XXX (2002 film)
2002 film by Rob Cohen
A New Breed Of Secret Agent.
- The things I'm gonna do for my country.
- [irked at the police chasing him, speaking to camera] These monkeys are chasing me because I just took this car. Obviously the car doesn't belong to me, it's not my style. It belongs to Dick, Dick Hodgkiss, the California state senator. You remember Dick, he's the one who tried to ban rock music because he says the lyrics promote violence. It's music, Dick! He's also the guy who wants to pull every video game off every shelf in the country, because he believes that the video games diminish the intelligence of our youth. Come on, Dick. It's the only education we got. Dick, you're a bad man. And you know what we do with bad men, we punish them. Dick, you've just entered The Xander Zone. [drives off a bridge, jumps out of the car and parachutes to the ground as the car explodes] Moral is, DON'T BE A DICK, DICK!
- [Having blown up Kirill by homing his rocket in on his cigarette] I told him that cigarette would kill him one day!
- J.J.:[referring to Xander's illegal stunt] Look, you need to just lay low for a while.
- Xander: I'm untouchable. [SWAT team burst in and everyone at the party runs] Alright, alright, I'll turn the music down! [SWAT member shoots him with a tranquilizer dart] AH! [pulls dart from his chest] It was only a Corvette...[collapses]
- [Xander has just foiled the supposed "robbery" inside the diner he woke up in. He turns to see Gibbons clapping]
- Gibbons: Well done Mr. Cage.
- Xander: Who the hell are you?
- Gibbons: The name's Gibbons. Augustus Gibbons. You seem upset. Is there something wrong?
- Xander: What is this place?
- Gibbons: Looks like a diner.
- Xander: That's clever. You know, you almost had me going for a second? I was a little groggy at first, but then I started noticing things. Like you got a stock broker over here reading the Financial Times on a Sunday morning when the market's closed. Unlikely, but alright, I can go with that. I can even go with the stick-up man packing a cop issue Beretta. But you want to know where you blew it? With her. [points to the waitress behind the counter] My aunt was in the restaurant business all her life. There's no way a career waitress comes to work in high heels. She'd have blisters the size of pancakes before lunch. And if she ain't real, then this whole thing ain't real. That's how I know that this bozo over here [points to the bleeding 'stock broker' on the floor] wouldn't get a shot off even if we waited until St. Patrick's Day. [fires a blank round from the stock broker's shotgun at a wall clock] Because there's nothing but blanks in these guns. Oh, and no offence, but their performances were terrible.
- Gibbons: [Starts to laugh] That's good. That's very good.
- Xander: Okay, you're turn, pretty boy. What the hell is all of this?
- Gibbons: It was a test, Mr. Cage, that you aced.
- Agent Polk: [Entering] He seems to have an attitude.
- Xander: Excuse me?
- Agent Polk: [To Gibbons] Should we throw him back?
- Gibbons: Hell no, I love his attitude! Let's take this to the next level. [Starts speaking to the agents in the diner] Get on the sat-com!
- Xander: What are you talking about, what next level?
- Gibbons: I want everyone out in ten minutes!
- Xander: [Starts walking towards the exit] I don't know who you think you're playing with, I don't play this game!
- Gibbons: [looking at the trucker, who has burns from the coffee] Get Mike a doctor. We don't want him looking like me.
- Xander: I got a party to go to!
- Gibbons: [To the waitress, nodding towards Xander] Shut him up.
- Xander: And don't to forget to pay for my windo- [The waitress shoots him with a tranq dart] AH! [He falls down and pulls the dart from his chest]
- Gibbons: Why is it always the assholes that pass the test? [sees Xander pass out]
- [Plane ramp begins to lower]
- Virg: What the hell is this?!
- [Xander looks bored at the soldiers]
- Virg: This ain't right! I'm telling you, none of this is right! [soldiers wave bye-bye]
- Xander: I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT! [Xander and the others parachute out of the plane]
- [the trio lands in a field]
- Xander: WHOOO! Not bad! [Looks around and watches the plane fly away while smiling] Let's do that again.
- [Xander survives the Colombian Army raid on a drug plantation and sees Augustus Gibbons]
- Xander: Look who it is,Frankenstein. Uncuff me so I can beat the shit out of you.
- Gibbons: Relax, X. You just graduated at the top of your class.
- Xander: What the hell are you talking about?! You nearly got us killed out there!
- Agent Polk: We knew the Colombian Army was moving in.
- Xander: Excuse me?
- Agent Polk: [Looking smug at Xander] It was my idea to use you as a decoy. They liked the ide-
- [Xander headbutts Polk. Gibbons knocks him down with a leg sweep.]
- Xander: You're pretty fast for an old man.
- Gibbons: Get up. [Xander does so] Walk with me. [They walk through the camp to a group of agents burning cocaine in a pile] You know, I'm the type of guy who believes under the right circumstances a man can change. For example, last night you exhibited courage, leadership, and the willingness to protect a man you hardly knew.
- Xander: So give me a medal.
- Gibbons: [Chuckling] I'd rather give you a job!
- Xander: Look at me! Do I look like a fan of law enforcement?
- Gibbons: I just want you to do is meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.
- Xander: What type of people?
- Gibbons: Dangerous, dirty, tattooed, uncivilized. Your kind of people.
- Xander: Hold up. My kind of people would say. "Kiss my ass, Scarface!"
- Gibbons: See, this is usually the point where I'd take out my gun, press it to your temple and ask you very politely to do what I want. But you're not the type who's afraid of death. So I guess this puts us in a quandary, doesn't it?
- Xander: So I guess we better call this a day, then?
- Gibbons: Not just yet. You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wildcat. See, he remembers running across the plains, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury locked in a box. But after a while their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man. Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary is no joke. They'll take a wild man like you and throw him in solitary just for the fun of it. No more mountains to board, no more oceans to surf. Just a six by eight cell with no windows, and only a bucket to shit in. But you can avoid all that by doing this one small favor for me.
- Xander: You don't have shit on me!
- Gibbons: I notice you have three X's tattooed on the back of your neck. I think that's rather appropriate seeing as you're looking at three strikes. Grand theft auto, reckless endangerment, and that little bridge stunt of yours? Makes you three-time loser. Maybe you should call yourself "Triple X". But if you do want, I'll make all your recent criminal transgressions go away and let you get back to that pathetic excuse of a life.
- Xander: You think maybe I should be like you? Get all strut up with stars and stripes? I bet that flag is a real comfort every time you look in the mirror.
- Gibbons: A small price I paid for putting foot to ass for my country. So, what's it going to be, Triple X? You want to get on a plane? Or is "Kiss my ass, Scarface" your final answer?
- [NSA agent Toby Lee Shavers shows X his special 44 Magnum revolver]
- Toby Lee Shavers: Knocked over a few 7-Elevens, have we?
- Xander Cage: Nah, I had my leg in a cast for about three months. All I did was play first-person shooter video games.
- Shavers: That's a really sad story.
- Yorgi: Now that business is over, we party.
- Kolya: Bitches, come!
- [Xander prepares to parachute onto Ahab]
- Xander: I wish I had a camera!
- Yelena: What are you talking about?
- Xander: Because this is gonna be one hell of a trick!
- A New Breed Of Sxxxecret Agent.