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Trailer Park Boys

Canadian mockumentary television series

Trailer Park Boys is a popular Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.


Pilot EpisodeEdit

[To Julian]
Ricky: I don't do as much coke as you do. We're not on the same wavelength.

[To Cory and Trevor]
Ricky: Knock knock, boys?
Cory: What?
Ricky: Knock knock.
Cory: Who's there?
Ricky: Two fucking dumb idiots that drive a big piece of shit from the trailer park that don't know when to come buy fucking dope. Now get the fuck out of here!

Ricky: B and E? That's Grade 10 shit and I'm sick of it.

[To officers investigating the disturbance]
Patrick Lewis: Officers, these guys, they're trying to kill my dog.
Ricky: This man is drunk and he is soliciting us for prostitution.

[Off Camera voice]
Young kid: Hey, Reveen!
[To Julian]
Ricky: Do I fuckin' look like Reveen?
[To Young Kid]
Ricky: Come on down here, ya little bastard, I'll fuckin' 'Reveen' ya.

Ricky: Apparently people think I look like this man they call Reveen. I don't even know who the fuck Reveen is. Apparently he's this ventriloquist or psychic or some guy and I look like him. Which is kinda cool people think I look like a famous person. And that's kinda neat, I guess, but I don't like all these little fuckers running around calling me Reveen.

Static Noise

Cory: Reveen...
[Trevor laughs]
Cory: I- I mean I call him Reveen too, but he calls me dick. So I'm justified.
Trevor: I'd rather be called a dick than Reveen.

[Chastising Ricky into not fighting an Off Camera Heckler for calling him Reveen]
Julian: No, this is a problem at home that has nothing to do with me. You've got a lot of anger built up inside of you.
[Off Camera to Julian ]
Heckler: Hey Patrick Swayze!
Ricky: See how does that feel?
Julian: All right--
Ricky: How the fuck does that feel?
Julian: Yeah, that's a bad one. Don't worry about it--
Heckler: It's Patrick Swayze and Reveen!
Julian: Did they just call me Patrick Swayze?
Ricky: Yeah they did.
[Three second pause]
Heckler: It's fucking Patrick Swayze and Reveen!
Ricky: You little fuckers.
Heckler: Hey, 'Dirty Dancing'!

Season One (2001)Edit

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer ParkEdit

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.
Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.
Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Cyrus: What's that camera doin' here?
Ricky: None of your fuckin' business actually.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.
Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!!
[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!! That's my shit!
Cyrus:(to Julian) Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de le creme.

[To Cyrus]
Ricky: What, are ya filmin' more episodes of Happy Days there, Fonzie?

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, Number One: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.
Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!
Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Cyrus: Safety--always off.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken FingersEdit

(A dog barks off in the distance)
Ricky: Shut up!
(The dog continues barking)
Ricky: You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya. I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!
Julian: (off-screen) Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! (cuts to Julian inside the trailer) Well, I've been out of jail for a week now and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.
Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.
Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.
Ricky: Stop fucking barking!
(Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his gun)
Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!
Ricky: Shut the fuck up! Squirrels and dogs and assholes! (fires off his gun once more) Shut up!
Julian: Ricky, Ricky! Hold your fire. (walks towards Ricky) What are you doing?
Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.
(The dog continues to bark)
Ricky: Asshole. (fires off his gun)
Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.
Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.
Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?
Ricky: I can't handle this livin' in a car shit.
Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?
Ricky: Listen to this shit. (fires his gun again)
Julian: Get in the car. (pushes Ricky into the car) Get in the car.
(Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking)
Announcer: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.
Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?
Ricky: Assholes. (brings out his gun)
Julian: Ricky! (stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand) Listen, give me that gun. (takes the gun)
Ricky: You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.
Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.
Ricky: I can't sleep!
Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.
Ricky: Why?
Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.
Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.
Julian: Think, Ricky, think.
Ricky: I can't sleep, is the problem.
Julian: Go to sleep.
Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?
Julian: No more of this shit.
Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.
Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. (gives Ricky his gun back, then walks off) Go to sleep. Idiot.
Ricky: Shut up.
Ricky: Shut up!
Ricky: SHUT UP! (fires his gun)
Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]
Bubbles: I want my kitty.
Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!
Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.
Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.
Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.
Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.
Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't- never said you could keep him.
Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?
Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!
[Julian storms out of his trailer]
Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!
Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!
Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!
Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!
Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!
[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]
Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.
Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.
[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]
Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!
[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]
Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!
[Ricky struggles to get the door open]
Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!
[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]
Julian: Calm down!
Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!
Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.
Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property.
Bubbles: (off-screen) Go fuck yourself, Ricky.
Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!
[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]
Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]
Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...
Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and...I mean, it was a long time ago and...You know, nothing really happened.
Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but...I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]
Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?
Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.
Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.
Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!
Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]
Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?
Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?
Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!
Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]
Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...
Julian: Get out of my way.
[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]
Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!
Julian: Get off my property, Ray!
[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]
Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!
Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!
Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!
Ricky: It's my property!
Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!
Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!
[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]
Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!Edit

Julian: (to camera crew) Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!
[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]
Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?
Ricky: (to camera) What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!' I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!
[Lahey rolls past, slowly]
Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!
[Lahey drives off]
Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.
Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?
Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.
[J-ROC and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]
J-ROC: What's goin' on, honkies?!
Ricky: J-ROC?
J-ROC: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some Brüt up in that ma-fucka!
Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!
Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...
Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...
J-ROC: Actually...If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!
Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?
J-ROC: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. (to Julian) 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!
Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! (to Julian) Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]
Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?
Julian: Why?
Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.
Julian: They're greasy.
[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]
Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.
Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.
Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?
Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money he'd probably do one.
Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

J-ROC: You gonna be a great big star, G! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Raveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-ROC: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?
J-ROC: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?
Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?
J-ROC: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!
Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...
J-ROC: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?
Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.
J-ROC: Sayin' what?
[all three simultaneously]
J-ROC: Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.
Victoria: Know'm sayin'.

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]
Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.
Ricky: (in bad Russian accent) Everybody freeze. What's going on here?
Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?
[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]
Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.
Bubbles: Sergeant Boris. What's going on here?
Ricky: Corporal Alexei, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.
Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!
[Ricky can't get it up]
Trevor: (to Cory) Testicle difficulties, please stand by.
Ricky: J-ROC, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and...I don't know what's, I...I need about 5 minutes here.
J-ROC: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-ROC: (to Ricky) Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's soft-core, right? Know what I'm sayin'? it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?
Bubbles: Well, if it's OK with her I certainly would.
J-ROC: (to Stacy) That aight?
Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.
J-ROC: Aight.
Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Trying to threaten Mr. Lahey into relinquishing the porno tape]:
Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!
Lahey: Don't you mean "What's all around comes around," Ricky?
Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.
Lahey: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]
Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Bubbles: That was a prick job!

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked UpEdit

Mr. Lahey: You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?
Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.
Mr. Lahey: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A-1, class act recidivists up there.

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.
[Takes a bite of a pot brownie]
Trinity: These taste funny!
[Throws the brownie into the yard]

Mr. Lahey: Not paying your drug debts again, eh Ricky?
Ricky: Lahey, fuck off!

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]
Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.
Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!
Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!
Ricky: I don't give a--I'm bleeding to death here! You don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass!
Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.
Ricky: Levi? Fuck Levi! I need medical attention!
Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. All right?!
Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! All right?
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: What's more important, me or the dog?
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: What's more important?!
Julian: Shut up!
[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]
Ricky: I'm fuckin' bleeding to death here!
Julian: Come on, Levi.
[Levi answers]
Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.
Ricky: (to the dog) You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?
Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.
Ricky: ...HE ATE THEM!
Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'...
Julian: SHUT UP!

Desiree: See, now you can always tell something about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower]
Julian: Here you go, break in.
[Hands Ricky a crowbar]
Ricky: Why do I have to break in?
Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!
Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.
Julian: Hurry up!
[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]
Ricky: Jesus Christ...
[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]
Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!
[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]
Ricky: Hey, retard!
[Ricky grabs the boom mic]
Ricky: Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!
[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]
Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]
Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa...who the fuck is that guy?
Ricky What do you want?
Julian: Relax, Ricky.
Ricky What do you want?!
Ricky: Nothing.
[Farmer shoots at them]
Sound Guy: FUCK! AH FUCK!
Announcer: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: Get in the truck!
Sound Guy: Ahh, fuck!
[Julian drags Sound Guy in the truck]
Julian: Ricky, GET IN THE TRUCK!
Sound Guy: FUCK!
Sound Guy: Cover me, man! I'm fuckin shot again here!
[Julian fires off shots]
Sound Guy: I'M FUCKING SHOT!!!

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am GayEdit

Ricky: [to Cory and Trevor] Knock knock boys?
Trevor: Who's there?
[Ricky gives them two middle fingers directly in their faces]

[To Julian in a drunken embrace]:
Ricky: We got this plutonium kind of love shit going and I don't wanna fuck that up, all right.

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.
Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! (runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing)
Ricky: You give me that beer back!
Julian: Ricky, shut up!
Mr. Lahey: This is drunk and disorderly!
Ricky: You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!
Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey, Lahey- Ricky get over-
Mr. Lahey: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.
Julian: Lahey-
[Ricky bumps into a beer box]
Mr. Lahey: What?
Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.
Mr. Lahey: We've been trying to get him off the damn street.
Julian: Well, get him out of here. (pushes Randy away) Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.
Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? (holds the cigarette to his waist) 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.
Julian: Ricky- (drags him away)
Mr. Lahey: You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?
Ricky: (points to Lahey) You owe a beer (points to Randy) and you owe me a beer, you assholes!
Mr. Lahey: Come on, Randy.
Ricky: (off-screen) Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?
Randy: What?
Ricky: Fuck off!

[As he is forcibly being escorted from bank]:
Ricky: I've been sexually assaulted here! That man tried to abuse me at a party.
Bank Manager: No that's not true!
Ricky: He feels up men and women all over the place. He's an asshole!

Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things-- she's gotta have a nice ring.*(While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich)*

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?
Cop: Jim.. Jim, my dad Jim?
Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.
Cop: Yeah?
Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?Edit

Julian: Put your gun down! (to Ricky) It's us! It's us! It's us! (points his gun towards Cory and Trevor) Stop shooting, you dicks!
Ricky: Julian, what the fuck's going on here?! I just came her for smokes! What the hell's going on?!
Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.
Ricky: (to Julian) You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.
Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!
Ricky: You could've killed me back there! What the fuck?!
Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the survaillance camera) Ricky!
Ricky: Oh, for fucksakes! (shoots down the camera)
Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!
Cory: Out of the way, dudes.
Trevor: Aw, shit. (picks up a bag of chips)
Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.
Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!
(Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck)
Bubbles: Come on, move!
Julian: Come on, boys!
Ricky: What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!
Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.
Ricky: Fuck off, boys.
Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!
Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!
Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!
Julian: Leave the cart!
(Ricky throws the cart away)
Bubbles: Come on!
Ricky: Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!
Bubbles: Jesus Christ!
Julian: Come on!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!
Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?
Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down, Julian!
Julian: Calm down!
Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!
Julian: Ricky.
Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.
Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!
Julian: Ricky! Would you-
Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!
Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!
Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it?
Julian: Oh, look what- you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!
Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Levi: You're all dressed up today.
Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.
Levi: Yeah.
Bubbles: Tricked ya!
[Levi laughs]
Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers.

[while getting arrested at his wedding]
Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't believe this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!

[while being taken away by the police]
Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!
[brief pause]
Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!
Announcer: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Ricky and Julian in jail]
Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

Season Two (2002)Edit

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?Edit

[Cat looking at Ricky]
Ricky: (to the cat) What the fuck are you looking at, huh? Don't fuckin' stare at me!

Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say: 'Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 give me a fuckin' cheque please.' That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Mr. Lahey: (Drunk) Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky!
Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.
Mr. Lahey: I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.
Ricky: Knock knock.
Mr. Lahey: Who's there, Rick?
Ricky: Somebody.
Mr. Lahey: Somebody who?
Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life; now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Bubbles: Somebody's got their hand on the cart then--Whoopsies! (as he "accidentally" drops the cart down the hill) and somebody comes along and picks it up later.

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk BastardEdit

Mr. Lahey: Listen, I was unaware that I had an appointment with you fine people today. As it turns out I have another engagement: I plan to get DRUNK!

[Ricky and Sam arguing]
Ricky: Knock knock.
Sam: Who's there?
Ricky: (gives Sam two middle fingers) Fuck off!

[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

Julian: What are you guys doing?
Trevor: We're helping Sam.
Cory: Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.
Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.
Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.
Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.
Ricky: Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now.
[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers]

Ricky: Hey, Sam, knock knock.
Sam: ...Who's there?
Ricky: Get the fuck off the stage, ya idiot!

[Lahey comes on stage to say his speech]

Lahey: Test...test...test.

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and CoryEdit

J-Roc: (to Randy) You better back off, you no-shirt, lawn-mowing, 15-cheeseburger-eating prick.

Ricky: I've met cats and dogs smarter than Cory and Trevor, in fact most cats and dogs are smarter than Cory and Trevor.

Julian: (to Cory and Trevor) What was the name of the bar where you guys put up those flyers?
Cory: Uh...The Empty Closet....Yeah that was it.
Julian: You guys don't have a clue, do you?

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a KittyEdit

Ricky: It's a Catch-23 situation.

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]
Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f- (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!
Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.
Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]
Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles: (to the camera crew) You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.
[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]
Sam Losco: What the fuck?
Bubbles: All right, arsehole, clean up this fucking garbage!
Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.
Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh?!
[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

The Bible PimpEdit

Tania: Have you read the Bible?
Bubbles: Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?
Hampton: Can you read, my son?
Bubbles: Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian: I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.
[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]
Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?
Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.
Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.
Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.
Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Mr. Lahey: Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.
J-ROC: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for $12 a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.
[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-ROC's hand]
Tyrone: That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!
J-ROC: Oh, hang on.
[J-ROC leans his ear to Randy's gut]
J-ROC: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: Order me some too, man!
[Bubbles laughs]
Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]
Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.
[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]
Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!
Julian: Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.
Ricky: Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt OnEdit

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.
Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?
Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.
Lahey: Bingo.
Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.
Randy: What's up, Rick?
Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.
Randy: Gummiworms, OK. Jalapeño chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
Julian: (shakes his head no)
Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of jalapeno chips.
Randy: All right.
Ricky: Jalapeno? What flavor is that?
Julian: Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.
Bubbles: The "J" is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno," not "ja-lap-ano."
Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?
Bubbles: Hal-a-peeno. Hal-a-peeno. That's how you pronounce it.
Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Lahey: Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.
Ricky: Bullshit!
Julian: What are you talking about, Lahey?
Lahey: You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.
Ricky: This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.
Bubbles: Holy shit.
Ricky: Great guys, what are we gonna do now?
Bubbles: I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?
Ricky: I don't know.
Julian: Meeting inside, let's go!
Bubbles: What's a shit rope?
Ricky: He's drunk. I don't fucking know.
Bubbles: Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

The Bare Pimp ProjectEdit

[Bubbles as a lumberjack holding a camcorder, with a close up on his face, running through the woods breathing heavily stops]
Bubbles: UH UH UH...I ain't...I ain't never been so frisky in my entire life! UH UH UH!
J-ROC [off camera]: CUT!
Bubbles: How was that, J-ROC?

Ricky: I haven't seen Treena since her dysfunctional parents grounded her over something stupid.
Barb: How dare you speak to us like that!
Ricky: How dare you marry a money-hustlin' caveman.

Barb: I just popped over to tell you that Sam Losco proposed last night.
Jim Lahey: You gotta be kidding.
Barb: No. I think it's about time one of us tried to provide the girl with a stable family atmosphere where she doesn't feel like she has to pawn her bike or deliver pepperoni to drug dealers.
Randy: And you think that you're the perfect parent?
Barb: Randy, you know, when I want advice on cheeseburgers or not wearing a shirt, you're the person I'll come to.

Bubbles: What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?
(cuts to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers)
Ricky: It's not a big deal, Bubbles, don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight, I got shot a little bit, it's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.
(cuts back to the boys)
Bubbles: I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for having that much dope and guns.
Julian: Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or something, I'll take care of it, I promise.
Bubbles: But you guys will get in big trouble.
Ricky: It's no big- We've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothing. (sees a helicopter in the distance) What the... aw, fuck! Great, a heli-fucking-copter!
Bubbles: Oh, God!
Pilot: Bravo-Tango One, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 103, in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.
Ricky: (leans out the window) Get the fuck out of here! There's nothing to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm calling the cops 'cause you're flying way too fucking low, you assholes! (gets back in the vehicle) Fuck, this sucks right now.
Julian: This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.
Ricky: Fucking Cyrus. Fucking Sam.
Bubbles: There's a helicopter behind us!
Ricky: No shit! Just keep driving, we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.
(cuts to a cat standing in the middle of the road)
Bubbles: Is that a kitty on the road?
Ricky: I need a fucking-
Julian: NO!!!
Ricky: DON'T DO IT!!!
(the vehicle swerves violently, causing it to crash)
Bubbles: (gets out of the vehicle) Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!
Ricky: Son of a bitch!
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky!
(Ricky and Julian get out of vehicle)
Pilot: Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.
Ricky: (to Bubbles) I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!
Bubbles: I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky! (hides behind a bale of hay)
Julian: Come one, boys. Let me think.

Season Three (2003)Edit

Kiss of FreedomEdit

[Ricky slams on the brakes in front of the bank]
Bubbles: (to camera) Did you see that fuckin' skid?

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]
Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' light up in the bank!
Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! Thirty-eight grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!
[standing in line in the bank]
Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope, it's my fuckin' money!
Bubbles: You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.
Ricky: Dope! Dope! Dopety-fuckin'-dope-dope!
Bubbles: Here's security.
Ricky: Fuck.
Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.
Bubbles: Perfect!
Julian: I can explain this.
Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!

Ricky: Holy fuck that's good pepperoni!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Lahey]
Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.
Lahey: That'll cost you, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.
Lahey: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?
Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.
[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]
Lahey: Oh, I get it. Never mind.
Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.
Lahey: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.
Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuckronauts.
Lahey: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shitbat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.
Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fuckin' collateral, isn't it?
Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?
Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.
Lahey: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?
Ricky: Gimme a fuckin' pen!
Lahey: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?
[Lahey hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]
Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fuckin' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.
Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fuckin' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!
Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.
[the Shitmobile stalls out]
Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!
Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.
Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.
Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?
Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.
Ricky: And I'm a fuck off-er.
Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)
Ricky: What the hell is this?
Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.
Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.
Bubbles: Three years' child support payments you owe, Ricky.
Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies makin' up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?
Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?
Ricky: Some do!
Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.
Ricky: (over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college readin' and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be bangin' him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fuckin' fireworks! Come on!
[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]
Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yeah, what?
Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]
Ricky: Just a second, buddy.
[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]
Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.
Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fuckin' filming me in here.
[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]
Bubbles: The fuck are you filmin' him pee for?
Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera.
[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]
Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]
Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Mr. Lahey: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Lahey: Where's the five grand, Ricky?
Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for a 'Ricky'? I have his encyclopedias.
Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!
Ricky: So what's the damage?
Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
Ricky: What? For a bunch of fuckin' books?
Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fuckin' printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Lahey: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Ricky: Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Lahey: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the encyclopedia saleswoman]
Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissin' time, man! Right on!
Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!
Sarah: My God, Lucy let's... let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.
Ricky: Let's fuckin' get this over with, Lahey.
Lahey: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!
Ricky: Jesus Christ...
Lahey: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)
Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!
Ricky: Bite me, Randy.
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Lahey a peck on the ass]
Randy: That's enough!
Trevor: I can't believe he did that!
Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!
[Ricky spits]
Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's friggin' gross, right?
Lahey: (barely containing his laughter) Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Julian: Leave him alone.

Bubbles: Nobody really knows Ricky the way I do. I just hope he's all right after putting his lips on Mr. Lahey's bum.

[watching an episode of The Littlest Hobo]
Ricky: Every stop I make, I make a new friend...

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park SupervisorEdit

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say...'Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.
Bubbles: Who's there Ricky?
Ricky: A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation
Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?
Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.
Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.
Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.
Randy: It's still my walkie!
Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "it's my walkie now", second thing is "you're suspended", and the fourth thing was, "fuck off".

Mr. Lahey: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.
Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.
Mr. Lahey: Ricky..
[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]
Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!
[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]
Announcer: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm FuckedEdit

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]
Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!
[During a 'confessional']
Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]
Ricky: Unleaded: blue container; supreme: red container; diesel: in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?
Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which one is the supreme?
Ricky: (Breathes out heavily) What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.
Bubbles: Stealing gas? Why, Cory and Trevor, that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas, Cory and Trevor.
Ricky: Yeah, it's fucked up to be stealing gas like Cory and Trevor, I don't want anything to do with Cory and Trevor's gas stealing.
J-ROC: Only wack suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas.....and deal dope.

Ricky: Simply went in to buy some patches for my daughter and all of a sudden my gun was out, which is no big deal, and he overreacts, freaks out, thought we were robbing the place. It's on fuckin' video camera, so since it's on video camera I decided that we should take a bit of shit. If we're gonna go to jail for robbing the place, I mean it's...[a dog starts barking in the background] Will you shut the fuck up, dog! [the dog yelps] gonna be, you know, in a place that looks like you robbed it, you might as well take some shit. That's the way it is. I'm not going to jail for not taking anything, for robbing a place. So we took a bit of stuff!

Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.
Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.
Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my Grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' mistrial.
Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone...Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!
Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.
Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes!
Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!
Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!
Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God...

[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]

Judge: Just the defendant, please.
Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. So I can prove what really fuckin' happened here.

Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to cameraman) Could you guys get the fuck out of the way? Please!

J-ROC: There's two things mafuckas gotta know about J-to-the-R-O-C, straight up, you know what I'm sayin'? First of all, I spin more rhymes than a Lazy Susan and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?Edit

[Bubbles' Rap]
I got a grey kitty,a white one and a tabby too/
And a big orange guy who put snakes in my shoes/
Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as fuck/
I am down with Plato and Socrates/
And I like to get busy with all the ladies./
cunt, cunt/
somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/
Up in my shed, up in my shed...yeah bitches

J-Roc: Turn that shit off, motherfucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!
Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!
Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. (to J-Roc) What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?
J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!
Ricky: Changed my ass, you were fuckin' crankin' it!
J-Roc: You non-knockin' mothafuckas!
Ricky: That was fucked.
Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.
J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?
Julian: Listen man, I got some good news for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.
J-Roc: A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he 'changed' with) Peace, Bub.
Bubbles: Don't touch me.
J-Roc: You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?
Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

Closer to the HeartEdit

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K", and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!
Bubbles: I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.
Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.
Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R...

Bubbles: Lahey, will you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way! We gotta go get Rush tickets!
[Ricky drives the Shitmobile through the garbage]
Randy: Ricky!
[Bubbles gives Lahey and Randy the finger to the opening riff of "Limelight"]

[Randy over phone/radio after stealing Bubbles' answer and winning the Rush radio contest]
Randy: Holy fuck, Mr. Lahey, we won!

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!
Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
Cory: Nice!
Ricky: You sure about this?
Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
Cory: That's cool.
Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.
Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]
Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Ricky, you fuckin' promised me you'd get me a Rush ticket!
Ricky: It wasn't my fault, Bubbles. I'm sorry!
Bubbles: It is your fault! This could affect our friendship, you know!
Ricky: Bubbles, don't talk like that!

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?
Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!
Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

Julian: Don't do anything stupid, Ricky.
Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He probably won't do anything stupid, Julian.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]
Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.
Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?
[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]
Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.
Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Alex Lifeson: Look, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.
Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!
Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.


Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.

(end of voice-over)

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]
Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!
[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]
Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!
Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.
[They walk into the lobby]
Ricky: Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Ricky: I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but he very well could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?
Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?
Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.
Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!
Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.
Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!
Alex Lifeson: I don't do that kind of stuff!
Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this kind of shit!
Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!
Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!
Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...
Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.
Ricky: No, I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?
Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and "stole" a human being!
Ricky: It's like a little rehearsal. You play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dreamworld or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playing your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Julian: Ricky... Ricky...This...You're from Rush.
Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is Ju... ah, Gord, uh, Downie. (to Julian) This is Alex. Hey, play 'I Like To Rock'.
Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.
Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song! Just fuckin' play somethin'!

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]'
Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Alex Lifeson: OK. It's all right.
Ricky: Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cabbie where to go]
Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...
Alex Lifeson: (to cabbie) I'm going downtown.
Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another $1.36 there, dicktree.
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]
Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, wouldja?
Julian: You fucked up big time.
[Alex gives Ricky the finger as the cab drives off]
Ricky: (to Alex) Yeah, fuck off.
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.
Ricky: He fuckin' started it.
Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?
Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?
[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]
Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.
Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.
Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!
Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush.
Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?
Bubbles: Please. What if something gets me?

Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage, during the guitar changes?
Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy: Never do.
Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
Mr. Lahey: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the wintertime.
[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]
Mr. Lahey: How did you idiots get in here?!
Bubbles: [to Alex] Hi, Alex.
Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey.
Alex Lifeson: Hey, I know this guy.
Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
Randy: I don't wear- [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt over Randy's head] frig off!
Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts!
[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]
Mr. Lahey: [To the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.
[The guards drag the boys away]
Donny: [off-screen] WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?
Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I thought we had a deal here! No cops?
Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.
[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]
Randy: Alex, we're on in four...
Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.
Randy: I'm fuckin' tellin'!
[Randy runs out of the room]
Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!
Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!
Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...
Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, here. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!
Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?Edit

Mr. Lahey: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.
Ricky: (attempts to take the phone out of Lahey's hand) Give me the fuckin' phone.
Mr. Lahey: Ricky is a low-shit system-
(Ricky takes the phone out of Lahey's hand)
Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'- ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws away the phone)

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Mr. Lahey: Julian, I'm collecting paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian. Like a shithawk. (to Bubbles) Like a shithawk. Come on, Randy. (walks off screen)
Bubbles: Julian, what's a shithawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?
Julian: Bubbles, shithawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.
Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?
Julian: No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him. (walks off screen)
Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shithawks flyin' around, shitropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Bubbles: Check this baby out...that there's called the Super Double Bunk BQ...built that to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of those together...Duct-taping it.

Bubbles: Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not to allow goofballs like you to put them in a car with no door on it and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecues!

Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
Mr. Lahey: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.
Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.
Mr. Lahey: We were practicing, Randy.
Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.
Mr. Lahey: Randy...
Randy: We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home fine, Mr. Lahey.
Mr. Lahey: (quietly) Randy, please.
Randy: And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun...and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!
Ricky: (shocked) What?
Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.
Mr. Lahey: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody...I'm gay.
[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

The Delusions of Officer Jim LaheyEdit

Randy: I'm making Mr. Lahey some comfort food. I picked these buttercups and froze them in ice cubes, I saw it on "Designer Guys"... great show!

J-Roc: Hey look T, it's Starsky and Gut!

J-Roc: I gotta question for you if you know what I'm sayin'. Free Willy, do cheeseburgers ever blow out of that blowhole of yours?

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its SpotsEdit

Ricky: The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances.

Mr.Lahey: Well Rick, looks like you cooked your shit goose this time, doesn't it?

Mr. Lahey: See this line?
[Lahey draws a line across the ground with a stick]
Mr. Lahey: That's the freedom line, Ricky. You come back over that line, and you go to jail.
Ricky: Uh? Like what, like this?
[Ricky continuously goes back and forth over the line]
Ricky: Like that? Am I going to jail now? Huh?

Ricky: Once a criminal, always a criminal, huh? That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I might as well just march my ass back to jail. Where it's nice and warm. I'm gonna spend the fuckin' winter there, getting drunk and stoned, with good dope.
Mr. Lahey: Is that the end of the great Sunnyvale Trailer Park eviction speech, Ricky?
Ricky: Actually, it's not. Hope you're fuckin' proud of yourself, cause the end of my speech is (points middle finger at Lahey) fuck you, (points middle finger at Randy) fuck you, (points middle finger at Erica) fuck you, (points middle finger at Julian) fuck you, fuck everybody!
Julian: Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay? Cory and Trevor, they're going to get the money. So smarten up, man. Enough of this crazy shit, Rick.
Ricky: You just don't get it, do you?
Julian: What?
Ricky: Have fun on your little cop cruise, all right? Just remember what you gave up: A fuckin' guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, didn't ask any fuckin' questions about nothin', just hang out and have a good fuckin' time. We broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by. Just remember, you gave that up for a fuckin' girlfriend, buddy. A fuckin' cop girlfriend. I know I won't forget it. Thanks a lot. (to Bubbles) Sorry, buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it. Everybody else can fuck off!
Bubbles: That was a good speech, Ricky.

[Ricky stops at a gas station with a cigarette]
Jacob: Excuse me, sir. Could you please step 20 feet away from the pump and extinguish your cigarette?
Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.

[Ricky stops at a Tim Horton's parking lot and climbs on top of his car, trying to get arrested]
Ricky: Hey everybody! Come on over here, please? [Ricky grabs a few people's attention] I just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, driving around town drunk, I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail. Please? [Ricky pulls out his handgun] Not only that, but I got a loaded hand gun right here. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops. [Ricky fires two shots as the people run away]

Ricky: "Closed for renovations"?! This is fucked!

[Attempting to distract Ricky]
Bubbles: Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavoured rum?

"The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)Edit

[Featuring the Trailer Park Boys]
[Video opens with Bubbles & Julian running over to Ricky who is passed out, face down in the driveway.]
Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky, get up!
Julian: Ricky, get up!
Bubbles: Ah, he's drunk as hell, Julian! We gotta go steal a motor, Ricky.
Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Gord's gonna give us some chicken if we get him a new motor.
Ricky: How much chicken?
Gord: One bucket.
Ricky: One bucket, are you fucked in the head? I can easily fuck over like 10 pieces of chicken...not one bucket.
Bubbles: Oh, we didn't know you meant one bucket. I can eat a fuckin' bucket myself.
Ricky: Alright, here's the deal...I want two buckets of chicken...I want some gravy, mashed potatoes, fries...
Bubbles: Yeah, macaroni salad...
Julian: Chocolate cake...
Bubbles: Warm buns, butter, coleslaw...
Gord: One... bucket.
Ricky: Two buckets of chicken and a drive to the liquor store.
Gord: Deal.

Season Four (2004)Edit

Never Cry ShitwolfEdit

Bubbles: J-ROC! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-ROC. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?
J-ROC: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you know what I'm sayin'?
Bubbles: Come on, J-ROC! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?
J-ROC: Let me check this shit out...
Bubbles: (drops the hash) Shit! (hands J-ROC the hash) Check that out.
J-ROC: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)
Bubbles: It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...
J-ROC: All right, B. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?
Julian: All right, all right!
Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?
Julian: Okay, thank you!
Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.
DVS: Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.
J-ROC: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.
Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!
J-ROC: Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'

Mr. Lahey: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.
Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: My Grade 11.

[Bubbles walks up to Randy while playing guitar drunk]
Bubbles: (singing) Fuckin' Randy's gut, it's full of dirty little cheeseburgers...

[bottle kids are walking down the street]

Ricky: (honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, OK? Now listen up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, OK? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Mr. Lahey: Are you really this fucking stupid?
George Green: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?
Mr. Lahey: George, I know it looks like I'm off the-
[George interupts him]
George Green: Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shitwolf. Do you know what a shitwolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shitwolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.
Mr. Lahey: G-
[George interupts him again]
George Green: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.
Mr. Lahey: George..
George Green: No. Say it Jim. Say it.
Mr. Lahey: Never cry shitwolf.

A Man's Gotta EatEdit

Ricky: Chill the fuck out, Donny! I'm fucking trying here, it'll be back up in a bit!
Ricky: Calm the fuck down!
Satellite Employee: Look, if these satellite dishes aren't down in ten minutes, I'll have no choice but to call the cops.
Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof. (to the employee) Listen man, I just got out of jail, don't be calling the cops.
Satellite Employee: Dino, take 'em down now!
Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof!
Bubbles: Dino, call Mr. Slate.
(Ricky starts to pull the dishes off the roof)
Bubbles: Aw Jesus, boys. Look out, I know what's comin'.
(Ricky throws the dishes off the roof)
Satellite Employee: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Ricky: I'm taking every fucking one of these down on the fucking ground, is that what you want, you fucking retards?! You think I give a fuck about this stupid bullshit?! (throws a dish at the van's windshield)
Bubbles: That windshield was already cracked.
Ricky: [shoves a dish into the van through the broken windshield] There. They're in the fucking van, now leave.

Bubbles: Swish is this old, dirty, shitty-tastin', homemade fuckin' liquor that you can... oh, you can barely get her into you, but... my fuck, does it ever get you some drunk.

[Ricky approaches Bubbles while he's playing basketball]
Ricky: Bubbles, you really fucked up this time, didn't you?
(Voice over)
Ricky: Well, Bubbles only plays basketball when he's really pissed off and stressed out so I knew it was a delicately situation that I approached, and, you know, I approached him like an adult.
(End of voice over)
Ricky: How'd you let things get so fucked up, anyway? You know I can't do it, I'm stupid.
Bubbles: What the fuck did you just say to me, Ricky? How did I let it get fucked up? You know what? You can take your assistant trailer park supervisor job, and all your EI papers, illegal mortgages, VISA statements, and all that other bullshit that I'm involved in (points to Ricky's ass) and stick it right in there.
(voice over)
Bubbles: I told him to stick his job and all the papers and everything up his arse, and he didn't even know what I was talkin' about, and then I said Julian left and it's his fault and he still didn't know what I was talking about, so I just got pissed off and I quit.
(End of voice over)
Bubbles: I'm fuckin' quitting, that's it.
Ricky: Fine, fine, go ahead and quit, I don't care. But I can't give you your vacation pay until we get paid, you know that, when we grow the dope and we harvest it, then we get paid.
Bubbles: Well you can give me some chips in the meantime!
Bubbles: He owes me 260 bucks vacation pay, he won't fuckin' pay that so I figured a handfull of chips wasn't too much to ask.
(End of voice over)
[Bubbles grabs some chips from Ricky's bag]
Ricky: Put half of those back.
Bubbles: I'm actually takin' more, Ricky!
[Bubbles grabs more, Ricky pulls the bag away]
Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles, seriously!
Bubbles: (showing Ricky the chips) Look at that.
(Voice-over as Bubbles eats chips)
Bubbles: They were chicken chips, and I don't even like those, but I don't give a fuck.
(End of voice over)

Randy: You looking for a date? 10 bucks or 6 Dairy Queen coupons.

Ricky: Here's a little piece of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.
Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky
Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.

Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?
Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: (to a drunk, homeless Julian) You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect: Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.
Julian: (laughs drunkly) Assistant.
Ricky: That's right, buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.
[Randy overhears]
Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!
Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky: How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?
Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?
Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.
Randy: I want my friggin' burger, Rick!
Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.
[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]
Ricky: Fuck off Randy!
Randy: Fuck you!
Ricky: You get the fuckin' chicken chips-
[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]
Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!
[Lahey sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]
Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!
Randy: IT'S MINE!!
Mr. Lahey: [in shock] Smokey!
[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]
[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]
Ricky: [in pain] Fuck!!! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!
[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]
Announcer: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: What are you doing?! Give me that!
Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!
Mr. Lahey: Randy, how could you do that?
Ricky: Jesus Christ!!!
Randy: Do what?
Mr. Lahey: What you were doing with Ricky?
Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.
Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bow and... You fuckin' shot me!
Mr. Lahey: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.
Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!
Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.
Ricky: That doesn't even make sense, Julian.
Julian: It's even, Ricky.
Ricky: I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!
Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.
[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]
Ricky (in more pain) AGHHHH!!! FUUUCK!!!
Julian: Get outta here!
[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]
Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!
Ricky: I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!
Julian: Rick, go home!
Ricky: (to Randy) Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down!! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!
Randy: Yeah.
Bubbles: Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Rub 'N Tiz'zugEdit

TV Narrator: The Sasquatch: Fact Or Fiction?
Ricky: Those big hairy monsters, they're real, Trin. Look at that thing.
Trinity: No, they're not.
Ricky: What person ever moved like that in the history of people?

[Bubbles hears some rustling at his shed door]
TV Narrator: nocturnal by nature, so logically there would be relatively few sightings.
[Bubbles sees a hairy hand trying to unlatch the door of his shed]
TV Narrator: Yet there have been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now.
Bubbles: (mouths but does not vocalize) Oh my fuck! (grabs his phone and dials)
TV Narrator: Can all these people be wrong?
[Ricky's phone rings]
Ricky: Trevor, stop fuckin' calling me, I got no dope. Oh, hey Bubbs. Man, are you watching that documentary on Saskatchewans?
Bubbles: It's "Samsquamtch" Ricky, and there's one right outside my fuckin' door right now, he's trying to get into my shed.
Ricky: (looks out the window to see the 'sasquatch' trying to break into Bubbles's shed) Holy shit, Bubbles, I see him. Don't scare him, those fuckers are worth a lot of money. (cuts to Ricky sneaking up towards the 'sasquatch' and jumping on him) Got the cocksucker, Bubbles!
(Bubbles gets out of his shed and he and Ricky start hitting the 'sasquatch' with baseball bats)
Bubbles: Give it to the bastard!
Trinity: Get him, Daddy!
(the 'sasquatch' takes the bat from Bubbles)
Bubbles: Jesus, he took my bat. He took my- (gets hit by the bat) Agh! (raises his fist) Crank him, Ricky! (gets hit by the bat again)

Ricky: Bubbles, go get some tape, tape yourselves up, and we'll go steal some furniture for Mr. Fucking Selfish. Holy fuck, this cereal's good.

Bubbles: Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?
Julian: Massage...
Ricky: Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit?
Bubbles: Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks...
Ricky: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.
Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna rent them out by the hour.
Bubbles: Aw, that's greasy.
Ricky: That's really fuckin' greasy.
Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.
Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-heasy.

Ricky: Holy fuck boys! Cyrus #1!
[The boys start vandalizing Cyrus' car]
Bubbles: It says "Dick" and there's an arrow pointing right to Cyrus.

Julian: What do you think, Bubbs?
Bubbles: Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.
DVS: They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.
Bubbles: What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.
Julian: All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.
DVS: I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here, with the hos, homie.
J-Roc: Peace out, slingblade!
Bubbles: It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos.

J-Roc: Like, I'll go to fuckin' jail, you know what I'm sayin', 'cause I'm hard, right? I ain't shook about goin' to jail. But it's like, I kinda like my freedom, too, at the same time, know what I mean?

Phil: What are you looking at my gut for?

[The drawers drop out of a dresser as they're stealing it from a hotel]

Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?
J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Julian: Cyrus?!
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?
Cyrus: Well, well, well... (to Julian) If it isn't the big, tough Julianne, (to Bubbles) the Hubble-Bubble Telescope, (to Ricky) and Helmet Head.
Bubbles: (under his breath) Fuckin' call me a telescope...
Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dickweeds. (pulls a gun)
Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?
Cyrus: (chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?
Cory: (walks out of the trailer) Julian, where's the hand cream?
Cyrus: (takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand) I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.
T: You failed Grade 10?
Cyrus: (points his gun towards the Roc Pile) Fuck off! (points to his vandalized car) And what's this, 'I'm a fuckhead'? Huh?
Ricky: Actually, it says 'I'm fucked in the head', 'cause you are.
Sarah: Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.
Ricky: I don't fucking know, they went home two hours ago. They told me.
Sarah: Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

Ricky: Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, look the fuck out.

Cyrus: I bet one of you isn't even man enough, to knock this chip off my shoulder.
[Randy comes through the car door and marches up to Cyrus]
Randy: I am, Cyrus. And I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, you dirty bitch!

The Green BastardEdit

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, OK? Instead of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.
Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.
Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, OK? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles: I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)
Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!
Ricky: You look good, buddy!
Bubbles: Green Bastard!

Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?
Barb: Don't! Richard!
[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]
Berney Sanford: My car!
Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!
Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!
Lahey: You're right Berney, he's the epitome (pronounced "epi-toam") of refractory!
Ricky: Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!
Berney Sanford: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)
Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?
Berney Sanford: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. (clenches his fist) 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Cory Braidhead... He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?
Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.
Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. (bodyslams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!
Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away)
Bubbles: (puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!




[opening monologue]

Bubbles: (talking to his cats) Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy... There's just so many of you around right now and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. (sighs)
Ricky: (upon arriving at Bubbles' shed) Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants we know it'll get done.
Bubbles: (moans)
Julian: Shh. Listen.
Bubbles: (distressed moan)
Ricky: What the fuck's he doing in there?
(the door flings open and hits Ricky in the face)
Bubbles: Oh my God, what happened?
Ricky: Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

[at the 1st Annual Sunnyvale Trailer Park Bake Sale]

Lahey: (to camera) U.N. president J. Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

Julian: Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!
Bubbles: No, it's not that bad, Julian!
Julian: No no no no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here...
Bubbles: I can get 'er out, it's no pr...
Julian: No, open up, let me take a look.
Bubbles: No, it's no problem!
Julian: Let me take a look! Open up!
Bubbles: Julian!
Julian: Bubbles, open up!
Bubbles: (opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning)
Julian: Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy!
Bubbles: No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!
Ricky: You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.
Bubbles: But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.
Ricky: Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!

[explaining what "Conky" is]

Julian: In Grade 6, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.
Ricky: What a little asshole.
Julian: He took it with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidant.
Ricky: His what?
Julian: Never mind. Anyway, we had to take Conky away because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time.
Ricky: Yeah, it was like, even though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as being Bubbles. And you know, he'd try to act like this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was... It was fucked.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!
Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!
Ricky: (to the puppet) I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.
Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do... stupid!
Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now...(turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here...
Julian: No no no...(pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.
Bubbles: What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't...
Julian: No no no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!
Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?
Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's OK to go to the hospital?
Bubbles: Conky, do you think...Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?
Conky: Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Ricky! (disturbed giggle)
Ricky: (to the puppet) Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Nurse: Can I help you?
Julian: Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.
Bubbles: No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.
Nurse: (to Ricky) I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. (to Julian) And is this gentleman with you too?
Ricky: Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?
Nurse: (to Ricky) And what is your problem, sir?
Ricky: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?
Conky: And he's fucked in the head.
Ricky: Conky-
Conky: He needs a brain transplant.
Ricky: (grasps Conky by his throat) I'm serious, you better fuck off.
Julian: (moves Ricky's hand away from Conky) Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
Ricky: You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.
Nurse: Sir, let's all calm down.
Julian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ricky: You wan't a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?
Julian: Ricky.
Conky: Don't you touch me.
Ricky: (punches Conky in the face) Stop fucking looking at me, Conky
Nurse: What is the gentleman's first name?
Julian: Bubbles.
Ricky: Fucking dick.
Nurse: And what is his last name?
Julian: Uh... just Bubbles.
Ricky: Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.
Nurse: Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?
Julian: (points to Bubbles) He lives in my shed, (points to Ricky) Ricky lives in his car.
Nurse: Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?
Ricky: I do have one last bit of information for ya. (sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand) This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?
(the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk)
Ricky : Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!
Julian: Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Ricky : The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car, you won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?
Conky: Nice going, Ricky.
Ricky : Fuck you, Conky.
(the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital)
Ricky : Fuck!
Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.
Conky: Frig off, Washington. (to Ricky and Julian) Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!
Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt...
Julian: Bubbs, Bubbs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?
Ricky: (pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck whose self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!
Julian: Rick, who the hell are you talking to?
Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.
Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!
Julian: (pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky... Ricky, you just pissed on me!
Ricky: Well, you pulled me away!
Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Randy: (while pouring Lahey a drink) Are you sure you want to use the community fund for this, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy. We have no choice.

[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]

Conky: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!
Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?
Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?
Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!
Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?
Bubbles: (submissively) Yes, Conky.
Conky: Good.

[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]

Conky: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like... idiot!
Ricky: Did you just call me an idiot, Conky, huh?
Conky: Maybe I did... Reveen.
Ricky: All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.
Conky: He's the fuckin' man they call....
Julian: Don't say it, Bubbles.
Conky: ...Reveeeeen!
Ricky: That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)
Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.
Ricky: Yes I am.
Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.
Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.
Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.
(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)
Conky: Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick... Swayze.
Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles.
Conky: (sings to the tune of Unchained Melody) Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze, (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancing.
(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles)
Bubbles: Oh my God! Julian, what happened?
Julian: (hugs Bubbles) Sorry buddy, you were going crazy on us, man.
Sam Losco: Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.
Bubbles: Fuck off, Sam.
Ricky: Fuck, the cops are here, boys! I got an idea. It's pretty fucked up, but it might work, okay?
Bubbles: Is that dog pee?
Ricky: Yeah. Hold this, Bubbles. I say we got about a 10% chance of getting out of this one, boys.
George: (over loudspeaker) Attention! This is the police! Put down your weapons...
Ricky: Is that George Green, boys?
Bubbles: That's definitely George Green!
Ricky: Wicked! Okay, forget what I said! Our chances just went up to 95%!

[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]

Julian: All right boys, let's dump him in.
Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?
Ricky: No way, bad idea, Bubbles.
Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go. (Julian leaves with a tearful Bubbles)
Ricky: (tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It FreeEdit

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]
Ricky: Bubbles, hold the bernoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.
[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]
Ricky: I could need some help from you dicks, alright?
[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]
Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!
[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]
Ricky: Friggin' idiot.
Crew Member: Frig off, Rick!
Ricky: Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.
[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]
Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!
[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]
Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]
Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.
Ricky: You little fucker. OK, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.
Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.
Ricky: Why?
Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this, I know kitties.
Ricky: What if he has radies?
Bubbles: Ricky, it's "rabies", with a B, not "radies." And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See, he's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go right? Remember the saying: if you love something set it free?
Bubbles: I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.
Ricky: This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but... I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there 'Steve,' or whatever the fuck your name is?
Bubbles: Steve French.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!
Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.
Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs, Peterson's car!

Mr. Lahey: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?
Ricky: What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? (lights a cigarette) You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.
Mr. Lahey: You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?
Randy: Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.
Ricky: What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?
Randy: I understand it.
Ricky: Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)
Randy: Frig off, Ricky!
Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! (slams the car door)

Bubbles: Shit abyss, I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.
Julian: Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.
Ricky: What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?
Julian: Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?
Ricky: No.
Julian: Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.
Ricky: Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]
Mr.Lahey: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!
Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!
Mr.Lahey: That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy: Ricky, get this cat outta here or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You know, children, family?
Ricky: I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.
Lucy: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?
Ricky: Actually, yes I do.

Mr.Lahey: The shit abyss.
Randy: Mr. Lahey, not another night of the shit abyss, please?
Mr. Lahey: Ah, fuck it.

Ricky: What's that fuckin' smell?
Julian: Keep driving, Rick.
Ricky: Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat...
Julian: Nah, everything's cool, Rick.
Bubbles: Ricky?
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Steve French pooped on the seat.

[After Bubbles emotionally said goodbye to Steve French]:
Bubbles: Are you guys crying?
Ricky: [trying to hold back his tears] No, we're not fuckin' crying!

Propane, PropaneEdit

Sarah: Ricky. I just wanted to come and tell you that Corey and Trevor are now mine!
Ricky: Sarah I'm so sick of your shit. I own Corey and Trevor and that's never going to fuckin' change!

Jim Lahey: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know, he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint and then he turned into a shit bonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash a shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shit waves.

Jim Lahey: *Drunk* Hey, Bubbles. I need a little (starts singing) Propane Propane. Time to start the game. Propane Propane.
Bubbles: Mr Lahey.. You're pissing yourself.

Working ManEdit

Lahey: Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil: *singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana*
Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?
Bubbles: Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!
Rita Mcneil: *handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

Lahey: You are the dumbest cop on the force, George. The dumbest.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happend to your head, man?
Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.
J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail
T: Yeah, that's not J-Roc, J-Roc's in jail till the album drops!
J-Roc: That's right, T.

Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)Edit

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle.
Lucy: (confessional) I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a... It's a mistletoe belt buckle.
Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so... It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky: There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get fucked up!
Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]
Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?
Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Get your stuff!
Ricky: No, Bubbs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.
Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we getting you out! Sign out!
Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is!
[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]
Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!
[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]
Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! Keep him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray: So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?
Ricky: Dad, not this shit!
Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...
Ricky: No...
Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?
Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?
Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' dis jail.
Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!
Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.
Ray: Huh?
Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.
Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!
Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.
Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.
Ray: Ricky, come on, you know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?
Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.
Ricky: What?...
Ricky: Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?
Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!
Ricky: But it'd piss him off!
Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!
Ricky: You never mixed that up?
Ray: No!
Ricky: Bubs, you never mixed that up?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?
Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?
Ray: No! Rick, no.
Ricky: Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!
Ricky: Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!
Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...
Bubbles: (laughs) Nerds!
Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!
Cory: You want one of these ones, er...
Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!
Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!
Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!
Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!

Randy: Hey! Do you like to party?
Barb: Excuse me?
Randy: Do you like to party?
Barb: Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?
Randy: Barb Lahey?
Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!
Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.
Barb: Randal...
Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.
Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy: Simon?
Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.
Lahey: Staying with us...
Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.
[Barb walks out of the room]
Randy: Simon, you're married?!
Lahey: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

[exterior transition shot of the park, a dog is barking]
Woman: Shut the fuck up!
Man: Brenda, you shut the fuck up!

Ricky: The fuck was that?
Bubbles: Take a guess! What are sirens usually bolted to the roof of?

[Police officers arrive at the trailer park to confiscate stolen Christmas trees]}
Officer Cliff: Would anyone be willing to tell me who they bought their Christmas tree from this year?

Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.
Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!
Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.
Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church...
Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going...
Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope...
Ray: WAY IT GOES! Way it goes, boys.

Lahey: If I can't play, Randy, no one can.
[Lahey shuts off power to the trailer park]
[Jamie puts a record on]
Jamie: Tyler, have you ever tried marijuana?
Tyler: I don't know, Jamie. Marijuana's pretty hardcore.
Jamie: No it isn't. Everybody's doing it. I think we should try it.
[Jamie lights up a joint as the power goes out; the sound of the record slows down to a stop]
Tyler: That sounded pretty cool.

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

Season Five (2005)Edit

Give Peace a ChanceEdit

Ricky: I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.
Bubbles: Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.
Terry: Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?
Dennis: Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j-just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'...
Terry: Don't point the fucking gun at me!
Dennis: Put the fucking guns down!
(As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally points the gun at their grandmother as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of--or ignoring--what's going on)
Dennis: Don't point the gun at my grandmother!!
Julian: I'm just taking a look at it!

(Julian and Ricky are having a stand-off with Cyrus)
Cyrus: And give me those fucking guns too, boys! I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.
Julian: Guess what?
Cyrus: What?
Julian: (waves the gun in his face) This is my gun now, so fuck off!
Cyrus: No, you fuck off!
Julian: No, you fuck off!
Cyrus: No, you fuck off!
Ricky: Cyrus, you fuck off first and then we'll fuck off!
Bubbles: Ricky, just everybody- we'll all fuck off at the same time, calm down.
Ricky: I'm not fuckin' off.
Cyrus: Well then I guess we're at a fuckin' stand-still, aren't we Ricky?
Ricky: Yeah, I know how to fix that.
Cyrus: How?
Ricky: Fuck off!

(upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles)
Bubbles: It's a liquorlanche!

Ray: Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big-time, OK? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big-time. They took all your money, it's all gone, you don't own the park, everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.
[brief pause]
Ricky: [dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right here. You're saying Cory and fucked up?

Ricky: (to Lahey when he says he's sorry) Oh, you're fuckin' sorry are you? What do you wanna do, play a big song on the Magdalene? (imitates someone playing a violin with a bow) You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry. (Ricky appears to be confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene).

The Shit PuppetsEdit

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I mean right now, I mean, everyone's at my Dad's place. Fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself then good 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...its obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean obviously she used our money to buy them anyway so, if you think about it, I sorta own one-third of them.

Ricky: Actually, Sarah, let's go with the milk.
Sarah: "Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?
Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?
Sarah: Why, so that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

Randy: Why'd you let them go, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: Because they're my little shit puppets Randy, performing in our shit play.
Randy: I don't understand, sir.
Lahey: You will, Ran. You will.

You Got to Blame the Thing Up HereEdit

Ricky: Well I was plannin' on takin' the blame, cuz I mean there is a pretty good chance that I did it. Well, I mean I did do it. But Bubbles took the blame, so once someone takes the blame, whaddya do? I couldn't take it then, he had already taken it.

Ricky: Fuck off, dog.

Jim Lahey is a Fuckin' Drunk And He Always Will BeEdit

[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]
Ricky: Hey, Dad!
Ray: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.
Ray: Smells good, buddy.
Ricky: There's only 3 pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.
Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.
Ricky: Cool.
Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.
Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?
Ray: I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.
Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.
Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.
Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?
Ray: I don't...What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.
Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?
Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another point: We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?
Ricky: From a cow.

[Bubbles smells the bacon cooking in his sleep]
Bubbles: Yes, can I order pancakes please...with syrup...and...butter...bacon...hash browns...toast...with...butter...
[A cat meows, waking him up]
Bubbles: Aw, fuck! That was gonna be delicious!

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs.
Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?
Ricky: Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.
[Bubbles looks to Ray, Ray shakes his head no]
Ricky: I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?
Bubbles: Of an old bread heel?
Ricky: Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.
[Ricky holds out the pan, Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease]
Bubbles: You do it, too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?
[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]
Bubbles: It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?
Ricky: A little bit left in that.
[Ricky hands Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor; Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face, he hands it back to Ricky and Ricky downs the rest]
Ricky: You still pissed off?
Bubbles: Well, kind of.

Randy: I can't believe Trinity was throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey.
Lahey: Shitapple.

Randy: Well, it's... it's a little bit stressful, you know? I mean, Mr. Lahey's been doing really good. He hasn't had a drink since the day that he tried to kill Ricky and he had about 49 drinks that day. But lately, you know, he's been talking about liquor and calling me 'Bobandy' which he normally only does when he's drunk. So, just the thought of him drinking again, it scares the shit out of me.

[Over a department store loudspeaker]
Ricky: Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department. Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department and hurry the fuck up! Thank you.

[After getting caught stealing a rocket kit from a department store]
Ricky: I want to press charges, number one, for the front door out there. It's dangerous and I could have been killed going into the store.
Mall Cop: You can press charges when the cops get here. They're on their way.
Ricky: All right, I will. We don't need to call the cops, I mean, you guys are smarter than real cops. You guys are mall cops! Why do we need real cops?

Ricky: The fake cheque trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's cheques like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops, it's gonna be easy. In the worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the cheque. You never have to pay. It's awesome!

Mall Cop: All right, I'm gonna have to get some names, here.
Trevor: I'm Cory Lahey.
Cory: Um, Trevor Lahey.
Mall Cop: Are those your real names, boys?
Trevor: Yes, sir.
Mall Cop: Are they really?
Trevor: No...I'm Trevor and he's Cory. We were lyin'.

[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]
Bubbles: What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!!
Ricky: No way! Fuckin' decnals, man! Check those out!
[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]
Julian: Drinks, boys! Drinks!
[Ricky takes the dog dish]
Ricky: Well let's make toast, boys!
Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.
Bubbles: This is a good time! (takes a drink) I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on boys, then lets get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky: Aw, man, that is fuckin' cool! Nice decnals!

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!
Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbinator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over... How's that buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Randy: Hey, boys! We got a complaint that someone was gettin' high and drunk and playin' space in the middle of the street!
Ricky: Yeah, US! I'm fuckin' stoned right now! You got a problem with that?

Bubbles: You guys wanna stay and watch? You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?
Randy: Does it really launch, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Does it really launch? Does the Tin Man have a sheetmetal cock?

Ray: Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and eleven fifteen? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.
Randy: Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray!
Ray: Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk and he always will be!
[Randy grabs Lahey's water bottle]
Randy: Gimme a drink!
Lahey: Randy...
Randy: Gimme a drink!
Lahey: Let it go, Randy!
[Randy lets go of the bottle and it splashes all over him as Lahey pulls away; Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his hand]
Randy: It's vodka!
Lahey: 131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Lahey: You just opened Pandora's shitbox, Ray!

Don't Cross the Shit LineEdit

Ricky: I mean...nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli...but...I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first can doesn't count. Then you get to the second and third. Fourth and fifth, I think I burnt with the blowtorch. And then I just kept eatin'.

The Winds Of ShitEdit

Ricky: Dartmouth Regional Vocational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we were going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vocational school.
Julian: Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.
Ricky: Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta- fuck.
Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.
Ricky: I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.
Julian: This is the perfect place to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.
Bubbles: You'll do alright, Ricky.
Julian: Think about this, think about your daughter, think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man Come on, let's go.
Ricky: Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7.
Ricky: Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fucksakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big-smart-thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break in to the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honourly system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good.
(end of voice-over)
Ricky: Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. Think about it, I'm stupid.
Julian: Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one reason and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.
Bubbles: There's two ways to look at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs and Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances, he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.

Ray: Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?
Julian: What's wrong with reading books?
Ray: Nothing wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts, it's the Bible. It says to help your friends.
Julian: Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?
Ray: It's open to interpretation Julian, it's the Bible.

Mr. Lahey: You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?
Bubbles: No.
Mr. Lahey: Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.
Ricky: (off-screen) What the fuck are you going on about?
Mr. Lahey: Can you hear it?
Bubbles: No, I don't hear anything.
Mr. Lahey: Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the old shit barometer rises and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend... shit winds are a-comin'.

Julian: Holy shit, look at all the books!
Ricky: Fuck off with the books, Julian. I'm serious.

Dressed All Over & Zesty MordantEdit

Ricky: Why don't you suck my cock, Trevor? How 'bout that, you skinny little fuckin' weasel?

Ricky: Hey, Trevor, knock-knock.
Trevor: I'm not gonna say, "who's there," Ricky.
Ricky: You just did, you fuckin' idiot.
[Ricky rips off Trevor's pants]

Ricky: (notices the large amount of shopping carts) Nice! Where'd you get all the carts?
Bubbles: I don't know what Julian did down there, Ricky, but it's a gold mine down at the mall.

Mr. Lahey: Hello, gentlemen! Hey, Jules. Having a little drinky-poo? Tasty, isn't it? Couple of drinks on a hot day.
Randy: We're just here to do the lot water tests, boys.
Mr. Lahey: Randy. We're just here to do lot water tests, boys. It'll just take a sec.
Julian: Lahey, I live in a tent.
Bubbles: I have a shed, Lahey. I don't have water.
Ricky: Listen here, Captain Drunkity-Cock, none of us have water, so we don't need any of this crap. (takes the testing equipment out of Randy's hands and throws it away )
Mr. Lahey: Ricky! Destruction of property, Rick.
Randy: Barb says we got full authority to do tests.
Ricky: Yes, Randy, you're right. I'm sorry. You do have full authority... to fuck right off and fuck off good, okay? And you can fuck off too, Mr. Lahey.

I Am The LiquorEdit

Mr. Lahey: That video game is the key to Shitty City, Randy, and Julian is muscular mayor.

Mr. Lahey: Randy... I got $100 here for groceries, I got $1400 here for liquor, and I got $6000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta make em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.
Randy: Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.
Mr.Lahey: Wouldn't that be nice?
Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.
Mr. Lahey: (confidently) Exactly, Randy.
Randy: Mr Lahey, is this you talking or the liquor?
Mr. Lahey: Randy...
[Lahey takes a big sip out of his liquor bottle]
Mr. Lahey: I am the liquor.

Bubbles: NO BRAKE BURNS, RICKY!! NO DONUTS... fuck, he gonna wreck it.

The Shit BlizzardEdit

Trevor: But Julian, this is a pirate's gun.
Bubbles: Well Trevor, I guess that makes you Long-John Dickweed, then.

Mr. Lahey: You feel that Randy?
Randy: What, Mr.Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: The way the shit clings to the air.
Randy: What Mr.Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: Randy, my boy, it's already started.
Randy: What's started, Mr. Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: The Shit Blizzard.

Cyrus: What the fuck is that?
Dennis: I think it's a giant cock and someone's riding it like a cowboy.
Terry: Is that you, Cyrus?
Cyrus: Can't you fucking read, Terry? That's my name with an arrow pointing at it!

Cyrus: Cory? Trevor? You guys okay?
Trevor: Sorry Cyrus, we're okay!
Cory: Sorry dude, I think we fucked up!
Cyrus: (chambers a round) Well, how 'bout we fuck down! (begins shooting at Cory and Trevor while the boys come from behind and open fire on him)
Announcer: (off-screen) WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Cyrus: Is that the best you got, Bubbles?! (returns fire at the boys and Bubbles does the same to him as Julian rescues Cory and Trevor)
Ricky: Get the fuck outta here, Cyrus!
Bubbles: I'm out, Ricky! I'm out!
Ricky: (to Cyrus, Terry and Dennis) Get the fuck outta this park!
(Dennis and Terry appear and start firing at the boys while Julian shoots back, covering Cory and Trevor's escape)
Cyrus: Make me!
Ricky: I'll fuckin' make you! (to Bubbles) Holy fuck, I'm hungry. You got anything to eat, Bubs?
Bubbles: No, I got nothin' to eat, Ricky!
Ricky: You reloaded? We gotta cover Julian.
Bubbles: I'm tryin' to.
(Julian appears, carrying Cory and Trevor over his shoulders)
Julian: Rick, help me get them in the car!
Ricky: Put 'em in the trunk!
Julian: What?!
Ricky: They're fuckin' bleeding! You know the rules!
Julian: Oh, for fuck's sakes!
Ricky: (to Cory and Trevor) You guys fucked up big time! In the trunk!
Julian: Shit, get in the trunk, boys! Let's go, let's go!
Ricky: Let's go! In the car, Bubs!
Julian: Move, move, move, move, move!
(the boys drive off as Dennis and Terry fires at them with Julian returning fire)
Cyrus: Fuck! (he, Dennis and Terry put their guns down)
Julian: Listen, boys.
Julian: Alright, I think it's over. Let's reload just in case.

Mr. Lahey: Somebody's got to be on duty, George. Who's the officer in charge, George? Who's the officer in charge here?
George Green: I thought you were in charge Jim. Why aren't you on duty?
Mr. Lahey: (drunkenly) I've always been on duty, George. Always. I haven't been off-duty for 25 years. Never.
George Green: Ugh. You're so fucked Lahey!
[George talks to dispatch on his walkie]
George Green: Dispatch, this is off-duty cop George Green at Sunnyvale Trailer Park. You had a report earlier of gunfire. Disregard, there's nothing going on--
[Lahey aggresively grabs the walkie]
Mr. Lahey: Officer down! Officer down!
[Lahey throws George's walkie away]
Mr. Lahey: Sorry, George! You're a shitty cop, George. I want a real cop here.

Ricky: The thing with me is that I AM smart and I’m smelf, I’m self smarted, basically, by myself, basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I’ve self… s… like self learned myself. And that’s the whole difference I guess is that I don’t need the books or the schooling type things. I just get everything on my own and because of that I’m alive right now. I mean, if I had read more books or tried to go on to college and different things like that I’d be dead right now, because people say books and college are for to be make you smarter, but they can also be for to be make you dead, which is what could have happened to me. My brain doesn’t use enough oxygen because I don’t have the whole thing filled with different stuff and if it was full--it’s only part full--and that’s why I’m alive right now. The guards are giving me here, you know--"read this book, try to get smarter"--but I’m like, all right, I’ll pretend to read it but I’m not going to really read it 'cause my brain will be more full and if I have another heart attack I’m going to die...I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity and get my family going again. Basically that’s all that matters to me. They come to visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever which is awesome. Lucy seems to be really digging me and looking really good and I just wanna get out of here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smoking. I’m going to quit smoking cigarettes first, and then, you know, work off the dope or whatever eventually...although, I don’t know.

Season Six (2006)Edit

The Way of the RoadEdit

Ricky: I got stung by one of those bumble-cocksuckers! Do you have any suave?
Lucy: Salve?

Ricky: That's nothing, Julian, me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.
Bubbles: 70 bucks each?
Ricky: No, 30 bucks each.
Bubbles: (to Ray) 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.
Ray: Moving on, Bud...

The Cheeseburger PicnicEdit

Randy: I'm not signing shit! Why don't you go pave your cave, you fucking caveman.
Sam: What the fuck did you just call me?
Barb: Well... you are a caveman, Sam.
Randy: Yeah! A fucking caveman!
Sam: Listen Burger Boy, you fuckin' pay me right now!

High Definition Piss JugsEdit

Steve Rogers: Do you know Cory and Trevor of 'Cory & Trevor's Convients Store'?

Bubbles: Yeah, I know those dickweeds.

Ricky: Lucy is banging cops, which is no big deal, I guess. I don't run Lucy. She's...for to be her own woman.

Ricky: One of the things he taught me was "One man's garbage is another man person's good ungarbage."

Where in the Fuck is Oscar Goldman?Edit

Ricky: And sure, I'm fuckin' hungover and burnt out, but that's what being a good dad's all about

Trevor: Hey guys! I found a mushroom that looks like a cock!

Trevor: Mr Lahey, Julian's out here lifting weights with his shirt off! He wants you to come out and have a few drinks with him!

Halloween 1977Edit

Ricky: Randy's got some fuckin' nerve throwing everybody out of this park. That big, cocky prick, he's fuckin' up to something, I know he is. Something to do with us, trying to set us up or some shit. If Randy thinks he's smartner than me, he's wrong.

Mr. Lahey: Halloween 1977, Jules. You remember, don't you, Bubbles? Yo, what's at work here? It's the shit-tectonics. When two shit-plates strike, and come together under incredible pressure, what happens, Bubbles?
Bubbles: What, Mr. Lahey?
Mr. Lahey: Shit-quake. May the Force be with you gentlemen, and may I be with the Force.

Bubbles: I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.
Ricky: Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.
Julian: I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.
Ricky: We dressed up as people from Star Wars and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as. Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.
Bubbles: Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids but he was still drivin' liquor into him.
Julian: Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.
Ricky: Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one, it was probably Julian but I think it was Bubbles, said 'let's go mess around with his cop car over here'.
Bubbles: Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.
Ricky: They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.
Bubbles: Put it out of gear and off it went and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God. Now we did it".
Ricky: And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse and liquor spilled all over his crotch.
Julian: Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.
Ricky: He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.
Bubbles: He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk and as they started arguing all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.
Ricky: It came down to two choices and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they- they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.
Julian: He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.
Bubbles: Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.

Gimme My Fucking Money or Randy's DeadEdit

Phil Collins Hey! You owe me, you fuckin' greasy caveman!!

Ricky (While hiding behind Phil during the shoot-out with Sam) Sam, you're fucking losing it, bud. Take off your sunglasses and look at the goddamn situation here. I have a human house! Go ahead, you can't even fucking shoot me, you see that?

Sam So, me and the burger boy are going to a bank machine to get my money so I don't go back to jail.

Randy Sam, I only have $160 in the bank. Sam $160?! Randy I only make $4600 a year! Sam Fuck! [kicks Randy's BBQ] Barb Sam! Randy My burgers!

Ricky (Forcing Phil to follow him down near the Moose) Let's fuckin' go, Phil Collins!

Phil (Stumbling) I can't do this, Ricky!

Ricky (Pushing him) Shut the fuck up!

Phil "All right, I'm shuttin' up. I'm shuttin' the fuck up."

Ricky My dad's the Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor now. He just fucking loves it. I mean he basically doesn't do a fucking thing. Just drives around, has some drinks, and says hi to people. It's awesome.

Ray How's it going? [to park residents]

Ray $5200 bucks a year! Come on! Life's good.

Ricky Life for me now is just SO fucking great. I just grow lots of dope, spend time with Lucy and Trinity....Things are going really, really well. And Lucy is being so fucking cool, I get drunk 3 or 4 times a week with my friends, get stoned, play video games...I just don't know how life can get any better than this.

Season Seven (2007)Edit

I Fuckin' Miss Cory and TrevorEdit

Lucy: [to Ricky] What happened to the guy I made love with in the bathroom of the Kentucky Fried Chicken? HUH?? What happened to that guy?
Ricky: [Looks away]

Bubbles: Ray...rippin' the plumbin' outta your walls for liquor money...IS fucked!

I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big DealEdit

J-ROC: What's crackin', y'all? Let me be the first to officially welcome y'all ma-fuckas to my brand-new joint: Scrilla Villa! Aight dog, check it out. Let me explain somethin' to ya. Ya know'm sayin'? Me' n' T had to get somethin' set up with the babies on the way, know'm sayin', with the family, ya know'm mean, so we had to start workin'. That's when I realized the airport has some interesting job opportunities, dog.
Tyrone: That's right. We had to seize the muthafucka!
J-ROC: Carpe dizzem, ya know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: That's right.
J-ROC: That's why we started gankin' luggage.
J-ROC: This is all the shit we ganked from overseas, ya know'm sayin'? It's all from Europe! It's tight! Ma-fuckas come back with some crazy-ass shit, dog. You want a box for ya bling? It's ten ma-fuckas! It's tight, cheap, and dope. I'm out.
J-ROC: This here room is what I call "Liquors of the World", dog. You know'm sayin'? Look at all this shit that ma-fucks bring back. It's ya passport to gettin' drunk, you know'm sayin'? (picks up a bottle shaped like a guitar) Glug-glug, ting-ting-ting-ting-ting!
J-ROC: (picks up a shoe) Real snake! What? Sayin'! We so busy now, ya know'm mean, I had to hire employees, ya know'm mean! That's Lucy right there. Lucy one of my employees. (points to her stomach) That li'l ma-fucka ain't, though! I ain't payin' for that ma-fucka!

Ricky: Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?
Ray: (laughs) You're joking, right, Rick?
Ricky: No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.
Ray: Fuck, um...
Ricky: There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but.. Me and Lucy haven't banged in 7 months and she's 6 months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...
Ray: Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

[Randy rips his pants]
Randy: Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!
[Barb laughs]
Randy: It's not funny, Barb! (punches the wall)
Lahey: Randy...
[Randy walks away and punches the wall again]
Barb: Randy!
Randy: BALLS! My best pants! (punches the wall again)
Lahey: Randy!
Randy: This is friggin'...(punches the wall again)
Barb: Randy!
Lahey: Randy!

[Bubbles reads an ad out of a magazine]
Bubbles: Decent! Julian, check this out!
Julian: What?
Bubbles: Look! "Tenth Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention"! Look who's hosting! Sebastian Bach, Skid Row! My God, "Trains from all over the world, this year featuring the Swayzie Express"!
Julian: Swayzie Express? Patrick Swayze?
(voice over)
Bubbles: Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing because, when we were kids in school the other kids used to tease him and call him "Patrick Swayze" but Julian was reeeeally into Dirty Dancing! I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing! Ricky told everyone at school and from then on they teased him, "Patrick Swayze"!
(voice over)
Julian: Are you fucking with me here, Bubbs? 'Cause it's not funny, man.
Bubbles: No, Julian! Not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor, Patrick Swayze. This is a different one.

[Lucy and Sarah are helping Randy try on new pants]
Lucy: The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.
Sarah: Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.
Randy: They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!
[Randy rocks from side to side, stretching in the new pants as Sarah checks a cuff]
Sarah: Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.
[Randy's gut hits Sarah in the face]
Sarah: Randy!
Randy: Sorry, Sarah.
Ricky: (from outside) Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Barb: So what do you wanna talk about, Randy, or do you need to be high first?
Randy: There's no real easy way of saying this. I frigged up.
Barb: What are you talking about?
Randy: Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her big deal.
Barb: Oh my God. That was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?
Lahey: You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!

Barb: So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you, or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?
Randy: Look, you guys have a good time frig-dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are FUCKED.
Lahey: They're fantastic, Barb.

Three Good Men are DeadEdit

Jacob: Baaaaaaaaaaam!!
Phil: Peanut butter and jaaaaaaaaaaam!!!
Mr. Lahey: What the fuck are you doin', Phil?

[Phil burps loudly]

Ray: Fuck sakes, Phil.
Bubbles: Ricky, I got onion ring fragments on me, get them off!
Ricky: I'm not touching those onions.
Bubbles: GET THEM OFF!
Phil: I'm sorry, your honour.

Ricky: Yeah, I mean I'm not college but you guys got books and stuff to see that this is obviously a little fucky.



Friends of the RoadEdit

Bubbles: They're ladies of the evening.
Ray: Friends of the road, buddy.

Ricky: Oh man, are they ever getting fucked over.

[to family getting car searched at the US - Canada border]

Ricky:You're supposed to throw your dope away before you get to the border! Ya fucked up!!
Ricky:[Barks like a dog to border patrol dogs] Shut the fuck up!!

We Can't Call People Without Wings Angels, So We Call Them FriendsEdit

Ricky: It's survival of the fitness boys.

Bubbles: Boys, my legs are all jankity-janked.

Ricky: What do the fuck do them clothes them doin’ there?

The Mustard TigerEdit

Bubbles: Fuckin'... Did you just call me four-eyes?! You big... Mustard Tiger!

Bubbles: He looks like he ate Philadelphia.

Jump the CheeseburgerEdit

Bubbles: (Sarcastically speaking) Oh, nice job there, son of the mustard tiger!
Thomas: My dad is not a mustard tiger!
Bubbles: Oh, OK!

Lahey: Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple.
Barb: Don't you think? Do you think, Jim? Because you know what? I'm gonna be totally honest with you and it''s a bit ironic, but since you stopped drinking you are not half as much fun!
Lahey: Barb...I'm doing my best here.
Barb: Jim, I wish you'd start drinkin' again!

Lucy: Oh Randy, are you OK?
Randy: Ah, sweet and sour chicken balls! I think I sprained it, Luce!
Lucy: Is it bad?
Randy: Yeah, it hurts.
Lucy: OK, well we'll put some...
Randy: Ah, quarterhorse cocks!
Lucy: OK, know, we'll go back to my place and put some ice on this. You are going to be fine.
Randy: OK.
Lucy: It's not a problem. A couple hours max...
Randy: Alfred Hitch-Cock!
Lucy: Randy, enough with the cocks!

Ricky: Well it's quite a...step up in the world from bangin' Randy and Lahey to bangin' Julian, isn't it?
Bubbles: That's a weird thought, Ricky
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