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Zombieland

2009 film by Ruben Fleischer

Zombieland is a 2009 zombie comedy/horror film in which a shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy trying to find the last Twinkie, and a pair of sisters trying to get to an amusement park join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.

Directed by Ruben Fleischer. Written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick.
Welcome to Zombieland.Taglines

Columbus

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  • [first lines, before opening credits; voiceover] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. [zombie attacks cameraman, and eats him; notices camera] No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. [zombie belches] It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules. Rule #1 for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. [overweight man gets taken down and eaten by a zombie] Poor fat bastard. But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. You had to get a gun, and learn how to use it. Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. [woman shoots zombie in chest, and the zombie falls over] In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really "dead" dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head... [zombie wakes up, and attacks] ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow, they could just smell it. [Guy: Can't a guy take a dumper in peace? [sees zombie, and screams; gets killed]] Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms. [woman frantically pulls out her keys, and starts car] As zombies began to outnumber humans, well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters, well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. [zombie girls fall off and growl] You had to focus on your own survival. Which leads to rule #4. Pretty basic. [truck horn blares, and woman looks up as her van is stopped, but she flies through her windshield, and hits the pavement, leaving a streak of blood] Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
  • I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.
  • [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab!
  • [voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... [the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown.
  • So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Tallahassee

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  • Time to nut up or shut up.
  • My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?
  • Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.
  • There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and Someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.
  • I haven't cried like that since Titanic.
  • [about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit fuck.

Dialogue

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Columbus: You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.
Tallahassee: So?
Columbus: So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?
Tallahassee: Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.
Columbus: Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.
Tallahassee: You're a peppy little spit fuck, aren't you?
Columbus: You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.
Tallahassee: I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves.
Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?
Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.
Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?
Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. "Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues." Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.
Tallahassee: Whoa.
Columbus: I know.
Columbus: [about Tallahassee] Don't worry. He grows on you.
Wichita: Really?
Columbus: No, it gets worse.
[The group plays Monopoly]
Wichita: Ooo, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.
Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?
Talahassee: The best part is no more flushing. Epic.
Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
[Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]
Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!
Tallahassee: You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay?
Bill Murray: The hell I am!
Wichita: I'm sorry. I didn't know it was... It was "you" you.
Tallahassee: Are you...? What's with the get-up?
Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.
Bill Murray: [after Columbus shoots him] Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Tallahassee: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah?
Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.
Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray: No.
Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: Garfield, maybe. [Gives a long exhale, like a death rattle...then inhales and does another one before he dies]
Wichita: [Suddenly starts snorting and laughing softly, everyone looks at her] I'm sorry, he just gets me...but it's very sad.
Columbus: Yeah.
Wichita You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute.
Columbus: You think so?
Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.
Columbus Really?
Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Taglines

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  • Welcome to Zombieland.
  • Our land is their land.
  • This place is so dead
  • Nut up or shut up.
  • Survival rule #21: Avoid strip clubs.
  • Survival rule #28: Get a kickass partner.
  • Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero.
  • Survival rule #1: Cardio.
  • A comedy that kills.

Cast

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