People Just Do Nothing

People Just Do Nothing is a BBC sitcom which is broadcast on BBC Three. The show follows the lives of MC Grindah and DJ Beats whom own a pirate radio station which broadcasts drum and bass and garage in Brentford, West London.

Series 1

Secret Location [1.1]

Miche: I've been with Grindah for about six years now. When we first got together, we used to do a of, you know, sort of romantic sorta things, like, he'd just buy me clothes and that, just... cos, you know, he didn't like what I wore.

Camera Crew: (VO) So uhh... How did you two meet?

Miche: It was actually sweet. Like, it was in a car park. I was just sort of, you know, walking along and he shouted something at me from a van, and yeah, it just all went from there really.

---

Chabuddy: You know that bit of dust at the end of peanuts, yeah? basically, that's the best part. Everybody loves that bit, okay? There was a manufacturing fault where all the bags were filled with nothing but peanut dust. My uncle managed to get like 3,000 boxes of it, yeah, smuggled to the UK by smuggling himself inside a bloody crate. Mental! He got deported, unfortunately, but uh the boxes stayed with me. I call it, Peanut Dust (Holds up a bag titled "Peanut Dust").

Series 2

The Godfather [2.1]

Priest: (To Grindah) If the father would like to step forward, please.

Grindah: Yeah, uh, no worries mate. I'll take over from 'ere. (Signalling to Beats) Could you pass me the mic, please, mate?

Beats: Yeah, sure.

Grindah: Angel, if you could stand there.

(Grindah receives the mic from Beats and takes centre stage)

Grindah: Right! Welcome, people. As you all know, I've had the important decision of who will be the godfather.

Beats: Very important.

Grindah: Exactly. It's uh... It's something I took very seriously. I even watched this film called The Godfather to help me work this out what it is they actually do. To be honest I didn't end up watching it all, cos it is quite long. But the point is, I learnt that it is more than just some little name given to you by some silly little John in a church. Yeah? It's about loyalty. It's about respect. It's about being the head of a crime family. Which is something we know a little bit about, isn't it?

Beats: Yeah.

Grindah: So, for that reason, I feel that there is no one better for the role of godfather...Than... Me! MC Grindah!

(The camera focuses on Beats, now with a look of disappointment on his face)

Grindah: I now declare myself... Godfather!

(An awkward applause)

Grindah: Should've actually all had uh, maybe a little drinks, for this bit. Like a toast. Anyway, good. (To the Priest) Back to you, mate.

Beats: (To Decoy) The best man won in the end of the day, innit?

(Decoy and Beats, the once hopefuls for the role of Godfather, shake hands)

Decoy: Good job mate.

Beats: Yeah, same to you, mate.

Weed Drought [2.3]

(The door to Chabuddy G's internet cafe/condo opens. He is wearing a bath robe and his hair is desheveled.

Chabuddy: I must've fully passed out last night; it's a bit of uh... A bit crazy. Have you guys... Have you guys moved the Merc?

(The camera pans to where Chabuddy's Mercedes would've been.)

Chabuddy: Where's the Merc? Did, did you guys see anything? The...

(Chabuddy starts to pace back inside)

Chabuddy: Aldona? Aldona? Did you...

(Chabuddy stops as he notices that she isn't in the bedroom)

Chabuddy: (Now frantic) Aldona?! Aldona did you...

(Chabuddy enters the internet cafe. The room is in a state, with wires everywhere and computers missing)

Chabuddy: Oh no... No no no no no! I've been robbed! The computers! The printer! Oh my g... The footspa... and they've taken Aldona!

(Chabuddy now rushes out of the cafe and outside, pacing and looking)

Chabuddy: ALDONA! ALDONA!

Promotion [2.4]

(Beats and Craig stand beside the fire, with Craig holding a deodorant can in his hand)

Beats: Right, you ready?

Craig: Yeah.

Beats: Let's do this.

Craig: Shall I throw it?

Beats: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Craig: Ok.

(Craig throws the deodorant can into the fire and it starts to hiss)

Craig: It's gonna, it's gonna blow innit? It's gonna blow.

(The can explodes and Beats and Craig step back in surprise.)

Beats: Woah! Fucking hell! That was sick, innit?

Craig: That was sick.

Beats: Never gets old that. It's like a firework, but more fragrant.

Craig: Yeah.

Beats: Sick.

(Beats lights a cigarette, smokes it and passes it to Craig.)

Beats: There you go.

Craig: Cheers, Dad.

(Beats's face brightens whilst Craig smokes the cigarette)

Beats: Cheers, son. I fucking love fishing.

Series 3

Dubplate [3.1]

(Grindah hastely walks back into the studio)

Grindah: Decoy! We've got four minutes left. As soon as I get in there, start recording.

Decoy: One second, yeah?

(As Grindah is about to record, he puts the headphones down and gives an exasperated look to the camera then turns back)

Decoy: Mate, you know we're not gonna do this in, like, four minutes?

Grindah: (as he puts the headphones down, again) Do you know what? Fuck this. The little prick thinks he can tighten me, yeah.

(Grindah proceeds to head towards the door)

Grindah: I'm locking us in. Steve (shuts door), blockade the door.

Steves: (moving a piece of equipment) You blockading the door?

Grindah: Yes mate.

Steves: Decoy, we're blockading the door.

Grindah: Bruv, get a piano. Block it properly.

Steves: The Clavinova or the P80?

Grindah: Just get any of them. Grab anything you can get.

(Steves and Decoy pick up the Clavinova and start to move it to the door)

Grindah: Get some more shit. Hurry up. Hurry up!

(cut to Grindah placing a stool at the door)

Steves: Leads. Oi, um, do you reckon I should lock it as well?

Grindah: Yeah, do that as well.

(Steves locks the door, shows the key up to the camera and leaves)

Grindah: (To Decoy) As soon as I lock myself in there, you start doing that, alright?

(Grindah rushes into the booth)

Steves: (whilst placing a speaker towards the door) Oh, mate. This takes me back. The old squat party days.

(Grindah picks up the headphones, preparing himself)

Grindah: Alright, Decoy.

Decoy: Yeah.

Grindah: It's my time.

Decoy: Alright.

(Decoy plays the instrumental, with Grindah aiming finger guns at the camera)

---

(The studio is in chaos as the Kurupt FM crew (save DJ Beats) and Chabuddy G argue with the Studio Engineer)

Studio Engineer: Call the police! Call the police!

Grindah and Chabuddy: No don't call the police don't-

(Shouts and expletives can be heard from both sides)

Grindah: Just... Fuck, shut up! Don't call the police. Don't call the police. Don't call the police.

Steves: What about them ones?

Grindah: Just get out!

Chabuddy: (holding up a watch to the engineer) Thats six grand right there. Just take that. Take it. Don't even, Don't even worry about it.

(Chabuddy starts to place the watch in the engineers hands)

Chabuddy: Take it! Take my watch!

Studio Engineer: (Whilst fighting Chabuddy) I don't even want your watch!

Chabuddy: Take it! Take it! Listen. Listen mate, you're trying to hustle a hustler here, yeah?

Studio Engineer: I'm not trying to hustle anyone...

Chabuddy: (Interupting) I'm gonna hustle you right now, yeah?

Studio Engineer: Mate, you've just brought a bunch of morons into my studio!

Chabuddy: They're artists. They're artists. Artistes!

Studio Engineer: Morons, mate. Morons!

Chabuddy: Creative artists!

Record Deal [3.2]

Chabuddy: Get ready for the Kurupt FM world exclusivity contract.

Grindah: Yeah, get your fucking pen ready, mate, cos you're going to want to sign the shit out of us once you've heard this.

Beats: There you go mate.

Grindah: Play it.

(Beats gets the phone up to Josh's ear and starts to play the track)

Grindah: Eye contact, Josh, eye contact.

Beats: It might sound a bit tinny cos it's off the phone.

Chabuddy: Yeah. This will be available on all formats as well, so, CD, MiniDisc, MP3, MP4, MP5...

Josh: What about MP6?

Chabuddy: Yeah, we can do that.

(The track segues into the hook. As the track plays, Grindah mouths the hook to Josh whilst Chabuddy and Beats shoot finger guns at Josh as the track plays. Josh, however, doesn't look all too happy)

Beats: Leaving every MC dead, like, in their own blood.

---

Chabuddy: The key to being a good salesman, is knowing how to sell your product, okay? For example, how much would you give me for this watch?

(Chabuddy looks at his wrist, sans watch)

Chabuddy: Aww, fuck. It's got a dodgy strap, it must've fallen off. OK, I'll tell you what, uhhhh, let me look for the watch and then just ask me the question again, OK?

Court Case [3.3]

(Beats and Grindah walk out the court room, with Grindah's head wrapped in a jumper and Beats escorting him out)

Beats: Door open. Follow my voice, follow my voice. Through this, through this.

Grindah: No comment! No comment!

(The security guard standing nearby looks at the two, befound. The two make their way out with Decoy waiting for them)

Beats: Alright, you're out.

Grindah: (Muffled) Everybody stand back!

Decoy: I don't think you're gonna need that jacket, bruv.

Grindah: What?

(Grindah takes off the jacket and starts to look around)

Grindah: Where's all the press and shit?

Beats: Dunno. I think the clocks went back a few weeks ago.

Grindah: Oh, is it? You boys are gonna have to film this, yeah, cause the news crews must've got it mixed up. You lot can just pick it up, send it over to them. (Signaling to the camera crew) Pop yourself down there. You've got the court in the background, yeah? OK. (To Beats) Ready?

Beats: Go.

(The two adjust themselves with the crest of the court in the background and themselves facing the sky)

Grindah: I would just like to say on behalf of myself, my family and the BBC, that justice has been served in Brentford today.

Beats: Yes.

Grindah: Hold tight the judge and big up everyone that's been there for me in these dark times.

(Cut to Decoy with a dumbfounded look on his face, knowing how ridicluous this whole ordeal is)

Grindah: (VO) I have escaped jail and I'm once again a free man. Feels good to be out.

Beats: Feels great.

Grindah: Amen.

Beats: Amen.

Grindah: (Starts to walk down the stairs and out) I will be making no further comments on this occasion.

Beats: (With the jacket to guard Grindah) Give my client a bit of space please.

Grindah: Have you still got those nuggets?

Beats: Nah, me and Decoy twosed them.

Grindah: Ah.

(Grindah sticks his hands in the air with triumph)

Grindah: I'm free! I beat the case! I beat it!

---

Steves: It's in 'ere. Where'd it go?

(Cut to Steves behind the decks, paranoid and looking behind him)

Steves: It's in the walls. I can hear it in the walls. (peers over the boxes)

(Steves looks to his chest and imitates trying to get something off him, frantically)

Steves: Argghhh!

(Leans back onto the boxes whilst trying to "catch" something that isn't there)

Steves: (Ear against the wall) Can you hear the scratching? Maybe its trying to communicate. (peers back round)

---

(Roche enters the room Chabuddy G was decorating for her newborn. She pauses at the doorstep. The mural Chabuddy painted is running down the walls and the characters painted are, to say the least weird. The cot stands near the wall, the bedding made out of a grill rack and polystyrene.)

Roche: I mean, this is weird even for him, right? (Now looking at the painting, pointing out animals) And who are they meant to be? I mean, she's got tits, he's got his tongue fallen off and two teeth in a gaping mouth. What is it?!

(Roche notices the curtains, now cut and ruined)

Roche: Has he cut my fucking curtains up? Look at it, it's fucked!

(She lifts the polystyrene mattress off and finds the grill rack)

Roche: Is that...? Is that a fucking grill?

Camera Crew: (VO) Do you think you'll get Chabuddy to do more work for you?

Roche: Yes, I'm going to get Chabuddy to come round and do more work. The first thing he's going to do is paint over this fucking monstrosity!

New Frends [3.4]

Miche: Alright?

Grindah: Not really. Beats is being a proper selfish prick.

Miche: Where's the money that you took from the wedding fund?

Grindah: Oh yeah yeah yeah, no, I've got that. Here you go.

(Grindah gets up from the bed and walsk to the wedding fund jar. He takes the lid off and deposits some coins into the jar)

Grindah: Every little helps, innit? There you go.

Miche: (Unpleased) That was nothing. That's not enough, like, this whole thing isn't enough.

Grindah: Well, it's alright. Chill out. What's up with her?

(Grindah reaches into his pockets)

Grindah: There you go. £2 coin, yeah? (Grindah puts it in the jar) Bang. Happy?

Miche: No I'm not.

Grindah: Why not? Look, stop stressing yourself out all the time, it's just a wedding, right? Why you gotta be so intense?

Miche: Do you even want to get married?

Grindah: (Now struggling for words) Huh? Yeah, like, probably, I dunno, like, just...

Miche: Well, yes or no?

Grindah: Yes, then! Like, can't we just do it in a few years or whatever when we've got more money and that, like, there's no rush, is there?

Miche: I knew it! You don't even want to get married! I sent out all the invitations, you're making me look stupid!

Grindah: Well, I didnt tell you to send them out so you're making yourself look stupid if anything.

Miche: Right that's it. What's the point in me doing all this wedding stuff?

Grindah: Shhhhhh. Shut up.

Miche: Why did you propose to me?

Ipswich [3.5]

Beats: Is it that one, yeah?

Chabuddy: Yeah, everythings sorted boys.

Beats: Sick. It looks nice as well.

Chabuddy: Yeah yeah, it's the Ramada Inn.

Grindah: Come on. Get out. I need to strech my legs man.

(The Kurupt FM crew proceed to get out the car)

Grindah: Ugh. Fucking long. (Jumps out) Aaah, mate! That is long.

Beats: Yeah.

Grindah: They should have some of rule about driving more than a hour.

Beats: Yeah.

Grindah: A journey shouldn't last that long.

Beats: Do you know what though? I can't stop thinking about that place. Ashfield-cum-Thorpe.

Grindah: Yeah.

Beats: Cum, it's a joke, innit?

Grindah: Yeah.

(Chabuddy unlocks the back door of the van)

Chabuddy: Right come on Stevie!

Grindah: What's happening, has he been sick?

Chabuddy: Oh. Shit. No he's...

Grindah: What?!

Beats: Oh, shit.

(The group huddle round the back, realising that Steves is long gone and not present in the van)

Grindah: Least we got the bags though, innit?

Beats: Yeah.

Chabuddy: Every silver cloud.

(Chabuddy and Grindah start handing out bags to the rest)

Grindah: Decoy, I think that's you, mate.

Decoy: Cheers, mate.

Chabuddy: Alright, lets go! Ramada Inn!

Grindah: My new estate.

Beats: Aaahhh. Do you think they've got free Wi-Fi?

Grindah: Oh of course they have.

Chabuddy: 100% mate.

(Grindah notices the flags near the hotel. The hotel flag, the flag of the UK and the flag of the EU are flying)

Grindah: Look at that. International.

Beats: Yeah.

Chabuddy: International.

Grindah: Told you Kurupt was going global.

---

(Miche arrives from the lavatory, extremely drunk. Her work partners have left their drinks on the table, and have possbily left as a result of Miche's drunken stupor. Miche starts to drink their leftovers and starts to ring Tanya.)

Miche: Tanyaaaaaaaa! Your phone's gone to voicemaaaaaaaail! Where you've lot gone? I'm still here, so if you just come back, get out your house. I love you. Bye Muuuuuum!

(Miche hangs up, now realising her error)

Miche: Oh no, I called you Mum.

Valentimes [3.6]

(Steves walks into one of the care home wards, all jovial)

Steves: Na nana na nana na nana... na?

(To his surprise, his Nan isn't present)

Steves: You seen me Nan, Pete?

Pete: Um...

(A care worker rushes up to Steves and holds him)

Care Worker: Oh hi Steve. Can we have a little chat, please? In private?

Steves: Yeah.

Care Worker: Yeah? OK, um, The number that you gave us, it's not working it's wrong.

(At the same time, an elderly woman whispers to Pete whilst looking at Steves)

Steves: Oh, yeah, no. I always give fake numbers out to people I don't know, sorry.

(Cut to Steves being led by the worker though the care home, into the office)

Care Worker: Just come in the office here, darling.

Steves: Has my Nan been in trouble again?

(The office door is opened)

Care Worker: There you go (Steves and the worker enter the office) .Just take a... Just take a seat.

(Bewildered and slightly confused, Steves sits down. The worker brings a box of his Nan's personal belongings. Steves feels his Nans scarf for a bit and starts to break down. It is implied in this scene his Nan has passed on)

Series 4