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Yellowbeard

1983 film by Mel Damski

Yellowbeard is a 1983 comedy in which, after serving two decades in prison, Yellowbeard breaks out determined to recover the treasure that he buried so long ago, alongside his son, old crew, and the British Navy.

Directed by Mel Damski. Written by Graham Chapman, Peter Cook, Bernard McKenna, and David Sherlock.
Swashbucklers, pirates, public floggings, saucy tarts, beggars, queens, & jolly rogers.taglines

Yellowbeard

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  • Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!
  • She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.
  • I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone.
  • Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy.

Betty

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  • If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst.
  • [recreating the path to where the treasure is buried] Stagger, stagger, crawl, crawl, jump...

Narrator

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  • The pirate Yellowbeard captured many other galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips, he was caught and imprisoned... for tax evasion.

Dialogue

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Commander Clement: Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.
Yellowbeard: Yes, and now I'm due to released.
Commander Clement: Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.
Harvey "Blind" Pew: I may be blind, but I've got acute 'earing.
Commander Clement: I'm not interested in your jewelry, cloth-eyes.
Dan: Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
Yellowbeard: Do what?
Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.
Betty: I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.
Yellowbeard: Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!
El Nebuloso: [Examining Yellowbeard's treasure] Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?
El Segundo: Why, God, of course.
El Nebuloso: And who is God's personal representative in these parts?
El Segundo: Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.
El Nebuloso: Well, God wants to keep all of it.
Yellowbeard: Where's the map?
Betty: What map?
Yellowbeard: If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!
Commander Clement: [about pile of dead bodies] What happened?
Betty: Plague!
Commander Clement: Plague?
Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.
Commander Clement: That man's got a sword in him!
Betty: He fell on it.
Flower Girl: Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
Dan: [kneels down so he's at her level] What?
Flower Girl: Will you give me two farthings for a lump of shit?
Dan: No.
[she smacks him in the face with the ordure and walks away]
Dr. Gilpin: Society is to blame.
Dan: Father! We thought you were dead.
Yellowbeard: Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?
Dan: Um, well...
Yellowbeard: How many men have you killed so far?
Dan: One. Two, I think.
Yellowbeard: You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.
Yellowbeard: Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!
Dan: What?
Yellowbeard: You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!
Betty: Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.
Gilbert: Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?
Yellowbeard: You won't catch me with those trick questions.

Taglines

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  • Swashbucklers, pirates, public floggings, saucy tarts, beggars, queens, & jolly rogers.
  • A Shipload of Laughs.
  • ...a rollicking yarn for the young in the head!
  • The greatest comedy cast ever assembled for a movie! Everyone who's ever been funny!!!

Cast

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See also

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Wikipedia
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