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Unskippable

Unskippable is a weekly web series in which video game cinematic sections are satirized by voice-over, in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The series began when Graham Stark and Paul Saunders, of the sketch comedy website LoadingReadyRun, submitted a video mocking the opening cutscene of Lost Planet to online magazine The Escapist's Second Annual Film Festival. The video tied for first place and, as a result, Stark and Saunders have continued to submit videos on a weekly basis.

Lost Planet

edit
[A group of black-clad soldiers wearing sinister gas masks appear]
Graham Stark: From the 'Our Art Director Likes Anime' department...
Soldier: Platoon A has secured Point B!
Paul Saunders: Insert Platoon C into Slot A!
[An alien curled up into a ball rolls menacingly toward the panicked soldiers]
Graham: You know, between these guys and those droids from Star Wars, you'd think the whole 'rolling into a ball' thing would make you pretty deadly. And yet... the armadillo.
[The soldiers fire on the alien]
Sergeant: Bernie, surround that one!
Graham: How is poor Bernie supposed to do that by himself? Is he really fat?
[Later, after a soldier is crushed by the alien]
Graham: Bernie, no! (sighs sadly) No one could surround an Akrid like him...
[A soldier runs forward, beckoning others to follow]
Soldier: Charge!
[Other soldiers run past, while the first man stays behind]
Paul: (as soldier) I'll wait here!

Eternal Sonata

edit
[A close-up of a young girl's neck]
Graham: This shot marketed to vampires.
[On the game's extremely relaxed opening narration]
Paul: (as narrator) Hi, folks. I'm the narrator. I just took a fistful of Valium. Awww, yeah.
[The hyper-picturesque opening shots of Tenuto village repeatedly show flower petals drifting upward]
Paul: You know, I have not seen a single petal go downward in this entire cutscene.
Graham: Maybe that's why no one's around. Gravity works in reverse and everyone's fallen up.
[The girl who jumps off a cliff at the beginning of the game is shown earlier walking with her mother]
Paul: (as girl) Mommy, am I gonna jump off a cliff when I grow up?
Graham: (as mother) No, no. Well... yes. Maybe. Probably.
[After the mother gives an absurdly poetic explanation for how the moon causes waves]
Girl: What about the puddle? Will it make waves when the moon comes out, too?
Graham: (as mother) No, that's stupid. God, you're dumb.
Girl: But that's weird. Why can't a little bit of water make waves, too?
Paul: (as mother) Because it can't, okay? And it's a little sensitive about it. Maybe, maybe it thinks you're weird, huh?!
[The girl turns and runs back toward the puddle]
Graham and Paul: Yes, go! (chanting) Jump, jump, jump, jump... (the girl stops at the puddle's edge) Aw.
[After a long philosophical monologue]
Mother: This is probably too hard for you to understand.
Paul: (as girl) Ya think? I'm five!

Dead Rising

edit
[In a helicopter flying over Willamette, Colorado, photojournalist Frank West appears to be holding his camera against his groin]
Paul: Is he taking pictures of his junk?
[Shot of the helicopter's pilot looking back at Frank]
Graham: (as pilot) So, takin' pictures of your junk back there, huh? I see you've got the long lens on...
Pilot: Say buddy... you mentioned something about research for a story.
Graham: (as pilot) On your junk.
Frank: That's right. Got a tip that something big's happening.
Paul: (as Frank) In my pants.
Pilot: In a nowhere little town like that?
Paul: (as Frank) Hey!
Pilot: Here she is! Willamette, Colorado. Population: 53,594.
Graham: (as pilot) 593. 592.
Carlito: (to Frank) You came by helicopter, didn't you?
Graham: (as Carlito) I'm guessing, because you just jumped out of a helicopter.

Dirge of Cerberus

edit
[Yuffie gives orders in her midriff-baring outfit]
Yuffie: (to a worker) Report!
Graham: (as worker) I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't find the rest of your sweater!
[Gravelly-voiced Vincent talks to Yuffie over a radio]
Vincent: Yuffie. Rendezvous with Cloud and the others. It looks like I still have some work to do.
Graham: (as Vincent/Snake) I have to stop Metal Gear.
Yuffie: I have a bad feeling about this!
Graham: I have a bad feeling Final Fantasy games keep ripping off Star Wars.
Paul: George Lucas actually gets twenty cents every time somebody says that line.
[Vincent's television shows a helpful news report]
Graham: (as news anchor) You're watching Channel Seven Exposition Network. We're happy to give you some backstory right now. Gonna throw it over to our field reporter, Patrick Plot Point. Come in, Patrick.
Paul: (as reporter) Thanks, Jeff. You see here this building. You might remember it from earlier on in the cutscene.
[In mid-brood, Vincent abruptly looks out his window]
Graham: (as Vincent) Wait a minute... where did I leave the moon?
[The game shifts to a shot of the moon]
Graham: (as Vincent) Ah. Good. I'm watching you, moon.
[The game cuts from a news report about a corporation's possible human experiments to a joyful festival]
Paul: (as reveler) Yay! Human experiments!
Graham: It's the Human Experiment Fair, the most wonderful day of the year!
Paul: Man, the Human Experiment Fair's gone all commercial since the whole 'Shinra' thing.
[Women dance in the street]
Graham: It's the Human Experiment Dancers! Bred from a test tube to be the best they can! (balloons are shown) And floats that look like microbes!
Paul: Microbes that could have been injected into unwilling participants.
Graham: Yay.
[Aircraft begin dropping shock troops into the festival area]
Graham: (as if speaking over loudspeaker) Nobody panic. This is all part of the festivities. This is a live re-enactment of people being abducted for Human Experiments!
[Soldiers land and begin firing into the crowd]
Graham: (as soldier) It's experiment time! We're testing the effects of bullets. On you!
Paul: (as soldier) Tell us if this hurts!
[As Vincent leaps incredible distances and shoots helicopters out of the sky]
Paul: Wow. You know, this seems like a really fun game to play.
Graham: Yeah.
Paul: Maybe we could do that at some point.
Graham: And yet, somehow, I suspect that when you actually do get to play the game, you can't do any of those things. Just a guess.
[Monsters chase innocent people down an alley]
Paul: (as terrified woman) Oh, no! These dogs are coming to kill us! Somebody please save us! What do we-? (camera pans up to show Vincent standing on a nearby rooftop) Oh, thank God! Vincent! You can save us! (Vincent does absolutely nothing) Wait. Why are you just standing there? Why aren't you-? Help! Help! (screams)
[Lightning strikes the building Vincent is on]
Graham: (as God) This is GOD! Pick up the pace...

The Getaway

edit
[Three English thugs wait in a getaway car, watching their female accomplice]
Eyebrows: What's with the bird, Harry?
Paul: Beautiful plumage!
[Yasmin gets into the car with the thugs]
Yasmin: (to Eyebrows, coldly) And what are you looking at?
Graham: (as Eyebrows) Tits! Uh, steering wheel!
Yasmin: They said I'd be working with professionals, not a bunch of bloody has-beens.
Graham: (as Eyebrows) Hey! We're a professional light-contemporary-jazz band. "Eyebrows and the Thugs."
[Mark Hammond cradles his dying wife, with the gun that killed her only inches away]
Paul: (as Mark) You know what this murder weapon needs? (Mark picks up the gun) My fingerprints!
Graham: Why is it that whenever they knock out the main character, they have to knock out the cameraman as well?
Paul: Yeah, that's just... mean.
[Mark is tied up in the office of his son's kidnapper]
Mark: Charlie, if you don't tell me where my son is, you'd better kill me now!
Graham: (as Charlie, cheerfully) Don't mind if I do!
[Mark struggles with Charlie's men, Eyebrows and Grievous]
Charlie:Eyebrows!
Graham: (as Charlie) Give 'im the eyebrows!
Charlie: Eyebrows! Make the boy listen!
[Eyebrows punches Mark in the face]
Graham: (as Charlie) I said 'Make him listen,' not 'Punch him in the face!'
Charlie: Can you hear me?
Paul: (as Mark) No! I just got punched in the face!
Charlie: I ring you, you do the job. You don't do what I tell ya, your kid dies.
Graham: (as Mark) Okay.
Charlie: You don't do it where I tell ya, your kid dies.
Graham: (as Mark) Seems fair.
Charlie: You don't do it when I tell ya, your kid dies! You gettin' my drift?
Graham: (as Mark, calmly) Yeah, the kid dies.
Charlie: You want to see your kid alive, you do exactly what I say!
Graham: (as Charlie) And you'll do it with a smile!
Charlie: You talk to anyone, you're late, or you let me down, your kid dies! Do I make myself clear?
Paul: (as Mark) Well, what if I go skydiving?
Graham: (as Charlie) Your kid dies!
Paul: (as Mark) What if I forget to bathe?
Graham: (as Charlie) Your kid dies!
Paul: (as Mark) What if I kill my kid?
Graham: (as Charlie) Your... Touché.
Charlie: Such anger. What am I gonna do with you? (punches Mark in the face)
Graham: (as Charlie) Are you listening now?
Paul: (as Mark) I think you're confusing listening and being punched!
Charlie: When Bethanl Green are done with you, we'll bury you and your kid.
Graham: (as Charlie) We bury your kid, your kid dies!
Paul: (as Mark) Is there a non-kid death scenario that maybe we can talk about?

Grandia III

edit
[Two flowers are shown side by side]
Graham: (as first flower, whispering) Hey, Bob! I'm a flower!
Paul: (as second flower) So am I. Shut up.
[After Yuki "improves" his flying machine by sawing off its wing]
Yuki: She's lighter now, isn't she? Now she'll fly farther by a mile!
Paul: You could also take the engine out. That would make it lighter.
[Yuki ignores the complaints of mechanic Rotts]
Yuki: She'll fly.
Paul: (as Yuki) Are you a mechanic, or a me-can't-ic?
[Rotts and Yuki discuss their dreams of flying]
Yuki: But we've tried so hard. I just know we're gonna be the next ones to make it!
Graham: (as Yuki) I'm gonna be the Buzz Aldrin of flying across the ocean! You can be Michael Collins.
[As the two would-be pilots stare at glowing golden contraption]
Graham: When this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit!
[Scrambling to hide before Miranda's sudden arrival, Yuki clutches a rolled-up piece of paper]
Paul: (as Yuki) Must protect my Twilight poster! No one understands Edward like me!
[Miranda surveys the supposedly-empty hangar]
Graham: (as Miranda, loudly) Gee. Since no one's here, I guess I'll start lighting the plane on fire.
[Very quickly, she finds Rotts hiding in the plane's cockpit and smirks]
Graham: (as Miranda) If you think you being in here is going to stop me from lighting this plane on fire, you've got another think coming.
Miranda: (after discovering Yuki) When are you going to give up this nonsense and-
Yuki: And train to be a potter? I know, I know.
Graham: Wow, that'd be a terrible video game.
Paul: Final Pottery: Dirge of Kilns?
Graham: Pottery Quest.
Paul: Pottery of Mana?
Graham: Tony Hawk's Extreme Potting.
Paul: That's not really an RPG.
Graham: Well, it has RPG elements.
[Dialogue belatedly reveals that, although both look like teenagers, Miranda is actually Yuki's mother]
Graham: (as Rotts) Hey, Yuki, your mom is hot.
Paul: (as Rotts) Hey, Yuki, your mom is, like, three years older than you.

Two Worlds

edit
[During to opening narration]
Narrator: With the death of Aziraal, the continent became infested with the Taint.
Graham: Um...
Paul: I hate it when my taint gets infested!
[Two people are shown on horseback beneath a dreary grey sky]
Graham: (as first rider) 'Have a picnic,' you said. 'It'll be a nice day,' you said.
Paul: (as second rider, defensively) Well, I don't control the weather!
Graham: (as first rider) Well, what kind of mage are you? I bet Jeff could control the weather.
Paul: (as second rider) He's a weather mage! That's what he does! Look, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
Graham: (as first rider) Ugh, you know what? I'm just gonna collapse off this horse.
[Rider falls from the horse]
[The main character leaves his wounded sister, Kira, and horse and approaches an old cottage]
Graham: Knock knock, I'm selling Girl Guide cookies. We have chocolate, vanilla and Taint.
[A image of some plant life]
Graham: Does your garden look overgrown? Your plants might be infected.
Paul: Try new Taint-B-Gone today!
[The main character leaves the cottage and returns to where he'd left Keira, only to find that she's gone]
Paul: (as main character) Horse, you had one job!
Main character: Kira?
Graham: Mario?
Main character: Kira?
Graham: Snake!!
Main character: Kira!
Graham: Khan!!!
[A worker in a wheat field spots something]
Worker: 'Tis probably him!
Paul: 'Tis it?
Worker: Run! Tell the village elder!
Graham: (as elder) Stop calling me 'the elder', Gary. I'm two years older than you are.
[The main character wears a sword across his back, without any sheath or straps visibly keeping it in place]
Paul: Putting Velcro on your sword is an old adventurer's trick.
Graham: Clever.
[While waiting, the main character reads a letter]
Letter Voiceover: Your sister is alive...
[The main character pauses and looks up at the sky]
Graham: (as main character, frustrated] Damn it!
[The main character meets the elder]
Main Character: Good day to you. Are you the village elder?
Graham: (as elder, irritated) I'm forty-eight!

The Darkness

edit
[Opening narration]
Jackie Estacado: I remember the night of my twenty-first birthday...
Paul: Must not have been a very good party, then.
Jackie: That was the first time I died.
Graham: Yep. Jägermeister'll do that to you.
[The player is seated in the backseat of a car swerving violently through a tunnel]
Graham: See, I was convinced this was New York, but, judging by how they're driving, it might be Liberty City.
Paul: Nah, if it was Liberty City, the guy in the driver's seat would be asking the other guy if he wants to see big American titties.
[The car now speeds up and sirens blare, making any spoken words hard to hear]
Paul: You gotta hand it to these developers. They've really put a lot of hard work into accurately representing how hard it would be to understand a conversation during a car chase in a tunnel!
[Jackie, the player's perspective character, is taking a long time to load the shotgun he has been handed]
Graham: Wow, I hope he reloads faster than this in the actual game, because otherwise, you empty into someone and then you've just gotta... go make a sandwich while you wait.
Paul: Maybe this game is just a really complex gun-loading simulator.
[An impact with a pursuing cop car leaves one of Jackie's Mafia cohorts dangling over the edge of the convertible]
Paul: Now, now, don't hang your head out of the window- [The cohort is killed bloodily as his head bounces off a truck in the next lane] I bet you're pretty embarassed now.
[The words "Fire your shotgun" appear onscreen, beneath a 'right trigger' symbol]
Graham: (in a booming voice) God here! Fire your shotgun.
[The shotgun blast only cracks the windshield]
Paul: That didn't help!
Graham: (booming) Yours is not to ask why.
[The player's car has been racing in a top speed gun battle through a tunnel for a very long time]
Graham: I postulate that there is no tunnel this long anywhere on Earth.
Paul: What if this is the Chunnel? Like, between England and France?
Graham: That's trains-only, though. You can't drive through the Chunnel.
Paul: Maybe that's why everyone's mad at these guys. 'Cause they're not gonna tell us.
Graham: Well, they might. We just won't be able to hear it.

The Bouncer

edit
[A helicopter hovers above a building]
Pilot: (over radio) We've arrived at the target coordinates.
Graham: (as pilot) We were looking for a Wal-Mart, but Target will do.
[A door opens in the helicopter and men wearing strange-looking cone-headed metal cloaks jump out]
Graham: (as jump leader) I don't care how dumb you look in these suits! Go, go, go!
Paul: (as pilot) Were we supposed to attach cables to those guys?
Graham: (as jump leader) I dunno.
[The Mikado assault team units smash through windows and crush rooftop tiles as they land on an adjacent building]
Paul: Can these guys only travel by destroying property?
[Entering the Fate Bar, Dominique is shown speaking to a man leaning on a car parked in the middle of the floor]
Paul: (as Dominique) Look, you can't park here!
Graham: (as man, slurring drunkenly) Oh yeah, well, I don't- I don't see any signs...
Paul: (as Dominique) It's inside!
Graham: (as man, slurring) You're inside...
[Fifteen-year-old Dominique climbs the bar stairs to where Kou, a bouncer, sits drinking a beer]
Paul: (as Kou) Hey, there's a party in my pants and you're... underage. I hate this club!

Digital Devil Saga

edit
[The game opens with the words "No, Please..." appearing onscreen]
Graham: The game itself is begging for mercy.
[Serph and his band are shown crouching behind debris in a barren wasteland]
Paul: (as soldier) Well, this is the worst team-building retreat you've ever organized.
[Serph and one of his fellow soldiers prepare to move forward]
Other Soldier: New recruits are always available, but a leader is irreplaceable. Remember that.
Paul: (as Serph, impatiently) Um, I know. We were all at that lecture. It was mandatory.
[Serph's well-armed band attacks soldiers carrying only crossbows]
Graham: Well, this hardly seems like a fair fight.
Paul: Yeah, we've got these big guns. All they've got is these piddling little crossbows.
[An arrow hits a stone wall and deeply cracks it]
Graham: Well, they are armor-piercing-
[The arrow detonates and blows up the stone wall]
Graham and Paul: Whoa!
Paul: (whining) Hey, how come we don't get crossbows? All we've got are these crappy guns!
[Everyone surrounds a giant, tentacled plant pod]
Robotic Voice: Warning to the Vanguards. Remove the unidentified object at coordinates 2314-5873.
Graham: (as nearby soldier) 2314-5873? That's the kind of combination an idiot would have on his luggage!
Robotic Voice: Warning to the Embryon. Remove the unidentified object at coordinates 2314-5873.
Paul: (as other nearby soldier) 2314-5873? That's the combination I have on my luggage?

Run Like Hell

edit
[Opening narration over shots of space]
Nicholas Conner Shakespeare once said that there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Graham: (as Conner) But was Shakespeare in Aliens? No. I'm Lance Henriksen. Welcome to Run Like Hell.
Conner: Can good and evil be confused? Yes.
Graham: (as Conner) If you're stupid.
[A scene of a man being devoured by an alien cuts abruptly to main character Nick Conner, sitting at a desk and staring vacantly at the floor]
Paul: (whispering) Psst! Lance! Lance! You're on! Go!
Samantha Reilly: Nick?
Graham: (as Nick, startled) What?! I, uh, I wasn't dreaming about aliens!
[Nick sees his fiancé sucked into a vortex in the middle of the room]
Paul: Now, that seemed weird to me, but this is the future, so... maybe that happens all the time.
[Nick wakes up in his bed]
Graham: Wait, that was a dream too?
Paul: This game has so many different layers. (pause) They're all terrible.
[Nick and Samantha walk away from their superior, who was talking to a large reptillian alien]
Paul: (as Nick) Wow, did you see the captain's new boyfriend?
Graham: (as Samantha) I know, he's so young!
[All of the game's female characters are large-breasted, have cartoonish hourglass figures, and are wearing clinging catsuits]
Graham: I want to find the man who invented the skintight spacesuit and buy him a drink!
Paul: These guy's have really captured the spirit of Stanley Kubrick's 2001. Without all that "Good Movie" stuff.
Stinger: Run Like Hell. The game title that is its own safety instruction.

Onimusha 3

edit
[In the opening cutscene, a katana-bearing warrior hacks through hordes of opponents]
Graham: Gotta ask why the game isn't letting us play this part.
Paul: Yeah, it looks like fun.
Graham: Maybe it's worried that we'd screw it up and not look as cool.
[During the battle, a flying sting-ray creature flies into the side of the deck and pulls one of the horde out]
Graham: Ah, good. I was hoping that they had these guys, 'cos I was really looking for an accurate depiction of this time period and a lot of people do forget the giant flying snake monsters.
Paul: In feudal Japan.
Graham: In feudal Japan, yes.
[The hero's mask is sliced off in battle, dramatically revealing his face]
Paul: Oh, it's him!
Graham: Oh, wow, 'cause I totally thought it was...
Paul: Wait, who is that guy again?
Graham: Yeah, I don't know either.
[After obliterating the enemy army in a massive explosion, Samanosuke Akechi stands up to find the demonic leader of said army standing right behind him]
Paul: (as demon) You, sir... are a dillhole. We hadn't even paid that thing off yet!
[The game has cut away from an epic battle of demons and samurai in ancient Japan to an idyllic afternoon in modern France]
Paul: Meanwhile, in France...
Graham: How does this have any bearing on what we just saw?
[Just by the Arc de Triomphe, a woman is shown sipping coffee in an outdoor cafe]
Graham: I think maybe the game's getting a little off-message at this point...
[The woman looks up and sees a massive swarm of demons flying over a nearby building]
Paul: Hey! And we're on message again.
[The woman is brutally killed and the demons begin slaughtering Parisians]
Paul: (as demon) Excuse us! Could you direct us to Onimusha 3? Think we made a wrong turn somewhere.

Resident Evil 5

edit
[A man is shown kneeling with his head bent downward; a mysterious black-clad figure walks around him]
Paul: (as man) Wow. This is a really nice floor.
[The man desperately grabs the hand of the figure]
Paul: (as man) You! I must know your decorator!
Chris Redfield: (narrating) It didn't take long after the fall of the Umbrella Corporation for their bioweapones to end up in the hands of terrorists.
Paul: Judging from past Resident Evil games, I think it's safer to have them in the hands of terrorists than of Umbrella.
[An attractive woman walks onto the screen, her posterior centered in the camera]
Graham: Now there's an entrance.
Sheva: (addressing Chris) Welcome to Africa.
Paul: (as Chris, surprised) Africa?! Aw, crap.
Chris: So you'll be accompanying me to my destination?
Sheva: Yes.
Graham: (as Chris) By 'destination', I meant my bed. (quickly) You already said yes!
Graham: (as Chris) Man, this place is a dump, huh?
Paul: (as Sheva) This is my home!
Graham: (as Chris) Ooh...
[Chris walks past a guard Sheva has just bribed]
Graham: (as Chris) Hey, man.
Paul: (as guard) What's up?
Graham: (as Chris) Totally tappin' that later.
Paul: (as guard) Props.
Chris: (narrating) I have a job to do. And I'm gonna see it through.
Paul: (as Chris) That rhymes. That's how you know I'm serious.
Graham: (as Chris, flirtatiously) So, do you come here often or...?
Paul: (as Sheva, annoyed) Yes, I live here!
Graham: (as Chris) D'oh, right. Zero for two.
Man in Turban: You two. This way.
Graham: (as Chris) If I could that way, I wouldn't... wait. [N]
Man in Turban: You should do what you came here to do and go home.
Chris: Yeah, they really roll out the red carpet for us Americans.
Paul: (as Man in Turban) Ho, ho, I see! Your American sarcasm! Because we don't actually like you!
Man in Turban: I have your weapons for you here. Check them. (points to a briefcase)
Graham: (as Chris) Uh, no, that's a briefcase.
Paul: (as Man in Turban) Ah, they have trained you well!
[Sheva is shown checking her pistols from an angle that just so happens to put her cleavage in prominent view]
Graham: Yeah, just checking out the weapons here. ...and the gun looks fine too.
[Chris and Sheva enter a room with their guns drawn; Chris' posture and tight short-sleeved shirt emphasize his ridiculously overmuscled arms]
Graham: (as Chris, casually) So, uh, I can bench, like, five hundred pounds. Just puttin' that out there.
[From their hiding place, Chris and Sheva see the man just helped them being held down on his knees, on a raised platform, surrounded by a screaming mob, with a man holding a massive axe right beside him]
Sheva: Wait a minute, that's the...!
[She starts forward, but Chris stops her with a hand on her arm]
Graham: (as Chris, confidently) No, no. I've seen this kind of thing before. He'll be fine.
[A murderous mob advances on a cornered Chris and Sheva]
Graham: (as Chris) I mentioned how much I can bench, right?
Paul: (as Sheva) Not the time!

Star Ocean: The Last Hope

edit
[Over the opening title]
Graham: So, Star Ocean... bad times.
[On the commentary, a door is heard opening]
Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw: What are you guys doing in the toilet?
Paul: This is where we record.
Yahtzee: Oh. Well, budge over, I'll join in.
Graham: Oookay.
[The opening narration accompanies shots of warfare, including dozens of missiles being launched]
Narrator: Weapons of mass destruction...
Yahtzee: Some global power's compensating for something.
Narrator: The USTA began to implement its SRF Project...
Yahtzee: It's a space nipple!
Narrator: ...the Space Reconnaissance Force.
Paul: That's a good idea. Check up on space. Never know what it's up to. Take some pictures, too.
Narrator: Space date 10. [Paul sniggers] At last, the first official SRF mission...
Graham: I hope that when it gets to the point that we're flying through space, we come up with something more creative than Space Date.
Paul: How about Star Date?
Yahtzee: How about SHUT UP!
[On the first appearance of Edge, the game's protagonist; although male, he is, like most JRPG characters, rather androgynous and childish in appearance]
Yahtzee: That lady has a really deep voice.
[Reimi appears, shot from behind with only her waist and below in frame]
Reimi: Edge!
Yahtzee: (as Edge, surprised) An arse is talking to me!
Reimi: I knew you'd be here.
Graham: (as Reimi) ...in the Masturbation Room.
Edge: Boy, I just can't get away from you, can I, Reimi?
Graham: (as Edge) Curses!
Reimi: How long do you think we've known each other?
Yahtzee: (on Reimi) That little boy has a really high-pitched voice.
Reimi: How long are you going to keep treating me like a child?
Yahtzee: You're both twelve!
[after the conversation between Edge and Reimi, the scene cuts to outside the space station]
Yahtzee: It's all gone quiet.
Paul: Well, you can't hear anything in space, right?
Yahtzee: Okay, I'll buy that.
Graham: Yeah, but there should at least be music. I mean, even 2001 had music.
[as scene changes to the control tower, Graham starts humming the first bars of the Blue Danube until...]
Yahtzee: [annoyed] Yes, we get it!
[Commander Kenny meets with his superior, the corpulent Deputy Director Shimada; throughout the conversation, Shimada is inexplicably bobbing from side to side]
Commander Kenny: Moonbase Commander Stephen D. Kenny...
Graham: You bastards.
Kenny: ...reporting from Earth, sir.
Yahtzee: (as Shimada) Hurry this up, Kenny, I'm busting for a piss.
Shimada: A rather leisurely return for the great Earth hero "Lightspeed" Kenny, wouldn't you say?
Graham: (as Kenny) Hey. Only my wife can call me "Lightspeed."
Shimada: Very well. I leave the rest to you.
Graham: (as Shimada) I'm going to go and eat a stick of butter!
[After the clip]
Yahtzee: Well, that was piss-easy. I can't believe you get paid for this.
Paul: Oh, sorry. You think it would be better if we had a bunch of stick figures and swearing and a yellow background?
Yahtzee: (testily) There's a little bit more to it than that.
Graham: (chuckles dismissively) Whatever. Your thing isn't any harder than ours. I'll prove it to you!
Yahtzee: Bring it on, junior.
Graham: Oh, yeah? I will. (opens door) See you on Wednesday, Small Straight! (leaves)
Yahtzee: What?
Paul: (sighs) Okay. In the game of Yahtzee, a 'small straight' is when four dice line up sequentially. I believe he was meaning it as an insult.
Yahtzee: Oh, really? Well, I think I gave his mum a small straight last night. And she loved it.
Stinger: Using "small straight in that context doesn't sound very impressive. (smaller text) My mother is a saint.

X-Blades

edit
[After the episode's opening]
Paul: Man, did you see Zero Punctuation on Wednesday?
Graham: Uh, yes...
Paul: Those imps were hilarious!
Graham: [sarcastically] Thanks...
Paul: [suddenly remembers Graham's attempt at a Zero Punctuation review of this game] Oh right...
[Following a long period of grunting and humming from the characters in place of dialogue]
Graham: No one has dialogue.
[Graham and Paul start humming]
[The scantily clad main character suddenly pulls out two swords]
Paul: Huh? Where did she get those?
Graham: Uh, they were in her back pocket.
Paul: But she's wearing a g-string.
Graham: The back pocket of her g-string, then.
[on Ayumi]
Graham: See, I can tell from how little she's wearing, that I'm supposed to like this character, yet I feel myself turning on her.
Paul: Maybe if she was wearing less?
Graham: Hmmm...
Guardian: How did you find the temple?
Paul: (as Aumi) Uh, Mapquest?
Guardian: How is anyone still alive who knows the way here?
Graham: The door was open. You don't want people wandering in, close your front door.

Radiata Stories

edit
[The scene opens in a kitchen, with a pot and a kettle on a stove]
Graham: (as pot, whispering) Hey kettle, you're black.
Paul: (as kettle) Well, so are you.
[The main protagonist, Jack Russell, is given a sword by his sister, Adele]]
Graham: Okay, cut the cake.
Jack: Hey, Dad's sword.
Adele: Yes. Jack, this is your father's legendary sword, the Arbitrator.
Paul: It settles disputes out of court to the satisfaction of all parties? Wow!
(At Radiata Castle, the first round of the Knights Selection Trial is over quickly and the winner, Paul, re-enters the waiting room)
Graham: Oh hey, he won. How comical.
(Star's squire, Sebastian, jumps to his feet and runs through the door, to the sound of a whistle being blown)
Paul: Which you can tell because of that kazoo there.
Graham: (as heavy guardsman who enters at this point) I heard a kazoo, is something funny going on?
(Jack's turn is up, against Ridley Silverlake)
Graham: I'm expecting a slide whistle, any second.
Jack: All right, Ridley! Hope you're ready!
(Just then, the girl, who'd being sitting quietly in the corner up to this point, walks past him, as a flute chord is played)
Graham: (lets out a snigger while Paul bursts out laughing) Okay, that wasn't a slide whistle, but I'm counting it!

Quantum of Solace

edit
[Mr White steps out of his car outside his luxurious mansion]
Paul: (as Mr White) Ahhh! You know, I love my legs. I think my right leg is my favourite leg. I was going back and forth, but yeah, I-I think, I think my right leg, it is so great.
Mr White: (answering ringing cellphone) Hello.
James Bond: (over phone) Mr White?
Mr White: Yes, who is this? (immediately gets shot in right leg)
Paul: (as Mr White) OHHH! My favourite leg! How did he know?
[Bond drives up to White as he tries to crawl into his house]
Bond: The name's Bond, James Bond.
Paul: Now that sounds cool to us, but you have to remember he's had like, five minutes in the car to come up with a punchy one-liner.
Graham: And the best he came up with was his name?
[After some unseen gameplay where Bond takes down a helicopter, White crawls out of the wreckage]
Paul: (as Mr. White) That was my favourite helicopter! How do you know these things?
[During the opening credits, we watch the car chase from the beginning of the film]
Graham: (as driver of one of the pursuing vehicles) I can see myself in his bumper! (as car crashes and swerves out of control) Should have been watching the road...
[As they drive out of a tunnel, one of the pursuing cars crashes into the back of a reversing bulldozer]
Graham: Well, he just 'dozed off' at the wheel!
[After the credits, we see a search engine looking up proxy servers]
Paul: Proxy servers. Look, in Firefox, there is a setting to enter in proxy servers, okay? This is not a super-duper hacker thing. High schools use proxy servers to stop kids logging onto Facebook.
Graham: Well, maybe Mr. Bond is trying to stop Mr. White from updating his status to "Shot in favourite leg, being held in undisclosed location."
[Every time Mitchell is mentioned]
Graham and Paul: Mitchell!
[during Mr White's interrogation]
Graham: Hey uh Paul, what is that in the lower right hand corner (of the screen) there?
Paul: Well uh, it's kind of obscured but I think it says 'Skip' and there's a picture of an A button. (They're playing the Xbox version)
Graham: Oh. Has that... been there the whole time?
Paul: I'm pretty sure, yeah.
Graham: ...Awkward.
Graham: You know, Dame Judi Dench was in Hamlet, she's won an Oscar. What's she doing slumming it in Treyarch's Quantum of Solace?
Paul: I think Hamlet and Quantum of Solace are pretty much equal in terms of artistic merit. 'Course, Treyarch's Hamlet was a little disappointing.

Infinite Undiscovery

edit
[At the beginning of the cutscene]
Graham: What does Infinite Undiscovery actually mean?
Paul: Well, it was either that or Unfinite Indiscovery.
[A prison guard is wearing a helmet with long spikes sticking out at the sides]
Graham: Do you think these guys get made fun of for their helmets?
Paul: That's probably why he's hiding out in the dungeon.
Graham: Mmm... On the upside, if he ever needs to juice an orange, he has his ears handy.
[The guard gets killed by Ia slitting his throat]
Paul: I like how they have the flash of light as if she just whacked him when she obviously slit his throat and there should be blood spraying all over the dungeon right now.
[We see an overhead shot of the dead guard lying on an eloquent carpet]
Graham: But there's a nice Persian rug. This is a high-end dungeon, you don't want blood everywhere. And in my experience being attacked by knife-wielding anime chicks, that's not how it goes.
Paul: You have had a lot of experience with that?
Graham: I do.
Paul: Fair enough.
[Ia has freed Cappel, thinking he's Lord Sigmund, but Cappel is confused]
Cappel: Who are you here for?
Ia: You, of course, Lord Sigmund.
[Cappel looks around in confusion]
Graham: (as Cappel) Uuuuuhhhhh?
Paul: (whispers) Go with it! She's letting you out.
Cappel: Who?
[Graham and Paul groan in annoyance]
Paul: There will be time to question it after you escape!
[Two guards have knocked out Ia]
One guard: How'd a girl get in here?
Graham: Whoa, what?
Second guard: Seize him too!
Graham: So you're saying if a guy had broken in, you'd be totally okay with it?
Paul: As good as she is at breaking and entering, she just can't break through that glass ceiling.
[As the guards advance on Cappel, he tentatively picks up a sword]
Paul: Wow, it'd be pathetic if these battle-hardened soldiers were defeated by a guy who's never held a sword before.
[Scene fades to black as the battle begins and fades in on the defeated guards]
Graham: And thanks to a brief combat tutorial, they have.
Ia: You really aren't Lord Sigmund, are you?
Graham: Ouch!
Paul: She was lying on the floor unconscious and she could still tell?
Ia: Alright, now we need to think about getting out of this place.
Paul: I was kinda hoping you'd thought about it before breaking in.
Cappell: Me?
Ia: Of course.
Cappell: No thanks. I stay out of danger.
Ia: I'm telling you that I'll help you escape.
Cappell: I didn't ask for help.
Graham: Dude, what's your damage?
Ia: I don't care if you want my help or not. I couldn't forgive myself if I left you behind.
Paul: If the banging chick in the short skirt wants to break you out of prison, go with it!

Ace Combat 6

edit
[Melissa Herman is reading a book to herself then she looks up]
Paul: (as Melissa) Wait a minute, I can't read.
[The scene shows a golden statue of a man sitting on a throne, wearing a huge suit of armor]
Melissa: (narrating) The king was a gentle person who was a bit on the small side. (Graham and Paul giggle) But he crafted a giant suit of armor that convinced his enemies to surrender without a single fight.
Graham: So unlike Napoleon, his small man complex actually worked.
Melissa: Afterwards, they found such warmth in his smile that they bowed down to him in humility.
Paul: Which brought them down to just about his eye-level.
Graham: Small guy.
[After the narration, two jet planes had fired missiles at the King's Bridge, destroying it and making Melissa cry out at the loss of her daughter]
Melissa: I vaguely hear a scream of terror that sounds much like my own voice from afar.
Graham: (as Melissa) And I was like "Shut up, I'm trying to scream in terror over here!"
[During Melissa's next bit of narration]
Graham: Oh, I just realized where I recognize that voice from. I'm getting Eternal Sonata flashbacks.
Paul: Okay, just calm down, okay?
Graham: Oh no...
[As the opening credits roll, Melissa explains the backstory of the game while still shots and newspaper clippings show across the screen]
Paul: Oddly named government organizations, newspaper clippings, we're reading into Metal Gear Solid intro territory here.
Graham: It's true. And it furthers my theory that this is the voice actress they get to come in when they just need someone to spout ten minutes of bullshit.
Melissa: Before long, they went so far as to invade our nation, the Republic of Emmeria.
Graham: That's not America.
Melissa: Our military was forced to retreat to Khesed, an island far to the west.
Paul: (as Melissa) Our military pretty much retreated right away. We are a cowardly people.
[During the retreat, Melissa and the crowd are forced to walk along the road, passing by some parked tanks]
Melissa: Some of our tanks are parked at the approach to the bridge.
Graham: As opposed to protecting our cities, dickweed!
Paul: Nation of cowards...
[Melissa, still despondent over her daughter's apparent death, suddenly spots something next to the tank]
Melissa: Here I see the wreckage of a jet that was shot down. On what's left of the nose, I can make out some writing.
Graham: -Uck you, bitches?
Melissa: "Melissa".
Graham: Oh.
Melissa: It's my name.
Paul: What are the odds?
Melissa: (in despair) What a cruel twist of fate for me to see this.
Paul: Okay, so she's walking along this road and she sees the wreckage of her daughter's school bus and then immediately afterwards her husband's crashed plane. This is a depressing road.
Graham: (as Melissa) And then as I walked along, I saw a box of the cutest puppies in the world, and they all violently killed themselves in front of me.
Paul: (groans in dismay)

Far Cry 2

edit
[The game opens with a ride in the backseat of a jeep]
Graham: Hey, why can't I ride up in the front?
Paul: 'Cos the booster seat only fits in the back.
[As the ride continues]
Graham: I'm getting some severe flashbacks to The Darkness.
Paul: Ooh, maybe we'll go through a tunnel!
Graham: If they can figure out someway of putting a tunnel in the African savanna, I'm sure they will.
Paul: Fingers are crossed.
[A car speeds by, cutting you off]
Paul: What? Ah, typical. You know, there's only one road and one car, and it cuts you off.
[You drive past a group of slowly moving people]
Graham: All right, from a car the zombies from Resident Evil 5 don't seem nearly as frightening.
Paul: No no, they're not zombies, remember.
Graham: Oh, right, they don't move like any zombies I've ever seen.
Paul: Exactly.
Paul: Hey you know a few less abandoned cars and this would be like one of those National Geographic adventures.
Graham: (hums National Geographic theme tune)
Paul: Safari!
[Later...]
Graham: Actually, if there was just a bit more wildlife, this would be Pokemon Snap.
Paul: Oh yeah, that totally works.
[The car stops at a herd of water buffalo]:
Graham: Oh hey look, it's a Water Buffalo-emon. (as buffalo) Buffalo Buffalo BuffaloBuffalo BuffaloBuffaloBuffaloBuffalo.
Paul: And that's a complete sentence.
Graham: I'm tellin ya, you gotta buy land in Africa, the real estate market is on fi- (Paul interrupts him to stop the pun, as the area ahead is literally on fire)
[The radio comes on]:
Radio Host: This is Liberation Radio, speaking the truth for the truth seekers.
Graham: (As Radio Host, mimicking Three Dog of Fallout 3) Speaking the truth no matter how bad it hurts. This is Three Hyena. (Howls)
[The driver switches off the radio as they approach a checkpoint]
Driver: They're not fans of the DJ. Maybe his music choices, who knows.
Paul: Those guys have had a vendetta against that DJ ever since they missed out on Nickelback tickets.
Graham: And you don't wanna know what they did to the guy who was caller number 9.
Graham: I guess the difference in Africa is that cab drivers don't pick up white people.
Paul: Aha, social commentary!
[after driving through the savannah for some time]
Paul: Hi, I'm John from CryTech. You know, our engine can make amazing expansive outdoor environments, in case it wasn't really obvious by now.
[A large military convoy passes by]
Graham: (As soldier) Don't mind us, just goin' to get some ice cream.
Paul: (As Main Character) Why do you need so many people?
Graham: (As soldier) Because if we try to bring it back, it melts before it gets there.
Paul: (As Main Character) Makes sense.
Graham: Now, Half-Life was a good game, I'm not disputing that, but does every first-person game now have to start with the five minute long scene of your guy in a vehicle just looking at stuff?
[As the car approaches a burning home]
Graham: You see what I mean about the housing market? It's on fi-
Paul: NO!
[As the car arrives at its destination, the main character's view becomes increasingly yellow]:
Graham: (As main character) Wait, was it "Don't wink at the waiter or don't drink the water?" Damn their thick accent. (You pass out)
[The main character wakes up in his room, still sick, and see his main target rifling through his files]
Graham: I will not be staying at this hotel. You don't tip the bellhop, and he starts rooting through your stuff.

Lost Odyssey

edit
[An armored vehicle stops and soldiers wearing large hats with one giant loop in it exit]:
Paul: (as soldier) No one can defeat our silly hats.
Graham: (as another soldier) Our silly hats shall prevail.
[Another army appears wearing tall tower-like hats]:
Paul: (as soldier from the other army) No, our silly hats shall prevail.
Graham: Yeah, I honestly don't know who has the sillier hats in this situation.
Paul: I think if this battle was based solely on hat silliness, they would be pretty much even.
Paul: (realizing) Oh I see what's going on here. They're ones and zeros.
Graham: Oh it's binary!
Paul: Yeah, this is like ReBoot, right? This is what's going on in your computer when you try to launch Firefox or something.
[One soldier impales another with a spear]:
Graham: Oh, he just clicked on something. And...(someone steps on the impaled soldiers' face) double click.
[A large war machine with a hammer and and large red glowing lens]:
Graham: (mimicking HAL 9000) Stop Dave, it's hammer time.
[The tall-helmeted soldiers have taken out the looped-helmeted guys, but then several tall towers launch magic spells at them and resurrects the fallen soldiers]:
Graham: Interestingly, this might be the first time that I've ever seen resurrection magic used in an RPG cutscene.
Paul: Oh yeah, this thing is basically just a big Phoenix Down dispenser.
Graham: I guess everyone was just knocked unconscious then.
[The battle resumes but the camera moves to the main character who is in the middle of it, fighting the "ones"]:
Graham: What the-? Where did he come from?
Paul: I bet that's what they're thinking too.
Graham: But he's not a one or a zero.
Paul: I think he's a memory leak.
[The main character is easily defeating everyone]:
Graham: And we weren't focusing on this guy before because...
Paul: And miss the giant hammers?
[The main character manages to block a blast of fire from one of the hammer-machines with just his sword]]:
Graham: He must have stolen that sword from an Onimusha game because Samanosuke can block anything.
Paul: Ah, but Samanosuke, he could have blocked it while facing the opposite direction.
[The sky opens up revealing a volcano and lava and rocks begin pouring into the battlefield]:
Graham: Today's weather forecast, very warm, so bring that sunscreen.
Paul: The heat sink has become unseated, I believe.
[The lave begins to overwhelm the battlefield, decimating both armies and their machines]:
Paul: You know, people casually try to overclock their system and they don't really see the damage it does. All those poor little ones and zeroes... So sad.
Graham: Exactly. Even when you get that little prompt asking you if you want to force-quit your pirated copy of Barbie's Horse Adventure, there's a lot riding on that. They just don't think about that.
[The lava pours over the protagonist, who just stands there.]:
Graham: And that was fourth time I died. Actually, I rescind that, I am positive he survived.
Paul: Yeah, it's not even surprising anymore.

Alone in the Dark

edit
[The game starts with the main character gaining conscience, while several men a talking aside.]:
First Man: [Panicking] ...they came out of his body like they were alive!
Second Man: Get a grip dammit!
Graham: [As second man] Hug me you fool!
[A button prompt appears indicating that clicking the right stick clears your vision]:
Graham: OK, wow. I have a blink button.
Paul: Well that's handy I guess.
[The protagonists view grows increasingly unfocused and blinking is actually a voluntary action in this game]:
Graham: I have to keep doing this?
Paul: [Sarcastically] Well that's efficient.
[Another man becomes conscience across from you, and one of the men punches him in the face]:
Paul: [With a corny 1920s mobster accent] Shut up, ya chowda head!
Graham: Remember, press L2 to inhale, and R2 to exhale. Mash X repeatedly to digest your lunch. You can also use both analog sticks to control your kidneys.
Paul: That doesn't leave that doesn't leave that many buttons left to actually walk.
Graham: That's why the game comes with foot pedals.
[The thug escorting you is pulled through a door to a darkened room, and while he tries to escape, he is pulled in and blood sprays out of the doorway.]:
Paul: So...
Graham: Cockroaches.
Paul: Yeah, happened to my brother once. Gonna have to tent the whole place, fumigate, take about a week, but we've got you covered.

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand

edit
[The game fades in with an overhead view of an arena in the middle of a concert, subtitles appear 11:57 Last show of the tour]:
Paul: Also the first show of the tour. It was canceled immediately for reasons that will become obvious in this cutscene.
[The camera smash-cuts to 50 Cent, who is finishing the show]:
Graham: Now you listen to me young man, do not drop that mike I am- (He intentionally drops the mike) Now we won't get our rental deposit back. Thanks.
[50 Cent is threatening the concert manager with a shotgun as he was not paid yet]:
Graham: Is this how 50 Cent conducts all of his business dealings?
Paul: Well, the guy was shot 9 times.
[The concert manager opens a wall safe to retrieve a jewel encrusted skull to pay off 50 Cent]:
Concert Manager: This belonged to Olda. The skull of Odesa-
Paul: Odesa, Texas?
Concert Manager: -the head of his favorite wife, famed for her beauty. He covered it in diamonds when she died and kept it by his bed.
Paul: (As concert manager) Don't ask why.
Concert Manager: The skull is priceless.
Paul: We'll see what eBay has to say about that.
[As the group is driving through the streets, the manager is warning 50 about the gangs]:
Manager: Pray you never meet the Harvester. Cross him-
Paul: (As manager) He will take all your corn.
[The transport is being ambushed and they try to blow up the truck]:
Graham: Wouldn't kidnapping 50 Cent be worth more than the skull?
Paul: Who's gonna pay money for 50 Cent, come on.
Graham: Well you could force him to perform concerts for you.
Paul: Or you could stop him from performing concerts for you.
Graham: Well, either way, there's advantages.

E3 Trailers

edit
[Final Fantasy 14: A line of text appears saying "There is a land embraced by mighty gods...]:
Graham: Now, show us on this doll where the mighty gods embraced you.
[The game shows a massive island]:
Graham/Paul: (Hums Jurassic Park theme)
[Line appears, saying "Under the eldritch veil of a crimson shadow...]:
Paul: Ooh, someone had their thesaurus out.
Graham: Yeah, this looks like it was written by a 15-year old who just discovered D and D
[We see a wide shot of three heroes and a chocobo]
Graham: (as movie announcer)This summer, one man, a bigger man, a woman and a large mutated chicken are Earth's last hope.
[The title and logo of the game appears. The logo has many bladed weapons pointing out]:
Graham: Super Bowl XIV (14)!
Paul: That's the second pointiest logo I've ever seen..
[Edge of Twilight: the trailer opens to a chimney spewing thick smoke]
Graham: This game is going to have to buy an awful lot of carbon credits.
[The trailer's announcer has a very deep voice that sounds very grim]
Graham: Boy, Three Dog sounds really depressed in his later years.
Trailer voiceover: Glaring beacons of sullen prosperity.
Graham: (as voiceover) This is Three Dog. (gives very grim howl)
Trailer voiceover: We called the dead heroes and blamed everybody but ourselves.
Graham: Yeah, Steve!
Paul: Blame the dead. I mean what are they gonna do about it? They're dead.
[After a very obscure trailer, we see the title Edge of Darkness]
Graham: Well, congratulations. You've told us absolutely nothing about your game.
[Huxley: we see a close-up of a man with scratches on his cheek and blood trickling down his head]
Graham: He must have really pissed off his cat.
[The blood reaches the corner of the man's eye and makes him blink]
Paul: (winces) Oh, it's just like having shampoo in your eye.
[Wide shot of a moon split into two pieces]
Graham: Alright, who broke the moon?
Paul: Damn it, Steve. We only had one of those.
[During a battle between two armies wearing armour with ridiculously big turtlenecks, one of the blue soldiers disappears into thin air]
Graham: (as invisible soldier) I'm invisible!
Paul: (as other soldier, annoyed) Yeah, we know you're invisible, Dave.
Graham: You know, I blame Warhammer 40,000 for popularizng the space marine armor you can lose your head in.
[The invisible soldier makes it to the top of a building and as he slides, becomes visible again]
Paul: So he turned invisible, ran through a building, ran up the stairs and then turned visible again? Was his ex-wife in the building?
Graham: It wouldn't have been deadly, just really awkward.
[A member of the red soldiers is firing a machinegun turret but then it stops firing]
Red Soldier: I'm out of ammo!
Paul: Don't shout it out. (as red soldier) I'm very vulnerable right now! Somebody could attack me, especially from behind! I'm very weak back there!

Haze

edit
[As the title comes up]
Graham: Hmm, that reminds me, what's the smog rating for today?
[We fade into a wide shot of the sky with the sun up]
Carpenter: My name is Shane Carpenter.
Paul: I'm the sun.
Carpenter: I was born into a world of war.
Graham: Craft.
...
Carpenter: I was born in 2023.
Paul: The name of the place is Babylon 5.
Soldiers: Boosh!
Graham: The Marines have oo-rah, these guys have boosh.
[As a group of planes swoop overhead, the soldiers start whooping and cheering excitedly]
Graham: I know it's because they're high all the time, but in stark contrast to something like Halo or Gears of War, these marines are actually kind of fun.
Paul: Yeah, I would totally like to hang out with these guys.
Graham: Yeah, they're not just giant meatheads that grunt.
Paul: They are a little overly excited about airplanes though.
Carpenter: Alright, that's us. Scramble!
Graham: With two eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and orange juice.
Paul: Did you just order breakfast in the middle of this cutscene?
Graham: I'm hungry!
[The scene suddenly fades to black then fades back to the same scene]
Paul: Oh sorry, I just had a really long blink there.
Graham: Aaah, don't talk about blinking!
...
Graham: Why did they feel it necessary to fade out then fade back in on exactly the same scene?

Damnation

edit
[During the intro, we see a black-and-white picture of Abraham Lincoln with some Confederate soldiers and some steam-powered robots]
Graham: What, mechs and Lincoln? Oh, fingers crossed for Mecha-Lincoln!
[We then go into a battle on a bridge between the Resistance and an advancing robot army]
Graham: Man, the Civil War would have been way cooler with robots.
Paul: They had robots during the Civil War.
Graham: What, really?
Paul: Yeah, why do you think the Union always wore blue?
Graham: Oh... okay.
[Behind the robot army, the commanding officer, Selina, issues out commands. She is wearing a shirt that shows off her cleavage]
Paul: I don't think that shirt is historically accurate.
Graham: And the robots are?
Paul: Yes.
[Seeing the words on the side of the robots' steampowered tank]
Graham: PSI? Ah, so this battle is actually to determine what unit of pressure to standardize on; pounds per square inch or the pascal.
[A warrior then jumps into the human army and starts cutting them down with a katana]
Graham: Oh, and ninjas as well, apparently.
Paul: Yeah, Civil War ninjas.
Graham: (disbelievingly) Really? That was a thing too?
Paul: Yeah, Abraham Lincoln was a ninja. Why do you think he wore that hat everywhere? There was a blade in it like Oddjob.
Graham: Did not know that.
Paul: Well, now you do.
Graham: Wait a minute. If Abraham Lincoln was a ninja, how did he get assasinated?
Paul: Well, John Wilkes Booth was also a ninja. In fact I think that might be him right there.
[Three steampowered motorcycles race into the scene, led by Captain Hamilton Rourke who is wearing a wide-brimmed hat]
Graham: Paul Hogan?
[Rourke swerves his bike sideways and starts shooting down robots]
Graham (in Australian accent with each headshot) G'day. G'day. G'day.
...
[As the bikes screech to a halt]
Graham: Paul Hogan is Crocodile Dundee as Mad Max. I'm sorry, it's the hat.
Paul: Yeah, I could see it.
[Rourke and his team destroy the bridge, but then a tank rolls up and starts rebuilding it with special tracks]
Graham: What?
Professor: Damned clever.
Graham: That wasn't clever, that was goofy!
Paul: You have to admire their forethought. I mean, they had the bridge-building truck right there.
Graham: You know guys, just 'cause you couch your game in steampunk doesn't mean you can make stuff up.
Professor: Rourke, what are you doing?
Rourke: I need to find out what happened to Daydon.
Resistance Leader: There's nothing here. I told you...
Rourke: I have to be sure.
Graham: Wait, is he gasp not playing by the rules? Ah, where would we be without the cliched male lead of an action game?
Paul: A JRPG?
Graham: Oh yeah. You know, today I would welcome that.
[The Resistance's airship has landed and everybody runs aboard]
Graham: (as pilot) Uh, this is your captain speaking. We're taxiing to the runway now.
Rourke: How do we know we can trust you? I know quite a bit about Terra Verde.
Yakecan: How do I know I can trust you, "Captain"?
Resistance Leader: Enough!
Paul: (as resistance leader) I don't trust either of you!
Graham: (as pilot) Uh, this is your captain. I frankly don't trust the three of you.
Yakecan: We have no idea where they will take him.
Rourke: No. But there is someone who will.
Paul: (as Rourke) Zombie General Mecha-Grant!
Graham: Wow, I'm learning a lot of history today.

Bionic Commando

edit
[An overhead shot of a city getting hit by a nuke]
Paul: Now, I'm all for a ruckus party, but I think when there is radioactive fallout, things might have gone too far.
[We hear the narration of how the main character was imprisoned]
Joe Gibson: Sentenced to death. And ready for the end.
Paul: I sympathize. I am also ready for the end.
Joe: This is where our story begins.
Graham: What? You can't begin at the end. That's terrible narrative flow.
[The main character, Spencer, sans his bionic arm, is taken to an airplane hanger where Joe is waiting for him]
Joe: Spencer, you finally arrived.
Graham: (as Joe) I was just passing the time narrating.
Joe: (to the guards) Let him go.
Paul: And you can take off his handcu-... Oh.
Spencer: What the hell do you want with me?
Graham: They're having a three-legged race and I got confused.
[While Joe is giving Spencer his orders, behind them, a person fixing a plane gives a very random Wilhelm scream]
Graham: Just ignore Wilhelm back there, nobody likes him that much anyway.
Joe: The clock is ticking on this, Spencer. Are you in, or out?
Graham: Raise one hand for in, two hands for out.
Spencer: We've still got one problem.
Paul: (as Spencer) I'm unARMed.
Joe: That's been taken care of.
[We now see Spencer's bionic arm being lowered into a pod]
Graham: (as Joe) Here, let me lend you a HAND.
Paul: Now he's going to be ARMED and dangerous.
Graham: (as Joe) I hope you like it. I got it at a second-HAND shop.
Paul: You guys might want to settle in. We got a million of these.
[The tutorial section is skipped]
Graham: Later, having left the ARMory...
[We see two jets speeding towards Ascension City]
Pilot: Cloudsplitter One to base, over.
Paul: You have a really pussy nickname, Cloudsplitter One.
[Having shot the pods containing Spencer and his arm into Ascension City]
Cloudsplitter One: Package delivered. Heading home.
Graham: (as Cloudsplitter One) This is CS1, the HANDoff is complete. We're heading back home.
[Spencer gets out his pod and finds himself in a dilapidated office complex]
Paul: This place could really use a HANDyman's touch.
[Spencer locates his arm and plugs it into his shoulder, causing him to scream in agony]
Paul: AH, why did we make it hurt? Seemed so bad-ass at the time.
[The excruciating pain makes Spencer collapse to the floor]
Graham: He could really use an ARMchair right now.
Paul: So it hurts him and then knocks him unconscious. That was a good design decision.
[In a flashback, we see Spencer pinning down a man with his bionic arm]
Graham: I say, unHAND me! (between each punch that Spencer gives the man) Ow... Ow... Ow...
Paul: (as Spencer) Better hope my arm doesn't get tired or else I'll switch to the other one.
[A soldier wanders through the darkened corridors towards the pod that held Spencer's arm]
Paul: (as soldier) Hmm, I wonder where this trail of unused left-handed gloves leads.
[Spencer has used his bionic arm to take out the soldier]
Graham: Ladies and gentlemen, Bionic Commando. Let's give him a HAND.
[Graham and Paul start clapping as the scene fades to black]
Paul: (sighs) And with Bionic Commando at our side, I hope that someday we can bring everyone together and reach a ceasefire.
Graham: (puzzled) I don't, um...
Paul: An ARMistice?
Graham: (sighs heavily) Okay, shut it down.
Paul: Yeah, that's probably for the best.
Stinger: Backhand, Heavy-handed, Deckhand, Freehand, Handful, Handheld, Handshake, Arm-load, Arm-rest, Disarmament, Armada, Iron Fist, Elbow Room. We could go on.

Valkyria Chronicles

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[The residents of Bruhl are evacuating the city to escape the invasion, but the main character, Welkin, is heading in the opposite direction]
Graham: The locals don't seem like they're in much of a rush to flee the invasion.
Paul: Well, it looks like this guy is pretty much the entire invading force.
[As he's walking, Welkin looks towards a nearby stream and sees some fish swimming in it]
Welkin: Whoa.
Paul: (as Welkin) Fish!
Welkin: Already?
Paul: (as Welkin) At this latitude?
[Welkin runs up to the stream, kneels down and beams at the fish]
Welkin: Hey there guys.
Graham: (as fish, in squeaky voice) Hey, what's up?
Paul: (as another fish, also in squeaky voice) Hey, how's it going?
Welkin: You're beautiful.
Graham: Thanks.
Welkin: Starting early this year.
Graham: Yep.
Welkin: You're heading upstream, huh?
Graham: It's what we do.
Welkin: How's the water?
Paul: I don't know, it's water, right? I mean we're fish. How's the air, douche-bag?
[Welkin takes out his sketchbook and starts to draw the fish]
Graham: (as Welkin) Alright, this'll be great for my fish diary.
Paul: (as fish) Hey, what are you doing there, perv?
Graham: (as Welkin) Dear Diary, today I saw some fish. And later... (at that moment, a gun clicks behind his head, making him start) I wet my pants.
[We get a first look at Alicia Melchiott, who's wearing a blue and white dress, as opposed to the soldiers behind her who are wearing matching military uniform]
Graham: So, you guys don't have much of a dress code, do you?
[Despite his claims that he's innocent, Welkin gets grabbed by the two soldiers]
Welkin: (sighs) Thanks, fish.
Paul: (as fish) Hey, don't blame us, perv.
Graham: (as other fish) Yeah, ass.
[Further down the road, Welkin's sister, Isara finds him]
Isara: What have you gotten yourself into now, Welkin?
Graham: (as Welkin) Well, I was trying to get myself into this fine lady's pants, but I guess that won't happen now.
[Imperial soldiers suddenly appear and start gunning down the evacuating forces]
Paul: Now I know people are being slaughtered in the streets, their houses are being destroyed and grenades are exploding everywhere, but with this painterly graphics and this fuzzy white border, I'm still relaxed.
[After the soldiers are defeated, Alicia is seen standing over their bodies]
Paul: Oh I've got it! I just realized who she reminds me of. Her hair totally makes her look like Klonoa.
Graham: Oh yeah!
Soldier: Miss Melchiott! There's no other sign of the enemy.
Paul: (as soldier) Uh, turns out those guys were our guys. Sorry about that.
[Welkin and Isara are watching in silence]
Graham and Paul: We have nothing to add to this scene.

Wolverine Uncaged

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[Subtitle: "In the not too distant future..."]
Graham and Paul: (singing to the tune of the MST3K theme) In the not-too-distant future, next Sunday A.D., there was a guy named Wolverine, very different from you or me.
Wolverine: (narrating) I'm the best there is at what I do. At least the people still living after I'm done doing it say that.
Graham: Well, you can't be that good if there are people still alive when you're done.
Paul: Well, he gives them a letter of recommendation before he kills them.
Graham: Ahhh.
[After Wolverine kills a soldier, he retracts his bloodstained claws and runs from gunfire]
Graham: So when he sucks his bloody claws back inside his body, does the blood go inside as well or does it get like wiped off on his hand?
Paul: Ah, I never really thought of that. Wow, you'd get some really bad STDs that way.
Graham: Yeah. I mean, he's got the healing factor, but still...
[Two armed soldiers approach Wolverine's hiding place]
Paul: Now these guys don't have Wolverine's enhanced sense of smell, but frankly they don't really need it.
Graham: Just follow the smell of beer, sweat and loneliness.
[Wolverine leaps over a broken wall and attacks some soldiers]
Graham: That's some of Hugh Jackman's dance training coming through there.
Paul: Yeah, I mean, it's probably not any consolation now, but you guys are gonna be killed by a Tony Award winner. That's cool.
[The game flashes back to Wolverine on a helicopter. Subtitle: Many years earlier...]
Graham: Alright, so this is many years before the not too distant future.
[Cut to outside helicopter. Subtitles appear, "Africa 06:00]
Graham: At six.
[As the helicopter passes overhead, a rocket shoots out of the jungle, narrowly missing it]
Paul: Aw, you missed.
Graham: No, no, I put backspin on it. (as he speaks, the missile turns and hits the chopper)
Paul: Nice!
[As Wolverine plummets out of the air, anti-aircraft fire shoots at him, naturally causing him little damage]
Graham: Uh, attention guys shooting at him, if the fall doesn't kill him, the bullets will only piss him off.
[The scene goes into slow motion as Wolverine drops onto a soldier, claws drawn]
Graham: That guy really has time to think of all of his decisions that led to this moment.

Devil May Cry

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[At the opening menu, when New Game is selected, we hear a shot]
Graham and Paul: Ahhh!
Paul: I just picked New Game, you didn't have to shoot me in the face.
[In a darkened alley at night, we see a woman suddenly appearing in front of the moon]
Graham: (as Vincent) Dammit, moon, I knew you were up to no good!

Metal Gear Solid 4 Part 1

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{The video opens on Graham and Paul in their recording studio, each wearing fake mustaches and examining what looks like a triceratops head. After a while, they both look up.}
Graham: Oh hi! {tosses triceratops head aside} I'm Graham and this is Paul and we're the creators of Unskippable here on The Escapist. Now, normally we try desperately to ignore fan requests but ever since we started back in January, there's been one fan request that we've been trying to ignore above all else: Metal Gear Solid 4.
Paul: The problem we had is that we felt that we really couldn't do justice to the almost eight hours of cutscenes of MGS 4 in the five to six minutes of a regular Unskippable update. It is no exaggeration to say that we would literally not get to the title screen in that amount of time.
Graham: So as a result, we've decided to devote the entire month of August, five Unskippable updates, to Hideo Kojima's epic Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.
Graham and Paul: Enjoy.
{Pause}
Graham: {whispers} Why are we wearing these again?
Paul: What if Hideo Kojima doesn't like it? Do you want him to know what you look like?
Graham: Oh right, good point.
{We see a barren desert road in the game. A crow is perched on the body of a soldier.}
Graham: {as crow} Hey folks, I'm Russell. I'll be here during the opening titles picking at odd corpses.
Paul: Hey, I didn't know Russell Crowe was in this!
Graham: {sighs}
{Three trucks loaded with soldiers appear on the road.}
Paul: If those guys are the reinforcements, they really shouldn't have stopped at Starbucks before they got here.
{Further down the road}
Paul: {as passenger in middle truck} Where are we going?
Graham: {as driver} I don't know, I'm just following the guy in front.
Paul: {as passenger} Well, where's he going?
Graham: {as driver} I don't know! He's got the map. No one tells me anything!
Paul: {as driver of lead truck} Hey, if you guys don't shut up back there, I'm gonna turn this convoy around and nobody'll kill anyone today!
Graham: {as middle driver} Ohh...
{In one truck, we see Solid Snake in disguise.}
Snake: {narrating} War has changed.
Graham: Uh, according to Ron Perlman in the Fallout games, {as Ron Perlman} "War. War never changes."
Snake: {narrating} It's no longer about nations, ideologies, or ethnicity.
Paul: It's about who has the best tacos.
Snake: {narrating} It's an endless series of proxy battles fought by mercenaries and machines.
Paul: Taco machines.
Snake: {narrating} War, and its consumption of life, has become a well-oiled machine.
Paul: Oiled with taco grease.
Graham: {concerned} Um, Paul?
Paul: I'm hungry, okay?
Snake: {narrating} War has changed.
Graham: You did mention that, yeah.
Snake: {narrating} ID-tagged soldiers carry ID-tagged weapons, use ID-tagged gear.
Graham: {as Snake} Have ID-tagged dance parties.
Paul: {as Snake} Wear ID-tagged underwear. You really don't want to wear somebody else's ID-tagged underwear, let me tell you.
Snake: {narrating} War...
Graham and Paul: {at the same time as Snake} Has changed, yes, we know.
Snake: {narrating} When the battlefield is under control... war becomes routine.
Graham: Oh, you're not kidding. Look at this: wake up, shower, war, breakfast, war, lunch, war, tea, light war, dinner.
Paul: You have war before breakfast? I could never get up that early.
{As the battle rages in the streets, we see a sniper hiding on the roof of the building, while another soldier next to him points out targets.}
Graham: Now that guy on the right, he has a cush job. He just tells the sniper who to shoot.
Paul: {as soldier} Yeah, shoot that guy.
Graham: {as sniper} Uh, why him? He's on our side.
Paul: {as soldier} He slept with my wife.
Graham: {as sniper} Oh, okay.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Part 2

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Metal Gear Solid 4 Part 3

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Metal Gear Solid 4 Part 4

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Metal Gear Solid 4 Part 5

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Red Faction: Guerilla

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Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

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Dark Sector

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Prototype

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Dark Messiah

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Viking

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Too Human

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Genji: Days of the Blade

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Borderlands

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Final Fantasy XII

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