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2DTV was a satirical animated television show broadcast on ITV1 in the United Kingdom that followed closely in the footsteps of Spitting Image, but using animation rather than puppets.

Contents

Ant and DecEdit

Announcer: The ITV News at Ten with Ant and Dec.
Ant: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
Dec: Bongo-roony!
Ant: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
[Dec slaps Ant on the head]
Dec: Slapa-rooney!
Ant: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
[cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway]
Trevor McDonald: News just in: I am hungry and homeless.
Dec: Tramper-rooney!
Ant: And now, the weather.
Dec: And now, the weather.
[cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles]
Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales.

Osama Bin LadenEdit

[Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave]
Bin Laden: At last we have nuclear bomb!
[an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape]
Bin Laden: Good work Binny Me!
[Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen]
Bin Laden: Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE!
[The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA]
Bin Laden: FIRE!!!
[one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail]
Bin Laden: I thought we had 2 birds?
[Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes]
Jalal: Sorry.

Bin Laden: Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war...
[the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table]
Bin Laden: Anyone else have any wobbles?
Henchmen: No, Sir.
Bin Laden: Good.

[after an accidental explosion]
Bin Laden: Jalal! Get your arse over here.
Jalal: Why?
Bin Laden: Because that's where your legs are.

Tony BlairEdit

Tony Blair: We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is...
[Blair holds up a piece of paper]
Tony Blair: We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more!

BBC Reporter: The Press are ready, Prime Minister.
Blair: How'd you want me for this one?
BBC Reporter: Well, the conference is about your weekend...
(office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt)
Blair: Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy.
BBC Reporter: The weekend with your family.
Blair: Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you.
BBC Reporter: Your weekend in Europe.
Blair: Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit.
BBC Reporter: The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism.
Blair: [office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you.
BBC Reporter: And the tragic loss of life.
Blair: [black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again.
BBC Reporter: Which, since the weekend--
Blair: Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers]
BBC Reporter: Mr. Blair, just be yourself!
Blair: [scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me?

George BushEdit

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
General: I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east.
George Bush: I see, General.
General: You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President?
George Bush: No I did not.
General: Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it?
George Bush: I think that might help.
[the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk]
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom.
George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha!
[camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet]
George Bush: Quick General! You're missing the Professor!
General: Oh Jesus.

General: I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
Bush: Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) You do?
Bush: You two had a fight!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right.
Bush: Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself]
George Bush: General, this mirror isn't working.
General: Sir, that's a painting.
George Bush: But it--
General: No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein.
[TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office]
Saddam Hussein: Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles?
[a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp]
Saddam Hussein: Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission.
George Bush: Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things!
General: If you insist, sir.
[General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache]
George Bush: Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different.
General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks]
General: Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided.
George Bush: AW NUTS!!!
General: Sir?
George Bush: [having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other cool presidents have had wars!
[Starts throwing his toys at the General]
General: But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one!
George Bush: Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one.
[Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue]
General: Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom.
[General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet]
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom!
General: (as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream?
George Bush: Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah.
George Bush: And a war!
General: NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain.
George Bush: Let's have a war with Britain then!
General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
General: Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms!
George Bush: General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump.
General: Hairy Moses.
[General starts to jump up and down]
General: Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse?
George Bush: Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it.
General: (sarcastically) Oh, silly me!
George Bush: Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite!
General: Bruce Forsyth!
George Bush: Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts!
General: NO MISTER PRESIDENT!!!!
[a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. Bush starts to cry]
General: Well, it's your own fault.
{The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated]
George Bush: General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs)
General: Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath)

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy]
George Bush: Oh, come on General! What is it?
[dog in wrapping paper barks]
George Bush: It's a book, ain't it?
General: Now no opening util tomorrow, sir.
George Bush: I promise.
General: [the General walks off screen]
George Bush: I love Christmas!
[alarms go off]
George Bush: General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?!
Computer: WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action.
George Bush: Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say?
[George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble]
George Bush Senior: Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button.
George Bush: Something about pressing the red button.
[Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears]
General: Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison?
[The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers]
George Bush: Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo!
General: That's uncanny, sir.

Bill GatesEdit

Bill Gates: Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001.
Son: But I just got used to our old place, House 2000.
Bill Gates: That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features!
Wife: It looks exactly like the old one.
Bill Gates: Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers)
[Gate's family laugh in the same fashion]
Bill Gates: And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema.
[Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment]
Daughter: Why's it done that?
Bill Gates: Try double clicking it.
Wife: It seems to have frozen.
Bill Gates: It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again.
[the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished]
Son: Where's it all gone?
Bill Gates: Um, it should be here, er...
Wife: Did you remember to save it?
Bill Gates: I thought I did. Er... don't panic!
Wife: Try escape.
Son: No, Control-Alt!
Daughter: Let me have a go!
Bill Gates: Get off!
Wife: Don't you press that!
Bill Gates: LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!!
[Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them]
Son: It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will...
[the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be]
Bill Gates: Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1!

Michael JacksonEdit

TV announcer: Blackpool-0 Silicon-0 Botin-0 Birmingham-1 And that's all the scores we have in football today.
Johnny Vegas: I'm sorry Monkey, it's over. I can't afford to keep you no more.
Monkey: Please Johnny, don't put me down!
Johnny Vegas: Don't worry, I got you a nice new owner.
Michael Jackson: Howdy there, Bubbles 2
Monkey: Please! Put me down! Shoot me now!
Michael Jackson: Where does my hand go?
Monkey: Owww!
Michael Jackson: I was ganna say that.



Voice Over: Michael Jackon's parenting tips #43.
Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.
[cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something]
Michael Jackson: Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.
[camera pans out to see a baby balancing on a washing line]
Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking.
[Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]
Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it!

Anne RobinsonEdit

Anne Robinson: It's time to vote off... the Weakest Link.
[all four contestants vote for Anne Robinson]
Anne Robinson: Peter, Why Anne?
Peter: Your air of superiority is totally phony and you always cut people off ----
Anne Robinson: Sue, why Anne?
Sue: Well, you're not scary, and you mis-pronouce everything.
Anne Robinson: Joremy, why Anne?
Jeremy: You got the IQ of a squirrel.
Mike: And the looks.
Anne Robinson: I am the Weakest Link, goodbye.

Michael SchumacherEdit

Michael Schumacher: *sitting next to the cot of Baby Schumacher* Okay Baby Schumacher, it is time for your 7:30, I'll begin. *opens the book and cleared his throat* Zhe Tortoise and Zhe Hare. Vunce upon a time, there vus za tortoise...errmm...Let's call him Coulthard...and za hare called Schumacher... Hare Schumacher, and zay decided to have a vace...So as the vace begins, zhe Hare vus very confident that he had the upper advantage to the tortoise, and vould surely vin. And he vus vight! He did vin.
Baby Schumacher: But daddy, does the tortoise win next times?
Michael Schumacher: No! Ze tortoise never vins! Ze hare vins over and over and over again, that's vat makes racing more interesting! *sees Baby Schumacher already fast asleep through boredom* Oh.

Seaman, DavidEdit

[Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo]
David Seaman: Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair!
[Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly]
David Seaman: That's the one!

External linksEdit

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