Young Dracula

Young Dracula is a TV show made by the BBC. It follows Vladimir Dracula, the son of Count Dracula, although he doesn't wish to be a vampire and wants to lead a normal life.

Season 1

When You're a Stranger [1.01]

Vlad: All my life, I've wanted to fit in. To be ordinary. So I thought moving to a new town would be my chance. A chance to be normal. But I was forgetting one little thing: I'm a vampire.

Ingrid: Can't believe we have to speak this stupid language.

Vlad: We've got to keep a low profile.

Ingrid: And why do we have to move, anyway?

Renfield: Please be quiet, Mistress Ingrid, I'm trying to read the map.

Ingrid: Don't tell me to be quiet, insect biter!

Renfield: Right, that is it!

Ingrid: Don't you touch me, you fungus!

Renfield: Rat!

Ingrid: Creep!

Renfield: Witch!

Ingrid: Pus-face!

Vlad: Turn right!

Renfield: Cold sewer!

Ingrid: Cretin.

Renfield: Freak! Fart-breath!

Ingrid: Spider-licker!

Renfield: Scab picker!

Ingrid: Snot eater!

Count: RENFIELD! What... exactly... is going on?

Renfield: Sorry... for disturbing you, Master...

Count: Silence!

Vlad: Ingrid wants to turn the hearse around and go back to Transylvania.

Count: Oh, you do, do you? And what about the angry, torch-wielding Transylvanian peasant mob, hmm? Would you like to go back to them, too?

(Cuts to scenes of individual peasants in the mob. Cuts back to the Count, who shudders)

Ingrid: Yeah, well, better going back to Transylvania to face them than living in this dump. I mean, look at it. It's so... normal.

Vlad: Normal. That's just what I was thinking.

First Day of School [1.02]

Vlad: So this is school.

Robin: Yeah. It's a bit like a prison, only sometimes people escape from prison.

Chloe: [to Vlad] I don't understand. Shouldn't you be in Transylvania?

Robin: Close encounter with an angry peasant mob.

Vlad: We've come here to keep a low profile.

Chloe: Really? Well try and not bring your cape into school next time.

Mummy Returns [1.03]

Vlad: Wow, I never realized doing homework could be so much fun.

Robin: You're kidding?! I'd rather have my tongue pulled out.

[When Ingrid asks Magda to stay at the castle.]

Vlad: You did what?!

Ingrid: Don't you want to see her?

Vlad: Sorry, which mum are we walking about? Coz I'm thinking about the backstabbing witch from Hell one!

Robin: Cool! At least she sounds like a proper vampire. I mean, you two haven't got a fang between you.

Slaytime TV [1.04]

Vlad: Dad, you promised to be careful. Do I need to spell it out for you? M-O-B.

Count Dracula: I am Count Dracula, not spell Dracula.

Ingrid: M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

Count Dracula: I know that, but I'm bored.

Robin: So I'm not a vampire after all? But I was so sure.

Vlad: I know. You were selfish. You betrayed your friends, you were totally inhuman.

Robin: [smiling] You mean...

Vlad: Just because you aren't a vampire doesn't mean you can't be evil.

Robin: Thanks, Vlad. You're my best mate, you know that don't you?

Vlad: Robin, I'm your only mate.

Robin: Exactly.

Home Education [1.05]

[When the Count is teaching Vlad hypnotism.]

Count Dracula: Now, remember Vlad. The key to hypnotising your victim is to look deep... into their eyes.

Robin: Feeling a little uncomfortable with the word 'victim'.

[When everyone agrees to un-hypnotize the Count back into a vampire and the Branagh parents back into Breathers.]

Chloe: Will Mum and Dad still be after my blood?

Ingrid: Unfortunately not. They won't remember a thing. Lucky them!

Toothache [1.06]

[When Ingrid is disguising Robin as her boyfriend.]

Ingrid: If I can't prove I've got a boyfriend Dad's gonna send me off to Transiberia!

Chloe: [Smirking] Oh, dear! Send us a postcard when you get there!

[Chloe wakes up screaming the next morning after Vlad's sleep over as she has found fang neck wounds.]

Chloe: What've you done to me?!

Zoltan: Congratulations, Master Vlad! Your first bite.

Vlad: NO! What am I gonna do?!

Chloe: Excuse me! I'm the victim here! What happens to me now?!

Zoltan: Welcome to the family, Mistress Chloe!

Parent's Night [1.07]

Elizabeth: Now Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight as long as you've gotten over this morbid obsession with vampires.

Robin: Yes, Mum.

Graham: And if not we've decided to send you to Happy Camp.

Robin: Happy Camp?!

Graham: It's where troubled children go and learn how to be happy.

Elizabeth: Through happy music and happy dance.

Robin: Oh, just kill me now!

Vlad: I can't believe Dad only came to Parents' Evening to get his revenge on Mr. Van Helsing!

Ingrid: Stop whinging! At least he didn't find out he was a slayer.

Vlad: I suppose I've just gotta accept it; our family's not normal.

Ingrid: Who'd want to be normal? I mean, look at him.

[Gestures to where Robin and Chandu are playing chess.]

Robin: Checkmate! Who's the loser! Who's the loser! Go loser! Go loser! Go loser!

Vlad: [to Ingrid] Fair point.

13th Birthday [1.08]

Crone: [To Robin] Do you prefer French blood or Italian?

[Robin thinks anxiously.]

Atilla: Tick, tock! Tick, tock!

Ingrid: [Raising her hand] Oh, I know! I know!

Crone: Let him answer!

Robin: Neither, they both taste of garlic.

Crone: I approve.

(After Vlad describes his Grandparents' strictness in upholding vampire tradition.)

Vlad: If they knew what my life was like here...

Robin: They'd kill you?

Vlad: Well... no. They'd send me back to Transylvania. To a vampire boarding school. No friends, no family, no daylight ever again. I'd spend the rest of eternity lurking around in the shadows. Can you imagine anything worse?

Robin: [Awed] Wicked!

Living with the Branaghs [1.09]

[When the Count plans to marry Mrs Branagh.]

Robin: [to Ingrid and Chloe] I've just had a thought, if we can't stop this marriage you two will be step sisters.

[Ingrid looks horrified.]

Chloe: Eurgh! I'd rather be undead!

Vlad: I wish Dad would shut the crypt door when he's punishing Renfield. You can hear the screams all over the castle.

[Ingrid gestures to the jar of cockroaches.]

Vlad: You put the cockroaches in the study! You cunning, devious... I'm impressed.

Ingrid: Needs must. There was no way I was having a Breather for a stepmother.

Vlad: Bit rough on Renfield though... getting all the blame.

Ingrid: Yeah.

[Slight pause before the two burst out laughing.]

Rugby [1.10]

[When Vlad makes the rugby team.]

Count: My noble son has finally brought glory to the family name.

Ingrid: Except he didn't use deceit... or break a single rule...

Vlad: Ingrid!

Ingrid: Or cheat!

Count: [shocked] Vladimir, is this true?

[While watching Vlad during the rugby tryouts.]

Robin: That's it, Vlad! Tackle him! Tackle him! Yeees! Oh, ok, no! Well, get up then! What's wrong with you?! It's only a knee you've got another one!

[Chloe gives him a look.]

Robin: What?

Chloe: Robin, I'm so proud of you. Who'd have thought it? Gloom-cookey Robin is a real Branagh after all.

Father's Day [1.11]

Vlad: Fighting doesn't prove anything!

Count Dracula: Of course it does, it proves who's best at fighting!

Robin: Dad, you're not really gonna fight a vam... a vastly superior fighter like the Count?

Graham: Don't be so surprised, when I was in the cub scouts I came second in the Boxing Championship.

Robin: Mum said you lost to a girl.

Graham: Brownies can be vicious.

Halloscream [1.12]

Robin: Zoltan, I need your advice. I've got this problem.

Zoltan: Bathe it in warm water and keep it bandaged over night. That works for me.

Robin: Err... no. I mean, should you do what's best for yourself or what's best for your friends?

Zoltan: Ah, most people would say you should put the well-being of others before your own. Look at me, I have never been selfish. And now... I'm stuffed, ignored, mounted on wheels.

Vlad: Halloween affects Dad like a lit match in a fireworks factory.

Zoltan: Even a sausage through the heart wouldn't subdue him.

Chloe: You mean a stake.

Zoltan: Oh, yes. You see the Count has banned me from using that word. That word and "bun fight".

[Vlad, Robin and Chloe ponder this for a moment.]

Chloe: Sun light.

Zoltan: Mmm-hmm. "Bun fight" and "sausage".

The Blood Test [1.13]

Zoltan: Ok, first question. If Boris can turn into a wolf in 3 seconds and Inga can turn into a bat in 5 seconds, how long would it take Boris and Inga to storm a peasant dwelling and drink the blood of everyone in sight?

Vlad: You wanted to see me?

Count: Ah, Vladimir. I fear that you're not trying your best to pass this Blood Test. And I know that no son and heir of mine would fail something so straight forward, and if they did, well... they wouldn't be my son and heir for very long.

Vlad: [disbelievingly] Are you saying you'd disown me... if I fail the test?!

Count: No, of course not. I'd just deny all knowledge of your existence.

Countdown [1.14]

Count: What a night I've had! Stop what you're doing and prepare to be amazed!

[He reaches into his cape and pulls out a rabbit.]

Vlad: What... you got a job as a magician?

Renfield: Oh, if you need an attractive assistant I look absolutely stunning in sequins.

Count: No, you idiots! I've been out hunting!

Vlad: You're leaving?

Count: But you said you loved me.

Magda: You were dying... I was trying to be nice.

Season 2

Kidnipped [2.01]

Count Dracula: Slayers will always be our enemy. We shall bite them on the beaches, we shall bite them in the fields and in the streets! We shall bite them in the hills, we shall never surrender!

(When Robin goes to Van Helsing's trailer to find Vlad and Ingrid tied together as Van Helsing's hostages.)

Robin: What're you two doing here?

Ingrid: Having a sing along, what does it look like?!

Vlad: Unless you want us driven out of town again... I suggest we make friends with the slayers.

Count: Friends?! Vampires and slayers can never be friends. We're opposites; sun and moon, night and day, stake and...

Renfield: (holding up a bag) Chips? Anyone?

Van Helsing: Where's your dad?

Ingrid: He's gone to Spain to top up his tan.

Vlad: It'll be dark in a minute and Dad will fly off and kill Van Helsing.

Ingrid: And...

Vlad: We have to stop him!

Ingrid: Have you got sunstroke?! Biting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire. That and looking great in black.

Van Helsing: (angrily) You're saying coz you live in a castle you're better than me?

Ingrid: No. I'm better than you because I'm a vampire.

Ingrid: I told you I should drive.

Renfield: You don't know how to drive.

Ingrid: Well, that makes two of us!

The Yanks are Coming [2.02]

Ivan: You're what, just over seven hundred?

Count Dracula: SIX! Six hundred!

Ivan: Whatever, you look closer to a thousand.

(When Olga reveals her plan to kill her father and take over the family once she gets her full powers.)

Ingrid: Yeah, well you don't scare me.

Olga: No? I oughta. I can make your life a misery round here. "Oh, Uncle Count, I wait on my Daddy hand and fang. Would you like me to show Ingrid how?"

Ingrid: Stupid! I'll just tell them all what you're really like.

Olga: Go ahead, who'll believe you? You're the nasty one and I'm nice. Go get off my bed!

Ingrid: Go and make my bed before I dip you in the slime pit.

(When Renfield is serving dinner.)

Ivan: Sorry, didn't I mention I'm vegetarian?

Renfield: I've got some badgers noses, they're more gristle than meat.

(When Ivan reverts back into his bloodsucking ways.)

Vlad: I don't believe this! You said living blood-free was our best chance!

Count: There was no blood-free, it was a fantasy, a delusion, a pathetic dream. Tell them, Ivan!

Ivan: He's right. This is sensational, I haven't felt this undead in years! There's only one way for us to live... UP TO OUR EYES IN BLOOD!

Mirror Mirror [2.03]

Ivan: (to Boris) Get out here, boy! Show me your fangs. Hmmm, a bit underdeveloped, not to worry. We'll start small, just a few cute bunnies.

Boris: You mean kill them?!

Count Dracula: No, take them synchronised swimming, of course kill them!

Zoltan: The surest and most effective cure for vampirism is...

Boris: Yes? Yes?!

Zoltan: A stake through the heart.

Boris: Maybe not.

Ingrid: You think you can challenge the Princess of Darkness?

Olga: No, but I can whip your butt from here to Halloween.

Ingrid: You're on, maggot muncher!

Olga: Ok, whoever completes the most evil deed by tonight is the winner.

Ingrid: And the loser... has to sing and dance with Renfield wearing a frilly, pink dress.

Vlad: (Impersonating Van Helsing) I'm Van Helsing, I'm bald and I stink of garlic!

Vlad: (to Boris) Don't you understand? If we kill our Dads we're more evil than any vampire.

Ingrid: Good point.

[The Count and Ivan enter the room.]

Count Dracula: Vlad, Boris, Olga... the other one, what's going on?

Ingrid: Hello, Daddy. And goodbye!

Vlad: No, NO!

[She smashes the mirror.]

Olga: AAARGGHH! You've turned me into a Breather!

Ingrid: And I've killed your Dad.

Olga: Yeah, whatever.

Count Dracula: Slain by my own daughter! You're so grounded!

Bad Reflection [2.04]

Chloe: Dad, can you help me with my homework?

Mr. Branagh: Course, sweetheart. Now then, what's it to be? Spelling or colouring in?

Chloe: I've got to perform a psychological evaluation of a subject using psychodynamic and cognitive methods.

(While doing a crossword.)

Count: "Numb to sensation", four letters.

Ivan: "Dead".

(While waiting for Boris to come out of the Blood Mirror room.)

Olga: Daddy, how much longer is this going to take?

Ivan: Depends on how much of a fight he puts up.

Vlad: Fight? No one said anything about a fight.

Count: Well, if he's strong it could take all day. But if he's a pathetic, spineless little wimp then...

[The door suddenly opens.]

Ingrid: Well, that answers that!

Vlad: You mean he's... he's dead?

[Robin walks in with a party horn.]

Robin: Congratulations! Or not. What did I miss?

Ingrid: Nothing much. Oh, I broke a nail... and Boris is dead.

Boris: I'm not evil. I'm not evil. (Laughs) Wanna bet?

(When Boris has drained power from Ivan and the Count.)

Ivan: I can't believe my own son could be so wicked and deceitful.

Count Dracula: Yes, yes, when you've quite finished gloating maybe you could use your super sensitive vampire hearing to find the little snake!

Ivan: What?

Ingrid: I wouldn't let Dad catch you sitting there.

Boris: Really? Why's that?

Zoltan: She's right, Master Boris. Only the Count is permitted to sit on the throne.

Boris: Thanks for the warning, but I don't take advise from stuffed dogs.

Ingrid: He's a wolf!

Boris: I wasn't talking to him.

Zoltan: Ouch!

Count Dracula: Where's that imp?! It's time he was taught a lesson!

Ivan: Ten to seven.

Boris: (to Vlad) Just wanna let you know, when it's your turn you'll become just as evil as I am. Just you wait, you can't escape your destiny (laughs). I'll be back! No one can stop me! No one! (Laughs hysterically).

Ingrid: He's lost it. Big time.

Dad's Back [2.05]

(When trying to bring back Renfield's dad in Renfield's laboratory.)

Robin: This is so what I wanna do when I leave school!

[He laughs manically until Vlad gives him an exasperated look.]

Zoltan: Don't do this, Master Vlad. Renfield Senior was mad, bad and dangerous to know. And when he sees me, he's going to want revenge!

Robin: Maybe you should nip to the card shop, see what they've got in the Sorry I Accidentally Savaged You To Death section.

Ingrid: That's my diary!

Vlad: I'd hate to be the one to show you this, Dad.

Count: (Reading from Ingrid's diary) "My old Dad's a vampire, he wears a vampire cloak... but no one's really scared of him they think he's just a joke..." Ingrid!

Ingrid: But I didn't write that.

Count: (Reading again) "He's getting old and past it and it's very plain to see... his hair is going grey, his fangs are false and his cardigan smells of wee!" I do not wear cardigans!

Ingrid: (to Vlad) And that's not my handwriting!

Count: That is no excuse!

(When Renfield is making dinner at the Branaghs' house.)

Paul: Eurgh! What is it?

Renfield: Road-Kill Stew.

Mrs. Branagh: Oh... how continental.

Robin: Something just moved in there!

(When Zoltan asks Van Helsing for help from Renfield Senior.)

Zoltan: He's going to throw me on the fire if you don't.

Van Helsing: (Shocked) What sort of abomination...

Zoltan: There's no need to be personal! I haven't said anything about your smelly breath.

Van Helsing: I'll free you on one condition... you lead me to the Count.

Zoltan: NEVER! Nothing you can do or say will make me betray my master!

Van Helsing: Fine, I'll leave you to the old man then.

Zoltan: (hastily) It's at the door, turn right, I'll show you the rest of the way!

(When Renfield is trying to stop his father from hurting the Count.)

Renfield Senior: Clear off, Mummy's boy!

Renfield: (angrily) You keep Mum out of this! She was twice the man you are!

(When Renfield made an antidote to return Ingrid's voice.)

Count: (furiously) You gave her the antidote?!

Ingrid: (To Robin and Vlad) That's right, boys! I'm back!

Vlad: Run!

Baby Dracula [2.06]

Ingrid: (To Vlad) What's going on? Sounds like you're in pain... can I watch?

Count: I have some midnight hunting to do!

Ingrid: Off to nibble some sheep again, are we Daddy?

Count: SHEEP?! How dare you! I am the Prince of Darkness! I...

Vlad: Well, just make sure the farmer doesn't catch you this time.

Vlad: Mum's pregnant?! How did this happen?!

Ingrid: Well, when a Mummy and Daddy love each other they make a special wish for a baby!

(After the baby is born.)

Count: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present my new son... Vladimir.

Vlad: Vladimir?! But... that's my name!

Count: Curses, what was the other one?

Magda: Barry.

Count: Barry...

Vlad: What? You're gonna call him Barry?

Count: No, that would be stupid... we'll call you Barry.

(When the Count anoints Vlad as his official heir to the throne.)

Count: Arise, my son and heir! Barry Dracula.

[Vlad stands up, looking outraged, but the Count smiles.]

Vlad: Oh, very funny!

Insomnia [2.07]

Vlad: Ingrid, do you ever have weird dreams?

Ingrid: Only a recurring one where annoying geek of a brother keeps asking me stupid questions.

Ingrid: You don't get to go to the dream world until you're sixteen.

Vlad: What dream world?

Ingrid: The place vampires go when they sleep, bat brain! If you're slain there you die for real.

[Vlad faints.]

Robin: That's not good news.

Vlad: What if there's an evil vampire in my blood after all?

Robin: (amused) Vlad, you still sleep with a teddy bear, dream on!

(When Mina and the Count are taking Vlad to hospital.)

Jonathan: If your dad lays a finger on my Mum...

Ingrid: It's his fangs I'd be worried about!

Vlad: Robin, I can't fall asleep again.

Robin: It's double maths after lunch, you've got no chance.

Count, Robin & Renfield: Vladimir Dominus Imperator Electus.

(When Vlad wakes up in hospital.)

Robin: So, did I become a vampire?

Vlad: Yeah, and yes you were wearing black.

Robin: Cool!

Doctor: (checking Vlad) There's nothing wrong with him.

Ingrid: You wouldn't say that if you had to live with him.

Love Bites [2.08]

(While on the phone to the vampire help-line after Ingrid fails to hypnotise a boy.)

Operator: Has this ever happened before?

Ingrid: No.

Operator: Are you feeling stressed?

Ingrid: No!

Operator: Is the Breather in question attractive?

Ingrid: Well, sort of. But I don't see how that's relevant.

Operator: I'm sorry, I did not understand your answer. Is the Breather in question attractive?

Ingrid: (reluctantly) Yes.

Operator: Does lighting flicker in their presence?

Ingrid: (reluctantly) Yes.

Operator: Duh! You're in love with a Breather.

Ingrid: What?! I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH A BREATHER!

Body Swap [2.09]

(When Ingrid accidently sets fire to the Count's new throne.)

Ingrid: (shocked) I am so undead!

Zoltan: I don't want to say "I told you so"... but I told you so!

Robin: Where do you hold a vampire?

(While looking for the Staff of Carpathia in a museum and checking a map.)

Vlad: Ok, so we're here and the staff is there. Does everyone know where to go? Let's go!

[He, Robin and Chloe go off in separate directions.]

Chloe: (pointing up the stairs) It's this way.

Robin: (to Vlad) I'd go with her, she's usually right.

Robin: Eurgh! It really smells like the plague in here!

Chloe: Sort of familiar though.

[The three smell the air around them.]

Robin: Mouldy cabbage, with a hint of toe jam.

Vlad: Week old armpit sweat.

[An arm is suddenly visible amongst a case with rats in it.]

Vlad, Robin and Chloe: Renfield!

Sweet Sixteen [2.10]

(Ingrid is about to enter the Blood Room to receive her vampire powers.)

Vlad: Ingrid, wait!

Ingrid: What?

Vlad: I just wanna say... goodbye.

Ingrid: I'm only gonna be in there two minutes.

Vlad: I know it's just... when Boris went... he came back selfish and evil...

Ingrid: But I'm already selfish and evil.

Ingrid's reflection: Bad things come to those who wait!

(Ingrid has seen a vision of herself attacking Will.)

Ingrid: But that's my boyfriend.

Ingrid's reflection: He's a breather, Ingrid. Surely you wouldn't stoop so low?

Ingrid: Back off, sister! I decide who I go out with.

Ingrid's reflection: Call yourself a vampire? Don't you know the most powerful of us will reign supreme. So I'll be making the decisions from now on. And I say... Will DIES!

Ingrid: Over my dead body!

Ingrid's reflection: My thoughts exactly.

(When Vlad, Robin and Ingrid are running away from Ingrid's reflection.)

Robin: Vlad, shouldn't a vampire be chasing us?

Vlad: But she's not a vampire, are you, Ingrid? You didn't go through with the transformation.

Ingrid: If you breathe a word of this to anyone I'll... well, I can't bite you, but I'll do something evil!

Robin: I don't get it. I thought you had to transform.

Vlad: I thought so, too. But there's a way out of it, isn't there?

[Ingrid's reflection appears from behind Robin.]

Ingrid's reflection: None whatsoever!

Ingrid: Run!

(When Ingrid finally merges with her evil reflection.)

Robin: Is she dead?

Ingrid: (snarls, then smiles) Not quite!

(When the Count and Magda are duelling.)

Count: Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor!

Magda: Eat garlic, you pathetic toad!

Count: Your skin is too pink.

Magda: Your fangs are too short!

Count: You're so... fat. We could carpet the castle with one of your enormous dresses. Ha! Ha!

Magda: (furious) Yes, and we can sandblast the stonework with a whiff of your wormy, soil breath!

Eclipse [2.11]

(When the Count refuses to let Ingrid go on a date with Will.)

Count: Ingrid, remember what happened to the last daughter who challenged me!

Ingrid: I'm your ONLY daughter!

Count: You are now!

(When a policeman remembers Robin reporting a UFO landing several years ago.)

Policeman: Had all the emergency services out at three in the morning.

Robin: But I definitely saw something.

Policeman: Not a shred of evidence.

Robin: Exactly, no evidence that there wasn't a UFO.

(When Mr. Branagh speaks to Vlad about the Count being in trouble with the police.)

Vlad: Look, you don't understand. So we come from Transylvania and live in a spooky old castle, but that doesn't mean we're vampires!

[A mingled look of horror and realisation registers on Mr. Branagh's face.]

Vlad: (slowly) Mr. Branagh?

Mr. Branagh: I just thought he was hunting without a license.

Vlad: Ah...

Count: What's that on your collar?

Ingrid: Nothing!

Count: (sniffing) Blood! Human blood!

Ingrid: (smugly) So, I've bitten a Breather! Guess that makes me the only real vampire in this castle after all!

When Vampires Go Bad [2.12]

Grand High Vampire: You are sentenced to death by dawn.

Count: Don't you mean death at dawn?

Moroi: No, he said death by dawn. We throw you outside and wait for the sunlight do it's thing.

Count: (awkwardly) Yes, I suppose that'd do it.

Vlad: Who appointed you judge, jury and executioner?

Moroi: My card...

Vlad: (reading it) "Justice Moroi; judge, jury and executioner"...

Moroi: Any more questions?

Ingrid: Yeah, do I get a front row seat?

Vlad: Ingrid!

Ingrid: Alright, do we ALL get front row seats?

Grand High Vampire: For your own father's execution? Of course you do!

Vlad: Here's the plan; we run away, you two go first. While they're out looking for you, I rescue Robin. We leave the country and meet up again in Uncle Ivan's place and hide out there till the heat's off.

Count: No. Count Dracula does not run away.

Ingrid: You did last time.

Count: That was different, some of those peasants had really big pitch forks.

(When trying to discover who slayed the Grand High Vampire.)

Renfield: ... and when I got back, the helmet was gone.

Robin: Then what happened?

Vlad: Someone stole it.

Robin: (points at Moroi.) Pretending to be him...

Will: ... and murdered the Grand High Vampire.

Ingrid: Cool!

Robin: You've got to get out of there.

Count: (sarcastically) Oh, well done, Robin. Unfortunately this cage is made of argentalium... it drains vampire powers.

Robin: Can't you just turn into smoke or something?

Moroi: Oh, he'll soon be turning into smoke.

(Justice Moroi picks up a bottle in the Count's room.)

Moroi: Eurgh! Garlic perfume!

Count: I bought that for my wife.

Vlad: You were trying to kill Mum?

Count: No! Just give her a nasty rash.

The Chosen One [2.13]

Vlad: Could I really be the Chosen One?

Robin: You're a rubbish vampire. There's no way it's you.

Vlad: Thanks, Robin.

(During the Grand High Vampire initiation.)

Elizabeth: Somebody and I won't mention any names thinks you're all... vampires.

Count: (laughs) Vampires?

Elizabeth: I know, it's ridiculous.

Vlad: (to the Count) Please, don't do this.

Count: So, because we wear capes, we're vampires?

Elizabeth: He (Graham) has an over-active imagination.

Count: Because we have a penchant for black, we're vampires? Just because we have fangs (laughs evilly) and drink blood, we ARE vampires!

(The other Branaghs are shocked.)

Elizabeth: Oh, my!

Graham: Somehow, saying "I told you so" isn't quite enough.

Robin: I hear with my little ear something beginning with 'awesome'!

Ghost of the Grand High Vampire: (to Vlad) You'll know you are the Chosen One when you sacrifice the life you love to save the family you love.

Ingrid: From now on you will call me Countess Dracula! Watch me as I avenge Will's death and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood! HAHAHAHA!

Season 3

Hide and Seek [3.01]

(When it's believed Ingrid has perished when Stokely castle was set on fire.)

Zoltan: I'm very sorry for your loss.

Count: I loved her, Zoltan. I know didn't always show it, but I loved her... she was the best castle I ever owned.

Vlad: He was talking about Ingrid!

Zoltan: No, I wasn't.

(After Vlad and Ingrid see each other again after four years.)

Ingrid: You got old.

Vlad: You got sick.

Ingrid: I can look after myself.

Vlad: Yeah? Then why'd you leave Stokely?

Ingrid: I got bored.

Vlad: You got burnt.

(When Vlad brings Ingrid to Garside Grange School.)

Count: Well, well, well. Look what the bat dragged in. (To Vlad) I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING HER HERE!

Ingrid: Nice to see you too, Dad.

The Enemy Within [3.02]

(When Ingrid takes a potion which has unexpectedly given her facial hair.)

Count: Well, it's certainly an improvement; I can see less of her face.

Ingrid: You can't have two queen bees in a hive. It'll be a fight to the death.

Count: My money's on the half-fang.

Vlad: You can't just go round hitting people.

Goody McKeldric: You're right. The next time one of you is naughty, I shall cut off a limb.

Vlad: (taken aback) What?

Goody McKeldric: Oh, don't be such a baby!

(When the Count reveals there is a cure to make Ingrid better all along.)

Count: Transylvanian bat vomit - does the job every time.

Vlad: (furious) You're sick and wrong!

Count: (genuinely touched) Oh... thank you, Vladdy.

Renfield: Open wide.

(He give the Transylvanian bat vomit to Ingrid, who instantly becomes better.)

Ingrid: What did I ever do to you?

Count: Gloated at my execution, plotted to overthrow me, left me to die!

Ingrid: Hmmm ... that.

Faustian Slip [3.03]

Vlad: I'm not doing it; clean up your own mess.

Count: I'm too busy cleaning up your mess! I have to smooth things over with Von Raculad in person.

Vlad: I only posted him to Transylvania - you garliced Goody McKeldric!

Count: There's a big difference!

Vlad: What?

Count: I didn't get caught.

Vlad: I've been training every night this week!

Count: You still haven't mastered telepathy.

Vlad: I hope you can read this... [he glares at the Count.]

Count: Actually, I can. And in answer, I seriously doubt it would fit.

Erin: That's your Mum?

Vlad: Yeah. Dad's gonna go bats when he finds her here.

Erin: I'm sensing your mum and dad have got a few issues?

Vlad: Just the usual; lying, cheating, multiple murder attempts.

(When Magda tricks Vlad into making her his Regent.)

Vlad: I'm cancelling this right now... how do I do that?

Magda: You don't. Only I can cancel the contract.

Vlad: (teeth gritted) You devious, conniving witch!

Magda: (slyly) You say all the right things!

(Vlad telepaths the Count to come to Garside.)

Count: I knew you could do it, Vlad. Your message came through clear as a bell; "Come home now, Major A blood for tea".

Vlad: "Major emergency".

Count: Oh. That's not nearly as good.

Vlad: I need your help.

Renfield: (working on a potion) I'm at a critical point.

Vlad: I need you to dress up as a woman and pretend to be Mum.

(Pause)

Renfield: Nothing that can't wait.

Fangs For The Memories [3.04]

(When talking about life in Stokely.)

Vlad: I had friends. Well, one friend.

Erin: Another vampire?

Vlad: No, he was normal.

(Clips show of his loyal best friend, the vampire fanatic Robin Branagh.)

Vlad: Okay, he wasn't normal... but I still miss him.

Erin: So, your sister wrecked your life?!

Vlad: It's kind of her thing.

Carpathian Feast [3.05]

(After Ingrid's fully recovered)

Ingrid: I'm back! Twice as gorgeous, three times as evil... make that four times as evil.

(When the Count is using a hypnotised school class as a human chess board.)

Vlad: Right, go back to class!

Count: Stay!

Vlad: Go!

Count: Stay!

Vlad: Go!

Count: Stay!

Vlad: Stay!

Count: Go!

Vlad: You heard the man.

(The students leave as the Count realises he's been tricked. Wolfie giggles)

Count: Do you see me laughing?!

(During dinner.)

Renfield: It's the Master's favourite.

Ingrid: And by "Master", you mean...

(She gestures repeatedly between Vlad and the Count with her fork, deliberately trying to make things awkward)

(Before Erin is about to be burned during the feast.)

Erin: I have to kiss you?

Vlad: Well, technically, I have to kiss you. It says a kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames.

Erin: (smiling) Is that just some excuse to get a cheap snog?

Wolfie: (to Ingrid) I need some advice about maggots.

Erin: You've got to be the sweetest vampire ever.

Vlad: What can I say? There's not much competition.

Blood Thief [3.06]

(After Vlad's just saved Erin from being exposed to sunlight)

Vlad: I'm on fire!

Erin: I'll say.

Vlad: No, really!

(When the Count tells Ingrid to leave Garside.)

Ingrid: But the whole country's crawling with slayers! What if they catch me?

Count: Then I'll lend them a stake!

Ingrid: They'll want to take me alive. They know I'm the Chosen One's sister and then they'll use me to find all of you.

Count: You wouldn't say a thing! ... (pause, then more nervously) ... would you?

Ingrid: Daddy, I'll draw them a map.

Bad to the Bone [3.07]

(When Vlad is trying to open the Predictum Impaver.)

Vlad: I command you to open! Reveal my destiny!

(The book remains closed.)

Ingrid: (entering) "Reveal my destiny!" Very powerful, very compelling and... totally ineffective.

(Renfield is dressed as a ballerina with the intention of impressing Ramanga)

Renfield: I could wow him with my Nutcracker suite!

Bertrand: That is disturbing on so many levels.

(Discussing what to do about Vlad's disappearance after Ramanga's arrival)

Renfield: I could dress up as Vlad!

Count Dracula: That is the worst idea I've heard in 400 years.

Renfield: We could make a life-sized puppet of Vlad!

Count Dracula: That is the worst idea I've heard in 600 years. (Pause) It just might work.

Vlad's Evil Reflection: It's like looking in a mirror. Isn't it, Vlad?

(When Erin reveals Vlad has been thrown into the Blood Mirror.)

Count: Go with her.

Bertrand: (haughtily) What, the half-fang?

(Erin looks offended.)

Count: This is no time to be snobbish!

Vlad's Evil Reflection: You're special, Vlad. You don't have one evil reflection... you have a thousand! Together, we will be the most powerful vampire ever!

(Once Vlad's evil side has taken over him and he instantly opens the Predictum Impaver.)

Ramanga: (kneels) Master! Reveal to us our destiny!

Evil Vlad: Tell the others our time is coming... (laughs evilly.)

Bad Vlad [3.08]

(Zoltan has a twisted neck after an injury.)

Zoltan: How could Vlad do this to me?

Renfield: You and stairs make him laugh.

(During the chaos Vlad is causing.)

Renfield: It's the Master, he's in a terrible mood.

Ingrid: Dad did all this?

Renfield: No, not your...

[He stops, catching himself.]

Ingrid: Not my what, Renfield?

[Awkward pause.]

Ingrid: Say it, you servile wart!

Renfield: N-not your father, Miss.

Ingrid: If not Dad then there must be another Master, who?

Renfield: Vl...

Ingrid: Vl...?

Renfield: aaa...

Ingrid: aaa...?

Renfield: d...

Ingrid: Spells?

Renfield: (inaudibly) Vlad.

Ingrid: He's been evil for one day and you're already calling him the Master?!

Renfield: Please don't tell the Count.

Ingrid: It's not the Count you have to worry about... it's me!

(Renfield has been tied and pinned to a corner on the ceiling.)

Count: (Believing Evil Vlad has done it) He's pinned him to the wall that is genius, that is genius!

Ingrid: Thank you!

(The Count's demeanour instantly changes.)

Count: You? How dare you humiliate Renfield; that's my job.

Evil Vlad: I know your secret, Breather.

Erin: Vlad, please.

Evil Vlad: (sighs exasperatedly) Is that the best you can do?

Erin: Vlad, I'm your friend. I'll get you some blood, you don't need to bite anyone.

Evil Vlad: Oh, I don't need to... but I want to.

(When Vlad faces his evil side in the Mirror Room.)

Evil Vlad: You took your time. (Smirking) Nervous, are we?

Vlad: I'm not the one who should be nervous.

[There are flashes of light as the two use their powers to fight.]

Evil Vlad: You're never gonna win!

[There flashes again as they continue to fight.]

Evil Vlad: What're you gonna do?! Fight me off forever?!

Vlad: No. No, I'm not! I'm the one in control!

Evil Vlad: Oh, you're not strong enough.

[To his surprise, Vlad raises his arms so his evil side and his good side can merge together again.]

Evil Vlad: Bad idea.

[He rushes towards Vlad and the two are one again. Vlad then leaves the room looking shaken and is surprised to see Erin waiting for him.]

Vlad: I told you to go.

Erin: I knew you would win. It's over now, isn't it?

Vlad: He's part of me now. How can it ever be over?!

Therapy [3.09]

(When asked about Will, her slain boyfriend from Stokely.)

Ingrid: We were immortal... we were...

Dr. Seward: Soul mates?

Ingrid: As close as I can get to one.

(After a successful therapy session.)

Ingrid: (To Dr. Seward) When I am Queen of Darkness, you will be spared.

The Return [3.10]

Ingrid: (hugging him) Vlad!

Vlad: (surprised) You don't do hugs.

Ingrid: I've changed.

Erin: (sceptically) Apparently.

Ingrid: (To Vlad) When you left me to burn in the sunlight, I hit rock bottom. In therapy, I learned that I have to be happy with who I am and not envy other people. I think you're gonna make a great leader.

Vlad: I've only been gone a week. Right?

(In the throne room the Count, Vlad, Ingrid and Bertrand are discussing the Van Helsings' return. There's a knock at the door and the Count, Ingrid and Bertrand all snarl angrily.)

Vlad: (Calmly) If the Van Helsings were coming to slay us, I don't think they'd knock first.

Vlad: Is his mind wipe still secure?

Ingrid: Watch. Jonno?

(Jonno turns around as Ingrid's eyes glow red and she snarls at him, exposing her fangs. At this, Jonno faints.)

Vlad: Well, don't do that!

Ingrid: It proves the mind wipe's working and it's fun!

(After Bertrand's plan to stake Ingrid has been thwarted and Vlad's pinned him to the ceiling)

Ingrid: What's going on?

Bertrand: I can explain!

Vlad: Bertrand thought it would be a good idea to reduce you to a pile of ash. Then frame the Van Helsings for it so that I'd go after them.

Ingrid: Hmm, good plan. Apart from the "me" bit.

The Count: I am your man through and through. (puts his fist slightly in the air) Team Vlad!

(Ingrid runs to his side and copies the Count's fist action)

Ingrid: Yay!

The Count: (less enthusiastically) Yay...

Hit Chicks [3.11]

Ingrid: We're going to start with the assassination of Vladimir Dracula.

Vampire girl: Why?

Ingrid: Because he's the key culprit. Soon, he'll be so powerful we'll never be able to oust him.

Vampire girl #2: It's a shame, really. He's quite fit.

(When Vlad discovers Erin is a slayer.)

Vlad: Get out! I don't ever want to see you again!

(Erin doesn't move.)

Vlad: GO!!!

Blood Loyalties [3.12]

(When introducing Renfield to her gang of vampires.)

Ingrid: What d'you think?

Renfield: (grins) Do I get a uniform?

(When Erin tells Vlad the Van Helsings have a weapon they are planning to use on the Draculas.)

Vlad: Tell me why I should believe you.

Erin: Because I care for you. If I didn't, why would I be here?

Vlad: (sarcastically) Oh, I don't know. To slay me and my family?!

(Erin doesn't answer)

Vlad: You should go.

Erin: (holds out a card) Here's the number of the Slayers' Guild if you want to do something about it.

(Vlad takes the card without saying anything. Erin then leaves.)

Mina: To prove yourself, you have to pass one more test.

Erin: I should warn you, I'm a bit dyslexic.

Lie Detector: True.

Erin: Do you trust me now?

Vlad: Saw you hugging Jonno.

Erin: Oh... that.

Vlad: Yes. That.

Erin: I only did that so I could get this. (holds up the keys to the slayer's weapon)

(When the Count tells Vlad to leave Erin while they move out of Garside.)

Erin: He knows I just saved his unlife, right?

Vlad: Yeah, he knows. He just doesn't care. It's a vampire thing.

Vlad: You never changed, did you? And you never will.

Ingrid: Finally! You're so easy to fool, it's almost painful. I guess this means it's game on, little brother.

Vlad: Don't try to fight me, Ingrid! I don't want anyone to get hurt.

Ingrid: And that is exactly why I'm going to win. See you at the final battle, Chosen One.

All For One [3.13]

(When trying and failing to reveal more writing in the Predictum Impaver with Renfield's blood.)

Ingrid: The book opened for Erin! What's she got that Renfield hasn't?!

Ryan: ...Cleanliness?

Bertrand: I thought you'd changed.

Ingrid: And I thought you were his trusted tutor. Guess we can't judge a book by its cover.

Bertrand: Evil minds think alike.

Wolfie: You're weird.

Renfield: You're half-vampire and half-werewolf. Now stop with the name-calling!

Vlad: Many fangs make light work.

Vlad: Can we please try to get on as a family for the next say... one hundred years?

Count: With me as the Head, obviously.

Ingrid: (To Vlad) I thought you said we'd share the power?

Vlad: Actually, what I said was I'd give you the status you deserve.

Count: That'll be equal to a swamp rat, then!

Vlad: (To Ingrid) Which'll give you top position as my number two.

Count: No, she can't be your number two, you're my number two; that makes her number three.

Ingrid: No way am I number three!

Vlad: (resignedly) Ohhh, this is gonna be a long hundred years...

Jonno: Vlad? No biting?

Vlad: No slaying?

Count: No fun!

Season 4

The Good, The Bad and The Undead [4.01]

(While serving blood at the Garside Blood Bank.)

Renfield: B Positive with a splash of cranberry!

Ingrid: Renfield, this is a blood-bank, not a café!

(After all the donated bags of blood have been slashed.)

Bertrand: Look like claw marks, could be a werewolf.

(Everyone looks at Wolfie.)

Wolfie: It wasn't me.

Ingrid: Fangs can do that. Could be a vampire.

(Everyone looks at Wolfie again.)

Wolfie: Still not me.

Malik: Wanna get some blood the old school way?

Ingrid: Breaking the cease-fire. You're more stupid than you look, which is saying some.

(When Malik spray paints a vampiric symbol on a wall.)

Count: Do you know what the V stands for?

Malik: Vampire?

Count: Veni... Vedi... Voro... I came, I saw, I consumed!

(Vlad puts Erin's hand on his chest.)

Vlad: A stake here and I'd live. Coz you stole my heart!

Erin: (smiling) Really? You're going with that?

Vlad: Don't pretend it's not working.

Erin: What am I gonna do with you?

Vlad: I'll make a list.

(When Malik and his gang arrive for blood at the Blood Bank.)

Malik: (spluttering) What're you trying to pull? This is diluted!

Jonno: Hey! We donated that blood.

Malik: That explains the bitter after-taste.

Jonno: You should be grateful for what you're given!

Malik: And you should be grateful you're alive!

Vlad: So should you!

Ramanga: I want to see vampires and slayers in the same room getting on!

Vlad: Doing what? Karaoke?

Revamped [4.02]

Vlad: You made a big mistake at the football match.

Malik: Oh, tell me about it. I should've headed Ryan's cross instead of going for the volley. Sorry, mate.

Bertrand: You bit your way through half the slayer team!

Malik: Oh, that mistake?

Vlad: The Slayer's Guild have given us forty-eight hours to stop attacking Breathers, otherwise the ceasefire is over.

Ryan: Does this mean they don't want a rematch?

Vlad: I can revamp you! Now, who's with me?

(He begins clapping. Malik, Ryan and the feral vampires snigger, causing Vlad to stop.)

Bertrand: "Revamp"? Really?

Vlad: I thought it was catchy. Obviously, not everyone agrees.

(Holding guns at the feral vampires.)

Erin: They're loaded with concentrated garlic juice.

Renfield: Go ahead, punk! Make my day!

Vlad: It's revamp or rest in peace.

(Bertrand is teaching the feral vampires to control their bloodlust.)

Bertrand: Imagine that Renfield is a bulb of garlic. Don't see a Breather. See a bulb of garlic.

(The feral vampires back away, looking disgusted.)

Bertrand: It's working.

Renfield: You mean, you didn't know it would?!

Bertrand: Well... it was fifty-fifty.

Renfield: Fifty-fifty?!

Storm in a Blood Cup [4.03]

(When Vlad is about to meet Adze for the first time.)

Vlad: Are you sure you wanna be here for this?

Erin: Are you kidding? I wanna get a proper look at the competition.

Vlad: There is no competition.

Erin: Right answer.

Ramanga: You look positively... malevolent.

Ingrid: You say the nicest things.

Vlad: During the Blood Tea Ceremony, Dad, Ramanga, Adze and I all have to drink blood from the same cup. If I break off the engagement after that Ramanga's family are honour-bound to hunt me down and kill me.

Erin: Haven't they ever heard of relationship counselling?

The Crown of Ludlaw Erant [4.04]

Vlad: (To Ingrid and Bertrand) You find a candidate and we'll put them to the test.

Count: Excellent idea. They can undertake the trial of Grin Apnoire. Three nights in the caves of Carthusia, where they'll face their biggest fear and from where only one... can return.

Vlad: Or, alternatively, we could do a quiz!

(Renfield tries on the mortarboard given to him for the winner of the quiz by Miss McCauley.)

Renfield: Yes, it's Professor Renfield at your service!

Murderer in the Midst [4.05]

(When Renfield is being questioned by Bertrand over Ryan's murder.)

Bertrand: Vlad ordered me to bring the murderer to justice.

Count: This murder was a classic. It would've needed a brilliant mind and a dark soul. It was a work of art, meticulously planned, ambitious, imaginative.

Bertrand: Way beyond the limited capabilities of Renfield.

Bloodbound [4.06]

(The sun is rising and Vlad has been chained to the school gates after his stag night.)

Bertrand: Sorry, your Dad lost the keys.

Vlad: Well, don't stress. I'm about to be bloodbound to someone I don't love literally forever. So being roasted alive will probably be the highlight of my day!

Malik: Why are you doing this?

Ingrid: Because I have to complete all my tasks to impress the High Council.

Malik: Yeah, a bunch of stuffy old men. Why do you care what they think?

Ingrid: (sarcastically) Oh, wait. I learned this one in therapy. Because, deep down, I'm just a lonely, little girl, who craves her Daddy's approval.

Malik: No, you're not. You're a ruthless psychopath, who craves fresh blood and raw power.

Ingrid: And you've been following me around all day! What does that make you?

Malik: I just don't want to see you make a fool of yourself.

Ingrid: Why do you even care?!

Malik: I just do! (pause) Care. Okay?

Ingrid: (taken aback) But I'm a power-mad psychopath.

Malik: Maybe I like power-mad psychopaths.

Ingrid: I don't need anyone.

Malik: Exactly.

(He leaves. Ingrid, still stunned by Malik's words, begins to tear up, causing her to wordlessly fill the valve given to her by Ramanga.)

Ingrid: You're plotting against Vlad, aren't you?

Ramanga: What makes you say that?

Ingrid: Experience.

(When Malik does not return Ingrid's feelings of affection.)

Ingrid: But... you said you...

Malik: What?

Ingrid: Cared!

Malik: I do. Just... not like that.

(Heartbroken, Ingrid angrily forces Malik against the wall.)

Ingrid: I gave up a seat at the High Council for you!

Malik: I'm sorry! I thought we were friends.

Ingrid: We were friends! That's why you're still alive.

(To Vlad when he reluctantly agrees to marry Adze.)

Ingrid: (tearful) You're doing the right thing. Love is for Breathers and idiots.

Bertrand: Stop the ceremony! I have a just cause or impediment!

Count: No, no, no, I skipped that bit.

Bertrand: Well, go back!

(When the Count punches Ramanga when he learns he was trying to kill Vlad.)

Count: Nobody threatens my Vladdy. (winces with pain) Ah!

Vlad: (impressed) Go, Dad!

Do the Bite Thing [4.07]

Vlad: I'm not leaving Erin like this.

Count: Like what?

Renfield: She's hovering between life and death.

Count: Oh. I thought she seemed duller than usual.

(When Ingrid finds out Malik is the Count's son.)

Ingrid: That explains why you didn't...

Malik: Fall for your charms? Otherwise...

Wolfie: Why doesn't Erin want to be a vampire?

Ingrid: Because when I bit her brother, he changed. He didn't care about his sappy, little sister anymore. And if Erin turns vamp, she won't love Vlad... (as though realising) in fact, she'll hate him.

Wolfie: So why's Vlad going to bite her?

(Ingrid sighs and goes to sit next to Wolfie.)

Ingrid: Because love is stupid. And it makes people do stupid things.

Wolfie: Have you ever been in love?

(Pause.)

Ingrid: Yeah.

Malik: One rule about a fight to the death; there's no time to gloat.

(When Vlad is about to bite Erin to save her.)

Ingrid: Don't do it, Vlad. You're making a mistake.

Vlad: Get out!

Ingrid: Look, I don't know what's going on with you, and I don't really care. But you're not acting like the Vlad I know. Trust me, I've spent seventeen years with the little wimp.

Bertrand: This is insanity!

Renfield: Oooh, thank you very much.

Vlad: (deep voice) ERIN! ERIN!

Ingrid: Oh, great, he's doing the voice again.

Loyalty's for Breathers [4.08]

Count: What would you like, Vladdy?

Renfield: Roast neck of a Breather? Crispy fingers with a puss dip to start...

Vlad: Pizza?

Renfield: Pizza.

Bertrand: There's evil, I can feel it.

Vlad: We're evil.

Bertrand: Besides us.

Vlad: (Surprised) Pizza!

Count: It's what you wanted, isn't it?

Vlad: Yeah! But... you never give me what I want.

Count: Ah, all that's changed. Now you've proven yourself, what Vladdy wants, Vladdy will get.

Ingrid: Oh, please.

Ingrid: But he's only bitten one person! It's hardly carnage!

Count: That will soon follow. It's inevitable, now he's... tasted the nectar.

Vlad: I don't drink blood.

Count: Are you insane?

Vlad: I'm thirsty... I wanna get a drink.

Bertrand: Bloodthirsty?

Sun and Heir [4.09]

(When the Count, Malik and Ingrid are locked in the attic while the sunlight shines through the holes in the roof.)

Count: The sun rises in the east, sets in the west, this room is south facing.

Ingrid: (Realising) Meaning...

Malik: We'll be directly under it's path at midday.

Count: We'll be barbecued to a cinder.

Ingrid: What time is it now?

Malik: (checking his watch) Eleven o'clock.

Count, Malik, Ingrid: Help! Help! Renfield! HELP!

(Speaking to Renfield from the other side of the door.)

Count: Renfield, it's me! Your Lord and Master! You must find a key!

Renfield: You're feeling achy?

Count: A key! A key! Imbecile. We're locked in here!

Renfield: You're eating lettuce and a beer? Well, no wonder you're feeling achy. I'll let you sleep it off.

Erin: I thought vampires didn't care about anything but themselves.

Bertrand: We both know that's not true.

Malik: All I ever wanted was a family.

Ingrid: Join the club.

Bertrand: Vlad! I've been looking for you everywhere! I know; I know who the...

Erin: Vlad, wait, no!

(Vlad stakes Bertrand, who instantly turns to dust.)

Erin: (Shocked) What have you done?

Vlad: Spread the word. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Whatever It Takes [4.10]

Ingrid: I can't believe that my father, the man who saw off the Great Warlock Attack of the 1750s, is letting himself be hopelessly distracted by a brunette Breather... in a cardigan.

Bootiful Breathers [4.11]

Ingrid: Little brother’s turning into big brother.

Renfield: Master Vlad, take me home! Everyone's being really nice to me - it's like a holiday from Hell!

Cuckoo in the Nest [4.12]

Vlad: Bertrand knew about dark forces.

Erin: Shame somebody staked him. (glares pointedly at Vlad)

Malik: Actually that was me, well me and Mum. Bertrand was onto us so we (laughing) tricked Vlad into staking him! (pause) What? It's a classic wind-up!

Vlad: He's completely psychotic!

Count: He's a chip off the old stake, alright.

Erin: Brought down by a girl!

Vlad: Get out of my mind!

Erin: Want to know a secret?

Malik: Always.

(Talking about Malik.)

Ingrid: The writing was on the wall from the moment you brought that cuckoo into the nest.

Vlad: You think I don't know that?

Count: Do you swear eternal loyalty to your Liege and Lord?

Malik: I do.

Count: Will you guard and protect me from all enemies whomsoever (glares at Vlad) they may be?

Malik: I will.

Count: About time someone did!

Vlad: I don't think CPR works on fish.

Kiss of Death [4.13]

Count: Killed with a kiss! (Laughs weakly) What a pathetic way to die!

(In the Count's room and testing to see if Ingrid is in fact the shapeshifter in disguise when she knocks on the door.)

Vlad: (to the Count) Since when did Ingrid ask if you were okay?

Renfield: Shapeshifter!

Ingrid: What's going on in there?

(Vlad grabs a stake off the wall and hides behind the door.)

Count: Enter!

Ingrid: (comes in the room) You idiot. You should've known the real McCauley would never kiss you. You're a disgusting, pale, skinny antique.

Vlad: Yep, that's Ingrid.

(When the Count shows Ingrid a drawing she did when she was five years old.)

Count: You said you couldn't wait to have your own coffin, just like me. Come, come. (Motions for her to sit next to him.) Look, you drew your fangs bigger than mine. You always were more ambitious than Vlad.

Ingrid: I thought you only kept Vlad's drawings. You said you threw all mine away.

Count: I've never said this before... but I do love you, Ingrid.

Ingrid: (quietly) You don't mean that... it's just the poison pickling your brain.

Count: I mean it... with all my dying heart.

[Ingrid throws her arms around the Count.]

Count: It's alright, it's alright.

(Both the Count and Ingrid are encouraging Vlad to recover from ingesting poison, having removed it from the Count.)

Ingrid: (tearing up) Come on, Vlad, you're the Chosen One! You can beat this! Push the poison, Vlad!

Count: Vladdy, what have you done? I promise, I will never disinherit you again! Vlad!

Vlad: Well, Erin and Malik have been spotted in Paris. Bit some tourists on the Eiffel Tower.

Renfield: Sounds painful.

Ingrid: Admit it, you miss her.

Vlad: I hope she chokes on a garlic snail.

Ingrid: By the way, how many more of your ex-girlfriends are coming to kill us?

Count: Who knows? One doesn't like to brag!

Count: We're vampires. We bite, we fight, we... burn in sunlight.

Season 5

Fight or Flight [5.01]

Ingrid: Look what the bat dragged in.

Vlad: Nice to see you too, Sis.

(Saying goodbye to Vlad when he is about to continue his travels around the world.)

Renfield: (Hugging him) Look after yourself. And remember, clean pants once a year.

Who's the Daddy? [5.02]

Vlad: First I get a cold, then a cough, now I can sit in the sun like a kid at the seaside!

Count: (to Vlad) I met your mother at a Goth festival in Whitby. I saw her across a crowded room full of depressed youth. At first I really thought she was one of us, you know some of those Goths are very convincing.

(When Renfield blackmails the Count into making him a vampire.)

Count: Very well, I promise to... bite you in... thirteen leap years time.

Renfield: Thirteen years?

Count: Thirteen leap years.

Renfield: Thirteen leap years? Hooray! One-nil to Renfield!

Vlad: What's the matter?

Renfield: (tearfully) My hair was out of control... so I got rid of it.

Vlad: Really?

Renfield: Yeah.

Vlad: Most people just switch hair gels.

Flesh and Blood [5.03]

Vlad: All those in favour of getting caught running an illegal Breather-biting hotel and turned to dust, raise your right hand.

(When decorating a room for the vampire themed hotel.)

Vlad: Do you think this room's scary enough?

[Renfield sees himself in a mirror and yells.]

Renfield: (Laughing) Oh, it's me!

Vlad: I'll take that as a yes.

Vlad: This room is for the sculptor I was telling you about. She's staying for the weekend and we need her alive.

Count: What, the whole weekend?

(When shown around Vlad's bedroom.)

George: I think this coffin's way too fancy. Only a loser vampire would sleep in something like this.

Count: (to Vlad) I'm starting to like her.

Vlad: Too fancy, got it. What about the rest of the room? That's pretty cool.

George: I dunno. It's all a bit try-hard. Feels like the bedroom of a total poser. And there's a really weird smell... like a cross between...

Vlad: (annoyed) Let's find you another room, shall we?

Vlad: What're you doing here? You're supposed to be at the conference all weekend.

Ingrid: I got bored.

Vlad: (smirking) They gave you loads of lame jobs to do, didn't they?

Ingrid: (glares at him) I don't want to talk about it.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy [5.04]

Sally: Have they been good to you? Your... parents?

Vlad: Well, as power-hungry, bloodthirsty undead parents go... not bad.

Count: As bad ideas go, this is right up there with midday sunbathing and garlic-filled pizza crust!

Renfield: Here we are, normal drinks served in a normal way. What could be more normal?

(After Ingrid revealed she's a vampire to George and scared her away.)

Vlad: You promised you'd be normal!

Ingrid: This is normal, mongrel boy!

(When Ingrid plans to tell the Vampire High Council about Vlad and is unconcerned that the Count will face banishment.)

George: But you'll be banished too.

Ingrid: Excuse me?

George: Told you I was doing Latin at school. (Reading from a scroll) "Pacata omnia pacata patris familiae". The sins of the father are the sins of all the family.

Ingrid: Let me see that!

(Ingrid snatches the scroll of of George and reads it; she is shocked and furious to see that George is correct.)

Count: (Laughs) The Breather child's right! Ingrid and Vlad are as tainted as myself. If she betrays us, she will be banished for eternity. Ping!

Vlad: (To Ingrid) Should've brushed up on your Latin. (Smirks) I think that's what they call "checkmate"?

Ingrid: (Seething) I hope that jelly chokes the lot of you!

Warning Shadows [5.05]

(George aims a water pistol at Ingrid.)

Ingrid: Try it, kid, and I'll introduce you to my games room... the torture chamber.

George: I always wanted a big sister, till I met you.

(After Malik's returned.)

Vlad: I told you if I ever saw you again, I would stake you myself!

Malik: Nice to see you too.

(Talking about Ramanga.)

Asan: He seeks revenge on all those who've crossed or shamed him.

Count: A lifetime's work, I should think.

Malik: I'm still a Dracula, like it or not.

Vlad & Ingrid: NOT!

Asan: They will not cross the circle of light. Please, Lord Count, you must stand inside.

Count: I'm not frightened of shadows.

Asan: My father, Yako, was not afraid of shadows either... now he's dust.

(Pause)

Count: Perhaps just to be on the safe side, I mean, it'll be churlish not to.

The Enemy Within [5.06]

(When making Bug Burgers.)

George: I'll help if Vlad does.

Vlad: Well, who doesn't love Bug Burgers?

Sally: Brilliant, let's make Bug Burgers. That'll keep me awake, if slightly disgusted.

Ingrid: Eurgh! That's disgusting! Looks like your hand's about to rot off.

Malik: Not as disgusting as that growth on your face, fungus features!

Ingrid: Anyone for tennis?

Sally: I draw the line at explosives.

(After Asan and the Draculas drink a vampire victory potion.)

George: Can I try some?

Sally: Certainly not! I don't even want to imagine what's in it.

Renfield: Well, I started out with a little dash of pig's bile, then a tiny little squeeze of lemming's liver--

Sally: I don't actually want to know what's in it, thank you, Renfield.

Nemesis Rising [5.07]

Talitha: Ingrid Dracula, the first female on the Vampire High Council. More power to you!

Count: Yes, yes, Head of Catering. Buffet the Vampire Waitress! Ha, ha, ha! Oooh, terrifying!

Malik: Eurgh! He sounds more like a Breather every day!

Vlad: Well, I'm not! I'm a Dracula!

Open House [5.08]

Ingrid: (To Malik) There you go, Green Tree Frog tea.

(When the Count tells everyone he wants them to move to Australia.)

Vlad: Australia?! Are you insane?

Ingrid: Either that or he's an idiot. Or both.

Vlad: What have you got that Ingrid wants?

Malik: What're you talking about?

Vlad: It's just I've never seen her be so nice to anyone... ever.

The Bodyguard [5.09]

Vlad: You seem to know a lot about me, Mr...

Roquelaire: Roquelaire. As VHC's security chief it's my job to know. Like I know that your sister has been listening in to our conversation for the last five minutes.

[He opens the door and Ingrid is there.]

Ingrid: Not listening in actually, I... just didn't want to leave Vlad alone with a stranger.

Vlad: I laugh in the face of pointy wood.

Blood Match [5.10]

Shango: We're going to destroy the High Council, kill the other vampire clans, divide their territories between us...

Count: ... and rule the world, I suppose. Yes, yes, how very original. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

(When Ramanga returns.)

Count: He seems... urgh... madder than I remember him.

Ingrid: Dabbling in necromancy can do that.

Ramanga: (Tapping his fangs) Titanium gold. Designer!

Ingrid: Vulgar and fake. They suit you perfectly.

Count: Yes.

(When Talitha is trying to encourage Vlad to reconnect to his vampire powers.)

Talitha: Make a fireball.

Vlad: Make a fireball... okay... I think I've got it...

[He thrusts his hand out, but only a small spark appears.]

Vlad: Pathetic.

Talitha: I guess we're back to rubbing two sticks together.

(After Malik's been dusted by Ramanga)

Ingrid: Dust to dust. (Disposes of Malik's ashes in the fireplace) Fool.

Bite Me [5.11]

Vlad: I think Malik getting dusted hit her hard.

Talitha: Ingrid, with feelings? More chance of Renfield winning Miss Transylvania.

(When Renfield is once again trying to persuade the Count to turn him into a vampire.)

Renfield: But I so want to be a vampire, Master. And with all this bother going on, if you were to bite me now I might be able to help, and you were gonna bite me in thirteen leap years time anyway.

Count: (Laughs) Oh, Renfield, Renfield! Is there no limit to the depths of your stupidity? A leap year is made up of four normal years. So thirteen leap years is actually forty! No... sixty! No, that's not right either.

Ingrid: Fifty-two, idiot.

Count: Fifty-two years away and by then, you'll be far too frail and dribbly to bother with.

Renfield: (Sadly) I see. Fooled again.

Count: Well, it's not really that difficult.

(Vlad is trying to appease Renfield after Ingrid has given him a whole bottle of Backbone potion.)

Vlad: Come on, Renfield. You're part of the family.

(Ingrid gives him a look)

Vlad: ...Sort of.

Renfield: When's my birthday, then?

(Long pause as Vlad, the Count and Ingrid exchange blank looks.)

Renfield: And I bet you can't remember my first name either.

Vlad: (Hastily) Keith!... Nigel?

Ingrid: Susan.

Vlad: Susan!

Renfield: It's Percival. Per-ci-val. Oh, you're all gonna pay for that!

(When Renfield has shut down the defences around Garside and needs a code to reinstall it.)

Count: Very well. Do that computery thing and... and I'll bite you, you snivelling slug!

Renfield: Oh, no. You're not tricking me again. Bite me first, then I'll give you the code. Two minutes.

Count: You doubt my word?

Renfield: Course I do. Coz you're a big fat liar! Two! Minutes!

Count: Fat?! I'm the same size now as I was back in 1680!

The Darkest Hour [5.12-13]

Count: I've created the world's worst vampire.

Renfield: Well, maybe you could give me a few tips.

Count: Yes, yes. Get used to being hungry.

(When the Count gives Vlad a birthday present.)

Count: This is one of the seven wonders of the underworld.

Vlad: A clean pair of Renfield's pants?

Vlad: Most people get a car when they turn eighteen, not all the evil in the universe!

Count: Sally, Sally! Bring it in! Bring it in! There's a hug here with your name on it!

Sally: I'd rather not. Just in case there's a neck here with your teeth on it.

Ingrid: If I don't make it out of here alive tell Piers that I... despise him.

(When the High Council come to arrest Vlad, the Count and Ingrid.)

Talitha: I can't let you do that.

Ingrid: (sarcastically) Oh, yay! The hippie to the rescue! What're you gonna do, hug them to death?

Count: Did you know that birds eat the weakest chick so that only the strongest survive?

Vlad: Did you know that worker bees kill their queen when she gets too old?

Ingrid: So I'm getting dusted because my dad had a baby with a breather and stole a seed? How is any of this my fault?

Roquelaire: At dawn, you will be put into the sun chamber.

Ingrid: (sarcastically) You mean the room with a window?

(After Vlad kisses Talitha, having made the decision to become a full vampire)

Talitha: You've still got your fangs?

Vlad: (smiling) Sun tans are overrated.

Vlad: We dust one of yours, you dust one of ours. When does this cycle of revenge end? And there's nothing left of us but a pile of ash and a memory? You want to destroy me because I'm a half-breather, but what if that's the reason I was chosen? We've been using our powers against one another for so long, we couldn't see the answer right in front of us; we need to support each other. To unite. To become more human. It's the only way we can defeat something that is more evil than all of us combined. The Blood Seed.

Vlad: We have to stand together. It's the only way.

Shango: This won't bring back my father.

Vlad: But it will save your brother. Form a circle! Hold on tight, it'll try to pick us off one by one, break us apart. Renfield, put the container in the middle. If we combine our powers, we can pull it into the box.

(The group has formed a circle in order to contain the Blood Seed, but Shango refuses to take Vlad's hand)

Vlad: We can't do this if you still hate us. I'm sorry about your father, but we're the new generation. We can start again.

(Shango finally takes Vlad's hand. The Blood Seed howls, before being sucked into the cake box. The red spores vanish.)

Shango: United, we stand. Divided, we're dust. The feud is over.

Roquelaire: On behalf of the Vampire High Council, thank you. I hereby declare that the Dracula family are officially pardoned of all past misdemeanor.

(Everyone celebrates)

(Vlad is explaining to Sally that he plans to wipe her and George's memories)

Vlad: Please, listen to me. As long as you know me, you will never be safe. As the Chosen One, there will always be vampires who will try to use you to get to me. But if I wipe your memories, you and George... you'll never even know I existed.

Sally: But I lost you for 18 years. I can't lose you forever.

Vlad: What if George gets bitten? Is that a risk you're willing to take?

Sally: And I really won't remember anything? About you?

Vlad: (offering the yin half of his yin yang necklace) Here. Take this. One half each. Wherever we are in the world, we will always be connected.

(The two hug)

Sally: Promise me, you will always remember who we are, and that we love you, now and always.

(The Count enters as Vlad turns his back)

Count: Vlad... knew he... wouldn't be able to do this, so uh...

Sally: It's been a long time since we were standing this close.

Count: Sally, I... I've made a lot of mistakes in my time. You were never one of them. And I'm sorry... I adopted our son and I didn't tell you.

Sally: You were protecting him. Tell me you will never stop doing that.

Count: He's a man now. With his powers, it'll be me that needs his protection.

Sally: I'm going to miss you. (she kisses him) You silly old fool.

Count: Not so much of a fool...

Count: You know, I can't believe I've sold this dump.

Ingrid: I can't believe you're going to Australia.

Count: I've been given a "Get Out of Jail Free" card and I intend to use it, and where better to start than dining on the descendants of our convict cousins?

Renfield: (with an Australian accent) Put another bed on the barbie, gobber! That's Australian-ese!

Count: Please tell me you packed that box.

Vlad: We're taking it to the Himalayas. There's not much oxygen at that altitude. (to Ingrid) You can come with us, if you'd like.

Ingrid: No thanks. I've gotten back my place on the High Council, so I'm off to the old country. I can't wait to bite my first peasant.

Piers: (enters the room) Or, you could stay here with me.

Count: You might want to redecorate first, it's a little uh... post-apocalyptic.

Ingrid: You're the new owner?

Piers: We are. Made quite a bit of money off that incredibly authentic vampire game, thanks to you.

Ingrid: What?

Piers: You own 50%.

Ingrid: (touched) It's what I've always wanted! (hugs Piers) Thank you... a throne of my own.

Vlad: Well, we'd better get moving. Look after yourself, Dad.

Count: Don't I always? Vlad, Vlad, come here.

(The Count takes Vlad off to the side)

Count: You know I, uh... I used to be embarrassed to call you my son. But now I'm ashamed I ever doubted you. Vladimir Dracula, you have made a very, very old vampire very, very proud.

(They hug)

(Last lines; as Vlad and Talitha get ready to leave Garside Grange)

Talitha: Do you think we'll ever come back here?

Vlad: Immortality is a long time. Who knows what could happen?

Miscellaneous

Ingrid: Knowledge is power, little brother. Go and find your own.

Malik: Alas, poor Elizabeta. I knew her, Vlad.

Renfield: I wanted to talk about a few things; like life, love and being soulless.

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Young Dracula