Trailer Park Boys

Trailer Park Boys is a popular Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Season 1 (2001)

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.

Randy: I've only got two left. I'm not giving you any.

Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.

Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!

[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!

Cyrus Obviously you didn't hear me when I said, "Clear out your own shit." Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced, because those were the crème de la crème.

Julian: I want you out of this park.

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, number one: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here. There was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers

[A dog barks off in the distance]

Ricky: Shut up! You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya! I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!

Julian: Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! [cuts to Julian inside the trailer] Well, I've been out of jail for a week now, and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.

Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.

Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.

Ricky: Stop fucking barking!

[Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his pistol]

Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!

Ricky: Shut the fuck up! [to Julian] Squirrels and dogs and assholes! [fires off his pistol once more] Shut up!

Julian: Ricky! Ricky! Hold your fire! [walks towards Ricky] What are you doing?

Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.

[The dog continues to bark]

Ricky: Asshole. [fires off his pistol]

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.

Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: I can't handle this livin'-in-a-car shit.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: Listen to this shit. [fires his pistol again]

Julian: Get in the car. [pushes Ricky into the car] Get in the car.

Donny: STOP FUCKIN' FIRIN'!

[Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking]

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?

[The dog continues to bark]

Ricky: Assholes. [brings out his pistol]

Julian: Ricky! [stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand] Listen, give me that gun. [takes the pistol]

Ricky: You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.

Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.

Ricky: I can't sleep!

Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.

Ricky: Why?

Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.

Julian: Think, Ricky, think.

Ricky: I can't sleep is the problem.

Julian: Go to sleep.

Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?

Julian: No more of this shit.

Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.

Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. [gives Ricky his pistol back, then walks off] Go to sleep. Idiot.

[The dog continues to bark]

Ricky: Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! [fires his pistol]

Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile. Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start.]

Bubbles: I want my kitty.

Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't. Never said you could keep him.

Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

[Julian storms out of his trailer]

Julian: Will both of you guys shut up?

Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!

[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]

Ricky: Look. You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]

Julian: Stay in the car!

[Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]

Julian: Bubbles, take your cat. Get out of here. Ricky, you stay in the car.

[Ricky struggles to get the door open]

Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!

[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]

Julian: CALM DOWN!

Ricky: FUCKIN' LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT THAT CAT BACK! I NEED HIM!

Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer. Through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard.]

Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever, and...I mean, it was--it was a long time ago, and...you know, nothing really happened.

Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up, and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but, I don't know. I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]

Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.

Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.

Lucy: Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!

Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose duct-taped to the side of his car]

Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustrated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park. It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out. I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need, and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Jim: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?

Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?

Jim: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach "living in a car and growing dope 101"!

Ricky: And you could teach "how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt, and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good 101".

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]

Ricky: What are you doing, Julian? The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sarsaparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian: Get out of my way.

[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]

Ray: What are you doing with the tones, Julian?

Julian: Get off my property, Ray!

[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]

Ray: What? What? No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky: Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky. If he doesn't want me here, I'm goin', man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky: It's my property!

Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]

Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Julian: I'm not joking, Ricky.

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!

Julian: Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!

[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]

Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?

Ricky: What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? "Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!" I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show, and I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!

[Jim rolls past slowly]

Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!

[Jim drives off]

Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.

Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?

Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.

[J-Roc and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]

J-Roc: What's goin' on, honkies?

Ricky: J-Roc?

J-Roc: Damn, you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some brute up in that muhfucka!

Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face.

Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...

Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...

J-Roc: Actually, if you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!

Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?

J-Roc: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!

Ricky: Well, if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! [to Julian] Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto.

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]

Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?

Julian: Why?

Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.

Julian: They're greasy.

[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]

Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.

Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?

Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money, he'd probably do one.

Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

J-Roc: You gonna be a great big star, Gee! Muhfuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there? You know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Reveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-Roc: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-Roc, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause muhfuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?

J-Roc: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?

Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?

J-Roc: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? And you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!

Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...

J-Roc: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?

Victoria: J-Roc, I think you're saying it way too much.

J-Roc: Sayin' what?

[all three simultaneously]

J-Roc: Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.

Victoria: Know'm sayin'.

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With the Love Bone]

Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.

Ricky: [bad Russian accent] Everybody freeze. What's going on here?

Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?

[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]

Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.

Bubbles: Sergeant Boris, what's going on here?

Ricky: Corporal Alexi, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.

Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!

[Stacy gives Ricky (censored) oral sex, but he can't get it up]

Trevor: Testicle difficulties, please stand by.

Ricky: [normal voice] J-Roc, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy,\ and...I don't know what's...I...I need about 5 minutes here.

J-Roc: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-Roc: Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's softcore, right? Know what I'm sayin'? It's still gonna play in hotels and all that, and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?

Bubbles: Well, if it's okay with her, I certainly would.

J-Roc: That aight?

Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.

J-Roc: Aight.

Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Ricky is trying to threaten Jim into relinquishing the porno tape]

Ricky: Just remember, Lahey, what comes around is all around.

Jim: Don't you mean what's all around comes around, Ricky?

Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.

Jim: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]

Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey, and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well, and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it. He's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to, that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

[Jim is smoking a cigarette. Cuts to the Shitmobile playing music, which stops before cutting back to Jim and Randy. Julian throws his water bottle out of the Shitmobile.]

Randy: Made it. Look, he just friggin' littered right in the park for god sakes.

Jim: The son of a bitch.

Randy: What an asshole.

Jim: I don't. Eye. Eye. Goddamn cigarettes everything.

[Ricky flips Jim off]

Randy: See, they're just lookin. They're trying to get us goin', eh?

Jim: I--you know. You know, do you know what recidivism is, Randy?

Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.

Jim: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A1 class act recidivists up there. Look at him.

[Ricky gets out of the Shitmobile to make the Fuckmobile stop]

Ricky: Fuck off!

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.

[Trinity takes a bite of a weed brownie]

Trinity: These taste funny!

[Trinity throws the weed brownie into the yard]

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]

Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for forty-five minutes.

Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!

Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!

Ricky: I don't give a--I'M BLEEDIN' TO DEATH HERE! YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT! LOOK AT MY ASS!

Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.

Ricky: LEVI?! FUCK LEVI! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!

Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies, I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death, all right?!

Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog, all right?!

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?! ME OR THE DOG?!

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?!

Julian: SHUT UP!

[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]

Ricky: Fuckin' bleedin' to death here!

Julian: Come on, Levi.

[Levi answers]

Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.

Ricky: You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?

Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.

Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG BROWNIES!

Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!

Ricky: HE ATE THEM!

Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!

Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'!

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawnmower]

Julian: Here you go. Break in.

[Hands Ricky a crowbar]

Ricky: Why do I have to break in?

Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!

Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.

Julian: Hurry up!

[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]

Ricky: Jesus Christ!

[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]

Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!

[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn. Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all.]

[Ricky grabs the boom mic]

Ricky: Hey, retard! Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!

[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]

Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well, sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]

Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the fuck is that guy? What do you want?

Julian: Relax, Ricky.

Ricky What do you want?

Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Ricky: Nothing.

[Farmer shoots at them]

Sound Guy: FUCK! AH FUCK!

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Get in the truck!

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKING SHOT! Ahh, fuck!

[Julian drags Sound Guy in the truck]

Julian: RICKY, GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FUCK! Cover me, man! I'm fucking shot again here!

[Julian fires off shots]

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKING SHOT!

Julian: HOLD YOUR FIRE! SOMEBODY'S HURT HERE!

[Ricky and Julian are driving home, only to be met at the entrance to Sunnyvale by Lahey and Randy. Randy is shining a bright light right at them.]

Ricky: Oh, for fucks sakes. [sighs] Fucking kidding me!

Jim: [Peering into Julian's truck] And how's our little gunshot victim tonight?

Ricky What's this shit?

Jim: It is my duty to inform you…

[Two kids carrying glass bottles approach the front gate on bikes and skateboards. Randy quickly notices.]

Randy: Bottle kids!

[Julian, Ricky, Randy, and Lahey take cover]

Jim: Jesus!

[The kids throw their bottles at Julian’s windshield, shattering upon impact]

Jim: Christ!

[The kids make their getaway]

Randy: Get back here, you little buggers!

Ricky: Go deal with that, Lahey, instead of worrying about us!

Jim: Just relax, Ricky. We're taking care of it.

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

Ricky: Knock knock, boys.

Trevor: Who's there?

[Ricky gives them two middle fingers directly in their faces]

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! [runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing]

Ricky: You give me that beer back!

Julian: Ricky, shut up!

Jim: This is drunk and disorderly!

Ricky: You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey. Lahey, Ricky, get over--

Jim: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Julian: Lahey--

[Ricky bumps into a beer box]

Jim: What?

Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.

Jim: We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Julian: Well, get him out of here. [pushes Randy away] Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? [holds the cigarette to his waist] 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Julian: Ricky-- [drags him away]

Jim: You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

Ricky: [points to Jim] You owe a beer, [points to Randy] and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Jim: Come on, Randy.

Ricky: Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy: What?

Ricky: Fuck off!

Ricky: [While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich] The thing is, when you're shopping for a ring, you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things. She's gotta have a nice ring.

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?

Cop: Jim...Jim, my dad Jim?

Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.

Cop: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?

[At the supermarket, the boys are wearing pantyhose masks, armed with various guns, robbing the store. The employees put their hands up.]

Cory: Everybody down!

Trevor: This is a robbery!

Julian: Everyone keep calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody! We just want some food! Stop fuckin' around! Get in position!

[Trevor pumps his shotgun, Bubbles and Julian are stealing a bunch of hotdogs, and Cory and Trevor are stealing chip bags and bananas]

Cory: This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.

Trevor: Holy shit. So cool.

Cory: What the fuck do you have so many bananas for, dude?

[Cut back to Julian and Bubbles stealing hotdogs, then to Cory and Trevor]

Cory: Fuck with the corkscrews and shit, man.

Trevor: Fuck. Why are you always telling me what to do?

Cory: There are fuckin' bananas in the cart, dude. We don't want bananas at the wedding. No one eats bananas at the wedding.

[Meanwhile, Ricky wanders into the store to buy cigarettes and goes to the checkout line, where the cashier has their hands raised. Ricky doesn't seem to notice.]

Ricky: Lose some smokes.

Cory: Hands up!

[Ricky pulls out his pistol and fires it at Cory, sending the cashier diving for cover and triggering a shootout. Trevor fires his shotgun, while Bubbles fires his Uzi]

Bubbles: Holy fuckin' Jesus! What the fuck have they doing?

[Trevor continues to fire his shotgun and Cory is firing his pistol]

Julian: Put your gun down! It's us! It's us!

Ricky: Julian!

Julian: Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky: What the fuck's going on here?! I just came here for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory: Sorry, dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky: [to Julian] You're stupid, [to Cory and Trevor] you're stupid, [to Bubbles] you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky: You could've killed me over there! The fuck?!

Julian: Ricky, shut up! [points to the surveillance camera] Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, for fuck sakes! [shoots the surveillance camera]

[Outside the supermarket, the boys are frantically loading their looted groceries into their truck. Police sirens can be heard in the distance.]

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory: Out of the way, dudes.

Trevor: Aw shit. [picks up a bag of chips]

Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!

[Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck]

Julian: Come on, move!

Ricky: Retarded. What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Ricky: Fuck off, boys!

Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!

Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Julian: Leave the cart!

[Ricky throws the cart away]

Bubbles: Come on!

Ricky: Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!

Bubbles: Jesus Christ!

Julian: Get in!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are FUCKIN' DUMB!

Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?

Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down, Julian!

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: I'm pissed off! [points to Bubbles] I'm pissed off at you, [points to Cory and Trevor] and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!

Julian: Ricky.

Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!

Julian: Ricky! Would you--

Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!

Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!

Bubbles: [crying] Can everyone just please stop it?

Julian: Oh, look what--You're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!

Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Season 2 (2002)

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?

Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do? Go to EI and say, "Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' check, please." That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Jim: Oooh, nice Mall Cop uniform, Ricky!

Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey. I'm not in the mood.

Jim: I beg your pardon. I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall Cop like you, Rick.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Jim: Who's there, Rick?

Ricky: Somebody.

Jim: Somebody who?

Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on you from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life! Now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard

[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

Julian: What are you guys doing?

Trevor: We're helping Sam.

Cory: Yeah, man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.

Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.

Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.

Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.

Ricky: Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.

[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers and throws the sign]

[Jim Lahey gets on the podium to make his speech]

Jim: Test...[microphone feedback]...test...test...

Donnie: GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!

[Jim's courage falters, but a moment later, Randy shows up to give his support]

Jim: Who in this park - or even, who in the whole world - doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while, and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway pissing themselves, huh? I'm being serious. Or who doesn't have a--a little puff from time to time? Or who doesn't have problems [looks at Randy] with the people they love? Randy...everybody...now I apologize for my neglect of the things that are most important to me. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. 'Cause this park...is the most important thing in my life, and it always will be, and so will all of you! 'Cause this is our home. This is our COMMUNITY! ...I'm Jim Lahey, and I am your trailer park supervisor. Thanks for coming...Randy...everybody.

[Randy starts clapping. Everyone else gathered also erupts into cheers and applause.]

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]

Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f... [trying to hold back tears] stupid fucking dope plants!

Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.

Bubbles: Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]

Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big, melted fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles: You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.

[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]

Sam Losco: What the fuck?

Bubbles: All right, arsehole, clean up this fuckin' garbage!

Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call animal control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep!

Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

The Bible Pimp

Tanya: Have you read the Bible?

Bubbles: Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?

Hampton: Can you read, my son?

Bubbles: Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian: I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]

Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?

Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.

Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.

Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either, 'til you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Jim: Okay, boys. Rule number one: no living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.

J-Roc: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about, you know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for twelve dollars a month, you know'm sayin'? That makes this muhfucka an income property, you know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this muhfucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma', you know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' muhfucka go on, 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.

[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]

Tyrone: That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!

J-Roc: Oh, hang on.

[J-Roc leans his ear to Randy's gut]

J-Roc: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go? You know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Order me some too, man!

[Bubbles laughs]

Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]

Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian, what's this bullshit?! Fuck.

[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]

Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!

Julian: Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.

Ricky: Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T. Don't we, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.

Lahey: Bingo.

Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy: What's up, Rick?

Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy: Gummiworms. Okay. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

[Julian nods "no"]

Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian: Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.

Randy: All right.

Ricky: Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian: Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles: The "J" is like an "H", Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."

Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles: Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Jim: Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview right now with a warrant.

Ricky: Bullshit!

Julian: What are you talking about, Lahey?

Jim: You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.

Ricky: This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.

Bubbles: Holy shit.

Ricky: Great guys, what are we gonna do now?

Bubbles: I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?

Ricky: I don't know.

Julian: Meeting inside, let's go!

Bubbles: What's a shit rope?

Ricky: He's drunk. I don't fucking know.

Bubbles: Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

The Bare Pimp Project

Bubbles: What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?

[Cut to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers]

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Bubbles. Don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight. I got shot a little bit. It's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.

[Cut back to the boys]

Bubbles: I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for having that much dope and guns.

Julian: Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or something, I'll take care of it, I promise.

Bubbles: But you guys will get in big trouble.

Ricky: It's no big--we've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothing. [Sees a helicopter in the distance] What the...aw, fuck, great! A heli-fucking-copter!

Bubbles: Oh, God!

Pilot: Bravo Tango 1, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 103 in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.

Ricky: [leans out the window] Get the fuck out of here! There's nothing to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm calling the cops 'cause you're flying way too fucking low, you assholes! [gets back in the vehicle] Fuck, this sucks right now.

Julian: This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.

Ricky: Fucking Cyrus. Fucking Sam.

Bubbles: There's a helicopter behind us!

Ricky: No shit! Just keep driving, we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.

[Cut to a cat standing in the middle of the road]

Bubbles: Is that a kitty on the road?

Ricky: I need a fucking--

Bubbles: THERE'S A KITTY ON THE ROAD!

Julian: NO!

Ricky: DON'T DO IT!

[The Bronco swerves violently, causing it to crash]

Bubbles: [Gets out of the Bronco] Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!

Ricky: Son of a bitch!

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky!

[Ricky and Julian get out of the Bronco]

Pilot: Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.

Ricky: I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!

Bubbles: I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky!

[A rooster crows and bubbles hides behind a hay bale]

Julian: Come on, boys. Let me think.

Bubbles: We gotta hide!

[Sirens are wailing]

Julian: Boys! The cops! Ricky, give me your gun!

Bubbles: I'm getting out of here!

Ricky: Boys, the hash! The hash is still in the trailer! We gotta get it!

[A cow moos]

Julian: Ricky, Ricky! There's no hash in the trailer!

Ricky: What?! You smoked all the hash?!

Julian: I sold it this morning! Check it out, the evidence is on fire! They can't do shit to us!

Bubbles: Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this fuckin' wire!

Ricky: Cone on, guys! We gotta get out of here!

Julian: We're not leavin'!

Bubbles: Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this! Fuckin' wire!

Ricky: Come on, both! We gotta get out of here!

[Julian and Ricky pulls up Bubbles]

Bubbles: Help me out!

[The cow moos again]

Cop: Freeze! Nobody move!

[The other cops arrest the boys]

Ricky: Alright, everybody calm down here! Get this fuckin' cop around here and just calm down! This guy's totally innocent! He's a farmer came out to help us out of he wreck, he saved our lives and you guys are gonne be sued if you arrest him cuz he's innocent!

Bubbles: That's right! That's right! I can't see that well and I tripped into that wire! I don't even know what's fuckin' going on here! [The cow moos again] The helicopter over there! The cows are scared! [The cow moos again] Everybody can get the fuck off my property!

Pilot: Two suspects in custody. Headquarters has identified another vehicle approaching. Jim Lahey, trailer park supervisor from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. The other man with no shirt is Randy.

Jim: Hey, boys! Good luck back in Con College!

Ricky: Fuck you, Lahey! Gets this fuckin' helicopter out of here! Come on, guys! You know this now right now!

Jim: Julian, you owe me $500 damage to the Airstream.

Julian: Not a problem, Lahey. I'll give it to you as soon as I'm released.

Ricky: Which would be in a little bit, 'cause we didn't do anything wrong. There's no evidence. Nothing happened. We're on a little vacation here, guys. Had a bit of an accident. Calm down. You guys don't got shit. You don't have jacked shit. There's no fuckin' evidence. Nothin'. I want your bathrooms, 'cause I'm soon here.

Julian: Everything's cool here, Ricky!

Ricky: If they think we're going to jail, they're fuckin' dreamin'! I'm suing your families, your grandparents and your fuckin' pets! I need a cigarette here! Fuck sakes!

Bubbles: [Feeds the cow] There's the food that you like. Eat very tight. There you go.

[The cow moos again]

Bubbles: Pretend like you know me.

Season 3 (2003)

The Kiss of Freedom

Ricky: Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now.

Julian: It's alright, man.

Ricky: What time is it, Bubbles?

Bubbles: It's 11:30, Ricky.

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]

Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fucking light up in the bank!

Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

Unknown Man: Uh oh.

Julian: Ricky, calm down.

Ricky: Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shopping. We need some gifts, come on.

Julian: Ricky, we're gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.

Bubbles: Bingo.

Julian: You got it?

Ricky: Fuck investments, Julian.

Julian: Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.

Ricky: I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.

Bubbles: Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fucking money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.

Julian: Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money?

Ricky: Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35? I thought we were fucking retired!

Bubbles: Uh oh.

Julian: Calm down.

Ricky: I grew the fucking dope! It's my fucking money!

Bubbles: You can't scream "dope" out in the bank.

Ricky: Dope, dope, dope-itty fucking dope, dope!

Bubbles: Here's security.

Ricky: Fuck.

Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles: Perfect!

Julian: I can explain this.

Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fucking cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leaving!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]

Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Jim: That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Jim: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Jim: Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Jim: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5,000 down.

Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.

Jim: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow? That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?

Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.

Jim: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky: Gimme a fucking pen!

Jim: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go, and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fucking thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and it's been a big part of my life, but... You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like, "No, you're not fucking going anywhere, because I'm gonna fucking stall on you," and it pisses you off!

Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done, because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot? You shoulda saw her.

[The Shitmobile stalls out]

Ricky: Yeah, you know what's coming, don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that old Yorker. [Unwraps a Tootsie Pop] Purple.

[Lucy appears with a lawyer to collect unpaid child support. The lawyer's face is censored.]

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the tracksuit.

Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky: And I'm a fuck offer.

Lawyer: Richard, hi. I've heard so much about you. [Hands Ricky some papers]

Ricky: What the hell is this?

Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? [Hands the papers to Bubbles] A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles: Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father, am I, Trinity?

Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, okay?

Ricky: Some do!

Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky: [Over megaphone] Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks, and I want to see some fucking fireworks! Come on!

[Standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]

Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?

Lucy: Yeah, what?

Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?

Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.

Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.

Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]

Ricky: Just a second, buddy.

[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]

Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky: [to camera crew, drunkenly] Hey, stop fucking filming me in here.

[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]

Bubbles: The fuck are you filming him pee for?

Ricky: Turn off the fucking camera!

[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]

Ricky: [to camera] Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]

Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. The way I see it, I bought the bikes. I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy. That's the way it works around here.

Jim: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.

Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like nine years old.

Jim: Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!

Ricky: So what's the damage?

Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky: What? For a bunch of fucking books?

Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky: Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Jim: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky: Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Jim: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]

Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!

Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah: My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky: Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.

Jim: [unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

Jim: Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]

Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky: Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]

Randy: That's enough!

Trevor: I can't believe he did that!

Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?

Jim: Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian: Leave him alone.

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over two years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say, "Uhhh, sorry, sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that." I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Bubbles: Who's there, Ricky?

Ricky: A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation.

Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy: It's still my walkie!

Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "It's my walkie now," second thing is "You're suspended," and the third thing was "Fuck off."

Jim: Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here, Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Jim: Ricky.

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]

Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking. Like, I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together. We're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is showing Cory and Trevor how to steal gasoline]

Ricky: Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. Okay? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

[Trinity throws grass at Cory and slaps his arm three times]

Ricky: What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Cory: Will you please. For God sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?

[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again]

Cory: Stop it. Stop it.

Ricky: Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.

[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again and they fight each other]

Cory: Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.

Ricky: Are you gonna fight my daughter who's nine years old?! 'Cause you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?

Cory: Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!

[Trinity pushes Cory back]

Ricky: Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum, and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? 'Cause I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.

Trevor: [spits gas out of his mouth] Sneeze, old man.

Cory: Man, I'm felling sick, dude.

Trevor: Then we should stop doing this.

Cory: Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.

Trevor: Yeah. I guess it's not that bad.

Cory: Aw shit! Security Dude!

[Cory runs away]

Trevor: Well, fuck, man!

[Trevor takes the gas containers and the security guard grabs Trevor]

Trevor: What the fuck are you doin'?!

[The security guard falls over and Trevor runs away with the gas containers]

Trevor: Fuck you!

Prosecutor: Thank you, Mr. Lahey, for your expert testimony, and for providing this very illuminating tape. Your honor, I think the video evidence clearly speaks for itself, and that any sane and rational person would have no choice but to convict these individuals of these ridiculous crimes.

Ricky: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck.

Prosecutor: Oh, F objection! That's the 17th time that he has sworn so far.

Judge: Richard, please.

Ricky: Alright, I'm fuck...I'm sorry about the bulls...about all the stuff, but the prosecutor is a f...he's a...he's an effin' bad guy and he's...he's pissin' me off.

Prosecutor: He can't even speak without swearing. Your honor, this is ludicrous. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.

Judge: Thank you. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed. But please remember to watch your language.

Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked. And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit. It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' miss draw.

Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone! Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge: Now, although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes!

Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!

Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me.

Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God.

[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]'

Judge: Just the defendant, please.

Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face, because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds, and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. I can prove it and show you what really fuckin' happened here.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?

Bubbles: Hi, Linda.

Linda: Hi, guys.

Ricky: Hoy are you doing? What's going on?

Linda: Too bad.

Bubbles: Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?

Linda: Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.

[Inside J-Roc's trailer, where rap music plays]

Linda: Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! [opens the door]

J-Roc: Mom?

Linda: Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!

J-Roc: [turns off the music] Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you know 'm sayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!

Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?

J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!

Ricky: Changed my ass, you fuckin'...

J-Roc: You non-knockin' muthafuckas!

Ricky: That was fucked.

Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.

J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you know 'm sayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?

Julian: Listen man, I got some good news for ya. Get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.

J-Roc: Aight. [Pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with] Peace, Bub.

Bubbles: Don't touch me.

J-Roc: You muhfuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?

Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]

Jim: Julian, what the hell's this shit?

Julian: Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?

Ricky: So I guess you two can fuck off!

Jim: Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!

Randy: So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?

Jim: Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.

Ricky: You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!

Jim: Clean this up!

Ricky: Get the fuck out of here!

Jim: You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!

Bubbles: Shit! In you go, fatty.

Jim: The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!

[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]

Ricky: Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!

Randy: Ricky!

Ricky: You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]

Randy: Get this cleaned up.

Bubbles: Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.

[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]

Closer to the Heart

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K," and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!

Bubbles: I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.

Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outer space bullshit.

Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R.

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?

Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!

Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory: Nice!

Ricky: You sure about this?

Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory: That's cool.

Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.

Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]

Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up and Ricky gives him money. The cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky.]

Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember "Closer to the Heart"? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?

Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during "I Like to Rock"? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!

Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]

Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.

Ricky: How's it goin'? I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech, and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

Ricky: [narration] Most rockstars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason Alex wasn't.

Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson: Look, look. I'm not a ticket agency. I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.

Ricky: [narration] He's just one of these guys that, "Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody," and "I'm a big fancy rock star," and "You can't talk to me!" So, it pissed me off.

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!

Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Ricky: Hotel security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Desk Attendant: What's going on? Male prostitute?

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?

Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.

Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson: I don't do that kind of stuff!

Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!

Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!

Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...

Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time.

Ricky: I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and stole a human being!

Ricky: It's like a little rehearse, Lee. Play a couple of songs, then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Julian: Ricky. Ricky. This. You're from Rush.

Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J...ah, Gord, uh, Downie. This is Alex. Hey, play "I Like to Rock".

Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.

Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.

[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]

Julian: Ricky, what's he doing here?

Ricky: I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.

Julian: You kidnapped him, Ricky.

Ricky: That's not kidnapping.

Julian: You don't borrow people.

Ricky: It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.

Julian: You were--alright, can you stop playing this just for a second? Alright. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna untie you, and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?

Alex Lifeson: You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]

Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson: Okay. It's all right.

Ricky: Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]

Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson: I'm going downtown.

Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet. Julian helps him pick them up.]

Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.

Julian: You fucked up big time.

[Alex Lifeson flips Ricky off as the cab drives away, and Ricky flips him off back]

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

Ricky: He fuckin' started it.

Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.

Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush!

Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles: Please. What if something gets me?

Bubbles: Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!

[Julian lifts up a grate]

Bubbles: We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?

Julian: Shh!

Bubbles: That is him!

Ricky: Shh!

Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy: Never do.

Jim: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Jim: He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

Jim: How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles: Hi, Alex.

Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!

Randy: How's this shit?

Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

Randy: I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]

Jim: Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

Jim: [to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[The boys get out of the cab]

Bubbles: This is fucked!

Ricky: Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!

Julian: Boys, it wasn't that bad.

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing "Red Barchetta"]

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again. What are you doing with my clothes?! [to Julian] I thought we had a deal here! No cops?

Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy: Alex, we're on in four...

Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.

Randy: I'm friggin' tellin'!

[Randy runs out of the room]

Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!

Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...

Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break here. I gotta get back on stage. I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes, right now!

Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?

Jim: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky: [attempts to take the phone out of Jim's hand] Give me the fuckin' phone.

Jim: Ricky is a low-shit system.

[Ricky takes the phone out of Jim's hand]

Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'--ah, this fuckin' thing. [throws the phone]

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Jim: Julian, I'm collecting paperwork, and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian, like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.

Bubbles: Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian: Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian: No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man, there's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.

Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me, shitty this and shitty that!

Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Jim: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Jim: We were practicing, Randy.

Randy: It's not Halloween. We're not doing community theatre.

Jim: Randy.

Randy: We're consenting adults, and what we do in the privacy of our own home is--is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Jim: Randy, please.

Randy: And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that we're a couple. Hey everybody, we're gay!

Ricky: [shocked] What?

Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Jim: Alright, Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody, I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

Ricky: What's wrong, sweetie?

Trinity: You're always in jail for Christmas.

Ricky: I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year. That's what the cruise all about. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of go to jail. I'll tell you what, I got a great idea: why don't we have Christmas today?

Trinity: Really?

Ricky: To make up for all the Christmases I was in jail drunk. We'll have real presents and everything.

Trinity: Cool!

Ricky: [gets out of the paddle boat] Come on out.

[Trinity also gets out of the paddle boat, and Ricky throws a glass bottle and a bag into the lake]

Trinity: You're allowed doing that! That's littering!

[Cut to Ricky sitting on his car]

Ricky: I've notice that if you throw something into a water body, like a lake or an ocean, that the next day you come back and it's gone. So somehow it takes it away and filters it through and just cleans it up, like a garbage compactor or whatever. So it's not really littering, if you ask me.

[Cuts back to Ricky hanging out with Trinity]

Ricky: That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie. Aw shit! We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, Trin.

Ricky: The fastest way to get money is steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances to realize. All you gotta do is take a fuckin' chain, hook it up to the truck, and yank the fuckin' bank machine out of the store.

Cory: Hey everybody, how you doin'? This is my friend Mr. Gun! My special guest Smith and Wesson says get your ass down and give some quarters! This is a stick up, real deal, real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done! Yeah! So listen to me, 'cause that's what I say when I rock hip uh...

Trevor: Stop fuckin' robbin', man. This is a real thing.

Cory: Down, please, miss. Down. Down. Alright, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. You're cool, that's alright. Tall boy, get down! Don't make me fuckin' get up there!

Trevor: Come on, we want your change.

Cory: Down!

Trevor: Give us your change now.

Cory: Dude, just take the fuckin' quarters!

Trevor: Please get on the ground! Aw, man. Look at these little things of detergent. [Trevor takes the detergent] We should take some of these too.

Cory: Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Ricky is honking his horn]

Bubbles: Thanks for the milkshake, Julian. It's delicious. [laughs]

Ricky: HIGH! IN DRUNK! AS FUCK! DRUNK AS FUCK!! [Throws a glass bottle at Julian's car]

Julian: Is that Ricky?

Bubbles: I would say it is, Julian.

Jim: My God, it's Ricky!

[Ricky smashes the Boom Gate]

Jim: Yeah, we got a 10 72 at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Thank you very much. Well, Ricky, it looks like you shit goose this time.

Ricky: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck your gay.

Jim: Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, trespassing, dangerous driving. You're goin' back to jail, boy.

Ricky: Good. Did you call the cops yet?

Jim: Yeah I did.

Ricky: Good. I want to go back to jail.

Jim: You wanna go?

Ricky: Hey, Trin.

Trinity: Hi.

Ricky: Where did you get this rim?

Trinity: I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry Christmas.

Ricky: Like I taught you to? What do you mean?

Jim: Apples don't fall far from the tree. Do they, Rick?

Ricky: Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I go back to jail. I don't have time for your shit right now, so fuck off.

Jim: Speaking of shit, Rick - which you were - when a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit, it doesn't have any choice. Just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree, just like her father. Have fun in jail, Rick.

Trinity: I wanna go to jail.

Ricky: Trinity, don't ever say that again. Okay? Don't joke around.

Trinity: I wanna go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.

Ricky: Trinity, stop it! I'm serious! Don't ever joke about that. You're never going to jail, okay?

Jim: Oh, yes she is, Rick.

Ricky: No she's not, Lahey. So fuck off.

Season 4 (2004)

Never Cry Shitwolf

Bubbles: J-Roc! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-Roc. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?

J-Roc: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, muhfucka! Don't do that to me, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Come on, J-Roc! I'm in a jam. I got an idea...two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?

J-Roc: Let me check this shit out...

Bubbles: [drops the hash] Shit! [hands J-Roc the hash] Check that out.

J-Roc: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin', muhfucka... [smells the hash]

Bubbles: It's dirty blonde though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...

J-Roc: All right, Bubbles. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on. My treat?

Julian: All right, all right!

Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?

Julian: Okay, thank you!

Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.

DVS: Fo' sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.

J-Roc: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.

Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!

J-Roc: Oh, so now I'm like, "You got my whip," you know what I'm sayin', "But I ain't got no chicken!"

Jim: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.

Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?

Jim: My Grade 11.

[bottle kids are walking down the street]

Ricky: [honks horn] Get over here you, little f...NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, okay?! Now listen up. I want you to hit lot 423. Hit it hard, okay? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. [bottle kids run off] He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Jim: Are you really this fuckin' stupid?

George: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?

Jim: George, I know it looks like I'm off the---

[George interrupts him]

George: Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shit wolf. Do you know what a shit wolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shit wolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.

Jim: J--

George: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.

Jim: George.

George: No. Say it, Jim. Say it.

Jim: Never cry shit wolf.

George: That's right. Now get your sorry ass out of here, or you're spending the night in the drama tank.

A Man's Gotta Eat

Ricky: Here's a little piece of hash. Go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.

Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky

Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work. Everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun. Get to work.

Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?

Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect: assistant trailer park supervisor.

Julian: [laughs drunkenly] Assistant.

Ricky: That's right, buddy. 4,600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straighten all the shit out, man, things are gonna be cool.

[Randy overhears]

Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!

Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky: How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.

Randy: I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!

Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.

[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]

Ricky: Fuck off, Randy!

Randy: Fuck you!

Ricky: You get the fuckin' chicken chips-

[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]

Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back, you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

[Jim sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]

Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy: IT'S MINE!

Jim: Smokey!

[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy. Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]

Ricky: [in pain] FUCK! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Jim: Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky: Jesus Christ!

Randy: Do what?

Jim: What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bow and...you fuckin' shot me!

Jim: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky: That doesn't even make sense, Julian.

Julian: It's even, Ricky.

Ricky: I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.

[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]

Ricky AGHHHH!!! FUUUCK!!!

Julian: Get outta here!

[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]

Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky: I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian: Rick, go home!

Ricky: [to Randy] Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy: Yeah.

Bubbles: Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Rub 'N Tiz'zug

Bubbles: Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?

Julian: Massage.

Ricky: Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit?

Bubbles: Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.

Ricky: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna rent them out by the hour.

Bubbles: Aw, that's greasy.

Ricky: That's really fuckin' greasy.

Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.

Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-heasy.

Julian: What do you think, Bubs?

Bubbles: Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

DVS: They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.

Bubbles: What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

Julian: All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.

DVS: I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here with the hos, homie.

J-Roc: Peace out, sling blade!

Bubbles: It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos.

Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?

J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Julian: Cyrus?!

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Cyrus: Well, well, well. If it isn't the big, tough Julianne. The Hubble Bubble Telescope. And Helmet Head.

Bubbles: Fuckin' call me a telescope.

Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dick weeds. (pulls a gun)

Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

Cyrus: [chambers a round] Why don't we fuck on?

Cory: [walks out of the trailer] Julian, where's the hand cream?

Cyrus: [takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand] I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.

T: You failed Grade 10?

Cyrus: [points his gun towards the Roc Pile] Fuck off! [points to his car, which has been vandalized with graffiti] And what's this, "I'm a fuckhead"? Huh?

Ricky: Actually, it says "I'm fucked in the head," 'cause you are.

Sarah: Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

Ricky: I don't fucking know. They went home two hours ago. They told me.

Sarah: Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

Donny: GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!

Ricky: Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, look the fuck out.

The Green Bastard

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, okay? Instead of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.

Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.

Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, okay? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles: I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)

Bubbles: [as The Green Bastard] Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!

Ricky: You look good, buddy!

Bubbles: Green Bastard!

Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction, and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?

Barb: Don't! Richard!

[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]

Barb: RICHARD!

Bernie: My car!

Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!

Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this...

Jim: You're right Bernie, he's the epitome of refractory!

Ricky: Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

Bernie: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! [grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away]

Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?

Bernie: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. [clenches his fist] 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles: Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! [clotheslines Cory] Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.

Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. [body slams Cory onto the mat] Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! [Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away]

Bubbles: [puts his hand up for a high-five] Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Conky

Bubbles: [talking to his cats] Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy. There's just so many of you around right now, and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. [sighs]

Ricky: [upon arriving at Bubbles' shed] Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.

[Bubbles moans]

Julian: Shh. Listen.

[Bubbles does a distressed moan]

Ricky: What the fuck's he doing in there?

Bubbles: YOU COCKSUCKER!

[The door flings open and hits Ricky in the face]

Bubbles: Oh my God, what happened?

Ricky: Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

Julian: Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!

Bubbles: No, it's not that bad, Julian!

Julian: No, no, no, no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here.

Bubbles: I can get 'er out, it's no pr--

Julian: No, open up. Let me take a look.

Bubbles: No, it's no problem!

Julian: Let me take a look! Open up!

Bubbles: Julian!

Julian: Bubbles, open up!

[Bubbles opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning]

Julian: Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.

Bubbles: No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!

Ricky: You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles! You gotta go!

Bubbles: But boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Ricky: Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!

Julian: Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! I got something for you!

Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!

Ricky: I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!

Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. [turns his attention back to the puppet] If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.

Julian: No, no, no. [pulls Ricky aside] Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma!

Bubbles: What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.

Julian: No, no, no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!

Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?

Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital?

Bubbles: Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Conky: Well, I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Rickyyyyy! [disturbed giggle]

Ricky: Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Nurse: Can I help you?

Julian: Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.

Bubbles: No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.

Nurse: I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?

Nurse: And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?

Conky: And she's fucked in the head.

Ricky: Conky.

Conky: He needs a brain transplant.

Ricky: [grasps Conky by his throat] I'm serious. You better fuck off.

Julian: [moves Ricky's hand away from Conky] Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.

Nurse: Washington, hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.

Julian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ricky: You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?

Julian: Ricky.

Conky: Don't you touch me.

Ricky: [punches Conky in the face] Stop fucking looking at me, Conky!

Nurse: What is the gentleman's first name?

Julian: Bubbles.

Ricky: Fucking dick.

Nurse: And what is his last name?

Julian: Uh...just Bubbles.

Ricky: Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.

Nurse: Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?

Julian: [points to Bubbles] He lives in my shed. [points to Ricky] Ricky lives in his car.

Nurse: Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?

Ricky: I do have one last bit of information for ya. [sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand] This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?

[the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk]

Ricky : Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!

Julian: Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Ricky : The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car! You won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?

Conky: Nice going, Ricky.

Ricky : Fuck you, Conky.

[the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital]

Ricky : Fuck!

Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers!

Conky: Frig off, Washington. [to Ricky and Julian] Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!

Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt.

Julian: Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Ricky: [pissing on the side of the hospital] Who can go fuck whose self?! No, you fuck off, you little fucker!

Julian: Rick, who the hell are you talking to?

Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off!

Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian: [pulls Ricky away from the wall] Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!

Ricky: Well, you pulled me away!

Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]

Conky: Well, well, well, what do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!

Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?

Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?

Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!

Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?

Bubbles: Yes, Conky.

Conky: Good.

[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]

Conky: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!

Ricky: Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh?

Conky: Maybe I did, Reveeeeeen!

Ricky: All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.

Conky: [singing] He's the fuckin' man they call...

Julian: Don't say it, Bubbles.

Conky: Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Ricky: That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. [whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face]

Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky: Yes I am.

Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.

Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.

[Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand]

Conky: Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used...Patrick...Swayze.

Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles.

Conky: [singing] Oh, my Julian, my handsome Julian- Patrick Swayze, [Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face] you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancin'.

[Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles]

Bubbles: Oh my God! Julian, what happened?

Julian: [hugs Bubbles] Sorry, buddy. You were going crazy on us, man.

Sam: Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]

Julian: All right boys, let's dump him in.

Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?

Ricky: No way, bad idea, Bubbles.

Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go.

Ricky: [tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp[;; Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It Free

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]

Ricky: Bubbles, hold the binoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net, and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.

[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]

Ricky: I could need some help from you dicks, alright?

[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]

Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!

[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]

Ricky: Fuckin' idiot.

Crew Member: Frig off, Rick!

Ricky: Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.

[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]

Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!

[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]

Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]

Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.

Ricky: You little fucker. Okay, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock and choke him out.

Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.

Ricky: Why?

Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this. I know kitties.

Ricky: What if he has radies?

Bubbles: Ricky, it's rabies, with a "B", not radies. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See? He's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! [pets the mountain lion] Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go, right? Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free"?

Bubbles: I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.

Ricky: This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but...I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there, "Steve", or whatever the fuck your name is?

Bubbles: Steve French.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!

Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.

Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car!

Jim: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky: What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... [throws Lahey's bow over the fence] Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? [lights a cigarette] You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Jim: You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss, realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him, and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy: Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky: What does it mean, then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy: I understand it.

Ricky: Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! [pushes Lahey into the car] Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! [throws a net on Randy] And take your little net with you! [pushes Randy into the car]

Randy: Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! [slams the car door]

Bubbles: Shit abyss. I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.

Julian: Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

Ricky: What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?

Julian: Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?

Ricky: No.

Julian: Well, there's one there, and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.

Ricky: Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]

Jim: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? [Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper] Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

Jim: That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy: Ricky, get this cat outta here or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You know, children? Family?

Ricky: I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.

Lucy: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

Ricky: Actually, yes I do.

Propane, Propane

Jim: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know, he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint, and then he turned into a shit bonfire, and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then I can unleash a shit nom E tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the under shit of that wave. Shit waves. [Takes a sip of his rum]

Working Man

Jim: Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil: [singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana]

Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?

Bubbles: Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!

Rita Mcneil: [handing a dope plant to Ricky] Here's a good one, dear.

.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happened to your head, man?

Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.

J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail.

Tyrone: Yeah, that's not J-Roc. J-Roc's in jail 'til the album drops!

J-Roc: That's right, T.

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself (2004)

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle.

Lucy: [in confessional] I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a...it's a mistletoe belt buckle.

Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so...it's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky: There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! [to other prisoners] Let's get fucked up!

Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]

Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?

Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!

Ricky: What?

Bubbles: Get your stuff!

Ricky: No, Bubs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.

Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we're getting you out! Sign out!

Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas, and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is!

[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]

Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!

[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]

Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! Keep him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray: So tell me, buddy. What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?

Ricky: Dad, not this shit.

Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...

Ricky: No...

Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?

Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is...is supposed to...always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're--you're--you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?

Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' diss jail.

Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!

Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year. You know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

Ray: Huh?

Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.

Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!

Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.

Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.

Ray: Ricky, come on. You know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?

Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?

Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

Ricky: What...?

Ricky: Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?

Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!

Ricky: But it'd piss him off!

Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky, but... Man!

Ricky: You never mixed that up?

Ray: No!

Ricky: Bubs, you never mixed that up?

Bubbles: No, Ricky, I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?

Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

Ray: No! Rick, no.

Ricky: Well, that's fuckin' bullshit! Well, I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!

Ricky: Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!

Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...

Bubbles: [laughs] Nerds!

Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!

Cory: You want one of these ones, er...

Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!

Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!

Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!

Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! Goddamn fuckin' nerds!

Randy: Hey, do you like to party?

Barb: Excuse me?

Randy: Do you like to party?

Barb: Oh my God, Randal? Are you a male prostitute?

Randy: Barb Lahey?

Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!

Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.

Barb: Randal...

Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.

Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy: Simon?

Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while, just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Jim: Staying with us...

Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church. You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.

[Barb walks out of the room]

Randy: Simon, you're married?!

Jim: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.

Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!

Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church.

Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going.

Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope...

Ray: Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! [reading letter aloud] "Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you. But some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy, so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work."

Season 5 (2005)

Give Peace a Chance

Ricky: I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.

Bubbles: Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.

Terry: Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?

Dennis: Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j--just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'.

Terry: Don't point the fucking gun at me!

Dennis: Put the fucking guns down!

[As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally points the gun at Obaa-Chan as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of (or ignoring) what's going on]

Dennis: Don't point the gun at my grandmother!

Julian: I'm just taking a look at it!

[upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles]

Bubbles: It's a liquor-lanche!

Ray: Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big time, okay? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big time. They took all your money. It's all gone, you don't own the park. Everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.

[brief pause]

Ricky: [dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right here. You're saying Cory and Trevor...th-they fucked up?

Ricky: [to Lahey when he says he's sorry] Oh, you're fuckin' sorry, are you? What do you wanna do? Play a big song on the Magdalene? [imitates someone playing a violin with a bow, confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene] You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry.

The Shit Puppets

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I mean, right now--I mean, everyone's at my dad's place, fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know, if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself, then good, 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here, he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...it's obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean, obviously she used our money to buy them anyway, so if you think about it, I sorta own one third of them.

Ricky: Actually, Sarah, let's go with the milk.

Sarah: "Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?

Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?

Sarah: Why? So that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

Jim Lahey is a Fuckin' Drunk And He Always Will Be

[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]

Ricky: Hey, Dad!

Ray: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.

Ray: Smells good, buddy.

Ricky: There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.

Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.

Ricky: Cool.

Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Ray: I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.

Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.

Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.

Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

Ray: I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.

Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?

Ray: Yes, Rick, I do. Rick, there's another point: we should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?

Ricky: From a cow.

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs.

Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck, that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?

Ricky: Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.

[Bubbles looks to Ray, who nods "no"]

Ricky: I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?

Bubbles: Of an old bread heel?

Ricky: Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.

[Ricky holds out the pan. Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease.]

Bubbles: You do it too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?

[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]

Bubbles: It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?

Ricky: A little bit left in that.

[Ricky hands Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor. Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face. He hands it back to Ricky, who downs the rest.]

Ricky: You still pissed off?

Bubbles: Well, kind of.

Ricky: The fake check trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's checks like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops. It's gonna be easy. And worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the check. You never have to pay. It's awesome!

[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]

Bubbles: What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!

Ricky: No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!

[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]

Julian: Drinks, boys! Drinks!

[Ricky takes the dog dish]

Ricky: Well, let's make toast, boys!

Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.

Bubbles: This is a good time! [takes a drink] I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys, then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.

Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.

Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!

Ricky: [sighs] Breaker, breaker, come in, Earth. This is rocketship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that, buddy? I don't fuckin' know!

Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Ray: Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and 11:15? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy: Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray.

Ray: Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk, and he always will be!

[Randy grabs Jim's water bottle]

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Jim: Randy.

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Jim: Let it go, Randy!

[Randy lets go of the bottle, and it splashes all over him as Jim pulls away. Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his hand.]

Randy: It's vodka!

Jim: 131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

The Winds Of Shit

Ricky: Dartmouth Regional Vacational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we weren't going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vacational school.

Julian: Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.

Ricky: Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta...fuck.

Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.

Julian: This is the perfect place to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.

Bubbles: You'll do alright, Ricky.

Julian: Think about this. Think about your daughter. Think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man. Come on, let's go.

Ricky: Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7. Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fuck sakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big smart thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break into the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honor Lee system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good. Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. Think about it, I'm stupid.

Julian: Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one reason, and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.

Bubbles: There's two ways to look at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs. And Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.

Ray: Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?

Julian: What's wrong with reading books?

Ray: Nothing wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts. It's the Bible. It says to help your friends.

Julian: Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?

Ray: It's open to interpretation, Julian. It's the Bible.

Jim: You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?

Bubbles: No.

Jim: Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

Ricky: What the fuck are you going on about?

Jim: Can you hear it?

Bubbles: No, I don't hear anything.

Jim: Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the ol' shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend. Shit winds are a-comin'.

Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

Trevor: What if we drove down midnight pass road?

Cory: No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.

Ricky: What the fuck? Do one of you idiots mind telling why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20?

Cory: Yeah, we had to move 10 off.

Ricky: Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load!

Julian: Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.

Ricky: What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?

Trevor: Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.

Ricky: What did you just say to me?

Bubbles: Uh oh.

Ricky: Knock knock, Trevor.

Trevor: I'm not gonna say "who's there", man.

Ricky: You just did, you fuckin' idiot.

[Ricky rips Trevor's pants]

Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky!

Trevor: Those are my new pants!

Cory: What are you doing?!

Bubbles: Ricky!

[Julian gets out of the car]

Julian: Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money, or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, huh? Apologize to him!

Ricky: I'm not apologizing to him.

Julian: Cory, move. Apologize to him.

Ricky: I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.

Trevor: It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.

Ricky: Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?

Julian: Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money, and here's twenty for a new pair of pants.

Trevor: Thanks a lot, Julian.

Julian: Alright, no speeding. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.

Trevor: See you later, Ricky.

Ricky: Do a good job, boys.

Bubbles: Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.

Ricky: I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.

I Am The Liquor

Jim: Randy, I got $100 here for groceries, I got $1,400 here for liquor, and I got $6,000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta make em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us, Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.

Jim: Wouldn't that be nice?

Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.

Jim: Exactly, Randy.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, is this you talking, or the liquor?

Jim: Randy...

[Jim takes a big sip out of his liquor bottle]

Jim: I am the liquor.

Shit Blizzard

Jim: Feel that?

Randy: Feel what, Mr. Lahey?

Jim: The way the shit clings to the air, Randy.

Randy: Shit clings to the air?

Jim: It's already started, my dear good friend.

Randy: What started, Mr. Lahey?

Jim: The shit blizzard. [takes a huge sip out of his liquor bottle]

Season 6 (2006)

Way of the Road

Ricky: That's nothing, Julian. Me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.

Bubbles: 70 bucks each?

Ricky: No, 30 bucks each.

Bubbles: [to Ray] 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.

Ray: Moving on, Bud...

The Cheeseburger Picnic

[Sam gets out of the pick-up truck]

Sam: Barb.

Barb: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Hey Randy, do you wanna sign this so I can get started, please?

Randy: Sign what?

Sam: It's a purchase order.

Randy: Purchase order for what?

Sam: To pave the park.

Randy: I didn't call to have the park paved.

Sam: I got an emergency call to get down here and pave the park right away. Sign it so I can get started.

Randy: I didn't do it, Sam. I didn't call ya.

Sam: Fuck, there's your name, Randy Bo Bandy. Now sign it so I can get started.

Barb: He said he didn't call, Sam!

Randy: Bo Bandy? I didn't call. I didn't call.

Sam: Once I start that truck, I'm on the fucking clock, okay? So sign it so I can get started.

Randy: I'm not signing shit! Why don't you go back and pave your cave, ya fuckin' caveman?

Sam: The fuck did you call me?

Barb: Well...you are a caveman, Sam.

Randy: Yeah, a fuckin' caveman!

Sam: Listen Burger Boy, you fuckin' pay me right now! You pay me right now! You fuckin' pay me right now!

[Randy and Sam fight each other]

Barb: Randy! Sam! Sam! Randy!

Ted: Alright. You guys are under arrest for breach of the peace.

[The cops arrest Randy and Sam]

Sam: Motherfuckers, every time I come down here!

Randy: Ted, it's not my fault!

Ted: I gotta deal with you here, Randy.

Randy: Ted, this is bullshit! I was just trying to have a nice cheeseburger picnic and it got all fucked up! SON OF A BITCH! FOR FUCK'S SAKES! THIS IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!

[Ted opens the back door, puts Randy in the police car and closes the back door]

Halloween 1977

Ricky: Randy's got some fuckin' nerve throwing everybody out of this park. That big cocky prick, he's fuckin' up to something, I know he is. Something to do with us, trying to set us up or some shit. If Randy thinks he's smarter than me, he's wrong.

Jim: Halloween 1977, Jules. You remember, don't you, Bubbles? Yo, what's at work here? It's the shit-tectonics. When two shit-plates strike, and come together under incredible pressure, what happens, Bubbles?

Bubbles: What, Mr. Lahey?

Jim: Shit quake. May the Force be with you, gentlemen. And may I be with the Force.

Bubbles: I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.

Ricky: Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.

Julian: I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.

Ricky: We dressed up as people from Star Wars, and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as, Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something, but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.

Bubbles: Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids, but he was still drivin' liquor into him.

Julian: Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.

Ricky: Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one. It was probably Julian, but I think it was Bubbles, said, "Let's go mess around with his cop car over here."

Bubbles: Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.

Ricky: They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.

Bubbles: Put it out of gear and off it went, and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would, and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, now we did it."

Ricky: And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor, 'cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse, and liquor spilled all over his crotch.

Julian: Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.

Ricky: He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.

Bubbles: He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk, and as they started arguing, all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.

Ricky: It came down to two choices, and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they--they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.

Julian: He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.

Bubbles: Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then, and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.

Gimme My Fucking Money or Randy's Dead

Ricky [while hiding behind Phil during the shoot-out with Sam] Sam, you're fucking losing it, bud. Take off your sunglasses and look at the goddamn situation here. I have a human house! Go ahead, you can't even fucking shoot me, you see that?

Ricky: My dad's the assistant trailer park supervisor now. He just fucking loves it. I mean, he basically doesn't do a fucking thing. Just drives around, has some drinks, and says high to people. It's awesome.

Ray: How's it going? 5,200 bucks a year! Come on! Life's good.

Ricky: Life for me now is just so fucking great. I just grow lots of dope, spend time with Lucy and Trinity... Things are going really, really well. And Lucy is being so fucking cool, I get drunk three or four times a week with my friends, get stoned, play video games. I just don't know how life can get any better than this.

Season 7 (2007)

I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big Deal

J-Roc: What's crackin', y'all? Let me be the first to officially welcome y'all muhfuckas to my brand-new joint: Scrilla Villa! Aight, dawg, check it out. Let me explain somethin' to ya, ya know'm sayin'? Me' n' T had to get somethin' set up with the babies on the way, know'm sayin'? With the family, ya know'm mean? So we had to start workin'. That's when I realized the airport has some interesting job opportunities, dawg.

Tyrone: That's right. We had to seize the muthafucka!

J-Roc: Carpe dizzem, ya know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: That's right.

J-Roc: That's why we started gankin' luggage.

J-Roc: This is all the shit we ganked from overseas, ya know'm sayin'? It's all from Europe! It's tight! Muhfuckas come back with some crazy-ass shit, dawg. You want a box for ya bling? It's ten muhfuckas! It's tight, cheap, and dope. I'm out.

J-Roc: This here room is what I call "Liquors of the World", dawg, you know'm sayin'? Look at all this shit that muhfucks bring back. It's ya passport to gettin' drunk, you know'm sayin'? [picks up a bottle shaped like a guitar] Glug-glug, ting-ting-ting-ting-ting!

J-Roc: [picks up a shoe] Real snake! What? Sayin'! We so busy now, ya know'm mean? I had to hire employees, ya know'm mean? That's Lucy right there. Lucy, one of my employees. [points to her stomach] That li'l muhfucka ain't, though! I ain't payin' for that muhfucka!

Ricky: Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?

Ray: [laughs] You're joking, right, Rick?

Ricky: No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.

Ray: Fuck, um...

Ricky: There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but.. Me and Lucy haven't banged in 7 months and she's 6 months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...

Ray: Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

[Randy rips his pants]

Randy: Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!

[Barb laughs]

Randy: It's not funny, Barb! [punches the wall]

Jim: Randy.

[Randy walks away and punches the wall again]

Barb: Randy!

Randy: BALLS! My best pants! [punches the wall again]

Lahey: Randy!

Randy: This is fuckin'! [punches the wall again]

Barb: Randy!

Lahey: Randy!

[Bubbles reads an ad out of a magazine]

Bubbles: Decent! Julian, check this out!

Julian: What?

Bubbles: Look! Tenth Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention! Look who's hosting! Sebastian Bach, Skid Row! My God, "Trains from all over the world, this year featuring the Swayzie Express!"

Julian: Swayzie Express? Patrick Swayze?

Bubbles: [narration] Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing, because when we were kids in school, the other kids used to tease him and call him "Patrick Swayze", but Julian was reeeeally into Dirty Dancing. I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes, and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing. Ricky told everyone at school and from then on they teased him, "Patrick Swayze"!

Julian: Are you fucking with me here, Bubbs? 'Cause it's not funny, man.

Bubbles: No, Julian! Not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor Patrick Swayze. This is a different one.

[Lucy and Sarah are helping Randy try on new pants]

Lucy: The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.

Sarah: Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.

Randy: They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!

[Randy rocks from side to side, stretching in the new pants as Sarah checks a cuff]

Sarah: Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.

[Randy's gut hits Sarah in the face]

Sarah: Randy!

Randy: Sorry, Sarah.

Ricky: [from outside] Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Barb: So what do you wanna talk about, Randy? Or do you need to be high first?

Randy: There's no real easy way of saying this... I fucked up.

Barb: What are you talking about?

Randy: Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her up...no big deal.

Barb: Oh my God, that was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?

Jim: You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!

Barb: So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you? Or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?

Randy: Look, you guys have a good time dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.

Jim: They're fantastic, Barb.

Three Good Men are Dead

Jacob: Baaaaaaaaaaam!

Phil: Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaam!

Jim: What the fuck are you doin', Phil?

[Phil burps loudly]

Ray: Fuck sakes, Phil.

Bubbles: Ricky, I got onion ring fragments on me, get them off!

Ricky: I'm not touching those onions.

Bubbles: GET THEM OFF!

Phil: I'm sorry, your honor.

[Ray crashes the Fuckmobile near a tree]

Donny: Have another drink, Ray!

Friends of the Road

Bubbles: They're ladies of the evening.

Ray: Friends of the road, buddy.

Ricky: Oh man, are they ever getting fucked over.

[to family getting car searched at the US-Canada border]

Ricky: You're supposed to throw your dope away before you get to the border! Ya fucked up!

Ricky: [barks like a dog to border patrol dogs] Shut the fuck up!

Jump the Cheeseburger

Bubbles: Oh, nice job there, son of the mustard tiger!

Thomas: My dad is not a mustard tiger!

Bubbles: Oh, okay!

Jim: Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple--

Barb: Don't you think? Do you think, Jim? Because you know what? I'm gonna be totally honest with you, and it's...it's a bit ironic, but since you stopped drinking, you are not half as much fun.

Jim: Barb...I'm doing my best here.

Barb: Jim, I wish you'd start drinkin' again!

Lucy: Oh, Randy, are you okay?

Randy: Ah, sweet and sour chicken balls! I think I sprained it, Luce!

Lucy: Is it bad?

Randy: Yeah, it hurts.

Lucy: Okay, well,, we'll put some...

Randy: Ah, quarter horse cocks!

Lucy: Okay, well...you know, we'll go back to my place and put some ice on this. You are going to be fine.

Randy: Okay.

Lucy: It's not a problem. A couple hours max...

Randy: Alfred Hitchcock!

Lucy: Randy, enough with the cocks!

Let the Liquor Do the Thinking

Randy: Ah! Sugarcocks!

External links

Encyclopedic article on Trailer Park Boys on Wikipedia
Trailer Park Boys quotes at the Internet Movie Database

Trailer Park Boys

Season 1 (2001)

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?

Season 2 (2002)

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty

The Bible Pimp

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

The Bare Pimp Project

Season 3 (2003)

The Kiss of Freedom

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked

Who's the Microphone Assassin?

Closer to the Heart

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

Season 4 (2004)

Never Cry Shitwolf

A Man's Gotta Eat

Rub 'N Tiz'zug

The Green Bastard

Conky

If You Love Something, Set It Free

Propane, Propane

Working Man

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself (2004)

Season 5 (2005)

Give Peace a Chance

The Shit Puppets

Jim Lahey is a Fuckin' Drunk And He Always Will Be

The Winds Of Shit

Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

I Am The Liquor

Shit Blizzard

Season 6 (2006)

Way of the Road

The Cheeseburger Picnic

Halloween 1977

Gimme My Fucking Money or Randy's Dead

Season 7 (2007)

I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big Deal

Three Good Men are Dead

Friends of the Road

Jump the Cheeseburger

Let the Liquor Do the Thinking

See also

External links