alien #2 [Johnson]: I am Fudgesarbs. We are from the Kopelow Galaxy.

Fudgesarbs: We are aliens from another planet.

Pastar: We have traveled millions of light-years to investigate your planet Earth.

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?

Pastar: We said..."WE ARE ALIENS...FROM ANOTHER PLANET".

Ed: And I said..."WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER...HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER...CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?".

Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider]: Ed, E-E-Ed, Ed? Listen closely now. It's very important that you sell as many Good Weenies as possible.

Ed: Oh; have I ever let you down?

Mr. Bailey: Yes; many times. Oh, here come some customers. Now, remember; sell, sell, sell! Good luck.

(How Randy and Mandy usually introduce their cooking sketch, Cooking With Randy & Mandy.)

Randy [Thompson]: Hi! I'm Randy!

Mandy [Bates]: And I'm Mandy!

Randy and Mandy [in unison]: And this is Cooking With...

Randy: ...Randy...

Mandy: ...and Mandy! Hi, Randy!

Randy: Hi, Mandy!

Mandy: Moms tend to overlook the benefits of chocolate.

Randy: Mainly that it tastes very, very good.

Mandy: Our next dish is nachos.

Randy: First, you place the chips in a microwaveable plate...

Mandy: ...and then you add chocolate.

Randy: Chocolate bars...

Mandy: ...chocolate chips...

Randy: ...chocolate sprinkles...

Mandy: ...chocolate powder...

Randy: ...chocolate syrup...

Randy and Mandy [in unison]: ...any kind of chocolate, really.

Randy: Because once they mesh together, they become one harmonious chocolate holiday; a celebration of chocolate, if you will.

Mandy: Randy, is chocolate good for chapped lips?

Randy: I HAVE NO IDEA!

(Superdude has just entered an old Western saloon)

Other character [Tamberelli]: It's a Martian!

Bartender [Zack Lemore]: It's a fancy cowboy!

Other character [Server]: It's Kenan!

Sweaty woman [Denberg]: No; it's Superdude!

Superdude [Thompson]: That's correct...sweaty woman! I'm Superdude...the teenage superhero with powers that can make a horse giggle!

Square dance caller [guest star Tim Farmer]: Choose your partner! Do-si-do! Swing your partner 'round and 'round; pick him up and throw him down! Yee-ha! Kick him in the side, kick him in the head; change his name from Bob to Ted!

(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)

Didi [Johnson]: Hello, hello!

Kiki: I wonder who that is?

Fran: Who cares? It's a person...it's a person that's not you!

(She runs to Didi)

Fran: Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally--I'm rescued! Who are you?

(Didi removes her goggles)

Kiki: Didi!

Didi: Kiki!

Fran: Kiki, who is this?

Kiki: This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!

(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified.)

Fran: YOUR SISTER?!

(A girl named Karen is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend, Bryan, while her younger sister, Becky, wants to hang out with her)

Becky (Johnson): Hey, Karen! Let’s go see a movie at the Jumboplex!

Karen (Reyes): Aw, I'd love to, Becky, but I can’t. Bryan’s coming over.

Becky: Oh. Bryan, Bryan, Bryan! Ever since you started dating him, you and I never get to do anything together!

Karen: I’m sorry, Becky; I promise we’ll do something real soon, okay?

Becky: That’s what you said last weekend. Things were a lot more fun when you weren’t dating that tube!

(Doorbell rings)

Karen: That must be him!

Becky: I’ll get it.

(She opens the door; Bryan has arrived)

Bryan (Server): Yo, uh…where’s Karen?

Becky: France!

(She slams the door and smiles; Bryan enters)

Bryan: Karen? Did you see what your little sister just did? She slammed the door right in my nose!

Bryan (to Becky): Brat!

Becky: Tube!

Karen: Bryan, she didn’t mean to slam the door.

Becky (singsong, cheerfully): Yes, I did…

Bryan: Hey, uh, Becky…why don’t you just, uh…go play with ya dollies or somethin’?

Becky: I’ve got your dollies…

Karen: Oh, Becky, please…

(Becky scoffs and departs)

Bryan: I’m hungry. And thirsty.

Karen: Okay; well, sit down. I have everything all ready. I have chips, clam dip, fish tarts, soda…is root beer okay?

Bryan: Sure…soda’s soda.

(They sit down on the sofa)

Karen: Did you notice I’m wearing a new perfume? It’s called Autumn Stench. Sniff.

Bryan (flatly): Sure. Why not?

(He sniffs her left arm; meanwhile, Becky pours hot sauce into his soda)

Bryan: Smell’s a smell.

(Takes a sip of his soda; he spits it out as it has burned his throat)

Karen: What’s wrong?

Bryan (grabbing his throat): Hot…hot…

Karen: Well, I guess there’s something wrong with the root beer.

(Bryan drinks from the pitcher of water)

Bryan: I guess so!

Karen: Oh, I’m really sorry!

Bryan: Look. Just call that root beer company up, and complain or sump’m…

(Becky ties his shoelaces together)

Karen: Okay, I will; promise.

Bryan: Good, ‘cause I’m in…

(He exclaims and falls over; he lands on the table, getting the refreshments all over his clothes) 

Karen: What happened?

Bryan: Aw, man, it looks like my shoelaces got up together or sump’m…

(Becky puts a cactus on the sofa in the place where Bryan was sitting)

Karen: Are you okay?

Bryan: Am I okay?! No, I’m not okay! I got clam dip and fish chips all over me! If I was okay, I’d look different than this, wouldn’t I?!

(He sits on the cactus and screams in pain)

Karen: What’s wrong? It’s stuck to your butt…

Bryan: Oh, get it off! Careful, careful…

(She removes the cactus)

Karen: There; it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off.

Bryan: I am not…having a good time here.

Karen: Okay; listen, just sit down…and I’ll go get some ointment for your…your cactus injury.

Bryan: Bring me some water.

(Karen departs; Bryan sits down on the couch; Becky pours itching powder down the back of his shirt as Karen returns with the ointment)

Karen: Here’s some ointment.

Bryan: Thank you…just apply here…what the?…

(He starts itching)

Bryan: Oh! Can’t stop itching! Ugh!

(He continues screaming)

Karen: Is something wrong?

Bryan: Of course something’s wrong! What, does it look like I’m havin’ a good time here?!

Karen: Well, stop yelling at me!

Bryan: I’ll yell if I want!

(He tears off his shirt and continues itching and screaming)

Karen: I’m only trying to help!

Bryan: Well, you’re not doin’ a very good job!

Karen: You know what?! My sister was right! You are a tube!

(Becky, hiding behind the sofa, smiles mischievously)

Bryan: A tube?! You’re the tube!

Karen: That’s it! Out!

Bryan: Oh, fine!

(He leaves)

Karen: And if you don’t like my root beer, go call the root beer people for yourself!

(She slams the door; Becky walks up)

Becky: Oh; is your date over already?

Karen: Yeah, for good. You know, you were right about Bryan.

Becky: Hey…I know a tube when I see one.

Karen: Yeah.

Becky (looks at her watch): Hey, look; it’s only 7:30.

Karen: Yeah; and we still have time to catch the movie if you want.

Becky: Cool...

Karen: Come on…

Becky: All right.

(They depart for the movie)

(Season 2, episode 11: Xscape) ***

(A girl named Janet is standing at the Lost & Found desk)

Janet (Reyes; to the Lost & found woman): 'Scuse me?

Lost & Found woman (Denberg): #1?

Janet: Yes. I lost my backpack; has anyone turned one in?

Lost & Found woman: Is it a...black canvas bag with lights all around it?

Janet: Yes; that's the one!

(The woman places the aforementioned backpack on her desk)

Lost & Found woman: Ah, ah...wait just a minute. How do I know that this is yours?

Janet: Because I told you so.

Lost & Found woman: I'm instructed to get a detailed description before releasing any item.

Janet: Okay; I'll tell you what's inside.

(As she names the objects, the woman removes them one by one from the bag)

Janet: A calculator.

Lost & Found woman: Yep. What else?

Janet: A Teddy bear.

Lost & Found woman: Anything...unusual about the Teddy bear?

Janet: Yes; as a matter of fact, it only has one eye.

Lost & Found woman: So far, so good. Keep going.

Janet: Keep going? Isn't that enough?

Lost & Found woman: Well, there's a lot of stuff in here.

Janet: Okay. There's a glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty.

(The woman cups her hands around the statue to see if it glows)

Lost & Found woman: Doesn't look like it glows to me.

Janet: Well, you have to put it in the light first. There's a big red flashlight in my backpack; use that.

(The woman does so)

Lost & Found woman: Not much of a glow if you ask me, but...I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Janet (sarcastically): How generous of you. Now, may I have my stuff, please?

Lost & Found woman: Ah, ah...we have not yet established that this is "your stuff".

Janet: What about the hedge clippers? Sausage links?

Lost & Found woman: What about them?

Janet: Well, if this wasn't my backpack, how on Earth would I know they were in there?

Lost & Found woman: Lucky guess?

Janet: Well, that's five lucky guesses in a row.

Lost & Found woman: Look. People pick six winning numbers in the lottery every day. A lot of people. I'm not impressed! Besides...there's still one more thing in here.

Janet: Okay. There's a gold pendant with an inscription from my grandmother.

Lost & Found woman: Which says...?

Janet (as she talks, the woman lip-synchronizes): "To Janet,...I will always have a special place for you in my heart. Love, Grandma Eva".

Lost & Found woman: Aha! Nice try! This says "Love, Grandma Ethel", not "Eva". Close, but no backpack.

(Janet reads the inscription)

Janet: You're right. I can't believe it. I guess this isn't my stuff.

Lost & Found woman: That's exactly why we go through this procedure.

Janet: I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Lost & Found woman: Oh, quite all right; it happens all the time.

(She starts putting the things back into the backpack)

Good Burger customer [guest star Mark Curry]: Hey, man, wait a minute. Hey, what's wrong with you, man?! I drove through the drive-thru, and you threw food all over me!

Ed [Mitchell]: Uh...no?

Customer: Uh...yes...look at it, I got shake all on my shirt, these Good Chunks all over me; what is wrong with you?!

Ed: Uh...napkin?

Customer: Oh, yeah; that'll really help...no, I don't need no napkin!

Ed: Uh...moist towelette?

Customer: Oh...no, I don't need a moist towelette or a napkin; what I need is a shower!

Ed: Oh. Okay, hold on.

(Ed sprays the customer with ginger-ale)

Customer: What are you doing, man; what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing?! Why are you spraying me with water?!

Ed: I didn't. This was ginger-ale.

(Season 2, episode 14: Deborah Cox)

(A family, consisting of a father, mother, son, and daughter, comes home from grocery shopping)

Mother (Denberg): Uh, is this all the groceries from the car?

Father (Goodwin): You bet, honey.

(They start unpacking their groceries)'

Son (Server; takes the cereal, Toasted Oats): Hey, I get to look for the prize inside!

Daughter (Johnson): Hey, I want to open the cereal!

Son (opens the cereal and finds the prize): Hey, a glow-in-the-dark decoder ring!

Daughter: That's not fair...

Father: Aw; now, don't worry, pun'kin. You know, in this family, we share all the prizes.

Mother: You can open the mayonnaise. I'm going to look in the yogurt.

Father: All right.

(The daughter opens the mayonnaise and she finds a prize--a pair of sunglasses with midnight-blue lenses)

Daughter: Sunglasses!

(She puts them on)

Daughter: Cool...

Mother: Look, I found a Jogman radio in the yogurt!

Father: Oh, good for you, honey! Let's see what's in the lettuce...

(He finds money in the lettuce)

Father: A $5 bill! Oh, wait; there's more...a quarter!

Son: I'm gonna look in the hamburger meat.

(He finds a gold watch in it)

Father: Whatcha gettin', son?

Son: A gold watch!

Father: Oh, better than last time!

Mother: Wonderful.

Father: Another dollar in the lettuce...oh, and look here! A cashier's check for...$24.95!

Mother: That's wonderful, dear.

Father (notices the cottage cheese): Hey! That tub o'cottage cheese looks mighty lonely!

Daughter: I got it; I got it!

Father: All right, honey.

Son (reaches into the ice cream): Hey, Dad, look! Look what I found in the ice cream! An electric razor! Here, Pop.

Father (laughs): You nut!

(He takes the razor and starts shaving)

Father: Mmmmm! Smooth!

Daughter (finds a diamond necklace in the cottage cheese): A diamond necklace!

(She puts it on)

Mother: You needed another one?

Father: Oh, another $5 in the lettuce. What a head!

Mother (gasps): Look what I found in the flour! A toupee!

(She puts it on the father's head)

Mother: I'm going to look in the turkey! Look, everybody; a chicken! We're truly blessed.

Father: That we are.

Father (to the daughter): Congratulations on the necklace, honey!

Daughter: I just got lucky.

Son: That's a great toupee, Dad.

Father: Thanks. It's hair-rific!

Mother: How much money did you find in that lettuce?

Father: Well, let's see...$36.20.

(He takes a bite of it, and finds a dime)

Father: Oh, wait a minute; hold on! Ho-ho; $36.30!

(They all laugh)

Son: We're so lucky!

(Season 1, episode 7: Coolio)

Host of "What's in the Box?" [Server] to one of the contestants, Paula Bahre [Denberg]: Paula, get ready.

Announcer [to the viewers]: Inside the box...is an orange.

Host: Paula...your first question, dear?

Paula: Is it a fruit?

(Bell dings)

Host: Yes!

Paula: Is it orange?

(Bell dings)

Host: Wait...now, wait a minute. Now, Paula...did you ask if it's the color orange, or an actual orange, as in, the fruit?

Paula: I was asking if it was the color orange.

Host: Okay; yes, it is the color orange, and, uh...I have a feeling that she's gonna guess what's in the box now.

Paula: Me, too. Is it some sort of musical instrument?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: No; Paula? We've already told you it's a fruit...and it's orange.

Paula: Is it a trumpet?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: No! Paula! We've told you that it is not a musical instrument, and that it is a fruit, and that it is orange...as in a fruit that is orange, or an orange fruit...

Paula: Do you use it in a bathtub?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: Is there something wrong with you? You were on the right track when you guessed that it was a small, orange fruit! Orange! O, R, A, N, G, E...orange!

Paula: Is it bigger than that box?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: No, it's not bigger than the box! It's inside the box, Paula. How could it be bigger than the box?

Paula: Is it a kangaroo?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: Is my mic on? Testing...testing...

Paula: So then it's not a kangaroo?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: Is there something wrong with your head? A kangaroo is a large marsupial. This is a small, orange fruit. Orange! Orange! Orange!

(Takes the orange out of the box and shows it to Paula)

Host: Does this look like a kangaroo to you?

Paula: Is it blue?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Announcer: Time's up!

(Closing music plays, lights turn off)

Host: Wait, stop the music! Turn the lights back on!

(Music stops, lights come back on)

Host: Time is definitely, definitely not up! I'm the host around here, and nobody, I mean nobody is going anywhere, until this freak guesses what's in the box! Now, look, freak! It's a small, orange fruit! It has a navel. It has an orange rind, that you can peel. It's orange, orange!

(He hands the orange to her)

Paula: I give up?

(Buzzer buzzes)

Host: You can't give up! You cannot give up; you can't, you can't you can't you can't! It grows on an orange tree! You can make orange juice out of it! I've showed it to you; it's round; it's ORANGE! ORANGE! ORANGE!!...

Ronald (guest star Steve Freeman): I'm Ronald, your new stage manager.

(Season 3, episode 2: Montell Jordan)

Ronald: The show will be starting in just a moment.

Ronald: You have, um...a limited amount of time.

Complaint Department lady [Denberg]: Welcome to the Complaint Department.

Customer #1 [Thompson, carrying a Lameboy video game]: Hi; how you doin'? Um...I bought this Lameboy video game here last week, and it's broken.

(She takes the video game, thinking it's a phone, and uses it as such)

Complaint Department lady: Hello? Complaint Department, may I help you?

Customer #1: Uh...what are you doing?

Complaint Department lady: Shhhh! I'm on the phone! Hello? Hello?

Complaint Department lady [to the customer]: They hung up; thanks a lot!

Customer #1: Um, excuse me, ma'am. This is a video game, not a telephone. And it's broken.

Complaint Department lady: And...what's your...complaint?

Customer #1: That it's broken!

Complaint Department lady: Have you tried painting it?

Customer #1: Huh?

(She takes a can of spray paint, and colors the video game chartreuse)

Complaint Department lady: There.

Customer #1: "There" what?

Complaint Department lady: It's all...pretty.

Customer #1: "Pretty"? It's pretty broken...and now it's green for no good reason.

Complaint Department lady: You're welcome.

Customer #1: No. No, I'm not welcome. See, I wanna return this.

Complaint Department lady: Oh, you can't return that; it's been painted.

Customer #1: I'm out to complain about you.

Complaint Department lady: Oh, then you'll have to go to the back of the line; next?

Customer #1 (leaving): You make my head hurt.

Customer #2 [Reyes, carrying a CD player]: Hello; I bought this CD player here, and it...won't play.

Complaint Department lady: Won't play what?

Customer #2 (holding up two CDs): CDs.

Complaint Department lady: Yes, I...I see those.

Customer #2: No; I didn't say "See these?"; I said "CDs". This player won't play them.

(The Complaint Department lady takes the CD player and sniffs it)

Complaint Department lady: I don't smell anything.

Customer #2: It's not supposed to smell!

Complaint Department lady: Then why are you complaining?

Customer #2: Because I wanna listen to music!

Complaint Department lady: Oh.

Complaint Department lady [singing]: Meatballs keep rollin' off my plate. My noodle gets lonely without meatballs to relate. Cryin' over beef, 'cause meatballs...

Customer #2: Silence! I don't wanna hear you sing; especially not about your meatballs!

Complaint Department lady: Is that your complaint?

Customer #2: Yes. I mean, no. I mean...I don't know what I mean.

Complaint Department lady: Ah.

Complaint Department lady [resumes singing]: Meatballs keep tellin' me to kill'...

Customer #2: Okay; bye-bye!

(She leaves)

Customer #3 [guest star Joe Candelora, carrying a watch]: Hi; I got this watch as a gift...

Complaint Department lady: A gift? For me? Oh; that's so nice; you shouldn't have!

Customer #3: I didn't. You see, someone gave it to me; it doesn't work; that's why I'm taking it back, see?

Complaint Department lady: You're taking it back? But you just gave it to me.

Customer #3: All right, all right; look, look, look; let's start over again. Hi. My wife gave me this watch, and now...

Complaint Department lady: You're married? Well, you've got a lot of nerve giving me expensive gifts behind your wife's back! Oh, just keep your stinkin' watch!

Customer #3: But it's broken.

Complaint Department lady: So is my heart! Now, go!

Customer #3 (leaving): What planet are you from?

Complaint Department lady: Earth. Next?

Customer #4 [Bates, carrying a stuffed toy penguin]: Uh, yes...this, uh, bird...

Complaint Department lady: He's married, and he comes in here trying to smuggle me with cheap, broken watches! I'm not for sale, ya know! My love can't be bought, returned, and complained about!

(Customer #4 leaves, while the Complaint Department lady cries and hugs the penguin)

(Season 2, episode 14: Deborah Cox)

(Connie Muldoon enters Good Burger)

Ed [Mitchell]: Hey, Connie!

Connie Muldoon [Denberg]: Hello; I'm Connie Muldoon!

Ed: I know. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?

Connie Muldoon: Yes; I would like to try your new Good Good Good Good Burger!

Ed: Sorry; we don't serve that here.

Connie Muldoon: Oh; yes ya do!

Ed: 'Fraid not.

Connie Muldoon: Oh; 'fraid so! Look! Look, the writing on that sign, see? See all the hoopla? See? The Good Good Good Good Burger! The burger with four meat patties!

Ed: Oh, who's Patty?

Connie Muldoon: No...meat patty!

Ed: Where is she?

Connie Muldoon: Who?

Ed: Patty.

Connie Muldoon: There is no Patty!

Ed: Then how can I meet her?

Connie Muldoon: No, cabbage pot! I'm talking about meat patties!

Ed: So, you wanna meet Patty.

Connie Muldoon: No! Four meat patties! Four, four four!

Ed [on the microphone]: 444 meat patties to go!

Connie Muldoon: Well, you're screwy; I'm exiting!

Ed: Oh, hey; say hi to Patty!

Connie Muldoon: Screwy!

(She leaves)

(Season 3, episode 11: NAS)

Winter Wonders [Knowings]: Hi, people. I'm Winter Wonders, and this is the game show called "What Do You Do?", where our panel tries to figure out what some kid does.

('What Do You Do?' is a parody of the Nickelodeon game show 'Figure It Out', which is hosted by Summer Sanders)

Winter: Now, let's meet our panel from Dullmont Junior High School...Principal Pimpell...Miss Fingerly...Coach Kreeton...

Coach Kreeton: Dahhhhh!

Winter: ...and...Kevin? You're not from Dull Junior High.

Kevin Kopelow: I'm not wearing any pants.

Coach Kreeton: Dah! Now, why does Coach Kreeton have to sit next to Kevin, huh? Oh, that's nasty! That's just nasty! What's Coach Kreeton gonna do?! What's Coach Kreeton gonna do?! OH, oh, oh, OH!!

Winter: Okay, let's bring on our first contestant, Kalie Lipp.

(Kalie [Bynes] comes out and sits in the contestant's chair)

Kalie: Hi, Winter Wonders!

Winter: Okay; now, remember, Kalie, if any of the panelists cannot guess what you do, you win Barbara's New Fresno Dream Hut!

(A pink dollhouse with a purple jeep is shown)

Kalie: Wow, I'd love to have that hut!

Winter: Yeah; wouldn't ya just? Now, let's tell the audience at home what Kalie does.

Announcer [to the viewers]: Kalie...licks lobsters.

Winter: The first guess is...Principal Pimpell.

Principal Pimpell: Principal William Baines Pimpell! Now, Kalie, as principal of Dullmont Junior High School, I'd like to ask you this question. Does what you do...have anything to do...with the nasty, bulbous pimple on m'forehead?

Kalie: Uh...no.

Miss Fingerly: My turn, my turn!

Coach Kreeton: Ahhhh!

Miss Fingerly: Kalie...does what you do have anything to do...with the nasty, bulbous pimple on Principal Pimpell's forehead?

Kalie: I said, "No".

Principal Pimpell: Now, Miss Fingerly, if you had listened...you would know that I had already posed...that question, prior to what you were saying.

Miss Fingerly [pressing his pimple]: Why won't that pop?

Winter: Coach Kreeton, your guess.

Coach Kreeton: Oh, yeah! All right, now, let me get this straight...if, uh, Coach Kreeton guesses what Kalie-Kalie does, then little Kalie-Kalie doesn't get the pink, pretty dollhouse!

Winter: That's right!

Coach Kreeton: Hehe...hehe...hehe...goo-oo-ood. All right, now, Kalie! Do whatcha do...have anything to do...with my sad, miserable life?!

Kalie: Uh, no.

Winter: Your guess, Kevin.

Coach Kreeton: No! No! Let me go again! Let me go again! I'll do it!

(Grabs Kevin by the head)

Kevin: I pass to Coach Kreeton.

Coach Kreeton: Goo-oo-ood...

(Lets go of Kevin)

Coach Kreeton: Now, Kalie...do you...lick lobsters?

(Bell dings)

Winter: Correct!

Coach Kreeton: Oh, yeah!

Coach Kreeton [to Kalie]: How does it feel, to be a loser, like Coach Kreeton?! Me a loser; now, you a loser! Ha-ha-ha!

Kalie [to Winter, sadly]: But I wanted to win Barbara's Fresno Dream Hut.

Winter [cheerfully]: Sorry!

(A wrecking ball destroys the dollhouse)

Coach Kreeton: Whoa! No more dolly hut! No more dolly hut! **

Golfer [Thompson] to the Lemonade Scammer: Um, excuse me, have you seen my hat?

(He notices the hat on her lemonade stand)

Golfer: Oh, there it is.

Lemonade Scammer: Oh, you want this hat? That'll be 300 bucks.

Golfer: Three--hun--I'm sorry; look, I am not paying you any $300 for my own hat!

Lemonade Scammer's assistant [Bynes]: Then make is 400.

Golfer: 400? Where did you come--oh, no. I ain't payin'. Nuh-uh.

(The Lemonade Scammer and her assistant cry in unison, prompting the golfer to pay)

Quik'N'Fast customer [Bynes]: Excuse me, can I have change for a 20?

LaTanya [Cannon]: Oo-oo, of course you can, 'cause this is Quik'N'Fast, the bank!

LaNeesha [Thompson]: [to LaTanya] Wait a minute, girl! I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the store!

LaTanya: Oo-oo-oo; you is so right, LaNeesha! I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right!

LaTanya: [to the customer] So, I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then!

Quik'N'Fast customer: Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum.

LaTanya: And I give you your change!

(She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.)

LaTanya: 1...3...13...it's all here.

Quik'N'Fast customer: Hey, I didn't want pennies!

LaNeesha: Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just beggin' for change, and now she don't want it!

LaTanya: Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay? Bye!

(Coach Dullard, a gym coach [Server], is coaching a boy named Bruno [Thompson] to become a ballerina in Miss Fingerly's [Denberg] ballet class; they are performing The Joyful Kumquat. Bruno has just gotten kicked by one of the other ballet students [Johnson] while the class has done pliés; before this, they had done "fondues" and "créme brûlées".)

Coach Dullard: WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLIÉ!

Bruno: But...she kicked...me hard, Coach.

Coach Dullard: SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO!

Bruno: But, she's real strong, and look, she ripped my tutu.

Coach Dullard: That's just "tutu" bad, isn't it?!

Principal Pimpell: [while teaching the "gifted" class] "Now, did everybody here read Chapter 1?"

Student #1 [Server]: "Uh, Principal Pimpell. These books you gave us are weird".

Student #2 [Reyes]: "Yeah; no pictures".

Student #3 [Johnson]: "They're just full of these pages with little black squiggles".

Principal Pimpell: "No; you got it upside down. Now, these little black 'squiggles' are symbols called 'letters'. Now, now, together, these letters form visual representations of words, like, for example, let me see...'coconut'! 'Coconut' is a word. Can anybody say, 'coconut'?"

Student #4 [Denberg]: "C-C-C-scissors?"

Miss Fingerly [Denberg]: All right, class. Today, we will be discussing popular music. Now, who can tell me the name of the very first CD ever released by Boyz II Men?

(Harpo raises his hand.)

Miss Fingerly: All right, um...Harpo?

Harpo [Thompson]: Oh, yes! Okay, all right, the very first CD by Boyz II Men was called "II".

Balthazar [Mitchell]: Noooo...it's "Cooleyhighharmony".

Harpo: No! You're wrong, man! It was called "II"!

Balthazar: "Cooleyhighharmony"!

Harpo: "II"!

Balthazar: "Cooleyhighharmony"!

Harpo: "II"!

Balthazar: Oh! "Cooleyhighharmony"!

Harpo: Oh! I hate you!

Balthazar: You make me sad!

Harpo: Okay; fine, Balthazar! Okay; so, like, you think that Boyz II Men's first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony". But I know who can settle this, man.

(Harpo goes to the door and opens it.)

Harpo: Chuh-guh!

(The members of the musical guest, Boyz II Men--Nathan Morris, Michael McCary, Wanya Morris, and Marc Nelson--enter the classroom.)

Harpo: Hey! Boyz II Men! Okay, men, Balthazar there says that your first CD was entitled "Cooleyhighharmony", but I think that it was called "II". So, who's right?

Marc Nelson: Well, Harpo, I hate to tell you this, but, um, Balthazar is right.

Wanya Morris: Yeah. Our first CD was called "Cooleyhighharmony"; the second one was entitled "II".

Nathan Morris: Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, you know, like, "II"..."II", the second...second album.

Harpo: I feel so foolish.

(Episode: "Boyz II Men")

Randy's grandfather [guest star Tommy Davidson, after Randy has run up his chocolate bill too high]: You bought 7,000 chocolate bars, 6½ pounds of chocolate chunkies, 95 gallons of chocolate syrup, a chocolate dip-a-dee-doo-dah, and some chocolate chimichanga-choo-choo-changos; I don't even know what those are.

(What the "Whatever Girls" usually say)

Gina and Jessica (in unison): Okay, okay, okay, okay, OKAY!!!

Second Run (seasons 7-10)

Chelsea Brummet

Bridget: "Hi! I'm Bridget, and this is my...SLUMBER PARTY!"

Abby Rhodes: "Like, okay, okay?"

Mega Butt: "Butt powers ACTIVATE!"

Jack DeSena

Slimon Bowel: "I hate you all."

Randy Quench: "Here comes me!"

Randy Quench: "I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!"

Other character [Brummet]: "You're a volunteer lunatic..."

Carson Daly: "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!"

Lisa Foiles

Claudia: "When life gives me lemons, I suck them."

Claudia: "I want to give you all an infection."

Bridget [Brummet]: "Infect people later..."

Heather Darling: "INCOMING!!!"

Heather Darling: "That's my name!"

Kaffy: "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!"

Kyle Sullivan

Harry Bladder: "Weenius nosium!"

(Sacco [Lyons] had enlarged Herhiney's [Foiles] buttocks.)

Brian Peafest: "Who will be the next American Idiot?"

Buzz: "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

Ernie: "Here comes the loopy-de-loop."

Shane Lyons

Soupdude: "I'm not Superdude! I'm...Soupdude!"

Soupdude: "I do make wonderful soup. That's why they call me...Soupdude!"

Giovonnie Samuels

Mandy Snackson: "Dawg, you did your thing."

Driving Instructor: "Don't be distracted by distractions!"

Dill: "Once upon a time...there was this little puppy named Cuddles. And then...Cuddles ate a huge banana split!"

Bryan Hearne

Re-Ron: "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!"

Zigfried: "KUMQUAT!...jerk."

Jamie Lynn Spears

Thelma Stump: "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goo-oo-ood."

Carlee:"I'm Carlee--"

Marlee [Foiles]: "--and I'm Marlee--"

Both [in unison]: "--and we've got a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!"

Christina Kirkman

Cindy Lou Rougeneck: "I want some babyback ribs!"

Sunshine Sally: "So, go get the tacos."

Kianna Underwood

Kareena Jones: "Sass-er-frass!"

Kareena Jones: "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!"

Denzel Whitaker

Cupid: "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" (the part had previously been played by Lyons)

Jeff Bester: "When it comes to safety, I know bester!"

Jeff Bester: "Yo-yo's going crazy."

Jeff Bester: "Jeff Bester deems these crayons...UNSAFE!"

(He makes a loud buzzer noise.)

Other

Lady in Shane's Mouth [Schneider]: "Don't live in a mouth!"

Announcer [Brian Peck]: "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars...Denzel Vinegar...he’s a guy who…"

Denzel: "Hey!"

Announcer: "Yeah?"

Denzel: "The name’s Denzel Whitaker…not Vinegar."

Announcer: "Sorry. Darnell Spitlicker…he loves to buy lotion, and…"

Denzel: "DUDE…my name is Denzel Whitaker."

Announcer: "That’s what I said."

Denzel: "NO…you said 'Darnell Spitlicker'.”

Announcer: "What’s the diff?"

Denzel: "The diff is…one is my name…one isn’t!"

Announcer: "Denzel Whitaker…"

Denzel: "Thank you."

Announcer: "His name is Doorknob Fiffiffer!"

Denzel: "'Fiffiffer'?! That’s not even a name!"

Announcer (scoffs): "This clown doesn’t even know his own name!"

Denzel: "Yes, I do! It’s Denzel Whitaker!"

Announcer: "So?"

Denzel: "'So' what?!"

Announcer: "Can I help you?"

Denzel: "Yeah; do the 'Know Your Stars' thing."

Announcer: "I can’t begin 'Know Your Stars' until Denzel Whitaker arrives."

Denzel: "I’m here!"

Announcer: "Did you bring Denzel with you?"

Denzel: "I’M Denzel Whitaker!"

Announcer: "Oo-oo-oo, big deal!"

Denzel: "What?!"

Announcer: "Now you know…Doombar Fig-Popper!" ****

Third Run (season 11)

Kate Godfrey

Marie Kiddo: (in a boys-only treehouse) "Welcome back to Getting Rid Of Your Stuff. I'm your host, Marie Kiddo. I help people decide what to keep, and what to get rid of. Today, I'm here at this super-secret clubhouse for boys."

(The treehouse belongs to two friends, Chad and Randy, who are asleep in their hammocks.)

Marie Kiddo: "HI, CHAD AND RANDY!"

(Chad and Randy fall out of their hammocks.)

Chad (Ryan Alessi): "Marie? How'd you get in here?"

Randy (Lex Lumpkin): "No girls allowed, Marie."

(Randy points to where it says "Boys Only" on one of the treehouse walls.)

Chad: "Yeah; didn't you read the sign?"

Marie Kiddo: "Yep."

(She notices some comic books of theirs, and picks them up.)

Marie Kiddo: "Tell me about these comic books. Do they bring you joy?"

Chad: "Yep; they're colorful and violent."

Marie Kiddo: "Then we keep the comics."

Randy: "Okay."

(She puts them down, and then notices the beanbag chairs.)

Marie Kiddo: "How about these old beanbag chairs? Do they spark gladness?"

Chad: "Spark gladness?"

Randy: "You mean, does Chad fart in them?"

Chad: "Randy!"

Randy: "Hey, you spark somethin' in them all the time."

Marie Kiddo: "In that case, we thank you, beanbag chairs, and we give a little giggle."

(She giggles mischievously.)

Marie Kiddo: "DESTROOOOY!"

(She makes three long steel claws, similar to those of Wolverine from X-Men, emerge from each of her hands, and she uses these claws to destroy the beanbag chairs.)

Chad: "Marie! I sit in those!"

Marie Kiddo: "THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD!"

(short pause)

Marie Kiddo: "And we're calm."

Positive Poppi: "Hi! I'm Positive Poppi. Today's inspirational quote to keep in mind is, 'Life is a gift'."

(A giant present, wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with red flowers and tied with green ribbon, falls on her; only her feet are now visible.)

Positive Poppi: "Stay positive!"

Ava Allswell (a reporter, played by Gabrielle Nevaeh Green, who is interviewing a girl named Tammy TMI, regarding the vandalization of the statue of W. D. Ford, the founder of the city; Tammy has a tendency to overshare information about herself): "Can you tell us your name?"

Tammy TMI: "My name is Tammy, but most people call me by my middle name."

Ava Allswell: "And what's that?"

Tammy TMI: "Tammy..."

Ava Allswell: "Police say the statue was defaced between the hours of 4 and 5 AM. You were awake?"

Tammy TMI: "Oh, I don't follow a traditional sleep schedule. I take thousands of one-second-long naps all throughout the day. In fact, I've already taken 14 naps since we started this interview...15!"

Ava Allswell: "Can you please just tell us what the vandal looked like?"

Tammy TMI: "Wish I could. I have this condition called short-term facial memory loss; I forget a face almost immediately after I see it. Have we met? I'm Tammy."

Gabrielle Nevaeh Green

Alicia: (to a customer at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee) "Good morning! I'm Alicia, your barista. Welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Would you like to taste-test our new espresso?"

(Alicia takes a sip of the espresso, then discards the cup.)

Alicia: "YOLO! Ever been to Yolo County in California? It's a real place!"

(She runs over to a map of the lower 48 states, and points out Yolo County, California.)

Alicia: "See?"

Customer (Reece Caddell): "It is way too early for whatever is happening right now."

Alicia: "Early bird gets the worm! Do you know some people refer to the worm as the caterpillar? The dance, not the animal. Can you do the worm? I can."

(She lies face-down on the floor and does the "Worm" dance.)

Customer: "I--can I just have an iced coffee?"

Alicia: "Sure!"

(Alisha goes back behind the counter.)

Alicia: "Would you like that teeny tiny, medium, medium plus, biggie small, or a super duper?"

(She places a super duper-sized display cup on the counter.)

Customer: "That's way too big."

Alicia: "Okay, too big!"

(She discards the super duper-sized cup.)

Alicia: (discarding the teeny tiny-sized display cup) "Too small!"

Alicia: (taking a sip from her own medium-sized cup of coffee) "Ah, just right! Did you know Goldilocks originally had silver hair? Guess it was really someone's Grandma sneaking into that bears' house. My Grandma's name is Carrie; what's yours?"

Customer: "Can I just have a coff--"

Alicia: "Is it Geraldine?"

Customer: "A coffee with--"

Alicia: "Ruby?"

Customer: "No!"

Alicia: "Lucille?"

Customer: "You know what? Forget it; I'm awake!"

Alicia: "Thanks for waking up at Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee!"

(The customer smiles sarcastically, and then she leaves.)

Customer (Godfrey): "Good morning."

Alicia: "Good morning; welcome to Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee...Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!"

Nathan Janak

(As himself, he hosts the sketch Cancelled With Nathan.)

•Welcome to...Cancelled, With Nathan. I am here to tell you what is now officially cancelled, and why. Up next we have people just saying "'K" instead of "O. K.". Yes, "'kay" is...cancelled! No, I am not cancelling the letter "K". It can stay. I need to spell words like "kangaroo"...and "kazoo". And "knight", even though it is silent. But replying with "'K" instead of "O. K." is not O. K.. I texted my friend Jeremy a question. I asked, "Hey, Jeremy, when you're done with that skateboard, can you let me know, because I want to use it next?". And he replied with..."'K". Have you ever heard anything more rude in your whole life?! What, am I not worth the 'O'?! I was under the impression that we were friends. What kind of friend is too lazy to reply back with two syllables?! I got him the exact limited edition skateboard that he wanted for his birthday. And in return, I can't even get two letters?! Phew! Well, guess what, Jeremy. Maybe I'm too lazy to say all of "Jeremy" now. So from now on, you're "Jair"..."'K"?

•Hi; welcome to...Cancelled, With Nathan. I'm here to tell you what is now officially cancelled and why. Up next, we have the emoji that looks, like, this: 😜. Yes, the emoji with one eye closed and its tongue out is now...cancelled! I tried to text my friend Katherine a question. I said, "How do you think you did on the science test today?". And her reply...was this: 😜. What does that even mean?! Never, in my life have I asked somebody a question, and that was my reply. If a waiter came up to me and asked me, "How was your meal?", and my reply was '😜', he would think I was crazy, and he wouldn't be wrong! I still have no idea how Katherine feels about the science test today, so for that reason, the emoji with one eye closed and its tongue out, is now...CANCELLED! Whoo!

Lex Lumpkin

Long Coat: "All right! We've assembled some of the toughest, most ruthless villains in all of Cityville. Robo Arms! Rocket Shoes! And Hot Breath! The first place we hit is the bank, and with all of us, Hero Boy won't be able to stop us!"

Robo Arms (Chinguun Sergelen): "If Hero Boy comes anywhere near us, I'll destroy him by launching a truck at him with the sheer force of my arms!"

All: "YEAH!"

Rocket Shoes (Green): "If I see him, I will blast into him full speed with the immense power of my rockets!"

All: "YEAH!"

Hot Breath (Godfrey): "And I'll breathe a gaping hole into the ground until Hero Boy falls to him doom!"

All: "YEAH!"

Long Coat: "And I'll have this...very long coat. Now, when we first get in the bank, I..."

(Robo Arms raises his right hand.)

Long Coat: "What is it, Robo Arms?"

Robo Arms: "Am I the only one who feels like...the coat really isn't that helpful? I mean, we all explained what we would do in full detail, but--"

Long Coat: "Bad guys always wear long coats. It's scary."

Chinguun Sergelen

Benny: "Hey, it's Unboxing With Benny, the show where I open boxes and show you guys what's inside. And I'm very excited about this one, guys. This is the new Funtendo 64 gaming system. Oh, you've never heard of it? That's because it doesn't come out for another year! Lucky for you, I'm famous, so they sent me one. Let the unboxing begin!"

(Benny tries in vain to open his package.)

Benny: "Mmm, sturdy packaging...this is a little harder to open than I thought. BRB."

(Cut to him holding a pair of heavy-duty scissors.)

Benny: "Trust me, you guys are gonna freak when you see what's in this box..."

Announcer: "FREAK!"

(Benny tries to cut the box open, but the scissors break.)

Benny: "...just as soon as I can get it open. Trust me, you will freak."

Announcer: "FREAK!"

(Benny calls Funtendo Customer Support, and talks to an agent.)'

Funtendo Customer Support agent (on the phone): "Funtendo Customer Support. If you need help, say 'help'".

Benny: "Help!"

Funtendo Customer Support agent: "Did you say...'applesauce'?"

Benny: "Applesauce?! Why would I say 'applesauce'?!"

Funtendo Customer Support agent: "Transferring you to...applesauce."

Reece Caddell

(In this season, she is the host of Vital Information.)

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beans make the farts go longer."

"Out of sight, out of mind? Out of money, out of ice cream; you know what I'm saying."

"If you're in a pickle...get outta that pickle, man; come on!"

"Open the window and the air in...unless Aaron is a jewel thief."

"If a train is traveling from Chicago to New York at 130 miles an hour, and the train leaves at 8:35 in the morning...you should fly. It's way faster."

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Unless they are eggs. Never join eggs. Trust me."

"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You also shouldn't cover your book with peanut butter, and run around school, saying, 'Don't be jelly...'."

Ryan Alessi

Other character (Caddell): "O, M, G. I heard Scary Basement IV is so much scarier than the first three."

Other character (Aria Brooks): "I heard the first ten seconds are the scariest ten seconds in cinema history. #ScaryBasementIVChallenge."

(She shrieks in delight.)

Other character (Caddell): "Can't wait!"

T@$#le!gh: "Soooo scared! O. M. G.; tag me in that. It's T@$#le!gh. T-at sign-dollar sign-hashtag-L-E-exclamation point-G-H."

Other character (Aria Brooks): "Guys...don't look, it's Tevin; O..."

Other character (Caddell): "...M..."

T@$#le!gh: "...G!"

Tevin (Godfrey): "Bro, bro, I'm so gonna make it through the first ten seconds, no prob."

Other character (Lumpkin): "Dude, I don't know. Trad saw Scary Basement and his whole family had to move to a house without a basement."

Other character (Janak): "Bro, I am so stoked; I am not even scared at all."

Tevin: "At all, bro."

Other character (Lumpkin): "Bro!"

Other character (Janak): "Bro!"

(All three fist-bump.)

Announcer: "It's time for the world's easiest game show, Simplicity! And here's your host, Dell Devine!"

Dell Devine (Alessi): "Welcome to Simplicity, the simplest game show in the whole world. Let's meet our contestants for today. From East Dakota, Linda Schnutzenberger."

Linda Schnutzenberger (Caddell): "Hi!"

Dell Devine: "And from Dallas, Canada...Larry Van Halen!"

Larry Van Halen (Sergelen): "Whuh-sup?"

Dell Devine: "Let's play Simplicity. The rules are simple. I'll ask a question. If you know the answer, press one green button and two red ones. If you don't know the answer, pull the lever and honk the horn. But if you hear this sound..."

(The buzzer sounds.)

Dell Devine: "...push a blue button, wait three seconds, then twist the purple knob. Whatever you do, do not touch the kazoo. Everybody ready?"

Linda Schnutzenberger: "Ready..."

Larry Van Halen: "NOOOO..."

Dell Devine: "First question. What sport is played with a basketball?"

Larry Van Halen: "Basketball!"

Dell Devine: "That is correct!"

Larry Van Halen: "Yes!"

Dell Devine: "But you forgot to ring a bell."

Larry Van Halen: "What bell?"

(The buzzer sounds.)

Linda Schnutzenberger: "Basketball."

Dell Devine: "Correct! Linda wins Round 1!"

Larry Van Halen: "But, she didn't ring a bell."

Dell Devine: "Yes, Larry. That's because after one contestant answers incorrectly, the other contestant can answer if they're eating a 12-foot party sub."

(Linda is revealed to be doing this.)

Dell Devine: "And now, it's time for Round 6!"

Larry Van Halen: "Wha--Round 6? Can we go over the rules again?"

Dell Devine: "No...next question. How many eggs are in a dozen?"

Larry Van Halen: "Twelve."

(A fisherman enters, and hits Larry with a large-mouthed spotted bass.)

Larry Van Halen: "Hey! What was that?!"

Dell Devine: "You got the answer wrong. So you got slapped in the face with a large-mouthed spotted bass!"

Larry Van Halen: "But...a dozen is twelve."

Dell Devine: "But, in Round 6, all the answers are supposed to be divided by six, so the correct answer is two. Linda?"

Linda Schnutzenberger: "Nine."

Larry Van Halen: "You're gonna get slapped with a fish--"

(The fisherman returns, and again hits Larry with the fish.)

Larry Van Halen: "Why me?! The right answer was two!"

Dell Devine: "That's because you are in Round 6. Linda is in Round 3. The rules are pretty clear, Larry."

Linda Schnutzenberger (to Larry): "What are you not understanding?"

Larry Van Halen: "A lot!"

Aria Brooks

Lt. Uhlot: (an extraterrestrial, of Star Crew) "Well...Officer 'Smart'...the Klorgons are still here, and they're still mad!"

Klorgon leader (Caddell): "And covered in various teas."

(Officer Smart [Janak] miscalculated that dousing the hostile Klorgon extraterrestrials with iced tea would be sufficient to defeat them.)

(All of Officer Smart's calculations have proven inaccurate.)

Lt. Uhlot: "Enough! No more of your stupid calculations! Because according to my calculations, you have yet to be right!"

Other

(Singer Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, known professionally as H. E. R. [Having Everything Revealed], is the musical guest for this episode; she is at Good Burger, and she has given Ed her order.)

Ed (Kel Mitchell): "What's the name on the order?"

H. E. R.: "H. E. R.."

Ed: "Oh, you...you want it in her name?"

(He points to another woman who is eating at Good Burger.)

H. E. R.: "No, no. I'm H. E. R.."

Ed: "Oh, okay; well, if you're her, then who is she?"

H. E. R.: "I don't know who she is. Listen carefully, okay? My name...is H. E. R.. H. E. R. is me."

Ed: "I thought I was me. And I thought you were her."

H. E. R.: "She is her."

Ed: "Oh. Okay; then, who am I?"

H. E. R.: "Can we just stop trying to figure out who everybody else is, please?"

Ed: "No, no, no, no; I think I got it. Okay. You're you, she's her, and you're also her. All right, but she's not you. Okay? And then I'm not her, because I'm me. But...sometimes, I'm you. All right? So, she's not me...okay...and she's not you, and she's not her, and I don't know who the heck that is."

(He points to another man at Good Burger.)

External links

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All That

•*All That quotes at the Internet Movie Database YouTube: All That Official

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