WWE Superstars of Wrestling

WWE Superstars of Wrestling was a wrestling program that aired between Syndication and USA Network from September 6 1986 to 2001.

1986

September 6

[The Flower Shop]

Jimmy Hart: And now, here's your host of the Flower Shop, Adorable Adrian!

(Adrian Adonis comes out with Bob Orton)

Adonis: Ha ha ha ha. Welcome to the highest rated show in television today, the Flower Shop! But unfortunately, unfortunately, my guest, what the hell, Rowdy Roddy Piper. Pretty slow. He needs a weapon.

Piper: (Piper coming out with a stick) You're looking very well today. I'd say about a 34B wouldn't you? Wait, wait, wait! I did not come here to cause trouble Pinky. No, I did not come here to insult you and tell you that you look like you need the home pregnancy test. I did not come here for that. No! No sir, I came here for a reason. I've got something for you. I have here statistics of the WWF ratings and if you gentlemen and you too Adrian wouldn't mind, I would love to read them for you. We have viewers watching us right now, seven million men, six--

Adonis: The Flower Shop. Go on.

Piper: Six million women--

Adonis: Greatest show on Earth.

Piper: 3.8 million teenagers, a total of over two hundred television stations.

Adonis: The Flower Shop! The Flower Shop!

Piper: Twenty million people a week watch this.

Adonis: The Flower Shop! Come on, come on, say it!

Piper: The first thirty five minutes of the program is watched by the total audience.

Adonis: Come on, the Flower Shop! Come on! Come on!

Piper: There is something about the Flower Shop, there is. It says right here that around the thirty-five minute mark comes the Flower Shop and it has been the number one rated for constipation in the world because everybody is in the bathroom! And not only that, I got this for you! (hands a telegram to Jimmy Hart)

Adonis: Read that!

Jimmy Hart: (reading) "The World Wrestling Federation television network please advise that the Flower Shop will not be presented next week in order that we may present a return of Piper's Pit"!!!

[Adonis and Orton go berserk]

October 25

Jesse: Well you know I gotta say something though McMahon is that I talk to Koko (B. Ware) and Koko defintiely says I can call him Buckwheat.

Vince: I beg your Pardon

Jesse: Yeah he says I can call him Buckwheat I can refer to him when he wrestlers.

Vince: I don't think so.

November 22

Jesse: This is Jesse "The Body" Ventura of The World Wrestling Federation and i'm here with The Honky Tonk Man and Honky Tonk Man, the time is at hand the votes have come into The World Wrestling Federation. The big issue is do they approve you or do they disapprove you and let me tell you right now 674,983 votes we're cast Honky Tonk Man by the World Wrestling Federation.

Honky Tonk Man: Woo, that makes me feel good, i knew they love me. I knew the World Wrestling Federation people, I knew they vote for the Honky Tonk Man. I knew they still love me.

Jesse: Wait a minute, I say 674,983 votes we're cast Honky Tonk Man, BUT 71,111 fans say they like you.

Honky Tonk Man: They did what?

Jesse: 603,000 people said Honky Tonk Man, we don't dig your style, We don't like your piece of hair. Take a hike back to Memphis,Tennessee.

Honky Tonk Man: I don't think you got the figures right Jesse, that can't be true.

Jesse: It's the truth man, is sorry that it is.

Honky Tonk Man: That is it, i'm going to the World Wrestling Federation officies of that fat Jack Tunney. I'll get to the bottom of this.

Jesse: The man is upset, the Honky Tonk Man by the wishes of the fans they don't dig him. I don't think the greaseball can't handle him.

1987

January 17

[Piper's Pit; Roddy Piper walks out to where a six foot tall golden trophy is standing]

Piper: Nineteen hundred and eighty seven and I'm still alive!! In the true fashion of Piper's Pit, I have something that you can tell very prestigious and possibly the most important Pit I have ever done in my life. Obviously, we have here a presentation and to do the presentation, I would like the president of the WWF, Jack Tunney to please come out here and issue the presentation.

Jack Tunney: Thank you.

Piper: Pleasure to have you here.

Jack Tunney: Ladies and gentlemen, we are very delighted to help honor a very special man on a very special occasion. Let me read what it says on this trophy. "Three years ago this week, you captured the WWF heavyweight championship belt in a memorable battle. You are one of the greatest athletes in the history of sports. You are a champion who has raised wrestling to heights never before scaled. You are one of America's most patriotic citizens. You are loved and idolized by men, women and children of all ages. You are the single most recognizable star in the entire world. We salute you on the third anniversary of your reign. Let's all honor the one and only, Hulk Hogan!"

[Hulk Hogan comes out to accept the trophy]

Piper: It's yours!

Hogan: Unbelievable. You know, January 23rd, 1984 when I won the world title, I knew there was something special man. I knew there was some kind of electricity. But I never believed three long years down the road, thousands of people just like you would all turn into hulkamaniacs. And to receive an award for something I believe in, the training, say your prayers and eat your vitamins, to be rewarded for living this thing, this is unbelievable. This has got to be just as great as I won the world title. This has got to be just as great as the first time I saw all you hulkamaniacs. And from here, it's higher and higher we go. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[Andre the Giant comes out]

Piper: Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen, Hulk Hogan's best friend, Andre the Giant! I'm sure you've come here for congratulations and I'm sure you have something to say.

Andre: Three years to be a champion. It's a long time.

Piper: A long time yes.

[Andre gives Hogan a big handshake, squeezing Hulk's hand a bit tight]

Piper: Well, well, nice trophy, a nice trophy here. Here you go Hogan, thanks to you. World's heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan!

January 24

[Piper's Pit; Roddy Piper comes out to where another trophy is standing.]

Piper: Yeah, you can tell it's 1987 by the way I wash my hair. We have real special Pit again this week as you can see, standing to my right. We had an exceptional one last week and without further ado, I would like to again bring out the president of the WWF, Jack Tunney to present this special award. Mr. Jack Tunney.

Jack Tunney: Thank you very much Roddy. We are very pleased to honor another extraordinary WWF hero. I'll read what's on the trophy. "This man is the all time greatest athlete in the history of wrestling. This man is the only undefeated wrestler in the WWF's history. Please join me and saluting the one and only Andre the Giant!"

Piper: [As Andre comes out] In living color, Andre the Giant! This is a very special and prestigious award and you are very deservedly so. You are a tremendous athlete and I am proud to be part of giving you this award and I am sure that you must have some things to say to your many many fans.

Andre: Well, yeah. I have only one thing to say.

[Hulk Hogan comes out]

Hogan: I'm more excited about this I think than you are Andre! You know, this is about time man that they recognize the greatest athlete of all times! Not only is he undefeated man, Andre the Giant is the greatest role model. When I had to pattern myself, I wanted to be like Andre. His sense of fair play, the sportsmanship, the way all over the world he's been kind to all the little kids. Andre the Giant is number one and WWF, I'd like to thank you for recognizing in my book, the real champion of superstars all over the world, that's Andre--

[Andre decides to walk out]

Piper: I'm sure, I'm sure that-- [Sees that Andre is gone]

Hogan: That's the biggest package of modesty you'll ever see. How about it for Andre?

[Both Piper and Hogan question as to why Andre left]

January 31

[Piper's Pit; Piper has both trophies standing in front of him. Hogan's trophy is noticeably bigger than Andre's]

Piper: Look at this, this seems to be the year for awards here. My next guest here for some reason is stirring up a lot of controversy over these particular awards. I don't know why he's creating so much hassle over them. I thought the awards were given very nicely. However, my next guest, Jesse "the Body" Ventura. The Mike Wallace of professional wrestling. I'd like Jesse the Body Ventura to come out here if he wants to. [Jesse comes out] Wonderful, just wonderful to see you here. And for some reason, I know that you're a fine athlete and that you have confused a lot of people. But brother, this ain't Punky Brewster. You ain't pulling nothing over me. For some reason, you're stirring up a whole lot of stuff about these two awards for no particular reason and I for one don't understand it.

Jesse: I'm not stirring up nothing Piper. All I'm saying is this, there was a reinstatement that took place of Andre the Giant a while back. Right?

Piper: Yeah.

Jesse: Now, this reinstatement right away, it was fishy to me. I mean, Andre wasn't at it. He didn't even attend.

Piper: Have you heard him talk?

Jesse: Bobby "the Brain" Heenan was there. Now, you know, they're bitter enemies. Andre gets reinstated. Now that caused me to wonder just what is going on here? And Jesse the Body Ventura, nobody hides nothing from me, and I went out and I found out just what was going on and you can't believe what was going down. What the Body knows is going to happen.

Piper: Okay, wait a second. I am interested. Tell me what is going down?

Jesse: Well, it's like this Piper. You know when you've got a jewel, like the crown jewel? That only you have? It's like knowledge and what has happened here, it's worse than Watergate, it's worse than Irangate, it's worse than all of it. And the Body has this knowledge like the crown jewel.

Piper: What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Get to the point.

Jesse: I'm getting to the point. I know, you don't, nobody else knows and I ain't talking! Ha, ha, ha!

Piper: Wait, wait wait. That's what most of the liars, most of the people that are full of bull, that's what they say to me! That they don't want to say nothing, that they're confused. "I ain't gonna tell you!" Ohhh. come on Jesse! Tell me!

Jesse: Hey, I'll tell you what I want to talk about. I want to talk about Andre the Giant and these trophies.

Piper: What about them?

Jesse: What about them? Here's Hogan's trophy, looks about one foot bigger, don't it?

Piper: Yeah?

Jesse: Yeah, Andre's looks a foot smaller. Now you take a look at the records man! Andre the Giant, fifteen years he has never been beaten! Fifteen years. Hulk Hogan has been champion for three years and believe me, he has ducked some people.

Piper: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Well, get a load of Gertrude around here! I have fought both of them. There ain't nobody more qualified than me and nobody ain't ducking nobody around here! I know that Hogan, doggoneit, if anyone's gonna say it, I'm gonna say it. He's got this trophy. He's earned it!

Jesse: Yeah he might have. Look at this one, this one's real gold! What about this one? (Andre's) Feel that. Feels like rotten old lead or something. You know, Piper, It's obvious, both you and I have a difference of opinion here!

Piper: Yeah, it is obvious!!

Jesse: A big difference!!

Piper: Yeah, so what the hell you want me to do about it?!!

Jesse: Well, I'll tell you what Piper, there's two ways we can settle this!

Piper: What?

Jesse: The first way is you and I step into the ring!

Piper: Welllllllll!! Fine, be fair brother! [takes off his belt and shirt] You want to go now?!

Jesse: There's a second way!

Piper: Ohh, now there's a second way to settle this!

Jesse: The second way to settle this is to get the two men involved out here in a discussion! Just a discussion. And I'll tell you what, Andre the Giant owes me a favor. I will produce Andre the Giant right here next week! Can you produce Hogan?

Piper: You damn betcha man! You want em one on one? I'll get Hogan! You get Andre! Aunt Jemima, you do your best! [leaves]

February 7

[Piper's Pit]

Piper: I promised it to you this week. I ain't gonna fool around, I promised-- (Jesse Ventura grabs the mic)

Jesse: Hey, I got one thing to say Piper, my man is here. The man who I promised is here. What about you?

Piper: My man you're talking about?

Jesse: My man's here.

Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the heavyweight champion of the world, Hulk Hogan! (Hogan comes out) My man is here!

Jesse: I'm impressed and I don't impress easy. Now, for this discussion, may I present, fifteen years undefeated, the eighth wonder of the world, seven foot four, five hundred pounds, (Bobby Heenan leads Andre the Giant out) Andre-- woah! the Giant!

Hogan: Wait! What's going on here? Hold on man. What are you doing with him? You guys aren't together, come on man. Andre, what are you doing here with Heenan? What's wrong? Andre, man, you can't be here with him. Don't you know what Heenan's done to me? To these people out here since you've been gone? It can't be so! Andre, listen to me, day one when I set my eyes on you brother, you're the reason why I got in professional wrestling. You were like a god to me, a role model! You can't be here with him man! You're the one who took me all the way from nothing to the world's title! Andre, you can't be with him man.

Bobby: Let me tell you something--

Hogan: No, no, wait one minute! You're the one who taught me man about respect for the fans, about helping the kids. You're the one who taught me good sportsmanship. You set the mold for me to follow man! What are you doing here with him?

Bobby: I'll tell you what he's doing here with me. He's sick and tired of you and what you stand for! Let me tell you something Hogan, you're the one that for three years as world's champion used this man! You're also the varmint that made this man tick! I can't tell you what they think of! You used this man! They gave him a trophy, but no that wasn't good enough. It was a lower trophy than yours. But you had to walk out and steal that moment! You're so jealous of this man, you can't stand it! This is the man for fifteen years that is undefeated! But did you ever once--

Hogan: No man, you're wrong! You're wrong, you're wrong! The day when I won the world title, he poured champagne over my head! It was like a bond of friendship. You're wrong Heenan!

Bobby: Did you ever once, once in your life offer him a championship match? You laughed behind his back!

Hogan: No Andre! Listen, it's not happening! Tell me it's not so man! Even you came here with him, you don't have to leave with him! (places his hands on Andre) It's not happening!

Andre: Take your hands off my shoulders!

Bobby: He's got one more thing to say to you Hogan!

Andre: Look at me when I'm talking to you! I'm here for one reason, to challenge you for the world championship match in WrestleMania!

Hogan: Andre, please no it's not happening man. We're friends! We're friends Andre, please!

Bobby: You can't believe it? Maybe you'll believe this Hogan!

[Andre tears the t-shirt and cross off of Hogan and throws it to the ground, then leaves with Bobby and Jesse]

Hogan: Andre, what are you doing man? You can't leave like this man! What are you doing Andre? You can't, my cross, the shirt! What's wrong with him man? He can't leave like this!

Piper: You're bleeding.

Hogan: It's not, Andre come back man! You don't have to leave like this! What has he done?

Piper: You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Come. Come.

February 14

[Piper's Pit]

Piper: Are you people half as confused as I am? You're doggone right. Three weeks ago, we came on, the beginning of 1987 and presented an award for Hulk Hogan, who has managed to be the World Heavyweight Champion for three years in a row. He deserved it. The next week we come out, we give another nice award to Andre the Giant, for fifteen years of pro wrestling without a defeat. The next week, yes, the next week, Gravel Gertie, the Aunt Jemima of professional wrestling, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, comes out, and he starts stirring up all kinds of stuff. I don't know what's going on, so the next week comes on, you folks saw it, we got Andre, we got Hulk Hogan, the world's champion. Next thing I know, Andre the Giant is tearing the clothes off the World Heavyweight Champion, and if that don't beat all, if that don't beat all, he says...

Andre: [in flashback] I'm here for one reason, to challenge you for a world championship match in WrestleMania!

Piper: Ain't that the damnedest thing? So I follow Hogan out. I followed Hogan to his dressing room, I go to the dressing room, I'm serious, I go to the dressing room, he's sitting down like this, I've never seen him like this before, man. He's sitting down, he's got his head down, and I said "Hey, Hogan, what's wrong with Andre?" And Hogan just kinda looked up at me and I looked at him and his eyes were all kinda steamy, and his eyes, and he put his head back down, between his legs, I said, "Hogan, what's wrong?" And he just kinda goes like this to me [swats his hand away] Then I said, "All kinds of people have been asking me questions." I said, "There's only one man in the world that can tell us if he's gonna accept this challenge or not." But wait, wait, I saw Hogan in the hallway, I said "Hogan are you coming on the Pit? There'll be nobody else there..."

[Hulk Hogan slowly makes his way to the pit holding his torn shirt and cross]

Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, the World Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan! Yo, yo, look at me. Look at me in the eye. Hulk, I don't understand something, man. Look at me in the eye, please. What's going on with Andre? Please, look me in the eye. I've always known you to be a man at least. Look me in the eye and tell me what's going on with Andre. We want to know!

Hogan: You don't understand man. I worshipped the guy. He was like a friend, man. Everything he was, I wanted to be like him. I watched him on nationwide TV. That's the reason I'm here!

Piper: Wait a second, I thought he's your best friend.

Hogan: I thought so. I thought so, man. Like I said, that's why I'm here. I patterned my whole life after him, man. The courtesy, the way he treated people in and out of the ring man. The way he was a good sport, brother. That's what I wanted. No, no, no. I knew I couldn't be as big as him man. I wanted to be just like him. I watched him move, man. I watched him treat people.

Piper: Treating people? Ripping clothes off is not my idea of treating people right.

Hogan: When I saw him with Heenan, you're right, man, I knew it changed. I knew he was a different man. I knew Heenan had got to him. I knew something was different. We used to fight for the same things, we used to fight because we believed in the straight and narrow. When I saw him with Heenan, I don't know if it was jealousy, greed, the money, something had gotten to him. But when he pulled this shirt, man, when he ripped the cross off my chest, he didn't just tear it off, he dug in and tore my heart out, man. Why didn't you just take a stake and drive it in my heart Andre? You know something? Now that he's with Heenan, it's all changed, man! He's different!

Piper: Tell me, yes or no, are you or are you not gonna fight him at WrestleMania III for the world's heavyweight championship? Yes or no?

Hogan: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

February 28

[It's the contract signing between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant for WrestleMania III]

Mean Gene: [after some discussion with everyone] Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We are here for the most auspicious signing for any title match in history as you all know. Let me introduce just for the record some of the dignitaries who are with us at this time for this historic event. First of all, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan representing the challenger, the eighth wonder of the world from Grenoble France, Andre the Giant. To my right, the heavyweight champion of the world from Venice Beach, California, Hulk Hogan and to my immediate left, the distinguished president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. Jack Tunney. Mr. Tunney, get on with the proceedings.

Jack Tunney: Would you please sign on the dotted line Mr. Roussimoff?

Bobby: Woah, woah, woah, slow down here Mr. Tunney, Mr. president. A few things I want to go over with you first. When we had a discussion about this championship belt, I want a new championship belt.

Jack Tunney: That's agreed.

Bobby: This one was made and designed for this human being and I use that term very very loosely. I want one made that will fit a man. Fit a giant of a man. Somebody that can represent the world of professional wrestling, not this man. [tosses the title aside] And another thing, I just want you to get something straight Hogan. Fifteen years, this man's gone undefeated. The three years you've been world's champion, you've talked behind his back! You've laughed at him! You never gave this man once an opportunity! Now, he's got that opportuni--

Hogan: [pounds table] SIGN IT IF YOU'RE GONNA SIGN IT!!

[Andre signs the contract]

Jack Tunney: Will you sign under his name Mr. Hogan?

Hogan: I've signed a lot of things. Signed a lot of contracts, I never thought it would come to this. I thought it was you (Bobby) man! But it's both of you, you're both sick! You're both sick! If you had wanted a title shot, all you had to do was ask me. I'd a gave you anything man. Andre, you were bigger than the world title to me! Yeah, I'll sign it and I'll get your attention too at WrestleMania. When you tore my shirt off man, when you tore the cross, you tore the heart and soul out of all the little Hulksters man! Not just me! We're gonna get your attention man! We're gonna get your attention!

Andre: Now that you signed that contract, you think I told you everything I know in professional wrestling? But I didn't and believe me, WrestleMania III will be your last lesson. Et ça va vraiment me faire plaisir de le faire, crois-moi. Parce que pour la dernière fois...

Hogan: Speak to me in English when you talk to me! As far as I'm concerned, it's not signed in ink, it's signed in blood!

Andre: If you want me to speak in English, I will speak in the ring at WrestleMania. Au Revior.

July 11

Lanny Poffo:

Just a look at Luscious Johnny V

You know why he's a flop

His dream team has to pay his due

At Beefcake's Barber Shop.

August 15

Vince: Wait a minute, the Islanders are in the ring. They're going to work on Him, Haku and Tama hammering away on Rick Martel.

Jesse: Right where Martel needs a partner, he ain't got one.

Vince: Martel getting whipped from post to post. Setting up look at that manuever. Haku and Tama of the Islanders.

Jesse: Beautiful teaming right there, beautiful.

(crowd began to cheer as Tito Santana headed to the ring to make a save)

Vince: That's Tito Santana

Jesse: What is this?

Vince: Santana hammering away on the Islanders.

Jesse: This is disrespectful, I've never seen so despicable since when Bruno (Sammartino) attacked The Macho Man (Randy Savage).

August 22

Craig DeGeorge: All right ladies and gentlemen. With me at this time, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. Mr. Heenan, I must say you've been skeptical. Last week, you promised that you were going to produce Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff here and I truly want to compliment you.

Bobby: Let me tell you something, I don't lie. If I say I'm going to have something here, I've got something here. I want to prove to you like I've said before that Mr. Wonderful will admit to you about Ravishing Rick Rude's body. He will admit that he is glad to have him in the family. Mr. Wonderful, please come on up here!

[Paul Orndorff comes up to the platform]

Craig DeGeorge: Well, here he comes, we will indeed get the word from Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff.

Bobby: Mr. Wonderful, I want you to tell the people and set the record straight how glad you are that Ravishing Rick Rude is in the Bobby Heenan Family and that he has the greatest physique in the family, in wrestling, in sports today!

Craig DeGeorge: Orndorff?

Paul: You really want to know?

Bobby: You tell him how you really welcome him with open arms, how you are blessed that I have him in the family. I've got Bam Bam Bigelow just about signed. Everything's going our way and how you approved of everything.

Paul: You really want to know?

Bobby: You tell the humanoids about Rick Rude's body. That he's got the best body. You've got a great body but his is like that much better. You tell them.

Paul: You REALLY want to know?

Bobby: I want to know.

Paul: Hold on. Well I'm going to tell you what I think. First of all, Rick Rude does not have a better body than Mr. Wonderful! [takes off his robe] No!

Bobby: No, no, tell them what you told me.

Paul: And second of all, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired of lying to you, and lying to those people,...

Bobby: Come on, get a hold of yourself!

Paul:...and lying to myself!

Bobby: Paul, I made you a star! I made you what you are today!

Paul: You made me nothing but misery! Misery!

Bobby: What about the family, Paul?!

Paul: What about the family? I'm going to tell what I think of Rick Rude and the Bobby Heenan family! [spits] That's what I think! And I'm going to tell you something else! I'm going to tell you something else that you've heard before, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Hey, in case you didn't understand, read my lips, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Bobby: Get a hold of yourself!

Paul: And I'm going to tell you something else, I'm going to introduce to you my new manager, Oliver Humperdink!!!!

[Oliver Humperdink comes out and hugs Orndorff]

Bobby: Paul, you don't know what you're doing!

Craig DeGeorge: The new manager of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, Oliver Humperdink! That's certainly a damaging blow to the stability of the Heenan Family!

November 28

Craig DeGeorge: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my guests. First, the bodyguard Virgil, and of course, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. Yes, Mr. DiBiase, a man who's been trying to prove to us that everyone has a price.

Ted: Well, I would guess by now that all of you would have started to believe, believe what I've been trying to tell you since I came to the World Wrestling Federation. Believe that indeed, each and every one of you does have a price for the Million Dollar Man. I've proved it to you week after week after week. You say how? You've seen clumsy little kids try to dribble basketballs for some of my money; you've seen stupid, uncoordinated little kids trying to do just ten push-ups for some of my money; you've seen women get down on their hands and knees and bark like a dog for some of my money. You've even seen people get in the ring, get down on their hands and knees, and kiss my stinking, sweaty feet for some of my money. Why, I've even bought the producer of this television show; he didn't come cheap, but he had his price.

Now, what does that tell you? I'll tell you what it tells the Million Dollar Man: that everybody, yes, everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Now, you know who "everybody" is?

Craig DeGeorge: Everybody's everybody.

Ted: Everybody is every man, woman, and child in this arena! Every one of you has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Everybody is you, all you people at home enjoying watching the Million Dollar Man on television. Every one of you has a price for me. And you know who else "everybody" is?

Craig DeGeorge: What do you mean "who else"? Everybody's ev...everybody's everybody.

Ted: Wrong. Everybody's not everybody. Everybody is, now read my lips...Hulk Hogan.

Craig DeGeorge: Hulk Hogan?! What are you trying to say, Hulk Hogan?!

Ted: What am I trying to say? I'll tell you what I'm trying to say. Everybody, nobody excluded, everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. And over the next several weeks, I'm going to prove it to you in the biggest way I know how. I'm going to buy the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Championship! That's right, baby! It's gonna be mine! Lock, stock, and barrel!

December 19

Craig DeGeorge: Ladies and gentlemen, indeed for weeks, the suspense has been building. As we've heard from Ted Dibiase time and time again, he says everyone has a price. Recently, he says that everyone includes the World Wrestling Federation Heayvweight Champion Hulk Hogan. Right now, let us end all of our speculations. Please welcome the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan!!

Vince: The Hulkster on his way to deliver the message. And I know Jesse, your ears are very keenly awaiting the results.

Jesse: He's nodding yes already!

Craig DeGeorge: Champ, your comments please.

Hulk Hogan: Well you know, thinking about money 24 hours a day can make you a little goofy you know. I thought about how it would turn my life around if I had all the money I wanted, it would change me completely. I could have a new car in every garage. I could take care of my family the way I want it to. Accepting the offer from the Millon Dollar Man? Oh yeah, it would make this possible. I could do all that and more. New cars, family would be set up. I'd never have to fight for anything again. Accepting the offer from the Million Dollar Man would also change a few other things. All those little teeny Hulksters that would physically aren't as capable as me, I would help them out. All those little teeny Hulksters that mentally aren't right on the money, we could help them out. But oh yeah man. Accepting the mega offer from the Multi-Million Dollar Man would change my life completely. [removes the title from his waist] Thinking about that, thinking about all the little Hulksters, thinking about all the money we could have, how easy it would be. On behalf of all the little Hulksters and myself, I'm going to have to tell the Million Dollar Man.........HELL NOOOOOOOOO!!! Ted Dibiase, if you want to try to have the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Title, come and try and get it!!

Vince: All right, what about it, Jesse Ventura? Hulk Hogan does not have his price for the Millon Dollar Man!

Jesse: I tell you what I think about this, he's a fool! I think he made a total mistake. The man could've retired, did it honorably, been a multi-millionaire, and lived happily ever after. I think he's a fool and he made the wrong choice.

1988

February 13

Jack Tunney: February 5th, 1988, will go down in World Wrestling Federation history as a day of infamy. Never before has there been such controversy to surround a World Wrestling Federation Championship match. Despite having viewed, time and again, the videotape of the Hogan/Andre match, the decision of the referee is, as always, unfortunately final. Therefore, Hulk Hogan is not the World Wrestling Federation Champion.

However, it clearly states in the rulebook that in order for a wrestler to be deemed the Champion, he must either pin the reigning titleholder or make him submit. That is the only way a wrestler can become Champion. Therefore, unequivocably [sic], I can state that Ted DiBiase is also not the World Wrestling Federation Champion.

Furthermore, it also clearly states in the rulebook that a reigning Champion may, at any time in his tenure, end his reign by publicly surrendering the title, which is exactly what happened when Andre the Giant presented the Championship belt to Ted DiBiase. Therefore, Andre is also not the Champion either.

It is my decision that, to be fair to the last two reigning Champions of record, Hogan and Andre, and to furthermore be fair to the #1 contenders who would have faced either Andre or Hogan as Champion, I now declare the title vacant, and this vacancy to be filled on March 27th of this year during WrestleMania IV in the form of the first ever World Wrestling Federation Championship tournament.

October 8

[The Brother Love Show]

Brother Love: Thank you! You know, in order to love, you must have a big brain. And speaking of brains, my guest this week is the biggest brain of the World Wrestling Federation. Please welcome my dear close personal friend, Brother Brain Bobby Heenan.

Vince: These two guys were made for each other.

Jesse: Why do you say that?

Brother Love: Welcome, Brother Brain.

Bobby: Thank you very very much. You know, I am just full of love. It's just bubbling out of me right now because you see, there's been some changes in the Bobby Heenan family. I'm going to increase the size of the Bobby Heenan family. What I'm going to do in the weeks and months to come is add new members. New members and do the most I can to spread love. And at this particular point in time, I am going to bring up a gentleman. Now this gentleman is the newest member of the Bobby Heenan family. Now, he's limited when it comes to wrestling, he's limited when it comes to size, he's limited when it comes to a won and loss record, but I'm going to make this man the next big superstar in the world of professional wrestling. And if the gentleman can come out right now, his name is Mr. Terry Taylor.

[Taylor comes out to shake the hands of Heenan and Brother Love]

Terry Taylor: Thank you Brother Love, it's a pleasure to be here.

Bobby: Now as you can see, the man is limited when it comes to size.

Terry Taylor: I'm not too small. I'm alright. About the right size.

Bobby: But you're not big like Andre the Giant.

Terry Taylor: Nope, it's true. It's true.

Bobby: And he's limited when it comes to being muscular.

Terry Taylor: I'm pretty muscular at 240 pounds.

Bobby: But you're not cut up, you're not that strong like Ravishing Rick Rude.

Terry Taylor: That's true.

Bobby: And you don't possess the ability of martial arts like the great King Haku.

Terry Taylor: That's true, but I'm a pretty good wrestler on my own.

Bobby: But you're going to become better, and I don't know how much pain you can endure, what your threshold is, which is limited. I mean, your won and loss record isn't that great.

Terry Taylor: Well, I haven't lost 'em all!

Bobby: But you haven't won 'em all.

Terry Taylor: That's true Brain, that's true.

Bobby: And I am going to take you to the top of this great sport of professional wrestling. Because you see, as limited as you are, by not being that muscular, by not having a great great gift at this sport of wrestling. There is one thing though. One thing, one added factor, one ingredient that will make you a superstar, that will make you a great star and that is me! Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. So I suggest you follow me young man, follow me to stardom!

Brother Love: Now just how much love can one man have? Look at Brother Brain continuing to spread love! I loooove you! I looove you!

Vince: Will this guy ever stop smiling?

Jesse: He's a happy guy.

Vince: And you say he's sincere. We'll be right back.

1989

April 8

The Genius: I am the Genius, Lanny Poffo. That means an awful lot.

Not only can I prove I am, but you can't prove I'm not.

I speak eleven languages. Escucha por favor.

Santana comes from Mexico, yo hablo mas mejor.

The French I speak is magnifique, they told me in Paree.

My Italian's molto bene; I learned when I was three.

I speak Latin, Greek, and Russian, Hebrew and Portuguese.

I speak Swedish and Norwegian, and I'm learning Japanese.

Aside from my intelligence, I'm cunning as a rat.

And I shall put these attributes to use upon the mat.

I remind the competition and every wrestling fan

Behold, the Genius Lanny Poffo: the world's smartest man!

September 30

The Genius: Behold this humble entourage. Their heads are bowed in reverence at the very slightest whisper of one name.

Exalting in his splendor, which is altogether fitting of the people and the land from whence he came.

False monarchies are commonplace as kingdoms rise and fall. But I, the Genius, full of glory and reknown,

Say the Macho Man is everything that everybody, everywhere would ever, ever want to wear a crown.

I say this king deserves a queen beside him on the throne, and Sherri is the fairest in the land.

Nobody else is worthy of this monumental honor and regal splendor of his royal hand.

We witnessed the dethroning of one Jim "The Hacksaw" Duggan, whose crown and throne are in a state of ravage.

I now remove my mortarboard and place it near my heart, and thus proclaim you Macho King Randy Savage.

Vince: Macho King!

Jesse: And Queen Sherri.

Vince: [as Mr. Perfect puts a royal robe on Savage] Look at this. Look at that robe.

Jesse: And it says "King" on the back.

Vince: Wonder if the King's gonna share a few words with us.

Ted DiBiase: Wait a minute. The Million Dollar Man has a gift. A gift worthy only of a king. So to you, the newly crowned Macho King Randy Savage, I give you this gift a king should never be without. This golden scepter. Solid golden scepter.

Jesse: Looking at those two right now, you know who they remind me of? Two of my best friends: Harry and Leona Helmsley!

1990

February 3

[Ted DiBiase, Slick and the Big Boss Man have left Jake "The Snake" Roberts handcuffed to the ring ropes, taking Jake's bag, which contains Damian and the Million Dollar Belt to the Brother Love Show.]

Brother Love: My, my, my, what do we have here?!

Ted DiBiase: What we have here, Brother Love, is another shining example of what I've said time after time after time. There's nothing in this world that the Million Dollar Man's money cannot buy. Everything I want, I get; everything I pay for is delivered to me; and a long time ago, I bought and paid for the most beautiful championship belt ever created. $1 million worth of the purest gold and diamonds that you've ever laid eyes on. And you, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, you have the gall to stick your slithering, slimy hands on my belt, on my property, and stole something that didn't belong to you. And what do you do, Brother Love, when you're dealing with a thief? You go get the police! [Boss Man laughs...] And I went out and I bought [...then stops] the best police protection that money can buy. That's right, and I'd like to thank you, Slick, right here publicly for a job well done. You were very well paid, and the services were rendered; [to Boss Man] and you were very well paid, now it's time to deliver.

Big Boss Man: Wait a minute. What's this about money? What's this about a payoff?

Slick: Wait a minute, brotha! I wouldn't call it a payoff. Let's just say Mr. DiBiase has given us a small token of his esteem. Let's just say a little donation.

Big Boss Man: "Donation"?! It doesn't sound like a donation to me! You told me I was gonna go out and retrieve stolen property; you didn't say nothin' about no payoff!

Ted: Wait a minute! What's going on here, Slick? Let me tell you something. I bought and paid for your services, now it's time to deliver. Boss Man, you have been paid, now it's time to deliver the goods! So stick your hand in the bag and pull out my belt and give it to me!

Big Boss Man: Well, wait a minute, you fat-faced punk! Nobody tells the Big Boss Man what to do!

Ted: Let me tell you something, Boss Man. It's not the money, because any man with any brains would not refuse the kind of money I'm giving you. What it is is you're just plain scared. You're just afraid to stick your hand in that bag and get my belt. So if you're scared, just say you're scared.

Big Boss Man: Look in my eyes, boy! Do I look like a man that's scared of anything?! Well, let me tell you something. I'm not scared of any beast, man or life, and I especially ain't scared of you! I'll tell you what, boy. I'm gonna show you what "scared" is; I'm gonna show what afraid.

[Reaches into the bag...]

Vince: What's he doing? He's going into the bag! Big Boss Man is going in the bag. He has the Million Dollar Belt

Big Boss Man: This is what your money bought and paid for. Well, if you want it, you're gonna have to get it the old-fashioned way—you're gonna have to earn it!

[Boss Man stuffs the belt back into the bag]

Ted: What?! Slick, what's he doing?!

Big Boss Man: I may be a lot of things, boy, but I can't be bought, and I sure ain't no thief!

February 17

Hulk: Thank God, Hulkamaniacs! The first thing we have to do is thank Jack Tunney for expressing his executive privilege so quickly in putting the Ultimate Challenge together for WrestleMania VI! The last two weeks, Hulkamaniacs, have been like burning with the devil, brother. Everywhere I go, the little Hulksters wanna know, "Hulk Hogan, are we still the strongest force in the universe? Hulk Hogan, look at the veins of the Ultimate Warrior, look at his body, look at his eyes. Can we handle him?"

Thank God, Jack Tunney, you answered our dreams, brother. Me and all the Hulkamaniacs want this burden off our backs. We wanna know who really is the strongest force in the WWF. You know, Maniacs, this whole thing just doesn't seem real, man. It doesn't seem real. As I flipped through the pages of the WWF Magazine, and I see the Warrior's body, the veins, the hoses, the intensity. The guy just doesn't look real. And then when I think about the dude carrying the gods out on his shoulder into the darkness, the way he takes his opponents into the unknown, that just doesn't seem real.

But deep down in my heart, Hulkamaniacs, the training, the prayers, and the vitamins, everything we believe and stand for, in my heart, I can't believe that the darkness and the gods this brother talks about can beat us. That's why, Jack Tunney, if you'll let us, we'll also put the WWF Title on the line. We're not afraid to find out what the strongest force in the universe is. Ultimate Warrior, I fought for my dreams, in my nightmares, what would happen if you put me over your shoulders and tried to carry Hulk Hogan into the darkness. And then I realized, Warrior, with millions of Hulkamaniacs on my back, there's no way you could even budge us. But on the shoulders of the Hulkster, brother, there's an empty seat, Jack; and after WrestleMania VI, Ultimate Warrior, when you feel the power of Hulkamania, when you realize what the strongest force in the universe really is, I'm gonna put you in that seat, brother, and you'll be the #1 Hulkamaniac.

When you live by the sword, Warrior, you die by the sword, brother; and when you live by the war, I'm gonna wipe you out in this one, brother. What you gonna do when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroy you?!

Ultimate Warrior: ...with intensity as we prepare to deliver to YOU, HULK HOGAN. You have walked into a frustration like the normals that have traveled before us. There were great warriors, Hulk Hogan. There were warriors that made similar sacrifices, injected themselves with the poison of mankind, knowing that they would give it all, everything they had. The armies that followed them, the believers with no film over their eyes, they believed, Hulk Hogan, that the chance of one last battle was worth losing it all! You, Hulk Hogan, know belts, rules, regulations, normal things that normal people adhere to, mean nothing to me and the pack of Warriors that ride my back. You, Hulk Hogan, do not believe it is real. You, Hulk Hogan, have already made a mistake, for I, Hulk Hogan, am what made you breathe. I am the one that fed you with the life and the intensity so that the Hulkamaniacs can continue to feel the fury. For it was written, Hulk Hogan, that the Ultimate Warrior would come. And you, Hulk Hogan, you stood in the pathway. You stood in the pathway, Hulk Hogan. The deeper I went to the darkness, the closer I came to the light, and in that light, Hulk Hogan, there was a shadow! A man that had walls, walls in himself, not willing to give it all!

Hulk Hogan, I am reality! I am the frustration that your mankind has swept under the carpet for years! But Hulk Hogan, I've creeped out like a slime! I have been deeper than the devil you speak of, Hulk Hogan, and if I ever run into this devil, Hulk Hogan, then will be the time and place for him.

But at WrestleMania VI, Hulk Hogan, I bring you the Ultimate Warrior! I bring you the Ultimate Challenge! I bring you, Hulk Hogan, ultimate reality.

March 10

Hogan: Hulkamaniacs, when I said that WrestleMania VI was more intense than all five WrestleManias put together, I meant it, brothers! Every workout that I train is more intense! The pressure on my back is more intense than ever before! And every minute that I try to sleep, my heart pounds like a drum! I feel Hulkamania's in danger right now, Hulkamaniacs. This is the ultimate test of all times. And when I get in danger, I go back to my roots, I go back to the instincts. That's why I went back to Gold's Gym in Venice Beach, California. The Power Pit. That's when I went to the magic mirror, and I said, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, is the Ultimate Warrior the one that's going to make the Hulkster rise and fall?"

Usually, I do not get a clear-cut answer, Hulkamaniacs. But this time, the magic mirror looked at me and said, "understand the natural balance in nature. You understand the food chain. You'll know if it happens. You'll know if it comes."

All of the sudden, Hulkamaniacs, I started getting worried. The mirror faded out. There were no more answers. That's when I realized that WrestleMania VI was the most important day for the rest of our lives because this will predict the future! Ultimate Warrior, if you're that teeny little Hulkamaniac that has trained and said his prayers and eaten his vitamins and finally rose to the #1 contender position, I don't recognize you, brother! Maybe that's why you wore the war paint, maybe that's why you cover your face, so I won't know who you are. But as we get into WrestleMania VI, and you feel the power of the largest arms in the world, and as I wipe that war paint off your face, Ultimate Warrior, if I realize that you are the new chosen one, I have an obligation to my Hulkamaniacs to fight with everything in my heart! My heart is strong like a lion, my arms are like the redwood trees in the forest, I have no faults, my thoughts, my mind, my soul is pure!

But Ultimate Warrior, it has been written, it has been said, and it shall be done at WrestleMania VI. And if I find out that you're the one that has to walk for eternity in my shoes, brother, let it be! But you got to prove to me, by beating me, and all my little Hulkamaniacs that you are the Ultimate Hulkamaniac! And if you're not, what you gonna do when the largest arms in the world run wild on you?!

Ultimate Warrior: I, Hulk Hogan, have a question...to answer your question. As you, Hulk Hogan, travel to...WrestleMania...by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize all that is left is total self-destruction, do you, Hulk Hogan, show self-pity? DO YOU, Hulk Hogan, try to reason why? Do you, Hulk Hogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you?

Or do you, Hulk Hogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down. Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face the challenge. Dispose of them, Hulk Hogan. Assume the controls, Hulk Hogan. Shove that control into a nosedive, Hulk Hogan! Push yourself to total self-dstruction. As you realize, Hulk Hogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it, Warriors. Do you, Hulk Hogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Hulk Hogan, face the challenge that may be more powerful than even you are, Hulk Hogan!

You, Hulk Hogan, must self-destruct so that you will know, Hulk Hogan, who is...The Chosen One. FOR HULK HOGAN, I am not the Chosen One...that you speak of. I am not. I, Hulk Hogan, am...the only...one.

May 19

Mr. Perfect: Not only do you now have a perfect World Wrestling Intercontinental Champion, but I would like to introduce my new manager, the perfect manager, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!

October 27

Mean Gene: This week, President Jack Tunney made a statement regarding recent comments made by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude. Here's Mr. Tunney.

Jack Tunney: In light of the insidious and inflammatory remarks and unmentionable actions of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude, it is my decision as World Wrestling Federation President to indefinitely suspend Rick Rude from active participation in the WWF. It is furthermore my decision to censor Bobby Heenan from any and all remarks directed toward the Big Bossman's mother. In addition, Bobby Heenan must fulfill all of Rick Rude's single match obligations against the Big Bossman. Failure to comply with this order will resort in a lifetime suspension.

Mean Gene: Now then, on the heels of that proclamation from Jack Tunney, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan had this to say.

Bobby Heenan: I think there's something here you have to understand Mr. Tunney. Mr. Tunney, I didn't mean anything I said. It was a joke. I just made it out of a levity. I didn't mean anything about the Bossman's...she's a lovely woman, a wonderful woman. She doesn't look her age. But he should be proud to have a mother like her like that. I would be proud if she was my mother. But I can't get in the ring with the him. You don't understand, he doesn't want to wrestle me. He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me!

Mean Gene: Was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan sincere? You be the judge. We're going to play the very same cut you've just seen but unbeknownst to Bobby Heenan, our Update cameras continues to roll. Take a look at the very tail end and look at the reaction of Bobby Heenan.

Bobby Heenan...He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me! [walks away trying to control his laughter]

Mean Gene Quite obviously, Mr. Heenan not all that sincere. I'm very sincere when I say Ravishing Rick Rude is out, Bobby Heenan you're in, in to face the Big Bossman. In for what? Well you're the Brain, Bobby Heenan. You figure it out.

December 15

Brother Love: Behold, brothers and sisters! Behold, for the end is near! The tombstone is on the way! And the epitaph always reads the same.

Undertaker: "Here lies another opponent of Kane the Undertaker."

1991

February 16

[The Undertaker is a guest on the Brother Love Show]

Brother Love: You see, brothers and sisters, the man who stands before you now is a man who requires love 24 hours a day! And Brother Love is unfortunately is a little bit too busy, what with bringing you my message of love every week, to give the Undertaker the management and the love that he deserves! So this week, I will present to you a man whose services I have obtained to guide the career of the Undertaker! And right now, I would like to present to you Brother Bearer! [A morose-looking man enters the show] Welcome, Brother Bearer. Now, Brother Bearer, what is your first name?

Paul Bearer: Paul.

Brother Love: Paul Bearer! What better man to guide the career of the Undertaker than Brother Paul Bearer! [Brother Love looks around frantically] Why, brothers and sisters, I...I've just had a vision! I've just had a vision! I just saw, at WrestleMania, the Macho King Randy Savage defeating the Ultimate Warrior and ending his career! But Brother Ultimate, do not worry! Because as your career ends, right there will be Brother Macho King, Brother Undertaker, Brother Love, and Brother Paul Bearer. And as the casket lowers into the ground, and your career ends, and the last pieces of dirt are sprinkled on your casket, Brother Bearer will have these last words of wisdom.

Paul Bearer: Ultimate Warrior, may you rest in peace.

June 15

[Mr. Perfect is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]

Mr. Perfect: Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.

Paul Bearer: Did you say, "former"?

Mr. Perfect: Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Vince: Oh, my goodness.

Vince and Roddy: His former manager?

Vince: What is going on here, folks?

Bobby: Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as a enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.

Mr. Perfect: And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.

Vince: [as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.

Coach: Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.

Bobby: Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!

June 22

Rowdy Roddy Piper: You know what they say. If you can't do, teach; you can't teach, manage; you can't manage, coach. And if you can't do any of them, own, Vincent.

July 27

[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]

Jake: When Damian was taken from me from [sic] the Earthquake, yes, I felt Death's ugly hand reach down and grab part of my soul. But that's a price the Earthquake must pay. But should Death ever come looking for me and knock upon my door, Mr. Paul Bearer, I will jerk that door open, look into his eyes, and I will spit in it, because I have something that rests upon my shoulder that will not let me fear Death.

Paul Bearer: Oh, Mr. Roberts, you're talking about your snake, aren't you?

Jake: No. I'm talking about Lucifer himself, the same one that rests upon your shoulder.

Paul Bearer: Oh, I've always had my suspicions about you. But you know and I know that every man, on his final walk to his resting place, must face the Undertaker. Even you, Jake Roberts.

Jake: The way I see it, the Undertaker, at this moment, has his hands very full.

Paul Bearer: Oh, but if you're talking about the Ultimate Warrior, that's no problem at all. We're just stringing him along 'til it's time to drop him in his final resting place.

Jake: Let me ask you this. How would you feel, and how would the Undertaker feel, if I shared the secrets of the darkness, and I shared the secrets of this cold, black heart, and the secrets of the Undertaker himself, with the Ultimate Warrior?

Paul Bearer: [scared] No, no, Mr. Roberts, you can't do that. You can't do that. Would you?

Jake: Would I? Yes, I would. And all that the Ultimate Warrior must do to understand the darkness and the cold, is to release, release all those fears of death. And secondly, he must do something that neither you or the Undertaker could ever do. And that's simply...trust me. Trust me, Warrior.

August 10

Bobby: What I'm holding here is the belt that belongs to the real world's champion. Oh, no, not Hulk Hogan. Presently, the man that owns this belt is under contract to another organization. But in the future, he may be arriving in the World Wrestling Federation. If so, it would be my honor and privilege to be the advisor of this man. Now, you wanna compare this belt to Hulk Hogan's? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You wanna compare the man that wears this belt to Hulk Hogan? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You see, Hulk Hogan is the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The man that owns this belt is the real champion: Ric Flair.

August 17

Bobby: Well, the big noise you heard last week was not a sonic boom; it was everyone's jaw dropping when they heard the news that Ric Flair may be heading to the World Wrestling Federation, and I just might become his advisor. And Hogan, you should be a little concerned. You should be extremely concerned because you know it, I know it, and everyone knows that this belt belongs to the real world's champion: Ric Flair!

August 24

Jake: Let me relay a little story to you, so maybe you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. Once upon a time, there was a little rabbit hopping down the trail. And he looks out on the roadway, and a snake had been crushed by a car. Nearly dead, but not quite. And the rabbit hopped out, and he looked down at the snake, and he said, "Snake, I know you're hurt badly, and I'm gonna take you back to my den and help you, and I'm gonna nurse you back to health."

And the snake said, "oh, no, you can't do that. I'm a snake. I'm a snake, you can't do that."

"No, but I'm gonna make you my friend, Mr. Snake." So he did. And he carried that snake back to his den. He put him in his den, and slowly, but surely, he did nurse him back to health, just like the rabbit said he would. Then one day, the rabbit went out for a walk, for a little more water for the snake. He came back, the snake was gone. He turned around, and there was the snake in front of him! And the snake said, "Mr. Rabbit, I am going to eat you."

And the rabbit said, "oh, no, I'm your friend."

And the snake said, "in the very beginning, I told you I was a snake." And you, Ultimate Warrior, have to be the biggest, dumbest rabbit I've ever seen!

September 28

[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]

Paul Bearer: Oh, Mr. Roberts, I've always had my suspicions about you, but now I realize we've been on the same side all along.

Jake: [wearing a black leather glove on one hand holding a cobra, periodically smacking it with the other] You know, Paul Bearer, life is tough, man. When you head down that long road, you gotta make a choice when you get to the fork in that road—whether you go the right way, or you go the other way, it's up to you. Well, I made that choice a long time ago, and I went the other way—my way. I can create my own rules, I can live life the way I want to.

Now, for those kids sitting at home listening to your mother and your father tell you, all you got to do is eat your vitamins and grow up and have children and live happily ever after, it's a lie. It's a lie. 'Cause what you've got to do is, every time you make a choice, it can be right or it can be wrong. What was the noise in the closet that night? What was that? What was that you heard behind you in that dark alley? Huh, was it me? What about when you put your feet off the bed? What was it? Did something grab a hold of ya? Remember that every time you turn your back, it can be someone just like me, waiting for you.

Now, you're wondering, why the glove? The glove will become a big part of me. When you carry a cobra, you have to be protected at all times. So whenever I step in that ring, this cobra will be in that corner, and so will this glove so I can handle it. So whoever I step into that squared circle with, you must remember that when you play with a snake, you can be bitten. And once bitten, I have proven it, you are no more.

So now, let's get to the real truth of the matter, and the truth is, Sid Justice, who the hell do you think you are?! Don't make the mistake of stepping into the ring with a snake, because if you do, you will be bitten like all the rest. And once bitten, once again I say, you are no more. I will wear the glove to protect me, Sid Justice. What on God's green earth will protect you?

October 19

Hogan: You know something, Hulkamaniacs? I can't lie to you, man. I'm worried because this is the gravest challenge I've ever had to face. I didn't understand why so many of my little Hulksters were shaking in fear just at the sight of the Undertaker and Paul Bearer, but now I understand. As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I woke up in a cold sweat, man. I had a nightmare of massive proportions! I saw Hulkamaniac after Hulkamaniac, single-file for miles and miles and miles, walking into a massive grave the size of a football field, man. I woke up, I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the World Title belt on my dresser. And I realized the fate, the safety, the future of each and every Hulkster is at stake. That's why, brother, the Grim Reaper that has risen in the site on your arm, Undertaker, is none other than Hulk Hogan in disguise. And what you gonna do when Hulk Hogan buries you?

Paul Bearer: Oh, Hulk Hogan, you don't know how right you were when you said the safety and future of all your little Hulkamaniacs is at stake. Oh yes, it is, and there's more at stake. It's going to be déjà vu for you. There'll be a funeral, they'll be lined up for miles. But they'll stand and look into the open grave and see the special casket my Undertaker's selected for you, and you'll be inside, and we'll be standing there with your belt.

Undertaker: The size of the grave will be big enough just for you, and all your Hulkamaniacs will be left untouched so they can suffer the rest of eternity, the fate of Hulk Hogan.

December 7

Mean Gene: Last Tuesday in Texas, Hulk Hogan regaining the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt! I'm sure because of all of the goings-on and confusion at the conclusion of that match-up, that President Jack Tunney and the World Wrestling Federation right now has to be pondering, perhaps collecting his thoughts. If you saw that event on pay-per-view, you recall Tunney, true to his word, he was at ringside to observe firsthand. However, our president, not the most agile of individuals. He was upend...as a match of fact, I think his vantage point was somewhat skewed. I do recall, at the end of the match-up, Tunney was on his feet trying to get the referee's attention. Maybe he can shed some new light on all of this because standing by, let's hear from World Wrestling Federation President, the distinguished Jack Tunney.

Jack Tunney: As President of the World Wrestling Federation, I am fully aware that the decisions of this office are not always popular, and that this one will be no exception. However, I cannot stand idly by and take little or no action in the face of such grievous circumstances. This past Tuesday in Texas, during the Undertaker/Hulk Hogan Championship match, I witnessed with my own eyes what I believe was a flagrant and far-reaching oversight on the part of the referee. Now the referee's decision is final; I will not challenge his official decision. However, under these circumstances, I have little choice but to decree the WWF Title vacant, and to declare that the winner of the 30-man Royal Rumble will now become the undisputed WWF Champion. Furthermore, in regards to both the Undertaker and Hulk Hogan, and in respect to certain legitimate claims each can make to the WWF Title, it is my ruling that they be allowed to draw their entry number for the Royal Rumble only from numbers 20 through 30.

Mean Gene: What?! Tunney putting the Title up for grabs at the Royal Rumble?! Well, that means 30 superstars are gonna be vying for the World Wrestling Federation Title. I have been told now that Hulk Hogan will have comments later on in this hour. With Update, I'm Gene Okerlund.

1992

February 1

Gene Okerlund: The purpose of this press conference is to announce just exactly whom of the top five contenders in the World Wrestling Federation will be challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title...just a second...at the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis on Sunday, April the fifth. Before we give that announcement, I would like to introduce to you the current World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair. Mr. Flair

Ric Flair: [taking his place at the podium] WOO! Y'all tired of hearing that? Well, that's too bad because when you hear that noise, you know that the World Wrestling Federation Champion is on location. None of you like to know that, do you? But the bottom line is, I told everybody in the world of professional wrestling that I would win this, the most coveted trophy in this sport. And you know what? As I look around this room, I see five of the great WWF Superstars, but five guys that were in the ring with me the night I won this. As a matter of fact, there were 29 men in the ring the night I won this. So whether they like it, or whether you like it, it's too bad because everybody in the sport of professional wrestling knows that WrestleMania, the biggest extravaganza in sports today, looms on the horizon. And for Ric Flair, it means a defense, a title defense of this, the World Wrestling Federation Title. Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, the Undertaker, Randy Savage, Sid Justice, it doesn't make any difference to me. They were all in the ring the night I won this. So at WrestleMania, just as I walk in the Champion, I will walk out the Champion, and that's the bottom line. WOO!

Jack Tunney: With so many worthy challengers anxiously awaiting the shot at Ric Flair's World Wrestling Federation Title, choosing an opponent has been especially difficult. At this table up here are five of the challengers: Roddy Piper, the Undertaker; on my left, Sid Justice, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, and Hulk Hogan. Very hard to choose one. However, after careful consideration as well as examining the wishes of the public at large, I have reached a decision. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed members of the press, challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title at the Hoosier Dome at WrestleMania VIII will be...[Sid Justice stands up smiling]...Hulk Hogan!

Hulk Hogan: Yes! Yes! Yes! [Sid sits back down seething] Hulkamania, I told you this thing would turn full circle, man. Now the battle lines are drawn. Ric Flair has the WWF Title. The so-called "real" world's champion is gonna find out what the power of Hulkamania is all about at WrestleMania VIII. And what you gonna do, Ric Flair, when Hulk Hogan and his little Maniacs run wild on you?!

Sean Mooney: Macho Man, your reaction to President Jack Tunney's announcement.

Randy Savage: Well, I didn't like it! Bottom line, I wish it was the Macho Man Randy Savage, that's me, I like that, yeah. But since I couldn't get it, I just wanna let you know that there's a piece of me that realizes that Hulk Hogan probably should've got the nod anyway, being honest, okay. So Hulkster, good luck. We've been competitors against each other in the past, but I guarantee you're a good friend, and I respect you. Go against Ric Flair at WrestleMania and do the thing! Ooh yeah, Hulkamania lives, dig it?!

Sean Mooney: Sid Justice, you were obviously not pleased...

Sid Justice: Shut up, AND YOU ALL SHUT UP! I wanna say something. What happened at Royal Rumble, it was simple. I was the last man standing! I would be the World Champion if it wasn't for you, Hogan, pulling me out from outside the ring. Now, what you did, Jack Tunney, was BOGUS! The most bogus act you've ever pulled off! Well, I wanna ask you, what is it? Is it because I'm not a big movie star like Hulk Hogan, the big Immortal One himself? Is it because Sid Justice is the newcomer? Well, I wanna tell you something, Hulk Hogan. You couldn't beat Ric Flair on your best day, but I can. Why? Because Sid Justice rules the world.

[Sensational Sherri is a guest of the Funeral Parlor]

Paul Bearer: Sherri, you look so lovely, so happy, so alive! Have you been to a funeral?

Sensational Sherri: No, Paul Bearer, I'm on Cloud Nine. I've found the man of my dreams, Paul Bearer.

Paul Bearer: Oh, does this mean you're in love? Who's the lucky guy?

Sherri: Oh, Paul Bearer, I'm in love with a man that has long, blond, flowing locks. I'm in love with a man that has a body sculpture that even the Greek gods would envy. I'm in love with a man that has the most wonderful wrestling ability that any one person can be blessed to possess!

Mr. Perfect: That could be me, McMahon.

Sherri: I'm in love with a man that even has an animal magnetism that makes my blood run hot! I am in love with Shawn Michaels!

Paul Bearer: Shawn Michaels?

Sherri: Yes! Shawn Michaels, now that he and Marty Jannetty are no longer a team or an item. Shawn has never needed Marty Jannetty. Never ever needed Marty Jannetty. And now that he's gotten rid of that deadbeat, he has all the time in the world to accept the love and everything that I have to give him.

Paul Bearer: Oh, but Sherri, what about the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase?

Sherri: My Teddy bear is a wonderful, giving, and very loving man. My Teddy bear has left the door wide open for me to return at any time I decide. And my Teddy bear has given me gifts that any woman in the world would dream of having. My Teddy bear only wants what makes me happy. And my Teddy bear knows that what makes me happy, is giving and sharing all of my wealth with Shawn Michaels.

February 15

Gene Okerlund: Hi again, everyone. As you know by now, World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney has made a ruling, and he has issued the following statement. Let me read.

"Due to the accusations made by Sid Justice alleging favoritism, as well as his recent actions in the ring, it is the decision of this office that at WrestleMania, there be not one, but two main events. The World Wrestling Federation Champion Ric Flair will defend his title against the now #1-ranked contender, Macho Man Randy Savage. While in the other main event, Hulk Hogan will be meeting Sid Justice."

Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. By the way, there's a great deal of speculation right now suggesting that President Tunney will be naming a special guest referee for that Hogan/Justice matchup on Sunday April the 5th at WrestleMania VIII.

Mr. Perfect: President Jack Tunney, you've made a lot of decisions here in the World Wrestling Federation. This time, you've stepped on me and the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The decisions you made don't sit pleasant with us.

Savage, chance of a lifetime. Don't let it pass you by.

Ric Flair: The first mistake you ever made, Tunney, was when you attempted, through video distortion, to destroy my credibility as the greatest champion of all time. Now I stand here before you with the World Wrestling Federation Title, Hogan gone, and Savage in.

We all know Savage has been the Champion. We all know he's one of the greatest WWF superstars, a track record second to none. But we also know that Ric Flair is the man of the hour. Ric Flair is the man with the World Wrestling Federation Title. And Randy Savage, we know something else you don't know.

February 29

Mean Gene: Dateline: Denver, Colorado. Recently, the Legion of Doom were scheduled to defend their Tag Team Titles against the Natural Disasters. However, prior to that matchup, Jimmy Hart, the manager and spokesman for the Natural Disasters, contacted WWF President Jack Tunney to inform him that one of the members of Legion of Doom had been injured in a previous match with the Natural Disasters. He added that, in the interest of fairness, perhaps Mr. Tunney should consider the Legion of Doom defending their titles against a different tag team—in this case, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his partner, IRS. Now, this request, according to Jimmy Hart, came with the full consent and support of the Natural Disasters, who, again according to Hart, only wished to take on the Legion of Doom when LOD was once again at their full 100% capacity. President Tunney agreed.

And the result is, we have new World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions in the Million Dollar Man and IRS! However, as this story unfolds, it now appears clear that Jimmy Hart took dirty money from the Million Dollar Man to maneuver, to manipulate the Natural Disasters out of their rightful #1 contenders position. The whole thing, folks, was a setup. A sting, a scam, a con, if you will. The Natural Disasters, understandably, have unloaded Jimmy Hart. They have categorically denied ever giving him consent to do anything on this matter. They never knew a thing about it. And of course, World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney can't change the referee's official decision. However, he has ruled that on April 5th at WrestleMania, the very first mandatory title defense by the Million Dollar Man and IRS, now managed coincidentally by Jimmy Hart, will in fact be against Earthquake and Typhoon, the Natural Disasters.

[Jake "The Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]

Jake Roberts: [to the Undertaker] You and I have a real problem. Now I'm standing here, if you can tell me something, face-to-face, just who in the hell do you think you are, and whose side are you on? You tell me, whose side are you on?! [Undertaker takes the urn from Paul Bearer's hands] Come on! Tell me! Tell me whose side you're on! Face-to-face, come on! Make up your mind, man. Make it up.

Undertaker: Not yours.

June 6

Mean Gene: Papa Shango, I got to ask you what's going on?

Papa Shango: Ultimate Warrior, how does it feel not to be in control. Ultimate Warrior, how does it feel. You have enter the dark world of Papa Shango. You have stepped into my black circle, and that black circle its closing on you. (end of interview).

Mean Gene: Thank god it's over.

Vince McMahon: Mean Gene Okerlund thanking his lucky stars nothing happened out there. (Then Papa put a curse on Okerlund causing his right hand to suffer a case of voodoo) Wait a minute, what's that.

Mr. Perfect: Look its the curse of papa shango.

Vince McMahon: What is going on?

Mr. Perfect: I have never seen anything like this before, wow!

Mean Gene: (After his voodoo curse) Oh My God!

October 17

[Interview from October 12th in Saskatoon]

Mean Gene: Bret Hart, you were born for this moment. You were born for this day.

Bret: You know, Gene, I can't tell you right now how proud I am of this moment. This is the greatest moment of my whole life, and I dedicate this moment to all the people that believe that the biggest dreams can still come true.

Mean Gene: You know, Bret Hart, I could not agree with you more. I know about your work ethic, because I have watched you virtually for your entire career. And I can't help but believe, Bret Hart, that this...this World Wrestling Federation Title in your hands at this time is the result of determination, it's the result of perseverance. You've paid your dues, I've seen you the last eight years in the trenches here n the World Wrestling Federation. And finally, this instant, this moment, all of those dreams, all of that hard work has paid off. And of course, your wishes, your dreams have now come to fruition.

Bret: You know, Gene, since I was this tall, I've been involved in wrestling. My whole family's been involved in wrestling. I've dedicated my whole life to wrestling. My father's taught me, he stuck me on the mat. He's made me scream, he's made me feel the pain, and I've listened, and I've learned, and I've thought about it, and I've dedicated myself to the technical wrestling, to learning wrestling, following up on all those last details. The endurance, the strength, that wrestling ability, and never ever thinking that I knew it all 'cause you never know it all. And I've had my share of wins, I've had my share of losses, but you wait your whole lifetime for one chance, just one single chance, and I've got that chance. And I've got to thank every single wrestler that I've ever wrestled against. I've wrestled the greatest wrestlers in the world, and I've learned. I've learned so much, and I've got to thank each and every one of them. And one in particular that I want to thank is Ric Flair. I want to thank Ric Flair for stepping in the ring with me tonight and giving me that chance.

I want to thank each and every one of my fans around the world for supporting me all these years. I want to thank all my friends that have backed me up through the thick and the thin. And most of all, I want to thank my family. They've been with me since the very beginning, since I was just a little baby. And most of all, I want to thank God above. God Almighty, thank you for the greatest moment of my entire life. I'm proud to be the WWF Champion.

Vince: Last Monday night in Saskatoon, the Hitman Bret Hart becomes the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion!

Mr. Perfect: Saskatoon! Who ever heard of Saskatoon?! I never heard of Saskatoon! Have you ever heard of Saskatoon?! No! Ric Flair has a title match in Saskatoon. I advised him, "don't take a title match in Saskatoon." He turns around, he signs for it anyway. And prior to the match, Ric Flair—and I'm the only one who knows this, I'm honestly telling you—Ric Flair was sick as a dog! He could barely pick himself off the bench and walk to the ring! I said, "Slick Ric, don't go to the ring in Saskatoon"! He goes to the ring anyway, the rest is history! Bret "The Hitman" Hart becomes the World Wrestling Federation Champion, which only proves...what are you laughing about, McMahon? I'm ready to take you out, or anybody else! This is serious business! I'm the executive consultant to Ric Flair! The point is, on any given night, any great superstar can defeat another great superstar! Well, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you had yours, and next time Ric Flair steps into the ring with you, my friend, Ric Flair will once again become the World Wrestling Federation Champion!

October 24

Vince: ...and then from there, next week, for the Tag Team Championship, the #1 contenders, the Nasty Boys meeting the champions, the Natural Disasters.

Typhoon: Next week, we find out who the real nasty boys are

Earthquake: Nastisize who? Nasty Boys, your nastisizing days are numbered, and you're not getting these!

Jimmy Hart: No! Uh-uh, Natural Disasters! You're not gonna be putting your World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Championship belts up against the Nasty Boys right here next week. You're gonna be putting them up against Money Inc., baby! That's right! Money Inc., right here next week!

Vince: Oh my goodness, Jimmy Hart with the news! The Nasty Boys won't be happy with this one. Nonetheless, we will have our scheduled Tag Team Championship match-up!