2005 film by Rob McKittrick
Waiting... is a 2005 comedy film about servers in a restaurant.
- Written and Directed by Rob McKittrick.
- What happens in the kitchen, ends up on the plate.
- Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch!
- Sir yes sir! Blue cheese for you stat! Have a good day big guy.
- Yes Masta..Right away, Masta..Ain't gonna be no bacon on the salad, Masta...no bacon..oh no no no.
- Yeah! Carpe deez nuts! God, I can't wait to quit this job!
- Fuck you, bitch!
- Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven’t I been inside you?
- Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
- You think I want to have kids? Absolutely not. That's why I stick to anal sex.
- Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
- Nothing worse than going to the back room for some condiments and ending up staring at a huge, steamy pile of cock. [Shudders]
- Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night to start working here.
- I'd do her (Amy). Hell I'd probably even pay. [chuckles] ...I would.
- It's okay, I understand how it works. Birds of a feather flock to vagina.
- That's Naomi, and she's been working here WAY too long. But, she's actually a pretty sweet girl...when she's drunk.
- [Regarding Nick and T-Dog] Those guys should be sterilized, and I'm not kidding at all.
- I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't fuck with people who handle your food.
- OH, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER!
- Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated, and you can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin.
- With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again.
- Women. They're so fucking wiley.
- It's like a horrible time paradox, where neither our wisdom, nor your virginity ever escape.
- [In the bathroom with Mitch, his shirt off] I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right? Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay. [Puts his shirt back on] I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and then when I'm feeling a little squirelly, but that's about the extent of it.
- And as if some kind of slut magic, POOF, you appear at my door
- All right everybody, listen up, from here on out, Mitch is a made man. Anyone who has anything different to say, Nick and T-Dog will fuckin' cut you!
- Did you see the tits at table 12?
- Foreigners! I fucking hate foreigners!
- (to Bishop, after offering her anger management counciling) You would do that for me? I appreciate that. I really do. But I think I'd rather you just WASH THE FUCKING DISHES AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! Fucking psychobabble bullshit asshole!
- What!? (to Mitch) What do you want?! Get back in the fucking training room, you ass cock! God damn these fucking cooks. I hate them...I HATE THEM! Twenty minutes for two medium rare steaks. This is bullshit! They need to get rid of everyone of these lousy cock sucking...! (She emerges from the kitchen) So how is everything?
- I hate this fucking place sometimes, you know. Why the fuck do we need four more people on at this time of day, man? Look at this place, it's fucking dead! I swear, Dan needs to clean the *shit* out of his fucking brain sometimes, man. Fucking asshole.[Sees Mitch for the first time] What are you looking at, fuck-wad?
- Bitch, what makes you think I won't cut you?
- (to Bishop) Man, fuck you, whitey!
- (To Monty) How many time I gotta tell you man, its the Fuckin T-Dog yo.
- We'll run this city like the mother-fucking mob!
- Take anything that he gives you, with a shot of penicillin.
- Unless you're combing the playground for middle schoolers, don't become an asshole like Monty.
- As if that negates the fact that once we got past foreplay, you turned into the Little Engine Who Couldn't Hold His Load.
- So, you know that weird, paranoid feeling you get when you hear people laughing and you think they're laughing at you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they actually are.
- If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.
- I can't believe how many homos we got workin' in here!
- And that is the Lincoln. Now remember you have to shave it so it looks like a beard or it doesn't count.
- Oohh, it's so veiny!
- You can't forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don't humilate them for being a fucking meatgazer, you got that?
- Stop staring at my dick!
- Well, it's official now. My penis is just for show.
- Look at the bat-wing, bitch!
- Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm going to fire you faster than you can say, "Yo, MTV Raps"!
- Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked, but did you have to eat it all BEFORE you complained about it?
- And remember: the difference between ordinary and extraordinary... is that little something extra. Alright, that's all I have for you. Have a great shift. Oh, and, uh, push the fish, it's about to turn.
- I want a single shot of whisky, and a double shot of whisky, and she'll have water. You know, what the hell. It's our anniversary. Would you bring her a Pepsi?
- I don't mean to be a bitch, but the last four times we've come here the food was awful.
- Well, I want a hot pink center.
- I think I might name my daughter after chlamydia.
- It's good in a sense that I can take walks in my underwear; I can give small children the middle finger. But as long as I look happy while I'm doing it, people just assume I'm senile.... Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me, so I really am going senile.
- Monty: Hello, Natasha. How's my favorite little minor doing today?
- Natasha: Hungover. I got so shitfaced last night.
- Monty: On a school night? Kids today.
- Monty: Hello, sir. My name is Monty, this is my trainee, Mitch. How are you doing today?
- Old man: I'm gradually slipping into senility.
- Monty: Really? [Takes a seat across from the old man] Do you consider that a good thing or a bad thing?
- Old man: Well, it's a mixed bag. It's...good in the sense that I can take walks in my underwear. I can give small children the middle finger, but as long as I look happy while I'm doing it, people just assume I'm senile.
- Monty: Yeah? So, what's the bad?
- Old man: Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me...so I really am going senile.
- Monty: Well, Alzheimer's can't be all bad: You get a chance to meet new people every day.
- Old man: [Chuckles] I like you, Monty.
- Monty: I like you too, sir.
- Old man: I like you too, Monty.
- Monty: So, what can I get you to drink?
- Old man: I trust you.
- Monty: You know what? You can count on me, sir.
- [Monty takes the drink menu and leaves with Mitch]
- Monty: I don't care how much he tips, that is the coolest old man, ever.
- Monty: [Amy returns from a tougue-lashing from The Bitch customer] Women troubles, Amy?
- Amy: I don't understand what could cause someone to act like such a bitch to a total stranger!
- Monty: Maybe she was sexually abused as a child.
- Amy: Oh God, I fucking hope so!
- Monty: Oh, Tyla, every time I see you, I wish I was a lesbian.
- Tyla: That's so interesting, because every time I see you, I'm glad I'm a lesbian.
- Monty: So, what do you think of Natasha?
- Dean: I think she's illegal.
- Monty: I know, I've made peace with that. But look at her. You just KNOW she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.
- Dean: [In Scooby-Doo voice] Ratuatory rape!
- [To the chefs in the kitchen]
- Monty: Gentlemen, we have got our first official bi-atch of the day!
- Serena: Oh, come on, guys. She wasn't THAT bad, was she?
- Monty: Well, Amy, it's your table. [Holds his thumb out horizontally] The choice is yours.
[The cooks hold their thumbs out in the same position as Monty]
- Amy: She...[Starts to give a thumbs-up, but then switches to a thumbs-down] Is a fucking bitch, DO IT!
- [Cooks laugh as they prepare to sabotage The Bitch customer's food.]
- Calvin: You really are an asshole!
- Monty: Shenaniganz!
- Calvin: Come on, guys! It's been over 30 minutes, where's my chicken sandwich?
- Floyd: Fuck you, bitch!
- Calvin: What the fuck did I ever do you, man?
- Floyd: [Picks up a piece of chicken with his tongs and sings into it] "Eat at Shenaniganz, enjoy your food! Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!"
- Calvin: Oh, yeah, that's sanitary.
- Mitch: Hey, could you turn down the music for a minute?
- Man: Hold on.
- Mitch: Would you turn the music down for a second?
- Man: Dude, chill!
- Mitch: WOULD YOU TURN DOWN [Turns off the stereo himself] THE FUCKING MUSIC!? JESUS! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! I HAVE BEEN HERE ALL GODDAMN DAY AND YOU HAVEN'T LET ME SAY ONE THING! NONE OF YOU!!
- Monty: Well, damn, Mitch I-
- Mitch: Oh no, asshole, you shut the fuck up now! It’s my turn to talk! You're all fucked in the head! All of you!
- [To Naomi]
- Mitch: I mean you! Change your fucking tampon and have another drink, you crazy fucking bitch!
- [To Dean]
- Mitch: And you! “Waaah, I don’t know what to be when I grow up”! Join the fucking Army or something! God damn!
- [To Calvin]
- Mitch: Oh, and you... You know what? You're too easy.
- [To Amy]
- Mitch: Oh and you, whining ALL GODDAMN DAY about Dean! You’re hot! Quit acting so fucking pathetic!
- [To Monty]
- Mitch: And you… FUCK YOU, MONTY! ALWAYS GOTTA BE RIGHT WITH YOUR LITTLE QUIPS! We get it man, you're fucking edgy and cool! Yeah! You're the COOLEST FUCKING GUY AT SHENANIGANZ! WHEEEEW!!! That’s like being the most smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh yeah, and why aren’t you in jail? [To Natasha] I mean, what are you? 13, 14?
- Monty: She’s almost 18...
- Mitch: You know what? Fuck this! You all suck. I quit.
- [Walks to the door and stops]
- Mitch: Oh, yeah. There is one more thing. [Points to Floyd] You. You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant and I hope you burn in Hell.
- [Everyone is looking at at Floyd]
- Floyd: Me? What-What the fuck did I do to you, man? Seriously?!
- [Mitch bends over, and as everyone looks back at Mitch, they groan and exclaim in surprise]
- Raddimus: THE GOAT! The Goat, you bastard!
- [Mitch then pulls up his pants and walks out the door]
- Mitch: Fucking faggots.
- Monty: ...That was the SHIT! [runs after Mitch] Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the fucking man.