United States of Tara

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Max: Where's Mom?

Marshall: I'm not sure if Mom's here. I mean-Mom's here but I don't know if "Mom"'s here.

Tara: Am I high?

Marshall: Maybe a little bit.

Tara: Listen, I want to thank you for being such a strong, supportive kid. I'm lucky.

Marshall: We're lucky, Mom. Because of you, we get to be interesting.

Tara: Do you like being interesting?

Marshall: I love it!

Marshall: Mom?

Kate: No. Mom keeps her ass-crack in check. It's "T".

Marshall: [He turns around and sees a pink thong] I can see that now.

Aftermath [1.2]

Tara: [as Alice] What is it?

Kate: Just having a weird day.

Tara: Well, snap yourself out of it. We're here to have a nice dinner.

Kate: I don't wanna have a nice dinner.

Tara: Kate, I know you aren't fond of me, but I'm concerned about your development as a young woman, just like your mother. You're promiscuous. You aren't guarding your flower.

Kate: What do you want, Alice?

Tara: I want to let you know that even though I deeply disapprove of the way you carry yourself, your mother loves you very much.

Kate: [scoffs] Yeah?

Tara: Yes. She wants you to know she didn't mean to over react about those pills you brought home. She just doesn't want you being "intimate" at your age. Because she had you at 19 and that was quite a hardship.

Kate: I'm not a hardship. I'm awesome.

Tara: You're a graceless ingrate, ha.

Kate: You mean a slut? A girl who likes boys, who lets boys know she likes them? A girl who orgasm's, who moans and moans and screams in ecstasy? A girl who sucks and fucks, a girl with absolutely no back-door shyness?

Tara: That's it! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap.

Kate: Ha ha! You've got to be kidding me.

Tara: [shoves liquid soap into Kate's face] Try me!

Season 2

Yesterday was a long day of the week [2.1]

Buck: I'm your man.

Ted: We're the gays - but I guess everyone knows that.

Kate: Do I need to take a piss test?

Tara: Why does this feel like a small victory? I bet everyone thought that I would be the one to off myself. But guess what Oak Avenue? The lady with all the personalities is not the most fucked up person on the block.

Kate: You are now.

Max: Chinese checkers - I've got Chinese checkers here!

Tara: It's an apron relax.

Marshall's school friend: Send a red carnation from your little closet.

Trouble Junction [2.2]

Buck: I couldn't stay away from you Pammy.

Tara: Nothing else is going to happen between us because I am trouble, okay? I am trouble.

Marshall: You're fucking face is the fucking gay size.

Tara: Honey has it occurred to you that now that I am better you are just looking for another project.

Kate: Yeah that's me, I am a working girl now.

Charmaine: We were raised to believe we should eat dog sh*t and you get use to eating dog sh*t.

You Becoming You [2.4]

Tara: Hey Charm - you're going to be a great mother.

Max: Who's the parent around here?

Kate: No one!

Tara: I don't trust these small town locals - I am too...

Courtney: I think it's supposed to be hard.

Kate: Got it, like Barbie - no holes.

Max: Hey buddy, just in time for a little Billy Jack time.

Marshall: Starting to hate you.

Charmaine: On you know what I realized this morning? My bedroom window overlooks the Hubbard backyard and it has quite a view!

Tara: What happened to your neck?

Max: A door-to-door werewolf.

Doing Time [2.5]

Charmaine: I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neal.

Kate: (to Marshall) I saw your girlfriend earlier, did you kick her like a meth habit?

Pammy: I don't know your wife, I had a thing for Buck.

David: (Referring to Kate) I thought you said your mom was psycho.

Charmaine: As a family we are completely fu**ed.

Kate: Why does Mrs. Butterworth need to be black? And Aunt Jemima too. That's some fucked up racial pancake shit.

Marshall: Mrs. Butterworth isn't black; she's just filled with syrup. She's clear.

Kate: Hmm...she's a clearcasian.

Kate: Do you even know what that means?

Marshall: No not really.

Courtney: Why can't you come clean with me?

Marshall: Just because I don't share every single thought in my head about you does not mean that I'm a liar! You want to know the truth? Here it is. This was never a real relationship! You are so fucked up in your head that you just don't get it! You're so afraid of finding out who you really are. You'd rather be married to someone you KNOW is gay than risk being rejected by someone who could actually love you!

Tara Gregson: [as Alice] Young man, that's no way to speak to a lady.

Marshall: How could I love you, Courtney? I'm embarrassed for you! But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I am a decent human being. Because I've learned in my life that as much as I want to tell my sister that she's not as clever or special as she thinks she is or tell my aunt that she's a pathological narcissist or tell my dad to wake up because my mother's D.I.D. disease is just going to bury us all. It's better to keep my goddamn mouth shut!

[Tara suddenly drops the tray of tea and begins shrieking as Gimmy emerges and begins breaking things around the living room]

Max: Oh nice going, Marshall! I hope you like your new foster family!

Dept. of F'd Up Family Services [2.7]

Courtney: Why can't you come clean with me?

Marshall: Just because I don't share every single thought in my head about you does not mean that I'm a liar! You want to know the truth? Here it is. This was never a real relationship! You are so fucked up in your head that you just don't get it! You're so afraid of finding out who you really are. You'd rather be married to someone you KNOW is gay than risk being rejected by someone who could actually love you!

Tara: [as Alice] Young man, that's no way to speak to a lady.

Marshall: How could I love you, Courtney? I'm embarrassed for you! But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I am a decent human being. Because I've learned in my life that as much as I want to tell my sister that she's not as clever or special as she thinks she is or tell my aunt that she's a pathological narcissist or tell my dad to wake up because my mother's D.I.D. disease is just going to bury us all. It's better to keep my goddamn mouth shut!

Max: Oh nice going, Marshall! I hope you like your new foster family!

Explosive Diorama [2.8]

Marshall: People don't know I'm gay unless I'm blowing them.

Lionel: What did you guys do together anyway? It?

Marshall: Just kiss and a... little dry humping.

Lionel: Must've been tough to stay dry.

Lionel: Tommy Bahama is like Ed Hardy for sixty-five year old fat men.

Lynda: I gave up on the white floor bright light scene a long time ago and I feel much better here.

Marshall: God stop with your pimping actions - just let a young man live his life.

Charmaine: I fucked up okay - I so f-ed up, but please don't put me out on the streets. Help me believe in love.

Guy: Do you have any cake?

Kate: Cake? Why?

Guy: I was hoping you could sit on it.

Kate: Let's see you took every single thing from my favorite place in the world and made it yours so ya know I think I will pass.

The Family Portrait [2.9]

Tara: What's going to happen to us - what's going to happen to our family?

Max: I don't know. I don't know.

Marshall: Nothing too splashy and in your face?

Lionel: I might be splashy and in your face if you're not too careful

Lionel: You're so wrong it's adorable.

Lionel: Sometimes other peoples sh*t is just theirs.

Shoshanna: Max is very much in need right now of a firm gentle hand. Trust me, I know what to do.

Pammy: You were worried about me?

Max: Yeah I was.

Open House [2.10]

Kate: Hey do you know anyone who's happy?

Marshall: No.

Tara and Charmaine's mom: Oh honey, you're so pretty, but you've always made decisions like an ugly girl.

Lionel: I feel so bad for breeders. Being gay is like living in a buffet.

Marshall: And people say romance is dead.

Tara: Do you do that to me? Make up wildly heightened emotions just to manipulate me into being there for you?

Charmaine: Of course not. Only to mom.

Kate: I get it your rich - whoop diddly Dee...Zack can have anything he wants.

Zack: That remains to be seen.

To Have and to Hold [2.11]

Tara: Is every single thing just lurking beneath the surface?

Charmaine: I hope not.

Lionel: He kissed each one of my eyelids. It was as close to perfect as I ever felt.

Tara: Don't forget to be yourself.

Kate: Ha ha and ha mom.

From This Day Forward [2.12]

Tara: [to Charmaine about their father on her wedding day] You're going to let a man who basically gave you away, give you away?

Tara: Mom's going to do that thing where she holds up her arms open like she's a warm person.

Charmaine: Max, could you do me a favor and hot-glue gun her lips together?

Lionel: A person who stands for nothing, spends their life sitting down.

Marshall: Just so you know, I'm tired. I need to sit down sometimes.

Lionel: Deep down inside, you believe marriage is for pussies and dicks.

Zach: I would have to say yes.

Tara: He told me we have a brother.

Charmaine: A brother? Come on.

Tara: Yes. He said it in a totally disjointed, early Alzheimer's dad-like way, but he said you and your sister have a half-brother and I was married before I met your mom.

Charmaine: Well, let's see. Dad thinks Bob Hope is still alive.

Season 3

...youwillnotwin... [3.1]

Marshall: [Looking at the camcorder's viewfinder that shows a zoom-in on Neil's exposed ass-crack above his trousers' waistline] That's not an ass-crack, it's a full-blown *ass-chasm*.

The Full Fuck You Finger [3.3]

Max: Please tell me you're looking at porn.

Tara: Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, then... yeah. Big-Tim.

Tara: Flighty 19-year-old in Japan. We are either terrible parents or... visionary parents. I don't know.

Max: Mm, little of both.

Charmaine: I'd rather have Tara.

Alice: No offense, I'm sure. And non taken. Tara is the sister, I know... Even though she's not acting like one at the moment.

Charmaine: Well, Kate leaving probably has something to do with it, too.

Alice: Oh, you raise them as best you can, and then they toss you aside, like last season's handbag. Poor Tara. Her heart is in pieces.

Charmaine: Well, it's probably good she took a few hours off, then.

Alice: Mm. That's what we think.

Charmaine: "We"?

Alice: All of us on the inside. We have an arrangement. It's like that new film with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. We each take the key when we need the apartment. I get the body when the mother needs help.

Dr. Hatteras' Miracle Elixir [3.5]

Dr. Hattarras: [handing over a stack of papers] ... in the mean time give her this.

Max: [taking the papers] What's this?

Dr. Hattarras: Her *Declaration of Co-Dependence*

Tara: [as Alice:Noticing the freeze frame of her son's dead body in the short film on the TV] Oh My goodness. What's that on the TV?

Noah: Doesn't have a title yet. Right now we're calling it *Human Remains of the Day*

Bunny: Passengers are vermin. If someone has a pulse and a lump of coal in place of a soul, they will be on your flight. We need to prepare.

The Electrifying & Magnanimous Return of Beaverlamp [3.7]

Charmaine: Well, last I checked, your partner didn't take a job out of state and leave you home with a wailing infant.

Kate': Where is that infant?

Charmaine: oh, shit. (Storms out)

Tara: Oh, how's your film going?

Marshall: In my head, it's unique, nuanced, but when it comes out, it's like... A frog doing somersaults on a field, and you can't see the frog 'cause he's too green and you can't hear him cause the grass is too soft.

Max: Dudes! I got a lot to be cheerful about. I got a red-hot sexy mama in my kitchen making me a chow-down, a couple of clicks away from my 30th birthday party. Huh? My job uses negative 5% of my brain. And I recently rediscovered Chastity Stargazer.

Charmaine: Who?

Max: My vintage Fender Stratocaster electric guitar.

Charmaine: "Breath of my soul"?

Max: Yeah, it's like "Peter Gabriel meets Sting."

Charmaine: Must they meet?

Tara: How goes it in there?

Max: Like exhuming a corpse. Amps are buzzing, my song's terrible, Ted won't quit messing around. (Ted is heard screaming in the other room) I just put myself on suicide watch.

External links

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United States of Tara