[sings] A little nonsense now and then
Is relished by the wisest men.
Not original to this work, the proverb dates from at least the 18th century.
[in the tunnel] There's no earthly way of knowing,
Which direction we are going.
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing.
Is it raining? Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of hell a glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?!
Yes! The danger must be growing,
for the rowers keep on rowing.
And they're certainly not showing...
any signs that they are slowing!
Computer Operator: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days. But now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining golden tickets. [pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints out a response] It says: "I won't tell. That would be cheating." [pushes the buttons on the machine again] I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. [the machine prints out another response] He says: "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?" [sighs, then pushes the buttons once again] I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with the lifetime supply of chocolate.
Sam: I'll get even with you for this, Wonka, if it's the last thing I ever do!! [to himself; voice breaks] I got a blueberry for a daughter.
Violet: [about the Oompa-Loompas] Well, they can't be real people.
Wonka: Well, of course they're real people.
Mr. Salt: Stuff and nonsense!
Wonka: No. Oompa Loompas.
Group: [turn around] Oompa Loompas?
Wonka: From Loompaland.
Mrs. Teevee: Loompaland? There's no such place.
Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady...
Mrs. Teevee: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
Wonka: Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."
Mr. Salt: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. [continues] And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
Veruca: Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away.
Mr. Salt: All right, Veruca. All right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
Veruca: I want an Oompa Loompa now!
Violet: Can it, you nit!
Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?
Wonka: I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
Grandpa Joe: I just wanted to ask about the chocolate, the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it?
Wonka: He doesn't.
Grandpa Joe: Why not?
Wonka: Because he broke the rules.
Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
Wonka: [angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis, incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum! It's all there! Black and white, clear as crystal! You STOLE Fizzy-Lifting Drinks! You BUMPED into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get... NOTHING!!! You lose! GOOD DAY, SIR! [returns to work]
Grandpa Joe: [shocked] You're a crook... [furiously] You're a cheat and a swindler...! That's what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy's hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! [lividly] You're an inhuman monster...!
Wonka: I said "GOOD DAY"!! [goes on about his work]
Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie. Let's get out of here. [sets to leave] I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
[he and Charlie are about to leave, when Charlie slowly walks up to Wonka]
Charlie: Mr. Wonka?
[he places the Everlasting Gobstopper on Wonka's desk and sets off]
Wonka: [puts his hand on the Gobstopper, while writing] "So shines a good deed in a weary world." [looks up] Charlie? My boy. You've won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would! I just knew you would! Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson! [The man originally known as Slugworth walks in.] Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson!
Wonka: No, no! That's not Slugworth. He works for me!
Charlie: For you?
Wonka: I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test! You won!
Grandpa Joe: Won what?!
Wonka: The jackpot, my dear sir! The grand and glorious jackpot!
Charlie: The chocolate?
Wonka: The chocolate, yes! The chocolate, but that's just the beginning! We hafta get on! We hafta get on! We have so much time, and so little to do! Strike that. Reverse it. This way, please!
Wonka: But, Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.