30 Rock (season 3)

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30 Rock (2006–2013) is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show originally called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon.

Do-Over [3.1]

Jack: What I'm saying is: don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny?

Manny: Tomorrow I show up for work, dressed as a Mexican Wrestler.

Jack: This is G.E.!

Devon Banks: It's just G now, Jack, I sold the E. To Samsung. They're Samesung now.

Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.

Jack: That man can wear a sweater.

Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt?

Liz: Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...

Bev: Infertility? or Other.

Liz: Other.

Believe in the Stars [3.2]

Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!

Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.

Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Jeffrey: Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that?

Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.

Tracy: What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

Jack: Be a white man. Take credit.

The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]

Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.

Jack: Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.

Liz: What is wrong with you men? You're like junkies...why can't you just say no?

Jack: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack and their self-loathing translates into... never mind.

Liz: You’re breaking union rules. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. And you’re potentially infringing on Warner Brothers intellectual property. Shut this down!

Tracy: I want a different answer. Where’s Jack Donaghy?

Liz: No there’s no more Jack. He’s dead to us. Break this down! Everybody out!

Gavin Volure [3.4]

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.

Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?

Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!

Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?

Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!

Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.

Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?

Liz: Oh God, this dream again.

Tracy: That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

Gavin Volure: He's gonna' do it! Gavin Volure's gonna' jump!

Jack Donaghy: Don't Gavin! That's gotta be fifteen, sixteen feet!

Jack Donaghy: I thought by now you’d be somewhere that US law couldn’t touch you; like Bali, or Utah.

Reunion [3.5]

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.

Liz: I sure am.

Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.

Liz: That's his opinion.

Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?

Jenna: Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?

Christmas Special [3.6]

Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?

Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.

Tracy: In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo—

Liz: Kwanzaa.

Tracy: And shalamzazam to you too, my sister.

Senor Macho Solo [3.7]

Tracy: They do that a lot in movies: An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.

Jack: Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.

Flu Shot [3.8]

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?

Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.

Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.

Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.

Tracy: So... go do that.

Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.

[long pause]

Jenna: I don't understand.

Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...

Tracy: My what?!

Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement...

Tracy: No!

Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...

Tracy: With what? My arms?

Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.

Tracy: That'll be the worst part!

Jenna: [having an idea] I've got it!

Tracy: Give it to me! It's mine!

Retreat To Move Forward [3.9]

Jack: Lemon, this is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I don’t know how to say this… de-ay-bah-tees?

Tracy: Diabetes?

Dr. Spaceman: That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.

Generalissimo [3.10]

Liz: That's what I could do to Drew.

Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.

Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.

Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.

Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.

Jack: But that's impossible.

Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.

Jack: You really think you can pull that off?

Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.

Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.

St. Valentine's Day [3.11]

Elisa: You over-analyze everything with your big head!

Jack: Well you have big boobs.

Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!

Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Priest: Don't you have faith?

Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.

Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.

Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.

Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.

Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?

Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?

Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...

Elisa: How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!

Larry King [3.12]

Tracy: What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.

Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?

Tracy: You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

Goodbye, My Friend [3.13]

Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.

Frank: My client has no memory of that.

Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.

Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?

Jack: You've seen it?

Liz: This is my life, Jack!

The Funcooker [3.14]

Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?

The Bubble [3.15]

Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.

Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.

Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.

Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Jack: I know.

Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?

Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.

Liz: Can I keep that?

Jack: No. It's my only copy.

Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.

Liz: Or thanked! ...on.

Apollo, Apollo [3.16]

Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.

Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.

Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.

Liz: No, you're not.

Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.

Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.

Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?

Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!

Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...

Liz: You're done.

Jack: What happens to us?

Liz: We grow up.

Jack: I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.

Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!

Liz: That is solid.

Cutbacks [3.17]

Jenna: [rapping] My name is Suri Cruise.

Put your hands in the air!

I came out of the womb

With a full head of hair!

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!

Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead.

Jackie Jormp-Jomp [3.18]

Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.

Jenna: Oh I can play dead; I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.

Tracy: Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

The Ones [3.19]

Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.

Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.

Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!

Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!

Elisa: I have a terrible secret. Please don't ask me what it is.

Liz: I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man?

Elisa: Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?

Liz: Kind of.

The Natural Order [3.20]

Frank: We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come?

Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?

Liz: Sure, I'll go.

Tracy: All right!

Liz: But you won't.

Tracy: [gasp] Twist!

Kenneth: [about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.

Mamma Mia [3.21]

Liz: If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.

Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty.

Pete: No, that's ridiculous.

Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead—

Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV—

Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.

Liz: He might be seventy!

Milton: One month I couldn't pay, so she said maybe there was something else I could give her. So I gave her my radio. Then a couple of weeks later, we got drunk and had sex.

Kidney Now! [3.22]

Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

Liz: Where are you gonna get a kidney from?

Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

Jack: Well, musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming. And, uh, you're 0 for 3, guys.

Mary J. Blige (playing herself): I am disappointed in us as a group!