30 Rock (season 2)

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30 Rock (2006–2013) is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show originally called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon.

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.

Liz: MILF Island?

Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.

Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jerry Seinfeld: Still talking?

Liz: Oh. No, no no no. I haven't talked to him since... Whew... I dunno... August 9th, four seventeen PM...

Jerry Seinfeld: Mhmm. It's not over.

Liz: Oh no. It's over! I'm over it.

Jerry Seinfeld: No. It's not over until you pick up the phone. You say "I don't love you anymore," they say "I don't love you anymore either." You go "great, I'll pick you up in twenty. Let's grab a scone."

Liz: A scone! Yes! I want that! I'm gonna call him!

Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.

Liz: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.

Liz: Yes, I did.

Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well?

Liz: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.

Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?

Liz: I did a fake survey.

Jerry Seinfeld: You did the fake survey?!

Liz: I know! I'm not over it! [gestures to her wedding dress] And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?!

Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me?

Liz: No! This is what I sound like when I cry!

Jerry Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.

Liz: You're insulted? I'm crying!

Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]

Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!

["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]

Tracy: [singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.

Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.

Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.

Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.

The Collection [2.3]

Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz: A businesswoman.

Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Rosemary's Baby [2.4]

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?

Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.

Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?

Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.

Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Greenzo [2.5]

Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

[Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]

Greenzo: Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin!

Frank: You ever take off that costume?

Greenzo: You ever take off yours? Greenzo, out.

Cerie: Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?

Somebody To Love [2.6]

Jack: What are you doing in Harlem?

C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.

Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.

Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.

C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.

Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.

Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Cougars [2.7]

Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.

Jaime: I'm 20.

Liz: Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Jaime: Are those friends of yours, or ...?

Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?

Jack: So how did you two meet...Amber Alert?

Secrets and Lies [2.8]

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding; I know he doesn't care what humans do.

Tracy: And finally, I'd like to thank you, Pacific Rimmers, for all that you've given us: karaoke, karate, and most of all... WANIZAME ATAKKU! SHARK ATTACK!

James Carville: Cajun style.

Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.

[Others begin confessing their secrets.]

Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.

Woman: My children go to public school.

Man #2: I'm gay.

Man #3: I'm black.

C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.

Man #1: I murdered my wife.

Ludachristmas [2.9]

Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I'll just compromise: go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

Episode 210 [2.10]

Kenneth: [about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

German: The machine is mankind’s madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.

Jack: I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

MILF Island [2.11]

Liz: This show is the worst. Didn't one of those MILFs die during production?

J.D.: She had too much champagne and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand - it could happen anywhere!

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.

Liz: I'm so sorry.

Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.

Subway Hero [2.12]

Liz: No, we don't have a crazy..thing

Dennis: Yeah we do! We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay...

Kenneth: Oh no sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack: That's Republican. We count those.

Tracy: Black people, don't vote! Did you know that in the amount of time it takes to vote you could play three games of pool? Three! Now that's fresh.

Succession [2.13]

Tracy: My genius will not be denied! I'm like Mozart! You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.

Frank: Salieri?

Tracy: No thank you. I already ate.

Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.

Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?

Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Sandwich Day [2.14]

Liz: WHERE'S MY MAC AND CHEESE!?

Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.

Liz: WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!?!

Tracy: Lutz made us do it.

Lutz: No, it was Frank.

Kenneth: THAT'S IT! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon. Because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Tracy: Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth!

Liz: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

Jenna: A drinking contest?!? What am I, 12 and at my boyfriend's frat party?!

Kenneth: Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!

Cooter [2.15]

Liz: (looking at her calendar) Ugh... why don't I cross out the days like people in the movies?

Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.

Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Random Congressman at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a "god finger".

Jack: Cooter!

Cooter: That's not my name. My name is James Riley. Cooter Burger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog? The president named me that!

Jack: He gave you two nicknames?

Cooter: "Cooter" because I look like a turtle, and "Burger" because he saw me eating a hamburger one time! We have to get out of here.

Jack: Now that's the spirit. But if they're not taking resignations, there's only one way out: we have to work together to get fired.

Cooter: It wasn't even a hamburger... it was a sandwich.

Liz: It was the cheese curls.

Jack: Pardon?

Liz: Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests. Apparently, Sabor de Soledad gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.

Jack: That explains your hair's thickness and shine.

Liz: Apparently, in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.

Jack: I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.

Liz: (dejectedly) They're so good.