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Wedding Crashers

2005 film directed by David Dobkin

Wedding Crashers is a 2005 film about a pair of committed womanizers who sneak into weddings to take advantage of the romantic tinge in the air.

Directed by David Dobkin. Written by Steve Faber and Bob Fisher.
On July 15th, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations. (taglines)

John Beckwith

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  • There he is, the big guy!
  • I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
  • I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
  • It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all.
  • You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey

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  • Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
  • I don't even wear a belt...beltless.
  • Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion.
  • You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!
  • Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go.
  • I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad.
  • I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now.
  • I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
  • I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.
  • It feels so good when he jokes.
  • Lock it up!
  • The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
  • Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night.
  • Give me a break! That was my first Asian!
  • I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
  • Proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
  • I'm a cocksman!
  • You motor-boating son of a bitch, you old sailor you!
  • I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win!
  • This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
  • I felt like Jodie Foster in 'The Accused'
  • I hope you flip your bike over and knock out your two front teeth, you selfish son-of-a-bitch!

Sack's Friends

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  • Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!
  • Are you ready to have the noise brought on you?
  • That's what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num!
  • Daiquiris.

William Cleary

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  • Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
  • You know, she's not just another notch on your belt.
  • Now Todd, it wouldn't kill ya to play some competitive sports, once in a while, would it?
  • Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
  • Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
  • [about Todd] Oh, he says he believes in art, but all I've seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick!
  • Sailor! Good Man.

Todd Cleary

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  • Death, you are my Bitch Lover!
  • I made you a painting ... I call the painting 'Celebration'(shows painting). It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
  • Would that make you love me?!
  • I'll be in my room painting homo things.
  • I'll pop out at the right moment!
  • Let's play tummy sticks.
  • We had a moment at the dinner table.
  • Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Chaz Reinhold

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  • What the fuck do you want?
  • God darn you! I almost nun-chucked you. You don't even realize!
  • I'm just living the dream.
  • Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!
  • Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!
  • What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there.
  • Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!
  • Come on in for the real thing.
  • It's like fishing with dynamite.
  • Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!
  • Jay-Bone!
  • (Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!
  • You're coming with!

Other People

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  • Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
  • Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!
  • Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
  • Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard!
  • Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!\\\\\\

Dialogue

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John: No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
[the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]
John: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy: Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman!
[they turn around again]
John: Tourette's.
Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.
John: Soft mattress?
Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
Jeremy: I don't give a baker's fuck! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
John: Whoa, what?
Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
John: Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night.
Jeremy: Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's kind of an interesting combination.
Sack: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grub worm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy: Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh...attire you have on or just your general point of view toward everybody, but let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
John: Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy: I mean, like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
Todd: I want my painting back.
Jeremy: Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
Jeremy: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass? What were they like, anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a bitch, you old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John: What is wrong with you?
Jeremy: What do you mean, what's wrong with... What's wrong with you?
John: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John: Drop it.
Jeremy: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John: Drop it!
Jeremy: Team player!
Janice: Why do you need this?
Jeremy: I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Janice: Okay, that's not creepy.
Jeremy: I guess it is a little creepy when a young man who happens to be an only child loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then has his best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone. Yeah, maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Janice: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Jeremy: That's okay.
Janice: No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you.
Jeremy: Ah, Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward, intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while, you just really want to know, are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or "Ouch, ouch, you're on my hair."
Janice: Okay.
Jeremy: Okay, could you, could you put that so he--he can't see it. Thank you. Hey, Janice, great talk.
Jeremy: Sorry, just--just a sampler. Told you this would be classy, right?
John: Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.
Jeremy: Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.
John: Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Jeremy: Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.
John: Consider it done.
John: Fondue set.
Claire: Excuse me?
John: The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)
Claire: Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John: Well, I'm a psychic.
Claire: You're psychic?
John: I am.
Claire: Really?
John: Yes.
Claire: What's that one.
John: Knife set. German, very nice.
Claire: Hmm. And that?
John: Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Claire: Ooh, what about that?
John: Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.
Claire: Okay, how about that?
John: This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.
Claire: Let's check.
John: Who's it from?
Claire: Aunt Milly.
John: Yes!
Claire: Well, you--you have a gift.
John: I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Claire: Well, you know, if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.

[last lines]

Jeremy: So what's next?
Gloria: I'm starving.
Jeremy: Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.
John: Hey, hey.
Jeremy: I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--
John: [to Claire] They would have great tempura.
Jeremy: We don't even have a back story. I'm just--
John: Forget it, forget it.
Jeremy: Just talking out loud.
Claire: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!
Gloria: Yeah!
Jeremy: Yes we are.
Jeremy: [confesses to a priest] She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin and it hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too, so could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straight-jacket, this broad is fucked three ways towards the weekend, and you want to know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on! Because you want to know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy! That's right, maybe Jeremy is a little nuts! And there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. Man, I had a little imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other everyday and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win.
Priest: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Jeremy: And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know! But I know when that red-head starts getting kooky, there's something about me that feels alive inside. Diggin' talking with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about you. Think you're a special special man. Come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (kisses the priest) I love you, you're a sweet man.
Priest: Dear God.
Jeremy: Well, don't worry about it. We'll burn 'em with a post.
John: No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?
Jeremy: John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!
John: [to Claire] Oh, you're going to cover me?
Claire: Like white on rice.
John: Alright, I like my odds here.
John: [to Claire] Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.
Jeremy: [to everyone] Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7!
John: [to Claire] Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.
Jeremy: John!
John: What?
Jeremy: Red 7!
John: I don't know what Red 7 means!
Jeremy: Hot route!
John: I don't--what is hot route?
Jeremy: Would you just go stand on the other side, please?
Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
John: What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 15, you're an idiot.
Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.
Jeremy: [with sleeping bag] Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
John: Alright, it's today.
Jeremy: See, you've been getting into a little light reading.
John: It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.
Jeremy: Yeah. So how ya been?
John: Great, really spectacular.
Jeremy: Well good. What have you been up to?
John: Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
Jeremy: Alone?
John: No, not alone.
Jeremy: Well, who have you been crashing with then?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: Chazz?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--
John: Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
Jeremy: Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.
John: I know, I...look, I'm--I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
Jeremy: I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that, man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya. [hugs him] You know I love you. It's good to see you.
John: It's good to see you.
Jeremy: Are you sure you've been okay? This does not look like a guy who's been okay.
John: Ah, I know. Looks like a pig sty.
Jeremy: Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--
John: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.
Jeremy: You said that the book wasn't yours.
John: Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: I'm trying--
John: Kindly leave.
Jeremy: Mean a lot to me if you came.
John: Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly!
Jeremy: What?!
John: White trash!
Jeremy: What are you talking about?
John: Out. Out.
Jeremy: You better get your ass to that wedding.
Jeremy: We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John: And who's going to be there to catch them?
Jeremy: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or wedding season? [raises hand]
John: Mister Grey.
Jeremy: Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?
John: Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?
Sack: Trapster, it's Sack.
Trapster: Sackmaster! How was the wedding?
Sack: Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental group, remember them?
Trapster: No way! Did you tap that again?
Sack: Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Trapster: Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
Sack: Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know. She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all change when we're married, 'cause I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right?
Trapster: I hear that, my friend.
Sack: Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-I got--do you remember that private detective we used to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?
Trapster: The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
Sack: Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys, John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of NPO called "Holy Shirts & Pants".
Trapster: I will check into them.
Sack: Excellent, bro.
Trapster: You DA man!
Sack: Take it easy.
Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Did you say something, Todd?
Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Todd, where are you going with this?
Todd: Just don't, don't say anything to my dad though. Some friend of my sisters. She said something to my dad a couple of years ago. He now lives in a shack in Guam. Not by choice.
Jeremy: [making balloon animals] Who else wants something?
Boy: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy: A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons, and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now, so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe?
Boy: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy: Wh-why are you yelling at me?
Boy: Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy: I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Boy: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!
Woman: Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
John: Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Woman: You poor thing!
John: He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?
Woman: Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--
John: Oh, you have to leave?
Woman: Yes.
John: Oh, okay.
Woman: I could hang out for a few minutes.
[Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]
John: Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Woman: You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--
John: Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
[she leaves]
Jeremy: Doctor. She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
John: How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Jeremy: Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
John: God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria: What?
Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from What's Happening!, the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye, Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird "Al" Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.
Gloria: We are?
[sees Jeremy carrying the grandmother back to her room]
Randolph: You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy: Jam? L--
Randolph: Listen, man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy: You could not be more wrong about what's happen--
Randolph: Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.
[John has come to Jeremy's house to confront him for not backing him up against Sack. He quickly catches Gloria and Jeremy having sex.]
John:[angry] Perfect!
[John storms off as Jeremy puts his pants on.]
Jeremy: Johnny, wait.
Gloria:[getting herself ready] Oh my God, what time is it?!
[Jeremy chases after John. John then demands an answer from him for sneaking off to see Gloria behind his and Senator Clary's back]
Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I didn't know how and I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with you, I care about her so much. I love her.
John: What?! I can't believe you. Judas! Rule number five, you're an idiot.
Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket. Rule number hundred and fifteen, you're an asshole.

Taglines

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  • On July 15, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations.
  • They're just a couple of guys who need a good wife.
  • Hide Your actual IQ rating.
  • Life's a Blessing, Remember to Pray.

Cast

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